And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Lego Movie."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Leggo my spoilers!
Okay, so I was originally gonna have a bunch of little Lego figures doing this review.
But surprisingly they're all sold out in spite of the movie!
So I just have to adapt with whatever I can find in Mr. McCritic's office.
(Holding up Rogue figure) OH MY GOD, this movie is absolutely incredible! It makes me want to hold out my hands which is in this circular motion. (moves Rogue's hand up and down) Why would the Critic have it in that-- Ew!
Okay, so I'm gonna put this away because it's sticky and hairy and makes me think of scenarios with the Critic I don't wanna think about. (puts it away)
But there's this Lego named Emmet.
And he wakes up every morning singing a song that sounds like the second verse to "Wrecking Ball"!
(Singing) Came in like a wrecking ball, 'cause everything is awesome!
Seriously, it's those four chords. The Axis of Awesome talked about them quite clearly.
But then this female Lego comes in called Wyldstyle.
Ironic, because she looks like the missing member of Wyld Stallyns. (does guitar riff)
And she tells him that he is not like everybody else!
He is the chosen one, which makes him specifically unique.
Despite the fact that he's a cliche that's been in every movie ever made!
As well as the wise old man, the evil corporate guy, the tough chick, the secondary villain who will become a good guy by the end, and a giant device that will destroy everything.
I can see why everybody's calling this the most original movie of the year!
So they travel to all these different worlds that makes me want to play with some kind of toy for some reason.
Lincoln logs, I think.
And they discover that Emmet isn't special at all. He's just an ordinary guy!
I was an ordinary guy once!
Weird is better.
But they're stuck with him because a piece is stuck with him!
This is called the mystical Piece of Resistance.
That sounds a lot like a French term.
And apparently this piece is the only thing that can save the world, but it's also the only thing that can destroy the world!
Kinda like MAN. (music sting)
But Emmet discovers that his secret power is that he has no secret powers!
His lack of creativity is unpredictable, which means that they can come up with the perfect unpredictable plan to sneak into the totally predictable place that is always predictable...
This movie makes no goddamn sense, but it looks unbelievable!
You watch it just to see a really incredible, really long, really amazing commercial!
It's like the Superbowl if they cut out that pesky game.
Though, the game this year was pretty funny too.
So they have all these other various Lego characters like Lego Batman, and Lego Who-the-hell-cares because Lego Batman is in this movie!
And he has a brief scene with Lego Billy Dee Williams and Lego Not-Harrison Ford.
C'mon, Harrison Ford! You can do a Josh Hartnett movie but not this?!
Was it anymore demeaning than surviving in a fridge?
Or less demeaning?
So Lego Emmet, Batman, Wyldstyle (guitar riff), and Morgan Freeman Wizard try to sneak inside this giant fortress and discover the evil business man's plan.
He wants to freeze the world!
Ah, have you looked outside this winter? It's pretty much frozen.
I'm currently living in a water fountain that's now an igloo.
And glue is exactly what he wants to use to freeze everybody!
But Emmet won't let it happen.
So he travels to the end of the universe and comes out on the other side!
It's kind of like "2001: A Space Oddysey", only this blows your mind in a way you can show your kids.
Though, it is the only Kubrick movie that doesn't have a boob or a nipple.
Well, unless you count Hal...
So Emmet comes out to the other side of reality.
And what does he discover?
He was a child's playtoy the whole time!
OH MY GOD, it's the ending to "St. Elsewhere" again!
Quick, hide Howie Mandel! He would surprisingly be too serious for this movie!
It turns out he belongs to a family of jewfros that have a problem with their Lego.
The father wants to keep his incredible Lego collection that he has built all his own untouched, while his little son just wants to play with them.
Haven't adult children taught him anything?!
Toys aren't meant to be played with! They're supposed to be kept in their original packaging!
Only to be looked at and never played with! (holds up Rogue) ...Unlike how this was played with-- (drops it) Ew!
But soon the little Lego of Emmet starts to move.
Because apparently the kid's imagination is so strong he created life and is kind of God!?
I created life and was kind of God once!
It just raised too many questions.
And Emmet shows the boy and his father that they can come together and just play with their toys.
So, in the end, they all live happily ever after, every product placement in the world was represented, and I was satisfied because they finally showed a realistic portrayal of Legos.
No, seriously, they talk to me!
And the best thing is millions of children around the world will now think that they can make movies with stop-motion Legos.
Until they realize two minutes in that it's really boring to do and then they'll just stick them up their nose.
I stuck Legos up my no-- Oh, wait, no I didn't.
That'd be infantile.
I just melted them and smoked them.
They taste like a life wasted.
This is Chester A. Bum saying (holds up Rogue) TAKE THIS! Somebody take this! Oh God, I don't wanna be in the same room with it! Please, somebody take this!
Wait a minute, this white stuff on her head isn't her hair. Ewwwwwwwwww!