The Magic Voyage

Nc the magic voyage by marobot-d3duqgj.jpg

April 12, 2011
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(Critic is smiling and laughing insanely.)

NC: (stuttering) It never stops! It never stops! It just keeps going, just keeps going!

(Critic continues stuttering and laughing insanely while making talking gestures with his hands before blowing fire at the screen. We then see an animated photo of Critic swallowing medical pills with the words "One Moment Please".)

NC (calmed down): OK. All right, let me start over. Ahem. Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... (trails off) All right. This movie is not only bad, it is annoying. UNGODLY ANNOYING. Just when you think it needs to take a break from being annoying... (laughs, then becomes angry) that's when it gets even MORE ANNOYING! (sighs) Okay. Let's get the title out of the way: The Magic Voyage.

(Scenes from the movie play)

NC: (voiceover) Wait 'til you hear this: this is a children's story about Christopher Columbus as told by GERMAN filmmakers. Yeah, that's right. GERMAN filmmakers. That's the equivalent of American filmmakers making a children's film about Russian history. (shows cover of Anastasia) AND LOOK HOW FUCKING WELL THAT TURNED OUT!

NC: Shit, we can't even get our own history right! (shows cover of Pocahontas)

NC (voiceover): So what makes you think the Germans have a shot? But this goes beyond just magical powers, a talking bat, or a talking tree. No, no. This story goes right off the deep end of the FLAT FRIGGIN' EARTH.

NC: But what makes this film especially horrendous? Oh, you'll see in a moment. Let's dive right into The Magic Voyage.

NC (voiceover): So as the credits roll, we see that the film is too cheap to get opening animation, so they just throw their storyboards at us. We see the narrator starts to talk about the story we're about to see, and, yeah, tell me if the voice sounds familiar.

Narrator (voiced by Mickey Rooney): A long time ago, people thought the world was flat, and if you sailed uncharted waters, you just might fall over the edge into space.

NC: (voiceover) That's right. It's our very own Mickey Rooney.

(Audience sounds confused)

NC: Former biggest star in the world? (Audience still sounds confused) Starred with Elizabeth Taylor, the other former biggest star in the world? (More confused sounds) Narrator of Care Bears? (Audience recognizes him) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch a black and white movie sometime!

NC: (voiceover) Actually, it is eerie how exactly the same his performance is from both these kids movies. Listen.

Narrator: But in 1492, there appeared an Italian navigator, a man with a revolutionary idea. He thought that the world was square, and his name was...

Mr. Cherrywood (from The Care Bears Movie): The Care Bears. (smiles creepily)

NC: (shivers in discomfort) Ooh! That smile. As long as I don't have to see him, I'm okay.

(We then cut to a woodworm named Pico)

Pico: Here we go. Whoo!

NC: (voiceover) We then see our main hero of the movie. Yeah, I bet you thought it was gonna be Christopher Columbus, didn't you? He does only take up two-thirds of the fucking poster. But nope. It's a little woodworm named Pico, played by NOT former biggest star in the world, Corey Feldman.

Pico: (singing) I used to be a bookworm/I sat upon the shelf/I read about exotic...

NC: (looking bored) Okay, I'll save you. (fast forwards past the song)

NC: (voiceover) The singer can't sing, the songwriter can't write, and this has nothing to do with Christopher Columbus.

Singer: (from Skip It commercial) ♫ So skip it, skip it! ♫

NC: (voiceover) But he does eventually come across Christopher Columbus, voiced by... (a picture of Dom DeLuise shows up, and...) Oh, Dom? DOM?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK SO MANY BAD MOVIES?! DO YOU THINK I LIKE CONTINUALLY MAKING FUN OF YOU?! You seemed like a nice guy. I liked you. You were really cool. But...Ga...IT'S THE STORY OF AMERICA TOLD BY GERMANS! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER, DOM! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

NC: But, on the bright side, he is Italian. So he can probably do an authentic Italian accent.

Columbus: (with a stereotypical Italian accent) That's enough-a! My map-a, she sure stink-a!

NC: ...Or maybe he'll be as authentic as Mario.

(shows Mario head from Mario Teaches Typing)

NC: (voiceover) Hey, at least they're aiming for the popular stereotypes!

Columbus: Hey, I think I like-a show you something! Oh, I think you're gonna like-alot, too!

NC: (voiceover, as Mario) It's-a me! Christopher Columbus!

Columbus: It's 1492, and the world, she's still flat! Maybe it's not so important...

Pico: Not so important? Are you kidding?

(Pico rounds off the edges of Columbus' cube-globe)

Columbus: Maybe the world, she's... she's round?

Pico: Of course it's round, blockhead. What do you think?

NC: (voiceover) Uh, no disrespect to insects, but... how the fuck does a woodworm know the world is round? I mean, seriously, where did that come from? Are woodworms just the smartest creatures on the planet?

NC: (as Columbus) I'm-a da tinking the world is flat.

Pico: (dubbed by NC) No, it's not. It's round.

NC: (as Columbus) Well, I'm-a da tinking that Christianity is the true religion.

Pico: No, it isn't. It's Rastafarian.

NC: (as Columbus) A-no.

Pico: Yes.

NC: (as Columbus) Well, I'm-a da tinking that we're totally alone in space.

Pico: No, we're not. There's the Blardonians. Once the Blardonian government gets enough money to fund their space program, they'll come to Earth and enslave us all.

NC: (as Columbus) Wow! Well, I'm-a da tinking this movie's gonna be a big hit.

Pico: (frowning) ...Uh, have a drink.

NC: (voiceover) So, have you noticed the main problem with this movie? I mean, outside of the horrible characters, voice acting, story, and animation? It's a little hard to get through in edited clips, but let's see if you can figure it out in this clip.

Columbus: (hums to himself as he walks into a room filled with heavy background noise coming from the inventions of a few other people waiting to see the king and queen, and unknowingly is about to sit on what looks like a miniature flying machine belonging to a stubby little man with sideburns) Excuse me.

Man: (snatches his invention just before Columbus sits on it and shouts rather loudly:) Do you mind?!

Columbus: I suppose you're wondering what I got here?

Man: (still exceptionally loud) You know, I couldn't really care less!!

NC: (voiceover) No? How about this one?

(Columbus is at the throne of the king and queen, presenting his proposal. The dialogue is fast paced, with no pauses between lines)

Columbus: (to King Ferdinand) My brand new theory, which will make you great beyond your wildest dreams!

King Ferdinand: Is that so?

Columbus: Oh, yes!

King Ferdinand: And what makes you think I'm not already great beyond my wildest dreams?

Advisor Diego: Now, now...

NC: (voiceover) Still not getting it? Let's try one more.

(The characters are constantly mumbling when they're not speaking)

Queen Isabelle: You're going away? But you only just got here.

Columbus: Yes, yes, I found a new route to the orie... (trips over king)

NC: It never shuts up! There is always talking, always loud music, always something KNOCKING IN YOUR EARS!

NC: (voiceover) The whole movie is like this! There is never a silent moment where the film can just breathe or take a break. It is nothing but NOISE!

(clips play with constantly overlapping dialogue)

NC: Noise. (more clips) Noise. (more clips)

NC: (voiceover) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's all that noise...

NC: (with animated drumsticks hitting his ears, similar to the animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas!) ...noise, noise, NOISE!

NC: (voiceover) It's like it's afraid if it stops being loud and bouncy, it's going to lose the children's attention. And that's not a good thing. Children need slow moments. They need pauses. It teaches them patience and the appreciation of atmosphere.

NC: This... this is just waving your keys in front of their dumb little faces for an hour and a half!

(More noisy clips play, interspersed with clips of NC making funny noises while waving his keys, making funny faces, hitting a pot, and firing his gun in the air. Later, noisy clips from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Woody Woodpecker, IT, and Alice in Wonderland are added to make it noisier)

John Kimble: (from Kindergarten Cop) (shouting) SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!! (noise stops) Shut up! Shut up! Shut up.

NC: Thank you, Arnold. So, let's try to continue this review despite all that noise... (clips start again) noise...noise....NOISE!

(The noise of the movie briefly resumes, until cutting to the Kindergarten Cop clip again)

John Kimble: (from Kindergarten Cop) Shut up! Shut up!

NC: (looks around nervously) Thank you.

NC: (voiceover) He [Columbus] goes to the king and queen to tell them his idea--oh, I'm sorry, (with sarcasm) the woodworm's [Pico] idea--and they seem to be on board with it, mostly because the queen has the hots for Columbus. Interesting interpretation.

Queen Isabelle: Oh, who's this?

King Ferdinand: No one, dear. Just another genius.

Queen Isabelle: What? I don't believe you. He's much too handsome. (air-kisses Columbus, as the latter mumbles "much too handsome" at the same time she says it)

NC: (voiceover) Oh, and apparently, he's a mind-reader, too, because he knew exactly what she was going to say there.

Advisor Diego: What a disgusting display! But don't let it get to you, sire.

NC: (voiceover) By the way, you see this guy in the back here who looks like a mix between Fagin and Jafar? The shady fellow always telling the king not to trust Columbus? Yeah, he never shows up again! Not once in the rest of the movie. (as Columbus) He was a--oh, how do you say?--total waste of the animation!

Pico: (looks into various crystals) Oh, hey, this is pretty cool!

NC: (voiceover) So Pico goes into one of the other rooms and finds a firefly named Marilyn, Princess of the Moonsprites! Again, we never see the king or queen, so we'll just assume she's a responsibility-ducking whore.

Marilyn: I was in the land of blue... blue twilight, where the nectar is always sweet, happy and free. And then... from a land far insect army and their evil lord saw me.

Swarmlord: At last, princess. The secret of your magic light will be mine.

NC: (voiceover) Yeah, remember this from the history books?! Magic light? Insect armies? Lord swarm? Maybe this is the history of how the SMURFS DISCOVERED AMERICA, BUT CAN WE HEAR THE DAMN STORY ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS?!

Marilyn: If the Swarmlord comes back...

Pico: Ah, I'm not scared of nobody! Come on!

NC: (voiceover) So Pico tries to get her out of the chandelier, which seems like a pretty lame prison as she could fly at any point, but some other bugs see her and try to stop her from escaping.

Bugs pull at Marilyn while Pico hangs on a rope flailing at nothing.

NC: (voiceover) Wow. Laziest fight scene ever. They're just holding her, and he starts slapping. Call James Cameron--we have a contender for best action scene.

Marilyn: (gasps) It's the Swarmlord!

Pico: Quick! Come on, run! Quick!

Swarmlord: (absorbs Marilyn) The Princess is mine! You will be my prisoner in my kingdom.

NC: (voiceover) So the Swarmlord takes her back to his land--which begs the question "Why did he bring her there to begin with?"--and Pico vows to find her.

Pico: I'll find you, all the way across the ocean.

NC: (voiceover) And you'll never guess where the Swarmlord's land happens to be. (shows picture of the US with Star Spangled Banner playing) That's right! America!

NC: What are the odds?

NC: (voiceover) So while Columbus happens to be getting ready to go to America, Pico is... asleep? Oh, yeah... (heroically) I'LL FIND YOU, MARILYN! ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE OCEAN! Riiiiiiiight after a teeny weeny little power nap. DON'T WANT TO BE GROGGY!

Pico: (wakes up) Columbus! Wait, don't leave me!

NC: (voiceover) So as the ship sets sail, Columbus suddenly realizes he forgot something.

Columbus: How could I have forgot about Pico?

Sailor: Pico?

Columbus: Sure. My little woodworm friend. He's the one who told me the world was round!

(Cuckoo clock birds come out of NC's ears)

NC: (voiceover) But Pico manages to get a ride on a bird and ends up climbing aboard.

Columbus: I thought maybe you got left behind!

Pico: Well, I met this beautiful girl, sir. I really like her a lot. But she was taken away by the evil Swarmlord to his kingdom in the west.

Columbus: But we go to the west to get to the east, so we can look for your love, my little one!

NC: (voiceover) I love how so accepting he is that there's just a swarmlord that kidnaps a princess, and they're gonna go find him now. But, hey, if I was talking to a woodworm with the voice of Donatello from the Teenage Mutant fucking Ninja Turtles, I guess I'd believe anything, too!

Sailor: What's he doing?

Other Sailor: He's talking to his little worm.

Yakko: (from Animaniacs) (blows a kiss) Good night, everybody!

Other Sailor: Now... now h-he's kissing the little worm!

Yakko: (from Animaniacs) Ugh. The stuff they're getting away with on kid's shows these days.

NC: (voiceover) So while the crew thinks he's crazy--I can't imagine why--Columbus has a relatively pointless dream about finding the new world.

Columbus: (dreams of himself in navy clothes) The great Christopher Columbus. Hero, explorer, genius.

(Due to the poor animation, Dream Columbus looks like he's pulling a spyglass out of his crotch)

NC: Whoa! Wait a minute! 

(Scene plays again)

NC: (voiceover) What the hell?! Did he just pull that spyglass out of his gonads?! (shows scene again) HE DID! He just pulled that spyglass out of his nuts!


NC: (voiceover) How did THAT ever get past German censorship? Don't they have any shame?!

(Scene plays once again)

Beavis: (from Beavis and Butt-head) (audio) Bo-yo-yo-yo-yoing. (giggles)

NC: (voiceover) It's only for a second, but... it's just so troublingly confusing!

NC: I mean, what the hell do you call that?

Fisherman #1: (from The Wunder Boner commercial) The Wunder Boner!

Fisherman #2: (from The Wunder Boner commercial) My wife would like that.

NC: Okay, okay! Just forget I mentioned it!

NC: (voiceover) So, as if this movie couldn't possibly be any more batshit crazy, we get this insane dream sequence. It's sort of like watching "Pink Elephants" from Dumbo while someone was... oh, I don't know... (spyglass scene again) Pulling a spyglass out of your dick!

(scenes of Dream Columbus falling)

Columbus: Ooh...Ooh...Ow...I'ma fall off...This must be...a dream!

(Dream Columbus falls off screen and is replaced with the scene from the "Pink Elephants on Parade" sequence from Dumbo)

Singer: What'll I do? What'll I do? What an unusual view!

(Real Columbus falls off bed)

Columbus: Ah, yes. Oh. It was a dream.

NC: (voiceover) So... after that incredibly important scene, we cut to the next night where it seems like the crew still thinks Columbus is crazy simply because he talks to a woodworm and says a firefly princess needs rescuing, and they try to do him in. But he sings a song on an accordion*, and that seems to make everything okay.

(Actually, Columbus' instrument is a concertina.)

Columbus: (singing) Oooooh, the life at the sea is the life for me/No lubbers of land are we/La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

NC: (voiceover) Well, I guess this is a clear sign that their captain isn't totally insane. Me, I think he's about as valid as Captain fucking Kangaroo! But, hey, different strokes, different folks.

Sailors: (singing)

Columbus: (singing) ME!

NC: (voiceover) So because we see how much depth and texture the last dream sequence gave, they give one to Pico as well. And is it me, or is most of the dubbing in this movie very similar to a Popeye cartoon?

Pico: (while not moving his lips) Oh, it's Marilyn. How nice of you to see me. This is great, orbiting above the Earth with the girl of my dreams.

NC: (voiceover, as Popeye) Yeah, just gonna be pickin' me some flowers, yeah, and pickin' the petals, and you know, pretty lady, and, uh... (spits a long string of incoherent p's, t's, and k's) A-ga-ga-ga-ga.

Pico: (still not moving his lips as he flies above his bed) I really like dreaming because... I can fly!

Marilyn: Oh!

Pico: (falls) Maybe I can't fly.

Marilyn: My hand!

NC: (voiceover) You know, it's not even really dialogue anymore. It's just naming things that they see.

Pico: (still not moving his lips as he flies off into space) High! High! Oh, my God!

Marilyn: Don't be scared.

(Marilyn kisses him)

Pico: Oh, I love kisses!

NC: (voiceover, as Pico) Oh, space! Oh, trees! (cover of the movie appears) Oh, box office sodomy! Oh! I'm learning so much about my character through this! Oh! (as Marilyn) I'm a tool!

NC: (voiceover, normal) But once again, the crew gets fed up with waiting for dry land and they try to hang him [Columbus].

Columbus: I'm gonna give each and every one of you a raise! OOOOOH! (He gets lifted into the air by the noose)

NC: (voiceover) Here's some more kid friendly imagery, folks! We've got characters being hanged and (scene of...) penis-friendly spyglasses!

NC: You know, for kids!

NC: (voiceover) But, wouldn't you know it? They just happen to hit dry land while Columbus was hanging. So it seems they finally reached America and... (sighs) What the hell?

(Zoom in on Aztec temple in the distance where the Swarmlord is keeping Marilyn)

Swarmlord: Show me the secret of your magic light!

NC: (voiceover) OF COURSE! We all remember the giant Aztec temple in America that was run by the Swarmlord who kidnapped the princess of blue twilight so he could figure out the power of her magic light! IT'S JUST COMMON KNOWLEDGE!

NC: (angrily draws a target on his forehead) Shoot me! FUCKING SHOOT ME!

NC: (voiceover) So they meet up with a talking beaver...

NC: (hits his hat and talks in a simpleton voice) D'OKAAAAY!

NC: (voiceover) ...who shows them the way to the temple. Columbus wants to go there so he can bring back gold and diamonds to his queen. But I don't know if that temple has any gold or diamonds.

Herkermer Homolka: (from Congo) No! No! The diamonds are here!

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out Marilyn is in the temple on top of a large honeycomb--odd, as we've never seen any bees in the swarm--and they try to defeat the bad guy and rescue her.

Columbus: And now, Mr. Puppet, will you get the gold? (as puppet) Okey-dokey! I get the gold. Yes, sir.(sticks sock puppet into swarm, which catches fire for some reason) YOW! (tries to blow fire out)

NC: ...I can't even touch that scene. He had a hand puppet, it caught fire. What would you say?

Pico: Come on, Marilyn! We're outta here! (dives into hole, Columbus distracts the swarm, then Pico comes out of the hole again) Hey, come on! (Marilyn giggles then follows him)

NC: (voiceover) Why didn't she go with him at first? He said "Come on!" and she just sorta stood there. What, was she too busy giggling? Time is of the essence, bitch!

NC: (as Pico) Come on, Lady! This place is gonna blow!

(NC, imitating Marilyn, giggles for a long time and then bursts into flames)

NC: (voiceover) So the beaver eats through the honeycomb--that almost sounds like an innuendo, but I'm not clever enough--and the whole temple somehow comes crackling down because of that. So Pico and Marilyn get back together, and we see the natives of this land. Oh, this oughta be rich!

Native American: You've stolen our idol, destroyed our sacred temple, and... you've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?

NC: (voiceover) That's right! The Native Americans were honoring the Swarmlord all this time, and made a giant Aztec temple to honor him. (sarcastically speaking) What, did you think they lived in teepees or something?! (raspberry) You're a fucking DUMBASS!

Native American: You've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?

NC: The land. Hand it over.

Columbus: We not only discovered the new world. You were right. The world, she's round! Just think, Pico. Because of you and me, one day, there's gonna be a big, big city right here. And there's gonna be a lot of people, tall buildings, maybe they're gonna name something after us! Who knows? Columbus Circle sounds good to me!

(Shows paintings of colonists fighting Native Americans)

NC: (voiceover, as Mario) Oh, and don't forget about-a the slaughtering! Lots and lots of-a the slaughtering! Don't look for the G rating in the next one, folks. It's-a gonna be a bloodbath!

NC: So that was...AWFUL!!!

(Scenes of the movie play out as NC speaks)

NC: (voiceover) What else can you really say about it? The dubbing sounds like it was done in one go, the history is BEYOND insulting, the characters are horse shit, even the animation is inconsistent. Sometimes, it almost looks like something from Disney, but then other times, it looks like a half-assed Saturday morning cartoon. And, of course, it NEVER fucking shuts up.

NC: All I gotta say, Germany, is that if this is what you think American history was like, BUGS BUNNY WAS MORE AUTHENTIC THAN YOU!

(Scene from Bugs Bunny cartoon)

Bugs: A-what'sa upa, docsa?

NC: Indeed, Germany. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... read a book.

Ending tagline--Beavis: Bo-yo-yo-yo-yoing. (giggles)

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