January 27, 2015
(The episode opens with the “Matrix Month” opening, followed by the Nostalgia Critic sitting at his desk with a green filter over everything like the previous review)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-
(He is interrupted by Malcolmus (played by Malcolm Ray), who is off to the right with Tamity (played by Tamara Chambers))
Malcolmus (vo): You must enter the pathway of knowledge-
Malcolmus: -so that the prophecy of the destiny of the truth of the purpose of the reason we are here-
NC: (irritated) Er, what are you still doing here?
NC: Well, I think we finished our story arc with you guys, so what are you still doing here?
Malcolmus: Oh, no, there's much, much more you can still do with us.
NC: I don't think so. We had a beginning, a middle, an end, it was totally serviceable! Anything else would just be filler.
Tamity: No, clearly we were just telling Part One of our story.
NC: Part One?
Malcolmus: Ooh, I didn't know that.
NC: Yeah, but those were all meant to just be one film until the studio forced them to turn them into trilogies!
- Note: The Matrix was intended as a trilogy as early as when it was first released.
Malcolmus: But we got sooooo much more money out of it.
Tamity: I already got lip injections so I can finally smile. (The right side of her lip twitches a bit; the Critic looks confused) Oh, yeah, that just happened.
NC: (now really annoyed) Will you get out of here? The movie has enough filler as it is!
Malcolmus: (walking off) Hmm, maybe telling the Critic that he's the Messiah was a bad idea.
Tamity: (shrugs; follows him) They already think that of themselves anyway.
NC: (sighs) Matrix Re-Bloated.
(Title screen of said movie, followed by clips, are shown)
NC (vo): After the surprise popularity of the first film, and seeing how many people were constantly paying homage to it, Warner Bros. felt they had a goldmine on their hands and felt the need to stretch this out into a trilogy. What followed was an impressive-looking spectacle that needed to throw in more of what made the first film so popular...including the bad shit. More endless speeches, more pointless fight scenes, more self-indulgent dialogue who, like Shyamalan, thinks sounds more epic if you don't use contractions.
Lock: We do not wish to start a panic.
Morpheus: Some of you do not.
Oracle: We do not know what happened.
Morpheus: That is, of course, your prerogative.
Neo: The meeting is over.
Morpheus: You know why we are here.
NC (vo): Seriously, writers, why are you so afraid of the apostrophe?
NC: (an apostrophe with a sad face appears) Look at him, he just wants to make your sentences more practical!
NC (vo): While most Matrix fans would probably cream their pants for this, most of them actually were disappointed by it, because, even for a Matrix movie, it connected practically none of it to a coherent story.
NC: Let's see if we can make sense to what was originally trying to be so blatantly obvious. This is The Matrix Reloaded.
(The movie begins)
NC (vo): So the movie starts off by establishing a subtle atmosphere through build-up and mystery-
(Trinity is shown riding a motorbike over a building before flipping off and landing while the motorcycle blows up the building in front of her; cut to a picture of Michael Bay)
Michael Bay (voiced by NC): Ooooh, Wachowskis, you made me cum!
(Trinity begins fighting the guards)
NC (vo; as a guard): Sir, we have a report of a dominatrix who somehow blew up a building with a motorcycle! (as a guard on the other end of the line) Whatever you do, don't use your guns and pray she's not armed with a helmet! (as the first guard) She is, sir. (as the other guard) Then God help us all.
Trinity: I'm in.
NC (vo): So finally, they explain what's going on and- (Trinity smashes out of a high window of a skyscraper) Or just more of this bullshit.
(A midair gunfight ensues between Trinity and an Agent in which Trinity is shot in the stomach before hitting a car below; Neo then wakes up, revealing it to have been a dream)
NC (vo; as Neo): No, I love that car! Oh.
NC (vo): We see once again Keanu Reeves portraying Tom (Neo), who keeps having a dream about his girlfriend Trinity smashing into a car. Funny, most of the women he dates dreams about him smashing into a car. (A rimshot is heard) Morpheus, again played by Laurence Fishburne, has yet another bloated talk with a crew member named Link.
Link: Yes, sir?
NC: Oh, I do hope what only takes a sentence to say goes on for several minutes.
Morpheus: Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate on board my ship-
NC (vo; as Morpheus): Trust me.
NC (vo; as Link): Okay.
NC: Move along.
(The scene is fast-forwarded)
NC (vo): So Morpheus' gang meets up with a bunch of other people who like to wear shades in dark places as they pick the safest of meeting grounds: the Matrix. Which I think these films have spent most of their time establishing why that's not the safest of meeting grounds, but, hey, this film also suggests the world's going to be saved by Hot Topic. Are you surprised by anything anymore?
(A group of Agents break into the meeting grounds)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, (to the tune of "Men In Black") here come the Men in Bland.
Neo: Hiya, fellas.
Agent 1: It's him.
Agent 2: The anomaly.
Agent 3: Do we proceed?
Agent 2: Yes.
Agent 3: He is still...
Agent 1: ...only human.
NC (vo; as an Agent): Let's do it! It's not even been ten minutes and we're already on our third action scene! We're trying to top Sin City for most violence per minute!
(Neo easily fights them off)
NC (vo; as Neo): Um, still wanna show off that I'm awesome... (crouches down, then takes off into flight) The power of Reeves compels you!
Trinity: Is Neo okay?
Link: Okay? Shit, Morpheus, you should've seen him.
Morpheus: Where is he?
Link: He's doing his Superman thing.
(Neo is shown flying in the sky)
NC (vo): Well, if by Superman, you mean spending a lot of money on (a picture of Superman from Man of Steel appears in the top left corner) a computer-generated bland psychopath who hurts more people than he saves, then, yeah, that's a fair assessment. But don't worry, there's more buttloads of money this movie's budget wants to flaunt. Like, look at all these effects thrown into just the landing of their damn ship.
(Futuristic air traffic controllers are shown in the Matrix at holographic displays)
Air Traffic Controller: Nebuchadnezzar, this is Zion Control. Maintain present velocity and stand by.
Link: Roger that, Control.
NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You need to go into the Matrix just to push buttons? You need to go onto a computer to simulate going on a computer? (beat) Why don't you just go onto a computer?!
(Zion, the last stronghold of humanity, is shown in several clips)
NC (vo): So as you can see, the incredible Zion that's been built up in the past just seems to be a series of mall bridges that, just like the real Holy Land, is dangerous, overhyped, underwhelmingly depressing, and yet people will still fight to the fucking death for it.
(Morpheus comes into a room to see Commander Lock)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Morpheus has a talk with the commissioner. Yeah, I'm sure he has like a different title or whatever, but listen to him. he's the angry commissioner.
Lock: I wanted to offer you the chance to explain your actions.
Morpheus: I wasn't aware that my actions required any explanation.
Lock: You were given a direct order to return to Zion. I don't care about Oracles or prophecies or messiahs. I care about one thing. I need soldiers to obey my orders.
NC (vo; as Lock): You have no rights, Morpheus. (as Morpheus) And what about the rights of that little girl? (as Lock) I'm just trying to figure out how I went from Titus to this crap! (as Morpheus) You were great in that. (as Lock) I know I was great in that!
(Neo, Trinity, Link and a kid named Kid are shown in an elevator)
Link: Last stop. See you soon.
(Link and Kid leave the elevator. As soon as the doors close, Neo and Trinity start making out with each other)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. Remember how in the first film (Neo and Trinity in the first movie) Tom and Trinity had no chemistry whatsoever? (Clips of every kiss they share in the movie is shown) Well, in this one, they make up for that not by giving them things in common or personality traits to work off of, but rather just have them suck face whenever they have a second alone. It's...really...awkward.
NC: It's kinda like when...
NC (vo): ...Michael Jackson kissed Lisa Marie Presley. It's so forced and in your face that I think a school play of (picture of two kids about to kiss) two kids kissing would be more believable.
(In Zion, Councilor Hamann speaks with all the people gathered)
Councilor Hamann: Tonight, let us honor these men and women. Let us remember those that have been lost. Now I would like someone else to propose his prayer. I give you Morpheus. (The crowd cheers the announcement)
NC (vo): So Morpheus greets his sleeveless brethren and lets out a speech that's pretty much every movie speech you've ever heard in every movie.
Morpheus: Let us be heard from Red Tar to Black Sky! Tonight, let us make them remember. This is Zion, and we are not afraid! (The crowd cheers his speech)
NC: Tonight, we dine in our Independence Day!
NC (vo): And, of course, to honor the fallen dead Morpheus mentioned earlier, they break out the rave music and start fucking like jackrabbits.
(Slo-mo clips of people dancing is shown)
NC: It's...what their memories would have wanted.
NC (vo): So nice to see this apparently religious ceremony is looking about as close to the imagery of Hell as you can get. Of course, it doesn't even help that there's even more of Tom and Trinity making out. And it goes on, I'm not kidding here, for almost five minutes. Five minutes of this. Did you just look at a (Tommy) Wiseau production and say, "Fuck it, we can make it even weirder?" Just add some wet dreads, mud, and...back sockets.
NC: You're making the leathery stuff look normal!
(The scene finishes up as Neo and Trinity...finish up)
NC (vo; as Neo): Oh, sorry. Much like the movie, it was all built up to a disappointing climax. Bogus. (normal) So after "Burning Man 2: Whoa", Zion apparently deserves its sleep after its religious fucking and tries to get some rest.
Morpheus: Good night, Zion.
Marines from Full Metal Jacket: (audio) Good night, Sir!
NC (vo): But little do they know that one of their men is about to get infected by a heavy dose of ham.
(Smith infects a man named Bane, turning him into a clone of himself)
Bane: Oh, God.
Smith: Smith will suffice.
NC (vo): Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving, infects the real-life brain of the crew member...which, even by Matrix rules, I don't really get.
NC: (pinching his hand) Our flesh and blood can be hacked?
NC (vo): But that doesn't matter much as Tom is about to go see the Oracle.
(Neo meets up with the Oracle's bodyguard, Seraph)
Seraph: I can take you to her, but first, I must apologize.
Neo: Apologize for what?
NC: Gee, I don't know, a fight.
(Seraph and Neo get into a fight)
NC (vo): What a shock. You do everything around here with a fight. "I wanna see my mother." Fight! "I wanna get some sugar." Fight! "I wanna fight!" Let's have a philosophical conversation about what it means to be human.
(Seraph stops the fight)
Seraph: Good. I had to be sure.
Neo: Of what?
Seraph: That you are the One.
Neo: Could've just asked.
Seraph: No. You do not truly know someone until you fight them.
NC: So I should fight whoever I'm dating?
NC (vo): He once again meets up with the Oracle on a park bench.
Oracle: Why don't you come and have a sit this time?
Neo: Maybe I'll stand.
Oracle: Well, suit yourself.
(After a moment, Neo decides to sit down on the bench)
Neo: I felt like sitting.
Oracle: I know.
NC (vo): Just to be clear, that was the comedy portion of the film, folks. Deciding whether or not he was going to sit down.
NC: Next, they're gonna discuss the hilarious ramifications of blinking too fast! They do still blink, right?
Neo: You already know if I'm going to take it.
Oracle: Wouldn't be much of an oracle if I didn't.
Neo: But if you already know, how can I make a choice?
Oracle: Because you didn't come here to make the choice. You've already made it.
NC (vo; as Neo): You're a program.
NC (vo; as Oracle): Yep.
NC: Move along.
(And the scene fast-forwards. Agent Smith is shown appearing to confront Neo)
NC (vo): But something Weaving this way comes as conveyed by these dark crows who are so over-the-top menacing, they should be carrying signs saying "he's bad!" (Signs saying "He's bad!!!" are added onto the crows)
Smith: Surprised to see me?
Smith: I don't fully understand how it happened. Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me. Something overwritten or copied.
NC (vo; as Smith): Or maybe it's just lazy writing.
Smith: Now here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson. Because of you, I've changed, I'm unplugged. (pointing to his ear where his earpiece used to be) A new man, so to speak, like you, apparently free.
NC: (as Smith) They still haven't programmed my inflections right, but if Christopher Walken can milk it, why can't I?
Smith: There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.
NC: Ugh, translation.
NC (vo; as Smith): I hate you.
NC (vo; as Neo): I hate you!
(Clip from Star Wars: A New Hope)
Stormtrooper: Move along.
(And now we come to the Burly Brawl)
NC (vo): So it's "Revenge of the Smiths" as a group of them try to attack Tom. However, when that doesn't work, he gets even more. (Quick clip of him infecting another Agent) And when that doesn't work, he gets even more. And when that doesn't work, he gets more and more and more and...holy fucking shit! I should be bored by the fact that this is the fifth fight scene and we're not even halfway through the movie yet, but honestly, the access is just so batshit insane, it's actually kind of ridiculously fun! The fact that I'm seeing dozens of Hugo Weavings constantly get punched in the face like a whack-a-mole is fucking hilarious to me! I'm not gonna lie! I could watch it for hours! Just imagine him saying "ow" every single time he's smacked.
(Each time a Smith is hit, they say "ow" in a monotone way! Even when Neo holds onto the staff and runs across them, and when they get bowled over by another Smith!)
NC (vo): Of course, we go into video game land again when the seriously dated CGI takes over, but even that's kind of funny when they pile on top of him like an army of cartoon ants!
NC: Why don't they just take on the shape of a big, giant monster while they're at it?
(A giant monster made of Smiths is shown)
Smith Monster: Wokka-wokka, Mr. Anderson.
(All the Smiths pile on top of Neo)
Smith: It is inevitable.
(The rest of the team has been watching the battle inside the Nebuchadnezzar)
Trinity: Come on, get out of there.
NC: (as Trinity) Don't make me raise my voice again.
(Neo breaks free of the dogpile and then flies off, leaving all the Smiths behind, as they all slowly walk away)
NC (vo; as all various Smiths): Why didn't he do that before? Yeah, could have saved us six minutes. Well, I'm off to look silly in Lord of the Rings. I'm off to look silly in Cloud Atlas. I'm off to look silly in Captain America. I'm off to look silly in V for Vendetta. And I'm off to sound silly in Transformers. Sellout!
NC: (sniffs the air) Say, is it me or do you smell an unnecessary dual performance?
(NC heads out of the office and finds Agent Schmuck walking menacingly towards him, framed with flaming doves!)
NC: Uh, nope! (He closes the door and heads back inside, only to see Schmuck in front of him!) Ah!
Schmuck: Mr. Algiacritic.
Schmuck: Oh, please, that was the old me. The new me goes by Schmucker.
Schmucker: Because I'm such a cliched character that's so easy to make, there's literally a Schmucker born every minute. (Four Schmucker clones appear behind him)
NC: Wow, you're good!
Schmucker: Of course, with a name like Schmucker, I have to be good. A special shout-out to the people over 30 who actually got that joke. We appreciate your viewership. (The other Schmuckers behind him nod)
- Actually, I even got that joke. It's a funny send up to Smuckers. And I was 28 by the time this review debuted!
NC: Enough of this talk. What's your plan, Vulcan brow?
(The clones behind him are preparing to beat NC up by cracking their knuckles, cocking their fists or rolling up their sleeves)
Schmucker: Well, it's funny you say that. We plan to teach you a valuable lesson for reviewing these films.
NC: You're gonna kick the crap out of me?
Schmucker: Worse. We're gonna make philosophical speeches about why you shouldn't.
(The group of Schmuckers start talking over themselves, making their own philosophical speeches)
NC: (clutching his head) Ohhhh, gooood, noooo! Ahhh, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!
(The Schmuckers continue on with their speeches as NC lets out a pained scream, the camera zooming in on his flailing tongue before we go to commercial! We come back from commercial with the Schmuckers still waxing philosophical, torturing NC with it until Malcolmus and Tamity come to his rescue)
Malcolmus: Our destiny is not one that can be foretold unless its truth lies in the purpose of the lie.
(The Schmuckers continue their speeches)
NC: What's going on here?
Tamity: It's a pretentious blow-off. They're seeing who can make the most nonsense make sense.
Malcolmus: Our paths cannot be changed. Where it's the duty of the past to control the future to control the present. To deny who we are, to deny what we are, (The Schmuckers start clutching their heads at the pretentiousness) to deny why we are. That, my friend, is life itself.
(The four clones behind Schmucker blow up)
NC: Oh, my God, you literally blew their ears off!
Malcolmus: Don't ever deny my pretentiousness again. (He sheathes his katana as he says this)
Schmucker: This is not over, Malcolmus! (He runs away while pointing at Malcolmus)
Tamity: My sources have indicated that the pathway to knowledge is here.
NC: The what?
Malcolmus: Filler plotline to drag things out.
NC: Oh, all right, well, you guys continue on your little sidequest. I'm just gonna keep doing the review, all right?
Tamity: I am madly in love with you.
NC: Where the fuck did that come from?
Malcolmus: (facepalming at that revelation) Come on, Tamity, that's like the fifth messiah you've had the hots for.
NC: Wh--I'm number five!?
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So they now have to find a powerful hacker called the Keymaker because...sidequest... (A picture of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link appears) ...as they come across a French computer program who, like everyone else in the movie, loves the sound of his own fucking voice.
Morpheus: We are looking for the Keymaker.
The Merovingian: To look for him is to be looking for a means to...do...
Neo: You know the answer to that question.
Merovingian: But do you?
NC: Aw, Jesus! Does everybody have a fucking speech shoved up their ass?!
Merovingian: It is, of course, the way of all things./You see, there is only one constant: causality.
(A clip from A League of Their Own is shown)
Man: Will you shut up!?
Merovingian: Look there, at that woman. Watch, you see, I have sent her a dessert. (He's had a chocolate cake sent to a woman in the restaurant) It starts so simply. Each line of the program creating a new effect.
NC (vo): Yep. We're so desperate, folks, that we're actually talking about the philosophical justifications of cake. Fucking cake!
NC: That, or they're trying to fetishize cake, but to be fair, the line between the two is pretty blurred in these films.
Merovingian: Her heart flutters. She does not understand why. Beneath our poised appearance, we are completely...out of control. (The Matrix codes show that the cake he sent to the girl is enough to make the girl...explode with pleasure)
NC (vo; as the Merovgian): Would you care to order? (as Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus) I'll have the cake!
Persephone: Where are you going?
Merovingian: I drank too much wine. I must take a piss.
NC: We sat through five minutes of food porn for that? And why does a computer need to pee?
Persephone: If you want the Keymaker, follow me. (Guides Neo, Trinity and Morpheus to a room) I'll give you what you want, but you have to give me something.
Persephone: I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her.
Trinity: Excuse me?
Persephone: You love her. She loves you. It's all over you both.
NC (vo): Pfft, really? Uh, no offense, lady, but I've seen boxes of wet matches that have more of a spark than they do.
Persephone: I want to sample it.
(Neo takes off his shades to show he's serious)
NC (vo; as Neo):Well, for the good of the mission, honey. Sucks to be me.
(Neo and Persephone share a passionate kiss together, which is hard for Trinity to watch)
Persephone: Come with me.
NC (vo; as Neo): I thought I just did.
(Our heroes are shown discovering the Keymaker in his room)
NC (vo): So they find the Keymaker, but get intercepted. This results in, yet again, more Kean-Fu.
(Neo gets into a fight with several of the Merovingian's soldiers)
NC (vo): You know, I'm just gonna make the crazy assumption he's gonna win this one again. (The scene fast-forwards until Neo's the last one standing) Uh, let's see here. Yeah. So let's just see what happens when he tries to follow Frenchy.
(Neo bursts through a door one of the Twins just closed, only to find himself in the mountains)
NC (vo): Ah, he uses his hacking powers to put him in the mountains. (Yodel ay hee hoo!)
(Meanwhile, we see the film's famous car chase scene)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Trinity and Morpheus try to escape Frenchy's so-white-they're-transparent minions as well as a slew of Agents to get the Keymaker to safety. And I'm not gonna lie, this is a really cool scene. Like, wow. This still really fucking holds up. The action isn't just kung fu and it isn't just computers. It's a good mix of car chase, gunplay, superpowers, hand-to-hand, car...fu, and with pretty much all the important characters making an appearance. Well, Smith doesn't, but I think he made enough fucking appearances, don't you?
(One of the Agents jumps onto the hood of a car, practically crushing it like an empty can as he jumps to the car Trinity, Morpheus and the Keymaker are in)
NC (vo): The only problem once again, like all of these movies, is how the hell is the Matrix still kept fucking secret after all of this? Was every single one of these weird ass occurrences explained by natural causes?
(We come to a news report reported by Amy Amyson (Tamara) showing clips of the highway scene)
Amy: And in other news, reports are flooding in of people jumping on cars, somehow destroying them, flying green albinos who can float through walls, swordfights on top of trucks, and a dozen instances of people defying the laws of gravity. Police reports say that it was the wind. (The word "wind" appears on a clip of the action)
(The two semis crash into each other, making Morpheus and the Keymaker fly through the air. It looks like it's the end for them until Neo swoops in at the last second and rescues them)
NC (vo): But just when it looks like all hope is lost, Tom literally flies halfway around the world just in time to grab Morpheus and the Keymaker!
Link: Yes! Yes!
NC: All right, now this, in my opinion, is one of the biggest holes in the movie.
Malcolmus: Critic, we have found the pathway of knowledge.
NC: Ugh, can't it?
Malcolmus: No, it can't.
(NC puts his head down on the desk before following Malcolmus)
Malcolmus: It's in the kitchen. We'll take the back way so that Agents won't suspect us.
(Schmucker suddenly appears in front of the back door, holding the key)
Schmucker: Too late for that, I'm afraid.
(Malcomus draws his katana as he, NC and Tamity run towards Schmucker who goes through the door and closes it. When the team opens up the door, they're in the same mountains)
Malcolmus: Oh, no. He put us in the mountains. (Yodel ay hee hoo!) All right, Critic, we need you to fly us halfway around the world in order to get us back. (Malcolmus and Tamity are hanging onto him, ready to fly)
NC: Or... (reaches over and closes the door) we can just use another way to the kitchen through the office.
Malcolmus: But there be mountains.
NC: Yes, I know there be mountains out there, but there's still office in here! (Malcolmus ponders this) It's like our idiot messiah!
NC (vo): He flies thousands of miles around the globe to reach our heroes, but all he had to do was turn the fuck around and go back the way he came! (An arrow points to the room behind Neo) He never closed the door behind him, so it's the exact same location! It would've taken him two minutes!
Malcolmus: Ah, so instead of flying around the world, we could take a few...steps...to the kitchen.
NC: To the kitchen, yes. To the kitchen. (The scene is now in front of the fridge) This is the pathway to knowledge?
Tamity: Yes. Behind this door are the answers to all of the Matrix movies.
NC: All the answers? Like why they're so silly and make no sense?
Malcolmus: Every single one of them.
NC: Oh, let's check it out!
(He opens the door to the fridge, only for it to glow red inside)
Fridge: Zuul, mothafucka, Zuul!
(NC closes the fridge)
NC: That didn't seem right.
Malcolmus: There must've been a connection issue. We must destroy the power source.
NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, another side mission. You guys go do that while I finish up the review. (Tamity puts her hand on NC's chest) Stop that! (She pulls it away before leaving with Malcolmus. Just as he's about to continue, she does it again) No!
NC (vo; sighs): Well, as you can see, our heroes are starting yet another side mission, even though they just got done with one other fucking side mission! The Keymaker talks about breaking into the secret headquarters to have Tom meet the Architect, the designer of the Matrix.
Niobe: How do you know all this?
Keymaker: I know because I must know. It's my purpose.
NC: (as Keymaker) Or maybe it's just lazy writing.
- Note: The Keymaker was created by the Machines to help the One along his journey.
Morpheus: We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds, for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives.
NC (vo): Jesus, translation? (as Morpheus) I like talking. (as Niobe) We know.
(Clip from The Muppet Movie)
Fozzie and Kermit: Moving right along, do do do, do do do.
NC (vo): So Tom tells Trinity not to help him in this because he's afraid his dream will come true and she'll die. But, of course, when shit goes wrong, who's the only one who can possibly save them?
Link: What are you--Trinity!
Trinity: I will not stand here and do nothing. I will not wait here to watch them die.
NC: (as Trinity) I'm sorry I screamed at you like that. I know I can be really emotional.
NC (vo): She breaks in just like we saw in the intro, allowing them to sneak through the door. But the Keymaker gets shot.
(The Keymaker is dying after having been shot by Smith)
Keymaker: It was meant to be. Morpheus... / Hurry, Neo.
NC (vo): Oh. no, I'm really gonna miss...whatever character he was supposed to have.
NC: Your name will always be remembered with...(Picture of Switch) Whatsits, and...(Picture of the Twins) Whosits, and...(Picture of Bane as he's corrupted) that guy.
(We are shown Neo encountering the Architect, the designer of the Matrix)
NC (vo): Tom enters the door, locates the Architect, and naturally, he spouts more philosophical speeches.
The Architect: Your life is the sum of the remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the Matrix. / You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate. / While it remains a burden deciduously avoided--
NC: Translation. (No translation comes through, making NC raise an eyebrow) Translation? (NC's still confused by the Architect) Did we ever figure out what the fuck he was saying in this scene?
NC (vo): This is the moment where the writing is literally so pretentious and trying so hard to sound important that nobody could understand what the hell he was saying.
Architect: Return to the Source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry. / Your five predecessors were, by design, based on a similar predication. A contingent affirmation, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly.
NC: (flipping through the movie's script!) Dude! Is this gonna be on the test?
NC (vo): The best I can understand is that Tom is an anomaly of the Matrix that keeps popping up that the Machines can't get rid of. But it sounds like he's the sixth version to do so and this is the sixth time they're about to destroy Zion. So he has a choice where he can either save all of Zion or save his dominatrix (Trinity), who's about to die just like in his dream.
- Note: The Architect also said that Zion would be destroyed regardless of what choice Neo made, and Neo had a choice to return to the Source to reboot all the Matrix and pick up several survivors to repopulate the soon-to-be-destroyed Zion.
Architect: The door to your right leads to the Source and the salvation of Zion. The door to your left leads back to the Matrix to her and to the end of your species.
(Neo heads to the left door)
NC (vo): Our messiah, folks! Fuck the world, I want some more leather coated (Carrie-Anne) Moss pussy. That's owning up to my responsibility as a great leader! What if fucking Jesus came back from the grave with an excuse like this?
(We cut to Jesus (played by Jim Jarosz) in front of a cross)
Jesus: Hello, my followers. Just a quick heads-up: you're all going to die and it is 100% my fault. (The crowd gasps) But I just wanted to give you a quick glimpse of what you're all getting killed off for. (He points to his left and a picture of a leather-clad female butt is shown.) DAT ASS. Look at dat ass! Now I can get whipped, beaten, thrown up on a cross, but if you were to ask me to give up dat ass? Dat ass is gonna win. But, hey, that's messiah's word, am I right? Hehehe. Hope you're not all too pissed, and have a nice death. Jeez out! (He leaves to the crowd booing him)
NC (vo): So Tom races at the speed of Whoa, bringing apparently half a goddamn city with him.
(Neo rescues Trinity in time just before she hits the car like she did in his dream. We come to another report by Amy Amyson)
Amy: Another strange event today as hundreds of cars were blown across the city in the middle of the night, presumably killing several citizens and costing millions in property damage. It happens. (The caption under the report says "What?")
NC (vo): But it looks like Tom is too late as Trinity bites the bullet and dies off. But...death is more like a suggestion in these movies than a final destination.
Neo: I'm not letting go. I can't. I love you too damn much.
NC: Oh, yeah. You sound like it.
NC (vo): So he uses kung-fu CPR to bring her back as we see our mechanical calamari are lining up to kill everybody off.
(The crew of the Nebuchadnezzar get out before the ship blows up)
Morpheus: I have dreamed a dream. (He watches as the ship burns to rubble) And now that dream is gone for me.
NC (vo; singing): Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
Link: Let's go, Morpheus.
NC (vo): But Tom makes an interesting discovery.
(Neo holds up his hand to the incoming Sentinels and is somehow able to fry them)
NC (vo): What the hell?
(Neo drops down to the ground, drained after using that power)
- Note: The Oracle explains how Neo gained these powers in the next movie.
NC (vo): Oh, wait, I think I see where they're going with this. I won't give it away now, but I'll tell you in a little bit. He passes out and they find yet another ship to pick them up. But unfortunately, they have an unwelcome visitor on board.
(The camera pans up to reveal that visitor is Bane, the music coming to a sting. NC gasps in shock before thinking it)
NC: Wait, who was that guy?
NC (vo): It's kinda hard to tell upside down. Maybe if you switch it.
(The scene is flipped so Bane's head is right side up. NC gasps in shock again)
NC: Wait, who was that guy?
NC (vo): Remember that crew member Smith infected that was mostly kept in the shadows and very hard to see? And remember this idea that they never really explained very well that now Smith can hack into our own brains somehow? Kind of a rocky narrative to follow in order to play your Ren & Stimpy sting music over, but...okay. I'll still act like it's a big deal.
(NC gasps once more at Bane's reveal. The movie ends. Clips play out as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): When I was younger, I actually liked this film more than the first one because of the access and because it was so over-the-top. It still had no character and the writing was laughably full of itself, but that's pretty much what I thought of the first one anyway. This one at least went balls to the wall over-the-top. But I will admit, watching it again, I do realize, at least the first film, for all its yapping, did keep focused on what it was talking about. This one is just all over the place, trailing off into conversations and fight scenes that have nothing to do with anything. So, yeah, it is definitely worth the ridicule that it gets from those fans, unless they're going where I think they're going with it, and if they are, I think they can actually save a good chunk of the series with it.
NC: And that, of course, is being-- (The phone rings and he picks it up) Hello?
Malcolmus: The pathway is open, Critic. Discover the secrets of the Matrix movies.
(He hangs up and heads to the fridge, opening the door and being enveloped in white light. When it clears, he's in the same monitor room the Architect was in. He looks around confusedly before a figure turns in a chair, revealing himself to be Black Willy Wonka)
NC: Black Willy Wonka? You designed the Matrix movies?
Wonka: Oh, yes. I did it in between making Twizzlers and caramelizing those that disagree with my views.
NC: I think I-- (he just caught that last part of the sentence, but goes back to his thought) I think I finally discovered the secret of the Matrix movies, what it's all building up to.
Wonka: And what is that, Critic?
NC: Okay. The real world, Zion, all of that, is actually just another Matrix, a backup program so that all the people that think they got out of the Matrix actually never did.
Wonka: That's not what it's building up to at all.
NC: But...that would be such an obviously good twist! It would've worked on so many levels! It would've explained why Tom could destroy the Machines at the end. It would've explained why Smith could infect a human brain. It would've explained why all the people in the Matrix weren't affected by all the obvious glitches going on and I ju--how could this not be in it? It would've explained every single movie mistake the films have ever made!
Wonka: I agree, but they're sticking to the safer route.
NC: He's just Jesus?
Wonka: He's just Jesus.
NC: Well, great. We haven't seen that story yet. So what's with all the TVs? Are you just seeing how many television sets the movie can suck in?
Wonka: No, those are actually my teleprompters to remind me of my confusing lines. (A script flies by on the screen to an entirely different movie!) "Quid pro quo. Vis a vis. The outcome of one anomaly...is higher than the probability of--" You know, screw it. (The TVs go back to static) I'm just gonna give it to you straight. I was merely commissioned to make the Matrix movies. The real masterminds are somewhere else. If you want to know the truth, don't trust anyone. The ones you think you can trust have already been taken over.
NC: Who? Who's doing this?
Wonka: People much...darker.
(Wonka snaps his fingers and after a flash of light, NC is back in the kitchen)
NC: Ah! Oh! (he closes the fridge)
Malcolmus: So, Critic, what did you discover?
NC: Well, I discovered someone else is behind the Matrix movies and I shouldn't trust...any...bo...dy...
(It dawns on him as he looks up and sees Malcolmus drinking from a cup that says "You can trust us." Tamity lifts up her own cup that says "Really." The music builds up to a sting, coming up with "TO BE CONCLUDED." Another sting plays as it now says "WHICH IF THIS WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE A TRILOGY WE WOULD'VE ENDED THE FIRST FILM SAYING THAT, TOO." One last sting as it says "JUST SAYING." Now we finally come to the credits)
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