The Nutcracker

Nutcracker 2009 nc

December 18, 2018
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(After the Channel Awesome logo, cold-open on the studio's prop room, which is almost completely empty. Malcolm and Tamara are walking out, each carrying a box)

Malcolm: You know, I'm really gonna miss this place. So many pleasant memories.

Tamara: (confused) Really?

Malcolm: Well... when he didn't cover us in blood. (Tamara stares) That one time. (Tamara nods)

(NC comes out, wearing his Christmas attire and also carrying a box)

NC: You know, I know this is an adjustment, but at the same time, we've grown too big for this place, and there's a spot a lot bigger. We're gonna start off the new year with brand-new ways of torturing you!

Malcolm and Tamara: (deadpan) Yay.

Tamara: Oh, by the way, do you think we'll have time to watch that Christmas special tonight?

Malcolm: Or, at the very least, that one scene?

NC: Of course, we wouldn't miss that. We're just gonna watch it at the new location.

(Suddenly, the doorbell rings, getting everyone's attention)

NC: Now, who could that be?

(NC puts down his box, the contents of which shatter like glass, and he goes over to the front door, holding his wrist in his hand. The door opens and, much to his surprise, who should he see standing before him but... Rachel Tietz! NC screams, and then Rachel screams. They alternate back and forth, and Malcolm and Tamara come out to see what's going on, and they scream, too, when they see who it is. They run up to NC and Rachel, and they all scream and wave their arms around a la Seinfeld's "The Wallet" episode (Elaine's return). Meanwhile, Walter, Heather and Aiyanna all come out, all holding boxes. When they see what's going on, they, too, join in the screaming and waving their arms around, albeit in slight confusion)

Walter: Who is this?

(They stop screaming abruptly)

NC: Oh, uh, sorry. Walter, Heather, Aiyanna, this is Rachel! She used to work with us!

Heather: Oh, um... (She, Walter and Aiyanna start screaming again)

Tamara: The moment is passed.

Heather: Okay.

(They pick up their boxes again and walk off with them)

Malcolm: So, what brought you back to Chicago?

Rachel: Well, I've learned so much in California about movies, storytelling, restraining orders, and I wanted to come back here and see if you guys wanted to help me shoot my special project.

NC: Yeah. What's that?

Rachel: I wanted to do my interpretation of a Christmas classic, Home Alone!

Tamara: Really?

Rachel: I feel like there are so many new directions you can take a story like that, but Hollywood doesn't understand my vision.

NC: (sighs) That's so like them.

Malcolm: Everything has to be the same.

Rachel: So I wanted to see if you guys wanted to help me make it.

NC: Sure! We ought to be out here till the end of December. I guess it's plenty of time to shoot.

Rachel: Oh, wonderful! Now, I have to warn you: my ideas can be a little unconventional.

NC: (chuckles) We welcome unconventional around here. Whatever you have in mind, we are totally with you.

(Cut to...Malcolm dressed like a punk with "666" written on his forhead, and NC not wearing his hat, but dressed in a shirt with sleeves torn off. Both are not looking very pleased)

Rachel: (offscreen) And...action.

Tamara: (offscreen, sounding bored) Oh, no. My name is Kevin McCallister, and my house is being robbed by a satanist and a skinhead.

Malcolm: (to NC) What did California do to her?

(NC shrugs, as if to say, "No goddamn idea". And we come to the opening! After that, we fade to Malcolm and NC, playing their "characters", softly knocking on the door to the closet)

NC: (playing the skinhead) Merry Christmas, little fella. (Cut to Tamara inside the closet mimicking Kevin's famous "hands on cheeks" face) We know that you're in there.

Malcolm: (playing the satanist) I bet you're all alone. And you haven't accepted Satan as your lord and savior.

NC: (breaking the character) Can we cut?

(We're shown Rachel in a classic director attire: hat, glasses, baton and script)

Rachel: Ugh. Cut! What is it, darling?

NC: I'm sorry, I know we're supposed to be evil, but are we really supposed to be...this evil?

Rachel: Oh, I has to go that extra step to make you even more evil.

NC: But I feel like the criminals in the original were evil enough. This just seems like overkill.

Rachel: (chuckling) No, no! The shootout at the end is overkill. This is just breaking and entering.

NC: But don't you feel...dirty filming this?

Rachel: I'll tell you what, Critic. I'll have you watch the movie that inspired me for all of this. Nutcracker in 3D.

Malcolm: (sarcastically smiles) What, does it have Nazis in it?

Rachel: (eagerly) Yes!

(NC and Malcolm stare in bewilderment. The trailer title for the movie is shown, followed by clips. "Waltz of the Flowers" from Peter Ilych Tchaikovsky from The Nutcracker Suite is playing in the background)

Rachel (vo): Directed by world-renowned Andrei Konchalovsky, creator of critically-acclaimed arthouse films like (posters of...) Runaway Train, The Steamroller and the Violin, and Tango & Cash...

NC (vo): I don't think that was an arthouse film.

Rachel (vo): No talking.

NC (vo): Okay.

Rachel (vo): He spent years trying to get this dream project off the ground. He wrote it, directed it, and managed to get 90 million dollars to bring it to the big screen.

Malcolm (vo): How much did it make?

Rachel (vo): (as the Google result of the movie's poor box office, 16.2 million dollars, is shown) That's not important. What's important is this artist got his vision on the screen. Artists are constantly misunderstood when they use anything shocking, but it helps disrobe the system and fight social norms.

Tamara: (goes out of the closet) Oh, I'm sorry. Weird. From the other side of this door, it sounded like he said "Nazis in The Nutcracker".

Rachel: Well, let the Critic go watch the film so he can figure out what I'm going for, while I film another scene with you two.

Tamara: (to NC) Oh, what about the Christmas special?

NC: We'll still watch it tonight. whatever she says.

Rachel: Come on! We're gonna go to the black mass where you're both drenched in blood.

(Malcolm and Tamara sigh in disappointment)

Malcolm: We were just talking about this.

Rachel: Oh, good!

(As Tamara and Malcolm leave, realizing this is hopeless, NC sits in the corner of the studio, back in his Christmas jacket)

NC: Well, let's see what kind of dental work that mouth of madness has. This is Nutcracker in 3D.

(The movie's opening credits begin playing)

NC (vo): To already start out on a confusing note, it's advertised everywhere as Nutcracker in 3D, but in the intro, it's called Nutcracker: The Untold Story. Yeah, it's untold for the same reason Krampus story about shitting a leprechaun is untold. It's insane and scares everyone.

(The film opens in Vienna, showing people outside greeting each other, preparing for the holidays, etc. Next, we're shown the inside of a house where the main character, a girl named Mary (Elle Fanning), lives)

NC (vo): So in 1920s Vienna...that curious time when orchestras took the trolley to work...a young girl named Mary, played by Elle Fanning, is annoyed when her younger brother Max burns one of the ornaments.

Mary: (holding out a burned fairy decoration) You've burned the whole dress. And now you've made me lose my pen. (seeing her father) Father, look at my fairy's new gown.

NC: (as one of the actors) Just to check, we're going with that take? We're going with that take? All right. Yes, dear.

Father (Richard E. Grant): Now, we can't wait any longer.

NC (vo): So their British father is going out with their American mother while they wait for their German uncle...Albert Einstein! In Vienna. He's played by Nathan Lane.

(Just as said, Albert Einstein (Lane) is shown riding in a carriage)

Einstein: (addressing the camera) Such a beautiful city, don't you see? I have the strangest feeling that we are being followed.

NC: Mr. Lane, under the impression that this is a documentary.

Einstein: We are not being followed. Now I'm a little disappointed.

NC (vo): If you think he's like the all-knowing narrator who constantly breaks the fourth wall, he only briefly addresses the audience two other times in the middle of the movie, and it always comes out of nowhere. It's so brief and lacking consistency, it's kind of amazing.

NC: It's like starting off How the Grinch Stole Christmas with...

(The opening to this Chuck Jones special is shown)

NC (vo; imitating Boris Carloff): Every Who down in Whoville loved Christmas a lot. (Beat) Bye. (Car is heard revving up and zooming away)

(Einstein shows up at Mary's house and greets the kids)

Einstein: Merry Christmas! (to the parents) Are you leaving already?

Father: I asked you to be here at five.

NC: (as Einstein) I thought it was Halloween! I came dressed...

NC (vo): Don King!

(A man appears, carrying a sack)

Man: Where d'you want it, boss?

Einstein: By the tree.

(The man brings out a doll house with mechanical toys in it: a chimpanzee, a clown and a drummer)

NC (vo): It looks like Uncle Albert has a gift for the kids...ooh, a Hereditary doll house!

Max (Aaron Michael Drozin): (pointing at the clown) Who's the fat guy?

Einstein: Oh, shh! You'll hurt his feelings. That's Tinker. He's very sensitive about his weight.

NC: (as Einstein) He kills anyone who brings it up. You're actually a kid #5 to own him.

(Einstein sits behind the piano and takes out a nutcracker toy for Mary)

NC (vo): Speaking of deathly horrors...

Einstein: The Nutcracker. I call him "NC" for short.

NC: (the Nostalgia Critic, of course) Pfft. What dumb initials.

Einstein: They say he is the most wanted doll in town.

NC (vo; as Einstein): (whispering) Don't look at him too long! (The shot focuses on the Nutcracker's uncanny-looking face) He eats hearts like creamed corn!

Max: (from upstairs) It's just a stupid toy!

Einstein: What is just a toy for you may be a real friend for someone else.

NC: (as Einstein) My wife has a toy that she calls the greatest friend in the world. And I hate it.

NC (vo): And, no joke, he puts lyrics to the Nutcracker music to instruct them about the theory of relativity. (speaking sarcastically) Because I'm sure that was Tchaikovsky's idea when he wrote it.

Einstein: (singing to the tune of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy", going upstairs) Every point of view is...

Mary and Max: View!

Einstein: (singing) Simply up to you, it's...

Mary and Max: You!

Einstein: (singing) How your dreams come true, it's...

Mary and Max: True!

Einstein: (singing) As real as...

Mary and Max: Who?

Einstein: (singing) Why, you!

NC: Originally, I thought operas and bagels were the worst things to have Einstein's name on it. (The cover for Philip Glass' "Einstein on the Beach" opera and the logo for Einstein Bros. Bagels are shown) Thank you for proving me wrong.

Einstein: (singing) This is that, these are those. / What is real? What's ideal? (As he's singing, Mary and Max are doing really weird dance moves)

NC (vo): What adorable spasms they're having. I'm sure that's protocol for hearing this song.

(The night comes, and Einstein tucks the children into their beds)

Mary: Why don't you come live with us?

Einstein: I'm always with you, dear.

Mary: (turns to her left side) Will you tell us the Nutcracker story?

(As she turns back, Einstein has disappeared without making any sounds. A dramatic sting is put over that moment. Cut to a clip from The Dark Knight)

Commissioner Gordon: (to Harvey Dent, referring to Batman) He does that.

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