The Mummy (2017)
October 31, 2017
(The 2017 Nostalgia-Ween opening is shown; but this time it says "Nostalgia-Ween meets Cinemassacre's Monster Madness", with Vincent Price's evil laugh from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video added. The graves in the Joke Cemetery are as follows: "Subtle Johnny Depp", "Last Airbender 2", "Bill", and "Just kidding, you can't kill Bill"; the Simpsons couch gag in the Channel Awesome studios shows Rob, NC, Tamara and Malcolm sitting on the couch, and then, after an explosion, they turn into Super Mecha Death Christ; open on a listless-looking NC sitting there, with his head resting on his hand)
NC: (monotone) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And do I really have to?
(Cut to the Nerd via transmission)
Nerd: We have to.
NC: (resigned sigh) This is The Mummy with Tom Cruise.
(The title for the movie is shown, followed by clips)
NC (vo): This was supposed to be the big start to, what else, a cinematic universe, one Universal wanted to create with classic monster movies. Because everything has to be a goddamn universe now!
NC: Christ, I'm surprised the Teletubbies don't have a cinematic universe!
Nerd: (pointing at NC) Don't give them ideas!
NC: (covering his mouth in shock) Oh, shit! (in the corner, a shot of "Teletubbies vs. Care Bears" appears, and the NC notices) Dammit!
Nerd (vo): The film bombed, throwing their future Dark Universe films into question. I really wanted to talk about this movie, because, in some respects, this comes full circle.
NC: (confused) What?
Nerd: (moving his finger around in a squiggly circle) Okay, it's a very shittily-drawn circle, but it's still a circle. (shrugs)
NC: Did you just make up the word "shittily"?
Nerd: My point is...
Nerd (vo): ...Universal invented the shared universe concept in the 40s. (Posters of Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of Dracula, The House of Frankenstein, and Abbott and Costello Meet the Monsters Collection pop up on screen) Crossovers, versus, team-ups, all these were originally done with the classic Universal monsters. Marvel and everybody else is technically copying what they started. Somewhere down the line, that fad faded, but as films like (posters of...) Freddy vs. Jason, [Captain America] Civil War, and Batman vs. Superman became so popular, suddenly Universal wanted to jump back onboard. So now, ironically, Universal is copying what Marvel and all these other films did, forgetting that Universal was the one that came up with this idea to begin with.
NC: And that's all this movie is: a copy.
NC (vo): A copy of every overused cliche in current cinematic universes, trying to set up the next five movies rather than focusing on making one good one.
Nerd: I actually wanted to see this movie succeed, because I want the Universal monsters to continue in some way.
Nerd (vo): They're not as popular nowadays as they should be, so it's important to bring them back in the public minds. It's like Batman or James Bond: (The collages of all the actors who played the mentioned characters are shown) we all have our favorite actors who played the roles, (Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger as the Jokers are followed) but we still accept different versions, and the best ones can create new timeless interpretations.
NC: Does this film do that?
Nerd: I think you know the answer.
NC: I know the answer. Let's dive into (finger quotes) the Dark Universe's Mummy.
(The movie starts with a stylized opening, featuring the brown-colored Earth, the gloomy sky and the caption "DARK UNIVERSE" sliding up)
Nerd (vo): Look at this. They're already declaring it "The Dark Universe". Ooh, we're so excited. There's gonna be more of something that we don't even know if we like yet.
(The quote from Egyptian prayer of resurrection, "Death is but the doorway to new life. We live today, we shall live again. In many new forms shall we return", is followed)
NC (vo): Followed by a quote, because...
NC: ...They just want a quote.
Nerd: Yeah, they always do that to make films seem more important. Hey, how about this for a more fitting quote?
(The mock quote "This movie's gonna suck" by "Everyone" is shown)
NC: Truth in advertising.
(A fire spark appears, and we cut to 1127 AD, where several English crusader knights bury an Egyptian ruby within the tomb of one of their members)
Nerd (vo): It opens with...medieval knights?
NC (vo): Oh, God! It's Transformers 5! Kill it with underperforming ticket sales!
Nerd (vo): Too late.
(Now we are shown the modern-day England. In the sewer, a mysterious man named Henry Jekyll is authorized to investigate the place where some workers have found the tomb)
Nerd (vo): Wait. Now we're in present-day England? Does this film even know what film it is?
NC: Well, we gotta show...
(Jekyll is played by Russell Crowe)
NC (vo): ...Russell Crowe is in this movie.
NC: Just to...
(And then we're shown the New Kingdom of Egypt via flashback and introduced to Princess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella) and her father, King Menehptre (Selva Rasalingam))
NC (vo): ...cut immediately away from him.
Nerd (vo): Oh, now we're in Egypt? Thank God, I almost forgot this was a Mummy movie.
NC (vo): The story hasn't even been set up yet, and there's already two scenes you can cut! Did someone paste over a draft of the script without erasing part of the other draft?
Jekyll: (narrating) Princess Ahmanet. Beautiful, cunning, and ruthless.
Nerd (vo): The mummy this time is not Imhotep, but rather Princess Ahmanet, which is a welcome change. Before, all we had was (pictures of...) the Bride of Frankenstein and maybe Dracula's daugther. (The male classic Universal monsters are shown) It was kind of a sausage fest, you know. In most incarnations of the story, there's usually a mummy princess. This is just putting the mummy princess in the spotlight, making her the main monster. She has her own unique style and would look cool in a lineup of other monsters, so this is not a bad starting point.
NC: The problem is, everything else about her makes no goddamn sense.
NC (vo): In this one, it's not a forbidden love that forces her to give up her soul, it's because a baby brother is born, stopping her from becoming queen. So she uses the same spark effect you've literally just saw...
(After summoning the god of darkness named Set, Ahmanet lights up the torches in his tomb, in which the Dagger of Set is kept)
NC (vo): ...to quote, "get revenge". Yeah, that's how they put it.
Jekyll: (narrating) Vowing revenge, she made a choice to embrace evil.
Nerd: Revenge for what?
NC (vo): I don't know. Revenge against the baby for literally being born? But, okay. She kills the kid and the mother and the Pharaoh. What happens next?
(After Ahmanet kills her family, her pupils double. Then she attempts to sacrifice her lover to Set)
Jekyll: (narrating) She vowed to bring Set, the god of death, into our world, in the body of a mortal man. Together, they would take their vengeance upon humanity.
(NC and Nerd blink in confusion)
NC: Where did that come from?!
Nerd: I have no idea what this chick is about!
NC (vo): First, she wants to be queen, then kill her brother, then bonk a demon, then kill the demon to release the demon to take over the world?
Nerd: That's like saying after Bruce Wayne's parents died...
(Michael Keaton as Batman is shown)
Nerd (vo): ...he wanted to become Batman...
(The Gotham City background changes to a flower shop)
Nerd (vo): ...open a flower shop...
(The background is now a disco party)
Nerd (vo): ...become a disco dancer...
(Three ice creams are shown with the captions "Justice", "Dark Justice", and "Strawberry #2")
Nerd (vo): ...and create three new ice creams!
Nerd: One motivation is enough!
(Ahmanet is captured by her father's priests and condemned to be mummified alive for eternity)
NC (vo): After becoming the Enchantress, she's stopped before she can release her devil boyfriend, or however that was supposed to work, and she's mummified.
Jekyll: (narrating) Her body carried far from Egypt.
NC: Yeah, no shit far, it's friggin' Iraq!
(The map is shown to illustrate that Egypt and Iraq are pretty far from each other)
NC (vo): They make it look like a small stroll, but Iraq's a little bit of a skip!
(Back to present day, we're shown Sergeant Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) and Corporal Chris Vail (Jake Johnson) on Long Range Reconnaissance for the U.S. Army)
NC (vo): But not far enough to keep an infestation of Tom Cruises away. He plays Sergeant Rick Morton (!), who's supposed to be doing advanced recon.
Nick: We are not looters. We are...
Vail and Nick: ...liberators of precious antiquities.
NC: Now, usually, I'd say, "Who cares? Just get to the mummy already", but you know what? He's representing America's troops. So I do care. I want to see how they're represented here.
Vail: Command thinks we're doing advanced recon a 100 miles from here.
Nick: Haram is what's down there. Treasure. And then command will know where we are...
Vail: And we'll do 20 years in Leavenworth for looting.
NC: Piss on your corpses, you disrespectful shitbags!
Nerd (vo): I don't get it. Why can't it just be archeologists, like all the other films? There was nothing wrong with that. The ethical question of how much do you uncover for science and/or greed fits perfectly with that scenario.
NC (vo): But here, disobeying orders, risking prison, and all just to sell artifacts on the black market, seems hugely disrespectful when it's a sergeant in the Army!
NC: Look, I know not every soldier is a saint, but this is the main character! And I'm just gonna take...a wild guess and say they don't write him superhuman or complex.
Nerd: Are you kidding me? He's one of the deepest characters in cinema.
Nerd (vo): Just listen to this incredible banter when he's breaking into enemy lines to find treasure.
(Nick and Vail are attacked by Iraqi Army)
Vail: (various scenes) You kidding me?! / Slip in, slip out! / This is not like we always do! / I hate you! I hate you so much!
Nick: Just let me think!
Vail: Think about what?! / What are you thinking?!
Nick: I'm thinking we're probably gonna die here.
Vail: I knew it!
NC: Hey! They almost got every generic saying! How about... (The following appears below NC) "They don't make 'em like they used to!"
Nerd: "Ya win some, ya lose some".
NC: "I didn't sign up for this!"
Nerd: "Here we go again".
NC: "Wubba lubba dub dub!" Too many layers to count!
(After Nick and Vail discover the tomb of Ahmanet at the deep pool, Colonel Greenway, played by Courtney B. Vance, arrives by helicopter, as well as an archaeologist named Jennifer Halsey ((Annabelle Wallis))
NC (vo): At least we get a colonel who's trying to offset Cruise's awful character.
Nerd (vo): Too bad he's more like an angry commissioner stereotype.
Greenway: Two assholes from Long Range Reconnaissance, stealing whatever isn't nailed down.
Jenny: We have no idea what could be down there.
Greenway: You're getting in the hole with her.
Nerd (vo): Oh, and he's also a dumbass.
Vail: I'll be right here holding the rope, Sarge.
Greenway: Get in the damn hole, Vail.
Vail: Oh, man!
(Nick, Vail and Jenny go down the pool with flashlights)
NC (vo): Wait a minute. He just gave a long speech about why they're untrustworthy, and now he's sending only them with this archaeologist who Cruise literally just admitted he slept with?!
(Cut to a scene from before)
Jenny: I had him in my hotel room three nights ago in Baghdad.
NC: So, (hits the table) just to clarify: The Mummy says the Army is full of horny idiots and thieves!
Nerd: And you know it's a credible source because the guy who wrote Transformers 2 is saying it.
NC: You're the Devil's taint, movie!
Nerd (vo): They roam around the tomb after partaking in some amazing chemistry.
(Vail shines his flashlight in Nick's eyes)
Nick: What are you doing?
(Nick swats the flashlight away. Vail shines it again, and Nick swats it. And then this happens for the third time!)
(The three extract the sarcophagus from the pool of mercury)
Nerd (vo): And they find the sarcophagus submerged in mercury.
Jenny: There is mercury dripping from the ceiling.
Nerd: (puzzled) Well...that's different.
Jenny: The ancient Egyptians believed it weakened evil spirits.
Nick: Well, now we know better. Stuff will kill you.
Vail: Yeah, after it makes you crazy.
NC: Kind of like what not reading a script before you sign on to a franchise does.
(The camel spiders surround Nick, Vail and Jenny)
NC (vo): After finding Ahmanet's tomb, they're suddenly attacked by bugs. Yeah, remember how they were a big thing in the Brendan Fraser one? Well, now they're back to wreak havoc!
(Vail opens fire on the spiders)
Nick: They're not even poisonous!
Vail: It bit me!
Nerd (vo): Huh. So much for that. So Cruise has a weird vision of Ahmanet just before this hilarious scene.
Jenny: Tell Greenway to get this thing out of here, or he's gonna have to explain why he left me behind.
(Jenny leaves, and Nick is left speechless. Then, Jenny goes right back to him)
Jenny: Do it!
NC: It's funny, because...she backed up...
NC (vo): ...in a weird way?
Nerd: No, it isn't.
NC: You think I don't know that?!
(The sarcophagus is placed on a transport plane headed to England. To be specific, it is hanging from a long rope)
NC (vo): They take possession of the tomb and bring it to their base... Is there really no better way to transport that? But apparently, Cruise's friend gets possessed by the mummy and starts killing people.
(Vail, possessed with Ahmanet's power after being bitten, kills Greenway and approaches Nick, Jenny and the other soldiers)
Jenny: Vail. Vail. Vail!
Nick: Vail, put the knife down.
Jenny: Vail, no! No, no!
Nick: Vail! Vail! Vail! Vail! Vail! (He kills him with his handgun)
NC: (as Nick, pretending to be holding a gun sideways) Don't make me shoot you again 80s style.
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo; as Nick): I'm turning the gun, I'll do it! (Nick kills Vail) Oh, my God, that's so cool. I want to do it again. (Nick shoots once more) 80s style.
(A huge number of crows assault the plane, and it starts to go down)
Nerd (vo): But the film wants to rip off Hitchcock, too. Why not? It's ripped off from everything else.
Nick: No! (Nick, Jenny and everything else floats up) Parachutes!
NC: Okay, to the film's credit, it is kind of cool seeing them...
NC (vo): ...fly around in the plane. You know they combined the anti-gravity techniques from Apollo 13 with a spinning set to create a really neat combo of effects.
Nerd (vo): Too bad the plane looks just as fake as the one in Superman Returns.
(Nick puts the parachute on Jenny and opens it, sending Jenny flying away)
NC (vo; as Nick): My movie, bitch. Laters!
(After the plane crash, we cut to white, and then to Nick awakening a day later in a morgue in Oxford)
NC (vo): The plane crashes, but Cruise mysteriously survives without a scratch on him. And, big shock, he gets to show off his body again.
(Nick sees some people in the morgue. Realizing he's naked, he covers his crotch and backs away)
NC (vo): Yes, Cruise.
NC: You're very cool! Somebody said that! You can stop trying now.
(Two policemen are shown at night searching through the crash site)
Nerd (vo): Cops come across the crashed plane, and now it's just waiting for the jump scare.
NC: Okay, I hate waiting for these. I'm gonna go take a piss. Just tell me it had happened so I can pretend like I haven't seen it a million times. (He gets up from his chair and leaves)
Nerd: Will do.
(The typical "time passing" music is played over the scene with two cops observing the damage. It cuts back and forth to NC urinating in the bathroom offscreen and the Nerd taking a sip from a cup while waiting for the inevitable, but then putting it away in disgust)
Allen: Hey! You better come and look at... (Ahmanet's hand appears and grabs him)
NC: (offscreen, deadpan) Oh, my God, it's so scary.
(And we go to commercial. After coming back, we are shown Nick and Jenny at a restaurant)
NC (vo): She (Ahmanet) transforms the cops into the Walking Duds, as we cut back to Cruise with Jenny.
Jenny: How did you get out of that plane? There's not a single scratch on your body.
NC: Well, he's just going through an incredible experience coming back from the dead, which is essentially what this entire film is about. (pause) How's he gonna react to it?
(Nick doesn't say anything for some seconds, chuckles, just shrugs...and finishes his drink)
NC: (smiling forcibly) GOD, this movie gets it!!
(Nick overhears Vail's sardonic ghost speaking)
Nerd (vo): But his friend Vail seems to be a possessed ghost that only Cruise can see.
Nerd (vo): Cruise is already possessed, we don't need another one. I don't even get it. Why is one a ghost, and one invincible? There's too many different rules.
(Nick and Vail's ghost have a talk in the bathroom, with Vail reflecting in the mirror)
Vail: You know, I always thought I had a chance with her.
Vail: How do you squander that?
Nick: There was mercury in that tomb. The vapors were toxic.
Vail: (overlaps) I mean, how do you mess that up?
Nerd: Oh, I get it now. It's so they can steal...
Nerd (vo): ...from American Werewolf in London.
Nerd: And that's the word: steal!
Nick: It's just in my head, it's in my head.
Vail: No, it's not.
(Cut to various clips from An American Werewolf in London (1981))
David (David Naughton): I'm going completely crazy.
Jack (Griffin Dunne): Please believe me.
Vail: I'm cursed, Nick!
Jack: ...until the werewolf's curse is lifted.
Vail: This is gonna get a lot worse.
Jack: I'm not having a nice time here.
Nerd (vo): It doesn't come off as a spoof or self-aware. It's not even really a common cliche. It's just stealing.
Nerd: In fact, there's too many people under the mummy's control.
Nerd (vo): Tom Cruise, his friend, and these zombie cops all seem to be under different types of possessions. It makes it harder to get an idea how this mummy works or even what to be afraid of.
Nerd: If Freddy Krueger got me, I know I'd be in a dream and he tortured me. If Dracula got me, I know I'd be bitten and turn into a vampire. But if this mummy got me... I don't know!
Nerd (vo): I might be a zombie, I might be invincible, I might only be able to talk through a mirror... But wait!
Nerd: There's even more!
(Nick goes back to Jenny)
Jenny: We've been searching for the Dagger of Set. Set is the Egyptian god of death. The dagger and stone, together, had the power to give Set physical form.
Nerd (vo): Oh, what now? We have to worry about the god of death, too?
Nerd: The movie's called The Mummy! Why not just focus on the mummy?!
NC: Yeah, like in Frankenstein, the monster is all you need.
(The screenshot from the 1931 movie Frankenstein is shown with a colored picture of Satan Photoshopped on it)
NC (vo): It's not like the monster and Satan are going to go throw little girls in ponds! One is enough! Speaking of which, where is our monster? The film's almost halfway over, and we barely seen her.
(Ahmanet lures Nick into a church)
Nerd (vo): Well, Cruise gets a vision to find her in a church where she finally reveals herself...right after that same spark effect from earlier...
NC: Is the film trying to set itself on fire? What is that?
(It's revealed that Ahmanet wants Nick as a replacement vessel for Set. Trapping him, she breaks the reliquary to take the Dagger of Set)
Nerd (vo): She uses her minions to trap him, and she finds the blade to sacrifice him to release the god of death.
NC (vo): So, she just sensed that the blade was in that statue?
Nerd (vo): I guess. But she also realizes the stone is missing.
NC: Wait, she could sense that the blade was there, but couldn't sense that the stone wasn't attached? In fact, why didn't she...
NC (vo): ...take it out earlier to prepare? Why'd she wait for Cruise to get there?
NC: Isn't that not thinking ahead?
Nerd: Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this.
(NC waits for an answer, but the Nerd is silent. Back to the movie, Jenny shows up before Ahmanet can stab Nick in the heart. They try to escape in an ambulance car, but Ahmanet's zombie minions catch up on them)
NC (vo): Jenny comes in to save him, but much like the movie, though, they're going around in circles, and her minions send them off a cliff.
Nerd (vo): That seems to be the one thing this movie knows how to do well.
NC (vo): Crash and burn?
(Nick gets out of a car, takes a piece of wood and approaches Ahmanet)
Jenny: Get her! Get her! Kick her arse!
(But Ahmanet breaks the wood and hits Nick, sending him flying (with a Goofy holler added). After that, the unknown soldiers appear and subdue Ahmanet by using grappling hooks)
NC (vo): But armed men take her down with grappling hooks.
Nerd (vo): Our thrilling mummy, everybody! Nothing can stop her except wires with something sharp at the end of them.
NC: They should've just sent an army of Mabels after her.
(The soldiers take Nick to a big room where the collection different rare things connected to monsters is shown in jars)
Nerd (vo): Cruise is taken to a secret location in London, where we get cameos in jars: the Creature from the Black Lagoon's hand, the vampire's skull...
NC (vo): Look, Howard the Duck is in the back!
Nerd (vo): ...and Russell Crowe, the Nick Fury of this movie, in the role of...who else? Dr. Jekyll.
Jekyll: I would like, if I may, Mr. Morton, to tell you a story.
NC and Nerd: Nooooooo!
NC: You're already telling five stories! Just stick to one!
Nerd (vo): This is the middle of the film, which would normally be where all the exposition goes, but we've already had so much exposition already. We're tired out! Even the mummy herself starts telling us stories as the same scattered flashbacks play.
NC (vo): This movie is slow in all the wrong ways and fast in all the wrong ways. But, wait. Here's a big surprise. Jenny was working for this organization the whole time!
Nerd: Why is that a big surprise?
NC: Because... (looks around)
NC (vo): ...he (Nick) looks surprised.
(Cut to Jenny explaining everything to Nick)
Jenny: What was I supposed to tell you? Would you even have believed me?
Nerd (vo): She's so boring...
Nerd: ...we barely know what she's like. How am I supposed to know if this is in-character or not?
NC (vo): Well, we know she doesn't want the mummy dissected so she can know more about her world, so she tries to talk to her. For about two minutes.
Ahmanet: What you truly wish to know... (jump cut) What I have seen?
Ahmanet: And you will, when I kill you.
(Jenny walks away without changing the expression on her face)
NC: Wow, she makes one weak threat, and she's like, "I don't need to know about your world anymore!"
Nerd: She's tough bones.
NC: You think so?
Nerd: I have no idea, she's boring!
(Jekyll comes up to Nick looking through his collection)
Jekyll: Welcome to a new world of gods and monsters.
NC (vo): That's the closest thing to an homage you fanboys are getting, dicks.
Nerd (vo): But Crowe reveals that he wants to kill Cruise so he never becomes the god of death, and he's surprisingly blunt about it.
Jekyll: Certain sacrifices must be made.
Jenny: (walks up) Henry. Are you planning on killing him?
Jekyll: Mr. Morton here essentially killed himself when he severed the barrier chain.
Jenny: You want to put the stone in the dagger and stab him with it?
Jekyll: Well, the dagger will allow Set to enter his body, and...
NC: You know he's still in the room, right?
Nick: You want to stab me with that thing?
NC: I don't know what's more stupid...
NC (vo): ...Crowe admitting he's gonna kill Cruise, or Cruise just standing there listening to him! He's acting like he just heard a bad pay package for his cell phone!
Jekyll: No matter what I do, you are going to die.
Nick: I'm not interested in that at all.
NC: (as Nick) I'm not going anywhere until I get a no-credit, least-to-own agreement!
Nerd (vo): Jekyll starts to turn into Hyde, though...
NC (vo): Are you sure? (A screenshot from South Park episode "The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer" is shown briefly) I think that's just how it is when he's drunk.
(Ahmanet summons a spider to possess a technician and frees herself)
Nerd (vo): ...and they fight while the mummy possesses someone else to help her escape.
Hyde: (to Nick) You are a younger man, but you'd best learn to be wary of a man like me.
NC: "Younger man"? Cruise, you're two years older than him! (Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe's dates of birth are shown to illustrate that) Can you kill your ego for just a few seconds?!
(After stopping Hyde, Nick and Jenny escape to see Ahmanet wreaking havoc in London)
Nerd (vo): They escape, of course, but the mummy hunts them down with all her powers.
(Ahmanet creates a sandstorm, sending everyone in the streets running from it. The storm breaks all the windows in the buildings)
NC: Boy, I didn't think Brexit would be this bad.
(Ahmanet's rampage continues)
Nerd (vo): Screams, buildings blow up, people run...yeah, yeah, pretty generic shit.
Nerd: This doesn't even feel like a theatrical film. It feels like...
Nerd (vo): ...a Syfy Channel movie of the week. (The poster of Ahmanet in the tornado is shown with the title "Mummynado")
NC (vo): But hey, look! They have the face in the storm! It's not the original Mummy movie, but it's...A Mummy movie! They even have the Brendan Fraser moment of somebody making a stupid face and stating the obvious!
(Nick and Jenny hide in the bus. Suddenly for Nick, Vail's ghost shows up)
Vail: Wow, that was intense!
(The title of the movie appears to a "BWONG")
NC: (startled) What was that?
Nerd: Oh, that just felt like a line that was put in for the trailer. So I just threw that in there.
NC: Isn't all of this just a trailer already for future films, though?
(The title is shown again with a caption "1 of...Probably 1. Wishing it Was 0". In the movie, Ahmanet summons an army of deceased English crusaders, and they attack Nick in the London Underground tunnels)
NC (vo): So now she uses the corpses of medieval knights to chase after him!
Nerd (vo): Zombie knights in London. Remember when this used to be a Mummy movie?
NC (vo): No.
Nerd (vo): Me neither.
(Nick gives up and dives into the water along with Ahmanet's knights. However, he discovers the lifeless Jenny, whom Ahmanet has drowned)
Nerd (vo): He swims through a Castlevania level to find Ahmanet is waiting.
NC: I swear, his reaction here is the exact same reaction of all the people who saw this on the big screen.
(Nick just waves his hands around in shock and grief, sobbing)
NC: That's right; all two of you had that reaction.
Nerd (vo): But, oh, no, Jenny is dead. God, no, not her. She had so much character.
(Angry, Nick charges towards Ahmanet, but she knocks him to the ground)
NC (vo; as Ahmanet): Bitch, please!
Nerd (vo): Actually, most of the climax is just Tom Cruise getting his ass kicked.
Nerd: It's more funny than suspenseful.
NC (vo; as Nick, in a high-pitched, Jerry Lewis-esque voice): Whoa-hoy, nice lady! Please not with the throwing and the smashing and the... (Ahmanet hits Nick in the shin) Ow! That.
(Nick's body is partially possessed by Set (Nick has taken the dagger and shattered the ruby earlier))
Nerd (vo): But he decides, out of nowhere, that he does want to be the god of death. Why? So he can have literally four eyes?
NC: But it doesn't take him over! (pause) Or something.
NC (vo): I don't know. It's not very well-explained. And he uses his new powers to defeat her.
(Nick sends Ahmanet flying. She smashes into a wall and...slaps Nick on the cheek)
Nerd: (feigned amazement) Oooh! Now that was the move of someone who just blew up buildings! A slap.
(The scene is replayed)
Nerd (vo): Look out for the mummy. She might slap you. What the hell happened to the powers you had before, you dummy mummy?
(After Nick sucks the life out of Ahmanet, he harnesses Set's powers to resurrect Jenny, having gotten the fangs and demon eyes in the process)
NC (vo): He defeats her and turns into Blackheart from Ghost Rider to bring Jenny back, seemingly fighting the evil that's inside him.
NC: But an even more important resurrection takes place. Our comic relief Vail.
(In the desert, Nick resurrects Vail)
Vail: Thank you for bringing me back to life and everything, Nick.
NC: Come on, admit it. Cruise was more in love with him than he was with her!
Nerd (vo): Then he rides off with all his power, leaving the door open whether or not he'll use them for good or evil.
(Nick and Vail ride on horses, with Nick's horse leaving a large trail of sand behind. The movie ends, leaving the Nerd dumbfounded)
Nerd: Um...shouldn't that be more of Dr. Jekyll's thing? You know he's in the movie, right?
Nerd (vo): Isn't this kind of a redundant idea with Cruise's character? What even is Cruise now? He's not any of the classic monsters. Is he the new mummy? Is the other mummy dead? Why should I be excited for any of this? You couldn't even tease the future movies right! And this movie's sole purpose is to tease other movies!
Nerd: A good tease would be building up the Wolf Man, because we know what that is and can get excited for it.
(The screenshots from Iron Man 2 and Batman Begins are shown)
Nerd (vo): When you see Thor's hammer at the end of a movie, you know Thor is coming. When you see the Joker card at the end of a movie, you know the Joker is coming.
Nerd: But what am I supposed to do with this?
Nerd (vo): Think Tom Cruise now has epic farts that can cause sandstorms?
Nerd: I'm not excited. I'm confused! And pissed off! This movie is terrible!
NC: That it friggin' is! Aside from him becoming...
(The clips from the movie play once more as NC and the Nerd say their final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): ...Bland Helsing, I don't know what kind of world this is trying to set up! It focuses too much on planning ahead, rather than focusing on what's right in front of you. You can't grow a garden if you can't figure out how to plant your first flower.
Nerd (vo): The reason to do a reboot is to do something different or improve on it. The classic Universal crossovers had their faults.
Nerd: Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man worked well when it was two monsters. And when they started throwing Dracula in...House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula...it started to become a mess because they couldn't really figure out how to write all the monsters into one film.
Nerd (vo): But this is not an improvement. It follows every modern trend without creating everything unique.
Nerd: I'd compare it to one of the main jokes in the mockumentary Spinal Tap.
(The screenshots from Rob Reiner's 1984 mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap are shown at one point)
Nerd (vo): The band is following every popular style of music: the "hippie flower" phase, "80s glam rock" phase, and every time they join the trend, they're just a bit too late. The Mummy follows the zombie trend, action trend, superhero trend; it throws everything in the pot, but not in a fun, self-aware way. It's like it's really trying hard to cast out a big net and be the most popular thing possible. It's overly confident that this is the first chapter in a cinematic universe, when really, this epic first step is an epic misstep.
NC: And that was our review of The Mummy. And you were right, Nerd. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
Nerd: I don't remember saying that.
NC: You're right. Because IT WAS AWFUL, and I HATE ending Nostalgia-Ween on it!!
Nerd: Hey, it's all right. Once you calm down, Critic, why don't you watch something good for a change?
NC: (sighs) Yeah, I guess I could.
Nerd: I even left a new movie on your desk. It's based on an anime that's supposed to be really good.
NC: (looks down) Oh. You did. I didn't notice that there the whole time. How strange. (smiles) And yeah, I have heard good things about that anime!
Nerd: Yeah, so, obviously, the movie must be good, right?
NC: Yeah. That sounds logic! Thanks a lot, Nerd. You're not such a bad guy after all. (takes the Blu-ray of the movie in question, revealing that it's...Dragonball Evolution) I'm really gonna enjoy watching this.
(Right after NC leaves, the Nerd rubs his chin evilly, as the beginning of Johann Sebastian Bach's "Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor" plays out. And then we go to the credits! After they end, we see a 6-second loop of the scene of Vail shining the flashlight in Chris' eyes and Chris swatting it away)
Channel Awesome tagline - Nick: You want to stab me with that thing?