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The Mummy Returns
Release Date
January 27, 2021
Running Time
31:45
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then, to the tune of Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik", we cold-open on the words "Dwayne Johnson, 2001". Then we cut to The Rock (played by Orlando Belisle Jr.), who is talking to someone on his phone)

Johnson: Hi, producer whose name the audience will forget if we said it!

(We then cut to said producer (played by Malcolm) who is addressing Johnson via speaker phone)

Producer: Hey, Rock! You excited to be in your first movie?

Johnson: Hey, hey. It's Dwayne Johnson now. If I'm gonna be starring in movies, I should be using my real name, shouldn't I?

Producer: Well, there's been some changes.

Johnson: Changes?

Producer: Yes, you're no longer the star of the movie. The studio thinks that Brendan Fraser is gonna have longer lasting power than a guy called "The Rock".

Johnson: Oh, so I'm a supporting role.

Producer: Yeah, and if it goes well, they'll give you your own movie afterwards.

Johnson: Well, that's Hollywood, isn't it? I've come this far; I can wait a little longer.

Producer: Wonderful. We'll have the script for you soon.

(Johnson hangs up, but the phone suddenly rings again. Becoming nervous, Johnson answers)

Johnson: Yeah?

(It's the producer once again)

Producer: Hey, another change: you've gone from being supporting role to just being in the opening and ending.

Johnson: Really?

Producer: Yeah, they think Rachel Weisz and this new child actor are gonna be a lot bigger than you.

Johnson: All right, well, just keep me posted when you get the lines.

Producer: Will do.

(Johnson hangs up, only for the phone to ring once more. He becomes annoyed as he answers it)

Johnson: Hello?

(Yep, it's the producer again)

Producer: So you don't really have any lines, you just sort of frown after losing a battle. Can you do that? (Johnson frowns for real) Are you doing it?

Johnson: (angrily) Yes, I'm doing it!

Producer: Wonderful! This is gonna be your big breakout role.

(No sooner does Johnson hang up, however, than the producer calls him again, and Johnson is becoming more annoyed)

Producer: So you're being replaced with a CG puppet at the end.

Johnson: Why?!

Producer: You remember Marta from Arrested Development?

Johnson: (annoyed) No, it doesn't exist yet!

Producer: Well, she's in the movie, and they think she's gonna be a bigger star than you.

Johnson: (massaging his forehead) Sweet Jesus!

Producer: So if you could have those effects done by Friday, that would be great.

Johnson: Wait, you want me to do the effects for the movie?!

Producer: Yeah, they figured if your lazy ass wasn't gonna star in it, you might as well make yourself useful.

Johnson: I've never done CG animation in my life!

Producer: Come on, you have a $98 million budget behind you. How bad could it...

(We then cut to years later (courtesy of a convenient time card), as we are treated to a countdown video: "Sofia's Worst CG FX")

Sofia (Tamara): And now, number 2 (holds up two fingers while the number 2 appears in the corner) on the worst CG effects of all time: (A shot of Johnson as the Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns is shown in the corner) The Rock from The Mummy Returns!

Johnson (vo; crying out): I DID MY BEST!

(We then go to the NC title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. It's funny, when the 1999 version of...

(Cut to footage of...)

NC (vo): ...The Mummy came out, a lot of people were surprisingly saying they preferred this fun, expensive b-movie to the incredibly anticipated (The poster for the following is superimposed...) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

NC: So I guess it's fitting that their follow-up should be the equivalent of (The poster for the following is shown in the corner...) Rise of Skywalker.

(The title for The Mummy Returns is shown, followed by clips of the movie)

NC (vo): Now, let me clarify: something like Star Wars had a lot more to let down. It is goofy, too, but it had a lot of spiritual, philosophical and mythological elements. The Mummy films from day one knew they were mindless fluff, and most everybody was okay with that. But like Rise of Skywalker, it abandoned any sense of pacing and character and replaced it with constant action and exposition. So when you're supposed to feel for a character, it honestly comes across as more humorous. In fact, a lot of this movie is pretty dull when you're sitting through it because it gives you so little to care about. But when you actually look at the structure, how much it throws at you, and why characters do what they do, it's pretty hilarious. It's kind of like Krampus that way; sitting through it is a little dull, but remembering it is surprisingly more fun. It is growing on me for just how bad it is, but what's the point in yapping about how ridiculous it is when I can just show you?

NC: Let's go back to 2001 when (A shot of the following movie is shown in the corner...) Joe Dirt ruled the Earth. This is The Mummy Returns.

NC (vo): The film opens with the Scorpion King, played by Dwayne Johnson in his first movie...which may explain why he's still acting like he's in an SNL sketch?

(Raising his sword in the air, the Scorpion King yells in a native language before leading an army into battle)

NC (vo): But give him room to grow. ...leading an army to conquer the known world.

(The Scorpion King attacks and kills several enemy soldiers, not always in the most convincing away)

NC: (as Johnson) Egyptian fighting is fake, yo!

NC (vo): Clearly, they have this battle won!

(Later, the fighting ends as the last soldier dies, and the Scorpion King and his remaining men leave, the King giving a look of disappointment)

NC (vo): Or not.

Narrator: The Scorpion King and his army were defeated.

NC: That's...not the impression you were giving literally a second ago.

NC (vo): Even Rock had a look, like (as Johnson) "What, we couldn't even show that? How are they cutting corners on an amazing budget of..."

(A shot of this movie and the first's respective budgets is superimposed: The Mummy had a budge of $80 million, against The Mummy Return's budget of $98 million)

NC (vo): "...a little more than the last one?"

Narrator: One by one, they slowly perished under the scorching sun.

(One of the Scorpion King's soldiers falls over from exhaustion into a deep pit)

Barf (audio from Spaceballs): Oh, waiter...check, please.

Narrator: If Anubis would spare his [the Scorpion King's] life and let him conquer his enemies, he would give him his soul.

(Off to the side, the King spots a real scorpion emerging from the sand)

NC: You know, if every god granted that every time it was asked, a lot of people would have conquered the Earth.

NC (vo; narrator voice): The known world was then ruled by (Shots of several random people are superimposed...) Steve, Jacob, Jacob's little sister Molly, even Molly's cat offered his soul!

(A shot of some hieroglyphics are shown, with one of the Egyptian gods on it having the head of Chaplin)

Chaplin (vo): ("voiced" by Doug) I'm God!

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): Like I said...

NC: ...not a ton more money for these effects. Clearly, they put the rest...

(The Scorpion King is shown, surrounded by special effects)

NC (vo): ...of the budget towards– Hey!

NC: No peeking!

Narrator: Anubis forced the Scorpion King to serve him.

(Suddenly, an explosion of fire engulfs the Scorpion King, driving his flaming soul from his body, which shakes violently from the flames)

NC: (snickers) I would love to know what direction (A shot of the King's reaction to getting hit is shown: his eyes rolled up) was given on that take!

(The scene replays)

NC (vo; as director): All right, you're doing the hokey pokey as Tafia from Fiddler [on the Roof] having a stroke being electrocuted by eels.

NC: Tell me this director wouldn't put it that way!

(We then are introduced to our hero, Rick O'Connell, played by Brendan Fraser)

NC (vo; as Rick): Hi! Nobody told me we stopped shooting, so I just stayed on set for three years! (normal) Brendan Fraser returns as Rick O'Connell, and he's accompanied by...

(...his son Alex, played by Freddie Boath. Rick is startled to see Alex, who is also startled and falls to the ground)

NC (vo): Ah, yes.

(As we cut back to NC, he is surrounded by images of younger characters in media franchises: Buster in Blues Brothers 2000, Joaquin de la Vega in Legend of Zorro, Scrappy-Doo in the Scooby-Doo series, Oscar in Ghostbusters 2, and Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

NC: Adding a kid in a sequel is always the sign of great possibilities.

NC (vo): Okay, not every kid added in a series is bad, (image of John Connor (Edward Furlong) in Terminator 2: Judgment Day is superimposed) but unless you give them something unique to work with, it's usually not a good sign. And literally, the first few lines this kid says establishes no character; he just explains exposition.

Alex: (to Rick) But I saw your tattoo. On a wall by the entrance, there's a cartouche just like it.

NC (vo): It's not dialogue they're saying, it's verbal dotted lines on a treasure map! Just listen to Evelyn, played again by Rachel Weiss. "Vice"? "Wice"? You'll disagree in the comments either way. Just listen to what one of her first lines are.

Evelyn: Ever since I had that dream, this place is all I can think about.

Rick: Ever since you've had that dream...

NC: (softly, as Rick) Oh, sorry, you walked in ten minutes late. Let me explain what the dream is. (clears throat, then stops short) Wait, no, you didn't. (normal, frustrated) That's the first we're introduced to that!

NC (vo): But there's not even time to explain this, as other people break in and try to stop them.

(As thugs try to attack the family with guns, the cave starts to collapse)

Evelyn: (reading an inscription) "Drink from the Nile..." (looks up) Oh, that doesn't sound too bad.

(Suddenly, the walls give way as a torrent of water floods in)

NC: Remember when finding a lost city was...

NC (vo): ...kind of exciting? Remember when little hints were introduced before you saw the big stuff? Remember when meeting people actually meant getting to know them? Now you just start off in the mysterious city, the big stuff is given to you right away, and if you don't know what that character is like, we're not gonna tell you! It's like the film is punishing you for missing scenes that aren't in the movie!

(Rick and Evelyn run down a hall, only to stop short when they spot the torrent of water coming toward them. They stare briefly, then run off in another direction)

NC: (scoffs) Even a flood gets no reaction.

(Cut to the flood scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

NC (vo): Indiana Jones has seen the craziest shit, but he still reacts when a tsunami is coming at him.

Indy: (freaking out) Water! Water!

(Cut back to the flood in The Mummy Returns)

NC (vo): These two are like, "Well, if there's not a face on it, we don't care."

Alex: Mom, Dad, I can explain everything.

NC: (laughs and waves dismissively) That's so what Generic Boy Number 215 would say!

NC (vo): Anyway, it's not like we need more explaining, as we cut to other ruins (...which are in Hamunaptra, City of the Dead, according to a helpful subtitle) where two new characters introduce themselves in a way only their unique identities could provide– Just kidding, it's more exposition!

Lock-Nah (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje): The Book of the Dead gives life.

Meela Nais (Patricia Velasquez): And the Book of the Living takes life away.

NC: Does Stephen Sommers watch driving teachers, like...

(A shot of a driving lesson is shown, as the driving teacher addresses a student driving)

NC (vo; as Sommers): ..."Wow, look how they instructed to do things. Streetcar Named Desire has nothing on this depth!"

(In the movie, Red (played by Bruce Byron) and his goons appear at the dig site, Red pushing past everyone to confront Lock-Nah and Meela)

Red: Get out of my way or I'm gonna shoot you in the face.

NC (vo): It looks like the men who tried to kill Rick and Evelyn show up at the dig.

Baltus Hafez (Alun Armstrong): (to Red) We need that bracelet.

Lock-Nah: (drawing sword) We need it before it opens.

(In response to Lock-Nah drawing his sword on them, Red's goons aim guns at Lock-Nah. One of them, however, absentmindedly aims his gun at the back of Red's head and another gunman has to push his gun out of the way toward their target)

NC: (laughs, simpleton voice) That means he's dumb. It's more than I know about anyone else.

NC (vo): They dig up Imhotep, but they need a bracelet that Rick and Evelyn discovered in order for them to continue their quest.

(We then cut to Rick and Evelyn in their mansion in London, all packed up and ready to go on a quest of their own)

Evelyn: The lost oasis of Ahm Shere.

Rick: Evey, I know what you're thinking, and the answer's no.

NC (vo; as Rick): I'm not Indiana Jones, no matter how hard nobody wishes it. (normal) Okay, at least we can see them work some of the charm they had in the last movie– Have you not been watching?! More exposition, man!

Evelyn: The last known expedition to actually reach Ahm Shere was sent by Rameses IV...

(Cut to a clip of a stand-up concert film (I don't know who the stand-up comic is, though))

Stand-up comic: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Evelyn (vo): ...over 3,000 years ago.

(Cut back to The Mummy Returns, as Alex mistakenly locks the newly-discovered Bracelet of Anubis onto his arm. It forms a projection of Ahm Shere)

NC (vo): Hey, what's that kid supposed to be like? Who cares? THINGS, THINGS, THINGS!

(Upstairs, unbeknownst to what just happened, Rick and Evelyn continue their discussion)

Rick: You and Alex are the only thing that matter to me.

NC: (holds up index finger) Best parents of the year? (points to screen) Or best of all time? (nods)

(Then Evelyn's brother, Jonathan, walks out with his date)

NC (vo): Aw, great, the one character that I'd love to know less about is in this. Oh, what am I worried about? There's so many plot threads in this, they won't even allow him time to be annoying. (Baltus' cult invade and start grabbing them) Yep, called it.

Lock-Nah: (confronting Evelyn and Alex) Good evening.

Evelyn: What are you doing here?

NC (vo; as Lock-Nah): Skipping an episode of Lost for this shit.

Ardeth Bay (Oded Fehr): (coming in) I think not.

NC (vo): It looks like Ardeth joins the battle – once again, doing an awful job stopping things from getting worse. He was there when Imhotep was dug up; that would have been a good time to do something! And they fight them all off. Evelyn discovers, though, she suddenly has some new fighting moves.

(Alex watches his mother battle the bad guys with a sword and knocking them down while doing acrobatics to stay away from them)

Alex: Whoa, Mom! Where did you learn to do that?!

Evelyn: I have no idea!

NC: (as Evelyn; shrugs) Sure didn't help me in the last film! (shakes head)

(Suddenly, one of the bad guys punches Evelyn so hard that she is knocked out, and he drapes her body over his shoulder and carry her off)

NC: (as Evelyn) Or now.

Alex: Mom!

(The bad guys carry Evelyn out of the mansion and into a waiting car. They drive off as Rick and Ardeth spot them)

NC (vo; as Evelyn): Hang on, my only reason for existing is to be kidnapped!

(Evelyn tries to call out to Rick and Ardeth through the back window, but one of the kidnappers covers her mouth with a cloth, silencing her)

NC (vo; as Evelyn): You've got the wrong person!

(Rick, Ardeth and Jonathan discuss among themselves what's going on)

Rick: Bad guys are here, Evey's been kidnapped. Let me guess...

Ardeth: Yes, they once again removed the creature from his grave.

Jonathan: (to Ardeth) I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?

(The sound of applause is heard as NC joins in the applause while the words "FIRST LEGITIMATE THING SAID" are shown on the screen)

NC: He [Ardeth] explains how these people are raising Imhotep to take out the Scorpion King because whoever takes him out can rule the world.

Ardeth: (looking closely at Rick's arm) You have the sacred mark. That mark means you're a protector of man, a warrior for good, a Medjai.

NC: (as Rick, looking at his arm) Can we cut it from this movie and miss nothing? (as Ardeth) Yes. (as Rick, exasperated) Why is it in this?! (as Ardeth) Because... (throws up arms) Ooh! Big movie, ooh! (as Rick) Will there be more pointless shit like this? (as Ardeth) All of this is pointless shit.

(They arrive at a site where the bad guys, an Egyptian cult, is performing a ceremony to resurrect Imhotep)

Rick: (to Ardeth) You know, a couple of years ago, this would have seemed really strange to me.

NC (vo; as Ardeth): Agreed, we did a good job killing the wow in these films. (normal) Imhotep is resurrected and is immediately drawn to the reincarnation of his love, named Meela. Look, she even brought British food!

(Said "food" is a tied-up Evelyn, being brought before Imhotep as a sacrifice)

Eveyln: (to a cult member) I'll put you in your grave again!

(Imhotep points to Evelyn and says something in a foreign tongue)

Meela: Burn her!

NC (vo; as cult member): Yeah, we put that one together!

(The cult lifts Evelyn into the air and carries her toward an open fire, but Rick rushes in, leaping through the fire and grabs Evelyn)

Evelyn: Rick!

(Rick attacks the cult and Imhotep, shooting at them with a shotgun)

NC (vo; as Rick): Oh, God, we almost went a whole minute without any action! Sorry about that, audience. Hopefully, somebody explained some shit to you while we weren't fighting.

(Imhotep grabs an urn and opens it up. Mummy dust spews out of it, forming a line of mummies to attack)

NC (vo): Imhotep resurrects more mummies in the most goofy way imaginable...

(As we cut back to NC, a clip of the Looney Tunes short Hare-way To the Stars is shown in the corner, showing Marvin the Martian creating Instant Martians by pouring water on them)

NC: I think Marvin the Martian adding water had more dignity.

NC (vo): ...and they of course chase them down.

(As Rick's entourage flees on a London bus, the mummies chase after them)

Rick: (seeing the mummies) Oh, I hate mummies!

NC (vo; as Rick): I'm hoping to turn that (An image is superimposed of a shirt showing a tired Garfield with the phrase "I HATE MUMMIES" on it) into a Garfield shirt in the future. Copyright Rick O'Connell!

(The mummies board the bus, but Evelyn blasts one of them in the head. Meanwhile, another mummy grabs Rick, who tries to poke him in the eye sockets)

NC (vo): He tries using Three Stooges moves on them, because nothing matters, and they eventually fight them off.

Rick: (to Ardeth) You all right?

Ardeth: (gasping for breath) This was...my first bus ride.

NC: (screams in surprise) PERSONALITY!

(Rick and Evelyn have a moment to themselves to embrace, while Alex looks on several feet away)

NC (vo): Rick and Evelyn once again completely ignore their son...I mean, the shot is just awkward...allowing him to be kidnapped.

(Rick climbs up onto the bus roof to spot Lock-Nah making off with Alex. The kidnappers' car speeds off across the Tower Bridge, swerving left and right to get past any and all cars in its way)

Rick: Alex...!

NC: (as Rick) I think pretty sure it begins with an A! (nods)

(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes as Meela talks to Imhotep on a London balcony as storm clouds gather in the sky, illuminating the sky with lightning)

NC (vo): So Meela explains to Imhotep about how he was brought back to destroy the Scorpion King and that in order to defeat him, he'll need a special scepter.

Imhotep: (speaking in ancient language, which is translated via subtitles) By the time we reach Ahm Shere, my powers will have regenerated. And I will have no need for the Scepter.

NC: So, we're at the 50-minute mark, and just to give you an idea, in the first film, at the 50-minute mark, we were given...

(A montage of clips of the first movie is shown as NC describes what happened)

NC (vo): ...the backstory, introduced to our characters, told about a lost city of riches, and they traveled to it.

NC: Here, we're given...

(Another montage is shown, this one of the second movie)

NC (vo): ...the backstory, introduced-ish to our characters, are told about a lost city, told about a past life, told about a marked hand, fight off scavengers, fight off a cult, discover a map, watch Evelyn get kidnapped, resurrect Imhotep, resurrect his guards, fight off the guards, rescue Evelyn, resulting in the son being kidnapped, and we're not even halfway through the movie. Yes, less happened in the first one, but they allowed the characters to react to what was happening. Despite being the barebone minimum in terms of development, they still met that barebone minimum.

NC: This is just that old...

(Cut to a shot of an old board game...)

NC (vo): ..."Fireball Island" game; it looks cool, but it's just rules being explained and board pieces being moved around to get to a goal.

NC: Granted, (The poster for Battleship is shown in the corner) a ton of great cinema has come from board games, but...

(Cut to the cover of the movie version of Clue)

NC (vo): ...unless you're Clue...

NC: ...that's not something you want to mimic.

(In the movie, on a train car, Lock-Nah brings Alex before Baltus, Meela and a masked Imhotep (to hide his decayed appearance))

NC (vo): Oh, you want even more pointless bullshit? How about this? The bracelet with the map is stuck to the boy, and unless he gets to the location in a few days, it'll kill him. Again, you could totally cut this and not miss a damn thing, but for some reason, it's in the film.

Alex: (to Imhotep) My dad is going to kick your ass!

NC: That line got a big laugh in the theater. I hated my audience. I'm pretty sure they hated me.

NC (vo): Imhotep glides in on puppet strings to suck the life out of the scavengers...I will admit, this part's pretty badass...and we cut to Rick and Evelyn trying to get a ride from an old friend.

(Said old friend, Izzy Buttons (Shaun Parkes) runs from Rick, locking his door behind him, but Rick shoots the lock off)

Evelyn: Honey, you're not a subtle man.

Rick: We don't have time for subtle.

NC: Sommers was thinking of legally changing that to his new name.

(As he says this, the credit in the film for Sommers (as writer and director) is shown, with "Stephen" replaced with "We-Don't-Have-Time-For-Subtle")

NC (vo): He eventually agrees, and they travel via balloon, which they say is a terrible idea because it's not made for battle. The pilot disagrees, though, and eventually discovers it's not made for battle.

Evelyn: (about Alex) I want him back, Rick. I want him in my arms.

Rick: I know.

(As we cut back to NC, an earlier scene of Rick and Evelyn kissing while ignoring Alex, leading to his kidnapping, is shown in the corner)

NC: (as Rick) I'm remembering all the times we pretended that he didn't exist as well.

NC (vo): Oh, and for whatever reason, I'm not entirely sure why, Rachel Weisz is awful in the rest of this. I don't know if the fatigue of just saying shit they have to do finally got to her, but from this point on, she completely gives up.

(A montage of clips is shown to prove NC's point)

Evelyn: (about Alex) I want him back, Rick. / Alex left us his tie. / No, no, they're memories from my previous life. / Made me proud. / It's the Temple Island of Philae. They've gone to Philae. / Exactly, I was its protector.

(A clip of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones appears, showing Padmé Amidala)

Padmé: I haven't worked for a year to defeat the Military Creation Act, to not be here when its fate is decided.

(Cut back to The Mummy Returns)

NC: I guess, to her credit, they wrote her better than...what do kids say in kids things? Have the kid say that.

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

Alex: Are we there yet?

Lock-Nah: No.

NC: I heard a child say those words and everything ever written. He has an identity now!

(Lock-Nah stands in the entrance to the lavatory, watching Alex relieve himself)

Alex: [I] can't go when someone's watching.

(Lock-Nah turns his back to Alex to give him a little more privacy)

Alex: I don't trust you, you'll look. (Lock-Nah turns to him sharply)

NC: Good to know the ghost of (The poster for the following is shown in the corner...) Playing with Fire was haunting screenplays before it even existed.

NC (vo): The kid escapes, just to be recaptured exactly (The words "40 SECONDS" pop up) forty seconds later!

NC: Do higher budgets mean less editors?

NC (vo): And I guess we're finally shown what's going on with Evelyn's dreams.

(Said dreams show Evelyn as the reincarnation of an Egyptian princess, Nefertiri)

NC (vo): Okay, so this is where we get that Lucas-Rowling stuff where a series tries to act like an out-of-nowhere plot thread that makes no sense was always planned from the beginning. We see Evelyn, who looks as Egyptian as (A shot of Geoffrey Rush as Ra from Gods of Egypt is shown in the corner) Geoffrey Rush, is actually the reincarnation of the Pharaoh's daughter, the sister of Imhotep's lover. I know you're thinking we'll see some interesting development between them, but have you watched a frame of this? It's just more fighting.

(We are shown a flashback to Ancient Egypt, where Nefertiri does battle with Meela as the reincarnation of Imhotep's love, Anck-su-namun, who throws forks at some Egyptian statues, impaling them in their groins)

NC: (confused) Take that, patriarchy...?

(A clip of the first film is shown)

NC (vo): But here's what I love about this. In the first film, Imhotep sees Evelyn as his long-lost love, despite looking nothing like her. Now, you could say he hadn't seen a woman in years, so he got confused, or even he just picked the first hot woman he saw and said, "Close enough, I'm gonna reincarnate her anyway."

(Cut back to the second film)

NC (vo): But now, with this film, after he reincarnates his love to her physical form, giving herself the Heimlich, how do you tell her, "Oh, by the way, I totally had the hots for your sister when you were dead! Yeah, I looked her up and down; I was totally obsessed! I was even going to bring you back in her!"? How would you like that, being reincarnated in the person responsible for your death?! That would have been fun looking in the mirror every day!

NC: Speaking of which, what was Meela's plan?

NC (vo; as Meela): Yes, I'll help Imhotep take over the world and have my soul completely erased from my body! I'm sorry, what's in this for me again? (normal) The only thing I believe in this movie is that you're sisters because you're both dumb as rocks!

(We then cut back to Rick and Evelyn on the blimp, as Evelyn abruptly screams and runs toward the edge of the basket)

Rick: Evey!

(Evelyn tries to jump out of the basket and fall, but Rick climbs over the side and, clinging by a rope to the basket with one hand, grabs Evelyn with his other hand, stopping her from falling)

NC (vo; as Rick): Jesus, Evelyn! Can't you even stand without me having to save you?! (normal) As the journey continues, the boy, I guess, leaves clues to let them know where they're going next – that I don't think a professional butter sculptor could carve better! Imhotep catches on to the clues being left behind, and let's see, what'd I do, a sand face in the last one? Okay, let's water it down.

(To stop Alex's parents from going any further and rescuing their son, Imhotep summons a tidal wave of water with a roaring face in it out of the river. The wave catches up with the blimp)

NC: (astonished) How are these effects getting worse in these movies?!

NC (vo): This looks like an extreme '90s ad for mouthwash!

(As the tidal wave chases the blimp, a bottle of Listerine mouthwash is added (along with the Listerine logo), and the music for this scene is replaced by commercial music)

Commercial Announcer (Malcolm): Tired of plaque buildup in those hard-to-reach places? Listerine can wash it all away!

NC (vo): Our heroes run out of gas, and the wave completely crushes them. Well, it'll be interesting to see how they get out of this.

(As the blimp crashes, it smokes and sparks. The group looks it over)

Rick: (to Izzy) I'm gonna go get my son, then we're gonna want to get out of here fast, so make this work, Izzy.

NC: Eh, you're right. It would have been boring. Everything else you've shown in this is. Moving on.

NC (vo): Evelyn is taught how to use a gun, and the crew come across mummy Gremlins. Imhotep seems to be in control of them, yet they still wipe out all his men. You figure that one out.

NC: (shrugs) But I will admit, these things can be a little funny.

NC (vo): I like how they run on top of drowning people. I like how a man screaming frightens them, even though it doesn't make any sense; they've seen a ton of people scream. And this moment with a stick of dynamite is, hands-down, the funniest in the movie.

(Rick sees a fallen tree, which is running across a chasm like a bridge, allowing the mummies to run across. He lights the stick of dynamite in question and throws it in the mummies' path on the tree bridge. One mummy grabs the lit dynamite and another tries to pull it away. They get into a fight over it, resulting in the first mummy kicking the second off the tree. Holding the dynamite, the mummy then leads the charge across the tree, but it suddenly explodes, killing the mummy and all the rest in the explosion's path, which also causes the tree to fall into the chasm as well. They fall into the chasm below. NC is seen laughing)

NC (vo): I don't even care if they throw in this Strangelove homage that doesn't make a whole lot of sense; I'm still riding the high of this scene!

NC: (snickers) Play it one more time.

(The explosion from the dynamite that kills the mummies is shown again)

NC: That's the real treasure of the movie.

(Rick and Evelyn finally rescue Alex, who still has the bracelet on his arm)

NC (vo): I missed you so much– Shut the hell up, more exposition!

Alex: ...told me the bracelet will kill me if I don't get inside the pyramid before the sun hits it!

Evelyn: (with a look of indifference) Oh, my God!

NC: (snickers) Even she's like...

NC (vo; as Evelyn): ..."Does this movie need Ritalin? What five-year-old on espresso ice cream wrote this?!"

(Rick drags Alex along behind him)

Alex: Dad! The bracelet!

Rick: Right, come on! (He picks up his son and carries him in his arms)

NC: Was that slowing you down? Why is every child and woman in this completely useless?!

(Rick carries Alex into the pyramid just as the rising sun shines over the entrance)

NC (vo): They make it to the temple in time...again, have no idea why that was written in...

(Suddenly, however, Meela (now imparted with the soul of Anck-su-namun) walks to Evelyn and stabs her in the stomach with a dagger on her person, causing Evelyn to fatally fall over, though not before Evelyn just stands there for several seconds, staring blankly)

NC (vo): ...but the bad guys catch up and kill Evelyn. Or...gauging her reaction, just called her fat.

(Rick, Alex (who has had the bracelet detached after entering the pyramid) and Jonathan tend to the fatally-wounded Evelyn, Rick trying not to cry)

Alex: She's going to be all right?

Rick: (to Jonathan about Alex) T-Take him, take him.

(Jonathan pulls Alex aside)

NC (vo; as Rick): Don't worry, we'll recast her. (as Alex) I'm pretty sure she lives in this one. (as Rick) We'll still recast her.

NC: So, I'm not gonna lie: the mix of...

NC (vo): ...his overacting...

NC: ...her...

NC (vo): ...underacting...

NC: ...and the...

NC (vo): ...melodramatic music, despite all the advertising clearly showing she has more scenes, makes this dramatic moment unintentionally hilarious!

Rick: Oh, my... (coughs) God!

Evelyn: (whispering, blinking eyes) Take care of Alex.

NC (vo; as Rick): Who's Alex? Oh, right, that thing we never look after.

Evelyn: (whispers) I love you. (blinks eyes)

NC: (as Evelyn, also blinking eyes) Blinking a lot means death, right?

(Evelyn breathes her last as Rick cries uncontrollably)

Rick: (crying) Evey? Evey! Come back! Come back.

(NC snickers and covers his face, while Rick makes a noise that sounds like he's either crying or laughing)

Rick: Come back, Evey!

(The film pauses briefly as the sentence "DID HE JUST LAUGH?" pops up in yellow)

Rick: Come back, Evey!

NC: (amused) I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't know if this was like someone's Mufasa death or something like that; I apologize. It's just...this is really funny to me! (shakes head)

NC (vo): I don't even get it! She goes back and forth, saying, (as Evelyn) "Oh, I have special badass powers from ancient royalty," (normal) yet half the time, she's taken out like a house of cards made of tracing paper! It doesn't add up!

Voice: Critic...

(NC looks up to see who said that. It's Tamara)

Tamara: ...you simply don't understand reincarnation.

NC: Oh, and you do, Tamara?

Tamara: Yes, I–

(Suddenly, she is interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. In response, she picks up a morning star)

Tamara: Excuse me, I have to go take care of something.

(She gets up and leaves. The sounds of metal clanking, slashing, and people yelling and screaming are heard as NC tries to listen. Then Tamara returns)

Tamara: Sorry about that. Someone tried to break in.

NC: But what's with the...

Tamara: Oh, I'm the reincarnation of Lagertha.

NC: The...Viking warrior?

Tamara: Yeah! So I know about combat training and sword fights, (holds up her hands, which have been tied together by strings) and History Channel's hit me up a few times.

NC: Wait, what's up with your hands?

Tamara: Oh, he woke back up and overpowered me.

NC: What about the combat training and the...

Tamara: Well, that's not my arc, Critic. My next-door neighbor is on an emotional journey and needs to prove himself by saving me!

(Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass is heard)

Offscreen voice (presumably Tamara's neighbor (voiced by Doug)): (to the kidnapper) Unhand her, you swine!

(The neighbor and the kidnapper do battle, the neighbor grunting and shouting as he does, and Tamara gestures toward them for NC's benefit)

NC: Oh. Well, when do you prove yourself?

Tamara: Preferably when it's hot.

(Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass is heard again as another woman (played by Heather) with purple hair and black makeup, wearing black, and wielding a katana enters)

Tamara: Oh-ho, a lady assassin, clearly with an exotic backstory! (holds up morning star, even though her hands are tied) That should do.

NC: Need any help or...?

Tamara: No, Critic, when it's hot, we're suddenly invincible.

(Tamara gets up and walks offscreen, as the sounds of metal slashing and clanking is heard as the two women fight)

NC: Women's stunt work is more complex than I thought.

(Cut back to The Mummy Returns)

NC (vo): Imhotep enters the temple and...

(As Imhotep and Anck-su-namun enter the pyramid, they step on a symbol on the floor, with two statues of Anubis off to the sides. The symbol on the floor suddenly glows as Imhotep steps on it, and the two Anubis statues spew out black smoke out at him. Anck-su-namun recoils and screams as the smoke engulfs Imhotep and spins wildly around him)

NC (vo): Okay...

NC: (very much amused) ...this is meant to be awful, right? (shakes head)

NC (vo): Not just corny or over the top. I mean, this is "Battlefield Pyramid", right?

(When the smoke clears, Imhotep is stunned)

Imhotep: (speaking in ancient language) The great god Anubis... has taken my powers.

NC (vo): It looks like his powers are taken away, while Rick begins comforting his son who just lost his mother...by abandoning him again. The real treasure is the people we leave behind along the way.

(Baltus places the bracelet in a scorpion statue and the room turns blue briefly, startling Rick as he enters)

NC: (shakes head) Did they say no to any effects in this?

(Outside the pyramid, a reincarnated army of jackal-headed soldiers led by Anubis appears, while Ardeth and an army of Medjai stand before them)

NC (vo): Apparently not, as an army of jackals rise, and the army of Ehhh-We-Kinda-Want-To-Stop-The-Apocalypse are there to face them. (as Ardeth) A day may come when we fight an enemy that actually looks like they're in front of us, but it is not this day. This day, we're in a Mummies Alive! cartoon!

(With that, the two armies charge at one another to fight. We then cut back to the pyramid where Rick and Imhotep do battle)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rick faces off with Imhotep... who kicked him back on his feet; that was pretty stupid. But again, to the film's credit, it is kind of cool seeing these two duke it out.

(Cut to footage of the first movie)

NC (vo): I mean, in the last one, it was all about Rick fighting the powers of the mummy.

(Cut back to the second movie)

NC (vo): Here, it's one-on-one combat, and it is a little badass.

(Meanwhile, Alex manages to steal the Book of the Dead away from Anck-su-namun and uses it to bring his mother back from the dead. Evelyn wastes no time confronting Anck-su-namun, spoiling to settle the score with her)

NC (vo): While that's going on, Evelyn is brought back by...believing in fairies, like it even matters, and she of course faces off against Meela.

Alex: (seeing his mother confronting Anck-su-namun) But Mom!

Evelyn: No buts, Alex.

Rick: (taking Alex and pulling him away) Come on, Alex!

(Evelyn pulls some pronged lances off of a statue and holds them up at Anck-su-namun)

Evelyn: I'll be just fine.

NC: Lady, you have done...

(Past footage of the movie is shown of Evelyn in some sort of danger, contradicting her statement)

NC (vo): ...everything possible to prove you will never be fine. I trust (An image of the following is superimposed...) Princess Peach with a sign reading (An image of a sign is added onto Peach, reading...) "DRAGONS DO IT FOR ME!" over you!

(Suddenly, the fight is interrupted as a pair of doors open...)

NC (vo): Eventually, the Scorpion King is revealed and...we see it.

(As we cut back to NC, it has turned black-and-white, with scratchy lines and sounds, like an old-timey newsreel)

NC: (as Franklin Delano Roosevelt) An effect which will live...in infamy.

NC (vo): I think everyone has talked about how terrible these effects are, and what else can I add but...good God, they still look awful. Just to give you an idea how bad this was, (The poster for Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is superimposed) Lord of the Rings was released the same year. So if you're asking me were these good effects at the time, no, they are as embarrassing then as they are now. It just doesn't make sense why they wouldn't put the real Rock in there. Like, you could CG the scorpion half. It'd look like shit, but we're used to that in this movie. We wanted to see The Rock in his first film, and instead, we get (A shot of Dwayne Johnson in a wrestling video game is shown in the corner) the video game version of himself! The only difference: he actually does his own voice in the video game!

(The Scorpion King confronts Imhotep)

Scorpion King: (speaking in ancient language, deep voice) We shall see.

NC: That sounded like Patty and Selma (holds up two fingers) if they talked in unison!

(As we cut back to the Scorpion King and Imhotep, a shot of Patty and Selma Bouvier from The Simpsons as they supposedly speak in unison is shown in the corner, but with the Scorpion King again saying, "We shall see," as though they're the ones speaking and not The Rock)

NC (vo): Like a lot of this movie, it's so bad, it's hugely funny.

(Snapping his pincers, the Scorpion King advances menacingly on Rick, grabbing any and all tall pointed objects he can for a weapon to fight)

NC (vo; as Scorpion King): Can you smell what the effects artists are shitting?! (normal) Rick realizes something something chosen one. Again, you don't miss a thing if I don't tell you. And he uses the Golden Scepter to finally kill him, leading to another not-meant-to-be-funny-but-so-goddamn-funny reaction.

(As the Scorpion King traps Rick by the edge of a pit full of scorpions, Rick grabs the scepter, which turns out to be a weapon, a spear, and impales the Scorpion King with it. Seeing the Scorpion King being killed by the scepter, Imhotep runs up and gets down on one knee while melodramatically throwing his arms out and crying out in despair. As the same time, one of the fires in the room flares briefly)

NC: (covering his face while laughing) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know there's people that, like, legit like this film, and if you do, that's fine, but...how can you not cry-laugh at some of these moments?

(The scene of Imhotep crying out over the killing of the Scorpion King is replayed)

NC (vo): It's like a super flamboyant dancer introducing a song number. (as Imhotep, singing) The Scorpion King! You look like ass, but I'd do ya!

Rick: (to the King) Go to Hell! And take your friends with you!

(With that, Rick pulls the scepter out of the Scorpion King's body. The King dies, sending him and the army back into the Underworld from whence they came)

NC (vo): I do like that the finishing one-liner has more of a purpose than just being a finishing one-liner, as the Scorpion King has to do whatever he's told after he's defeated. So he drags all his armies back to Hell.

(As this happens, outside, Ardeth and the Medjai watch as black smoke emerges from the pyramid and the Scorpion King's roaring face appears in it briefly)

NC: Good God, how many CG faces can you put on things? (looks offscreen) Hey, Sommers, what's your idea for Mummy 5? (as Sommers) Uh... (A shot of a lamp from an episode of Family Guy is shown in the corner) A lamp! (A face, looking like the one by the man holding it is added onto the lampshade) With a face! (shakes hands and wiggles fingers) Oooh!

(Suddenly, the pyramid starts to collapse, and Rick falls over the edge of the cliff the Scorpion King fell over and clings there for dear life. Evelyn stares)

Rick: Go! Get out of here! Just get out of here!

(Instead, however, Evelyn runs over to pull her husband back up over the cliff)

NC (vo): Well, you have saved her more times than the Fuller House cast has teeth. I think she owes you at least one.

(Imhotep, too, is clinging to the edge, calling out to Anck-su-namun)

Imhotep: (speaking in ancient language) HELP ME!

Anck-su-namun: No!

(Anck-su-namun runs off, leaving Imhotep devastated. Rick, taking Evelyn by the arms and holding her close to him, glowers at Imhotep, who stares in disbelief)

NC: (as Imhotep) I see now, the true monster was lack of commitment! Speaking of which...

(As we cut back to the movie, Imhotep lets go of the edge and falls to his doom into the pit, which is full of scorpions that consume him)

NC (vo; as Imhotep): ...most of us won't be back for the third oooooone...!

(Anck-su-namun, too, falls into a pit of scorpions that devour her alive)

NC (vo): We wrap on (laughs) even more amazing effects...

(As the family and Jonathan make for the entrance to the pyramid, they look back briefly to spot the swarm consuming the army of mummies in a ridiculous manner)

NC (vo): I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the dignity (A shot of the UFO from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (appearing from the pyramid there) is shown) of Indiana Jones looking at a UFO.

(As the swarm chases the family to the top of the pyramid, trapping them there. But then Ardeth shows up in his repaired blimp to rescue them in the nick of time)

NC (vo): ...and they make it out okay.

Rick: (to Evelyn) I thought I almost lost you there.

Evelyn: Would you like to know what Heaven looks like?

NC (vo; as Evelyn): You weren't in it. (normal) The family is reunited, which once again means keeping the son away as far as friggin' possible, and they all live half-a-keyed ever after.

(And so, the film ends as the blimp flies off into the sunset)

NC: And that was The Mummy Returns. I know it has its fans, and... (hesitates, then speaks in a more confused) if I'm in the right mood, I kinda can be...?

(Footage of the film is shown one last time as NC gives his final thoughts)

NC (vo): I mean, look, it's awful. No...

(We abruptly cut back to NC as he makes a "come here" motion)

NC: ...put the camera back on me. It's awful.

NC (vo): But sometimes, it's so bad, it can be enjoyable. If it had more character, or...Christ, any character, I would probably get more into it despite it being so idiotic. But because it is nothing but action and exposition every single second, it does get tiring. I think that shows with the reception. I mean, it did technically make more money than the first one, but not a ton more. People did seem to like it, but not as much as the first, and some of these scenes are talked about for how bad they are, even to this day. Had I seen this as a kid, maybe I would enjoy it more. I mean, it does have a lot more monsters and energy, which a lot of kids do like. But without even the bare minimum of character, it's just a stunt show, where half the stunts are bad CGI. But what do you think? Am I being too much of a sourpuss and not having fun with a mindless movie, or is there too little mind for even a mindless movie to give leeway? Let me know in the comments if you think this film is a corny classic, or the first render of a bad video game.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves)

Channel Awesome tagline:Rick: Come back! Come back.

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