(The episode opens with the “Matrix Month” opening, followed by the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his desk with a green filter over everything like the previous review)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-
(he is interrupted by Malcolmus, who is off to the right with Tamity)
Malcolmus (VO): You must enter the pathway of knowledge-
Malcolmus: -so that the prophecy of the destiny of the truth of the purpose of the reason we are here-
NC: (irritated) Er, what are you still doing here?
NC: Well, I think we finished our story arc with you guys, so what are you still doing here?
Malcolmus: Oh no, there's much, much more you can still do with us.
NC: I don't think so. We had a beginning, a middle, an end, it was totally serviceable! Anything else would just be filler!
Tamity: No, clearly we were just telling Part One of our story.
NC: Part One?
Tamity: Yes, just like all the other obviously planned trilogies like Highlander, Transformers and, of course, Pirates of the Caribbean.
Malcolmus: Plus one.
Tamity: Maybe another.
Malcolmus: Ooh, I didn't know that.
NC: But those were all meant to just be one film until the studio forced them to turn them into trilogies!
Malcolmus: But we got sooooo much more money out of it.
Tamity: I already got lip injections so I can finally smile. (the right side of her lip twitches a bit; the Critic looks confused) Oh yeah, that just happened.
NC: (now really annoyed) Will you get out of here? The movie has enough filler as it is!
Malcolmus: (walking off) Hmm, maybe telling the Critic that he's the Messiah was a bad idea.
Tamity: (shrugs; follows him) They already think that of themselves anyway.
NC: (sighs) Matrix Re-Bloated.
(Title screen of said movie, followed by clips)
NC (VO): After the surprise popularity of the first film, and seeing how many people were constantly paying homage to it, Warner Brothers felt they had a goldmine on their hands and felt the need to stretch this out into a trilogy. What followed was an impressive looking spectacle that needed to throw in more of what made the first film so popular... including the bad shit. More endless speeches, more pointless fight scenes, more self-indulgent dialogue who, like Shyamalan, thinks sounds more epic if you don't use contractions.
Lock: We do not wish to start a panic.
Morpheus: Some of you do not.
Oracle: We do not know what happened.
Morpheus: That is, of course, your prerogative.
Neo: The meeting is over.
Morpheus: You know why we are here.
NC (VO): Seriously, writers, why are you so afraid of the apostrophe?
NC: (an apostrophe with a sad face appears) Look as him, he just wants to make your sentences more practical!
NC (VO): While most Matrix fans would probably cream their pants for this, most of them were actually disappointed by it, because, even for a Matrix movie, it connected practically none of it to a coherent story.
NC: Let's see if we can make sense to what was originally trying to be so blatantly obvious. This is the Matrix Reloaded.
NC (VO): So the movie starts off by establishing a subtle atmosphere through build-up and mystery- (Trinity is shown riding a motorbike over a building before flipping off and landing while the motorcycle blows up the building in front of her; cut to a picture of Michael Bay)
Michael Bay: Ooooh, Wachowskis, you made me cum!
(Trinity begins fighting the guards)
NC (VO): (as a guard) Sir, we have a report of a dominatrix who somehow blew up a building with a motorcycle! (as a guard on the other end of the line) Whatever you do, don't use your guns and just pray she's not armed with a helmet! (as the first guard) She is, sir. (as the other guard) Then God help us all.
Trinity: I'm in.
NC (VO): So finally they explain what's going on and- (Trinity smashes out of a high window of a skyscraper) Or just more of this bullshit. (a midair gunfight ensues between Trinity and an Agent in which Trinity is shot in the stomach before hitting a car below; Neo then wakes up, revealing it to have been a dream)
NC as Neo: No, I love that car! Oh.
NC (VO): We see once again Keanu Reeves portraying Tom (Neo) who keeps having a dream about his girlfriend Trinity smashing into a car. Funny, most of the women he dates dreams about him smashing into a car. (rimshot) Morpheus, again played by Laurence Fishburne, has yet another bloated talk with a crew member named Link.
Link: Yes, sir?
NC: Oh, I do hope what only takes a sentence to say goes on for several minutes.
Morpheus: Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate on board my ship-
NC as Morpheus: Trust me.
NC as Link: Okay.
NC: Move along.
(the scene is fast-forwarded)
NC (VO): So Morpheus' gang meets up with a bunch of other people who like to wear shades in dark places as they pick the safest of meeting grounds: the Matrix. Which I think most of these films have spent establishing why that's not the safest of meeting grounds, but, hey, these films also suggest the world's going to be saved by Hot Topic. Are you surprised by anything anymore?
(a group of Agents break into the meeting grounds)
NC (VO): Speaking of which, (sing-song voice) here come the Men in Bland.
Neo: Hiya, fellas.
Agent 1: It's him.
Agent 2: The anomaly.
Agent 3: Do we proceed?
Agent 2: Yes.
Agent 3: He is still...
Agent 1: ...only human.
NC as an Agent: Let's do it! It's not even been ten minutes and we're already on our third action scene! We're trying to top Sin City for most violence per minute!
(Neo easily fights them off)
NC as Neo: Um, still wanna show off that I'm awesome... (crouches down, then takes off into flight) The power of Reeves compels you!
Trinity: Is Neo okay?
Link: Okay? Shit, Morpheus, you should've seen him.
Morpheus: Where is he?
Link: He's doing his Superman thing.
NC (VO): Well if by Superman, you mean spending a lot of money on (a picture of Superman from Man of Steel appears in the top left corner) a computer-generated bland psychopath who hurts more people than he saves, then, yeah, that's a fair assessment. But don't worry, there's more buttloads of money this film's budget wants to flaunt. Like look at all these effects thrown into just the landing of their damn ship.
(futuristic air traffic controllers are shown in the Matrix at holographic displays)
Air Traffic Controller: Nebuchadnezzar, this is Zion Control. Maintain present velocity and stand by.
Link: Roger that, Control.
NC: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You need to go into the Matrix just to push buttons? You need to go onto a computer to simulate going on a computer? (beat) Why don't you just go onto a computer?!
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month