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The Nutcracker
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Aired
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December 18, 2018
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Running Time
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42:13 (Vimeo)
42:29 (YouTube) |
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TBA
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Link
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(After the Channel Awesome logo, cold-open on the studio's prop room, which is almost completely empty. Malcolm and Tamara are walking out, each carrying a box)
Malcolm: You know, I'm really gonna miss this place. So many pleasant memories.
Tamara: (confused) Really?
Malcolm: Well... when he didn't cover us in blood. (Tamara stares) That one time. (Tamara nods)
(NC comes out, wearing his Christmas attire and also carrying a box)
NC: You know, I know this is an adjustment, but at the same time, we've grown too big for this place, and there's a spot a lot bigger. We're gonna start off the new year with brand-new ways of torturing you!
Malcolm and Tamara: (deadpan) Yay.
Tamara: Oh, by the way, do you think we'll have time to watch that Christmas special tonight?
Malcolm: Or, at the very least, that one scene?
NC: Of course, we wouldn't miss that. We're just gonna watch it at the new location.
(Suddenly, the doorbell rings, getting everyone's attention)
NC: Now, who could that be?
(NC puts down his box, the contents of which shatter like glass, and he goes over to the front door, holding his wrist in his hand. The door opens and, much to his surprise, who should he see standing before him but... Rachel Tietz! NC screams, and then Rachel screams. They alternate back and forth, and Malcolm and Tamara come out to see what's going on, and they scream, too, when they see who it is. They run up to NC and Rachel, and they all scream and wave their arms around a la Seinfeld's "The Wallet" episode (Elaine's return). Meanwhile, Walter, Heather and Aiyanna all come out, all holding boxes. When they see what's going on, they, too, join in the screaming and waving their arms around, albeit in slight confusion)
Walter: Who is this?
(They stop screaming abruptly)
NC: Oh, uh, sorry. Walter, Heather, Aiyanna, this is Rachel! She used to work with us!
Heather: Oh, um... (She, Walter and Aiyanna start screaming again)
Tamara: The moment is passed.
Heather: Okay.
(They pick up their boxes again and walk off with them)
Malcolm: So, what brought you back to Chicago?
Rachel: Well, I've learned so much in California about movies, storytelling, restraining orders, and I wanted to come back here and see if you guys wanted to help me shoot my special project.
NC: Yeah. What's that?
Rachel: I wanted to do my interpretation of a Christmas classic, Home Alone!
Tamara: Really?
Rachel: I feel like there are so many new directions you can take a story like that, but Hollywood doesn't understand my vision.
NC: (sighs) That's so like them.
Malcolm: Everything has to be the same.
Rachel: So I wanted to see if you guys wanted to help me make it.
NC: Sure! We ought to be out here till the end of December. I guess it's plenty of time to shoot.
Rachel: Oh, wonderful! Now, I have to warn you: my ideas can be a little unconventional.
NC: (chuckles) We welcome unconventional around here. Whatever you have in mind, we are totally with you.
(Cut to...Malcolm dressed like a punk with "666" written on his forhead, and NC not wearing his hat, but dressed in a shirt with sleeves torn off. Both are not looking very pleased)
Rachel: (offscreen) And...action.
Tamara: (offscreen, sounding bored) Oh, no. My name is Kevin McCallister, and my house is being robbed by a satanist and a skinhead.
Malcolm: (to NC) What did California do to her?
(NC shrugs, as if to say, "No goddamn idea". And we come to the opening! After that, we fade to Malcolm and NC, playing their "characters", softly knocking on the door to the closet)
NC: (playing the skinhead) Merry Christmas, little fella. (Cut to Tamara inside the closet mimicking Kevin's famous "hands on cheeks" face) We know that you're in there.
Malcolm: (playing the satanist) And that you're all alone. And you haven't accepted Satan as your lord and savior.
NC: (breaking the character) Can we cut?
(We're shown Rachel in a classic director attire: hat, glasses, baton and script)
Rachel: Ugh. Cut! What is it, darling?
NC: I'm sorry, I know we're supposed to be evil, but are we really supposed to be...this evil?
Rachel: Oh, it's to go that extra step to make you even more evil.
NC: But I feel like the criminals in the original were evil enough. This just seems like overkill.
Rachel: (chuckling) No, no! The shootout at the end is overkill. This is just breaking and entering.
NC: But don't you feel...dirty filming this?
Rachel: I'll tell you what, Critic. I'll have you watch the movie that inspired me for all of this. Nutcracker in 3D.
Malcolm: (sarcastically smiles) What, does it have Nazis in it?
Rachel: (eagerly) Yes!
(NC and Malcolm stare in bewilderment. The trailer title for the movie is shown, followed by clips. "Waltz of the Flowers" from Peter Ilych Tchaikovsky from The Nutcracker Suite is playing in the background)
Rachel (vo): Directed by world-renowned Andrei Konchalovsky, creator of critically-acclaimed arthouse films like (posters of...) Runaway Train, The Steamroller and the Violin, and Tango & Cash...
NC (vo): I don't think that was an arthouse film.
Rachel (vo): No talking.
NC (vo): Okay.
Rachel (vo): He spent years trying to get this dream project off the ground. He wrote it, directed it, and managed to get 90 million dollars to bring it to the big screen.
Malcolm (vo): How much did it make?
Rachel (vo): (as the Google result of the movie's poor box office, 16.2 million dollars, is shown) That's not important. What's important is this artist got his vision on the screen. Artists are constantly misunderstood when they use anything shocking, but it helps disrobe the system and fight social norms.
Tamara: (goes out of the closet) Oh, I'm sorry. Weird. From the other side of this door, it sounded like he said "Nazis in The Nutcracker".
Rachel: Well, let the Critic go watch the film so he can figure out what I'm going for, while I film another scene with you two.
Tamara: (to NC) Oh, what about the Christmas special?
NC: We'll still watch it tonight. Just...do whatever she says.
Rachel: Come on! We're gonna go to the black mass where you're both drenched in blood.
(Malcolm and Tamara sigh in disappointment)
Malcolm: We were just talking about this.
Rachel: Oh, good!
(As Tamara and Malcolm leave, realizing this is hopeless, NC sits in the corner of the studio, back in his Christmas jacket)
NC: Well, let's see what kind of dental work that mouth of madness has. This is Nutcracker in 3D.
(The movie's opening credits begin playing)
NC (vo): To already start out on a confusing note, it's advertised everywhere as Nutcracker in 3D, but in the intro, it's called Nutcracker: The Untold Story. Yeah, it's untold for the same reason grandpa's story about shitting a leprechaun is untold. It's insane and scares everyone.
(The film opens in Vienna, showing people outside greeting each other, preparing for the holidays, etc. Next, we're shown the inside of a house where the main character, a girl named Mary (Elle Fanning), lives)
NC (vo): So in 1920s Vienna...that curious time when orchestras took the trolley to work...a young girl named Mary, played by Elle Fanning, is annoyed when her younger brother Max burns one of the ornaments.
Mary: (holding out a burned fairy decoration) You've burned the whole dress. And now you've made me lose my pen. (seeing her father) Father, look at my fairy's new gown.
NC: (as the actor of the father) Just to check, we're going with that take? We're going with that take? All right. Yes, dear.
Father (Richard E. Grant): Now, we can't wait any longer.
NC (vo): So their British father is going out with their American mother while they wait for their German uncle...Albert Einstein! In Vienna. He's played by Nathan Lane.
(Just as said, Albert Einstein (Lane) is shown riding in a carriage)
Einstein: (addressing the camera) Such a beautiful city, don't you see? I have the strangest feeling that we are being followed.
NC: Mr. Lane, under the impression that this is a documentary.
Einstein: We are not being followed. Now I'm a little disappointed.
NC (vo): If you think he's like the all-knowing narrator who constantly breaks the fourth wall, he only briefly addresses the audience two other times in the middle of the movie, and it always comes out of nowhere. It's so brief and lacking consistency, it's kind of amazing.
NC: It's like starting off How the Grinch Stole Christmas with...
(The opening to this Chuck Jones special is shown)
NC (vo; imitating Boris Carloff): Every Who down in Whoville loved Christmas a lot. (Beat) Bye. (You can hear how a door gets opened, followed by a car revving up and zooming away)
(Einstein shows up at Mary's house and greets the kids)
Einstein: Merry Christmas! (to the parents) Are you leaving already?
Father: I asked you to be here at five.
NC: (as Einstein) I thought it was Halloween! I came dressed...
NC (vo): ...as Don King!
(A man appears, carrying a sack)
Man: Where d'you want it, boss?
Einstein: By the tree.
(The man brings out a doll house with mechanical toys in it: an anthropomorphic chimpanzee, a clown and a Rastafarian drummer. Yes, you read that correctly)
NC (vo): It looks like Uncle Albert has a gift for the kids...ooh, a Hereditary doll house!
Max (Aaron Michael Drozin): (pointing at the clown) Who's the fat guy?
Einstein: Oh, shh! You'll hurt his feelings. That's Tinker. He's very sensitive about his weight.
NC: (as Einstein) He kills anyone who brings it up. You're actually kid #5 to own him.
(Einstein sits behind the piano and takes out a nutcracker toy for Mary)
NC (vo): Speaking of deathly horrors...
Einstein: The Nutcracker. I call him "NC" for short.
NC: (the Nostalgia Critic, of course) Pfft. What dumb initials.
Einstein: They say he is the most wanted doll in town.
NC (vo; as Einstein): (whispering) Don't look at him too long! (The shot focuses on the Nutcracker's uncanny-looking face) He eats hearts like creamed corn!
Max: (from upstairs) It's just a stupid toy!
Einstein: What is just a toy for you may be a real friend for someone else.
NC: (as Einstein) My wife has a toy that she calls the greatest friend in the world. And I hate it.
NC (vo): And, no joke, he puts lyrics to the Nutcracker music to instruct them about the theory of relativity. (speaking sarcastically) Because I'm sure that was Tchaikovsky's idea when he wrote it.
Einstein: (singing to the tune of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy", going upstairs) Every point of view is...
Mary and Max: View!
Einstein: (singing) Simply up to you, it's...
Mary and Max: You!
Einstein: (singing) How your dreams come true, it's...
Mary and Max: True!
Einstein: (singing) As real as...
Mary and Max: Who?
Einstein: (singing) Why, you!
NC: Originally, I thought operas and bagels were the worst things to have Einstein's name on it. (The cover for Philip Glass' "Einstein on the Beach" opera and the logo for Einstein Bros. Bagels are shown) Thank you for proving me wrong.
Einstein: (singing) This is that, these are those. / What is real? What's ideal? (As he's singing, Mary and Max are doing really weird dance moves)
NC (vo): What adorable spasms they're having. I'm sure that's protocol for hearing this song.
(The night comes, and Einstein tucks the children into their beds)
Mary: Why don't you come live with us?
Einstein: I'm always with you, dear.
Mary: (turns to her left side) Will you tell us the Nutcracker story?
(As she turns back, Einstein has disappeared without making any sounds. A dramatic sting is put over that moment. Cut to a clip from The Dark Knight)
Commissioner Gordon: (to Harvey Dent, referring to Batman) He does that.
(The Nutcracker comes alive, much to Mary's shock, falls down a shelf and into a pile of pillows, and many feathers burst out)
NC (vo): Hey, if I was him, I'd flee before having to watch what's up next.
(The Nutcracker is now bigger in size and is animated)
Nutcracker (voiced by Shirley Henderson): I can't believe it. You did it.
Mary: What do you mean?
Nutcracker: I mean, I've been waiting for someone who believed like you. You're really special.
NC: (grinning) I'm noticing there's no enchanting music...
NC (vo): ...when this horrifying thing comes to life, but maybe that's because the composer wrote something like this.
(The shot zooms on the living Nutcracker's face as a haunting chorus is heard)
Nutcracker: Please don't call me Nutcracker. I hate that name as well. Call me NC.
NC (vo; as the Nutcracker): Or Soul Stabber, destroyer of good dreams!
(Frau Eva, the house's maid, played by Frances de la Tour, opens the door to see the feathers around the room. The Nutcracker hides behind the door)
NC (vo): The maid hears them and comes up to see what's happening.
Mary: I was fast asleep, dreaming, and...my pillows, well...just... They exploded.
NC: God, I didn't think you can make Padme's acting look like Judi Dench, but the evidence stands before you.
(Frau Eva leaves, closing the door)
Nutcracker: Phew! She would have dropped dead if she saw me.
NC: Anybody would. You're like...
NC (vo): ...Terrance and Phillip if they were Satan's dildos!
Nutcracker: I have to speak to my friends in the doll's house.
Mary: Wait. I have to get dressed first.
Nutcracker: I don't have time!
Mary: (in a slightly posh tone of voice) How ungrateful men can be.
NC: (as one of the actors) Really? No take two on that? Ah, okay. Okay.
(Mary (in her ballroom dress) and the Nutcracker come downstairs and stand in front of the door)
Nutcracker: You might find it a little changed. Are you ready?
NC: (shaking head) I'm not ready for anything with your creepy face staring at me.
NC (vo; as the Nutcracker): (speaking in a demonic voice) I ate your hamster when you weren't looking. He tasted like love.
(They enter the door, and Mary discovers that the hall is different: there is a starry sky instead of ceiling, everything has become bigger, including the doll house, and its three inhabitants are also alive, moving like normal creatures)
NC (vo): So they find the house has changed and everything has become a lot bigger. And even the toys seem to have come to life.
Tinker (Hugh Sachs): This house hasn't been refurbished for 30 years.
Nutcracker: Gielgud...
Gielgud the Chimpanzee (voiced by Alan Cox): Your Highness, I was getting one of my migraines at the time, and I was reduced to this.
NC: (rubbing forehead) You know, I can't believe I'm saying this for the second time in the 11 years I've done this show... Care Bears was more faithful than this!
(Mary and the Nutcracker get inside a cabin to go to the top of the Christmas tree)
Mary: Why do they call you "Your Highness"?
Nutcracker: (hesitating a bit) Oh, uh, uh...no real reason. Just something they do.
NC: (as the Nutcracker) Because I'm the King of Pissed Pants when I'm onscreen! You should see the movie theater floors!
Nutcracker: Mary, you're very pretty.
Mary: (giggles, as the Nutcracker looks aside in embarrassment) Why, thank you.
NC: (as the Nutcracker, drumming fingers deviously) I thought about wearing your face as a hat. Is that too forward?
(After they arrive, they meet the ornament that came to life: the Snow Fairy, played by Julia Vysotskaya, who also portrayed the role of Mary's mother. Note: the actress is actually the director's third wife)
NC (vo): They go up the tree to see the Snow Fairy, played by the same woman who played the mother.
Snow Fairy: I want to thank your friend Mary here for my wonderful new gown.
NC (vo; as the Snow Fairy): It burned quite conviniently, though it singed some delicate parts.
(The snowflakes form the people dancing in a circle)
NC (vo): She sees the Dance of the Dandruff, and the fairy says that she can join them.
Mary: But I can't fly.
Snow Fairy: How do you know if you've never tried? Get on with it! Go on! (Mary walks on a tree's branch, trying to balance out)
NC: You know, so this is what the woman...
NC (vo): ...from The Omen saw before she jumped.
Snow Fairy: Get on with it! Go on!
(The clip from the 1976 movie The Omen is shown, showing Damien's first nanny preparing to commit suicide with a smile by hanging herself from a roof of a building)
Nanny: It's all for you!
(Back to The Nutcracker)
Mary: (having jumped off a branch and happily floating with snowflakes) Oh, I can fly! I can fly!
(The conclusion of that scene from The Omen plays out next: Damien's nanny hangs herself, much to the horror of the parents and the servants)
NC (vo): And, once again, they try putting lyrics to the ballet music, and it flows about as well as you'd expect.
Snow Fairy: (singing to the tune of "Waltz of the Flowers") Cucumber cool or more frantic? / Is each day a new beginning? / Have you got a fight worth winning? / You can guess, yes and yes, / For you're special and unique.
(NC hears a door opening)
Rachel: (offscreen, singsong) Critic, I need to borrow you for our musical number!
NC: (sighs, to the camera) One second.
(He gets up and leaves. We cut to Malcolm and NC in their characters' outfits slowly running around Tamara/Kevin. Rachel watches this, smiling)
NC and Malcolm: (singing unenthusiastically) We will get you, Kevin, / We will send you to heaven...
Malcolm: (breaks character) I'm sorry, was this really written to have lyrics?
Rachel: (sighs, stops the recording on the camera) What does it matter?
Tamara: I say, I feel like the composer might have constructed it to match a little bit better.
Rachel: Oh, it's fine! For the opening music credits, I just put in the lyrics from the first song in Nightmare Before Christmas.
NC: (sings to himself) This is Halloween, this is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween... (speaks normally) Hey, that does match!
Rachel: So you agree it's a good idea.
NC: Well, I didn't say that-
Rachel: Wonderful! I think I got what I need from you here. Continue watching that brilliant version of Nutcracker.
Tamara and Malcolm: (suddenly grab NC by the shoulders) Take us with you.
NC: You don't want this.
Malcolm: No, you don't want this!
Tamara: Take us with you! Please! Please!
NC: (desperately slapping Malcolm and Tamara's hands) No, no, no, no, just get away! Get away! Get away! Ju...just stop it! Stop it!
(He runs off, leaving Malcolm and Tamara in a troubled state)
Rachel: (excited) All right, who's ready for the cannibal scene?
Malcolm: Do we actually bite off fingers in this?
Rachel: Well, not fingers.
(Malcolm and Tamara lower heads as they realize they are probably gonna be biting off something...lower than fingers. Back to the movie, Mary grabs the hand of the Nutcracker, only to realize he has turned back into his human form)
NC (vo): Somehow, through love or some shit, the Nutcracker turns into Timmy from Jurassic Park.
The Prince (Charlie Rowe): I'm going straight back to my kingdom.
Snow Fairy: The least you could do is ask her for a dance.
(The Snow Fairy makes an inviting gesture, as music starts playing and the ornament figures enter behind her to dance)
NC: We just started "Dollar Store at Kad on Ice".
Snow Fairy: (singing) Young and old are growing...
NC (vo; as the Fairy): Our goal is to be as forgettable as (poster of...) Nutcracker and the Four Realms. Admit it, you forgot that was even a thing.
(The Prince and Mary go to the top of the Christmas tree, which is built as a balcony, and look over the dark clouds covering the Prince's kingdom)
NC (vo): They dance and then go further up the tree to explain how the Rat King took over his kingdom.
The Prince: He released his army into the city center.
(We get a flashback where the rats are invading the capital of the kingdom. A giant drill comes out of the ground and releases entire squadrons of rat soldiers)
NC (vo): The Nutcracker, everybody. Giant metal schlongs that hold rat peoples that are somehow still less scary than the Whos.
(The rat soldiers are patrolling through the city as the citizens are fleeing in panic. An older man attacks the passing soldiers with his flower bouquet, because comedy)
NC (vo; as the man): These flowers will stop them. Eh, please notice my flower attack. (The shot fades out) Don't cut away from me, I have more!
The Prince: The Rat King is frightened of the sun.
(We then cut into a throne room, where the Rat King is giving a speech to his soldiers)
NC (vo): Well, I guess these are the Nazis everyone talks about in this film, and I tell you, they got Art Spiegelman's work completely backwards. (The cover of Art Spiegelman's book Maus appears) It's the cats who are supposed to be the Nazis, not mice.
NC: (shakes his head) God, that was the most serious Tom and Jerry comic I've ever read.
NC (vo): The Rat King is played by John Turturro, portraying a Hitler-type Andy Warhol...
NC: (waves off) Oh, you mean similar to... There is absolutely nothing similar to this.
NC (vo): ...As his soldiers discovers saboteurs trying to blow up his base.
Saboteur: You'll never be more than a mangy dirty rat!
Rat King: It's all so unnecessary.
(The Rat king puts a walnut down, as the saboteur is brought to him. Once he is there, the King smashes the nut with the saboteur's head. During this scene the audio from the "disappearing" pen scene from The Dark Knight is played over it)
Joker (Heath Ledger): (Audio) How about a magic trick? Ta-da! (Scene from The Dark Knight is shown now) Ah, it's gone.
(The Rat King snips his fingers once in the air, while the soldiers are laughing, and then he turns to his throne and snips in its direction to make a band appear, which starts to play a song)
NC: (not impressed) Oh, wasn't that magical?
(The band plays a jazz version of "Dance of the Reed Flutes" as the Rat King sings a song about the reign of the rats)
Rat King: (singing) Welcome to a Stygian era...
Soldiers: Era!
Rat King: (singing) Darkness wherein rodents see much clearer...
NC: God, this is so Tchaikovsky.
NC (vo): You know, it's good that kids can watch this and think Nazis aren't all that bad. I do hope this has a tie-in with Nick Jr's upcoming show Nutsy Nazis.
(A scene from a Hitler sketch is edited in with the Nick Jr. logo and the fake title edited in)
NC: (smiles) I hear they're doing a crossover with Peppa Pig.
(The Rat King is standing on a latter in front of a giant water tank containing a shark. He knocks the lamp inside the tank, electrocuting the shark, making everyone else in the hall run away in fear)
NC (vo): See if you get this. He has a giant shark in a tank, just so he can kill it.
Rat King: (laughing) Yes, a masterpiece.
NC: (shakes his head) I'm not a villainous mastermind, but I feel like there's more possibilities with a Hitler Andy Warhol rat and a shark in a tank! Like...something more has to come out of that equation!
(The Rat King runs by a gallery of crying children)
NC (vo): Hey, look, it's pictures of the audience.
(The Rat King rubs one of them to clean it a little)
NC (vo): He just rubbed a kid's nipple. Nutcracker!
(We then enter the room of the Rat Queen, also played by de la Tour)
Rat King: Mother!
Rat Queen: Oh, it's only you.
NC (vo): For pretty much no reason at all, there is also a Rat Queen, played by Frances de la Tour.
NC: Oh, I don't know, I still think...
NC (vo): ...that's Tonya Harding's mother. (A picture from Lavona Fay Golden is shown)
Rat King: Your spell on the Prince is broken. He's alive. Alive!
(The Queen is rubbing her temple, as she crosses her legs, which are shot in a way that the audience can see all of her legs)
NC: I can't imagine test audiences actively writing down ("writing something in his notes") "More rat queen legs open, please. Lunch not entirely gone yet!"
(The Queen is drinking some strange cocktail. The scene is pretty hard to watch thanks to the queen's creepy expressions and the annoying slurping sounds)
Rat Queen: Oh, this is good.
(The posters from Truth or Dare, The Bad Nun and Voodoo are shown)
NC (vo): It's funny. So many horror films try to scare people and don't succeed, but, really, all we needed was Andrei Konchalovsky to entertain your kids. That somehow gets the most terrifying imagery one could come up with.
NC: His take on Cartoon Network could be the most terrifying thing imaginable next to Cartoon Network!
(We see Mr. Bossman from the episode "Terror Tales of the Park V" from Regular Show edited into the upper left corner. Back to the movie, the Prince is turned back to the Nutcracker and the balcony he and Mary stand on becomes unstable. Mary falls down from the tree to the ground and...instead falls out of her bed, as if this was a dream)
NC (vo): The Rat Queen re-casts her spell to transform the Nutcracker back to the way he was. This, somehow, wakes Mary up, showing this was all a dream, question mark?
(Mary runs down the stairs of her house, but gets caught by her parents)
Father: What is it? Why aren't you in bed?
Mary: I have to save him.
NC (vo): So, only about halfway through, we suddenly get what's usually reserved for the third act of Mary being told her stories aren't true and nobody believing her.
Father: Where are you going?
Mary: I don't want you to see me cry. (In her room, talking to the Nutcracker) Nobody is listening. Not even trying.
NC: (reacting to her emotionless acting) Something your acting coach said a lot?
Mary: (singing) They simply say, "Come what may". / I'm lying.
NC: (resting his head on his fingers) Your singing coach, too?
NC (vo): To her credit, I wouldn't sing well if I had to stare at that Pac-Man voodoo doll either.
Mary: (singing) ...and I feel I'm wanted.
NC: Ugh, where's Maya Rudolph when you need her... (Makes a dismissive hand gesture) Okay, I can't go that far.
(Outside, Einstein turns his head to speak to the viewers)
NC (vo): Hey, look, the second time Einstein talks to the camera.
Einstein: I have the strangest feeling that something is wrong at Mary's house.
NC: You look like that Troll doll...
NC (vo): ...nobody played with at the bottom of the toy chest. (The movie poster of Trolls is shown in with Einstein's head edited over every troll's head) This film would have bombed if they all look like you!
(Einstein is visiting Mary's house again and talks with her father)
Einstein: Is everything alright?
Father: Uncle, a quiet word in my study.
NC (vo): Albert comes to the house and finds everything is in disarray.
Father: When you leave, please will you take the doll’s house away with you.
Einstein: Tell me one thing before I go, Joseph.
NC: (as Einstein) Were you blackmailed to be in this movie, too?
Einstein: Has it really been so long since you've been a child? (starts singing "Story of a Boy", this film's version of "The Nutcracker") How he cried, his dreams have died. / The young forget, and all to soon his life was overtaken.
NC: Yeah, let's just call this song what it is.
NC (vo; as Einstein): (singing to the piano) You're at the age of not even trying, they know the make-believe will bomb, (The box office of this movie is shown again) oh, it's gonna bomb.
Einstein: (still singing, off-screen) ...left alone, abandoned on...
NC: It's one of those magical songs where everyone remains...
NC (vo): ...perfectly still, the camera doesn't move and we're not even focusing on the person singing.
Einstein: (still singing, off-screen) ...of childhood.
(A scene from the song "Step in Time" from Mary Poppins is shown)
NC (vo): It's like "Step in Time" if it was "Sit in Silence".
(Einstein lays a pebble on the father's desk)
Einstein: Here. I saved it for you.
NC (vo): The father agrees to let Mary keep the Nutcracker when Albert shows he still has the pebble he played with when he was a kid. Not realizing it was just one of the many lucky pebbles Albert carries along.
Einstein: (to the viewers) I'm so glad that I didn't leave the house without my lucky pebbles.
(We get a clip from the Cocoa Pebbles Flintstones commercial)
Fred: Barney, my pebbles!
(At night, the Rat King and some of his soldiers are sneaking inside Mary's house in their animal forms)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, some rats sneak into the house... (We see the badly animated Rat King) God, you gotta love those effects. Looks like Emo Philips if he was a Secret of NIMH Happy Meal toy. As we cut to- AAAH!
(We cut to a close-up of the living Nutcracker)
Nutcracker: He has spies everywhere!
NC: You know, Pumpkinhead would be a much scarier movie if he looked like that.
(We get a scene from Pumpkinhead, where the face of the Nutcracker is edited above the titular monster. Back to the movie, Max awakens to also find out the living toy he criticized before)
NC (vo): Max wakes up and realizes why he had trouble sleeping that night, and every following night in the future.
Nutcracker: (behaves like a commander) Do you want to join the fight against the Rat Kingdom?
Max: (salutes) Yes!
Nutcracker: On one condition. That you promise not to break any more toys.
NC: (terrified) Why? Just looking at you is breaking us.
(Mary and Max are downstairs in the warped living room, just to realize that the Rat King has already taken every toy captive)
NC (vo): They head downstairs and find out that the Rat King has kidnapped everybody and asks Mary and Max to join him.
Rat King: (addresses the drummer, Stick) Play something for the kiddies, drummer boy, something snappy.
NC (vo): Now, let's say you're unfortunate enough to watch this as a child. You don't know what Nazis are or World War II or anything like that; you'd probably be getting through this movie okay, only bothered by the demon eyes of Pinocchio Cap'n Crunch here.
NC: But imagine you're a kid halfway through, and you see this.
Rat King: ...and you've reached yours!
(The Rat King rips Stick's head off, turning her back into a human-sized lifeless toy. This act makes NC scream in absoulte terror through the entire scene, which we see a few times during this. The Rat King then throws Stick's head to the kids)
Rat King: Whoo! Catch!
Mary: No, Max, put it back!
(Max throws the head back, which gets caught by a soldier, who throws it back to the king. We then see his CG rat fangs popping out of his mouth, which is as terrifying as it sounds, before the scene and NC's screaming finally ends)
NC: YOU'D PROBABLY SHIT ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!
(We then hear a dripping sound, as NC looks down on himself)
NC: (deeply ashamed) Like I just did.
Tamara: (offscreen) What's that smell?
Rachel: (offscreen) Ugh, again? That's the second time someone's done this in this production!
(NC looks both shocked and confused in the direction of Rachel, as we cut to the commercial break. After coming back, we're shown the toys being locked in cages to be taken away)
NC (vo): So the Rat King takes Mary's friends away, and she tries to...um, tell on them?
Mary: I'll call my father!
Rat King: Father? You can't even convince the man we're real.
NC: (as the Rat King) We're like ManBearPig! Uh...wait, is he real now? I keep losing track of what I'm supposed to think.
Rat King: We even have a special Rat Bike for you to ride.
Max: (already wearing a pilot hat) A Rat Bike? (to Mary) I'll be right back, Mary.
NC (vo; as Max): I've been easily seduced by fascism. Tell me, do you also have Turkish Delight?
(The Rat King drives Max on his motorbike through the sewer and to the palace. Mary, meanwhile, discovers Gielgud lying on the ground helplessly)
NC (vo): So Mary tries to figure out what to do by talking to the monkey, who...for some reason, they just left behind.
(Mary and Gielgud go to the attic of the doll house, and Gielgud knocks on the mirror to find the other way to the kingdom)
Mary: How do you do that?
Gielgud: Remember what your Uncle Albert used to say?
NC: (as Mary) When in doubt, blow it up.
Gielgud: That which seems beyond our reach may in fact be...close at hand.
NC: (as Mary) No, I'm pretty sure it was "when in doubt, blow it up".
(Mary and Gielgud go through the mirror and into the trashed kingdom, wearing the soldier helmets to protect themselves)
NC (vo): They travel through the mirror to the Nutcracker's city, and I have to say: this Planet of the Apes spin-off is much stranger than I thought it would be.
Gielgud: (as Mary holds the flyer that says "Do the rat thing! Vote for ratification!") The sun is blocked out by smoke from burning toys. (One toy's ashes are seen scattering in the air) You do know the rats burn toys?
NC: Wait. Like inanimate toys, or living toys, like the ones we've been seeing?
(Cut back to the first scene with the Nutcracker)
Nutcracker: All dolls are alive.
NC: Okay, I guess that's supposed to mean they're all alive... (freezes in place, realizing what this means) You're not.
(We're again shown the scene of the Rat King speaking to the Nutcracker, Tinker and Stick)
Rat King: You ever wonder what happens to a doll's soul when it burns?
NC: (shakes head) You're seriously not.
(The people of the kingdom, paired as parent and child, are brought to the Rat King's palace/smoke factory to the big pile of inanimate toys before them. The rat soldiers take the toys away from the children to toss them to the pile)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah. You thought this was gonna be simple bad guy Nazi imagery like in Indiana Jones or old Looney Tunes cartoons? (As he says this sentence, screenshots from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Daffy the Commando are shown) But no. People being rounded up, children crying, and the sky filled with smoke from factories burning piles of what they just made clear are living individuals. All of this is actually happening.
(On the balcony, the Rat King jumps on the partition and...sings joyfully)
Rat King: (singing) So this is our manifesto...
NC (vo): But it's cool, because an incredibly silly song is sung over it! That should lighten up the constant reminder of one of the darkest times in our world's history!
(The Rat King jumps down and tap dances, doing pirouettes, as his jazz band begins playing their rendition of "Spanish Dance" and the children are forcibly deprived of their toys. The astonished NC is watching his with his jaw dropped, slowly putting hands behind his head. The Rat King wastes no opportunity to...take the photos of the crying children on camera)
Rat King: Oh, hold it! (takes one photo) "Moaning Lisa". (takes another one and more) Ah! Yes! Ah, ah!
NC: You know...it's funny that Nathan Lane is in this, because...this whole entire movie is like the show...
NC (vo): ...The Producers were trying to put on to get it so jaw-droppingly awful that it would bomb the first night!
(The scene is shown again, but with clips from the 2005 movie The Producers shown durning this. First, a reaction shot of the theater audience with their jaws dropped. Second, a clip of a rich couple leaving the theater)
Lady: Well, I never! Talk about bad taste.
(The Rat King is shown measuring the shots for his photos of crying children with his fingers)
Rat King: Fantastico! Fantastico!
(The third clip from The Producers shows the titular characters observing everything on the balcony)
Max Bialystock (Lane): Come on, let's get outta here before they kill us.
(Again, we cut to the scene of the Rat King taking the photos of the children and clamouring)
NC: I'm sorry, but...this is disgusting! This is legitimately disgusting! It makes me sick to my stomach! And the idea that other artists would be inspired by this, like other people would want to replicate it, it's just... (stutters) I'm sorry, I gotta talk to Rachel for a second! (stands to leave) I'm sorry! I'll be right back!
(NC returns to the room)
Malcolm: (playing the satanist) All right, Kevin. You outwitted my friends Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy...
(The camera pulls to the left to reveal Jim Jarosz and Rob Walker playing the said serial killers)
Rob: (playing Gacy, clearing throat, bored) Pilgrim.
Malcolm: But there's no way you can escape the biggest threat of them all. Charles Manson!
(The camera pulls to reveal...Barney Walker portraying Manson, wearing a prisoner unform with "Doc" written on it, and with a question mark on his forehead)
Barney: (playing Manson, monotone) Kevin.
NC: (facepalms, whispering) Oh, my God.
Barney: (playing Manson) Come on out, or we're gonna do terrible things to your Legos.
(Barney/Manson akes out some Lego figures, and "Dahmer" and "Gacy" break them...as much as they could in this absurd scenario)
Rob: (playing Gacy) Pilgrim.
NC: Oh, my God, stop! Stop!
(Everybody breaks their characters, and they go away in relief)
Rob: Thank Christ.
Rachel: (stops the recording on the camera) Ah, jeez. What is it now, Critic?
NC: (walks to Rachel) What do you mean, "what is it now, Critic"?! You're serial-killing Home Alone!
Rachel: It's not actually serial killing. It's just Legos.
NC: It's very clear what you're doing, and nobody's gonna think about a little kid outwitting burglars! They're just gonna think about all the terrible things those killers did!
Rachel: Critic, I'm trying to take people into the darkest region so that the happy scenes seem happier. I am an artist. I must be allowed to... (takes sunglasses off, whispers dramatically) art.
NC: But it's coming across less like you want to make people feel good and more like you just want to stand out by using shock tactics.
Rachel: Oh, that's rich, coming from the guy who gets people to watch him just by shouting the F-word.
NC: (gets angry) Hey, I don't just shout...! (abruply covers his mouth) I don't just shout the F-word.
Rachel: Talk about me being immature. Nobody would watch you if you didn't drop the F-bomb all the time.
NC: You know what? You're insane, this project's insane, and I'm gonna finish this Nutcracker to prove that it's insane, too! (storms off)
Rachel: Oh! He just doesn't get it! It's always more important to be loud than to be right.
Rob: (offscreen) You're on Twitter, aren't you? (Rachel looks aside, squinting eyes menacingly)
NC: (sits back in his chair, folding arms) I'll show her. I'm more than just screaming the F-word! (After a beat, he shifts eyes nervously) Aren't I?
(Mary and Gielgud free Tinker and Stick, but the tied-up Nutcracker is put on a conveyor belt to burn. He's surrounded by many other inanimate toys. Mary rushes to save him while the doll house's toys distract the rat soldiers by playing their circus rendition of "The Nutcracker March")
NC (vo): So the others escape, but the Nutcracker is about to be burned. (nervously) Again, not thinking of anything else at a...oh, okay, let's get back on track. So they try to distract the guards while Mary saves him.
Tinker and Stick: (singing) You gotta hang loose and catch the show! / Don't need an excuse to "go, Rat, go"!
NC (vo): I'm starting to wonder if Jerry Lewis just put on a fat suit and this was an expensive redux of The Day the Clown Cried. I can see now why he never wanted it released!
Mary: (holding the inanimate Nutcracker down the conveyor belt) NC, we have to hurry.
NC (vo): Mary rescues the Nutcracker...wait, that can't be him. He's actually there...but the Rat Queen's spell seems to have worked too well, and he's just an inanimate toy.
Mary: (shakes the Nutcracker) Please! (She sobs)
NC: Aw. She just realized she can't get out of her contract.
(The Snow Fairy's face materializes out of snowflakes in front of Mary)
NC (vo): But the Fairy comes and says only Mary has the power to bring him back.
Snow Fairy: It has to be you.
Mary: (tearfully) What do I have to do? (The Snow Fairy looks down in sorrow, disappearing)
NC (vo; as the Fairy): I don't know. Bye.
Mary: NC. I love you.
NC: (as Mary) The less than a day I've known you has taught me all about what love really is.
(Suddenly for Mary, the Nutcracker has turned back to human)
NC (vo): It seems to work, though, as he's turned back into a real boy.
(The Prince opens his eyes)
Mary: (smiles) You're alive.
(The clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown, with Marcus Brody crossing his heart in awe after seeing Henry Jones resurrecting)
The Prince: You did it.
(Meanwhile, the factory workers riot and fight against the rat soldiers. The Rat King is panicking and asks his mother what they must do next)
NC (vo): This inspires the workers to rebel, and the Rat King and Queen decide to flee. Wow, that didn't take much.
Rat Queen: Abandon the sinking ship.
Rat King: What?! Abandon my kingdom over some spoiled brat?
NC: No, the fact that a casting director might actually see when this is the reason to go!
(The Rat King retreats with his mother and the captured Max in the motorbike, shooting everything on the way. As the King cackles evilly, the horrifying rat-like teeth appear on his face again)
NC (vo; in an idiot voice): A FAMILY...oh, who are we kidding? (The yellow caption "PSYCHO" is put on a green caption) A PSYCHO picture!
(The factory explodes, chaos ensues, and more soldiers...fly out with metal wings on them?)
NC (vo): So now there's rocket-powered nazi rats...
NC: (waves off, grinning) How did no ballet ever work that in?
(The Prince leaves Mary in the metal elevator for safety)
NC (vo): ...and Mary is locked in the elevator to protect her.
(Somebody shoots the rope, and the elevator cabin falls down)
NC (vo): Doing a bang-up job, as you can see.
(The hands that belong to the Rat King try to open the doors)
Mary: I'm not afraid of you!
(The Rat King manages to break through the metal with his animal teeth)
NC: (as Mary, wide-eyed) Okay, I'm afraid of you now!
(After biting the metal off, the Rat King cackles and grabs Mary. Meanwhile, the Rat Queen is ready to fly away in the helicopter, but it won't start, so she orders Max to fix the problem)
NC (vo): They kidnap her, as they take her brother aboard a helicopter to fly away.
Max: (under the control panel) Try now.
(The Queen turns the switch on, but the copter only moves slightly)
Rat Queen: You said you could fly this thing!
Max: I know I can. I just don't know how to take off.
NC: ...The essential "fixing the helicopter" scene. How did Tchaikovsky forget to write for that?