''The Matrix Reloaded''

Matrix Reloaded.jpg

January 27, 2015
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(The episode opens with the “Matrix Month” opening, followed by the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his desk with a green filter over everything like the previous review)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-

(he is interrupted by Malcolmus, who is off to the right with Tamity)

Malcolmus (VO): You must enter the pathway of knowledge-

Malcolmus: -so that the prophecy of the destiny of the truth of the purpose of the reason we are here-

NC: (irritated) Er, what are you still doing here?

Malcolmus: What?

NC: Well, I think we finished our story arc with you guys, so what are you still doing here?

Malcolmus: Oh no, there's much, much more you can still do with us.

NC: I don't think so. We had a beginning, a middle, an end, it was totally serviceable! Anything else would just be filler!

Tamity: No, clearly we were just telling Part One of our story.

NC: Part One?

Tamity: Yes, just like all the other obviously planned trilogies like Highlander, Transformers and, of course, Pirates of the Caribbean.

Malcolmus: Plus one.

Tamity: Maybe another.

Malcolmus: Ooh, I didn't know that.

Tamity: Yes.

NC: But those were all meant to just be one film until the studio forced them to turn them into trilogies!

Malcolmus: But we got sooooo much more money out of it.

Tamity: I already got lip injections so I can finally smile. (the right side of her lip twitches a bit; the Critic looks confused) Oh yeah, that just happened.

NC: (now really annoyed) Will you get out of here? The movie has enough filler as it is!

Malcolmus: (walking off) Hmm, maybe telling the Critic that he's the Messiah was a bad idea.

Tamity: (shrugs; follows him) They already think that of themselves anyway.

NC: (sighs) Matrix Re-Bloated.

(Title screen of said movie, followed by clips)

NC (VO): After the surprise popularity of the first film, and seeing how many people were constantly paying homage to it, Warner Brothers felt they had a goldmine on their hands and felt the need to stretch this out into a trilogy. What followed was an impressive looking spectacle that needed to throw in more of what made the first film so popular... including the bad shit. More endless speeches, more pointless fight scenes, more self-indulgent dialogue who, like Shyamalan, thinks sounds more epic if you don't use contractions.

Lock: We do not wish to start a panic.

Morpheus: Some of you do not.

Oracle: We do not know what happened.

Morpheus: That is, of course, your prerogative.

Neo: The meeting is over.

Morpheus: You know why we are here.

NC (VO): Seriously, writers, why are you so afraid of the apostrophe?

NC: (an apostrophe with a sad face appears) Look as him, he just wants to make your sentences more practical!

NC (VO): While most Matrix fans would probably cream their pants for this, most of them were actually disappointed by it, because, even for a Matrix movie, it connected practically none of it to a coherent story.

NC: Let's see if we can make sense to what was originally trying to be so blatantly obvious. This is the Matrix Reloaded.

NC (VO): So the movie starts off by establishing a subtle atmosphere through build-up and mystery- (Trinity is shown riding a motorbike over a building before flipping off and landing while the motorcycle blows up the building in front of her; cut to a picture of Michael Bay)

Michael Bay: Ooooh, Wachowskis, you made me cum!

(Trinity begins fighting the guards)

NC (VO): (as a guard) Sir, we have a report of a dominatrix who somehow blew up a building with a motorcycle! (as a guard on the other end of the line) Whatever you do, don't use your guns and just pray she's not armed with a helmet! (as the first guard) She is, sir. (as the other guard) Then God help us all.

Trinity: I'm in.

NC (VO): So finally they explain what's going on and- (Trinity smashes out of a high window of a skyscraper) Or just more of this bullshit. (a midair gunfight ensues between Trinity and an Agent in which Trinity is shot in the stomach before hitting a car below; Neo then wakes up, revealing it to have been a dream)

NC as Neo: No, I love that car! Oh.

NC (VO): We see once again Keanu Reeves portraying Tom (Neo) who keeps having a dream about his girlfriend Trinity smashing into a car. Funny, most of the women he dates dreams about him smashing into a car. (rimshot) Morpheus, again played by Laurence Fishburne, has yet another bloated talk with a crew member named Link.

Morpheus: Link.

Link: Yes, sir?

NC: Oh, I do hope what only takes a sentence to say goes on for several minutes.

Morpheus: Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate on board my ship-

NC: Translation?

NC as Morpheus: Trust me.

NC as Link: Okay.

NC: Move along.

(the scene is fast-forwarded)

NC (VO): So Morpheus' gang meets up with a bunch of other people who like to wear shades in dark places as they pick the safest of meeting grounds: the Matrix. Which I think most of these films have spent establishing why that's not the safest of meeting grounds, but, hey, these films also suggest the world's going to be saved by Hot Topic. Are you surprised by anything anymore?

(a group of Agents break into the meeting grounds)

NC (VO): Speaking of which, (sing-song voice) here come the Men in Bland.

Neo: Hiya, fellas.

Agent 1: It's him.

Agent 2: The anomaly.

Agent 3: Do we proceed?

Agent 2: Yes.

Agent 3: He is still...

Agent 1: ...only human.

NC as an Agent: Let's do it! It's not even been ten minutes and we're already on our third action scene! We're trying to top Sin City for most violence per minute!

(Neo easily fights them off)

NC as Neo: Um, still wanna show off that I'm awesome... (crouches down, then takes off into flight) The power of Reeves compels you!

Trinity: Is Neo okay?

Link: Okay? Shit, Morpheus, you should've seen him.

Morpheus: Where is he?

Link: He's doing his Superman thing.

NC (VO): Well if by Superman, you mean spending a lot of money on (a picture of Superman from Man of Steel appears in the top left corner) a computer-generated bland psychopath who hurts more people than he saves, then, yeah, that's a fair assessment. But don't worry, there's more buttloads of money this film's budget wants to flaunt. Like look at all these effects thrown into just the landing of their damn ship.

(futuristic air traffic controllers are shown in the Matrix at holographic displays)

Air Traffic Controller: Nebuchadnezzar, this is Zion Control. Maintain present velocity and stand by.

Link: Roger that, Control.

NC: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You need to go into the Matrix just to push buttons? You need to go onto a computer to simulate going on a computer? (beat) Why don't you just go onto a computer?!

Neo: Whoa.

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