The Mummy (1999)
October 24, 2017
(The 2017 Nostalgia-Ween opening is shown; the graves in the Joke Cemetery are as follows: "That Time Nostalgia Critic Made Fun of Mako", "Mako", "Sonic SatAM Season 3", and "Star Wars Easter Special"; the Simpsons couch gag in the Channel Awesome studios shows the NC sitting on the couch, dressed as Jack Torrance and holding a large axe; Malcolm, Tamara and Rob run into the room, but back away slowly when they see NC holding the axe and who he's dressed as)
(Cut to the black-and-white model of a sphinx. The camera moves to a pyramid, on which the words "The Mummy" are carved. Inside the pyramid, a Egyptian high priest Imhotep is shown, played by Doug. During all of this, an extract from the ballet "Swan Lake" by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky plays out. It turns out that this is a homage to the 1932 movie starring Boris Karloff)
Imhotep: You shall rest from life, like the setting sun in the west, but you shall dawn anew in the east, as the first rays of Amun-Ra dispel the shadows.
(Suddenly, a fully-colored person breaks into the pyramid, wielding a sword. That is Rick O'Connell from the loose 1999 remake, here played by Malcolm)
Rick: Hyah! Not today, mummy guy! (hits the wall with the sword) Shwing!
(Next person in color is Evie Carnahan, played by Tamara and having cuffs on her wrists. She gasps excitedly. Imhotep just stares in annoyance)
Rick: I, being totally from this time period, am here to stop you!
(And then the Nostalgia Critic, as well as Malcolm and Tamara, break characters)
NC: Cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you guys doing?
Tamara: Well, you told us to dress up as the original Mummy movie.
NC: Yeah! 1932, Boris Karloff!
Tamara and Malcolm: (chuckling) Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Malcolm: Everybody knows that the original Mummy is the Brendan Fraser version.
(NC sighs in exasperation)
Tamara: Why are you dressed up as Grunkle Stan and talking like Frankenberry?
NC: Oh, my God, I'm so sick of people saying this. The Brendan Fraser one is not the original!
Malcolm: Sure it is. That's why when the crappy remake came out, everyone said it's not as good as the original.
Tamara: Yeah, isn't that true?
NC: No! I mean, yes! I mean... It is a sin against nature...
Tamara: And this is that original film?
NC: No. This was the first crappy remake!
Malcolm: You didn't like it?
NC: I didn't say that.
Malcolm: But you said it was crappy.
NC: Well, it was meant to be crappy. At least, I pray to God it was.
Tamara: Let's just all come together and agree that the Tom Cruise one sucks.
NC: Yes. I mean, no! I mean... I want to show people what a great Mummy movie was supposed to be!
Tamara: You thought the Tom Cruise one was great?
NC: (through clenched teeth) There's more than two movies!!
Malcolm: Well, people remember the Fraser one. You should talk about that.
NC: Fine. I'll leave it to the audience. (addresses the camera) How many of you would- (The caption "FRASER ONE" appears in yellow letters to a ding, angering NC) Goddamn it, you uncultured swines!
Tamara: Told ya.
NC: Oh, piss off telling me an Eragon joke!
(Malcolm and Tamara shrug and leave. NC then puts the black-and-white background away like the paper map and sits in his usual spot. However, he's still black-and-white. Upon noticing this, he hits his fez, which makes him go back to full color. The title for the 1999 movie The Mummy is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): Sad to say that in recent years, when many people refer to the original Mummy movie, this is the one they're talking about. The 1999 hit quickly established it had as much to do with the original Mummy as, say, (poster of...) The Last Airbender has to do with the original Avatar.
NC: Except they're little less penis hair.
NC (vo): Nevertheless, it found its audience not as a horror film, but rather a corny, lighthearted adventure. It spawned sequels, spin-offs, even a children's cartoon. (A small clip from the intro to The Mummy: The Animated Series is shown)
NC: (arms akimbo) And let me tell you, it is no Jackie Chan Adventures!
NC (vo): So, after years of popularity, and yes, even future remakes taking more from this than the original source material, (A scene of sandstorm with Imhotep's face is shown alongside the similar scene from the 2017 movie) it does make sense to see if this still holds up or if, honestly, it was ever really meant to hold up.
NC: Let's take a look at 1999's...
Malcolm: (offscreen) The original!
NC: Shut up and watch something black-and-white!
Tamara: (offscreen) NEVER!!!
NC: ...The Mummy.
NC (vo): It starts off in...
(The city of Thebes in 1290 BC is shown, clearly computer-animated)
NC: Oh! I'm sorry. I apparently put on...
NC (vo): ...an episode of a cartoon.
NC: Oh! Doubly sorry. These are apparently (smiles and nods) really convincing effects!
NC (vo): Not to knock with its admittedly pretty CG, but... (Pictures of Moses and Ramses from The Prince of Egypt appear as the scene replays) Val Kilmer and Ralph Fiennes as Moses and Ramses fit a little too well into this realistic backdrop!
Ardeth Bay (Oded Fehr): (narrating) Thebes, crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti the First, (Imhotep, played by Arnold Vosloo, is shown overlooking the palace) home of Imhotep, Pharaoh's high priest, keeper of the dead.
NC: (as Ardeth) Who enjoys sitting really close to the screen...
NC (vo): ...playing Assassin's Creed Origins.
NC: (normal) Oh! Again, I mean, uh, (wiggles fingers) looking over realistic Egypt!
NC (vo): I give the film credit that, as fake as everything looks, it is still a gorgeous and artistically pleasing body of work.
(The mistress of Seti I and Imhotep's secret lover, Anck-su-Namun, played by Patricia Velásquez, is shown in a really skimpy costume)
NC (vo): And the CGI ain't bad either.
(Richie (Heather Reusz) pops up)
Richie: Am I right, boys?!
NC (vo): Imhotep has an affair with the Pharaoh's mistress...
NC: Which seems to be done, the more I think about it.
(Anck-su-Namun's priests, who are painted gold, guard the doors to her room, but Seti I enters nevertheless)
NC (vo): But the gold investors are unable to block cock for long.
(Seti I walks up to Anck-su-Namun and points at her shoulder, which has some black paint)
Seti I: (speaks Egyptian, as translated by subtitles) Who has touched you?!
NC: (as Anck-su-Namun, looking around) I had an itch. (normal) What... Egyptians never have an itch?...
(Anck-su-Namun stabs Seti I in the back)
NC (vo): ...Or you can kill him, that'll work.
(Seti's bodyguards, the Medjay, come over to Anck-su-Namun)
NC (vo): But the mistress has a plan for the guards who came to arrest her.
(Anck-su-Namun stabs herself in the stomach, killing herself. Imhotep winces)
NC (vo): Ha-ha, that showed 'em!
(At night, Imhotep and his priests ride in chariots to Hamunaptra, the city of the dead)
NC (vo): Imhotep plans to resurrect her, though, as...wait.
NC: I can't not play this.
Merchant: (audio, singing) Arabian nights...
NC: This is all a cartoon!
NC (vo): Don't believe me? Look at the effects when he's trying to bring his love back to life.
(Anck-su-Namun's soul floats to her corpse, depicted as a black wind in the human shape)
NC (vo): Oh, my God! We're in the remake of The Haunting!
NC: Destroy everything except your bi Catherine Zeta-Joneses!
(Anck-su-Namun's soul returns to her body, and she wakes up)
NC (vo; as Anck-su-Namun): Oh! I dreamed I was attached to a giant bomb with Tom Cruise!
(The Medjay arrive to stop the resurrection ritual, thus Anck-su-Namun's soul is sent back. The priests are mummified alive, while Imhotep himself is sentenced to suffer the curse named Hom Dai. He's buried alive in a sarcophagus with flesh-eating scarab beetles, and is kept by the Medjay at the feet of Anubis' statue)
NC (vo): Imhotep has to kill her to resurrect her, but he's stopped and mummified, covered in CG bugs, while also given apparently the worst of all curses.
Ardeth: (narrating) The Medjay would never allow him to be released, for he would arise a walking disease, power over the sands, and the glory of invincibility.
NC: Kind of a dumb curse when you think about it.
NC (vo): Ah, yes. You will suffer for years and years, and if, by chance, somebody saves you, you'll become the most powerful and invincible entity known to man.
NC: Were there no other curses that left that part out? W-Was that curse on sale? (The caption "CURSE" with "20% discount" tag pops up)
(Cut to 1926, we're shown the Medjay, led by Ardeth)
Ardeth: (narrating) And for 3,000 years, we, the Medjay, the descendants of Pharaoh's sacred bodyguards, kept watch.
NC: Ah, jeez. These guys have the laziness...
NC (vo): ...of the Cruciform Sword written all over them. (A screenshot of Kazim revealing his tattoo from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown)
NC: If you did your job well, we wouldn't have a movie!
(We are shown the main character of the movie, Rick O'Connell, played by Brendan Fraser, serving as a captain in the French Foreign Legion and fighting against the Arabs in the city of Hamuntapra alongside another soldier Beni Gabor (Kevin J. O'Connor))
NC (vo): We come across a desert battle and meet our main character Rick, played by Fraser, and his comic relief, Beni.
(Beni drops his gun and flees)
Beni: Wait for me!
NC: Don't worry. He'll be back soon to confuse charming side antagonist with "SHUT UP! Ju... SHUT UP!!". Soon enough.
(Rick easily dodges the bullets)
NC (vo): Thank God they set the rifles to "around target" instead of "on target", as spooky face in the ground scares everyone away, including Fraser*.
- Note: Rick actually didn't see the formed face in the sand, he heard the disembodied voice and the rising sand around him and ran before noticing the face in question
(The Medjay watch Rick running away to desert on top of the hill)
Medjay: (in Egyptian, as shown via subtitles) And what of this one?
NC: (as Ardeth) Banish him to Monkeybone.
(The next main character, a Cairo librarian Evelyn "Evie" Carnahan is shown taking a misplaced book from a shelf, standing on top of the ladder, and trying to put it on a nearby shelf)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rachel Weisz plays a librarian named Evelyn, who's searching in the "S" section for "Suck-Ass Comedy".
(Evie drops the book and tries to balance on a ladder)
NC: It's funny, because... Nope.
(After that, Evie falls, knocking down all the bookshelves in the museum's library like dominoes)
NC (vo): Eh, I'll give them a point that they actually knocked all these bookcases over in one shot with no CG involved. It almost excuses the lame-ass exposition we have to sit through.
(The museum's curator, Dr. Terrence Bey (Erick Avari) appears and chastises her for all the mess)
Dr. Bey: Why do I put up with you?
Evie: W-Well, you put up with me, because I can...I can read and write ancient Egyptian, and I can...I can decipher hieroglyphics and hieratic...
NC: (as Evie) I force plot points with no natural rhyme or rhythm...
(Overhearing something, Evie goes to museum's hall of Egyptian culture, taking a torch hanging near the doorway)
NC (vo): She thinks she hears a noise, so she grabs one of those necessary torches kept around ancient artifacts...
NC: I guess electricity wasn't a common thing yet... (The scene of falling bookcases is shown again, with visible lamps on the ceiling) Oh, wait!
NC (vo): ...where she's led to her piss-poor fake-out.
(A corpse abruptly rises out of the sarcophagus Evie approaches, scaring her. But it's actually her brother Jonathan (John Hannah) lying in the sarcophagus, who lifts the corpse up)
Evie: Have you no respect for the dead?!
NC (vo): Uh...yeah, messing with priceless corpses in Egypt?
NC: Best-case scenario: fired, worst-case scenario: death!
(Jonathan shows the intricate box and map leading to Hamunaptra. After revealing that he stole it from Rick, Evie and Jonathan go to local prison where Rick, who's shabby and bearded, is kept)
NC (vo): This is Jonathan, Weisz's brother, who just happened to find the hell-raiser box which contains a map to Egyptian tombs and treasure. This looks like a job for pervy George of the Jungle!
Rick: Who are you? And who's the broad?
Evie: You were actually at Hamunaptra?
Rick: Yeah, I was there.
Evie: You swear?
Rick: Every damn day.
Evie: No, I didn't mean that...
Rick: I know what you meant. I was there. Seti's place, City of the Dead...
NC: (as Rick) My slightly dirty skin and perfect white teeth are ready for rugged adventure!
NC (vo): So, yeah, Brendan Fraser sticks out like a member of Scrubs in an Indiana Jones movie, but given the film's goofy tone, you could argue that's the point. It is a silly environment, so his mismatched voice and look doesn't go unwelcome.
Rick: (after kissing Evie on the lips, leaving her dumbfounded) Then get me the hell outta here!
NC: My problem is, there would have been so many other non-matching actors that would have been even cooler! Can you imagine Bruce Campbell...
(Campbell's face is Photoshopped on Rick's)
NC (vo): ...in that role? It'd make no sense, but it'd be awesome! (as Campbell portraying Rick, while his face "moves lips") Who are you, and who's the broad? Get me the hell outta here and, by God, tell me why that guy's in that hamster wheel! It's not even attached to anything!
(Cut to the scaffold, where Rick is about to be hanged)
NC (vo): Sadly, though, Fraser is said to hang, and...
(The hatch opens, and Rick is left hanging)
NC: ...Short movie.
(Cut briefly to the film's end credits. But then it turns out a noose around Rick's neck isn't too tight)
NC (vo): Actually, his neck doesn't break, which allows Weisz time to bargain for his life, telling his captor that if he releases him, she'll lead them to the treasure. (The rope is cut, and Rick falls to the ground) He agrees, not realizing forced romantic interludes are a shitty-ass Lucas wipe away.
(The scene transitions to a port in Giza, where Evie and Jonathan are ready to board the ship to Hamunaptra)
Evie: (of Rick) He's filthy, rude, a complete scoundrel. I don't like him one bit.
(Rick himself then appears behind their backs, all clean and shaven)
Rick: Anyone I know?
Evie: (startled) Oh...
NC: (as Evie, smiling sheepishly) Oh! My horniness totally forgot what I was saying.
Rick: My whole damn garrison believed in this so much, that without orders, they marched halfway across Libya and into Egypt to find that city. When we got there, all we found was sand and blood.
NC: (as Rick) Like, it totally put me off my surfing lessons. I'm a rogue.
(On board at night, Rick shows off his weapons to Evie)
Evie: One of the most famous books in history is buried there. The Book of Amun-Ra.
Rick: And the fact that they say it's made out of pure gold makes no nevermind to you? Right?
NC: (as Rick) I was thinking of dyeing my hair gold. Would that be cool? I'm a lowlife.
Evie: Why did you kiss me?
Rick: I was about to be hanged. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
(Outraged, Evie scoffs and leaves Rick)
NC (vo; as Evie): I thought we had something, man I've known for less than a day!
(Rick discovers a band of American treasure hunters, guided by Beni, whom Rick detects later)
NC (vo): They sail on a ship, discovering that another troop happens to be looking for the exact same thing on the exact same ship. They even come across the exact same wormy comic relief...
Beni: (to Rick) You're alive! I was so very, very worried.
NC: (confused) ...Bartok the bat?
Beni: They pay me only half now, half when I get them back to Cairo.
(Starting from this, almost all of Beni's lines are immediately followed by clips of Anastasia (1997) to compare that Beni's speech impediment and accent is pretty similar to Bartok the bat's (Hank Azaria) manner of speech)
Bartok: Am I supposed to believe that thing woke up after all these years?
Beni: You never believed in Hamunaptra, O'Connell.
Bartok: Oh, sure, blame the bat. What the heck? We're easy targets.
NC: (points at camera) Admit it, you are not gonna unhear this!
(The Medjay attack the ship. Despite Ardeth Bay's warnings about Imhotep and advisement to leave the city, both groups continue to travel across Hamunaptra separately, with Rick, Evie and Jonathan riding on camels)
NC (vo): But a Universal stunt show breaks out, and everybody is forced to abandon the ship. They manage to come across some camels, and, surprisingly, they don't focus on their flatulence...
NC: You missed a cinematic diamond mine!
NC (vo): ...and they travel to the ruins, using day for night, and dumb for smart.
David Daniels (Corey Johnson): (to Beni) What the hell are we doin'?
Beni: Patience, my good barat'm. Patience.
Bartok: You know, sir, really, you should watch your blood pressure. Stress, it's a killer, sir.
Rick: We're about to be shown the way.
(Both groups observe the sun rising, and the city of Hamunaptra slowly appearing like a mirage)
NC: You sure it's not just playing...
NC (vo): ...a DuckTales cartoon?
NC: My God, these effects!
David: Can you believe it?
Bernard Burns (Tuc Watkins): Hamunaptra.
Rick: Here we go again.
NC (vo; as Rick): Derp. (normal) So they make it to the city and start looking for riches.
(Tying a rope around the column, Rick hits Gad Hassan (Omid Djalili), a prison warden from Cairo who is accompanying them, three times with it)
NC: Film was used to shoot that rope scene. I think we all acknowledge it was worth it.
(Rick, Evie, Jonathan and Gad go inside one of the tombs)
NC (vo): They journey inward to see what they can find.
Jonathan: They ripped out your guts and stuffed them in jars.
Evie: And then they'd take out your heart as well.
(Just as Jonathan inadvertently presses a trap switch on the wall, the roof collapses and the chest falls)
NC: Well, it was nice seeing them.
(Cut to the end credits again. However, Rick and Evie aren't hurt)
NC (vo): No, they just missed it...Goddamnit...and find the Book of the Dead.
(Gad picks one of the diamonds on the wall and reaches for his bag, but accidentally drops it on the ground. This actually has a scarab inside it, and the beetle runs to Gad's shoe and starts eating his flesh from the inside)
NC (vo): Fraser's captor, however, finds one of the deadly bugs concealed in a Cadbury egg that somehow survived all these years, despite being in a Cadbury egg.
(Ripping his shirt, Gad screams upon discovering the eating scarab)
NC: (as Gad) Oh, no! I'm being...
NC (vo; as Gad): ...Photoshopped to death!
(Rick, Evie and Jonathan hear Gad screaming and rush to him)
NC: Christ, is Macaulay Culkin in that tomb with them?
(The scene of Gad screaming is repeated, before cutting to Home Alone clip of Kevin McCallister doing the same. Panicking, Gad runs into a wall and is knocked out cold)
NC: (solemnly) He died as he lived. Like Curly Howard.
(The Medjay arrive on horses and surround both bands)
NC (vo): The Cruciform Morons show up a day late, proving they suck at what they do, and making them even more dumb when they just tell them to leave, and then, they leave!
Ardeth: Leave. Leave this place or die.
(They ride away)
NC: Oh. Those are our choices, huh? (takes out a shotgun) Hey, you notice how their backs...
NC (vo): ...are to us right now?...
(NC "shoots" thrice)
NC (vo): Of course, having half your crew killed and your life threatened doesn't mean you can't get smashed the exact same night.
(Cut to half-drunk Rick and really drunk Evie having a drink together)
Evie: I know when to say no. (drinks from the bottle)
Rick: And unlike your brother, miss, you, I just don't get.
Evie: I am going to kiss you, Mr. O'Connell.
Rick: Call me Rick.
(NC isn't amused)
NC: Kurt Russell. That would have been a weird...
(Now, Russell's face is in place of Rick's)
NC (vo): ...but badass choice.
NC: I could totally see him in that role!
NC (vo; as Russell portraying Rick): Call me Rick. And, for God's sakes, grow your eyebrows back. What are you doing?
(Evie prepares to kiss Rick, but faints into his hands before doing it)
NC: (as Rick, chuckles) Well, I'd say never on the first date, but this never happens on the first date.
(And Rick just...clicks his tongue in disappointment as it fades to black)
NC: (snickers) Okay, that's the one thing Brendan Fraser could add that nobody else could add! This whole entire performance might be worth it just for that one reaction!
(The scene is repeated)
NC: You hold on to that, Fraser! Let no one take that from you.
(The next day, Rick, Evie and Jonathan discover the corpse of Imhotep)
NC (vo): But they discover Imhotep's corpse and are surprised to find he's still decomposing after all these years. Perhaps it has something to do with the remains of the bugs in his tomb.
(Everyone is again sitting at a campfire, as Evie holds a dead scarab)
Evie: They can stay alive for years, feasting on flesh and corpse.
Rick: So somebody threw these in with our guy and then they slowly ate him alive?
Evie: Very slowly.
NC: Yes, as we already saw, they really take their time there. (The clip of a scarab inside Gad's body is shown briefly) They're like flesh-eating snails.
(One of Rick and Evie's companions is shown holding a container filled with Imhotep's organs as Evie reads a passage on the book)
NC (vo): The other guys find ancient soap dispensers, unaware that they hold some of Imhotep's vital organs. This'll make him happy, though, when he wakes up after Doof and Doofus read the passage that resurrects him from the Book of the Dead.
(After Evie reads the passage, Imhotep's mummified corpse is shown coming to life and roaring. A clip of Evil Dead showing Ash screaming is shown)
NC: See how much cooler that would be?
(We are shown several scenes of the main characters being chased by locusts and scarabs)
NC (vo): This unleashes a plague of fake-ass locusts, sadly not led by James Earl Jones. (An image of Kokumo (Jones) from Exorcist II: The Heretic is shown) All hell starts to break loose as even more of those bugs are released. (The scarabs are shown quickly killing a man, leaving his skeleton behind) Still eating people super-slowly, as you can see.
Evie: Very slowly.
NC: You know, has anyone considered she has no idea what she's talking about?
(Rick and Evie are shown being confronted by Imhotep, who's currently in mummy skeleton form)
NC (vo): Thus, only an hour in, we finally get our mummy, and...
(Imhotep's mummy form is brought to life with early motion capture CGI)
NC: Pretty sure Legends of the Hidden Temple...
NC (vo): ...would've done him better.
Imhotep: (speaking Egyptian) Come with me, my Princess Anck-su-Namun.
NC (vo): Yeah, it's...pretty bad. I mean, given the time period, it's...pretty bad.
NC: Okay, now we're trying to do a Trollface...
(Imhotep's face is shown with an image of a Trollface, as well as an image of a Fighting Tree from The Wizard of Oz)
NC (vo): ...if it was on a tree from The Wizard of Oz.
NC: What are we doing?!
NC (vo): Fraser saves her by blasting his Imho-dick. (Rick shoots Imhotep to pieces. As he, Evie and Jonathan escape, they are confronted by the Medjay) But the crucified schmucks block them off.
Ardeth: I told you to leave or die. You refused. Now you may have killed us all.
NC: You know, I love the way this guy says everything. No matter what he's talking about, I feel like it should always be followed by "Man!" or "You know?"
(When we are shown Ardeth speaking, we hear NC saying "Man!" and "You know" at the end of every sentence Ardeth says)
Ardeth: I told you to leave or die. (Man!) You refused. (You know?) Now you may have killed us all. (Man!)
Rick: Relax, I got him.
Ardeth: No mortal weapon can kill this creature. (You know?) He's not of this world. (Man!)
(Beni is shown being confronted by Imhotep)
NC (vo): But Immotep comes across Beni, who quite amusingly prays to every religion he can think of.
(Beni takes out various religious necklaces and prays in various languages as Imhotep walks towards him)
Bartok: Actually, considering how long you've been dead, you look pretty good.
Imhotep: (speaks Egyptian) The language of the slaves. I may have use for you. And the rewards... (brings out pieces of gold) ...will be great.
(NC is confused at what Imhotep just did)
NC: Were you just keeping those in your pelvic bone?
NC (vo): You have no skin, you have no clothes. There's nowhere else you could keep it.
NC: This really needs an answer despite how much I don't want it!
(And we go to a commercial. When we return, we see Rick and Evie arguing while they're packing and unpacking)
NC (vo): So Fraser suggests they leave, Weisz suggests they stay, and the rest of us debate if this sounds more like Will and Grace or Mad About You.
Rick: I told you not to play around with that thing. Didn't I tell you not to play around with that thing?
Evie: Yes, then me, me, me, me, I, I, I woke him up, and I intend to stop him.
Rick: Yeah? How? You heard the man. No mortal weapons can kill this guy.
NC: Christ, at this point, I take Archer in this role!
(The face of Sterling Archer from the animated series with the same name is on Rick's face now)
NC (vo; as Archer portraying Rick): Look, you can either tag along with me or stay here and try to save the world. Do you want mummies? 'Cause this is how you get mummies. (Evie closes the trunk on Rick's fingers) OHHH, NOOOOO!
(Rick and Jonathan are shown in a bar, and a veteran pilot captain Winston Havlock comes up to them)
NC (vo): Fraser goes to the bar to get hammered, where an ex-pilot talks about his woes about there being no adventures anymore. I'm sure absolutely nothing in the near future will tie into this.
Havlock: ...chucked it in with the others and gone down in flame and glory, instead of sitting around here rotting of boredom and booze.
NC (vo): ...actually is him. (Mr. Chairman from The Rescuers is shown, who, like Havlock, was played by Bernard Fox)
NC: (after a beat) Random. (The picture "The More You Know" slides up to a harp glissando)
(Beni and Imhotep, who's wearing a cloak and a mask, find Bernard Burns and capture him. Burns' eyes are shown to be bandaged, as Beni has cut them out)
NC (vo): The mummy and Beni locate one of the people who took the sacred jars.
Beni: But I am afraid more is needed.
Burns: (whimpering) What?...
Beni: The prince must finish the job and consummate the curse...
Bartok: I guess a curse just ain't what it used to be, huh, sir?
Beni: ...which you and your friends have brought down upon yourselves.
Burns: Wait! No!
(Imhotep takes off the mask, revealing his skeleton face, and Burns screams in terror)
NC: (as Burns; screams, but stops and speaks calmly) On a side note, that was very nice of you to fill me in before you kill me. I mean, I know you got a lot on your plate right now, and time is probably of the essence, so it was very considerate of you to do... (resumes screaming)
(Evie and Rick discover Imhotep, and Rick points his gun on the mummy)
Rick: We are in serious trouble.
NC: You know, I should probably count how many times a good one-liner is instead replaced by Brendan Fraser making a stupid face and stating the obvious.
Rick: We are in serious trouble.
(The picture of Rick saying "Here we go again" is shown, with the "Derp counter" starting with 1. Each time it counts, NC says "Derp")
Rick: That happens a lot around here. (2) / I'll be seeing you again. (3) / These guys just don't quit, do they? (4) / This just keeps gettin' better and better. (5) / We are in very serious trouble. (The number is now 6, but this time, the caption "You already did that one!" appears in yellow)
(Just as Imhotep is about to attack Evie, he notices a white cat on the piano, gets frightened and flees. After that, Rick, Evie and Jonathan find Ardeth Bay and Dr. Bey together)
NC (vo): The mummy moves in on Weisz, but gets pussy whipped being afraid of cats, who are revealed to be the guardians of the Underworld. Weisz's boss was in cahoots with the Cruciform Dorks and helped him in their terrible job of protecting the world.
Dr. Bey: Apparently, even after 3,000 years...
Ardeth: He's still in love with her. (Man!) Perhaps he will once again try to raise her from the dead. (You know?)
(The solar eclipse is occurring)
Jonathan: And he stretched forth his hand towards the heavens, and there was darkness throughout...
NC: Oh, yeah, because that brother character is entirely useless, they try to justify him by having him quote the Bible every time something plaguey happens.
Jonathan: And there was darkness throughout the land of Egypt. / And the rivers and waters of Egypt ran red and were as blood.
NC: Oh, shut up, VeggieTales, you're still pointless!
(Rick takes Evie in his hands, drops her on the bed and locks her up)
NC (vo): So Fraser decides to lock Weisz in her room, leave the other rogues to look after her, and bring the brother with him to find Imhotep.
Rick: She doesn't come out, and no one goes in, right?
Isaac Henderson (Stephen Dunham): Right.
Rick: Let's go, Jonathan.
NC: Wow. Every single one of those choices was wrong!
NC (vo): She (Evie) knows the most about the mummy, so she should go along. They're (Isaac and David) more qualified to fight, so they should go along. And he (Jonathan), I refer you back to useless.
NC: Does anyone know how to do their job in this movie?
NC (vo): I guess he didn't want a repeat of what happened: him running into Beni, the mummy killing another scrounger, putting the moves on Weisz, a plague happening and being scared by a cat.
NC: So, what happens?
NC (vo): He runs into Beni, the mummy kills another scrounger, puts the moves on Weisz, a plague happens, and he's scared by a cat.
(Cut to a clip from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, showing the characters in a shrinking room)
Mr. Salt: We've just come through there!
NC (vo): Yeah, with the exception of the explanation with Weisz's boss, which, even then, I feel we could have figured out, the past eight minutes are just a repeat and totally should've been deleted. But, at least two more souls are sucked dry, which means the mummy must look at least a little more realistic now...
(Imhotep is almost back to his human form, but, as he orders to attack, his mouth isn't quite normal, so his CGI jaw almost drops to the ground)
NC: ...as realistic as a cartoon mouth app on your phone. (The clip from McDonald's Fish McBites commercial, showing the app named "MouthOff", is shown) Is this mummy meant to be scary or adorable? I'm gonna say "ascarable".
(Imhotep's army of slaves is coming for Rick, Evie, Jonathan, Dr. Bey and Ardeth)
NC (vo): Imhotep hypnotizes an army and forces them to go after our heroes.
(Evie reads the Egyptian symbols on the wall to figure out the way to the golden Book of Amun-Ra and stop the invasion)
Evie: Patience is a virtue...
(The slaves break into the building)
Rick: Not right now, it isn't.
(The "Derp counter" goes up to 7 and NC says "Derp")
NC (vo): They escape through the back, but the mummy has a extra trick up his sleeve.
(Imhotep appears to have entered the building...but he just roars)
NC (vo): Okay. Glad you got that out of your system.
(The group tries to escape in a car, but are ultimately captured. Imhotep walks up to them, and he's finally back to being human again)
NC (vo): The army eventually corners them, as the fully regenerated Imhotep approaches. And is Weisz is anything like she was earlier, she's probably like...
NC: (as Evie, smiling eagerly) Ooh! That's what he looks like when put together?
Imhotep: Keetah mi pharos...
NC: (as Evie) Whatever he's asking, yes.
Beni: (translating) "Come with me, my princess. Take my hand, and I will spare your friends."
Bartok: Is this the face of a bat who would lie to you?
(Evie agrees to accompany Imhotep)
NC (vo): She decides to go with him, under the condition that he spares her friends. He agrees...to disagree.
Imhotep: (speaking Egyptian) Kill them all!
Evie: No! Let go of me!
NC: It was the noble...stupid thing to do.
(Dr. Bey tells Rick, Jonathan and Ardeth to save Evie, as he is attacked by the slaves)
NC (vo): Her boss sacrifices himself so the rest can escape, and they go to Chairman Mouse for the use of his plane.
(The three find Havlock relaxing in the desert)
Havlock: What's the challenge, then?
Rick: Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy and save the world.
NC: (as Havlock, adjusts jacket) Oh, one of these bullshit movies! Right-o!
(Havlock's plane takes off. Meanwhile, Imhotep, Beni and Evie also travel to the desert via vortex. Surprisingly, these isn't an inch of sand on their faces)
NC (vo): Imhotep travels via Warp Whistle, and I gotta say, for being in the sandstorm, they look pretty damn good. But Mr. Sandman isn't done yet.
(Imhotep unleashes a powerful sandstorm on the plane)
NC: My God!
NC (vo): This must be Anakin Skywalker's worst nightmare!
(The clip from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones is shown)
Anakin: I don't like sand.
(Imhotep's face is formed in the storm)
NC: Look out!
NC (vo): Sand F. Murray Abraham!
(Imhotep opens his mouth, trapping the plane, but it's still blue sky inside the sandstorm)
NC (vo): He swallows the plane up, though, I guess, not too deep, seeing how there's plenty of blue sky inside, but Weisz has an idea.
(Evie kisses Imhotep on the lips, distracting him and stopping the sandstorm)
NC: (as Rick, gesturing frantically) Oh, God, now the storm's tongue is attacking us! What's going on?!
(Havlock's plane crashes down)
NC (vo): But it appears to not be enough.
Beni: (to Imhotep leaving) I like the whole sand wall trick. It was beautiful...bastard.
NC: (as Imhotep, channeling Rick from Rick and Morty) You don't need to impress me, Morty.
(Rick runs to the crashed plane and finds Havlock dead)
NC (vo): Sadly, the only character I sympathize with, the drunk who just wants to die, gets killed. But if we're lucky, maybe we can go for two.
(Back at the tomb in Hamunaptra, as Rick and Ardeth wander around it, Jonathan screams upon seeing that a scarab has crawled inside his hand)
NC: Yes! Very slowly eat him alive!
Evie: Very slowly.
(Rick cuts the beetle out of Jonathan's shoulder)
NC (vo): Sadly, he's saved, but Imhotep hears them and sends his biggest threat yet...mummies that are actually there!
(Imhotep blows on the wall, and his mummified priests come to life. And yes, these are people in costumes, not the motion capture)
NC: Oh, my God! They're actually...
NC (vo): ...right in front of us! I mean, really right there! It's not Jar-Jar shit!
NC (vo): Oh, whoops. Don't worry, we still got the fake shit over here.
(Imhotep prepares to sacrifice Evie as part of Anck-su-Namun's resurrection ritual. The same effect of the latter's soul returning to her body is used)
NC: Yeah, surprisingly, playing the exact same effect...
NC (vo): ...doesn't make it look any more real. It still looks like a Smurf...
NC: ...sneezed milk through his nose.
(Anck-su-Namun's soul returns to her body. Rick and Jonathan arrive just in time and free Evie)
NC (vo): The mummy of Imhotep's bride comes to life, though, but before he can make the human sacrifice, Fraser saves the day.
Imhotep: Im yub set na.
NC: (puzzled) They forgot to subtitle that scene, so I'll just throw my own in.
(The scene of Imhotep saying this is shown again, but with the "translation": "I want a Twinkie". Rick fights the mummies and statue, but Imhotep just watches)
NC (vo): And for creature as powerful as a god, Imhotep doesn't really do that much, outside of just watching them fight and go, "Thank God I'm not the butt-ugly CGI Rock (Dwayne Johnson) in the shitty-ass sequel." And when he does finally fight, he just utilizes more Mario Paint effects.
(Imhotep decides to take the matter in his own hands by literally lifting Rick by his neck and...opening his mouth very wide)
NC: (snickers) You know, call me crazy, but dropping your jaw like...
NC (vo): ...the Patrick the starfish meme... (The famous picture of dumbfounded Patrick Star sitting with jaw agape from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie is shown)
NC: ...doesn't seem particularly scary.
NC (vo): Look at that! Did the Genie lend you some acting advice or something? (Screenshot of Genie from Aladdin dropping his jaw in shock and confusion is followed)
NC: This was meant to be a Disney film, right?
(Evie reads from the Book of Amun-Ra, which makes Imhotep mortal and gives a change for Rick to finish him off)
NC (vo): But Weisz reads one last passage that takes away his invincibility, making him mortal.
(Imhotep sinks into the River of Death, vowing revenge. As he speaks, another "translation subtitle" appears, saying "Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe." The tomb starts collapsing, and Rick, Jonathan and Evie escape, but Beni doesn't make it outside)
NC (vo): Of course, everything starts falling apart, and Beni is left behind in the treasure room.
(Having accidentally set off another trap, Beni is surrounded by the swarm of scarabs)
NC (vo; as a scarab): Hello. We'll be your comeuppance for the evening.
Bartok: This can only end in tears!
(The screen starts fading to black)
NC (vo; as Beni): At least you'll very slowly eat me. (as a scarab) What dumbass told you that?
(Beni's screaming is heard as the beetles consume him)
Evie: Very slowly.
(Rick, Jonathan and Evie, as well as their camels, run away as Hamunaptra collapses into the sand)
NC: Run, camels, run! I care more about you than any of the main characters!
(Rick and Evie share a big kiss)
NC: (as Rick) I'm only kissing you 'cause I think I'm gonna get hanged later.
Jonathan: (comes up to his camel) How 'bout you, darling? Would you like a little kissy-wissy?
(The camel breathes at Jonathan, and he waves the bad breath away)
NC (vo): Well, it's no camel fart, but his entire character is close enough.
(The three ride away as the sun sets. The movie ends)
NC: So that was the remake, not the original, of The Mummy. Does it hold up?
(Footage of the film play out as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): No, but I don’t think that was really the point. It’s kind of like a high-budget B-movie, self-aware and silly and over-the-top. Some would say the bigger budget makes it less of a B-movie, but look at these effects. They look like the effects of today’s B-movies. So I feel like it still kind of qualifies. On top of that, it is still visually pleasant and fairly imaginative that I think, for a silly little waste of time, it’s fine. It’s in no way comparable to the original, but I think even the makers of the film knew that it wasn’t going to be. The best way I can put it is “enjoyably dated”.
(The clips from the movie are shown as NC gives his final thoughts)
NC: Right, now we're going to talk about the mummy movie that's worth talking about!
(Then, the Angry Video Game Nerd (James Rolfe) appears in his Nerd Room)
Nerd: You said it, Critic!
NC: NEEEERRRRRRRR!!- Wait, what are you doing here?
Nerd: I want to help you talk about the mummy movie that's worth talking about.
NC: Oh, of course! With your love of monster movies, it only makes sense that you want to talk about...
Nerd: ...the 2017 Tom Cruise version.
NC: What, are you out of your mind?!
Nerd: No. But the movie is! It's one of the most dumb-ass reboots ever, and we need to talk about it.
NC: Yeah, but, what about the original Mummy?
Nerd: You mean the 1932 classic with Boris Karloff and the Kharis series starring Lon Chaney Jr., or the 1959 Hammer version with Christopher Lee? You mean, the good ones? I already talked about them on Cinemassacre, here's the link!
(The link to the mummy review on Cinemassacre appears below NC)
NC: What the-, don't advertise your channel on my channel!