The Mummy (2017)


October 31, 2017
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(The 2017 Nostalgia-Ween opening is shown; but this time it says "Nostalgia-Ween meets Cinemassacre's Monster Madness", with Vincent Price's evil laugh from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video added. The graves in the Joke Cemetery are as follows: "Subtle Johnny Depp", "Last Airbender 2", "Bill", and "Just kidding, you can't kill Bill"; the Simpsons couch gag in the Channel Awesome studios shows Rob, NC, Tamara and Malcolm sitting on the couch, and then they turn into Super Mecha Death Christ; open on a listless-looking NC sitting there, with his head resting on his hand)

NC: (monotone) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And do I really have to?

(Cut to The Nerd via transmission)

Nerd: We have to.

NC: (resigned sigh) This is The Mummy with Tom Cruise.

(The title for the movie is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): This was supposed to be the big start to, what else, a cinematic universe, one Universal wanted to create with classic monster movies. Because everything has to be a goddamn universe now!

NC: Christ, I'm surprised the Teletubbies don't have a cinematic universe!

Nerd: (pointing at NC) Don't give them ideas!

NC: (covering his mouth in shock) Oh, shit! (in the corner, a shot of "Teletubbies vs. Care Bears" appears, and the NC notices) Dammit!

Nerd (vo): The film bombed, throwing their future dark universe films into question. I really wanted to talk about this movie, because, in some respects, this comes full circle.

NC: (confused) What?

Nerd: (moving his finger around in a squiggly circle) Okay, it's a very shittily-drawn circle, but it's still a circle. (shrugs)

NC: Did you just make up the word "shittily"?

​Nerd:​ My point is...

Nerd (vo): ...Universal invented the shared universe concept in the 40s. (​Posters of Frankenstein meets The Wolfman, House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, and Abbott and Costello Meet the Monsters pop up on screen​) Crossovers, versus, team-ups, all these were originally done with the classic Universal monsters. Marvel and everybody else is technically copying what they started. Somewhere down the line, that fad faded, but as films like (posters of...) Freddy vs. Jason, ​(Captain America) Civil War, and Batman vs. Superman​ became so popular, suddenly Universal wanted to jump back onboard. So now, ironically, Universal is copying what Marvel and all these other films did, forgetting that Universal was the one that came up with this idea to begin with.

NC:​ And that's all this movie is: a copy.

NC (vo): A copy of every overused cliche in current cinematic universes, trying to set up the next five movies rather than focusing on making one good one.

Nerd:​ I actually wanted to see this movie succeed, because I want the Universal monsters to continue in some way.

Nerd (vo):​ They're not as popular nowadays as they should be, so it's important to bring them back in the public minds. It's like Batman or James Bond: (The collages of all the actors who played the mentioned characters are shown) we all have our favorite actors who played the roles, (Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger as the Jokers are followed) but we still accept different versions, and the best ones can create new timeless interpretations.

NC:​ Does this film do that?

Nerd:​ I think you know the answer.

NC:​ I know the answer. Let's dive into the Dark Universe's Mummy.

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