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''The Matrix Reloaded''

Matrix Reloaded

Released
January 27, 2015
Running time
31:09
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(The episode opens with the “Matrix Month” opening, followed by the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his desk with a green filter over everything like the previous review)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-

(he is interrupted by Malcolmus (played by Malcolm Ray), who is off to the right with Tamity (played by Tamara Chambers))

Malcolmus (VO): You must enter the pathway of knowledge-

Malcolmus: -so that the prophecy of the destiny of the truth of the purpose of the reason we are here-

NC: (irritated) Er, what are you still doing here?

Malcolmus: What?

NC: Well, I think we finished our story arc with you guys, so what are you still doing here?

Malcolmus: Oh no, there's much, much more you can still do with us.

NC: I don't think so. We had a beginning, a middle, an end, it was totally serviceable! Anything else would just be filler!

Tamity: No, clearly we were just telling Part One of our story.

NC: Part One?

Tamity: Yes, just like all the other obviously planned trilogies like Highlander, Transformers and, of course, Pirates of the Caribbean.

Malcolmus: Plus one.

Tamity: Maybe another.

Malcolmus: Ooh, I didn't know that.

Tamity: Yes.

NC: But those were all meant to just be one film until the studio forced them to turn them into trilogies!

Malcolmus: But we got sooooo much more money out of it.

Tamity: I already got lip injections so I can finally smile. (the right side of her lip twitches a bit; the Critic looks confused) Oh yeah, that just happened.

NC: (now really annoyed) Will you get out of here? The movie has enough filler as it is!

Malcolmus: (walking off) Hmm, maybe telling the Critic that he's the Messiah was a bad idea.

Tamity: (shrugs; follows him) They already think that of themselves anyway.

NC: (sighs) Matrix Re-Bloated.

(Title screen of said movie, followed by clips)

NC (VO): After the surprise popularity of the first film, and seeing how many people were constantly paying homage to it, Warner Brothers felt they had a goldmine on their hands and felt the need to stretch this out into a trilogy. What followed was an impressive looking spectacle that needed to throw in more of what made the first film so popular... including the bad shit. More endless speeches, more pointless fight scenes, more self-indulgent dialogue who, like Shyamalan, thinks sounds more epic if you don't use contractions.

Lock: We do not wish to start a panic.

Morpheus: Some of you do not.

Oracle: We do not know what happened.

Morpheus: That is, of course, your prerogative.

Neo: The meeting is over.

Morpheus: You know why we are here.

NC (VO): Seriously, writers, why are you so afraid of the apostrophe?

NC: (an apostrophe with a sad face appears) Look as him, he just wants to make your sentences more practical!

NC (VO): While most Matrix fans would probably cream their pants for this, most of them were actually disappointed by it, because, even for a Matrix movie, it connected practically none of it to a coherent story.

NC: Let's see if we can make sense to what was originally trying to be so blatantly obvious. This is the Matrix Reloaded.

NC (VO): So the movie starts off by establishing a subtle atmosphere through build-up and mystery- (Trinity is shown riding a motorbike over a building before flipping off and landing while the motorcycle blows up the building in front of her; cut to a picture of Michael Bay)

Michael Bay: Ooooh, Wachowskis, you made me cum!

(Trinity begins fighting the guards)

NC (VO): (as a guard) Sir, we have a report of a dominatrix who somehow blew up a building with a motorcycle! (as a guard on the other end of the line) Whatever you do, don't use your guns and just pray she's not armed with a helmet! (as the first guard) She is, sir. (as the other guard) Then God help us all.

Trinity: I'm in.

NC (VO): So finally they explain what's going on and- (Trinity smashes out of a high window of a skyscraper) Or just more of this bullshit. (a midair gunfight ensues between Trinity and an Agent in which Trinity is shot in the stomach before hitting a car below; Neo then wakes up, revealing it to have been a dream)

NC as Neo: No, I love that car! Oh.

NC (VO): We see once again Keanu Reeves portraying Tom (Neo) who keeps having a dream about his girlfriend Trinity smashing into a car. Funny, most of the women he dates dreams about him smashing into a car. (rimshot) Morpheus, again played by Laurence Fishburne, has yet another bloated talk with a crew member named Link.

Morpheus: Link.

Link: Yes, sir?

NC: Oh, I do hope what only takes a sentence to say goes on for several minutes.

Morpheus: Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate on board my ship-

NC: Translation?

NC as Morpheus: Trust me.

NC as Link: Okay.

NC: Move along.

(the scene is fast-forwarded)

NC (VO): So Morpheus' gang meets up with a bunch of other people who like to wear shades in dark places as they pick the safest of meeting grounds: the Matrix. Which I think most of these films have spent establishing why that's not the safest of meeting grounds, but, hey, these films also suggest the world's going to be saved by Hot Topic. Are you surprised by anything anymore?

(a group of Agents break into the meeting grounds)

NC (VO): Speaking of which, (to the tune of Men In Black) here come the Men in Bland.

Neo: Hiya, fellas.

Agent 1: It's him.

Agent 2: The anomaly.

Agent 3: Do we proceed?

Agent 2: Yes.

Agent 3: He is still...

Agent 1: ...only human.

NC as an Agent: Let's do it! It's not even been ten minutes and we're already on our third action scene! We're trying to top Sin City for most violence per minute!

(Neo easily fights them off)

NC as Neo: Um, still wanna show off that I'm awesome... (crouches down, then takes off into flight) The power of Reeves compels you!

Trinity: Is Neo okay?

Link: Okay? Shit, Morpheus, you should've seen him.

Morpheus: Where is he?

Link: He's doing his Superman thing.

NC (VO): Well if by Superman, you mean spending a lot of money on (a picture of Superman from Man of Steel appears in the top left corner) a computer-generated bland psychopath who hurts more people than he saves, then, yeah, that's a fair assessment. But don't worry, there's more buttloads of money this movie's budget wants to flaunt. Like look at all these effects thrown into just the landing of their damn ship.

(futuristic air traffic controllers are shown in the Matrix at holographic displays)

Air Traffic Controller: Nebuchadnezzar, this is Zion Control. Maintain present velocity and stand by.

Link: Roger that, Control.

NC: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You need to go into the Matrix just to push buttons? You need to go onto a computer to simulate going on a computer? (beat) Why don't you just go onto a computer?!

Neo: Whoa.

NC (vo): So as you can see, the incredible Zion that's been built up in the past just seems to be a series of mall bridges that, just like the real Holy Land, is dangerous, overhyped, underwhelmingly depressing, and people will still fight to the fucking death for it. Meanwhile, Morpheus has a talk with the commissioner. Yeah, I'm sure he has like a different title or whatever, but listen to him. he's the angry commissioner.

Lock: I wanted to offer you the chance to explain your actions.

Morpheus: I wasn't aware that my actions required any explanation.

Lock: You were given a direct order to return to Zion. I don't care about Oracles or prophecies or messiahs. I care about one thing. I need soldiers to obey my orders.

NC (vo): (as Lock) You have no rights, Morpheus. (Morpheus) And what about the rights of that little girl? (Lock) I'm just trying to figure out how I went from Titus to this crap! (Morpheus) You were great in that. (Lock) I know I was great in that!

Link: Last stop. See you soon. (Link and Kid leave the elevator. Soon as the doors close, Neo and Trinity start making out with each other)

NC (vo): Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Remember how in the first film (Neo and Trinity in the first movie) Tom and Trinity had no chemistry whatsoever? (Clips of every kiss they share in the movie is shown) Well, in this movie they make up for that not by giving them things in common or personality traits to work off of, but rather just have them suck face whenever they have a second alone. It's...really...awkward.

NC: It's kinda like when (vo) Michael Jackson kissed Lisa Marie Presley. It's so forced and in your face that I think a school play of (picture of two kids about to kiss) two kids kissing would be more believable.

Councilor Hamann: Tonight, let us honor these men and women. Let us remember those that have been lost. Now I would like someone else to propose a prayer. I give you Morpheus. (the crowd cheers the announcement)

NC (vo): So Morpheus greets his sleeveless brethren and lets out a speech that's pretty much every movie speech you've ever heard in every movie.

Morpheus: Let us be heard from Red Tar to Black Sky! Tonight, let us make them remember. This is Zion, and we are not afraid! (The crowd cheers his speech)

NC: Tonight, we dine in our Independence Day!

NC (vo): And of course to honor the fallen dead Morpheus mentioned earlier, they break out the rave music and start fucking like jackrabbits.

(Slo-mo clips of people dancing is shown)

NC: It's...what their memories would have wanted.

NC (vo): So nice to see this apparently religious ceremony is looking about as close to the imagery of Hell as you can get. Of course it doesn't even help that there's even more of Tom and Trinity making out. And it goes on for, I'm not kidding here, for almost five minutes. Five minutes of this. Did you just look at a (Tommy) Wiseau production and say, "Fuck it, we can make it even weirder?" Just add some wet dreads, mud, and...back sockets.

NC: You're making the leathery stuff look normal!

(The scene finishes up as Neo and Trinity...finish up)

NC (vo): (as Neo) Oh, sorry. Much like the movie, it was all built up to a disappointing climax. Bogus. (normal) So after Burning Man 2.Whoa, Zion apparently deserves its sleep after its religious fucking and tries to get some rest.

Morpheus: Good night, Zion.

Marines from Full Metal Jacket: (audio) Good night, Sir!

NC (vo): But little do they know that one of their men is about to get infected by a heavy dose of ham.

(Smith infects Bane, turning him into a clone of himself)

Bane: Oh god.

Smith: Smith will suffice.

NC (vo): Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving, infects the real-life brain of the crew member...which even by Matrix rules I don't really get.

NC: (pinching his hand) Our flesh and blood can be hacked?

NC (vo): But that doesn't matter much as Tom is about to go see the Oracle.

Seraph: I can take you to her, but first, I must apologize.

Neo: Apologize for what?

NC: Gee, I don't know, a fight.

(Seraph and Neo get in to a fight)

NC (vo): What a shock. You do everything around here with a fight. "I wanna see my mother." Fight! "I wanna get some sugar." Fight! "I wanna fight!" Let's have a philosophical conversation about what it means to be human.

(Seraph stops the fight)

Seraph: Good. I had to be sure.

Neo: Of what?

Seraph: That you are the One.

Neo: Could've just asked.

Seraph: No. You do not truly know someone until you fight them.

NC: So I should fight whoever I'm dating?

NC (vo): He once again meets up with the Oracle on a park bench.

Oracle: Why don't you come and have a sit this time?

Neo: Maybe I'll stand.

Oracle: Well suit yourself.

(After a moment, Neo decides to sit down on the bench)

Neo: I felt like sitting.

Oracle: I know.

NC (vo): Just to be clear, that was the comedy portion of the film, folks. Deciding whether or not he was going to sit down.

NC: Next, they're gonna discuss the hilarious ramifications of blinking too fast! They do still blink, right?

Oracle: Candy?

Neo: You already know if I'm going to take it.

Oracle: Wouldn't be much of an oracle of I didn't.

Neo: But if you already know, how can I make a choice?

Oracle: Because you didn't come here to make the choice. You've already made it.

NC: Translation.

NC (vo): (As Neo) You're a program. (Oracle) Yep.

NC: Move it on.

(And the scene fast forwards)

NC (vo): But something Weaving this way comes as conveyed by these dark crows who are so over the top menacing that they should be carrying signs saying "he's bad!" (Signs saying "He's bad!!!" are added onto the crows)

Smith: Surprised to see me?

Neo: No.

Smith: I don't fully understand how it happened. Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me. Something overwritten or copied.

NC (vo): (as Smith) Or maybe it's just lazy writing.

Smith: Now here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson. Because of you, I've changed, I'm unplugged. (pointing to his ear where his earpiece used to be) A new man, so to speak, like you, apparently free.

NC: (as Smith) They still haven't programmed my inflections right, but if Christopher Walken can milk it, why can't I?

Smith: There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.

NC: Ugh, translation.

NC (vo): (as Smith) I hate you. (Neo) I hate you!

(Clip from Star Wars Episode IV)

Storm trooper: Move along.

(And now we come to the Burly Brawl)

NC (vo): So it's Revenge of the Smiths as a group of them try to attack Tom. However, when that doesn't work, he gets even more. (Quick clip of him infecting another Agent) And when that doesn't work, he gets even more. And when that doesn't work, he gets more and more and more and holy fucking shit! I should be bored by the fact that this is the fifth fight scene and we're not even halfway through the movie yet, but honestly, the access is just so batshit insane, it's actually kind of ridiculously fun! The fact that I'm seeing dozens of Hugo Weavings constantly get punched in the face like a whack-a-mole is fucking hilarious to me! I'm not gonna lie! I can watch this for hours! Just imagine him saying "ow" every single time he's smacked.

(Each time a Smith is hit, they say ow in a monotone way! Even when Neo holds onto the staff and runs across them, and when they get bowled over by another Smith!)

NC (vo): Of course we go into video game land again when the seriously dated CGI takes over, and even that's kind of funny when they pile on top of him like an army of cartoon ants!

NC: Why don't they just take on the shape of a big, giant monster while they're at it?

(A giant monster made of Smiths is shown)

Smith Monster: Wokka wokka, Mr. Anderson.

(All the Smiths pile on top of Neo)

Smith: It is inevitable.

(The rest of the team has been watching the battle inside the Nebuchadnezzar)

Trinity: Come on, get out of there.

NC: (as Trinity) Don't make me raise my voice again.

(Neo breaks free of the dogpile and then flies off)

NC (vo): (as Smith) Why didn't he do that before? (2) Yeah, could have saved us six minutes. (1) Well, I'm off to look silly in Lord of the Rings. (2) I'm off to look silly in Cloud Atlas. (3) I'm off to look silly in Captain America. (4) I'm off to look silly in V for Vendetta. (5) And I'm off to sound silly in Transformers. (all) Sellout!

NC: (sniffs the air) Say, is it me or do you smell an unnecessary dual performance?

(NC heads out of the office and finds Agent Schmuck walking menacingly towards him, framed with flaming doves!)

NC: Uh, nope! (He closes the door and heads back inside, only to see Schmuck in front of him!)

Schmuck: Mr. Algiacritic.

NC: Schmuck!

Schmuck: Oh please, that was the old me. The new me goes by Schmucker.

NC: Why?

Schmucker: Because I'm such a cliched character it's so easy to make. There's literally a Schmucker born every minute. (Four Schmucker clones appear behind him)

NC: Wow, you're good!

Schmucker: Of course, with a name like Schmucker, I have to be good. A special shoutout to the people over 30 who actually got that joke. We appreciate your viewership. (the other Schmuckers behind him nod)

NC: Enough of this talk. What's your plan, Vulcan brow?

(The clones behind him are preparing to beat NC up by cracking their knuckles, cocking their fists or rolling up their sleeves)

Schmucker: Well, it's funny you say that. We plan to teach you a valuable lesson for reviewing these films.

NC: You're gonna kick the crap out of me?

Schmucker: Worse. We're gonna make philosophical speeches about why you shouldn't.

(The group of Schmuckers start talking over themselves, making their own philosophical speeches)

NC: (clutching his head) Ohhhh gooood, noooo! Ahhh, stop it, stop it, stop it stop it stop it!

(The Schmuckers continue on with their speeches as NC lets out a pained scream, the camera zooming in on his flailing tongue before we go to commercial!)

(We come back from commercial with the Schmuckers still waxing philosophical, torturing NC with it until Malcolmus and Tamity come to his rescue)

Malcolmus: Our destiny is not one that can be foretold unless its truth lies in the purpose of the lie.

(The Schmuckers continue their speeches)

NC: What's going on here?

Tamity: It's a pretentious blow-off. They're seeing who can make the most nonsense make sense.

Malcolmus: Our paths cannot be changed. Whereas to do so to control the past is to control the present. To deny who we are, to deny what we are, (the Schmuckers start clutching their heads at the pretentiousness) to deny why we are. That, my friend, is life itself.

(The four clones behind Schmucker blow up)

NC: Oh my god, you literally blew their ears off!

Malcolmus: Don't ever deny my pretentiousness again. (He sheathes his katana as he says this)

Schmucker: This is not over, Malcolmus! (He runs away while pointing at Malcolmus)

Tamity: My sources have indicated that the pathway to knowledge is here.

NC: The what?

Malcolmus: Filler plotline to drag things out.

NC: Oh, all right, well you guys continue on your little sidequest. I'm just gonna keep doing the review, all right?

Tamity: I am madly in love with you.

NC: Where the fuck did that come from?

Malcolmus: (facepalming at that revelation) Come on, Tamity, that's like the fifth messiah you've had the hots for.

NC: Wh--I'm number five!?

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