The Most INSANE Christmas Rom Rom
December 11, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC intro play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Around this time of year, I like to snuggle up on the couch and watch a good Christmas B-movie.
(Cut to a clip of Bee Movie)
Barry B. Benson (Jerry Seinfeld): You like jazz?
NC (vo): NO!
(A giant foot is edited in, stomping down on Barry, Monty Python style. Then cut to a montage of Christmas B-movie titles...)
NC (vo): Films like A Christmas Prince, The Knight Before Christmas, Dear Santa, The Perfect Holiday, Merry Kissmas...
NC: Oh, I know you call them Christmas rom-coms, but let's not kid ourselves here, they're Christmas B-movies.
(The montage continues, with Christmas Inheritance, A Christmas Kiss, Christmas With a Prince)
NC (vo): They're films we know are bad, have a good laugh at how corny they are, and are aware there's a right and wrong way to do them.
(Cut to a shot of the poster for the Netflix movie, The Princess Switch)
NC (vo): The Princess Switch is done right.
(Cut now to a poster for Last Christmas)
NC (vo): Last Christmas is not.
(More comparisons between the two are shown)
NC (vo): The difference is, one knows what it is and doesn't try to convince us it's something more.
(A montage of the following images are superimposed, one at a time: a guy wearing a Christmas sweater with the head of a reindeer poking out through a wreath...)
NC (vo): It's that ugly sweater...
(...a bunch of old guys singing a Christmas song together...)
NC (vo): ...that lame-ass carol...
(...a glass ornament of a nutcracker in the form of a Mexican bandito)
NC (vo): ...that crappy ornament you know is tacky as sin, but it still screams "Christmas" to you. These movies have become big bucks in the past decade, with channels dedicating entire months to them, streaming services making their own...
(Cut to a shot of a T-shirt reading "THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS ROM-COM BINGING OUTFIT")
NC (vo): ...even T-shirts are made celebrating this comfort food of stupidity.
NC: But as these Christmas movies go, one stands out as the most insane, one that is light-years crazier than all the others: Holiday in Handcuffs.
(The movie's title is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
NC (vo): Presumably named after its own (An image of a female Christmas whore is superimposed, along with this movie's title) porno parody, this movie aired in 2007 and was ABC Family's most-watched telecast in its history. In a very strange way, I can see why. Starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez, this film does everything in its power to push all logic, all intelligence, any sense of reason out the window of a ten-story building.
(Cut to a clip from Batman Returns where Max Schreck pushes Selina Kyle (with the word "LOGIC" written on her face) out a window, shattering it, and sending her to fall to her death as she tears through an awning on the way down. Then cut back to Holiday in Handcuffs)
NC (vo): What makes it so crazy it has to be seen to be believed? Well, we're gonna see it to believe it.
NC: So strap on in and throw away the key! (pauses awkwardly, then shakes head) I don't care how you take that, the movie clearly wouldn't. This is the absolute insanity...of Holiday in Handcuffs.
(The movie opens with Gertrude "Trudie" Marie Chandler, played by Hart, as she drives along through a snowy area)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, Melissa Joan Hart starts off saying what every crazy person starts off saying...
Trudie: (voiceover narration) I'm not crazy. I'm a long way from crazy.
NC: (as Trudie) There was a talking cat, my aunts were witches, and people watched it! (pounds fist on table) PEOPLE WATCHED IT! (points to himself) I'M NOT NUTS!
NC (vo): She picks up Mario Lopez, who says what many of us thought after seeing God's Not Dead 2...
David Martin (Lopez): (gasping for breath) You...are...the Devil!
(Cut back to eighteen hours later, on December 23 (shown in text below), as we see Trudie asleep in her bed in an apartment as her clock reads 7:15, which then starts buzzing, waking her up)
NC (vo): And we flash back to how Sabrina abducted Slater, as this uncapitalized caption tells us.
(Trudie walks toward her table)
Trudie: (narrating) The day started out like every other day...
(The camera zooms in on a bottle of wine on her table)
NC (vo): (narrating) With a bottle of wine.
(Trudie is trying to heat up a carton of Chinese food with a hairdryer)
NC (vo): Wow, a woman down on her luck with a gigantic city apartment?
NC: Let's look at...
NC (vo): ...the rom-com economy sheet again.
(A pie chart is superimposed, representing a rom-com economy, which shows how only a small piece of the pie (a tiny sliver, really) shows how a person in a rom-com is poor and the rest of the whole pie shows how a person is rich, which is what Trudie is apparently)
NC (vo): Yep, looks right.