The Most INSANE Christmas Rom Rom
December 11, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC intro play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Around this time of year, I like to snuggle up on the couch and watch a good Christmas B-movie.
(Cut to a clip of Bee Movie)
Barry B. Benson (Jerry Seinfeld): You like jazz?
NC (vo): NO!
(A giant foot is edited in, stomping down on Barry, Monty Python style. Then cut to a montage of Christmas B-movie titles...)
NC (vo): Films like A Christmas Prince, The Knight Before Christmas, Dear Santa, The Perfect Holiday, Merry Kissmas...
NC: Oh, I know you call them Christmas rom-coms, but let's not kid ourselves here, they're Christmas B-movies.
(The montage continues, with Christmas Inheritance, A Christmas Kiss, Christmas With a Prince)
NC (vo): They're films we know are bad, have a good laugh at how corny they are, and are aware there's a right and wrong way to do them.
(Cut to a shot of the poster for the Netflix movie, The Princess Switch)
NC (vo): The Princess Switch is done right.
(Cut now to a poster for Last Christmas)
NC (vo): Last Christmas is not.
(More comparisons between the two are shown)
NC (vo): The difference is, one knows what it is and doesn't try to convince us it's something more.
(A montage of the following images are superimposed, one at a time: a guy wearing a Christmas sweater with the head of a reindeer poking out through a wreath...)
NC (vo): It's that ugly sweater...
(...a bunch of old guys singing a Christmas song together...)
NC (vo): ...that lame-ass carol...
(...a glass ornament of a nutcracker in the form of a Mexican bandito)
NC (vo): ...that crappy ornament you know is tacky as sin, but it still screams "Christmas" to you. These movies have become big bucks in the past decade, with channels dedicating entire months to them, streaming services making their own...
(Cut to a shot of a T-shirt reading "THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS ROM-COM BINGING OUTFIT")
NC (vo): ...even T-shirts are made celebrating this comfort food of stupidity.
NC: But as these Christmas movies go, one stands out as the most insane, one that is light-years crazier than all the others: Holiday in Handcuffs.
(The movie's title is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
NC (vo): Presumably named after its own (An image of a female Christmas whore is superimposed, along with this movie's title) porno parody, this movie aired in 2007 and was ABC Family's most-watched telecast in its history. In a very strange way, I can see why. Starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez, this film does everything in its power to push all logic, all intelligence, any sense of reason out the window of a ten-story building.
(Cut to a clip from Batman Returns where Max Schreck pushes Selina Kyle (with the word "LOGIC" written on her face) out a window, shattering it, and sending her to fall to her death as she tears through an awning on the way down. Then cut back to Holiday in Handcuffs)
NC (vo): What makes it so crazy it has to be seen to be believed? Well, we're gonna see it to believe it.
NC: So strap on in and throw away the key! (pauses awkwardly, then shakes head) I don't care how you take that, the movie clearly wouldn't. This is the absolute insanity...of Holiday in Handcuffs.
(The movie opens with Gertrude "Trudie" Marie Chandler, played by Hart, as she drives along through a snowy area)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, Melissa Joan Hart starts off saying what every crazy person starts off saying...
Trudie: (voiceover narration) I'm not crazy. I'm a long way from crazy.
NC: (as Trudie) There was a talking cat, my aunts were witches, and people watched it! (pounds fist on table) PEOPLE WATCHED IT! (points to himself) I'M NOT NUTS!
NC (vo): She picks up Mario Lopez, who says what many of us thought after seeing God's Not Dead 2...
David Martin (Lopez): (gasping for breath) You...are...the Devil!
(Cut back to eighteen hours earlier, to December 23 (shown in text below), as we see Trudie asleep in her bed in an apartment as her clock reads 7:15, which then starts buzzing, waking her up)
NC (vo): And we flash back to how Sabrina abducted Slater, as this uncapitalized caption tells us.
(Trudie walks toward her table)
Trudie: (narrating) The day started out like every other day...
(The camera zooms in on a bottle of wine on her table)
NC (vo): (narrating) With a bottle of wine.
(Trudie is trying to heat up a carton of Chinese food with a hairdryer)
NC (vo): Wow, a woman down on her luck with a gigantic city apartment?
NC: Let's look at...
NC (vo): ...the rom-com economy sheet again.
(A pie chart is superimposed, representing a rom-com economy, which shows how only a small piece of the pie (a tiny sliver, really) shows how a person in a rom-com is poor and the rest of the whole pie shows how a person is rich, which is what Trudie apparently is)
NC (vo): Yep, looks right.
(Trudie's parents, Richard and Katherine (played by Richard Bottoms and Markie Post) are talking to her from their home in a fancy log cabin)
Trudie: (on the phone) Hi, Mom.
Katherine: (on phone) Hi, honey.
NC (vo): She gets a call from her family, in their own log mansion, as they tell her what to wear and how to act for their Christmas get-together.
Trudie: (on phone) You told Mr. Portnoy that I don't have any sales experience, right?
Richard: (on phone) Oh, what do you mean? You sold him lemonade.
Trudie: When I was ten, when he called me "Little Foodie".
NC: (staring awkwardly) Well, that's a story.
Richard: I just said you're a late bloomer but that you're ready to get your life together.
NC: I'm glad George W. Bush found peace...
(Richard is played by Timothy Bottoms who played Geroge W. Bush in the show "That's My Bush!")
NC (vo): ...after his presidency. According to this documentary, (A poster for the show, "That's My Bush!", is shown) it was quite trying.
Trudie: Oh My god!
(Trudie puts down the phone and runs)
NC (vo): She runs late to an interview, but not so late she can't let people cut ahead.
(Trudie motions for a guy to go, but he hits her car)
Guy: (yelling at her) YOU... (a horn beeps, muting out the word)
NC: Heh, they literally beeped him out.
NC (vo): As she misses the interview, but goes on anyway.
(Trudie arrives at the office and starts pounding on the glass windows)
Trudie: Mr. Portnoy, it's me! Come on! I make more money than (shows the employees have leaned out of their cubicles to stare at her) than any other girl in the streets!
(The receptionist picks up the phone)
Receptionist: We have a code red up here.
NC (vo; as the receptionist): Ex-sitcom actress trying to get job, ex-sitcom actress trying to get job.
NC (vo): She goes to her real work as a waitress and reveals she messed up her hair, and accidentally wore her Christmas dress.
Trudie: Nick's coming with me.
Lucy: I guess elitist jackasses aren't my type; there not yours either.
Trudie: So his family owns banks. What's wrong with wealthy and successful for a change?
NC: A change?! You're a waitress and you Kobe in that (shows Trudie's apartment) place! What kind of rich aren't you?!
Manager: Get to work! Or you'll be out in the gutter!
Lucy: He would not keep his great-grandfather's gun here if he knew how close I came to killing him everyday!
NC: Oh, don't talk about Chekhov's Gun like that way.
NC (vo): Her boyfriend drops by, and...well, he's bad, stuck-up rich, not good, poor rich.
Nick (Mario Lopez): I think I'm going to pass on the whole holiday song and dance.
NC (vo; as Nick): I'm off to be Billy Zane acting as Mark Ruffalo.
Trudie: Why did you tell me you were going to come home with me for Christmas if you were never gonna do it?!
Nick: Because, I knew that's what you wanted to hear. You know, and we haven't had sex yet, so... see you later.
NC: (as Nick) Sorry, I didn't know that...
(Cut back to the movie, as a poster for An In the Company of Men Christmas is superimposed briefly)
NC (vo; as Nick): ...An In the Company of Men Christmas was being shot at the same time.
Trudie: Wait! If you walk out that door now...we are so over. (Nick turns and stares at her)
NC: Uh, I think you're so over...
NC (vo): ...making a scene like that in a restaurant.
(Then David Martin (also played by Lopez) enters the restaurant, talking on his cell phone)
David: Hey, what's up? I'm waiting for Jessica.
NC (vo): Lopez enters the place... You can tell by the audience going... (Audience is heard whooping and cheering) ...as apparently Hart's Quaaludes kicked in.
(As Trudie watches nervously, she has flashbacks to her childhood)
NC: (shrugs) Todd Phillips' Harley Quinn movie is showing some real promise. (nods)
NC (vo): Her mother calls in the middle of her anxiety attack and thankfully calms her down...
Katherine: (on phone) Are you trying to ruin Christmas?
NC: She seems nice.
NC (vo): ...as Hart says she's bringing her boyfriend, which [sic] she has now decided is this perfect stranger who entered the restaurant.
Trudie: (to David) You're coming with me.
David: I'm not sure what government-sponsored work program you're part of, but I–
(He is interrupted, however, as she pulls a pistol on him, cocking it)
NC: So, yeah, we're only at the ten-minute mark.
(The scene of Trudie pulling her gun on David is repeated)
NC (vo): Don't your Christmas rom-coms usually hit this point around now?
David: You're kidding, right?
(Trudie grabs him and pushes him along through the restaurant, out the back door)
Trudie: Move it!
David: Hey, watch it!
(David is brought by Trudie to her car)
NC (vo): He uses his wrestling moves to escape her...
(He tries to pull a martial arts move on her, only to slip on the wet, snowy pavement and fall down, knocking himself out)
NC (vo): It doesn't work. ...as he's knocked out and she drags him into the car and ties him up.
NC: To be fair, I understand her stress.
NC (vo): Having an easy job and a rich apartment, about to spend Christmas in a luxury cabin.
NC: (shaking head) Who wouldn't go bananas at this point?
(Trudie is driving down the road with David in the passenger seat. He undoes the blindfold she put on him)
David: (holding onto a strap in her car) Look, I'm not sure what's going on or what you want from me...
NC: (as David, imitating his pose) But I'm into it! You don't even need to steal my wallet; I'll pay.
NC (vo): She tells him she wants to convince her family that he's her boyfriend, and if he doesn't cooperate, she'll...
(She pulls her gun on him as a clip from Fargo plays in the corner)
Carl Showalter (Steve Buscemi): You know, shoot ya.
David: Your boyfriend dumped you!
Trudie: No, I told you, he couldn't make it!
David: (not believing her) Right...
NC: I love how he treats it like it's a mild inconvenience.
Trudie: You don't exactly have a choice, Dwayne.
David: (rolls eyes) It's David.
NC: (as David) Let me go! I have five auditions...
(Cut to an image of Mario Lopez's IMDB page, showing a part of his TV filmography where he plays himself)
NC (vo): ...where I have to play myself!
NC: So I don't really know why I'm auditioning...
(Trudie pulls up to an old gas station)
NC (vo): This'll raise no questions.
Gas station owner: (to Trudie, seeing David blindfolded in the car) Whoa, what's going on here, sweetheart?
Trudie: That's my boyfriend. The wild kind of weekend, the tie-me-up, tie-me-down kind.
Owner: Yeah, uh, you better come with me, young lady. (takes her arm)
Trudie: (hastily) All right!
NC: Well, what does she think was gonna happen?
(In the movie, the owner comes out holding a box of "Love Cuffs", which are a pair of handcuffs in fluffy red padding)
NC (vo; surprised): Wow!
NC: (wide-eyed) I didn't think that was gonna happen!
Owner: (giving the Love Cuffs to Trudie) These are on the house, honey.
(He laughs as he takes them out of the box and gives them to Trudie, who is impressed)
Trudie: Oh... Oh! (takes the cuffs) Thanks.
NC: (as the owner) I took it off the corpse of (gestures behind him) that prostitute I have stashed in the back.
(Having handcuffed herself to David, Trudie drives off as the gas station owner watches)
Owner: Lucky little bastard...
NC (vo; as owner): Mmm, this movie should've been called Very Merry Iffy Stuff Your Grandma Will Glare At, But Your Mother Will Find Edgy Christmas.
Trudie: I'd like to apologize for earlier for raising my voice...
NC: (as Trudie) And absolutely nothing else. Small goals.
Trudie: I think it's safe to say I've lost my job at Tahj's Diner Deluxe, I live in a crappy loft downtown...
NC: CRAPPY LOFT?!?
(Shots of Trudie's not-so-crappy apartment loft are shown)
NC (vo): Stuck-up, trust fund baby bitch, born with a silver spoon shoved up your ass! Crappy loft!
(Cut to Trudie's parents' isolated mountain cabin, as Trudie's car pulls up in front of it)
NC (vo; as Trudie): This is my crappy log cabin. It only has four hot tubs! (normal) She enters the house and tells her parents the truth. Well, her truth.
Trudie: Sometimes, when Nick feels awkward in a social situation, he does this whole "I didn't want to be here, I've been kidnapped" thing.
NC: Right. (holds up cell phone and pushes a button) 911 on speed dial. (puts phone to his ear) She's taken another one.
(Trudie's parents having bought her story, all three of them hug David as he comes inside)
NC (vo): So...of course this works, as they don't believe any of his cries for help.
David: (accusatory tone) This woman held me at gunpoint (Trudie rolls her eyes) and brought me to this house as her hostage! (Trudie's parents laugh) Your daughter is a crazy, dangerous criminal!
Katherine: (excitedly) Yes, she is! (laughs)
NC: (as David) Do you have any idea how many Netflix documentaries are gonna be made about this?!
Trudie: Okay, well, I'm gonna go help Mom with the eggnog.
(She and her mother leave, leaving David alone with Richard, who exhales awkwardly while David stares. Then, after a beat, Richard laughs again and points at David)
Richard: Come on.
NC: (stunned) The hell was that about?!
NC (vo): Maybe it finally sunk in what kind of movie they agreed to.
(Richard exhaling and David staring is replayed)
NC (vo; as Richard): Ah, it's a paycheck. Let's get this over with.
Trudie: Mother, I was wondering if I could be keymaster this year.
(Cut to a clip of Ghostbusters, showing Louis Tully, having been possessed by Vinz Clortho the Keymaster)
Louis/Vinz: (running around and yelling) YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!
(Cut back to Holiday in Handcuffs)
Trudie: The idea of being forcibly trapped with the holidays used to bother me, but now I see the...higher social purpose.
NC: Spoken like a true cult leader.
Richard: (to David) No phones in the house.
David: What about a cell phone?
Richard: The keymaster's got all the cell phones.
NC: (as Richard) I call him Dick Cheney.
NC (vo; as Richard): I told him one day there's gonna be a President that does nothing but use his phone. (chuckles) He'll make me look good.
(Just then, Trudie's brother and sister, Jake and Katie (played by Kyle Howard and Vanessa Lee Evigan) come in)
Jake: (excitedly) Hey!
Katie: Oh, Dad!
NC (vo): More family members arrive to benignly ignore the possible start of a human trafficking business.
David: (to Jake) Look, Jake... Is it Jake? You look like a reasonable person.
NC: (as Jake) Actually, I look like a failed experiment...
(Cut back to Jake, along with images of Stephen Dorff and Robert Wuhl)
NC (vo; as Jake): ...to clone Stephen Dorff and Robert Wuhl at the same time.
Trudie's Mother: (taking Nick to a bedroom) Nick, you'll be in here and–
Trudie: (stopping her mother and brother) Mom, I'm 27 years old; I'm gonna sleep in the same bedroom as my boyfriend. End of story.
NC: (shaking head) That wonderful moment you realize (holds up two fingers) if these genders...
(Trudie and her mother and brother are shown again)
NC (vo): ...were switched...
NC: (nods) ...this would be the most terrifying horror film ever made!
(In another bedroom, there is a bunk bed, with Trudie sleeping on the lower bed and David on the upper bed)
David: Yeah, you'd better get used to these bunk beds, because that's what you're gonna be sharing with your new jail buddy.
Trudie: Why don't you try to relax?
NC: (as Trudie) Why can't you be as blissfully ignorant as moi? (holds up hand)
Trudie: You might as well try and get a good night sleep 'cause we have a couple of big days ahead of us, shnookums.
NC (vo; low voice, with accompanying text popping up in yellow): JUST A BRIEF REMINDER, YOUR ROM COM IS SICK. BACK TO YOUR SICK... SICK ROM COM... SICKO!
(In the middle of the night, David tries to sneak out of the house and escape)
NC (vo): He tries escaping, as we drop in on where the movie started.
(Trudie, having noticed him missing, gets in her car and drives after him, catching up with easily as he walks along the side of the road)
Trudie: You've been walking for, what, about an hour? Why don't you just come back to the house? We'll make some hot chocolate, okay?
NC (vo): Freezing in the cold, he gets in the car, grabs her throat, tosses her out the goddamn window, and speeds off to the nearest anything.
NC: D'oh! I mean...
NC (vo): ...they drive back because...adorable.
(The next morning, Trudie is walking down the hall when she gets startled as her phone goes off. She answers it)
NC (vo): It turns out she's hiding a phone, though, as her friend calls. Lopez sees her and he tries to get it.
Katherine: (to David) Good morning.
Katherine: (putting her arm around David's back) Come on, sit down. I'll make you a special breakfast.
NC (vo; as David): But my salvation– Ah, breakfast.
(Trudie is talking on the phone outside the door as the snow falls)
Trudie: It's not that big of a deal.
Voice on phone: Well, what do you think after the holidays?
(The person calling her is a coworker at the diner)
Coworker: You can't keep him. He's not a puppy.
NC: That goes for you, too! She didn't steal a compact...
NC (vo): ...SHE ABDUCTED A HUMAN BEING!!
NC: Why are they acting like this is an episode of Gilmore Girls?!
David: (to Trudie) Could I borrow your phone, please?
Trudie: (confused) Sorry, I didn't bring my phone.
David: It's in your... (points to the inside of his shirt)
NC (vo; as Katherine): Do I have to frisk you again? This is a healthy family!
(Embarrassed, Trudie takes out her phone, but when David tries to get it from her, she won't let him have it, and he chases her around the kitchen, trying to get it from her)
Trudie: You know, I ran track in high school!
David: Huh, I played football and my nickname was Flash!
Trudie: Ooh, scary!
NC: (sighs, as director) Could somebody tell the stagehand this is...
(The camera zooms in on the window showing the snowy terrain outside)
NC (vo; as director): ...an ice-olated location?
(Trudie puts her phone on the table and then takes out a meat tenderizer, which she raises over her phone)
David: Don't do it!
(Trudie ignores him and smashes her phone to bits with the tenderizer)
NC (vo): She smashes the phone as her mom gives Lopez some different clothes to change into.
(The next scene shows David looking himself in the mirror and wearing said different clothes: a bright orange polo shirt and plaid pants. He frowns heavily)
David: (sighs) This sucks.
NC: (as David) I'm also wondering if I'll ever see anyone I love again, but yeah, these clothes suck. (shakes head)
(Wearing his new clothes, David comes out to join the family for breakfast)
Trudie: Oh, nice look.
Jake: (raising fist in the air) Yeah, Reaganomics!
NC: (as Trudie, whispering) Hey, come on!
(The camera zooms in on Richard, also at the table)
NC (vo; as Trudie): Forty-Three's over there!
Katherine: No! (Everyone stares at her after her outburst) I forgot the extra virgin olive oil.
(Everyone continues to stare at her as the phrase "We are going to die here." appears in yellow)
NC: It is becoming clear more scenes in this movie need horror music.
NC (vo): Lopez offers to go to the store as Hart puts up only...a little fuss.
Katherine: (pointing to Richard) Richard will drive you; go with him.
Trudie: (walking up to her mother in protest) Mom!
(Richard gets up from the table)
Katherine: Some quality time together.
Trudie: (whiny voice) Mom!
Katherine: (getting impatient) Gertrude Marie!
(Trudie rolls her eyes in frustration and turns away)
NC: (as Trudie) Well, if going to prison means avoiding awkwardness with my parents... (sighs and shrugs)
Katie: I just want to know how Trudie hooked up with Nick. He's so hot.
Trudie: Gave him no choice...but to love me.
NC: Sorry, my other personality came out to say hi for a second.
Trudie: Gave him no choice...but to love me.
(Meanwhile, David and Richard pull up to the same gas station as earlier in the movie)
NC (vo): Of course! Out of all the places, where do they drop by? Clearly, this place has virgin olive oil.
(David runs inside the store and up to the gas station owner in a panic, hyperventilating)
David: Mister, you have to help me! I've been kidnapped!
Owner: And she's... She spanks you and does naughty things. (raises hand in the air while jerking his body) Oooh!
David: What are you doing?
NC: (as owner, imitating his pose) Waiting to become a gif!
Richard: (coming into the store) Extra virgin olive oil.
NC: (as owner) Got that off of an Italian chef I murdered! She's also in the back.
(As they drive back home, David tries to grab the steering wheel and run it off the road, but Richard stops him by putting him in an armlock and shoving him back in his seat)
NC: Lopez tries CRASHING THE CAR, but, you know...young'uns.
Richard: Now, don't you worry. This will be our little secret.
NC: It's nice seeing a movie where you know the entire cast is going to hell. (nods)
(On that note, we got a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes back at Trudie's family's retreat, with her grandmother, Dolores (played by June Lockhart), coming in)
NC (vo): So Hart's grandma arrives, played by June Lockhart, and I think I'm starting to see where her desperate horny instincts come from.
Dolores: (seeing David) Oh, just like Paul Newman. Nice, firm...
NC: (his head resting on his hand) Christ, the cougar escaped the zoo.
NC (vo): He [David] finds Hart's brother has a phone and uses it to call his fiance.
(Said fiance picks up. Her name is Jessica Barber (played by Gabrielle Miller))
David: (talking on the phone) I'm a couple hours outside the city north, I think. (looks around) It's a log cabin.
NC (vo; as David): I had plenty of chances to get the address, but I didn't, because reasons.
Jessica: You're serious?
NC (vo): He convinces her to call the cops as he admits to Hart that he got through, but now says he wants to play along and be the best boyfriend he can.
David: I'm gonna be the best boyfriend ever.
Trudie: Why would you do that?
David: Because it's gonna be more satisfying for me when your family learns the truth about you.
NC: Forced but...vindictive. I'll allow this. (hits the table with a gavel)
Richard: (to David) You know, there was a time we thought Trudie, with all her causes, might go to law school like her sister, Katie.
Trudie: Being a democrat is not a cause, Dad.
NC: (as another shot of George Dubya appears in the corner) Dah, that's too easy.
Katherine: She was a little withdrawn as a child.
Trudie: (feeling embarrassed) Okay, Mom.
Katherine: We even paid a little boy down the street to be her friend, but he gave us our money back.
NC: Jesus Christ! I mean, every single part of that that makes sense, but Jesus Christ!
Katherine: So, from then on, it was Trudie and Bobo Blonkers, her imaginary friend.
Trudie: (facepalming herself in embarrassment) Thanks, Mom, thanks a lot.
David: (teasingly) What? What was that? Are you talking to Bobo Blonkers right now?
NC: (shaking head) You're acting like that's not a legit question.
Katherine: Oh, Trudie, would you get another piece of pie, please?
Trudie: Well, he knows where the kitchen is.
Katherine: Are you trying to ruin Christmas?
NC: Is it weird to say I sometimes forget what a mean little movie this is?
NC (vo): They asked Lopez to read "The Night Before Christmas", but Hart is pissed because he's stealing all her traditions. Oh, boo-fuckity-hoo!
(Trudie having run off in a childish tantrum, David follows her, discovering her sulking on her bunk bed in the bedroom)
David: What's the matter with you?
Trudie: What's the matter with me? They're fawning all over you like the last piece of filet mignon.
NC: (as Trudie) Oh, that, and I'll be making toilet ball hoots in Sing Sing, but this is clearly the bigger problem.
NC (vo): But let's get to the real issue pinning everybody against each other: Oreo cookies.
Trudie: Figures you're a dunker.
David: Of course. What are you, a twister? (She is as she pulls the two cookie pieces apart) Ugh. It's so wrong in so many ways.
NC: Is this a fucking Oreo commercial?
NC (vo; singing): ♫ Oh-oh-oh... Life is like an Oreo cookie. You just gotta kidnap a guy and hold him against his will and pretend that he's your boyfriend. (The sound of a door being smashed in is heard) Oh, Jesus, the cops are here! I gotta split! Oh, my God, my car won't start! You know what? (A gun is heard cocking) I'm just going out with guns a-blazin'. ♫ (The sound of gunfire is heard)
(Cut to the end of an Oreo commercial (and its slogan: "For the kid in all of us"))
NC (vo; singing): ♫ Nabisco! ♫ (A ding is heard as the Nabisco logo appears in the corner)
(The movie resumes)
NC (vo): So, they partake in another family tradition of writing letters to Santa.
NC: You know, I'm starting to see why Hart is insane. What kind of bullshit traditions are these?
David: I'm gonna ask for a new, fully-loaded SUV.
Trudie: Hmm, interesting. I'm gonna ask for an end of global warming.
NC: Uh, you should be asking for parole, bitch. (nods and smiles)
David: (reading list) "Chinese teapot"? "Stop disappointing my parents"? Come on, I'm sure that's not true.
Trudie: Believe me, it's true.
NC (vo): Aw. Almost makes me forget she's holding a man hostage. I mean, I don't, because this is all batshit, but I don't know, in some parallel dimension maybe somewhere, I might.
(Meanwhile, David's fiance, Jessica, arrives at the police station in Madison, Wisconsin)
NC (vo): The fiance goes to the cops, and clearly took her time, as it was day out when he called and now it's night!
(Dolores pours alcoholic drinks for everyone)
NC (vo): ...as Grandma gets started on what many of us should have been starting at the beginning of this.
Katherine: Mother, isn't it a little early?
Dolores: Early for who, sugar britches?
Trudie: About last night, I didn't mean to get personal, and you know...
(She is distracted as she sees Katie rising from bending over and putting one of her feet on the chair)
NC (vo; as Trudie): Man, even when I hold a guy a gunpoint, I can't force him to be with me. I think life's handing me a clear sign of "give up".
(Outside, David and Trudie are walking around)
David: So, what do you do for fun?
Trudie: For fun?
David: You know, what are you interested in?
NC: Who gives a shit?! YOU MIGHT DIE!!
(David and Trudie now play a game of chess. He moves his piece across the board)
(She then reaches her hand out to move a piece of her own, but he grabs her wrist, stopping her)
(Holding her wrist, he repeatedly makes her hit her own head with her hand)
David: Why do you keep hitting yourself?
(He then grabs Trudie's other wrist and makes her slap her own cheeks with them)
David: Seriously, what are you doing? Trudie, I'm starting to worry about you now.
(NC stares in wide-eyed confusion. He shifts his eyes left and right)
David: Oh, my gosh, you have to stop that right now.
NC: What's happening here?
NC (vo): Oh, I get it. It's not assault if she does it. (as David) Stop knocking yourself unconscious! Stop knocking yourself unconscious!
David: You can't take something back once it's already done.
Trudie: Even if you realize right away it was wrong and...you're sorry?
NC: No, no, your ass is going to jail. Fucking jail!
NC (vo): Hey, did you know the mom has a fear of underwear? Oh, that's a thing!
Katherine: Sometimes I have dreams that hundreds of pairs of underwear envelop me.
NC: (staring sourly) This is your attempt at deep character study.
Katherine: (to Trudie) Did you know that your father's the only man I have ever slept with? Have you slept with more than one man?
NC (vo): Mmm... This is gonna end with somebody hanging themselves. It's unavoidable at this point.
(Then it's time for the best part of Christmas...)
NC (vo): Presents!
(Pictures of the family are taken)
Richard: Gotta look the part. Greed is good!
Katherine: Your dad found that. It lists every law firm in America.
NC: D'aw! This will go great with their mugshots.
NC: And then...things get awkward. Yeah, now.
Richard: (to Trudie) Get focused on a legitimate career. You're unsettled. You need to find something to do really well.
Trudie: But I have. I do.
NC: (as Trudie) I Patty Hearst people. (gestures behind himself with his thumb) He was playing chess with me upstairs!
NC (vo): It's cool. Her victim sticks up for her.
David: Gertrude Chandler... (Katherine gasps) ...will you marry me?
NC: (nodding) Bet his fiancee is gonna love seeing that on her finger when she bursts in to save his life!
Trudie: That was...something.
David: Well, you know, I figured it may as well give them all the bells and whistles.
Trudie: Thank you.
NC: You're welcome. You're still gonna fry.
Trudie: I'm sorry about everything.
David: To tell you the truth...it hasn't been that bad.
NC: Christ! He doesn't just have Stockholm Syndrome, he has Copenhagen, Oslo, and Helsinki Syndrome! It's a Scandinavian smorgasbord of identifying with their captor!
(Trudie opens the basement door and sees her brother Jake sitting there alone with a drink in his hand. She comes downstairs to join him)
NC (vo; as Jake): Hey, funny story, I'm totally kidnapped, too. I mean, you know you don't have a brother, right? (as Trudie) Yeah, I just figured mom pulled a fast one. apple falling from the tree I guess. (normal) But the grandma is heading out for a drink and Lopez follows.
(David gets in the car with Dolores to try and stop her from driving off)
David: You can't drive. Give me the keys.
Dolores: You want to come along for the ride, Rosebud?
(Suddenly, she hits the gas and, tires squealing, she quickly backs the car out the driveway, screaming with the thrill of it)
NC: (as Dolores) Can't I once stay in a car of my own free will?
(A little up the road, sure enough, Dolores runs the car off the road and crashes into a tree. Trudie runs up to see David get out)
Trudie: Are you all right?
Trudie: What happened to "I'm not trying to escape anymore?"
NC: (as David) Oh, I'm sorry. Did my lust for freedom interrupt your Norman Rockwell shanghaiing shenanigans?
(That night, back at the cabin, the surrounding area gets lit up, thanks to David. Trudie is amazed)
NC (vo): Oh, look! Lopez set up lights so they can see each other while they ice skate. And I thought Belle was the most thoughtful prisoner held by a demented beast.
(Trudie skates around the area while David watches from the gazebo)
NC: How the hell is there even a gazebo there? Do people swim there over the summer?
(Inside, Christmas dinner is being served)
Katherine: Warm bread?
NC (vo): So, at Christmas dinner, the sister admits she's been using her parents' money not to go to school, but to make a Pilates studio; the son comes out as gay; and the parents discovered they might be getting a divorce.
Richard: (to Katherine, angrily) You are the puppetmaster and I am your little...CLOWN!
Katherine: (equally angry) You are the ass who is forcing your children to become mini versions of yourself!
NC: Man, and you thought an abducted human being was the worst prob– No, that's still the worst problem!
(Suddenly, the door bursts open and policemen come charging in)
Cop: Everybody, freeze!
(Startled, everyone gets up from the table, holding up their arms)
NC (vo): Oh, finally! Somebody understands that!
Cop: Reason to believe that woman's guilty of kidnapping.
Richard: Kidnapping?! Who?!?
NC: Tell me it's not the guy who said he was kidnapped.
Dolores: (coming out, holding Trudie's pistol) I don't know who brought home the bacon, but I'm gonna fry it up in a pan!
NC: That is the greatest thing the mother from Lassie will ever say.
Katherine: That's her boyfriend, Nick.
Trudie: No, Mom. It's not.
(Cut to the family behind bars, which suddenly opens as they apparently let go)
NC (vo): So, it's the slammer for them, but it looks like Lopez doesn't press any charges. I'd like to think everybody loses with this.
Cop: (stopping Dolores) Not you, Grambo.
Dolores: Why, officer! What did you have in mind?
NC: (irritated) Will someone give Grandma a ball of string and a gigolo to play with?
Trudie: (to David) Just wanted to say thanks for not pressing charges. I really did it this time.
NC: (surprised) The fuck did you do the other times?
(Suddenly, David's fiance, Jessica, runs up)
Jessica: David! Let's get out of here, honey.
NC (vo; as Jessica): Is this the bitch?!
NC: (as Jessica) You're lucky I don't have my shanking fork! (makes a stabbing motion)
(As David and Jessica, we cut back to the diner, which is now decked out for Valentine's Day)
NC (vo): She walks him off as we cut to... (The word "Valentine's Day" pops up) Valentine's Day? Oh, I see, it's like Nightmare Before Christmas; we don't know what holiday to characterize this as. Like, we don't know if this is a family romance or a psychological thriller.
Lucy: How's the real job search going?
Trudie: Oh, not so great. There's no perfect job, perfect family, perfect guy.
NC: Eh, it could be worse. You could be in FUCKING PRISON, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!!
NC (vo): As Lopez and his fiance are looking at wedding dresses, he feels like he's going from one hostage situation to another.
David: Why me?
Jessica: We're gonna lead a life that most people dream of. You and I are gonna have a fairy tale wedding and a fairy tale life.
NC: (as Jessica) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, so chop off your balls and give them to me.
(Trudie's parents come to an art gallery, where one of their daughter's paintings once stood, as she stares forlornly at the now-empty wall)
NC (vo): So, it looks like the parents are doing therapy... Yeah, the ones who DIDN'T kidnap somebody are seeing a therapist! ...as it looks like somebody bought one of her paintings, but (mockingly) not her heart.
Katherine: (sitting next to Trudie) It's never too late.
Trudie: He got married today.
(The movie supposedly ends with Trudie and her mother drinking from some glasses. The image fades out and the credits start to roll)
NC: I wish. No, the actual ending is creepier.
(Indeed, that's not quite all, folks; she is starting to get into her car outside the gallery when she is suddenly captured by someone with a blindfold over her eyes)
Trudie: Hey! HEY!
NC: Told ya! (holds up two fingers) You switch the genders, and suddenly it's like you're watching Silence of the Lambs, isn't it?!
(Trudie's abductor turns out to be David)
NC (vo; as Hannibal Lecter): It puts the handcuffs on its skin! It does this whenever it's told!
David: (to Trudie) I lost a lot because of you, but I've realized that I don't want any of those things.
NC: (as David) I just want revenge. Sweet, bloody revenge.
NC (vo): It looks like he's giving her a gallery to sell her heart work, and they apparently live happily ever after.
(The camera pulls away from David and Trudie as they kiss and hug)
Trudie: (narrating) There may be no such thing as a perfect job, a perfect family, or a perfect life...
NC: (smiling) Or four-star ratings from any critic!
Trudie: Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy. But it can also make you happy.
NC: So, you know... Fucking take people. (throws up arms briefly)
(Footage of this movie is shown one more time as NC provides his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): This is the only couple that makes the people from I Love You to Death look like a rational unit. The whole movie is totally nutballs, and all I gotta say is, God bless every cuckoo minute of it. This movie is so terrible, it's fantastic. What makes it special is I guess what makes a lot of ridiculous Christmas rom-coms special. It has actors who feel like they're legit trying, it has a lot of Christmas atmosphere, it has humor that's beyond hilariously cheesy, and it's a concept that is so crazy, but they act like it's just another run-of-the-mill romance. It's friggin' great, and anyone who gets into these kinds of movies is gonna have a ball with how over-the-top bonkers it is. Check it out and see what you've been missing if you haven't been given this Christmas gift already.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic... (stops as he holds up index finger) and you're welcome. (gets up and leaves)
Channel Awesome tagline – Katherine: Sometimes I have dreams that hundreds of pairs of underwear envelop me.
(End credits roll)