(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then, to the tune of Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik", we cold-open on the words "Dwayne Johnson, 2001". Then we cut to The Rock (played by Orlando Belisle Jr.), who is talking to someone on his phone)
Johnson: Hi, producer whose name the audience will forget if we said it!
(We then cut to said producer (played by Malcolm) who is addressing Johnson via speaker phone)
Producer: Hey, Rock! You excited to be in your first movie?
Johnson: Hey, hey. It's Dwayne Johnson now. If I'm gonna be starring in movies, I should be using my real name, shouldn't I?
Producer: Well, there's been some changes.
Producer: Yes, you're no longer the star of the movie. The studio thinks that Brendan Fraser is gonna have longer lasting power than a guy called "The Rock".
Johnson: Oh, so I'm a supporting role.
Producer: Yeah, and if it goes well, they'll give you your own movie afterwards.
Johnson: Well, that's Hollywood, isn't it? I've come this far; I can wait a little longer.
Producer: Wonderful. We'll have the script for you soon.
(Johnson hangs up, but the phone suddenly rings again. Becoming nervous, Johnson answers)
(It's the producer once again)
Producer: Hey, another change: you've gone from being supporting role to just being in the opening and ending.
Producer: Yeah, they think Rachel Weisz and this new child actor are gonna be a lot bigger than you.
Johnson: All right, well, just keep me posted when you get the lines.
Producer: Will do.
(Johnson hangs up, only for the phone to ring once more. He becomes annoyed as he answers it)
(Yep, it's the producer again)
Producer: So you don't really have any lines, you just sort of frown after losing a battle. Can you do that? (Johnson frowns for real) Are you doing it?
Johnson: (angrily) Yes, I'm doing it!
Producer: Wonderful! This is gonna be your big breakout role.
(No sooner does Johnson hang up, however, than the producer calls him again, and Johnson is becoming more annoyed)
Producer: So you're being replaced with a CG puppet at the end.
Producer: You remember Marta from Arrested Development?
Johnson: (annoyed) No, it doesn't exist yet!
Producer: Well, she's in the movie, and they think she's gonna be a bigger star than you.
Johnson: (massaging his forehead) Sweet Jesus!
Producer: So if you could have those effects done by Friday, that would be great.
Johnson: Wait, you want me to do the effects for the movie?!
Producer: Yeah, they figured if your lazy ass wasn't gonna star in it, you might as well make yourself useful.
Johnson: I've never done CG animation in my life!
Producer: Come on, you have a $98 million budget behind you. How bad could it...
(We then cut to years later (courtesy of a convenient time card), as we are treated to a countdown video: "Sofia's Worst CG FX")
Sofia (Tamara): And now, number 2 (holds up two fingers while the number 2 appears in the corner) on the worst CG effects of all time: (A shot of Johnson as the Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns is shown in the corner) The Rock from The Mummy Returns!
Johnson (vo; crying out): I DID MY BEST!
(We then go to the NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. It's funny, when the 1999 version of...
(Cut to footage of...)
NC (vo): ...The Mummy came out, a lot of people were surprisingly saying they preferred this fun, expensive b-movie to the incredibly anticipated (The poster for the following is superimposed...) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
NC: So I guess it's fitting that their follow-up should be the equivalent of (The poster for the following is shown in the corner...) Rise of Skywalker.
(The title for The Mummy Returns is shown, followed by clips of the movie)
NC (vo): Now, let me clarify: something like Star Wars had a lot more to let down. It is goofy, too, but it had a lot of spiritual, philosophical and mythological elements. The Mummy films from day one knew they were mindless fluff, and most everybody was okay with that. But like Rise of Skywalker, it abandoned any sense of pacing and character and replaced it with constant action and exposition. So when you're supposed to feel for a character, it honestly comes across as more humorous. In fact, a lot of this movie is pretty dull when you're sitting through it because it gives you so little to care about. But when you actually look at the structure, how much it throws at you, and why characters do what they do, it's pretty hilarious. It's kind of like Krampus that way; sitting through it is pretty dull, but remembering it is surprisingly more fun. It is growing on me for just how bad it is, but what's the point in yapping about how ridiculous it is when I can just show you?
NC: Let's go back to 2001 when (A shot of the following movie is shown in the corner...) Joe Dirt ruled the Earth. This is The Mummy Returns.
NC (vo): The film opens with the Scorpion King, played by Dwayne Johnson in his first movie...which may explain why he's still acting like he's in an SNL sketch?
(Raising his sword in the air, the Scorpion King yells in a native language before leading an army into battle)
NC (vo): But give him room to grow. ...leading an army to conquer the known world.
(The Scorpion King attacks and kills several enemy soldiers, not always in the most convincing away)
NC: (as Johnson) Egyptian fighting is fake, yo!
NC (vo): Clearly, they have this battle won!
(Later, the fighting ends as the last soldier dies, and the Scorpion King and his remaining men leave, the King giving a look of disappointment)
NC (vo): Or not.
Narrator: The Scorpion King and his army were defeated.
NC: That's...not the impression you were giving literally a second ago.
NC (vo): Even Rock had a look, like (as Johnson) "What, we couldn't even show that? How are they cutting corners on an amazing budget of..."
(A shot of this movie and the first's respective budgets is superimposed: The Mummy had a budge of $80 million, against The Mummy Return's budget of $98 million)
NC (vo): "...a little more than the last one?"
Narrator: One by one, they slowly perished under the scorching sun.
(One of the Scorpion King's soldiers falls over from exhaustion into a deep pit)
Barf (audio from Spaceballs): Oh, waiter...check, please.
Narrator: If Anubis would spare his [the Scorpion King's] life and conquer his enemies, he would give him his soul.
(Off to the side, the King spots a real scorpion emerging from the sand)
NC: You know, if every god granted that every time it was asked, a lot of people would have conquered the Earth.
NC (vo; narrator voice): The known world was then ruled by (Shots of several random people are superimposed...) Steve, Jacob, Jacob's little sister Molly, even Molly's cat offered his soul!
(A shot of some hieroglyphics are shown, with one of the Egyptian gods on it having the head of Chaplin)
Chaplin (vo): ("voiced" by Doug) I'm God!
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): Like I said...
NC: ...not a ton more money for these effects. Clearly, they put the rest...
(The Scorpion King is shown, surrounded by special effects)
NC (vo): ...of the budget towards– Hey!
NC: No peeking!
Narrator: Anubis forced the Scorpion King to serve him.
(Suddenly, an explosion of fire engulfs the Scorpion King, driving his flaming soul from his body, which shakes violently from the flames)
NC: (snickers) I would love to know what direction (A shot of the King's reaction to getting hit is shown: his eyes rolled up) was given on that take!
(The scene replays)
NC (vo; as director): All right, you're doing the hokey pokey as Tafia from Fiddler [on the Roof] having a stroke being electrocuted by eels.
NC: Tell me this director wouldn't put it that way!
(We then are introduced to our hero, Rick O'Connell, played by Brendan Fraser)
NC (vo; as Rick): Hi! Nobody told me we stopped shooting, so I just stayed on set for three years! (normal) Brendan Fraser returns as Rick O'Connell, and he's accompanied by...
(...his son Alex, played by Freddie Boath. Rick is startled to see Alex, who is also startled and falls to the ground)
NC (vo): Ah, yes.
(As we cut back to NC, he is surrounded by images of younger characters in media franchises: Buster in Blues Brothers 2000, Joaquin de la Vega in Legend of Zorro, Scrappy-Doo in the Scooby-Doo series, Alvey in Son of the Mask, and Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
NC: Adding a kid in a sequel is always the sign of great possibilities.
NC (vo): Okay, not every kid added in a series is bad, but unless you give them something unique to work with, it's usually not a good sign. And literally, the first few lines this kid says establishes no character; he just explains exposition.
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Stand · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Curse of the Commercials · Sucker Punch · The Muppet Christmas Carol · Batman Returns · Home Alone 4
||Shark Tale · The Mummy Returns · Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · Strange Magic · Terminator 2: Judgment Day · Terminator Salvation · Terminator: Dark Fate
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month