February 03, 2015
27:55 (YouTube Version)
(The episode opens with the “Matrix Month” opening, followed by the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his desk with a green filter over everything like the previous review. Nostalgia Critic is sitting at his desk, being watched by Malcolmus (played by Malcolm Ray) and Tamity (played by Tamara Chambers). He's still concerned about them after the warning he got from the previous review. Tamity holds a pair of binoculars to Malcolmus's eyes so he can observe him while writing on his notepad.)
NC: You sure you guys are okay and not taken over by any evil entities and/or mind-manipulating lifeforms?
Malcolmus: Why do you ask?
NC: I don't know. You're just not making as many long-winded speeches as usual.
Tamity: We're just making sure you don't stumble across anything. (Malcolmus nudges her.) I mean, don't stumble across anything. (He nudges her again and NC looks on with incredulity.) I mean, segue into another conversation.
Malcolmus: Well done.
NC: Well, let's wrap up Matrix Month with what many consider the worst of the Matrix trilogy, Matrix Revolutions.
(Clips of the movie play as NC gives his opening statement. "Galactic Damages" by Jingle Punks plays in the background)
NC (vo): While Matrix Reloaded had a strong opening at the box office, the audience reaction was less than thrilled. Both die-hard fans and common moviegoers didn't seem too excited to see where the story was going anymore. Hence, very few people saw the final installment and it bombed at the box office*. I know, right? Hard to believe a film series would deteriorate into explanatory dialogue and lifeless performances after the mountain of emotion the first film gave us. But nevertheless, let's see how a franchise that hooked in so many people so quickly could lose them almost as fast.
- (The movie actually didn't bomb. It was still a hit, but it grossed over $427 million worldwide, making it the lowest-grossing of the trilogy)
NC: So let's take a look at...(he notices something's off) Something's on my foot. (He reaches down and picks up a book) "Motivation & Emotion?" (he reads the back of the book) "You, too, can figure out even the most basic of human emotions by reading this book." Who would need help figuring out the most basic of human emotions and read a book to understand--?
(NC's still confused by what's going on and puts the book to the side.)
NC: This is Matrix Revolutions.
NC (vo): We start right where we left off with Tom in a coma right next to Agent-Smith-Impersonating-a-Knocked-Out-Crewmember (Bane).
Maggie: Any change?
NC (vo): (as Trinity) No, I still have the same expression no matter what. (normal) They're told, however, that the Oracle has important information for them.
Trinity: Who are you?
Oracle: I'm the Oracle. I made a choice, and that choice cost me more than I wanted it to. One thing I've learned in all my years is that nothing ever works out just the way you want it to.
NC (vo): (as the Oracle) Like sometimes, an actress dies in between films and you have to Dumbledore the shit out of it.
Morpheus: What choice?
Oracle: To help you. To guide Neo.
NC (vo): And if you're wondering what important words she has to share with them, apparently, it's only two. I know this because it's the exact same two fucking words that everybody in this movie is brainwashed to repeat. No, for all their rambling and long-winded speeches, count how many times they just keep coming back to the exact same two words. (We get to clips of people in the movie repeating the words "choice" and "purpose") They even force them into sentences no normal person would ever use them in.
Roland: All right, let's move with a purpose.
NC (vo): Who talks like that!? Seriously, has anyone ever used the phrase "let's move with purpose" and...not gotten a wedgie in high school? But for some strange reason, Tom is in a realm apparently in between the Machine World and reality.
(Neo is at a subway, talking with a little girl named Sati)
Sati: Are you from the Matrix?
Neo: Yes. No. I mean, I was.
NC (vo): (Gasps) Wait a minute. Mobil, I think, just may be an anagram for Limbo! They're trying to tell us that this world is Limbo!
NC: Oh, my God, is that clever! I mean, say what you will about (clips of) (vo) Citizen Kane's marriage and their visual symbolism of growing the table further and further apart suddenly to suggest through visual means that they're growing further and further apart from each other. (at desk) This. This just has to move two letters around and, boom, instant genius! Oh, my God, these writers are incredible! How do they come up with this? (beat) Have they said purpose and choice yet?
NC: There you go. The movie felt naked for a second.
NC (vo): Oh, thank God the rest of the film isn't as straightforward and doesn't ramble on--oh, yeah, it does.
Neo: I just never...
Rama-Khandra: Heard a program speak of love.
Neo: It is a...human emotion.
Rama-Khandra: No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies. Can you tell me what you would give to hold on to that connection?
NC (vo): Wow. This is about as exciting as actually waiting at a real train stop.
Neo: You believe in karma?
Rama-Khandra: Karma is a word, like love. A way of saying what I am here to do.
NC (vo): Yyyeah, we're here for awhile, guys. I hope you're enjoying it.
Neo: You're programs.
Rama-Khandra: Oh, yes.
NC (vo): (as Rama-Khandra) And yet, like most of the Machines in this movie, I seem to have much more emotion than any of the human characters.
Rama-Khandra: My wife is an interactive software program and she is highly creative.
Kamala: What are you doing here?
Rama-Khandra: Goodness, I apologize. My wife can be very direct.
NC: Yes! Please! More of that! You're the first one to say something that isn't 20 pages long!
Rama-Khandra: I see that you are in love.
NC (vo): (as Neo) Aww, what gave it away? Was it how I stare into nothingness with no recognizable thought? 'Cause that's kind of how I normally am, huh-huh. (normal) But a character called the Trainman comes to take them away, leaving Tom behind.
Trainman: You're going to stay right here until the Merovingian says different.
Neo: I don't wanna hurt you.
Trainman: Down here, I make the threats.
(The Trainman then punches Neo across the room and into the wall)
NC (vo): (as Trainman) I don't need this. I'm needed Beyond Thunderdome!
Trainman: Get on the train or you'll stay here with him.
NC (vo): Thus, Tom realizes that just as much energy as he puts into it, he ends up going nowhere. (Neo goes into one tunnel, only to end up right back where he started) You can insert your own obvious metaphor for the movie here, but me, I just wanna get the fuck out of this scene! This leads us to one of Frenchie's clubs, which is, imagine, a fetish club. You do know people wear other clothes in the real world, right?
(Sir Lancelot's theme from Monty Python and the Holy Grail plays as Seraph, Trinity and Morpheus come out of the shadows, and plays whenever the camera's on them. One of the guards notices them.)
Guard: Gotta be kidding. (one more shot of the group walking to them) You must be ready to die.
(Audio of Lancelot mowing through the guards is spliced in through the fight)
NC (vo): They partake in a slo-mo gunfight because...really, I don't think the films have explored that avenue enough, and they break inside to see the Frenchman.
The Merovingian: The prodigal child returns.
Seraph: We only want to talk.
NC (vo): Of course you do! That's all anybody wants to fucking do in this movie!
Merovingian: You must have something I want.
NC (vo): Frenchie offers to make a deal that if they hand over the eyes of the Oracle, he'll give them back Tom.
Merovingian: It seems a perfectly fair and reasonable deal to me.
NC (vo): But because these films love plot threads that don't go anywhere, they say "Fuck that shit, we're just gonna point a gun at you!" I guess that works.
(Neo and Trinity have a heartfelt reunion in Mobil Ave)
NC (vo): (as Trinity) Oh, darling, let's not say anything and just suck face. (Neo) How's that any different from what we normally do? (normal) So, because you found the first boring Oracle talk in the boring Oracle room so...not boring, here's another boring Oracle talk in the boring Oracle room that you will definitely find boring.
Neo: I think it's time for me to know a few more things.
Oracle: So do I.
NC (vo): And I'm not gonna lie, watching a scene where Tom does nothing but constantly ask questions is like watching a conversation in a Buttons & Mindy cartoon.
Neo: Where is this going?
Oracle: I don't know.
Neo: You don't know or you won't tell me?
Oracle: No one can see beyond a choice they don't understand.
Neo: What choice?
Oracle: It doesn't matter.
Oracle: Because it wasn't time for you to know.
Oracle: Power of the One extends beyond this world.
Oracle: It reaches from here all the way back to where it came from.
Oracle: You are a bastard.
NC (vo): Speaking of which, after Tom leaves, Smith only ends up taking over more and more people and corners the Oracle in her kitchen.
(A group of Smiths confront the Oracle in the kitchen)
Smith: I suppose you've been expecting me, right?
(The Oracle remains silent as Smith smashes her plate of cookies into the wall)
NC (vo): (as Smith) I hate chocolate chip!
Smith: Maybe you knew I was gonna do that, maybe you didn't.
Oracle: What did you do with Sati?
Smith: Cookies need love like everything does.
(The other Smiths laugh at that statement)
NC (vo): (Laughs) Okay, this film might've been worth the price of admittance just to hear Hugo Weaving say that line.
Smith: Cookies need love like everything does.
NC (vo): (Laughs again) Actually, I think every Hugo Weaving movie needs that line.
(Clip from V for Vendetta)
V: Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and--
Smith (dubbed over V): Cookies need love like everything does.
(Clip from Transformers)
Optimus Prime: Megatron!
(Megatron attacks Optimus)
Smith (dubbed over Megatron): Cookies need love like everything does.
Optimus Prime: They deserve to choose for themselves!
(Clip from The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)
Elrond: The end has come.
Aragorn: It will not be our end, but his.
Smith (dubbed over Elrond): Cookies need love like everything does.
NC: Coming out of him, it just seems magical.
NC (vo): But he ends up taking over the Oracle, which leads to one of the silliest and most famously goofy laughs in movie history.
(Smith looks to the camera as he lets out an evil laugh. NC finds this hilarious!)
NC: I am not entirely convinced that they didn't replace him with a Hugo Weaving-style Muppet!
NC (vo): No, really. I think he'd fit in pretty well in that crowd with that face.
(A clip of the Muppet Show is shown, but with Smith's laughing face photoshopped onto the Muppets.)
Muppetsmiths: It's time to play the music! It's time to light the lights! It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!
NC (vo): But Tom believes he has to go into the heart of the Machines' homeworld to confront them and needs to take one of their ships to do it.
Morpheus: This is what the Oracle has told you.
Roland: This is asinine. If you wanna kill yourself, go do it, but go do it without wasting one of our ships.
Niobe: He can take mine.
Roland: For Christsake, Niobe!
Niobe: I'll pilot this ship. He can take mine.
NC (vo): (as Niobe) After all, he is the exact reason why we're in this godawful predicament. I think he's done more than enough to earn our phenomenally misguided trust. (normal) But Tom and Trinity's ship has a stowaway: The most menacing Hugo Weaving impression known to man.
Bane: It may appear that way to you, Mr. Anderson, and I know appearances can be deceiving.
NC: That is a damn good impression, but can he fit his entire fist in his mouth while he's laughing? (He and Smith start laughing)
NC (vo): Tom surrenders his gun to save Trinity, resulting in Agent...Kind-of Smith burning his eyes off.
(Smith-Bane shoves a sparkling wire in Neo's eyes.)
Bane: I wish you could see yourself, Mr. Anderson.
(Neo stumbles blindly, trying to find Bane.)
NC (vo): (as Neo) Marco. Marco. Oh, come on, it's the law. You're supposed to say Polo. (normal) But because we haven't done the blind prophet cliche yet, it turns out now he can see...in flame-o-vision.
(Neo's new sight allows him to see Smith's body inside of Bane's. He then slams his pipe into Bane-Smith's head, killing him.)
Neo: (hugging Trinity) It's all right, Trin. I think you're gonna have to drive.
NC (vo): (as Neo) It's cool. I can make jokes even though I should be in bloodcurdling pain. Thank God my brain is so slow, I constantly forget what's actually supposed to hurt me.
NC: Hey, speaking of things that are supposed to hurt me, you guys are awfully quiet over there. (He looks to where Malcolmus and Tamity were, only to see they're gone) Oh, good, finally, things can be less suspicious around here.
(We find Malcolmus and Tamity talking to Agent Schmuck)
Schmuck: Did you make things less suspicious around here?
Malcolmus: Yes, he is totally convinced that we haven't been affected by you.
Schmuck: Good. Everything is going according to plan.
(Schmuck takes his shades off and proceeds to laugh like Smith does. Malcolmus and Tamity attempt to get in on the laugh. Tamity can still barely move her mouth beyond a smirk)
Schmuck: Silence. Only I may do the meme-worthy laugh.
Schmuck: It's okay.
(And he goes right back into his evil laugh as we go to commercial)
(We come back from commercial)
NC (vo): So Zion is about to be wiped out by an army of Machines. (Niobe takes off her shirt as she pilots the Mjolnir) It's time to take off our shirts for no reason and get in our machines we stole from James Cameron's Aliens who ironically steal it back for Avatar. I think the real battle is between which film series is trying to be less original.
(The Machines finally drill through Zion and the defense force shoots up at every Sentinel pouring in. The seagulls going "MINE!" from Finding Nemo is added in)
Captain: Oh, my God.
(A wave of Sentinels slams through the control tower)
NC (vo): And to think, this is all because our beloved messiah said, "Fuck it. I wanna get laid more. (clip of Neo going through the left door is shown) You all can get axed off by Cthulhu sperm while I run away, taking one of your ships that's essential to your survival."
NC: Best. Messiah. Ever.
(One guy shoots upward and yells "AHHHH!")
NC (vo): So I hope you like people shooting upward and shouting "aaah," because there's exactly 20 minutes of it you get to watch. Yep, 20 minutes of this and all of its visual wonder. Just look at all the palettes of color that they have on display. Like gray, dark gray, vomit gray, snot gray, stone-reflecting-off-of-dim-fireplace gray. And all of it accompanied by flashing lights so constant that even a rave in a haunted house would get bored by it. (Morpheus' ship, the Hammer, eventually bursts into Zion and activates the EMP, deactivating every Sentinel and ending the battle) But Morpheus' ship comes in with, for lack of a better term, a freaking off switch, and finally stops the fighting.
Morpheus: You did it.
Niobe: No. We did it.
Morpheus: You're a hell of a pilot.
NC (vo): (as Niobe) No, we're a hell of a pilot. (Morpheus) We really should stop this. (Niobe) No, we really should sto--oh, yeah, sure. (normal) But it turns out, much like Tom, their ability to save the day ends up somehow fucking more people over.
Roland: Did I just miss something, Commander? I thought we just saved the dock.
Lock: That EMP knocked out almost every piece of hardware and every APU. If I were the Machines, I'd send every Sentinel I had here right now. Save the dock, Captain? You just handed it to them on a silver platter.
(NC looks around before steepling his fingers)
NC: (as Morpheus) You know, the thought occurs to me we're not very good at what we do. But, hey, at least we believed, right? No strategy, no reason? Just all faith, believing, that's a good thing to take out of this, right? Good things for people to learn in the future? (Clip of Lock being silent) I'll just slap myself. (and he slaps himself)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Tom and Trinity continue to fly toward Skynet to try and make a deal.
Neo: We're over the fuel zone.
NC (vo): But they are eventually spotted after a pretty freaking long time. However, Tom is able to zap most of them with his Jesus beams, but they eventually end up... (One of the Machines goes through Neo) punching his spirit? Which means they have to go higher up.
(Trinity flies the Logos up into the sky to shake off the Machines on the ship, becoming the first human in so long to see natural sunlight)
NC: Color! It's been so long since I've seen color!
(The Logos then dives back towards the Machine City)
NC (vo): (as Trinity) Oh, well, back to the world of smoke-stained greens and urine cake blues. What a world of imagination we live in, huh?
(The Logos makes a crash landing, finally getting into the Machine City. In that split second, several wires impale Trinity)
NC (vo): The ship crashes and Trinity, it seems, is somewhat inconvenienced by the results.
Trinity: I can't go with you, Neo. I've gone as far as I can.
Neo: What? (He feels the wires sticking through Trinity's body) Oh, no.
NC (vo): Uh, heh, I don't think she'd be quite so calm or coherent with those metal cords sticking out of her body. My guess is her dialogue would be a mix of gargling blood and...(He imitates the sound of someone choking on their own blood)
Neo: Trinity! Trinity! You can't die!
NC (vo): (as Neo) No, really, you can't die. You don't have the acting ability to do so.
Trinity: You brought me back once. But not this time.
NC (vo): (as Neo) Wait, try to think of something the Oracle said. We escaped this scenario with bullshit loopholes before! Why the hell can't we do it again?
Trinity: How grateful I was for every moment I was with you. But by the time I knew I'd say what I wanted to...
NC (vo): Jesus Christ, lady! Your death scene is literally four minutes long! I think fucking Rasputin died faster than you!
Trinity: But you brought me back.
NC (vo): (as Trinity) There is...another Anderson.
(Neo shares one final kiss with Trinity before letting her go)
NC (vo): Well, good to know all the lives you let die in Zion resulted in the exact same outcome for Trinity's dead ass!
NC: But, hey, I'm sure it was all part of the grand plan that was...about as well planned as the one in (clip of) Signs. Seriously, fate doesn't think itself through.
(Back to the movie, Neo cries over Trinity's body)
NC (vo): While Tom mourns the loss of his partner in bland, Zion gets ready to face the Machines' second wave.
(Another drill bores through the ceiling)
NC (vo): (as Machine) Attention, Zion. Do not fear. This is only a drill. Hehehe, it's a little Machine humor there. Hehehe. But seriously, you are all going to die. (Meanwhile, Neo is meeting Deus Ex Machina) But before they can wipe them out, Tom approaches the leader of the Machines, the...(picture of) Time Baby, and tries to make a truce with them.
Deus Ex Machina: What do you want?
NC (vo): Hehe. Am I the only one who wants to hear this come out of that thing's mouth? (Andross' face from Starfox is spliced over Deus Ex Machina) Seeing how Smith has apparently infected all of the Matrix, including the Machines and Programs, Tom says he can get rid of him in exchange for leaving Zion alone. Why they can't just make another Matrix like they've done so many times in the past, I don't know, but let's just pretend this movie isn't very good at answering questions, and then pretend that you're not pretending. (Several cables slither up to form a chair for Neo to sit down on as he jacks into the Matrix) Through the magic of tentacle hentai, he's thrown back into the Matrix where Smith has indeed taken over everything.
*Note: The Architect said that only the One could reload the Matrix after eliminating the anomaly.
(Everywhere Neo looks, countless copies of Smith watch over him while a heavy rainstorm fills the city. One Smith steps forward to confront Neo)
Smith: Mr. Anderson, welcome back. We missed you.
NC (vo): (as Smith) Now is the monsoon of our discontent.
Smith: You like what I've done with the place?
(Neo and Smith run towards each other in their final battle. Before that, we get a clip of the Burly Brawl)
NC (vo): So, remember how crazy, fun and over-the-top that fight was in the middle of the movies with the million Smiths all attacking at once? You might be asking yourself, "How the hell are they gonna top that?"
NC: Well, by reducing it down to just one, of course!
NC (vo): Because, yeah, even though they had a brilliant idea by having our hero fight just one villain as well as an entire army both at the same time in actually kind of an ingenious setup, they said, "Hey, let's just throw in the same slo-mo kung fu you've seen a million times mixed in with some Dragon Ball Z action you've seen a million times except now it's mostly blocked by the rain so it's even harder to make out what's going on!"
NC: Guys, that's not upping the ante, that's...taking away from the ante! Why would you do that?
NC (vo): It's so bizarre why they thought this would equal a bigger climax than the last fight they had with the Smiths. Hell, it doesn't even add up. In the last fight, he took on like a bajillion of them, fighting them off like they're deflating balloons. Why the fuck now can't he just do that to one of them? Watch this one! (Back to the Smith brawl) "I'm gonna kill you. (He's flung across by Neo) Oh, no, I'm defeated." That was pretty easy. Why's he having a hard time with this guy?* (Clip of the final boss from The Matrix: Path of Neo is shown; a giant made out of buildings, cars, signs and Smiths) Hell, even the video game had a better climax than this! A giant version of himself made out of the city. Okay, it was pretty fucking silly, but have you come to expect that from these films by now? At least it was something bigger and different. Why are we supposed to be impressed by this?
*Note: Because the Smith Neo was fighting against had the powers of the Oracle.
Schmuck: Why, indeed, Mr. Algiacritic.
(NC gets out of his desk and heads to the hall, seeing Schmuck flanked by Malcolmus and Tamity)
NC: Schmuck. I knew you infected those two! What's going on here?
Schmuck: Oh, it's very simple, really. I just want you to finish the review.
NC: What? Why?
Malcolmus: Because then, maybe fans will at least check out the movie to see just how bad it is.
Tamity: Yes, the more you hate it, the more likely it is to gain viewership from when it tanked at the box office.
NC: Oh, fuck that shit, I'm not reviewing the rest of it, then!
Schmuck: Oh, I'm afraid you have to, Mr. Algiacritic, for as you see, I've grown quite an army.
(He opens up a door to reveal an army of Schmucks)
NC: (Sighs) What's the plan, Schmuck? I mean, you know deep down these movies aren't very good.
Malcolmus: That's for him to know and for you to review.
NC: All right, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Schmuck: If by "bottom" you mean "die," then yes. Yes, you will.
NC: I...don't think that technically makes sense.
Schmuck: That's the Matrix in a nutshell, now go.
(NC reluctantly sits on the couch to finish the review)
NC (vo): So after the Smiths try to destroy Tom...
(Smith grabs onto Neo, speeding him toward the ground)
NC (vo): (as Smith) I love you so much, buddy! (Smith slams Neo into the ground, destroying a good portion of the block around them and leaving a crater) (normal) ...Tom apparently seems invulnerable...again, not quite explained, you can still bleed and die in the other two movies...as Smith starts to question what the fuck he's even doing there.
*Note: Neo was shown bleeding during the final battle. It is just very difficult for two supremely powerful beings to sustain lasting damage.
Smith: You were laying right there just like that and I, I...I stand here, right here, and I'm supposed to say something.
NC (vo): Uh, I think Weaving just got drunk and is trying to remember what he was supposed to do in the script.
Smith: What? What'd I just say?
NC: (as a drunk Hugo Weaving) I don't care how smashed I'm coming across! Nobody's gonna be in the theater to watch it anyway!
NC (vo): But Tom finally lets him win and take over his body.
(Neo has just let himself be cloned into a Smith)
Smith: Is it over?
NC: (as Smith) Shouldn't I know? Aren't you me and me you? And why am I such a crying pussy all of a sudden? Would a goofy laugh help?
(NC and Smith laugh. As NC speaks, we are shown the Machines sending their electric power onto Neo, causing the Neo-Smith, and all the other Smiths, to be destroyed once and for all, since Smith possessing Neo caused Smith to be connected to the Source)
NC (vo): But Tom's spirit results in metaphorical overload as the two entities balance each other out, destroying one another. Actually, in all fairness, a pretty clever idea for a resolution. But, Jesus, did we have to sit through so much of what we've already seen before? Couldn't the scene just be summed up in...?
*Note: This is the symbolic interpretation. By assimilating Neo, a link between the Source and Smith was created, allowing the machines to delete them all.
(A program called Antivirus Neo pops up over the Smiths)
Antivirus Neo: Hello, I'm Antivirus Neo. You have Smith malware. To delete it, press Whoa for yes, or Bogus for no. (a mouse click is heard) You have selected Whoa. It'll result in all my boring characteristics permanently deleted. (more clicks are heard) You have selected Whoa 37 times. Harsh.
NC (vo): This, of course, results in the death of Tom in the real world.
(Neo's body is carried out of the Machine City on a hovership)
NC: (singing to the tune of Ave Maria) Ave Keanu!
NC (vo): While that's going on, it looks like Zion is finally safe.
(Kid runs out to spread the good news!)
Kid: Zion! Zion, it's over! It's over! The war is over!
(All of humanity cheers as they celebrate their long-awaited freedom and the end of the war)
NC (vo): Thanks, random boy with no authority who we're just gonna choose to believe for some reason. So everything goes back to normal and the Machines agree to free anyone who wakes up from the Matrix in the future.
(The Architect meets with the Oracle at an outdoor park)
The Architect: Obviously, they will be freed.
Oracle: I have your word?
Architect: What do you think I am? Human?
NC (vo): Well, you machines do seem to be very emotional, so I think that's kind of a legit question.
(Sati and Seraph appear)
Sati: Look, look!
(Oracle notices the sun rising brightly)
Oracle: Just look at that! Did you do that?
Sati: For Neo.
Oracle: I know he'd love it.
Sati: Will we ever see him again?
Oracle: I suspect so. Someday.
NC (vo): (as Oracle) Someday, he might do a film to revive his career. Let's just pray that Cowboy Bebop movie is a rumor.
Seraph: Did you always know?
Oracle: No, I didn't. But I believed.
NC: As...programs do?
(We get one more clip of the sun rising over a new day and a new start in the Matrix)
Schmuck: Well done, Mr. Algiacritic. And now it seems that there's no...purpose to your existence.
NC: That may be all well and good, but have you considered this? (He pulls out his gun) Hi, a gun! (Schmuck ducks out of the way, but when he comes back up, there's a hole in his head) No blood? Wait a minute. I know what you guys are! (Schmuck grips his face like he's about to unmask) You're...you're... (Schmuck rips his face off to reveal another man in a fedora and trenchcoat (Played by Trevor Mueller). Even Malcolmus and Tamity are in the same outfits!) The Strangers from Dark City!
Stranger: Very clever, yes.
NC: But why? What do you--
Stranger: We were so pissed off that our movie bombed, earning only the slightest of a cult following.
Malcolm Stranger: We knew we had to retell our story to a more popular market.
Tamara Stranger: So we dumbed it down for a broader demographic.
NC: Of course. A world controlled by emotionless entities. A lead who adapts to his powers. A dark environment ruled by human impostors secretly observing them. Hell, it even ends with two people flying around destroying a city.
Stranger: But it wasn't enough. So we replaced character development with gunfights.
Tamara Stranger: Vague undertones with obvious symbolism.
Malcolm Stranger: And classic film noir with sexy people in tight outfits.
Stranger: It was a big hit, but something went wrong. The audiences caught onto our gimmicks and grew tired of the sequels.
Tamara Stranger: But you, Mr. Algia, you can say how bad it is to grow the audience's curiosity back.
NC: No, no, no. You know as well as I do. More attention should be brought to things that are timeless, not what's just popular for the moment!
Stranger: We tried it before. We dare not try it again. Nor will you.
(The Strangers walk towards NC, startling him. Suddenly, Chester A. Bum comes into the room)
Chester: Mr. MacCritic, catch!
(Chester throws a needle towards NC)
NC: Chester, I told you I don't do anything beyond pot.
Chester: No, no! Insert it into your head!
NC: Oh, that makes much more sense.
(NC stabs the needle into his head. Chester is now in the beginning of Christmas Story 2)
Chester: You're probably wondering why I keep appearing in all your memories. It's because I've inserted myself into them. (Chester's head is now over Malice's head) For as you see, I have been studying the Strangers for some time.
Chester: Eh, it's a hobby. (Now Chester's head is over NC's head in Disney Afternoon) But I have also discovered how to destroy them by using their very own power known as Ruining.
(Chester's head is now over Dante Basco's head)
Chester: The ability to ruin a perfectly good idea with unfit action and mindless puppets they call characters that the viewers can imagine themselves as! (Now his head is over Malcolm's in Catwoman) But you can Ruin, too, Critic! All you have to do is finish the review. But you must act. Now!
(NC pulls the needle out of his head. The Strangers look at him confused before NC speaks up)
NC: The Matrix films are silly...but harmless.
(The three of them are confused)
(Clips of all three movies play as NC gives the closing summary)
NC (vo): In the grand scheme of things, there are some good ideas, neat visuals, and clever analogies. There's much smarter ones out there, but at the same time, this did at least get the ball rolling for people to say, "Hey, action films can make you think, and can push the envelope of what was visually possible." Before it, action films didn't have to look like anything that special. Just people shooting guns, jumping through explosions, stuff like that. But now, every film has to have a visual style if it's going to be recognized at all in today's media. This means so many more options for creative imagery and inventive imagination. And let's give credit where credit's due, this is most likely because of The Matrix. Even if it's not the best, it did change a whole lot and deserves to be acknowledged for that. And let's be honest, every film, even the sequels, had something good in it. So on the whole, while I personally don't enjoy them, they did do more good than maybe I realized to begin with.
NC: And none of them, not even the last one, are really godawful.
(The Stranger becomes enraged that NC's opinion of The Matrix is not what he expected or wanted it to be, though because of the way he's speaking, he's trying to hide it)
Stranger: No! You must hate them! You must hate them so much that people have to see them!
NC: No, I don't. I think it's time I use some of this Ruining power to get things back to normal! (NC concentrates as a rift opens in the room) No more of the color green! (The green filter disappears!) No more weird ass fetish gear! (Malcolm and Tamara are now human again, wearing sensible clothes instead!) And no more stilted, unemotional acting! By God, you will have personality!
(One more explosion explodes not just on the rift, but the Stranger and NC as well)
NC: Ah, much better.
(The Stranger pulls himself up weakly to his feet)
Stranger: I'm dying, Nostalgia Critic. We researched so many popular stories. So many timeless philosophies. So many important sounding words. Why couldn't we make our characters more...?
NC: Human? You wanna know what makes a character human? (He picks up the Motivation & Emotion book) Well, you're not gonna find it in this. Quit looking in the wrong place.
(NC walks towards the door, leaving the defeated Stranger behind. He takes a deep breath, then opens the door, filling the room with a blinding light. In the distance on the beach, Malcolm and Tamara are staring out at the horizon. NC comes to join them)
NC: Hey, Malcolm. Hey, Tamara. What a beautiful, colorful day.
Malcolm: Sure is.
NC: Hey, you guys are smiling.
Tamara: Why is that weird?
NC: I dunno. Just haven't seen that in awhile.
Malcolm: Hey, do you guys wanna go hang out at the mall?
NC: Why, so we can sit for hours discussing our purpose or role in life?
Malcolm: No, just hang out and talk.
NC: Why, yes. Yes, I would.
(The three of them walk off to enjoy life, and hang out at the mall. We then cut back to all the Schmucks still waiting in the garage)
Schmuck: I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.
(And we finally come to the credits!)
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