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The New Teen Titans Anti-Drug Giveaway #2

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Released
May 1, 2017
Running time
26:23
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Tagline
Really what I get from this is that Wally West is bad at following up on stuff.
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Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. And welcome back, my friends, to "PSA Hell"!

("PSA Hell" title is shown)

Linkara (v/o): Today's "PSA Hell" was voted on by patrons among (holds up three fingers) three very good possibilities. Not that we'll never get to those others, but it'll probably be a bit.

(A montage of shots of "The New Teen Titans Anti-Drug Giveaway #1")

Linkara (v/o): A few years ago, during PSA Hell Month, we talked about "The New Teen Titans Anti-Drug Giveaway" comics. I labeled it as number one, but obviously, I've seen different lists for these things that conflate the order they came out in. The good news is that, as far as I can tell, each one is standalone, so it's not like to need to be covered in any order. Really, what's different is who sponsors them, the one last time being sponsored by the Keebler Corporation. The significance there is that Robin's likeness was under license to Nabisco at the time, so Robin couldn't be shown in the book, even though they'd already drawn him in. So they just replaced him with another guy, called "The Protector".

Linkara: Because I guess just recoloring him and calling him "Bluebird" or something would have been too petty.

Linkara (v/o): The last one featured testimonials adapted from discussions the creators have had with real-life drug addicts, and overall, it wasn't that bad, just with some goofy parts and some dated elements, although apparently the original proposed story was watered down significantly because of both the various agencies they worked with on it as well as just how outlandish-sounding the drug names were from the users.

Linkara: (as a drug user) Yo, dawg! I got something new for you to try out! You want a hit of... (holds up a kid's meal with Japanese writing and a Power Ranger on it) Burger Morpher?!

Linkara (v/o): So, will the second of these be better? Or will it just be a silly thing that I'll be referencing years later like "China Cat"?

Linkara: Well, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "The New Teen Titans Anti-Drug Giveaway #2" and find out.

(AT4W title sequence plays; title card has "Something's Always Wrong" by Toad the Wet Sprocket playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Linakra (v/o): The cover is good, featuring our heroes charging at what I presume to be drug dealers in the foreground, who are all in shadow. Only problem I really see here is Cyborg. Dude can't fly, but it doesn't really look like he's in the middle of a jumping pose, so instead, he's floating in midair, with no explanation. Also, I can buy that the Protector is on a swing line, but presumably, he had to throw the line or grappling hook or whatever in order to swing in, so where was his starting point? There are two different versions of the book, one sold on its own and one that was given away for free as part of an educational package. The ones given away for free were paid for via the corporate sponsorship, so while my scanned copy comes from one with just a black bar across the top covering up the original text, the one that I'm holding in my hand proclaims...

Text: The American Soft Drink Industry presents DC Comics' The New Teen Titans!

Linkara: Because we want kids to stop being addicted to drugs and start being addicted to caffeine.

Linkara (v/o): Surprised that Pepsi would be taking such a decisive position, though. Don't they people to...

(Cut to a picture of a person holding up a sign reading "Join the Conversation", with the "T" in "the" reaching up into "Join", so it looks like a new word, "Jotin", while the "A" in "Conversation" looks more like a "Q", as though reading "Conversqtion")

Linkara (v/o): ..."jotin the conversqtion" about drugs instead?

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): We open at what appears to be an abandoned carnival with some drug runners.

Narrator: They are the best there is: The Changeling, shape-shifter supreme...

Linkara: See, I'm pretty sure that Beast Boy just has that on his own business cards.

Narrator: ...Cyborg, half man/half robot; Kid Flash, super-speedster...

Linkara: Kid Cyborg, half speedster/half robot.

Narrator: ...Raven, mysterious empath...

Linkara: Being mysterious is her best superpower.

Narrator: ...Starfire, alien powerhouse; and Wonder Girl, the amazing Amazon.

Linkara: Collect them all!

Narrator: Together, they team up with that fighting fury known as the Protector. Nothing can stop them now.

Linkara: But only if they're teamed up with the Protector. He basically carries this team.

Linkara (v/o): But yeah, carnival, guys with boxes, and unmarked white vans.

Protector: There they are, just as we were told.

Linkara: That cotton candy is as good as ours.

Linkara (v/o): The Titans are nearby, watching.

Starfire: What are they doing?

Cyborg: Unloadin' their drugs, Starfire...

Linkara: (as Cyborg) I mean, Starfire, weren't you paying attention during the meeting? (as Starfire) Not really, I just kind of thought we were going to the carnival.

Linkara (v/o): They charge in, and one guy, upon seeing the Titans, has the wisdom to not take on the super-powered beings who once saved the world from a giant demon and runs like hell. (a second person aims his gun at them) This person, however, is not so smart.

Thug: I'm gonna off me a couple'a heroes!

Linkara: (as thug) The choices I've made in my life have not steered me wrong so far, so here I go!

Linkara (v/o): The Protector leaps down.

Protector: We've been tracking you for weeks now-- waiting to see how you brought those drugs into the country.

Linkara (v/o): Aaand he throws them through some windows.

Linkara: Boy, is it gonna be ironic when we learn that they were smuggling morphine.

Linkara (v/o): Starfire berates them for bringing in something that can hurt and kill kids.

Wonder Girl: It's even more than that, Starfire. Once on drugs you can't function as a person. Reality becomes a drug-induced haze.

Linkara: So... it's like reading "Marville".

Linkara (v/o): After rounding them all up, some officers arrive.

Protector: It's the Federal Task Force!

Linkara: (as one officer) Sorry we're late, but Steve wanted to ride the merry-go-round.

Linkara (v/o): The Task Force asks the heroes to stick around and help since a big shipment is supposed to be coming. They agree, and we learn that this is taking place around Blue Valley, a fictional town in the DC Universe that's supposed to be in or near Nebraska. The Protector pulls Kid Flash aside.

Protector: I have a favor to ask. My cousin, Ted Hart, just moved to Blue Valley. He's had a bad drug problem. Fact is, he almost died a year or so back.

Linkara: (as the Protector) Admittedly, it was completely unrelated to the drug problem, but still...

Linkara (v/o): Since Kid Flash lives in Blue Valley, he'd like him to keep an eye on his cousin, which he agrees to. A day later, Kid Flash, in his civilian identity as Wally West, goes to visit Ted. He reassures Ted that Blue Valley is a great place to grow up in.

Ted: I sure hope so, Wally. This is a new start for me.

Linkara: (as Ted) I've had to change video players, like, three times now. I'm hoping this one works out.

Ted: I know Jason told you about my, uh, problem.

Linkara: (as Wally) Yes, yes, your desire to sniff dryer lint. Don't worry, we'll get through it.

Linkara (v/o): The two start walking to school.

Wally: Was it really as bad as he said. [sic]

Linkara (v/o): Ah, nothing like something educational that forgot to put in proper punctuation.

Ted: I was real sick last year. Couldn't even go to school. Before then I was in and out of treatment centers.

Linkara: (as Ted) Withdrawal was a hellish nightmare, but the food was good, so I kept coming back.

Linkara (v/o): He continues to talk about how drugs screwed him up.

Ted: I started out with beer and pot, but then I went on to uppers, downers, cocaine and PCP.

Linkara: (as Ted) I think my first mistake was trying to put them all on a sandwich at once.

Linkara (v/o): As they arrive at the school, Wally introduces Ted to Amy King, the sister of his best friend. However, nearby, a couple is arguing.

Girl [Linda]: Brian, I don't like how those drugs are changin' you, honey. C'mon, baby-- go to that parent/kid workshop.

Linkara: (as Brian) Geez, Mom, ever since I started dating you, it's been nothing but whining!

Linkara (v/o): I mean, yeah, I guess the assumption is that he'd go with his own parent, or maybe he doesn't have to go with one, but it's just a weird, weird way of mentioning it. Anyway, Brian tells Linda he doesn't have a problem just before Amy introduces the two to Ted. Wally has to go off to his own school, and Ted asks Brian what the fight he was having was about.

Brian: Aw, Linda don't like that I smoke dope. You smoke?

Ted: Can't any more. [sic] I was real sick. And I promised my mom I'd try'n stay straight.

Brian: Shame, man, but I can dig it.

Linkara: Wait a second, this is a PSA! (points to camera) Shouldn't he be poking him relentlessly to start smoking?

Linkara (v/o): Nearby, our episode of Degrassi continues with two other new characters, Adam and Coral.

Coral: Getting sick of it, Adam. You see other girls but you don't let me see other boys.

Adam: That's the way it goes, Coral. Y'don't like it, tough!

Linkara: (as Adam, wearing sunglasses) Only tough guys like me can handle being dickheads.

Linkara (v/o): Just to further his douchebaggery, he interrupts their conversation to sell a kid some marijuana and then just resumes it as if nothing happened.

Coral: 'Sides, you're always so high you're no fun anymore.

Adam: Well, baby, maybe I don't need you anymore. Lots of girls out there.

Coral: Lots of boys, too.

Linkara: (as Adam) Exactly! And only I am allowed to date them all!

Coral: Maybe I'll see you around. An' maybe I won't.

Linkara: (as Coral, looking thoughtful) I have been thinking about starting up my own music company with a holographic computer.

Linkara (v/o): After school, Amy asks Ted about an answer he gave in class.

Amy: You're really smart, Ted.

Ted: Well, I read a lot while I was recuperating.

Linkara: (as Ted, excitedly) Oh, man, Amy! Let me tell you about the pumpkin festival!

Linkara (v/o): She asks what he was recuperating from.

Ted: Drugs. I was told everybody in school was taking them.

Linkara: (as Ted) But it turns out they were actually talking about standardized testing.

Linkara (v/o): We cut to the Protector attacking some drug suppliers, punching two of them out.

Protector: But I want to know who supplies you! I want their names--now!

Linkara: (as Protector) No, I don't care if I knocked you out! I'm a new hero entirely, so you don't know what powers I could have! I could be telepathic! In fact, BOOM! I'm telepathic now!

Linkara (v/o): The leader says he wants to talk to a lawyer, but the Protector just expresses his outrage about his drug peddling to kids.

Protector: You'll sell them anything just to make a buck. But drugs hurt kids. Pot and hash can damage their lungs, hearts and reproductive systems. Uppers can bring on hallucinations, paranoia, convulsions and even brain damage.

Linkara: (as Protector) Oh, sure, it sounds great, but what's the catch?

Protector: Cocaine creates intense psychological dependence, anxiety, paranoia, damage to the nasal passages, lungs and heart that can result in death.

Linkara: (as drug supplier) Sir, I think I'm well of how my product works. Why are you lecturing me about this?

Linkara (v/o): We get a little montage across the page for Ted and Amy starting to go on dates together, first with them studying...

Amy: Ted, I really like you.

Linkara (v/o): ...and then them at a beach.

Ted: I love being with you, Amy.

Linkara (v/o): Man, Ted's drug problems were so bad that he responds to people days later at the beach. Meanwhile, Starfire is chasing after some more drug dealers that are in a car.

Starfire: (thinking) What I don't understand is why some Earthlings try to hurt their children? On my planet, we love our kids. We would never do anything to hurt them.

Linkara: (as Starfire) All we do is send them to a life of enslavement to protect our planet.

Linkara (v/o): After she disables the car, we get a page of the Titans attacking various drug dealers to try to get information out of them, including Cyborg and his extend-o-arm.

Cyborg: No way, turkey!

Linkara: Why did we ever stop using "turkey" as an insult?

Raven: (confronting two other drug dealers) I am Raven, an empath who senses pain and feelings. But all I sense in you is evil.

Linkara: (as Raven) Time to bring on the pain, then!

Linkara (v/o): Despite their best efforts, nobody's talking about the big drug shipment, and they're worried that if they don't find it soon, the drugs will be in schools by next week.

Linkara: Yeah, that'll be a real problem, what with all the drugs that are already there. It'll over-saturate the market.

Linkara (v/o): Back to the school, Brian buys some drugs off of Adam and walks with Ted up a hill.

Ted: You're into cocaine, too?

Adam: Yeah. Snow, speed, dexies, barbs...

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Dragnet)

Sgt. Joe Friday (Jack Webb): (narrating) The ticket, the coast, the ghost, the beast, the chief, the hawk...

(Back to the comic again)

Adam: Makes me feel real calm, y'know... like I can do anything.

Linkara: Cocaine, well-known for calming people down.

Linkara (v/o): Ted reiterates how he's not gonna do drugs anymore when Coral shows up to hang out. She's brought her own drugs with her.

Coral: Real good stuff, too. Laced with angel dust for a real high.

Linkara: (as Coral) How do you think my hair (points to his head) turned this color?*

  • NOTE: Coral's hair is pink, which explains the joke about forming a band from earlier, as she looks like Jem.

Linkara (v/o): The goodwill I gave this comic before about not having Brian push Ted goes out the window as both now pressure him to have just one smoke.

Ted: You don't know how hard it is for me to say no. But I promised...

Coral: Your momma dress you, too?

Linkara: (as Ted) Well, yes, but only when we watch Sleepaway Camp. It's actually kind of weird.

Coral: I thought you were a real guy. C'mon, most of the school's into this stuff.

Linkara: (as Coral) That damn pet hamster and Mrs. Bordeaux's English class is still holding out, but it'll come around.

Linkara (v/o): He only finally agrees when she tells him that Amy's into it, too.

Narrator: It hurts to say yes... but it hurts more to refuse...

Linkara: It hurts even worse when he accidentally inhales the entire joint and swallows it.

Linkara (v/o): Down in the schoolyard, Adam is watching, apparently angry at this, although you'd never get that from this image. I get more (as Terminator) "I'm looking for Sarah Connor." (normal) A month later, Ted's out with Amy at a movie theater and he's fidgeting around.

Ted: Wr-Wrong, nothing's wrong, Amy. Nothing's ever wrong anymore.

Linkara: Well, somebody's not a Toad the Wet Sprocket fan.

Linkara (v/o): He walks out on her, ostensibly because she keeps complaining, but of course, it's just the drugs talking. Several minutes later, he goes back to Adam for more drugs, but apparently, he's in the middle of appealing to a new demographic. They're not sold on it, having read already that drugs are bad.

Adam: Tell you what. Have some weed on me. Give it a try.

Linkara: (as one of the kids) Dude, you just handed us some dandelions.

Linkara (v/o): And after Adam* gets some Quaaludes, he ends up spending more time with Coral over the next several weeks.

  • ANOTHER NOTE: It's Ted, not Adam.

Narrator: Several more weeks pass as Teddy Hart and Coral Gianetti become good friends... Friends whose relationship is not based on caring, but on how high they get together...

Linkara (v/o): Yeah, but when you get right down to it, wouldn't you want to see giant versions of your own heads looming behind you? At school, as the teacher starts talking about the Pythagorean Theorem, Ted suddenly gets up and claims how he's so bored with triangles.

Ted: They don't mean anything, man. Who cares about triangles? You? Me? No one!

Linkara: (singing) Triangle Man, Triangle Man / Hates Druggie Man...

Ted: Why care 'bout that stuff, man? Only thing important is how you feel. An' me, I intend to feel good.

Linkara: (as Ted) From now on, I live a pants-free existence!

Linkara (v/o): He quickly leaves, with Brian and Amy in pursuit and clearly knowing that the drugs are affecting him. Linda apparently also follows while Brian just runs off with Ted into the afternoon. Amy and Linda, realizing they need help, go to Wally and explain the situation to him. He beats himself up over the fact that he was supposed to watch Ted, but just tells the two he'll do his best to get them to enroll in the parent-kid support groups. Wally changes into his Kid Flash costume and races out.

Kid Flash: (thinking) I feel like I'm in a different world from those kids. Not only don't I take drugs, but I'm not even sure I fully understand what drugs do.

Linkara: Wally, your uncle is a police forensics scientist, and you're helping a national task force stop drug runners. I would think you would know at least a little about what drugs do.

Linkara (v/o): He heads to a parent-child support group being run by the Protector.

Child: I've heard that drugs like cocaine and amphetamines aren't addictive.

Protector: Wrong!

(Cut to a clip of a Saturday Night Live sketch, showing "The McLaughlin Group")

John McLaughlin (Dana Carvey): Wrong!

Morton Kondracke (Kevin Nealon): Wrong?

John: Wrong!

Morton: Right?

John: Wrong!

(Cut back to the comic)

Protector: Cocaine, amphetamines, marijuana and hashish are pyschologically [sic] addictive.

Linkara: (mock alarm) Oh, no! Pyschologically! The more you have to pee, the more addicted you are!

Linkara (v/o): Yeah, I know, "psychologically", but seriously with that typo? Come on already! You're handing these out to schools! As for that statement... yeah. I mean, from the brief research I did, marijuana addiction is rarer, but it does occasionally happen, and sometimes it's just not the same kind of addiction that's as dangerous. I mean, it's still a drug, for crying out loud. You're putting something in your system that's not supposed to be there, but there's a reason why legalization continues to be a widely-discussed topic for that. I mean, nobody's really advocating for legalized heroin. Well, I mean, unless you're kind of weird. Anyway, point is, I'm not an expert in the slightest; I've never never even done any drugs before and I may be talking out of my ass, but I think the Protector is being a wee bit overprotective. After bringing in a kid to talk about how drugs screwed him up, possibly this comic's version of the testimonials, Wally tells the Protector about this, and they head off to intercept a drug deal between Adam, Brian and Ted. Adam tells Ted not to hang around Coral, but is interrupted by the Protector kicking Adam.

Brian: Ted! Adam--the cops!

Protector: Not the cops, son-- just people who want to help other people.

Linkara: Ah, just like how Dick Grayson wanted to help Roy Harper when he was high on China Cat. Kicking solves everything!

Linkara (v/o): The two are almost run over by a truck, but our heroes save them, once again lecturing them about what drugs can do to them, the damage to their bodies, and of course, how they can kill you.

Ted: You forgot something, Protector--it makes us feel good to take drugs.

(Cut to the well-worn clip of that one episode of Doctor Who showing the Cyber Leader who says that well-worn line...)

Cyber Leader: There is logic in what he says.

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): And so, with that convincing argument, they just walk off, with Kid Flash and the Protector left standing there. Later, Ted's parents confront him on his drug use and want to take him to a support group. However, he just storms off, his parents calling the support group to get additional help. Back over at the school...

Adam: Coral--I don't like you hanging 'round with that nerd.

Coral: Oh, Adam, don't be silly. I only care about you. But you weren't paying any attention to me. So I decided to make you jealous!

Linkara: What?! But that's outrageous! Truly, truly, truly outrageous!

Linkara (v/o): Ted overhears the conversation and is heartbroken, retreating into the boys' bathroom. Brian is already there and is about to snort some coke. Ted asks for some, but he's only got enough for one. Ted yells that he needs it and knocks it out of his hand, spilling cocaine all over the bathroom floor. Naturally, this leads to... the two teenagers crawling around the floor of a high school men's room, trying to snort cocaine off the ground.

Linkara: (applauds slowly) Just... I should just end the review right there! How the hell can you top that? Regardless of anything else that happened in this book, this is the only thing you remember it for. And once again, to remind you, given out for free at schools.

Linkara (v/o): The entire thing is just... eww! But I am compelled to continue on just because of this. The two of them emerge from the bathroom stumbling around everywhere and obviously not doing very well, considering not just the cocaine, but whatever else was on that floor that they chose to inhale. They run out again to Adam... Does this kid actually go to class? He seems to spend every waking moment here. ...and beg him for more drugs, but they don't have any cash on them. After a lot of pleading, he finally gives them two old joints, saying that if they want any more, they'll have to pay him big.

Ted: Wh-Where are we gonna get the money? This isn't gonna be enough.

Linkara: (as Ted) Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but hear me out: we organize a bake sale...

Linkara (v/o): No, instead, they head to a grocery store that night and attempt to rob it with a knife.

Storekeeper: You pot-headed creeps. This is the fifth time your lousy kind tried to push Sam Waterman around. Well, forget it. After the last time, I swore I wasn't going to be your victim again.

Linkara (v/o): And he pulls a gun on them.

Linkara: Unfortunately, due to a misunderstanding, he assumes he's being robbed by werewolves, so the gun is loaded with silver bullets.

Linkara (v/o): He shoots Brian in the side and he topples over. Ted makes a run for it, barely evading getting hit by cars as he makes his way to Amy's house, collapsing in front of it. She comes out and he begs for help. We cut to the southern coastline of Blue Valley, where Adam and Coral are assisting in unloading the big drug shipments.

Drug runner: Careful with those. One of them drops, even one grain of snow lost, and you're dead!

Linkara: (as drug runner) We're not gonna waste when there are tons of bathroom floors we can put it on!

Linkara (v/o): The Titans, having followed Adam from the school, are nearby and decide to attack.

Changeling: A rallying cry! The Titans need a rallying cry! How about-- "Hi there, bad-guys--here we are!"

Linkara: (as Changeling) Or maybe something like "Titans! Together, we'll kick your ass!"

Linkara (v/o): Wonder Girl lassos one of the boats.

Drug Runner 1: I-It's Wonder Girl!

Drug Runner 2: Bah! She's only a girl--what can she do against us!

Linkara: (as this drug runner) A mere girl is no match for me running away in a boat!

Linkara (v/o): Yeah, that doesn't end well for the guy. The Titans proceed to just generally kick ass while reiterating what they're saying the entire comic: they're scum for getting kids hooked on drugs and destroying their lives. As the fight winds down, Raven senses Ted's pain and teleports to him... off-panel. Later, we see everyone gathered in the hospital. Ted and Brian even get to share a room.

Ted's father: You certainly look better Teddy.

Ted: I--feel better, too, Dad... thanks to Raven for finding me and getting me here.

Linkara: Wait, Raven had to get him to the hospital? What, did Amy leave Ted at her front doorstep? Damn! That's cold.

Linkara (v/o): Both Brian and Ted admit their wrongdoing and how they screwed up with the drugs. Their parents are there, too, and reaffirm they'll do everything they can to help them recover from drugs again. Hell, Linda and Amy even show up to do so, too, saying how much they do care about them. And so, our comic ends with the Titans walking off.

Protector: Take care, heroes! You know what you're doing now!

Linkara: As opposed to before, when Ted already declared he wouldn't take drugs again... and then went ahead and did them anyway. Whoops. (closes comic and holds it up) Anyway, this comic is okay.

Linkara (v/o): Really, the problem is that for a book that's promoting the Titans, they're really not that big a presence in it. Hell, the Protector gets the biggest attention in this thing. You know, the guy invented purely for this book because of legal crap? How would this have worked out if they had been able to have it be Robin? Wally dropped the ball hard by not checking on Ted at all before the girls went to him. The story is overall believable enough, with nothing that outlandish from the drug plot. Even with them snorting cocaine off the floor, I can totally believe when addiction is that strong. The only other flaw with the Titan stuff is that they just repeat the same point over and over and over: drug dealers are assholes because they don't care about their victims. It gets kind of repetitive the third time you hear it. The artwork is okay, but not as good as George Perez's stuff, this time done by Ross Andru. There are a few bits where the artwork seems a bit wonky, but otherwise it's perfectly serviceable.

Linkara: Next time, we have some more stuff that patrons have voted on, as we begin (spreads arms wide) "Invent Comics Month"! And to start things off... worlds lived, worlds died, and nothing was ever the same again.

(End credits roll)

Please do not assume that I advocate one way or another on legalization. I really no stake in that fight.

Something tells me that the state funding for lectures against drugs got accidentally diverted to the school for the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids so this school got to see none of the lectures they did.

(Stinger: A box in the apartment bursts revealing...)

Snowflame: (looking around) Where has Snowflame been?!

(Cut to black)

Snowflame (v/o): (the following words pop up) And now, a public service announcement from... SNOWFLAME!

(Snowflame is seen in the apartment, looking at posters for Atop the Fourth Wall: The Movie. He turns to the camera, looking thoughtful)

Snowflame: Where has Snowflame been, you might ask? Snowflame has never left. See?

(Flash back to earlier episodes of the show, starting with one where Linkara, dressed as a Ghostbuster, is sucking away various ghosts. In the background, Snowflame comes in)

Linkara: (offscreen) Ha! Got you now! Pollo, work on the other one!

(Snowflame leaves, looking uncomfortable. Then we cut to another episode, where 90s Kid is trapped in the room by force fields. Dr. Linksano, Harvey Finevoice and Linkara enter, wielding weapons, while Snowflame sits off to the side, playing with a stapler)

90s Kid: (offscreen) Dude, what is this?!

Linkara: (offscreen) Stop it! Where is Vyce?

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Longbox of the Damned: Moarte pops up in the room, which is decorated for Halloween)

Moarte: Hello, my children! And welcome back to Longbox of the Damned! (cackles)

(Snowflame stands in the entryway of a closet and points at Moarte. Then we cut to a closed door, which opens, and Snowflame walks out)

Snowflame: If you're like Snowflame, then you were once a moderately successful alpaca farmer. So fire safety is of the utmost importance.

(Cut to Snowflame in the basement, next to a dryer)

Snowflame: Lint is a good fire retardant. (takes out a lint filter) Make sure your lint trap is full at all times.

(Cut now to Snowflame standing next to a stove, with a bag of Tostitos placed on a frying pan)

Snowflame: Recognize the type of fire before attempting to put it out. There are grease flames, electrical flames, chemical flames and (points to himself) snow flames. Water does not work on any and makes Snowflame uncomfortable.

(Now cut to Snowflame holding up an electrical cord in the living room)

Snowflame: Always cover damaged electrical cords with rugs or blankets. Fires can't start if they're not exposed to sunlight.

(Snowflame tries to bite the cord with his teeth. Cut to Snowflame lying on the floor in the bathroom)

Snowflame: And finally, remember what Snowflame says: keep the fire in your nose and not in your house. (lies down on the ground)

(Cut to black)

Snowflame (v/o): This has been a public service announcement from... SNOWFLAME!

(end)

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