The Mummy Returns

TheMummyReturnsNC-original.jpg

TheMummyReturnsNC-alternate.jpg

Release Date
January 27, 2021
Running Time
31:45
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then, to the tune of Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik", we cold-open on the words "Dwayne Johnson, 2001". Then we cut to The Rock (played by Orlando Belisle Jr.), who is talking to someone on his phone)

Johnson: Hi, producer whose name the audience will forget if we said it!

(We then cut to said producer (played by Malcolm) who is addressing Johnson via speaker phone)

Producer: Hey, Rock! You excited to be in your first movie?

Johnson: Hey, hey. It's Dwayne Johnson now. If I'm gonna be starring in movies, I should be using my real name, shouldn't I?

Producer: Well, there's been some changes.

Johnson: Changes?

Producer: Yes, you're no longer the star of the movie. The studio thinks that Brendan Fraser is gonna have longer lasting power than a guy called "The Rock".

Johnson: Oh, so I'm a supporting role.

Producer: Yeah, and if it goes well, they'll give you your own movie afterwards.

Johnson: Well, that's Hollywood, isn't it? I've come this far; I can wait a little longer.

Producer: Wonderful. We'll have the script for you soon.

(Johnson hangs up, but the phone suddenly rings again. Becoming nervous, Johnson answers)

Johnson: Yeah?

(It's the producer once again)

Producer: Hey, another change: you've gone from being supporting role to just being in the opening and ending.

Johnson: Really?

Producer: Yeah, they think Rachel Weisz and this new child actor are gonna be a lot bigger than you.

Johnson: All right, well, just keep me posted when you get the lines.

Producer: Will do.

(Johnson hangs up, only for the phone to ring once more. He becomes annoyed as he answers it)

Johnson: Hello?

(Yep, it's the producer again)

Producer: So you don't really have any lines, you just sort of frown after losing a battle. Can you do that? (Johnson frowns for real) Are you doing it?

Johnson: (angrily) Yes, I'm doing it!

Producer: Wonderful! This is gonna be your big breakout role.

(No sooner does Johnson hang up, however, than the producer calls him again, and Johnson is becoming more annoyed)

Producer: So you're being replaced with a CG puppet at the end.

Johnson: Why?!

Producer: You remember Marta from Arrested Development?

Johnson: (annoyed) No, it doesn't exist yet!

Producer: Well, she's in the movie, and they think she's gonna be a bigger star than you.

Johnson: (massaging his forehead) Sweet Jesus!

Producer: So if you could have those effects done by Friday, that would be great.

Johnson: Wait, you want me to do the effects for the movie?!

Producer: Yeah, they figured if your lazy ass wasn't gonna star in it, you might as well make yourself useful.

Johnson: I've never done CG animation in my life!

Producer: Come on, you have a $98 million budget behind you. How bad could it...

(We then cut to years later (courtesy of a convenient time card), as we are treated to a countdown video: "Sofia's Worst CG FX")

Sofia (Tamara): And now, number 2 (holds up two fingers while the number 2 appears in the corner) on the worst CG effects of all time: (A shot of Johnson as the Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns is shown in the corner) The Rock from The Mummy Returns!

Johnson (vo; crying out): I DID MY BEST!

(We then go to the NC title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. It's funny, when the 1999 version of...

(Cut to footage of...)

NC (vo): ...The Mummy came out, a lot of people were surprisingly saying they preferred this fun, expensive b-movie to the incredibly anticipated (The poster for the following is superimposed...) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

NC: So I guess it's fitting that their follow-up should be the equivalent of (The poster for the following is shown in the corner...) Rise of Skywalker.

(The title for The Mummy Returns is shown, followed by clips of the movie)

NC (vo): Now, let me clarify: something like Star Wars had a lot more to let down. It is goofy, too, but it had a lot of spiritual, philosophical and mythological elements. The Mummy films from day one knew they were mindless fluff, and most everybody was okay with that. But like Rise of Skywalker, it abandoned any sense of pacing and character and replaced it with constant action and exposition. So when you're supposed to feel for a character, it honestly comes across as more humorous. In fact, a lot of this movie is pretty dull when you're sitting through it because it gives you so little to care about. But when you actually look at the structure, how much it throws at you, and why characters do what they do, it's pretty hilarious. It's kind of like Krampus that way; sitting through it is pretty dull, but remembering it is surprisingly more fun. It is growing on me for just how bad it is, but what's the point in yapping about how ridiculous it is when I can just show you?

NC: Let's go back to 2001 when (A shot of the following movie is shown in the corner...) Joe Dirt ruled the Earth. This is The Mummy Returns.

NC (vo): The film opens with the Scorpion King, played by Dwayne Johnson in his first movie...which may explain why he's still acting like he's in an SNL sketch?

(Raising his sword in the air, the Scorpion King yells in a native language before leading an army into battle)

NC (vo): But give him room to grow. ...leading an army to conquer the known world.

(The Scorpion King attacks and kills several enemy soldiers, not always in the most convincing away)

NC: (as Johnson) Egyptian fighting is fake, yo!

NC (vo): Clearly, they have this battle won!

(Later, the fighting ends as the last soldier dies, and the Scorpion King and his remaining men leave, the King giving a look of disappointment)

NC (vo): Or not.

Narrator: The Scorpion King and his army were defeated.

NC: That's...not the impression you were giving literally a second ago.

NC (vo): Even Rock had a look, like (as Johnson) "What, we couldn't even show that? How are they cutting corners on an amazing budget of..."

(A shot of this movie and the first's respective budgets is superimposed: The Mummy had a budge of $80 million, against The Mummy Return's budget of $98 million)

NC (vo): "...a little more than the last one?"

Narrator: One by one, they slowly perished under the scorching sun.

(One of the Scorpion King's soldiers falls over from exhaustion into a deep pit)

Barf (audio from Spaceballs): Oh, waiter...check, please.

Narrator: If Anubis would spare his [the Scorpion King's] life and conquer his enemies, he would give him his soul.

(Off to the side, the King spots a real scorpion emerging from the sand)

NC: You know, if every god granted that every time it was asked, a lot of people would have conquered the Earth.

NC (vo; narrator voice): The known world was then ruled by (Shots of several random people are superimposed...) Steve, Jacob, Jacob's little sister Molly, even Molly's cat offered his soul!

(A shot of some hieroglyphics are shown, with one of the Egyptian gods on it having the head of Chaplin)

Chaplin (vo): ("voiced" by Doug) I'm God!

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): Like I said...

NC: ...not a ton more money for these effects. Clearly, they put the rest...

(The Scorpion King is shown, surrounded by special effects)

NC (vo): ...of the budget towards– Hey!

NC: No peeking!

Narrator: Anubis forced the Scorpion King to serve him.

(Suddenly, an explosion of fire engulfs the Scorpion King, driving his flaming soul from his body, which shakes violently from the flames)

NC: (snickers) I would love to know what direction (A shot of the King's reaction to getting hit is shown: his eyes rolled up) was given on that take!

(The scene replays)

NC (vo; as director): All right, you're doing the hokey pokey as Tafia from Fiddler [on the Roof] having a stroke being electrocuted by eels.

NC: Tell me this director wouldn't put it that way!

(We then are introduced to our hero, Rick O'Connell, played by Brendan Fraser)

NC (vo; as Rick): Hi! Nobody told me we stopped shooting, so I just stayed on set for three years! (normal) Brendan Fraser returns as Rick O'Connell, and he's accompanied by...

(...his son Alex, played by Freddie Boath. Rick is startled to see Alex, who is also startled and falls to the ground)

NC (vo): Ah, yes.

(As we cut back to NC, he is surrounded by images of younger characters in media franchises: Buster in Blues Brothers 2000, Joaquin de la Vega in Legend of Zorro, Scrappy-Doo in the Scooby-Doo series, Alvey in Son of the Mask, and Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

NC: Adding a kid in a sequel is always the sign of great possibilities.

NC (vo): Okay, not every kid added in a series is bad, but unless you give them something unique to work with, it's usually not a good sign. And literally, the first few lines this kid says establishes no character; he just explains exposition.

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