The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie
May 17, 2011
(The Other Guy walks into NC's house dressed as Emperor Palpatine.)
The Other Guy: Well, great, Nostalgia Critic. The entire costume party was ruined! I thought we agreed that you were going to be Darth Vader, and I was going to be the shadowy puppet master/dark overlord that controls you, just like in real life.
(Sees NC dressed as Darth Vader lying unconscious on the floor. The music for "The Birth of the Twins and Padme's Destiny" by John Williams starts playing)
The Other Guy: Nostalgia Critic!
(He picks up a disk labeled "The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie" before NC rises from the floor in manner similar to Darth Vader in the last scene of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith)
The Other Guy: (impersonating Emperor Palpatine) Nostalgia Critic, can you hear me?
NC: (impersonating Darth Vader) Yes, my brother. I apologize. I passed out after I...thought I heard news that there was another animated Titanic movie.
The Other Guy: Oh, but I'm afraid in your rage, you have forgotten that there is another Titanic movie. And it is your job to review it.
NC: It can't be! I reviewed it already! (He slowly stands up, groaning all the way, as The Other Guy watches, smiling) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Other Guy: (speaking like Emperor Palpatine) Yes.
(NC quietly looks at The Other Guy as he smiles. Clips from the movie play as its theme plays)
NC: (VO) Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It appears there's another feature length rip-off of James Cameron's "Titanic". I can't believe I live in a world where two of these exist. And you'd think that'd be bad enough. But, if you can possibly comprehend this, it is actually worse than the other version.
NC: Yes, there is actually something out there WORSE than THIS!
(Scene of rapping dog from Titanic: The Legend Goes On plays)
Rapping Dog: Party time! It's party time! Everybody's feelin' fine, 'cause it's party time!
NC: (VO) I know it's hard to believe, but this actually is more terrible than the rapping dog.
NC: So, what abomination of Hell could possibly make it into the human world? (puts the giant-sized bottle of Jagermeister from the Titanic: TLGO review on his desk) Let's find out.
(The movie starts by showing three mice children talking with their grandfather)
NC: (VO) So, strangely enough, this version also focuses on talking mice that snuck aboard the Titanic. You mean somebody actually found it necessary to RIP OFF THE RIPOFF?!*
- The Legend of the Titanic actually came out before Titanic: The Legend Goes On.
NC: (points to cover to Titanic:TLGO) Did you even see...You wanna rip off this...(knocks the cover away) Moving on.
NC: (VO) It turns out that an old sailor mouse is telling his grandkids what REALLY happened the day the Titanic sunk.
Grandson Mouse: (reading from newspaper) "Tragic ending to the maiden voyage of the Titanic. Hundreds missing." A lot of people died, huh?
Grandpa Connors: The truth of the matter is that those missing persons were never really missing. It's a long and complicated story.
NC: Really?! So that's how you're starting this movie out. By saying the hundreds of people that died on the Titanic didn't really die on the Titanic.
Grandpa Connors: It's all a misunderstanding. One of these days, I'll tell you the whole story.
NC looks at the bottle of Jagermeister before knocking it off the desk.
NC: (speaking into his cell phone) Yeah. Bring it in.
(NC looks up before the video cuts to a house-sized bottle of Jagermeister being brought in by four military helicopters while a snippet of "O, Fortuna" plays)
NC: (whispering) Proceed.
Grandpa Connors: All right, all right, youngsters. You've talked me into it. I'll tell you the whole story.
NC: (VO) Yes. Please do. My curiosity for this story that involves everyone surviving one of the biggest disasters in the world is really quite fucking piqued!
Grandpa Connors: It all began long ago in England...
(We fade to Connors as a young mouse, who is watching the human passengers walk aboard the Titanic)
NC: (VO) So, of course, we go into a flashback that shows Grandpa as a much younger mouse who was a sailor on the Titanic. But, hey, if having a flashback isn't similar enough to that other film (shows cover of Titanic (1997)), what do you say we have an exact shot replica for the reveal of our leading lady.
(A woman named Elizabeth approaches the Titanic along with her father)
Elizabeth: Magnificent. Simply breathtaking.
NC: (VO) This is Rose. I mean Rose. I mean Rose! I mean...Elizabeth. She's excited to be on Titanic except for one tiny little detail: she has to marry a man that she doesn't love. (shows Billy Zane's character from Titanic) Yeah, SOUND...FUCKING...FAMILIAR?! Though, to be fair, even though Billy Zane was basically a cartoony bad guy, they at least tried to make him look like a civilized gentleman. (shows villain from this film, Everard Maltravers) Here, they just slapped on an eye patch, an evil mustache, and anything else that would make him look like a James Bond villain. That or the boss from Harvey Birdman.
Elizabeth: I'd rather die than marry that horrifying, disgusting old serpent!
Elizabeth's Father: Elizabeth, don't be impertinent. You have a position to keep up. Your stepmother and I simply want what's best for our little girl.
NC: (as Elizabeth's Father) And if we say that the best for you is the worst for you, then it's the best for you.
NC: (VO) But at least the stuff with the cute little talking mice will be fun, right? Wrong! All these mice do throughout most of the movie is talk about ship protocol. Yeah, ship protocol! Isn't that exciting?
(We see Connors and another mouse sailor gather a large group of mice passengers for roll call)
Mouse Sailor: We'll have a roll call, if you please.
Young Connors: Aye-aye, sir! Mr. and Mrs. Angus Wallace Bruce McMouse, Mr. and Mrs. Pore Gliam O'Rat and two children. Juan and Evita Raton with offspring. (NC looks bored) Jean Luc and Francois Ratatouille and the Mouseti family from Sicily. Featuring Parmesiano, Pecorino, Gorgonzola, Provolone...
(NC tries to interrupt)
NC: You know... (Resumes being bored)
Young Connors: ...Fontina, Caciocavallo, Ricotta, Mozzarella.
(NC tries to interrupt)
NC: Hey... (Gives an annoyed look)
Young Connors: Herr Heinrich and Frau Greta from Mousecasa with Agil, Shlomo, and Becky Boisel.
(NC tries to interrupt)
NC: Uh... (Puts his hands down on the table)
Young Connors: And the da Silva Pereira Bensil family from Recife, with two children, Ronnie and Estrella.
(NC tries to interrupt)
NC: You... (Puts his hands down again)
Mouse Sailor: Let's look lively now with the boarding procedures!
Ronnie: So we go up that rope, is that it?
Mouse Sailor: Too right there, but you have to learn sailor talk.
(NC, angry and bored, once more tries to interrupt, but quickly gives in)
Mouse Sailor: Only landlubbers call that a rope. To us, it's an orzer.
NC: Hey, remember when we used to just sneak aboard and eat shit? Can we go back to those days?
(We cut to a man in a black cape dancing with a dog near a group of gypsies)
NC: (VO) So Elizabeth comes across a group of gypsies led by Tuxedo Mask here, who tells his dog to try and get Elizabeth's attention.
Elizabeth: Come here, boy. Good boy. (She takes off her glove to pet the dog) What a lovely soft coat you have. There, that's better, isn't it?
(The dog takes the glove and throws it to the caped man)
NC: (VO) (as caped man) You idiot! I told you to get her necklace! What kind of stupid mutt are you? (dog whimpers)
(Caped man looks at the glove and sniffs it)
NC: ...Well, you suddenly got creepy!
Officer: I'm very sorry, sir, but the animal must be kept on a leash.
Attendant: My good man, you happen to be addressing Don Juan Tenorio Geriate Gonzalez Leon.
NC: Goddamn! Who goes around with six names?
Gypsy: Prince of Andalucia! A prince does not travel with animals, you imbecile!
NC: (VO) Oh, and I have to add prince to that, too? Yeah, fuck it. I'm calling him Joe.
Gypsy: Now step aside and let us board!
(The gypsies push aside the officer and board the ship)
NC: (VO) So even though they established that the dog has no owner, the dog is still allowed on anyway. (The dog pees on the officer's leg) Oh, wait, after he pees on him first. OHOHO!
(The dog goes up the boarding ramp)
Officer: You wretched beast! I'll get you for that!
NC: (VO) (as officer) Oh, it's not like I can just go up there and get you for that. I'll just throw my hat! That'll teach you! (The hat lands on dog) Oh, it landed on the dog. I guess there's nothing else it really would have done. (The dog throws hat onto the ground, and the officer starts stomping on it) Oh, now I hate my hat! I hate my hat so much! Oh, my motivations are so confusing! (makes incoherent noises)
NC: (VO) So after leaving the town of genetic clones--(points to two identical women) I'm not kidding! Look! Look!--We see our villain named Maltravers talk about his plans as a whaler.
Maltravers: There's no reason whatsoever why the Duke shouldn't grant me exclusive worldwide whaling rights.
Maltravers' henchman: Not to mention the hand of his darling daughter. By marrying her, you'll get your mitts on all of his money.
NC and Casper: (singing to tune of "Ode to Joy") Exposition, Exposition, Rush it out ASAP.
Maltravers: There's nothing in the world that counts besides money and power. Everything else is simply there to be used to achieve those objectives.
NC: I think we just saw the meeting for how this movie got greenlighted.
(We see the Titanic embark on her voyage, with the ship being shown with CGI animation, then we see Captain Smith in his quarters)
NC: (VO) So we get one of those phoned-in CGI shots of the ship as the captain discusses what he's going to do for the evening.
Captain Smith: There's only one thing worse than a party, and that's a gala evening. (Prepares to leave) Mr. Craig, have me called for any problem whatsoever, and if there aren't any, make one up.
NC: (as Craig) Oh, you mean like, "Iceberg right ahead"?
Captain Smith: (offscreen, voiced by NC) Yes, that's a good one.
(Connors and another mouse named Ronnie are shown trying to escape from the ship's mice area)
Young Connors: Hurry up, Ronnie! We're late!
NC: (VO) Oh, good. Our mousey friends got away from the rest of the team. I guess that means there's not going to be any more ship proto... (We see Connors and Ronnie passing through a meeting going on between the Mouse Captain and the large group of mice passengers) AGH HELL!!
Mouse Captain: (in an overly exaggerated Scottish accent) Men are greedy and all too likely to cheat on construction and materials. So for the first few days, be careful how you move about.
NC: Yeah, whatever. Sing "There's No Cats In America."
(We are shown a scene of the mice dancing as "There Are No Cats In America" from An American Tail plays)
NC: (VO) But eventually, they do get away from the group, and they see what's going on in the first class quarters.
(Connors and Ronnie witness Elizabeth at a first class dinner)
Ronnie: She's as beautiful as a picture, and as fiery as a... (Speaks French) Ah, I'll see her in my dreams for the rest of my life!
Young Connors: I hate to be a spoilsport, but I would like to draw to your attention the fact that she's a woman and you're a mouse.
Ronnie: Well, there's one thing I'm not, and that's a racist.
NC: (shakes his head in surprise) What?!
Ronnie: Well, there's one thing I'm not, and that's a racist.
NC: (VO) Did we really just take a situation with two mice, a young woman, and somehow come out with racism?
(We are shown pictures above NC--two real mice + silhouette of beautiful woman = Ku Klux Klan member)
NC: How do you do that?!
NC: (VO) First of all, it's not racism as much as species...-ism. Second, why is he fantasizing about a human female? Don't we have enough weird fetishes already with that crazy glove-smelling fucktard? Let's keep the oddness to a minimum.
(Cut to Elizabeth crying on the deck of the ship)
NC: (VO) Oh, God, I spoke too soon. (As NC speaks, the scene continues, showing Elizabeth's tear falling onto a dolphin in a flash of rainbow-esque colors) Just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder, things couldn't possibly get more fucked up, take a gander at this!
Dolphin: What's your name?
Elizabeth: Oh! I don't believe it. I can understand them!
Dolphin: You can understand us thanks to a net of magic moonbeams that caught your tears as they fell into the water.
(We see NC with a weird grimace on his face)
Dolphin: We added a little magic of our own, and voila! The spell was cast.
NC: Uh... (clears his throat and speaks in a French accent) Pardon?
NC: (VO) Okay. Am I dreaming this? I really must be dreaming this. I really can't comprehend this...at all. At all. I mean, okay. We now have magic dolphins who apparently can fly because...well, how the hell else are they staying up there so long...who can suddenly talk to her because her Rainbow Brite tears caused some moonbeam bullshit, and now, everything's coming up Dr. Dolittle.
NC: But, sure. Why not? Okay, you can talk to dolphins now, arguably one of the most intelligent creatures on the entire planet. So, what exactly are you gonna say to them?
Elizabeth: If I could turn into a dolphin like you, that would make me happy.
NC: That's great, young lady. That's great. You wish you were a dolphin. It's wonderful. (Makes some incoherent happy sounds before snapping) WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!?!?
NC: (VO) Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say that you stayed in the theater after you saw this scene! What exactly are they gonna do with this revelation?
Dolphin: We are engaged in a desperate battle to save the lives of our friends, the whales! The Maltravers ships are hunting the poor things near to extinction!
NC: (VO) I'm sorry, WHICH STORY ARE WE WATCHING?! The love story? The ship? The mice? The whales? WHAT IS THE FOCUS?! You can't just throw this incredibly bizarre bullshit at us and just expect us to go along with it!
NC: I mean, it's like saying, "Hey, the Titanic wasn't destroyed by an iceberg. It was an evil gang of underwater sharks who are in cahoots with the evil whaler".
(We immediately cut to a scene showing a talking criminal shark talking with the henchman of Maltravers)
Criminal Shark: (to Maltravers' henchman) Hey, me and the boys are ready to go into action any time you say, guy!
(Cut to NC's mouth hanging completely open in shock)
Henchman: Ice, I have a message from the boss! Stay alert and don't stray too far from the ship!
Criminal Shark: Tell him we're ready to destroy anything, anytime!
NC: (his mouth still gaping open) I'm sorry. I need to drop something. (NC's mouth continues to gape open as he pours water into a glass and then drops the glass on the floor with a smash)
NC: (VO) I JU...GA...I...DA...YOU CAN'T...HUH...
NC: YOU REALLY...I...WHA...I...JU...GE...JU...UH...OOOHHH! (NC looks like he's about to burst, then speaks calmly) I'm sorry. I can't get through this in one sitting. If you'll excuse me, I've gotta take the occasional break to look at myself in the mirror and cry. (We cut to NC looking in the mirror and crying while music from Lord of the Rings plays before cutting to him coming back to the chair with a relieved sigh) ...On we go.
NC: (VO) So, why can the bad guys communicate with the criminal underwater shark gang? We don't know. It's never explained. Maybe he got some of that moonbeam bullshit from a crack dealer or something. But as of now, he doesn't want them to destroy the ship just yet. He just wants them to stay close. (We cut to Elizabeth meeting Connors and Ronnie for the first time) But luckily, it seems that magic also seems to work with mice, as Elizabeth can suddenly understand them now, too.
Young Connors: You've got to face the issue squarely and tell your father and Everard what you think.
Ronnie: You've gotta fight!
Elizabeth: (as she lightly taps Ronnie's head between his ears) Of course I'm going to fight. Now I know you two are on my side, we can foil Everard and help those poor whales, too.
NC: (VO) Yes. Now that they're on your side, I'm sure you'll have a great case to go up against your father.
NC: (as Elizabeth) Father, I know you want me to marry that man, but I've been talking with the dolphins and mice, and they agree that it's not the right thing to do! (Smiles. We immediately cut to a dilapidated building labeled "Insane Asylum" as a loud door slam is heard) But honest to God, they did talk to me! (A light flickers in one window with electric sounds being heard) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
NC: (VO) But Elizabeth does go to set the record straight, and it turns out her father takes it unrealistically well.
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard. I'm sorry to upset your plans, but...
Elizabeth's Father: Plans, did you say? My one and only plan, dear girl, is to see you as happy as possible, and I would never dream of forcing you to do something you don't want to.
NC: (as Elizabeth's father) Unless it was the beginning of the movie, in which case, I said you had no choice.
NC: (VO) (as a scene of Elizabeth and her father hugging plays) Seriously, what did she do different? She made the same argument she did before. In fact, it's actually less angry. Are you honestly telling me that this...
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard.
NC: (VO) ...is much more stronger than this?
Elizabeth: I'd rather die than marry that horrifying, disgusting old serpent!
NC: (as Elizabeth's father) Ohoho, that's just the PMS talking. You'll get over it!
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard.
NC: (as Elizabeth's father) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! CALM DOWN, BITCH! CALM DOWN! WHOA! All right, we'll figure this out, man! JESUS!
NC: (VO) But meanwhile, down this hallway...(camera turns around) or maybe it's this hallway...(camera turns around again)...nope, I guess it's this hallway--the bad guy is looking to make sure his evil wedding schemes go according to plan. But luckily, the mice kick him with a soccer ball and send him HILARIOUSLY flying down the ship. Seems kinda pointless, seeing how we already know that Elizabeth isn't going to marry him, but hell, we need something to top the dog pissing scene, don't we?
(We cut to "Joe" standing on one of the ship's decks)
NC: (VO) Meanwhile, apparently Joe is still in this movie, as we see he spends most of his time... ("Joe" rubs the glove on his face) Oh, God. GET OVER IT!
NC: (as "Joe") God, I miss Elizabeth. (sniffs a glove) Almost as much as I miss Vanessa. (snorts a woman's shoe)
NC: (VO) But it turns out the animals lead them together and they finally discover each other, and, of course, they decide to dance. (Sure enough, Elizabeth and "Joe" do dance) But, unlike the other animated Titanic movie where they shared only three lines of dialogue and decided they love each other, here, they only share one line of dialogue. Yeah, ONE FUCKING LINE OF DIALOGUE AND THEY KNOW IT'S MEANT TO BE! (Cuts back to "Joe" sniffing the glove) I guess he considers sniffing the glove first base.
(All the animals applaud Elizabeth and Joe, then we cut to a scene with Maltravers and Elizabeth's stepmother)
NC: (VO) But the whaler and evil stepmother, it turns out, are in cahoots with each other, and they want to stop them from hooking up.
Stepmother: (to Elizabeth) I trust I've been clear enough!
Elizabeth: If Mr. Maltravers is so important to you, then you marry him!
NC: Actually, that's a great idea!
NC: (VO) If she's so evil, why doesn't she just leave Elizabeth's father and go with the whaler guy? Doesn't that make more sense? Oh, whatever. It seems that boat has sailed or...sank, so I guess it's better just to cut their losses and move on to the next logical step: hold the father up at gunpoint, force him to sign the whaling concession, and tie him up so he won't escape.
NC: Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing!
NC: (VO) So he sends the message to the whalers that they're allowed to hunt wherever they please. But luckily, the mice cut the wires before the message can get out. I'm sure that won't backfire in any way!
(Ronnie and another mouse are shown chewing through the wires)
NC: (VO) But wait! With the father tied up, someone's liable to come across him. So, again, what's the logical thing to do?
(Maltravers' henchman speaks with the Criminal Shark)
Henchman: (to the Criminal Shark) The ship has to sink tonight, but remember, not a second before midnight, or else all your work will have been for nothing.
Criminal Shark: Consider it done, pally. Midnight on the dot!
NC: (VO) That's right, it's the evil gang of sharks that sank the Titanic because of a needlessly complex whaling scheme. Aren't you glad we're simplifying the emotions of a horrendous tragedy to an insultingly basic battle of good versus evil?
(The Criminal Shark speaks with the another sharks)
Criminal Shark: After we arrange for the iceberg to appear in front of the ship, we'll hold the rudder in our teeth, keeping her on course.
(Pictures of villains from Titanic, Titanic: TLGO, and this movie are shown)
NC: (VO) I don't even get it. Why do these Titanic movies need a bad guy? (A photo of an iceberg is shown) Isn't the iceberg sort of the designated villain?
(The sharks approach an octopus named Tentacles)
Criminal Shark: ("WTF?" pointing at the fin protruding from his crotch area) Well, let's just call it a bet. A couple of my boys think they can heave an iceberg farther than Tentacles can.
Tentacles: (with a wink) That sounds like great fun!
NC: (VO) So the sharks trick a giant octopus named Tentacles into an iceberg throwing contest. Uh-huh. There's a giant octopus with a dog's face in this movie and they're only waiting till the last third to show him! Way to subtly wheel us in to that suspension of disbelief.
Dolphin: Don't you realize what you've done?
Tentacles: I beat the sharks at ice throwing!
Dolphin: You threw an iceberg at a ship full of people! (Tentacles becomes shocked) I don't know how many of them we'll be able to save!
Tentacles: Oh, no!
NC: (VO) It's not like he can just grab the iceberg and push it out of the way! Oh, wait, yes, he can. Why don't you just grab the iceberg and push it out of the way? (The ship hits the iceberg) So the whaler and stepmother escape on a boat, and, not to give anything away, but the iceberg hits the ship. Hey, considering how much else they changed in this movie, I'm surprised they kept that!
Mouse Captain: They're sure to send out an SOS. Maybe there's a ship near enough that can make it in time to help us.
Ronnie: Oh, my goodness! We cut the wire!
Mouse Captain: And you didn't repair it after? That's against every rule in the Sea Mouse Maritime Union!
NC: (as mouse captain) We spent two hours talking about ship protocol and you didn't even follow it? A POX ON YOU!
NC: (VO) So they try to fix the wires with the help of another mouse named Camembert. Get it? IT'S A CHEESE! But the wires won't stretch far enough. So there's only one thing to do.
Camembert: I've got it! Connect the wires to my mustache.
(The signal goes through Camembert's mustache as he spasms from the electric shock surging through the wire, while a red light blinks on his nose)
NC: (VO) Yes, this would be an incredibly funny scene if it didn't end up killing him. No, seriously, it ends up killing him. Look.
(The mice mournfully look at a seemingly dead Camembert)
Young Connors: (crying) Oh, Camembert, Camembert! What a hero.
NC: Okay, there's a lot of moments in a Titanic movie where you're supposed to have a serious death scene. (Shows scenes of characters who died in James Cameron's Titanic) You picked one, AND IT'S THE FUCKING WRONG ONE! (Shows Camembert)
(Elizabeth and "Joe" are shown running away from the flooding waters)
"Joe": Come on!
NC: (VO) Oh, and unlike that downer Cameron movie where there weren't enough lifeboats, this film sets the record straight.
Officer: There's room for everyone!
NC: (VO) See? There's room for everybody! What, did you think those idiots at the History Channel knew what they were talking about? No, no. It's the version with the giant talking octopus that has it right!
(Elizabeth and "Joe" rescue Elizabeth's father from being tied up and bring him to a lifeboat)
NC: (VO) So Elizabeth and Joe find the father and set him free, allowing him to get on the lifeboat.
Elizabeth: Thank God Daddy's safe.
NC: (VO) Uh, why doesn't the daughter go, too? Or, for that matter, why not the boyfriend? Didn't you just hear the guy before?
Officer: There's room for everyone!
NC: (VO) So hop onboard! It doesn't matter if you have testicles in this movie, you can still make it out!
(Elizabeth and "Joe" continue to flee from the raging waters, until Tentacles appears to temporarily push the pieces of the ship together, thus keeping it on the surface)
NC: (VO) But don't worry. Tentacles is there to put the ship back together. That's right, HE'S PUTTING THE SHIP BACK TOGETHER! And just in case there's any confusion for this being mistaken for a tragic act of nature...
Tentacles: (tearfully) The truth is, it's all my fault.
Elizabeth: No, Tentacles, it's not your fault. This all happened because of an evil, greedy human being.
NC: (VO) You heard it right there, folks! It was all because of an evil human being. The realities of life don't play here. Hey, the next time a family member dies, just tell your kid a whaler did it! It's all cool. I mean, hey, as long as you can FUCKING BLAME SOMETHING!
Tentacles: One of my tentacles slipped! I have to go back down! (inhales and then submerges)
NC: (VO) So while you're pondering why an octopus has to hold his breath to go underwater, it turns out the dolphins have good news.
Dolphin: The whales! The whales are here! Hooray!
(A scene from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is shown)
Scotty: There be whales here!
NC: (VO) So the whales seem to save everybody on the ship. Even the captain! Yeah, because we all know he made it out okay. But, unfortunately, Tentacles can't hold on anymore, and goes down with the ship.
(We are shown an unconscious Tentacles wrapped around the shipwreck as the dolphins leave flowers on the ship by his "dead" body)
NC: (VO) Well, that sucks, but we have a wedding to cut to! (Cut to the weddings of Elizabeth and "Joe", and that of Conners and Estrella) That's right, Elizabeth and Joe finally got married, as did Grandpa Mouse and...that blonde who he only shared one line with. Seriously, did these guys ever start a dialogue? When suddenly, their attention is drawn to the river.
(A large crowd of people stand at the Brooklyn Bridge, seeing the dolphins in the water)
Dolphin: I have the most wonderful surprise for you!
(Tentacles rises out of the ocean, with a smile on his face and his huge tentacles wiggling)
NC: (VO) That's right, Tentacles is alive! And look, even Camembert, with no explanation whatsoever, somehow made it out okay!
(A sound clip from The Simpsons is heard as Connors and Ronnie are shown hugging Camembert)
Bart: I thought you were dead!
Ralph Wiggum: Nope!
Young Connors: Tentacles is alive!
Estrella: Look down there at the whales! All the others are alive, too!
NC: (VO) That's right, even though there were no whales or people in that shot you just saw, apparently, everybody made it out alive. Thank God this isn't the least bit insulting to the hundreds of people who tragically lost their lives, or else this could possibly be the worst thing we ever produced as a species!
Captain Smith: Tentacles, you are a true hero. And the many people who couldn't find space in the lifeboats, you saved their lives, too. Tell us how you accomplished such an amazing feat.
Tentacles: It was the whales who did it, really.
NC: (hits his desk) WHAT IS UP WITH THE WHALING SHIT IN THIS MOVIE?!
NC: (VO) Look, if you wanna make a movie about whales, that's fine. More power to you. But leave the deaths of hundreds of innocent people out of it, if you don't mind! I mean, even Ferngully just stuck to the rainforest, they didn't try to work in the Hindenburg disaster or anything! (Shows photo of Hindenburg disaster with Ferngully characters superimposed)
(We cut back to the present day, where Connors has finished telling the story)
Grandson Mouse: So this Ronnie is Granny Estella's brother!
NC: (VO) So flashback to present day as the kids realize Grandpa has clearly gone off his meds and made this entire story up.
Grandson Mouse: That means nobody's hunting the whales any longer. Is that right?
Grandpa Connors: Unfortunately, no, children. There'll always be another Everard Maltravers. The names may change, but their evil lives on. And the whales are still hunted.
NC: (VO) Oh, Christ, SHUT UP! I hope we nuke those fuckers so we don't get anymore movies like this! (A poster is shown saying "Nuke the Whales")
Granny Estella: You heard, children. Enough is enough. Your grandfather loves to tell stories, but like all sailors, you shouldn't take it too seriously.
NC: (VO) UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING MILLENNIUM!
Granny Estella: Oh, Connors. (hugs him before he returns the favor as the camera pans out of their house)
NC: (VO) So just to recap, everybody: nobody died on the Titanic, animals can talk with moon magic, sharks form underwater gangs, whales are Jesus, and the reveal of a giant talking octopus in New York got absolutely no media attention whatsoever!
NC: So, to sum up...no, no, I need a minute. (NC looks in the mirror and cries again, and comes back to his seat looking miserable again) Okay. Can you see why this is worse than the other one?
(Scenes from the movie play as NC gives his final thoughts)
NC: (VO) I mean, the animation is better, but this goes from stupid to DISGUSTINGLY insulting. Just the idea that people took this tragedy and turned it into such a lame ploy to save the whales is mind-boggling. The Titanic story has nothing to do with whales, so why'd you make that connection? It's insulting to history, it's insulting to children's intelligence, and it's straight up insulting to the people who died! Honestly, it's sort of hard to watch, it's so horrendous. I mean, it honestly makes this film (Shows rapping dog scene from Titanic: TLGO) look more realistic. The film with the rapping dog is actually closer to the real story of the Titanic! That is a new low for a kid's movie to sink. (Subtitle: "NO PUN INTENDED!") It's beyond shit, and my guess is it'll take days before you stop feeling unclean from it!
NC: My only hope is that people will finally learn their lesson and stop making animated spinoffs off this shit! (The DVD cover of the sequel to this movie appears, an equally ungodly creation dubbed "Tentacolino". NC looks at it for a moment, then mimes a dubbed clip of Darth Vader from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Note: PS, I am NOT reviewing that "Tentacles" movie*.
- He would go on to review it anyway, though.
Ending tagline--Ronnie: Well, there's one thing I'm not, and that's a racist.