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Release Date
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October 26, 2022
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Running Time
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31:40
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Link
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Video
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the 2022 NostalgiaWeen title sequence. Then we open on NC walking into the room, wearing his NostalgiaWeen jacket. Tamara and Malcolm are sitting on the couch. Malcolm is reading an "Invincible" comic book while Tamara is on her cell phone.)
NC: Hey, all. Whatcha doing?
Tamara: We're just chilling.
NC: You're not...doing anything that's tied into the movie we're reviewing today?
Malcolm: I guess not.
NC: Ah. Well, good luck with that.
Malcolm and Tamara: Thanks.
(Suddenly, Jim magically appears in the room.)
NC: Oh, hey, Jim. What you up to?
Jim: Oh, just not existing until one of these videos started.
NC: Keep it up.
Jim: Sure.
(NC walks down the hall and looks over his shoulder. He sees Jim walk away.)
NC: Huh. Maybe it's just gonna be a normal day. (looks up as he realizes something) Maybe it's just gonna be a normal day. (shrugs as he starts to go into his room) Maybe it is just gonna be a normal day–
(Suddenly, mist appears in the room.)
NC: (sarcastically, as if he saw it coming a mile away) Oh, gee, I wonder what this is. Let me go check with the group.
(He walks back out into the room with everyone else. The mist is causing Malcolm and Tamara to clutch at their heads in pain, while Jim looks around.)
NC (vo): Okay, what are we doing?
Malcolm: I feel so strange.
Tamara: Like something's invading my brain.
(Jim suddenly turns and spots something going into a room down the hall.)
Jim: (pointing) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?
(Malcolm and Tamara look up with a start.)
Tamara: Wh-What? What was it?!
Jim: (suddenly nonchalant) Oh, nothing. (to NC) Uh, Critic, could I speak to you over here?
(Jim pushes NC into a corner of the room. NC is confused.)
Jim: Critic, we can't tell anyone what we just saw!
NC: What? Why?
Jim: (whispering) It might upset them!
NC: It should upset them! There's something in the studio!
(Suddenly, they hear the sound of loud roaring.)
NC: What was that?! Sounds like a roar or something!
(Malcolm and Tamara walk up, looking suspicious.)
Malcolm: Yeah, that's what you want us to hear!
NC: (confused) What?
Malcolm: How do we know that's not what you want us to think it sounded like?
Tamara: I'm sorry, but has anyone found Jesus yet?
NC: Okay, to hell with this! I'm checking out the kitchen! (walks off)
Tamara: Let me know if you find Jesus there.
(NC and Jim walk up to the room where the something from earlier went. They peek in and spot a cartoonish-looking severed tail.)
NC: Is that...really the best effect we have?
Jim: I don't know, but keep it under wraps.
NC: NO! Malcolm, Tamara, come over here! It's a monster tail or something!
(Malcolm and Tamara walk up.)
Malcolm: Oh, you'd like for us to believe that, wouldn't you?
Tamara: Yeah, it's probably Jesus' tail.
NC: No, it's not Jesus' tail! Just take a look!
Malcolm: (crosses arms) Why would we follow you?
NC: Because it's literally one step!
Malcolm: Oh, your YouTuber mind would have us believe that.
NC: What does that have to do with taking one step?
Tamara: Jesus only took one step!
NC: I don't think that's right. Here, let me just bring the tail to you.
(NC starts to go into the room, but Jim grabs his shoulder to stop him.)
Jim: No, Critic, don't do it!
NC: Why? It's right there.
Jim: It'd just be...too much.
NC: (pulling away in frustration) WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!? What is up with everybody?! (suddenly realizes) Oh, wait, I know what this is. Everyone's a cutout, no one's making any sense, there's no trust anywhere. We're being invaded by... (pushes Jim aside and looks into camera dramatically) The Commentary!
(To the sound of thunder, we cut to a shot of a rain-spattered window. The title for a made-up horror movie is shown: "The Commentary". Then we cut back to the group.)
Malcolm: What's that supposed to mean?
NC: None of you are gonna make any sense because the Commentary has taken you over. You're not gonna make any logical steps because you're just pawns for somebody to hammer their message in with.
Malcolm: Oh, you mean like you YouTubers seem to?
(NC raises his index finger, about to argue with Malcolm, but stops as he realizes Malcolm brings up a good point.)
NC: Yes, but when we do it, it's intentionally funny.
Tamara: Jesus was intentionally funny.
NC: Name one joke Jesus told.
Tamara: You.
(NC sighs, then gestures down the hall.)
NC: Look, there's nothing over there.
(Chattering inaudibly, Jim, Malcolm and Tamara run down to the end of the hall, while NC goes back out into the main room and sits down on the couch.)
NC: Oh, I guess it's also Stephen King Time.
(The "Stephen King Time!" title card is shown. Then we are shown a montage of titles for videos of past reviews of King movies, including the NC's review of the Top 11 best King movies, as well as for proper reviews of King movies, The Stand and The Lawnmower Man.)
NC (vo): Yeah, I've been cutting King a lot of slack recently, talking about good works and even works that technically weren't his and honestly could have used his help.
NC: But you know what I miss? Shitting on King properties everyone seems to love! The Mist sounds good.
(The title for The Mist is shown, followed by clips of the movie.)
NC (vo): Released in 2007 and written-directed by King favorite Frank Darabont, The Mist was a pretty big box office disappointment, and at the time, the few people I knew who saw it really didn't like it. Based on Stephen King's novella, I guess I stayed away from this film, based on all the bad press it got over the years. But its fanbase has been growing, and more and more people are saying it's actually saying it's pretty good. So I finally watched it for NostalgiaWeen, and...yeah, I think you were right the first time: this film kind of sucks. Okay, admittedly, I've seen far worse horror films, but this is a case of a story clearly taking a lot from other stories and not doing them any better. It wants to prove the same point as Lord of the Flies, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, and several Twilight Zones, with creature ideas from The Fog, Alien, and several bug films. But it doesn't know how to do any of them nearly as good. Like I said, I know this film has gotten a following, and good for it, I guess. I'm sure a lot of people worked hard on it to leave an impact. But for me, it teeter-totters between tonally inconsistent, unintentionally hilarious, yet somehow aggressively dull. And yes, I realize that would make for a very odd teeter-totter, but you get my drift. I'm not saying you have to dislike it like me; I just want to explain why there are some people out there that just don't think it worked.
(Suddenly, Tamara peeks out from around the corner and points at NC.)
Tamara: I have one thing to say to you, Critic.
NC: (looking at her) Is it "Jesus"?
Tamara: Jesus! (backs away around the corner)
NC: (looking back into camera) And yeah, why the in-your-face commentary might play a part in that, too. Let's take a look at The Mist.
(The movie's opening is shown.)
NC (vo): The credits roll and... Oh, you think you're gonna win me with the main character being Struzan?
NC: Well, you...came pretty close.
(The posters for Back to the Future and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade are shown, both done by Drew Struzan.)
NC (vo): Drew Struzan is arguably the best movie poster artist who ever lived.
(Cut back to The Mist.)
NC (vo): And it's pretty cool the main character, David, played by Thomas Jane, is shown painting his works.
NC: The only downside for such an interesting job? It plays into nothing.
NC (vo): I thought maybe he's gonna draw pictures for his kid to help him get through all this, or paintings of the people who died. I dunno, something! It's referenced once in a really forced conflict, but we'll get to that in a minute. It's just a random talent that never comes back.
(Cut to shots of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)
NC (vo): It's like the Ninja Turtles learning martial arts and then they just shoot people.
(Cut back to The Mist.)
NC (vo): Why introduce interesting things if you're not gonna do interesting things with them?
(That night, a storm causes a tree to fall over and smash into David's house, its branches filling up almost the entire room. Cut to a clip of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, showing Clark Griswold setting up and opening up the Christmas tree in the living room. The tree opens up and its branches take up much of the room, much to the rest of the Griswold family's bewilderment.)
Clark (Chevy Chase): It looks great. A little full, a lot of sap.
(Cut back to The Mist, as David's family goes outside to survey the damage caused by the tree.)
NC (vo): A massive storm destroys the outside and inside of David's home, who lives quietly in– (The words "Bridgeton, Maine" pop up.) Christ, King, (A shot of the Earth is shown.) there's a whole WORLD OUT THERE!!
(David tosses his painting on the fallen tree.)
NC: To be fair, that's what Hollywood does with a lot of Struzan's work.
(As David's wife Stephanie (Kelly Collins Lintz) and son Billy (Nathan Gamble) survey the damage caused by the tree, Billy in particular is impressed.)
Billy: The boathouse is all bashed! Holy crap!
Stephanie: (offended by her son's choice of words) Billy!
Billy: All right, Mom, but you just gotta... C'mon, c'mon! (runs off) Whoa!
NC: Welp, you just met the most interesting person in the movie.
NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. Almost all character development in this essential amount of time before the monster arrives can be summed up in one word...
NC: Chore.
(A montage of scenes is shown to prove NC's point.)
David: Get some plastic sheeting and duct tape and seal this up.
(Cut.)
David: (to Brent Norton) I just think we should trade insurance and...
Brent (Andre Braugher): I'll find my insurance guy's number, I'll bring it by later.
(Cut.)
David: (to Stephanie) ...address and I'll take it into town.
(Cut.)
Private Wayne Jessup (Sam Witwer): You guys get the goodies. I'll wait in line.
(Cut.)
David: I'm gonna try Steph on the pay phone.
(Cut.)
Donaldson (Walter Fauntleroy): I gotta go check the pharmacy.
(Cut.)
David: (to Brent) Why don't you get your stuff? I'll meet you at the checkout.
(Cut.)
Donaldson: You're gonna meet me back at the jeep in five?
(Cut.)
David: (to a cashier) Steph and I want a date night. Babysit?
(Cut to a scene of the Shining miniseries, as Pete Watson shows Jack Torrance the boiler.)
Watson (Pat Hingle): This is your pressure gauge. No safety valve. You rate it for 160 every night.
(Cut back to The Mist, as a shot of Batman is also shown.)
NC (vo): And yeah, I know it's not who you are underneath; it's what you do that defines you, but if Batman spent a whole movie (Shots of the Batmobile and a swarm of bats are shown.) just fixing his car and cleaning up bat shit, you wouldn't find him interesting either.
(As David, Brent and Billy drive to the store, Billy spots something.)
Billy: Daddy, look.
(A convoy of army vehicles come the opposite way.)
NC (vo): There are a few scenes building up the danger that's coming, but plot exposition's a chore, too.
David: (to Brent) This little defense research, you know... I'm sure you heard the story.
Brent: The Arrowhead project? They have a crashed flying saucer up there with frozen alien bodies.
David: Right.
NC: (as David) That's absurd! (The poster for The Tommyknockers is shown off to the side.) Unless it's Tommyknockers. Then it's really absurd.
NC (vo): Eh, maybe the film's just trying to be really subtle with its character setup. Like, take a guess who the villain is.
Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden): (to Ollie (Toby Jones), the assistant store manager) With lines like these, I don't know how good it is, but I guess we'll have to make do.
NC: (smiling) That's right!
(Ollie is shown again, with the camera zooming in on him.)
NC (vo): Dr. Zola, you Hydra bastard!
Brent: Hey, David, thanks for helping me out today.
NC (vo): The actors are all fine, and sometimes, there's a hint of a character moment...
Billy: Are you and Mr. Norton gonna be friends now, daddy? I guess you're not mad at each other anymore.
NC (vo): ...but not enough for them to be memorable or root for them when the trouble starts. Which, by the way, (The words "11 min 16 sec" pop up.) is not even twelve minutes into the film! Yeah, I feel like I know everybody by this point; let's introduce the threat.
(A bleeding man, Jeffrey (Dan Miller), comes running up. Outside, the sound of an air raid siren is heard.)
Jeffrey: Shut the doors! Shut the doors, my God!
(Concerned, everyone crowds the front of the store, wondering what's going on.)
NC (vo; as Jeffrey): Hey, hey, nobody take my spot! I have ice cream that's gonna melt!
(The area is being covered in a thick mist that obscures everything and everyone.)
NC (vo): God is finally using his can of Raid on the Earth. Funny enough, only the insects survived.
Mrs. Carmody: (quietly) It's death.
NC: No, William Sadler scenes come later.
NC (vo): Everybody's trapped inside as the place shakes and the people outdoors scream in pain.
Woman: I-I can't just stay here. I have to get home to my kids.
NC: That might not be the best Carol. When Darabont teams you up with kids, it doesn't end well.
NC (vo): So, here's one of the problems: there's very little music in this, which isn't bad; several films utilized that great. But when your characters aren't set up, and you're just thrown into the danger eleven minutes in, every dramatic scene looks like...
NC: (imitating an award show host) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are...
(A shot of the worried mother is shown, along with the actress' name and the title of the movie. Off to the side, there is an Oscar statue and the title for the award show: The 39th Award Show Moment Awards.)
NC (vo): ...Melissa McBride, The Mist. (Canned applause is heard.)
Mother: I can't stay here! Wanda's looking after little Victor. She's only eight. I told them I'd only be gone a few minutes. (More canned applause is heard.)
NC: Yeah, I don't know anything about this woman! I'm already to applaud at her Oscar moment!
NC (vo): Well, it looks like we won't learn anything about her either, as she walks into the mist and never returns. The only other two characters I kinda like in this outside of the kid is Frances Sternhagen as Irene [Reppler] and Jeffrey DeMunn as Dan [Miller], not because they're written especially well, but because they're written in the clunky character exposition and surprisingly make it sound natural. All she does here is say who everybody is and what they do, like they're dads in Kindergarten Cop. But I'll be damned if she doesn't make it sound natural and memorable.
Irene: Amanda Gumtree teaches third grade. She's wonderful. The kids love her. David's an artist. He does movie posters and such.
NC: (shakes head) Even with her acting, I can't pretend I'm not distracted...
(The camera shows one product on the shelf: a box of Hy-Top Deliciously Moist Cake Mix.)
NC (vo): ...by the background, saying, (A shot of Randall Weems from Recess is shown in the corner, with the message, "How deliciously moist.") "Randall Weems makes cake?"
(As David hands his son to Irene, the camera shakes around.)
David: (to Billy) I'll be gone two seconds, Big Billy. Come on, get your blanket. Mrs. Reppler's here.
NC: The hell is with the shaking zooming cam all of a sudden?
NC (vo): Oh, I guess this is trying to look more realistic and gritty, like a found footage movie. Only twenty minutes in! Yeah, almost all of this shot cinematically! A lot of them composed very nicely, honestly, but heck, the shots go Blair Witch handycam from here on out!
(David playfully pinches Billy's cheek.)
NC: (as David) Aw, you're so cute, I could just shoot you.
NC (vo): David goes looking for blankets in the back and...
(David bumps his head on a low metal doorframe gate. Then a clip of Home Improvement is shown in the upper-left corner, showing Tim Taylor similarly bumping his head against a low-hanging pipe.)
NC (vo): D'oh! The prophecy of Home Improvement warned thee! Something violently tries to break open the back door and decides to tell the others. Oh, not that something gigantic was trying to get in, but rather, he heard a sound.
(Another montage is shown of David explaining the sound.)
David: Nobody else heard that sound? / Like, whatever made that noise, I heard. / Look, I heard it, okay?
(Cut.)
Jim Grondin (William Sadler): I'm not convinced you heard anything.
(Cut.)
David: Weird noise.
(Cut.)
Jim: I mean, we're not hearing anything now, right? Anybody?
NC (vo): Okay...
NC: (massaging forehead) ...so here's an example of it's obvious what they're trying to do, they're just not doing it well.
NC (vo): They want to create distrust among these people so we can see it build over time. I get that. But they're sacrificing any logic a rational person would have for it. Just say there's something that shook the door and tried to get in! But no, he keeps saying he just (mocking voice) heard something!
Jim: I know, you're a– you're a big-shot artist with connections in New York and Hollywood and all like that, but that don't make you better than anybody else.
NC: (confused) Where'd all that come from?!
NC (vo): Didn't these guys just meet? Like, he was clarifying their names a second ago!
David: Jim, right?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
David: Myron?
NC (vo): But suddenly, this guy acts like he has a random, long-running beef!
Jim: You're a big-shot artist with connections in New York...
NC (vo; as Jim): I know you big-shot artists claim to hear things better than us! (as David) Is that right? (as Jim again) What?
Jim: Nor do I like being talked down to or called stupid by a guy who went to college just 'cause he's got the jitters.
NC (vo): Oh, maybe that's why they worked in him being an artist. Could've...literally had any big shot job there, but make him an artist; there's so many visually pleasing ways this visual medium is...not gonna take advantage of that...
Ollie: Ready, kid?
Employee: Let's rock.
NC (vo): A kid decides to go outside and fix something, but a monster attacks.
(Said monster, which has tentacles, wraps one tentacle around the young employee's leg, dragging him away. Everyone tries to pull him back, but the monster's tentacles turn sharp and dig into his skin. He yells in pain. Ollie scrambles away, yelling in horror.)
NC (vo): So, um...
NC: People are afraid of us, huh?
NC (vo): Ivan Ooze's CG dick's got people shaking in their sheets, huh? (A shot of Ivan Ooze appears in the corner.) I mean, aside from Ivan himself.
(David tries to fend off the monster with a mop.)
NC: Would puppet tentacles that were actually there really cost that much more?
(Cut to a shot of a 1950s B-movie of some kind, showing a man getting caught in a monster's tentacle.)
NC (vo): They don't all have to look like this, guys!
(Cut back to The Mist, where it's no use, the monster takes the young employee away. He pathetically reaches his hand to the others in vain.)
NC (vo; as employee): Please, I don't want to be in (The poster for the following appears off to the side...) Monsters Unleashed!
(David shuts the door over the monster's tentacle, trapping it there, then chops off the tentacle with a fire axe. Jim stares. David stares back.)
NC (vo; as Jim): So, just because you're a big-shot artist, doesn't mean you heard– (as David) Oh, shut up!
David: Don't say anything, anybody.
NC: (confused) Why not? You know what the threat is. Wouldn't that be helpful?
NC (vo): There's military guys there, for shit's sake; it'd be good if they knew. Well, you got a piece of it there. Just go ahead and show them.
NC: In fact, I'm gonna edit this scene to show how it should have gone down.
David: (to Brent) Come back to the loading deck, okay? I'll show you.
(Cut to David poking the tentacle, which twitches. Everyone hovering over it recoils.)
NC: (claps hands together) Boom! Just a few seconds! But that wouldn't contribute to the commentary on distrust, so we waste an entire...
(As the movie continues the words "8 MINUTES" pop up in yellow.)
NC (vo): ...eight minutes just talking about showing this damn thing to them! "Should we show them?" "No! Nobody's gonna ask where one of the staff members went!" "Okay, let's bring them a piece." "No, you have to come back to the storage room to see it." "I don't wanna go back to the storage room! That's like a thirty-second walk!" I swear to God there's eight minutes of this!
Brent: I'm sorry, I'm– I'm just not that stupid.
David: I'll show you.
Brent: No.
Ollie: What reason could we possibly have–
Brent: Oh, please!
Bud (Robert Treveiler), the store manager: Look, I'm gonna be taking down names, starting with you.
Brent: This is payback for the lawsuit that I filed against the...
David: Look...
Biker in leather jacket: Pile of shit.
Bud: (to Ollie) Do you want me to report you? Do you want to lose your job?
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Fawlty Towers.)
Basil Fawlty (John Cleese): (to his staff) Are you listening? Hello! Can– Hello! Can anybody hear me?
(Cut back to The Mist.)
NC (vo): But you see? Neighbor turned against neighbor! My God, this could be us!
NC: If we were really anti-walking for some reason, this could be us!
NC (vo): When they finally do go to the back room, they see the arm melt away and realize he's telling the truth.
Bud: It appears we may have a problem of some magnitude here.
NC: (as Bud) Our screenwriter really blows.
Mrs. Carmody: Let me preach your word. Let me shine the light.
NC: (award show host voice) Marcia Gay Harden, The Mist.
(A shot of Mrs. Carmody is shown, along with the actress' name and the title of the movie. Again, the Oscar statue and the title for The 39th Award Show Moment Awards is shown as well.)
Mrs. Carmody: Some can be saved, can't they? Yes Some can be brought...
NC (vo): Mm-hmm, guess what her role is? The crazy religious nut! Yup, Maine, rednecks, monsters, alcoholics, religious extremists who double as bullies... You don't even need to play the Stephen King drinking game with this one! Just down (An image of the following is shown...) a bottle of RedRum, and it'll even out!
Amanda (Laurie Holden): (to Mrs. Carmody) Well, if you need a friend...
Mrs. Carmody: (pointing at her) Don't you condescend me. I have a friend: God up above.
NC: (clutching his forehead in frustration) Immaculate shit! (A shot of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is shown in the corner.) The Scarecrow isn't as much a strawman as this character!
NC (vo): I am not even kidding when I say every time they cut to her, all she's doing is quoting random religious extremism. And, you guessed it, they cut to her a lot.
(A montage of scenes is shown, showing Mrs. Carmody quoting religious extremism at every turn.)
Mrs. Carmody: (reading the Bible) "From the glory of God..." / He's a stern and vengeful God... / ...and bring the fiends of Hell down on our heads! / As Abraham prepared to sacrifice his only son... / We are being punished! / He points the finger! / The fiends of Hell, you see, they are let loose!
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Home Movies.)
Melissa (Melissa Bardin Galsky): Get off the stage.
(Brendon giggles. Then cut back to The Mist.)
NC (vo): Right? She's pretty much (An image of Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin is shown.) Mr. Freeze if you replaced the ice puns with Bible quotes! She is the worst combination of annoying and boring! She never says anything interesting, and she says it in the most obnoxious way. (The Fox News logo appears in the lower-left corner.) Just put this graphic at the bottom of her, and you'll have the complete package.
Dan: (to Bud) Do you happen to have a gun in this store?
Bud: Here? No. Please.
NC: What do you think this is, a school?
Amanda: (taking out a gun) My husband's idea. He's away on business a lot.
NC (vo): Yyyeah, a grocery store in constitutional carry Maine, and only one person has a gun.
Another man: I've got a shotgun in my truck.
Biker: Pickup, right?
Man: (holding up his keys to the biker) Shells are in the glove compartment.
(Ollie is holding up a knife. The biker takes his own knife out, too.)
NC: Now I believe we're in Maine again. (nods)
NC (vo): The neighbor and a few others venture out into the mist, and the biker ties a rope around him to see how far they can get.
Biker: (to Mrs. Carmody) Hey, crazy lady, I believe in God, too. I just don't think he's the bloodthirsty asshole you make him out to be.
NC (vo): That's King's way of saying, (The cover of the book version of "The Stand" is shown.) "Hey, I wrote 'The Stand'! That'd earn me, like, ten more stories where I can focus on religious nuts."
(The biker leaves the store, with David holding on to it. Suddenly, the rope pulls taut and David tries to yank it back, to no avail.)
NC (vo): We get what should have been a suspenseful scene if we weren't already shown Ursula's STD, so it's not exactly the scariest mystery of what's out there. On the plus side, if Billy wanted a makeshift production of (The poster for the following is shown off to the side...) Onward, they can pull that off now.
(Everyone screams as David and Bud shut and lock the doors. Mrs. Carmody turns to the crowd.)
Mrs. Carmody: Now do you believe?
(Suddenly, Tamara appears before NC again, holding the Bible in her hand.)
Tamara: (chanting) Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...
NC: (facepalming himself) Oh, God!
Tamara: That works, too. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...
(She continues chanting as Malcolm and Jim appear again.)
Malcolm: Man, don't you just hate her?
NC: (smiling) Yes. Yes, I do.
Jim: That means we understand drama.
NC: No, it doesn't, it just means you made me hate someone that's annoyingly easy to hate!
Malcolm: But doesn't she just get on your nerves?
NC: YES!
Jim: Well, that's complexity.
NC: Complexity would be if I liked and hated her. (All the while, Tamara is still chanting "Jesus", which infuriates NC.) WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!
Tamara: Jesus! (finally stops)
Malcolm: (to Jim) Well, our work here is done.
Jim: Our commentary is jus too intense for him.
(They both leave as Tamara stares in awkward silence. She clutches at her temples.)
Tamara: Line?
NC: (facepalming himself) Jesus!
Tamara: Ah, that's right.
(She resumes chanting "Jesus" as she leaves, too, the room.)
NC: Why is this entertaining? (looks into camera) Do you find this entertaining? Why is this entertaining?
(On that note, we go to a commercial. Upon return, the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): So, as everybody catches their breath after the attack, the movie is kind enough to ask, "Who the hell are these two?"
("These two" are Sally (Alexa Davalos), a cashier who also is Billy's babysitter, and Private Wayne Jessup, who meet and kiss.)
Wayne: I thought I'd come in and say hi.
Sally: Hi.
Wayne: Hi.
NC (vo): Oh, it's one of the military guys and the girl who has to babysit. They each got maybe two lines earlier. It's nice that 55 minutes in, they finally start a romance between them.
Sally: How come you never asked me out?
Wayne: I'm stupid, I guess.
NC: Yeah, a little late to set them up, don't you think? What's even the point? Oh, this is to make use feel bad when she dies literally...
(The words "6 MINUTES LATER" pop up in yellow as, at that time, Sally is killed by the monster.)
NC (vo): ...six minutes later.
NC: Yeah, that's brilliant. Remember when Psycho opened up...
(Footage of Psycho is shown.)
NC (vo): ...with Janet Leigh saying...
Marion Crane (Leigh): Hi.
NC (vo): ...and then got stabbed immediately after?
NC: I was so shocked they did that after all the investment I had in her story!
NC (vo): Speaking of keeping you invested, get a load of these effects...
(Said effects are various winged monsters that look like giant flying insects, one of which climbs up one of the windows of the store.)
NC: (looks around shiftily) Um...
(He holds up his cell phone, while a shot of Charizard on the Pokemon Go app is shown in the corner.)
NC: Aren't I supposed to hold my phone to capture that?
NC (vo): Oh, don't worry, they get better.
(More winged monsters, some resembling pterodactyls, appear and smash through the windows of the store. Everyone screams as one monster snarls at everyone.)
NC: (shrugs) Now we're in a Flintstones cartoon!
(Dramatic music plays as the winged monsters attack everyone.)
NC (vo): Yeah, listen to that dramatic music. That's so much more powerful than the "wah-wah" they play after he says, (A shot of one dinosaur from The Flintstones, acting as a kitchen disposal, is shown in the corner.) "It's a living."
(The monster screeches at everyone.)
Woman: KILL IT!!
NC: (holds up hands) I'm sorry! (A shot of one of the winged monsters is shown in the corner.) There's people that are afraid of this.
NC (vo): When I get more afraid of (A shot of Pterri the pterodactyl from Pee-Wee's Playhouse is shown in the corner.) a Pee-Wee episode with Pterri, I'm sorry, something's not working!
(In the pandemonium, one person lights a mop on fire to use that as a weapon against the monsters. But as he runs toward one monster, he trips on a bucket of some flammable liquid and falls down. The fire on the mop lights the fluid on fire, and he gets burnt up. Cut to a clip of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.)
Raoul Duke (Johnny Depp): God didn't do that, you did it.
(Cut back to The Mist, as one insect-like monster lands on Mrs. Carmody's body and climbs up on it.)
NC: Oh, don't do that. They're even funnier close up.
(A closeup of the insect monster is shown, accompanied by images of Art from Monsters University and the title character from Rango.)
NC (vo): They look like a Monsters University candle melted over a Rango toy.
NC: (suddenly trying to act scared, with little success) I mean, ooh! I'm so horrified by the terror I'm seeing right now! (drops scared act and points to camera) Can you...
(The insect monster is shown again.)
NC (vo): ...make a plushie out of him?
NC: (hugs himself) I'd totally snuggle up with that.
NC (vo): Yeah, shake that camera! This is real life, goddammit! Embrace the adorable cuddliness that I think a Power Rangers movie fought once! Guys, this is really silly. They fight the creatures back, and like I said, Babysitter Girl... Yeah, why even learn her name at this point? ...is taken out.
David: (inexplicably raspy voice) Did we get them? Did we get them all?
NC: (confused) What, are you Yogurt clearing his throat?
David: Did we get them? Did we get them all?!
(Cut to a clip of Spaceballs, showing Yogurt (Mel Brooks) clearing his throat. Cut back to The Mist, showing someone's severed legs on the ground, the result of the monster's rampage.)
NC (vo; singing): And our legs were still there... (speaking) They discover one of the military men all messed up from being attacked by the monsters.
David: (to Private Wayne) How are you holding up, partner?
Wayne: (weakly) Ollie's got that gun, right? Right?
David: No. No way.
Wayne: (crying out) Just give me the gun!
NC (vo): Again, they treat it like we're losing a crucial character, but I can't even remember if this guy was introduced or not. I'll something like Langoliers this: the characters were cartoons, but they were memorable cartoons. I still recall their personalities and backstories all these years later. I am literally still watching this movie, and I can barely remember anyone.
David: Want another reason to get the hell out of here? Mrs. Carmody. I'd like to leave before people start drinking the Kool-Aid.
NC (vo): They do put together the religious nut is going to start forming a resistance. In most stories about tribalism and survival, the characters always pick up on this way too late, so I like they do logically figure it out early. This, among many reasons, leads them to want to venture to the drugstore across the street to see if they can find other people and supplies.
David: (to Billy) I'll bring you back some comic books.
Billy: (crying) I don't want them. I want you to stay here.
NC (vo; as Billy): Unless they have "X-Men". You can die for "X-Men".
(The crowd opens the door of the store and step out.)
Jeffrey: Let's go.
NC (vo): They make their way to the drugstore and find a whole bunch of people cocooned up. Not enough like Alien? Well, don't worry, they impregnate them, too, and their bodies burst open with (imitating Dr. Smith) spiders!
(One spider jumps out at Jim, who screams in horror at this. The spider bares its rather human-looking teeth at him.)
NC: (tries to stifle a laugh, then acts scared) I mean, ooh! This is so scary– (again stops being "scared") I'm sorry, this is hilarious!
NC (vo): Does that thing have human teeth? Like one of those shark memes? These poor actors are giving their all to fight effects they have no idea are gonna look like the Joker fish!
(The monster spiders throw out their webbing at the live humans, missing them all.)
Man: There's another one! Hit it!
NC (vo): Again, I so see why they shot it like this, because...God, it just feels so real! Like, I'm really there, laughing at these effects!
(Jeffrey drives one spider out of the drugstore, which is revealed to be called "King's Pharmacy".)
NC: Oh, yeah!
(The "King's Pharmacy" sign is shown.)
NC (vo): I believe that's King's Pharmacy...
NC: ...because that's what he saw when he was on drugs half the time!
(Back at the main store, Mrs. Carmody uses her Bible quotes to rally the rest of the crowd to her side against David's group.)
NC (vo): Has the film mentioned yet this character is bad and wrong? I don't know, I think we were too subtle with it, so we're just gonna repeat it twenty more times.
Mrs. Carmody: ...the earth is scorched with whips and scorpions. We have seen the earth vomit forth from her lips...
(Cut to an episode of King of the Hill.)
Hank Hill (voice of Mike Judge): Why is she still talking?!
(Cut back to The Mist, as Private Wayne is forcibly brought by the other store patrons before Mrs. Carmody.)
NC (vo): Want this to feel even more realistic, like, wow, you're really there? Let's overexplain parallel dimensions! We're in King's comfort zone all right!
Wayne: (to Mrs. Carmody) I thought there were other dimensions all around us. I wanted to try and make a window. They must have ripped it all open by accident. This other world keeps spilling into ours.
NC: (massaging his forehead) You know, how did this series (A shot of Eleven from Stranger Things taking several boxes of Eggo Waffles is shown in the corner.) with a kid obsessing over waffles make this feel more legit?
NC (vo): Seriously, this film would have been ten times scarier if we never saw what was in the mist and it was never explained. You just made it a story about surviving and tribalism. And before anybody else brings it up, yes, this does remind me of extremists during the pandemic. But we saw how that happened.
(Cut to an image of a person typing on a laptop computer.)
NC (vo): People got into their echo chambers, algorithms, the Internet exploited lies for hits.
(Cut to a shot of all the various cable news network logos.)
NC (vo): Even cable news has heavy liens in order to get views.
NC: There's tragically, but obviously, a logical progression, and that's not here.
NC (vo): I don't know why these people do the cuckoo things they do, like not walking into a room, or carrying something into a room, or saying you saw something move, or not explaining the threat you're up against.
(Shots of various old stories (books, movies and TV shows) that tackled similar subjects are shown: "Lord of the Flies", Night of the Living Dead, "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre", the Twilight Zone episode "The Shelter", The Thing.)
NC (vo): These classic stories seem relevant because you could almost see yourself doing the same. If you made any of the dumb choices these people did, you deserve (A shot of a dinosaur from Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs is shown.) the Ice Age dinosaur eating you up!
Mrs. Carmody: ...punished for going against the will of God. / ...splitting his atoms or stem cells and abortions!
NC: (waving dismissively) Yeah, I didn't vote for Trump. Can we skip this now?
NC (vo): The military dude is tossed out to the monster, and our heroes I guess we're rooting for simply because they're sane try to leave without Crazy Lady's permission.
(Mrs. Carmody holds up a knife to everyone to keep them from leaving.)
Mrs. Carmody: People who refuse to bend to the will of God, they mock our humility...
NC: (exasperated) Oh, my God! (takes remote control) I'm just...
(He fast-forwards through Mrs. Carmody's speech, which apparently includes the need to sacrifice Billy.)
NC (vo): ...fast-forwarding to where she gets killed.
(Ollie, having had enough of Mrs. Carmody's nonsense, takes a gun and shoots her in the head, killing her once and for all. Everyone gasps and screams in response.)
NC: (puts control away) I'm not even rewinding it, because I know that's what you want! Like, ooh, that felt so good! But no, there was no satisfaction in that!
NC (vo): You want me to have the same reactions I had to...
(Shots of Bev Keane from Midnight Mass and Esmeralda from Edward Scissorhands are shown.)
NC (vo): ...the religious nuts in Midnight Mass and Edward Scissorhands. But you're not gonna get it! Because one took a lot of time to give great insight and background into a character's cunningness. The other gave a brief, but effective look at a side character's kookiness. Both served their story for what was needed, and it felt so good to see them get their comeuppance.
(Cut back to Mrs. Carmody.)
NC (vo): This character was written like a bad impression of someone the writer didn't like that went on forever.
(Cut to a clip from Army of Darkness. Ash turns to Sheila as he eats something.)
Ash (Bruce Campbell): Blow.
(Cut back to The Mist, as everyone finally leaves the store now that Mrs. Carmody isn't there to control them anymore. They spot the monster spiders trying to attack them.)
NC (vo): They try outrun the Zelda spiders, and most of them get in the car. And you know this is the early 2000s when they give you one of the lamest clichés of the time...
NC: You guessed it – the one-woman wailing soundtrack!
(As David's group get into his car, we hear a woman wailing in the background. Then an image of a made-up CD labeled "One Woman Wailing" pops up.)
NC (vo): Order today.
(As David drives toward his home, he is devastated to see Stephanie killed by the monsters in the mist.)
NC (vo): I will admit, I was surprised to find the wife didn't make it. She was only in the film's intro, so I really thought they were building up a reunion and was a little bummed when they found her dead. It is one of the few legit emotions I get out of this.
(What's more, he sees his home still destroyed by the felled tree.)
David: I told her I'd fix it. The window broken up.
NC (vo; as David): Wake Billy up; he should see this.
(As the offscreen wailing intensifies, they pass by some overturned police cars, which have felled some power poles. A giant monster passes over them.)
NC (vo): They drive off, searching for an ending, and after the Cloverfield monster passes them over, they run out of gas.
(David looks toward his group in the car with him. They all stare off into silence, trying to figure out what to do.)
NC (vo; as David): Well, I'm bored. Want to kill each other? (normal) They come to the conclusion to axe each other off pretty fast. In fact, they don't even say anything, they just look at each other, like, "Yeah, I know King's endings always suck. I want out."
(David loads a gun with bullets, one for everyone in the group, with which to mercy-kill them all. Billy sees the gun, realizing what his father is about to do to him and everyone else.)
NC (vo; as Billy): Are we there yet?
(We then cut to outside of the car, as a bright flash of light goes off inside as the gun is fired, killing everyone, including Billy.)
NC (vo; as Billy, weakly): Is that a no?
(However, David runs out of bullets before he can kill himself as well. He cries out in anguish and throws the gun down.)
NC (vo): But, (as Elmer Fudd) no more buwwets. (normal again) Still plenty of annoying zooms, though. (The poster for The Shawshank Redemption is shown.) The guy who made Shawshank, everybody! And he gets out, waiting for the creatures to eat him.
David: (calling out) COME ON! COME ON!
NC (vo): But it wasn't a monster they heard in the distance. It was actually...
(The wailing continues as the mist starts to clear, revealing the arrival of the U.S. Army, who are exterminating the monsters and rescuing survivors.)
Nelson (voice of Nancy Cartwright) (audio from The Simpsons): HA-HA!
(David stares, totally nonplussed by this turn of events.)
NC (vo; as David): Worst...Monday...ever...
NC: (amused) I actually love the look on his face. Like, you're expecting something similar to the Curb Your Enthusiasm music.
(As the scene continues, the wailing soundtrack is replaced by the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm.)
NC (vo): I love, too, how just everybody ignores him. They're supposed to find people and get them to safety, and here's a guy screaming outside a car with dead people, and they're like, "Dah, he looks good. See if Bizarro Carol actually likes being a good mother in this universe."
(Several cars filled with rescued victims pass by him, one of which has what looks like the mother from earlier inside, reunited with her children.)
NC (vo): Now, I will admit, I did know the ending going into this, and I'm not gonna lie, that's one of the few things that made me want to see it.
NC: Because I love bummer endings in horror films: (The posters of the following are shown...) Evil Dead, Drag Me to Hell, Pet Sematary, The Descent, even Night of the Living Dead, which they're also clearly taking a lot from. I just love how almost humorously bleak they are. There's just a relentless meanness to them that's swimming in comic irony.
NC: But here's the thing: this isn't done like it's ironic. It's done like it's (uppity voice with a dramatic gesture) important.
(The movie ends with the wailing reaches its peak, while David, surrounded by soldiers, gets on his knees, crying out in anguish. The camera backs away from him before panning upward toward the distant road, with the mist mostly gone now.)
NC (vo): Yeah, the wailing singer is still going, there's a ton of slo-mo, there's a grand sweeping shot. This is how you end (The poster for the following is shown...) Platoon...
(One of the pterodactyl monsters from earlier is shown again.)
NC (vo): ...not a movie where you fight off (A shot of Elsa the pterodactyl from We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story is shown in the corner.) We're Back pterodactyls.
(The ending is shown again.)
NC (vo): Plus, again, I don't give a shit about these people. I barely remember anything about them, except, a good chunk of the time, they did really stupid things.
NC: Which, in a cheesy horror film, that's excusable, but in a (makes "air quotes") "commentary" movie, it really isn't.
(Footage of the movie plays out one more time as NC gives his final thoughts.)
NC (vo): Look, I know this film has a lot of fans, and...I don't know, maybe if I didn't...
(Shots of the following are shown: The cover of "Lord of the Flies", the poster for Night of the Living Dead, the cover of "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre", the Twilight Zone episode "The Shelter", the poster for The Thing.)
NC (vo): ...see all these other stories it took from, I would be a fan, too.
(Footage of The Mist resumes.)
NC (vo): But I have seen them, and I can't help but constantly think back to how much better they achieve similar goals. Frank Darabont (The poster for The Blob is shown.) does know horror, and to his credit, I think what this movie is trying to be, he did eventually achieve with (A promo image for the following is shown...) The Walking Dead. That show does have the gritty realism and tragedy that borrows from other sources, but utilizes them in a more provocative way, with more characters. With this, I know you're gonna think I'm crazy, but I'd much rather have someone like (A shot of the following is shown...) M. Night Shyamalan direct it. I know it sounds insane, but look, you have roughly a 50-50 chance it's gonna be good. Either way, I'm gonna remember the weirdos he writes and directs, and whether it be good or bad, it will leave an impression, I'd much rather have that than something that does a lot of the same, but thinks it's doing something revolutionary and groundbreaking. Like I said, I know a lot of people like it, and if you do, awesome. For my money, I don't need to search deep to find this mist just ain't for me.
(Suddenly, NC is startled by the sound of gunshots.)
NC: What the hell?!
(He gets up and leaves. It turns out that Jim was firing a gun. He blows the smoke from the barrel away as NC runs up.)
NC: What happened?!
Jim: (looking down at the now-dead bodies of Malcolm and Tamara) Well, the intensity was just too much for them, so I killed them off.
NC: Did they...ask you to do that?
Jim: No, but I just got that vibe, you know, from looking at them. (aims his gun at NC) Do you want to die?
NC: (holding up hands and backing away) No, no! I'm good, I'm good! But...that's weird. We never figured out what the monster was.
(Suddenly, they hear a monster roaring and run into the kitchen where the noise is coming from. They stand in the doorway as they see it.)
NC: Oh, my God! It's...
(We see the monster in full: a crude-looking cartoon image of a big, purple, goofy-looking dinosaur with its tail chopped off.)
NC: ...Purplesaurus Rex!
Purplesaurus Rex: Purple!
Jim: Critic, get a shaky cam so we can film the realism!
(Suddenly, Chester A. Bum runs in, holding a camera.)
Chester: Don't worry, Mr. McCritic, I'm on it!
(Chester runs up to the dinosaur and shakes his camera around in front of it.)
Chester: Ah, yes, so shaky, so zoomy, everyone will swear they're in the same room as this terrifying abomination!
NC: (to Jim) I mean...I've had worse flavors. (Jim shrugs)
Purplesaurus Rex: So have I.
(NC and Jim look back to see that the dinosaur had eaten Chester. It belches, releasing his hat.)
NC: Yyyeah, okay... Jim, can you, um...
Jim: Yeah, sure.
(Jim fires his gun at the dinosaur, killing it as its blood splatters everywhere.)
NC: (nods and shrugs) Okay, I think we're done here. (starts to walk off)
Jim: Right. (suddenly realizes something) Hey, wait! (NC stops and looks at him.) Why weren't you affected by the commentary?
NC: Oh, well, because I did commentary in the movie.
Jim: But I thought it was supposed to be a pretentious commentary.
NC: Well, that's ridiculous. I've never been pretentious. (Jim looks at him suspiciously.) At all.
(Jim continues to stare at NC in disbelief, who stares in awkward silence. Then dramatic music plays, accompanied by the sound of a woman wailing, as NC gets to his knees and cries out silently. The camera slows down.)
NC: (waving in slo-mo) See you next Nostalgia-Ween!
(The "One Woman Wailing" CD pops up briefly, along with the message: "ORDER TODAY!")
Channel Awesome Tagline: David: Did we get them? Did we get him them?!