The Next 15 Missed Opportunities of AT4W
December 30th, 2013
15 more opportunities that Linkara failed to notice in previous episodes!
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. We come once again to the end of the year. And what a year it's been, eh?
(A montage of clips of Linkara's past videos over the last year is shown)
(Cut to shots of comics that Linkara looked at over the last year)
Linkara (v/o): ...I learned to appreciate my favorite comic book team again, and I witnessed the final chapter of the "Brute Force" saga. I discovered true madness in the pages of "All-Star Batman and Robin" and the darkness that dwells within us all, thanks to the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids.
Linkara: (looking confused) I may have gotten those last two switched around. (points to camera) You make the call!
Linkara (v/o): I reviewed the first comics of the "2099" line, and I did my first review of "The New 52". I witnessed the cast of Star Trek fighting a would-be god, political insurgency, Kang the Conqueror, and even the Grinch. I put bookshelves behind me for the first time. I got myself a new reviewer outfit. I discovered what may be the greatest comic ever made: "Mr. T and the T-Force #2". And I explored the continuing downward slope of quality of "SCI-Spy", "Kamandi at Earth's End", and of course, "Marville".
Linkara: But I think we can all agree that the most important thing that I did this year, the absolute pinnacle of my career as a critic... was that I got to be the Cinema Snob for a day!
(Cut through static to Brad Jones as the Snob)
Brad: And what people don't know is that I got to be Phelous for a day! (laughs) That was a hellish nightmare that I never want to do again!
(Cut through static to Phelous)
Phelous: Internet static... And I got to be Linkara for a day! (rolls eyes) That was stupid.
Linkara: You didn't get to be me, Spoony was me! You just made me come and rescue you!
Phelous: I so was totally (points at Linkara) you! I even reviewed a comic and had my own computer and spaceship!
Linkara: Didn't you die or something, and it turns out we're all just figments of your imagination in some kind of Tommy Westphall-like scenario?
Phelous: (rolls eyes) Yeah, I'm sure I'll get around to resolving that at some point around never. Still... you're the best imaginary friend I ever thought up, Linkara.
Brad: But I am still the sexiest person you ever thought up, right?
Phelous: I think that's without saying.
Brad: (relieved) Whew! Damn straight.
Linkara: (staring in confusion) Two thousand thirteen has been kind of a strange year.
(Cut to a shot of the cover for "Marville #4")
Linkara (v/o): The point is that I've made a lot of people laugh this year, but there are also a lot of jokes I could have made, but didn't for one reason or another.
Linkara: And now, we're gonna look back the last five years and find some more jokes I could have made. These are the Next 15 Missed Opportunities of Atop the Fourth Wall!
(A montage of clips of Linkara's past episodes are shown, set to Frank Sinatra's "My Way", before showing the title for this; this will be the interlude footage throughout the video; cut then to AT4W opening titles, followed by the title card, which also has "My Way" playing in the background. All of the countdown images will be of covers from the reviews, except for #15, which is of a movie review, and thus is a poster instead...)
Linkara (v/o): Number 15: From the Alone in the Dark crossover.
Linkara: This one gets the number 15 spot because this is technically not an Atop the Fourth Wall episode, but considering I was involved in it, I might as well bring it up.
(A clip of Atop the Fourth Wall is shown)
Linkara (v/o): So, Tara Reid, archaeologist... (pauses the movie and snickers) Oh, it never stops being ridiculous. Tara Reid, archaeologist, lists off the places where they've located these ancient artifacts.
Aline Cedrac (Reid): (to Edward Carnby) The thing is, they're all from different locations: Venezuela, Newfoundland (pronounces it "New-FOUND-land")...
Linkara: (his hand on his chin, as though thinking) Hmm, New-found-land. I've never heard of that country. Is it anywhere near my home country, A-MEER-i-KAY?
(Cut through static to the Nostalgia Critic, with whom Linkara had collaborated for that review; he rolls his eyes and sighs)
NC: Linkara, there was a reason we didn't talk about New-found-land in the review.
Linkara: This episode is gonna be nothing but cameos from my fellow reviewers, isn't it?
NC: Look, the reason is because she didn't mispronounce it.
Linkara: I think the people of Newfoundland might object to that.
NC: (holding up both hands) No, no, no, no, no, no, because she wasn't talking about that, she was talking about New Found Land. New Found Land. It's an island just off of Ireland. It has a proud heritage and a wonderful history. And... (becomes emotional as he puts his hand over his heart while patriotic music plays) it's the country of my ancestors.
NC: (after a beat, he becomes annoyed) NO, YOU COMIC-READING DORK! Because everything Tara Reid says is either stupid or lisping or terribly acted! So I just focus on that!
Linkara: (holding up both hands) Okay, fair enough. (beat) Where are your ancestors from?
NC: Canada! (pronounces it "Can-A-day") Eh?
Linkara (v/o): Number 14: From the "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan #2" review.
(Cut to some shots of this comic)
Linkara (v/o): There are actually quite a few good jokes – that I felt, anyway – that came out of my ripping on this terrible adaptation of the best Star Trek movie ever, including the sequence that actually occurred. That said, given my love for both singing and another science-fiction series, I'm surprised I never made this joke: Khan closes in on the Enterprise and begins talking to himself.
Khan: Khan: Ah, Kirk, my old friend. Are you familiar with an old Klingon proverb that says revenge is a dish... that is best served cold. It is very cold in space...
Linkara: (as Khan) In fact, Kirk... (sings) It's cold outside / There's no atmosphere / I'm all alone, more or less... (as Joachim) Um, my lord, are we going to shoot at them or... (as Khan) Let me fly far away from here / Fun, Fun, Fun, in the Khan, Khan, KHAN! (as Joachim) I fear that fifteen years in exile may have softened our leader's superior intellect...
Linkara (v/o): Number 13: From "Gameboy #2".
(Cut to Linkara's review of that comic; in particular, a panel showing Tatanga hijacking the airplane)
Linkara (v/o): So, Tatanga, after unloading all the passengers off the plane, sets a course for Cape Canaveral to steal the space shuttle from NASA. The logic is that the plane they're on is far too slow to get them to Disney World, but the space shuttle goes five miles a second, meaning they'd get there in no time. Then again, Cape Canaveral is only sixty miles away from Disney World, and in this comic, they send a space shuttle up into the atmosphere before dropping it back down again, and as a result, it takes them longer than the twelve seconds the space shuttle would have, you know, taken to get them there if they had just gone in a straight line. Considering the average commercial jet is about five to six hundred miles per hour, it would have actually taken them less time to continue on the flight.
Linkara: (his hand resting on his cheek, listlessly) Tatanga, you're not good at courting women, your plans lie upon a crazy jerk who steals Game Boys, and you're bad at math. Perhaps you should be working your way (raises hand in the air) up to conquering worlds. Perhaps start with conquering a Hardee's and seeing how well you execute that.
Linkara (v/o): Number 12: From "JLA: Act of God #3".
(Cut to shots of Wonder Woman in this comic)
Linkara (v/o): So I'm guessing Doug Moench actually doesn't know anything about Wonder Woman and was just vaguely guessing at what her powers and backstory were, since apparently the most compassionate and loving figure in the world, the Spirit of Truth, upon losing her superpowers, decides to go onto Wall Street, then forgets she ever worshiped the Greek gods and decides Catholicism is the way to go, before she then turns suicidal. And somewhere during that, she also gets into a relationship with Superman, because Lois was in love with Superman and not Clark or some stupid crap like that.
Linkara: I mean, can you imagine Wonder Woman and Superman getting together without any real buildup in the overall story? I'm sure glad that kind of stupidity doesn't happen in "The New 52". (shakes head smugly) No, sirree!
Linkara (v/o): Also, "Kingdom Come" does not count, since Lois was dead and Mark Wade actually built up their relationship. But back to stupid Elseworld stories, there's "JLA: Act of God". So, having lost all hope because God doesn't answer her prayers, Diana is ready to kill herself with a broken shard of glass. To be fair, she chooses not to and starts praying again. Now, here's the really stupid part I didn't think at the time: she's pregnant. She knows that she's pregnant. And yet, immediately after she stops herself from committing suicide, she starts praying for...
Diana: ...some reason to go on... some hope...
Linkara: (his head resting on his hand) Gee, Diana, perhaps that hope could come in the form of that BABY YOU'RE CARRYING! Just, uh, tossing that idea out there.
Linkara (v/o): But no, her salvation comes in the form of the Brawny Man, AKA Superman, who went off to become a lumberjack for a bit. And yet, she's pregnant with his baby... except, they've clearly been apart for a while, considering how Clark was treating her throughout the story and acting like a drunken idiot and having a hard time believing she was in the mood to sleep with him. I'm sure the smell didn't help. Personal hygiene is usually the first to go when you stop giving a crap.
Linkara: Then again, it's a Doug Moench story. He didn't give a crap unless it involves Batman in some capacity.
Linkara (v/o): Number 11: From "NBC C–" From "NBCo–" From "NBComics #1".
(Cut to footage of the opening of one the shows featured in the comic: ProStars)
Linkara (v/o): NBC comics provided a lot of material to work with, in particular the story of Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo Jackson forming a crime-fighting trio to help kids around the world.
(Cut to shots of the ProStars comic from "NBComics #1")
Linkara (v/o): And of course, it reveals the ultimate weapon of doom that, if we were to find out its true nature, would no doubt doom all of existence: THE LASER BAT. However, there is another part of ProStars that I failed to point out. So, the ProStars went to the Amazon rain forest to help a band that had gone missing, and ran into the invisible villain known as Captain Ipenema.
Linkara: Well, we assume he's Captain Ipenema. Since he's invisible, we can actually be dealing with Marley's Ghost here.
Linkara (v/o): While not explicitly stated in the comic, said comic serves as the lead-in to an actual episode of the ProStars cartoon, where we learn that Captain Ipenema was trying to steal the world's supply of "Amazonite". At the time, I scoffed at the idea of something called "Amazonite", because clearly they named it that because... (dopey voice) "Hey, they're in the Amazon! Dur, Amazonite!"
Linkara: Though I'm probably giving the writers of ProStars too much credit for even thinking that far ahead. They probably were actually thinking it was (waves hands around) "AMAZE-onite" or something, because it's an "amazing" mineral.
(More footage of the show is shown)
Linkara (v/o): However, I scoffed too soon, because, as it happens, Amazonite is in fact a real mineral, sometimes called "Amazon stone".
(Cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): It is also indeed found in the Amazon River and parts of Brazil. It has also been found in friggin' Colorado and Virginia, and for a time, was most commonly found in Russia. It's used as a gemstone sometimes...
(Back to footage of the show)
Linkara (v/o): ...but the thing is that Amazonite is part of the feldspar group of minerals. Feldspar are the most COMMON MINERALS ON EARTH!
Linkara: So we have an invisible pirate captain – in full pirate regalia, too – kidnapping people and his potentially illegal mining operation for a mineral that's not worth very much money, and whose (makes "finger quotes") "world supply" is not located in one area. (pause) ProStars was not a good series.
Linkara (v/o): Number 10: From "Superman Meets the Quik Bunny".
(Cut to a panel from this comic)
Linkara (v/o): So, the Quik Qlub has transformed their super-uber-duber rocket treehouse into a hot-air balloon...
Linkara: And trust me, knowing the context for that sentence does not make it any less crazy.
Linkara (v/o): ...and the Weather Wizard has created a massive storm in Washington, D.C. In particular, there's a tornado that's causing problems with the area and the balloon, but one member of the Quik Qlub, Patty, has an idea.
Patty: I read in a science book once that the safest spot to be during a tornado is its eye!
(Cut to the obligatory panel from "Superman At Earth's End", showing the...)
Hitler Clone: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
(Cut back to the Superman and Quik Bunny comic)
Linkara (v/o): Um... no, the eye of the tornado is NOT the safest spot to be! Well, okay, sort of. Yes, there is a relatively calm area inside of a tornado, but the only way to get into it is through the violently horrible WIND CURRENTS!! And even if by some miracle you did get inside, tornadoes are not stationary! They tend to move fairly quickly, so you wouldn't be able to stay in it for very long!
Linkara: But of course, the Quik Qlub has a very easy solution to both problems. You see, they just fly up and over the tornado and go inside of it! (smiles sarcastically, then irritably slaps himself on the head with both hands)
Linkara (v/o): I mean... J-JUST LOOK AT THIS! Yeah, this right here is perfectly safe and logical! As long as you have a super-magical flying clubhouse made by the Quik Bunny, you're perfectly safe! NO DANGER AT ALL!!
Linkara: Don'tcha love it when the educational material is dumber than the average child? (smiles sarcastically)
Linkara (v/o): Number 9: From "Superman #701".
(Shots of this comic are shown)
Linkara (v/o): This one was so damn obvious I'm surprised I didn't actually point it out. Hell, I pointed it out in the first "Kamandi at Earth's End" review. As a refresher for you all, after then-recent events involving other surviving Kryptonians, Superman was slapped by an angry woman for, you know, trying to save the planet instead of her husband, who was dying of cancer or something. And this made him decide to walk across America and make stupid speeches to people about heroism is; also that you can totally get rid of drug dealers by setting fire to their drug dens and then telling a little kid that problems are solved by making them someone else's problem. But, let's forget about those idiotic cases and instead focus on the entire concept. See, Superman is walking. Not flying, not running – walking. And yes, we can make some allowances for him having incredible endurance and strength, but Superman is not invincible, nor is he without weaknesses. He still needs to eat and sleep, as we saw with him stopping in a diner for a "Philly cheese steak sandwich".
Linkara: A scene that many Philadelphia commenters pointed out was absolutely stupid because nobody calls it that in Philadelphia, just ("finger quotes") "a cheese steak".
Linkara (v/o): And the point being just how much time this little walk of his will take. Even if we assumed he's moving in a straight line, which he isn't, by the way; the same Philadelphia residents pointed out his movement was bizarre, considering all the places he was going to in the comic were all over, and in the following issues, he's moving in different directions up and down the country. A normal human, at absolute best, would probably average fifty miles a day while walking. From New York to California is about 3,000 miles, so about two months if we're being charitable about this. And because he's zigzagging across America, it means he's taking even longer to get around, plus he's stopping to help everybody with every tiny little problem he comes across. So, at best, he's probably running around for... hmm... half a year doing this. And there's a lot of dead space in between states, where he's just walking, alone with his thoughts. It is probably the most boring activity for him ever. You know, the primary criticism people had about this story when it was first announced was that you can't do a story about somebody just walking around. That's bullcrap, of course, because a good writer can make any premise good, even if problematic. But I would remind you that Superman doesn't have a good reason why he's doing this; he just is. No, the problem is that this is a slow-moving story about Superman wandering around, with absolutely no point or purpose except speechifying and taking his sweet-ass time moving from city to city.
Linkara: And because comics come out on a monthly basis, what it basically is telling us is that we're watching Superman's journey in real time. And while one can make a story about someone taking a walk interesting, that doesn't mean we want to see it happening in person. Nor do I think it's particularly interesting for him to experience.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, yeah, and he's also away from his job as Clark Kent, who is supposedly covering the story, despite nobody else seeing him, and he did this without consulting his wife. Our slow, stupid hero, everybody!
(Cut to Pollo)
Pollo: We'll be right back in a moment. Maybe. We'll see.
(Pollo leaves as the AT4W logo appears in the corner; cut to a commercial break; upon return, Pollo is seen again)
Pollo: And we're back. Good times.
(Pollo leaves as the AT4W logo appears in the corner again)
Linkara (v/o): Number 8: From "Youngblood #4".
(Cut to shots of the covers of the comic series)
Linkara (v/o): Words are really dang important, my friends, which is why it really bugs me that people use them so poorly or don't know how to choose their words properly, or in some cases, carelessly use words, not realizing their actual context or meaning. Oh, sure, some words have had their meanings softened or transformed with time so that things that were inappropriate a hundred years ago don't mean the same thing they used to. Buuut then we have Rob Liefeld, who brought us this little ditty from the pages of "Youngblood". The home team of Youngblood has just found the away team and the, quote-unquote, "character" named Prophet. If I were Shaft, I'd be asking how the hell that mask stays on Prophet's face like it does. Instead, Diehard says that Prophet is fighting against a group called "The Disciples", and Shaft says this...
Shaft: Prophets and disciples, huh? Sounds like the Biblical equivalent of Armageddon to me.
Linkara: (massaging his forehead) The Biblical equivalent of Armageddon... is Armageddon! The word comes from the Bible! It's like saying, "The Biblical equivalent of Jesus!"
(Because Poor Literacy... also involves not knowing what words mean.)
Linkara (v/o): Number 7: From "15 Things Wrong With 'Identity Crisis'".
(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): So I spent a LOT of time talking about the various problems with "Identity Crisis", but there's a rather big one I kind of forgot, so hey, here we are. One of the main themes of "Identity Crisis" is about, well, the secret identity thing, the importance of protecting it, for obvious reasons.
(Cut to shots of one character in particular...)
Linkara (v/o): And here we have Jean Loring, crazy lady who murdered someone and is an accessory to at least two other murders. Without trial, she is placed inside of Arkham Asylum, and, well, it became public knowledge pretty quickly that she was responsible for the murder of Sue Dibny. Except, she has quite a lot of information about the secret identities about other heroes, Batman included. And let's not screw around here. Arkham has pretty crap security and houses hundreds of psychopaths and crazy people and VILLAINS, who all have a beef with Batman. And, oh, look! Here's this normal, human lady who happens to know Batman's secret identity. Even if they didn't know that she knew, she's pretty unhinged. Do you want to keep her in a place where she can let that information slip, because she's having a fit of insanity?!
Linkara: Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It's Arkham! If she hadn't found the Eclipso Diamond that brought her into (disgustedly) "Countdown", she probably would've just walked out of there ten minutes later, with the security guard (makes a waving motion) waving to her and reminding her to sign in when she gets back!
Linkara (v/o): Number 6: From "Kamandi at Earth's End #3".
Linkara: We actually have a few from that issue of "Kamandi at Earth's Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland That Is Not Actually the End", but those ones follow a similar theme, as opposed to this individual one. (smiles smugly)
Linkara (v/o): So, after Kamandi, Sleeper Zom and Saphira come across the crashed airplane, they decide to head to Washington, D.C.
Linkara: Probably assuming that they can take cover from Ben Voxer inside of a tornado, knowing how smart this group is.
Linkara (v/o): Saphira is excited about the large library in D.C., and when Kamandi expresses how useless books are to them right now, Saphira delivers her little line of infamy that still makes me laugh, considering how stupid this book is.
Saphira: Books are full of thinking!
Linkara: Post-apocalyptic worlds really love to reinforce how awesome books are. They're full of thinking, and as "Bimbos B.C." taught us...
(Cut to a shot of someone's room, with a message displayed on the wall...)
Linkara (v/o): "Books are best friends."
Linkara (v/o): Number 5: From "Brute Force #3".
(Cut to a shot of the comic showing the antagonist, Mark De Mal)
Linkara (v/o): So, an insane industrialist named Mark Dhamaal has decided that there's no use fighting pollution, so the best way to fix things is to turn everybody into mutant fish people who can breathe polluted air. While a stupid plan already, he puts in new levels of stupid with this dialog...
De Mal: If the operation is successful you will be the first nu-man and nu-woman to breathe pure pollution!
Linkara (v/o): "Pure polluti–"?! Pollution is not an element! It is not a chemical! Pollution is what happens when natural elements, like, say, water, have other elements added to them that ruin their purity! So what the hell is pure pollution?
Linkara: (alarmed) Oh, no! An empty water bottle has been left on the beach! It's– It's pure pollution! (clutches his throat, gasping for breath) I– I can't breathe! (suddenly calmer) Uh, oh, oh, wait. Thank God. Somebody picked it up and threw it away. Everything's gonna be fine. Everything is fi– (becomes alarmed again) Oh, my God! A CANDY WRAPPER!!
(He clutches at his throat again and falls over, off the futon. He raises his hand in the air)
Linkara: (weakly) Damn you, pollution...! (drops hand)
Linkara (v/o): De Mal, why do I get the feeling you've got all your knowledge about pollution from "Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster"?
Linkara (v/o): Number 4: From "Comic Book Quickies #1".
(Cut to a shot of one of the comics featured in the video: "Star Wars Tales")
Linkara (v/o): In the first edition of "Comic Book Quickies", we took a short Star Wars story that tried to explain why Jedi were not allowed to fall in love. Many commenters tried to explain that in the actual canon, it was more about reflecting Buddhist teachings and techniques about rejecting material possessions and earthly connections.
Linkara: And I say taking little kids away from their parents to raise them in a restrictive environment where they're not allowed to express their feelings, or at least learn healthy ways to express them, is really kind of stupid and short-sighted.
Linkara (v/o): And considering in the expanded universe, Luke Skywalker reversed that call and Jedi were allowed to marry once he became the head of the Order, I think that's kind of a major point to me. But hey, fair is fair, and I do understand what they were trying to go for and the overall concept in Buddhist teachings. What I don't get is why Qui-Gon Jinn decided that the best way to convince a young Obi-Wan Kenobi that love was a bad thing was by telling a ridiculous story about two twin Jedi who both fell in love with the same woman, and their jealousy and fighting were so destructive that they blew up a planet. Which brings me to my missed opportunity to cause shenanigans on this whole thing. I mean, besides for all the other reasons I can call shenanigans on this.
Linkara: Namely, that, if the entire planet was blown up – and this happened really damn quickly, remember – how the hell did anyone learn about this?
Linkara (v/o): The story established early on that it was in the very early days of the Jedi Order. There weren't a lot of Jedi out there, and communication was pretty scarce. Hell, there wasn't even any debris from the destroyed planet. It was utterly vaporized. How the hell did they find out about that?! And I know some of you are gonna start telling me, "Well, they learned about it through the Force." That is a cop-out, and you know it! If the Force was able to convey information about this kind of stuff in as explicit a detail as Qui-Gon described, from their childhood to their adulthood, they should not be having problems figuring out half the crap they have to discover later on! Hell, in the original Star Wars, Alderaan was blown up and the only thing Obi-Wan knew from his connection to the Force was that millions of voices were silenced, not that a GIANT BALL HAD BLOWN THEM UP! Relying on the Force for everything is not good writing. It's the equivalent of the First Doctor's magic box doing whatever the hell you want it to do.
Linkara: (holding up one hand and pointing to it with the other) The story is stupid, Qui-Gon Jinn is the worst Jedi ever, and he is personally responsible for letting Jar Jar Binks hang out with everybody during the entirety of The Phantom Menace! (crosses arms) I rest my case. (nods)
(Cut to shots of the two comics)
Linkara (v/o): So, Al, in his infinite wisdom, decides to use his bank card from the future in a modern ATM machine, thinking that it will work in the past. When the machine eats his card, he goes inside and meets Alan Greenspan, who says that his card is valid, but that since it's from the future, the account won't come into being for another 3,000 years, and thus he can't let him have any money.
Linkara: If you have not been keeping up with the "Marville" reviews, just realize that that is barely the tip of the insanity present in that series.
Linkara (v/o): Upon leaving the bank, with only a toaster to show for his troubles, a criminal accidentally trips over his dog, and thus, he is granted a $100,000,000 reward in $100 bills. While the first issue does not mention the kinds of bills in it, we know from "Marville #2" that they are $100 bills, because that's what he's handing out to people from his huge sacks of money. Oh, yeah, he gets a second bag of $100,000,000 for capturing the same criminal twice. Again, it's a really weird and stupid comic. So, why am I bringing all this up? Well, someone in the comments did the math for me: $100,000,000 in $100 bills takes up 3,980 square feet and weighs 2,040 pounds. And the dude is easily carrying those sacks of money.
Linkara: You know, Al thought that traveling through time gave him superpowers. Evidently, it did. Not super strength, mind you, but the ability to pull off ridiculously idiotic stuff like this. That is indeed a superpower, it's just not a good one.
Linkara (v/o): Number 2: From "Cry For Justice #2".
(Cut to a shot of this comic, as Linkara describes it...)
Linkara (v/o): So, Hal Jordan, after his temper tantrum on the JLA watchtower, proceeds with Green Arrow to the roof of a building and trades horrible and stupid remarks about promiscuity and how Hal hates Gotham because he's an idiot.
Green Lantern: Yeah, well, I know this is Gotham, where it's law apparently that people conduct every important conversation on a rooftop, but is there a reason we couldn't have met in your office?
Green Arrow: Don't be rude, Hal.
Linkara: (as Green Lantern, exaggeratedly, with arms crossed) Yes, Mom.
Green Lantern: Rude? I'm freezing!
Linkara: You're... freezing? On a slightly chilly night? When you fly around in space all the time?! You know? Outer space?!
(Cut to the panel from the "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan" comic showing Khan saying...)
Khan: It is very cold in space...
Linkara: (frustrated) Well, apparently, it isn't, Khan, because (points behind himself with his thumb) Hal is feeling slightly nippy on a rooftop!!
Linkara (v/o): In fact, this dialogue is so stupid that Green Arrow actually calls him out on it!
Green Arrow: You've been in deep space for Pete's sake! Suck it up.
Linkara: "Cry for Justice" was so stupid that it was actually becoming self-aware of how stupid it was! I don't even know how that works!
Linkara (v/o): And the number-one missed opportunity is... from "Kamandi at Earth's End #3".
Linkara: Yep, told you there were a few more missed opportunities for this one. But, uh, fortunately, they're all on a theme. (clears throat, then takes a deep breath)
(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): "Cruisin' Thunder Road", eh? Well, good for them to be cruisin' on it. Me, personally, I could never get beyond Thunder Road.
(Editor's note: "Thunderdome Jokes: 4")
Linkara (v/o): Speaking of, where is Thunder Road, exactly? Is it just over the horizon, or is it perhaps beyond Thunderdome?
("Thunderdome Jokes: 5")
Linkara (v/o): (looking at the plane covered in laser beams in the comic) Wow, that plane is really getting hammered with laser beams! And the beams are coming down in a very specific area. The sphere of attack, as it were. And they move so fast, like thunder! Wow, they just can't get beyond Thunderdome–
Spoony (v/o): (interrupting) No!
(Cut to Spoony, who interrupts Linkara as he sits in his room)
Spoony: No! No! No! No! No!
Linkara: What? What is it, man?
Spoony: This is bull, dude! You're not doing it right! You're only doing this to catch up with me, (gestures toward himself with both thumbs) the greatest comedian on Earth.
Linkara: You did not invent the Thunderdome joke, man; I can make as many as I want.
Spoony: You're forcing it to catch up with my completely legitimate count!
Linkara: Oh, please, at least I vary it up. You just see little people in a movie, connect it to Master Blaster, and thus, "make the Thunderdome joke."
Spoony: At least I'm not forcing it like you. I know how to properly Thunderdome.
Linkara: (throwing up hands) You know what? You know what? I don't even care anymore. (shakes head) I am going to move past this. I am going to go beyond Thunderdome.
(Spoony pulls a gun on him)
Spoony: Go ahead, dude. So you can take me? Go ahead on. It's your move.
Linkara: (terrified, holding up hands) Uh... Well, that's it for 2013. I'll see you all next year, assuming Spoony can, uh, move beyond Thunderdome.
Spoony: DAMN YOU!! (fires gun as screen goes black)
(End credits roll)
If you were expecting some of my jokes to be references to certain series or movies, just remember that I don't watch EVERYTHING and there are plenty of shows and movies that are after my time.
You know, even Forrest Gump was RUNNING when he went around for no reason.
(Stinger: Spoony's room is shown again, but this time, the camera is lying on the floor on its side)
Spoony: Oh, shit! (stoops down beside camera to look into it) In hindsight, I probably should not have fired my gun at the camera.