The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
July 10, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, then cold-open on a shot of a building, before cutting to inside, where a man in sunglasses played by Malcolm is sitting at a desk; "The Blue Danube" plays in the background)
Voice on phone (Rob): (with every "s" sound pronounced "sh") Sam, Sam, I know you're bummed I took the Highlander 2 role.
Sam: Mr. Connery, you're one of the biggest stars in the world. You can make a few mistakes every once in a while. Your friend Michael Crichton already sent me a bounce-back script; it's called Jurassic Park. You're the guy who owns the park.
Sean: That sounds too small. I want a ridiculous amount of money for it.
Sam: Well, Sean, if you're not willing to take a slightly smaller role, you may want to consider retiring.
Sean: Bullshite! I'm as snappy as my leotard in Zardoz! If the people want giant lizards, I got a role for them: a giant flying one in Dragonheart.
Sam: I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.
Sean: Sam, Sam, you're a good boy and I don't like you, but you're a dumbass. Sign me up for Dragonheart! (Sam shrugs)
(A caption is shown: "Several Years Later...". Cut back to Sam in his office, looking displeased and holding a Dragonheart DVD)
Sean: Sam. Sam. That might not have been the best choice.
Sam: Oh, you know when you're...
Sean: Shut up. I have a role that's foolproof enough: The Avengers.
Sam: Eh, that's perfect. I hear Marvel has some major plans for movies...
Sean: Not that comic book crap! The 60s TV show no kid knows about!
Sam: I don't know, Sean. I got a script here called The Matrix. You play a mentor named Morpheus and it's supposed to be really cutting edge.
Sean: Morpheus. That's what I named my leotard in Zardoz!
Sam: Must you always reference that?
Sean: Yes. Pass on that May-ta-rix crap. (Sam throws his hands in disappointment) Sign me up for The Aven-
(A caption "Several Years Later..." is shown again. Sam is staring at The Avengers DVD)
Sean: Sam, Sam. Sam. Sam, Sam. Sam. Sam.
Sam: (sighing) Yes?
Sean: Avengers didn't work out.
Sam: I kind of figured.
Sean: But this one is a surefire hit! I'd bet my career on it! It's called "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"!
Sam: (puts the DVD away) Okay. Look, Sean, I'll level with you. (takes a binder) I have a script here for Lord of the Rings, one of the most famous books ever written. They're filming three movies all at the same time, something never done before in cinema. And they're offering you the role of Gandalf. You'd have to be an idiot, nay, absolutely insane to turn down a surefire blockbuster series like this.
Sean: (after a beat) Sign me up for The League of Extraordinary-
(Sam puts his hands to his temples in frustration. After another "Several Years Later..." caption, Sam is shown with his head laying on the table while The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen's Blu-ray stands close to the camera)
Sean: I think I should retire.
Sam: I think you're an idiot.
(Cue the intro...before abruptly cutting back to Sam)
Sean: Did you keep the same haircut all these years?
(Sam touches his hair in confusion. The full intro plays out before fading to NC at his desk)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (A picture of people cheering is shown) Some people have a winning streak. (A picture of a man running in the football field naked) Others have a naked streak. Sean Connery has both. (A picture of Sean Connery as Zed in Zardoz is shown)
NC (vo): After years of being one of the most charismatic and attractive actors of all time, something finally started to crumble when he turned down several blockbuster hits and instead chose awkward avenues of awfulty. But the one so famously bad that he left acting shortly after is an angry abomination of assness...
NC: I like "a" words today. ...Called The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!
(The film's title is shown, before going to clips. "Back and Forth" by Silent Partner plays in the background)
NC (vo): Based on the comic by Alan Moore, the guy who did Watchmen, directed by Stephen Norrington, the guy who directed Blade, and starring the guy who inspired the greatest Celebrity Jeopardy! episodes ever made, (A still from the Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Sean Connery, played by Darrell Hammond, at Jeopardy!, hosted by Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell), is shown) how can this not be friggin' amazing? Well, it found a way, and folks have been regretting this extraordinary dumbhood for 15 years. Has it warranted all the hate it deserves? Well, if Connery decided he had one more film in him after this, (A scene from The Avengers with Sean Connery dressed in a bear costume and surrounded by several other ones, is shown) I guess it can't be that bad, can it?
NC (vo): Let's find out for ourselves. This is The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
(The opening 20th Century Fox logo fades into a dark sign on the London skyline at night)
NC (vo): Whoa, I guess that Disney merger didn't go as well as expected.
NC: (adjusts glasses) They can survive Cleopatra, but not the Mouse.
(The camera goes down a building, and we see a crawl text "1899. The Great Nations of Europe share an uneasy peace. For hundreds of years, wars have been fought with the same weapons")
NC (vo): The opening crawl says...whatever opening crawl says.
NC: No, really. You can replace them all with...
(A text of the same font is added into a clean shot that NC reads)
NC (vo): "Things suck. Some asshole might make it better...but things suck."
NC: It's easier than following the Phantom Menace text.
(As the credits roll, a metal tank drives out of the Bank of England. The British policemen confront it)
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm not really paying attention to the starring credits when a goddamn tank is onscreen!
NC: This is especially frustrating, because it distracts from the police's brilliant tactical strategy.
NC: Well, if it didn't work once, better try it again.
Policeman: (as the tank gets closer to him) Halt!
NC: (arms akimbo) Well, I don't think you're asking polite enough, as a tank, it has to stop after you say "halt" a third time! (Beat) You're gonna say "halt" a third time, aren't you?
Policeman: Halt! In the name of the law!
NC: Yeah, you deserve this Wile E. Coyote death.
(The tank drives over the policeman, killing him. As it turns out, the tank belongs to a terrorist group that steals Leonardo da Vinci's blueprints of Venice's foundations and kidnaps German scientists. Headlines from various newspapers are shown, like "Germany's Newest Weapon" or "Not Us!" Says Germany". After that, we are shown the masked leader of the group called the Fantom (he has a beard and one eye), who is controlling the construction process in his lair)
NC (vo): Thank God newspapers were written like Tweets back then, as Germany says "Nein us!" and the culprits are rounding up every textbook mad scientist to say every textbook mad scientist cliche.
Scientist: (in German, subtitled) What do you want?
Fantom: The world. I want the world.
NC: You know, can't one of these supervillains ever answer with (the map of...) Kaua'i? It's pleasant, the weather's nice, it's really all you need. I would identify more of the villain if he said he just wanted Kaua'i!
(The Fantom shoots the atomic missle out of his rocket launcher and blows the blimp hangar up)
NC (vo): Well, I can see why they focused mostly on his eye, as the rest of him looks like a basement cosplayer who couldn't fit into his costume, so he grabbed whatever leftover scraps didn't have Cheeto dust all over him.
NC: (as the Fantom) Yeah, this is my...
NC: I am Leonidas Cruella De Destro! Fear me!
NC (vo): With Germany now attacking and Europe threatening to go to war, we logically cut to Kenya. As in...Kenya tell me why the hell I'm supposed to give a shit?
(We are shown a liaison for the British Empire, Sanderson Reed (Tom Goodman-Hill), who is sent by the British Empire in Kenya to recruit adventurer and hunter Allan Quatermain. Reed walks into a bar)
Reed: Where's Quatermain?
NC (vo): Ryan Gosling Affleck here is looking for a man named Alan Quatermain. And tell me if for a brain-dead second you would actually believe this is him.
(Reed walks to an old sailor named Nigel. Next to him is a man reading a book)
Reed: Do I have the pleasure of addressing Allan Quatermain?
Nigel (David Hemmings): Uh, yes, you do, sir. Indeed, you do.
NC: (as Nigel) Yes. That's it. And you want to know what I'm not into lying? (smiles and nods) I'm totally not into that!
NC (vo): If only we could figure out who the real Quatermain was. It could be anyone, even that Sean Connery-shaped man to the right.
Reed: The empire needs you.
(The man turns his head to Reed, revealing to be Allan Quatermain himself, played by Connery)
Quatermain: Do I need the empire? I'm Quatermain.
NC: Oh, movie! (hits the desk with hands) Got us!
Quatermain: Nigel is useful for keeping the story seekers at bay.
NC: Is he? He looked pretty bad at it.
NC (vo): This representative of the British government says he needs him because war is on the horizon.
Reed: Countries set at each other's throats, baying for blood. It's a powder keg. War.
Quatermain: With whom, exactly?
Reed: A world war.
NC: (as Reed) And by world, I mean mostly Europe, which is pretty much the world to us.
Reed: Stories of your exploits have thrilled English boys for decades.
NC: (grins) ...So many directions I could take that joke.
(A group of the Fantom's assassins enter the bar and kill Nigel. After this, Quatermain fights them)
NC (vo; as the assassin, channeling Mr. Hand from Dark City): Mr. Murdoch, yes? (normal) These assassins here shoot the wrong Quatermain...Christ, you could say a five-year-old girl is Quatermain, and they'll fall for it!...And they have themselves a shootout.
(The leader of the assassins throws three knives at Quatermain, nailing him to the wall)
NC: ...For a pretty skilled knifeman and a lot of Sean Connery to hit, that was pretty embarrassing.
(Quatermain grabs the board and charges at one assassin, directing him to a rhino horn trophy on the wall)
NC (vo): Nothing like a wino impaling on a rhino.
(Quatermain kills the assassin by impaling him with a horn. A British flag falls on the dead leader)
NC (vo; as Quatermain): God save yourself, you son of a bitch.
Quatermain: Rule, Britannia.
(Walking out of the bar, Quatermain shoots the remaining assassin who tried to flee in the chest and expects him to reveal what happened)
NC (vo): But there's one assassin left.
(The assassin drinks the poison and falls down, dead)
NC (vo; as Quatermain): What, do I smell bad?
(To find out more about the attack on him, Quatermain travels to London)
NC (vo): Fearing the war will come to Africa, Connery agrees to help and is flown to London to meet up with the man in charge, M.
NC: (hand on cheek) No, that's not a James Bond joke, that's really what he's called.
(At a conference hall, Quatermain sees a sharp-dressed person)
M (Richard Roxburgh): My superiors call me M.
NC (vo): Even Connery has a look that's like... (as Quatermain) Oh, dumb. I get it.
(Cut to a scene from before of Quatermain walking out of the carriage)
NC (vo): And if you think that's bad, listen to the joke that precedes it.
Reed: You made good time getting here.
Quatermain: Not as good as Phileas Fogg.
NC: And you think that's bad? They had to spell it out for you, the dumbass audience, where it's from!
Quatermain: Around the World in 80 Days. Heh.
NC (vo): Even that laugh, it seems to say... (as Quatermain) We're making this kind of movie, ha. I should have mailed the script to the Marx Brothers.
(Back to Quatermain meeting M)
NC (vo): Connery can barely even take the title being told to his face!
M: ...newest generation of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Quatermain: League of what?
NC: (as Quatermain) No, seriously, when do we start filming the real movie?
(Quatermain examines the blueprints M gave him)
M: They've discovered these attacks are all the work of one man who calls himself the Fantom.
Quatermain: Very operatic.
NC: (off-screen, not in his chair) GOD!
(A man in Indian clothes enters the room. He is Captain Nemo, who is played by Naseeruddin Shah)
NC (vo): He's introduced to the League, first with Captain Nemo.
M: Allan Quatermain, Captain Nemo.
Quatermain: Rumor has it that you're a pirate.
NC: (as Quatermain) And white, according to most movie versions. (The posters and covers for five adaptations of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea are shown, which include the 1997 TV movie starring Michael Caine, the 1954 Disney version, the 4D version from Sea World, the Crayola Kids Adventures version from 1997 and some other version.)
(Next are Rodney Skinner, aka The Invisible Man II (Tony Curran), and Mina Harker (Peta Wilson))
NC (vo): He's also greeted by the Invisible Man and Mina Harker. And seeing how M is played by Richard Roxburgh, who plays the villain in goddamn everything, I'm just gonna guess and say the "M" stands for "Moriarty".
(We immediately cut to the movie's climax and the villain reveal)
Quatermain: Or would you prefer...Moriarty?
NC: Don't even go ahead. You know they're lame enough to do it!
(The League walk out of the building and see a person standing in front of a long, white automobile)
Quatermain: What in God's name is that?
Nemo: I call it an...automobile.
NC: Okay, this isn't Dora the Explorer. You can say new words at a regular pace.
NC: (as Nemo) Or...caaaaaaarrrr.
Nemo: (points to the man) This is my first mate.
Ishmael (Terry O'Neill): Call me Ishmael.
NC: (off-screen, out of chair again) JESUS CHRIST!
(As we are shown the London docks, a green arrow points to a poster with Alan Moore, Kevin O'Neill, Ben Dimagmaliw and Bill Oakley's names on it)
NC (vo): Hey, look. The makers of this comic were so embarrassed to be in it, they just sent their names. In fact, wait. (The Fantom is shown next to a photo of Alan Moore) Alan Moore isn't playing the villain?
NC: I think that's the biggest twist so far!
(Quatermain knocks on the door, and it is opened by a young man)
NC (vo; as Quatermain): What dumbass book are you from?
Quatermain: (inadvertently facing the camera) Mr. Dorian Gray?
NC: Well, we'd ask the same question.
(The League enter Gray's house. A wall in the hall is completely covered with woman portraits, except for one spot)
Quatermain: You're missing a picture, Mr. Gray.
Dorian (Stuart Townsend): You don't miss a thing, do you?
Quatermain: Well, sometimes.
NC (vo; as Quatermain): Good scripts, for example. I miss those a lot.
(Dorian tells the League that he was once Mina's lover)
NC (vo): So we go from one big building where we're sitting around talking to another big building where we're sitting around talking.
NC: (shakes fists unenthusiastically) Squee.
Nemo: We, all of us, have traits useful in this endeavor. (motions towards Quatermain and Mina) A hunter, scientist, even Skinner has stealth.
Skinner: (having finished a drink; it is shown going down his throat) Cheers.
NC: Oh, look.
NC (vo): We can see a drink go down his throat.
NC: (throws hands) Shouldn't we see all the food drink he's ever had then? Like, over the days or weeks, whatever? And...shouldn't we technically be seeing it turn into... (gets disgusted) Why are you making me think this, movie?!?
(The Fantom appears in the room with his assassins)
NC (vo): But Ivan the Bland shows up to try and take out our heroes.
Fantom: I give to you all a special one-time invitation. (grins) Join me.
NC: You know the mask is supposed to cover the ugly part, right?
(Quatermain notices a person with a gun whose mouth is covered winking at him. The person opens fire on an assassin, and another fight begins)
NC (vo): Connery gets a wink from someone who's on his side, though, and another shootout commences.
(Quatermain pushes the wheeled ladder, and it moves around the bookshelves, hitting the assassins)
NC (vo; as all the assassins): Ladder! Ladder! Ladder! Ladder! Ladder! Henry, did you survive the ladder? I will never be the same after that ladder! (Nemo sword-fights the assassins) Oh, my God, this guy has a sword! And all we have are machine guns! (Dorian soon joins the League in fighting) And that's nothing compared to this guy's cane!
NC: You know the stormtroopers defeated by the Ewoks are probably looking at these guys, saying...
(A shot of three stormtroopers in a canteen from Star Wars: The Force Awakens is shown)
NC (vo; as a stormtrooper): You know what? We did good.
(An assassins shoots wildly through Dorian's chest, but the wounds disappear like the sand)
Assassin: What are you?
NC: (as Dorian) I'm White Prince.
Dorian: I'm complicated.
NC: (as Dorian) Oh, that is so something White Prince would say!
(Mina bites onto another assassin's neck and drinks his blood)
NC (vo): Mina reveals her power, too, as apparently, she's a vampire.
NC: (speaks slowly) From Dracula!...I don't know, everything else is spelled out.
(A young man with a gun steps out to the League)
NC (vo): Who's this, sexy Don Quixote?
Mina: And you are?
Tom Sawyer (Shane West): Special Agent Sawyer.
NC: Oh, cool! Did you trick some kids...
NC (vo): ...to painting out the bullet holes from Dorian's suit? Where the hell did those go?
Quatermain: You're in.
(Cut to a giant, muscular red man is running around the roofs of Paris. He is Dr. Jekyll (Jason Flemyng) in his Edward Hyde form)
NC (vo): They travel to Paris to get one last recruit, Dr. Jekyll ripping off Van Helsing. (Frankenstein's monster from 2004 movie Van Helsing is shown) Or did Van Helsing rip off this?
NC: You know what? They're both shitty movies. We all lose.
(The League capture and chain Hyde and board Captain Nemo's submarine, the Nautilus, which is a giant, long sword)
NC (vo): I'll give credit that the effects on him are legitimately pretty good, and I also like that Nemo's Sword of the Ocean actually looks like a sword of the ocean. You know, (Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII is shown) Cloud's sword, but still sword. But most of the movie is just people standing around yapping. That wouldn't be too bad, except they're not even talking like they're interested in what they're saying. These are the most famous characters in fiction, each one of them has a book centered around them, yet they all talk in the dullest of roars and the most mono of tones.
(The League is shown in various clips)
Mina: (to Dorian) I was surprised you ultimately joined the League.
Nemo: (examining the blueprints with Quatermain) So it's clear. With Da Vinci's blueprints and enough explosives...
Dorian: (to Mina) I mean to undo the flaws in my character.
Quatermain: (to Nemo) Your past haunts you? (A period of silence occurs)
NC: Pagemaster developed these characters better!
NC (vo): There's supposed to be a love triangle between Mina and...actually, everybody, but no one has any chemistry, even as friends!
Sawyer: He's gonna sink the whole city.
Quatermain: Yes, and, uh, spark off his world war.
NC: And the biggest insult is, as a comic book movie, think about what you can do with this idea!
NC (vo): Maybe the vampire takes Jekyll's potion. Maybe Tom Sawyer can turn invisible. Maybe Nemo and Quatermain can invent some new kick-ass weapons! Combine these characters, work off of what they know, come up with some really interesting ideas! But, nope. None of that is taken advantage of. They just all sit around and talk at a very low tone like they need a goddamn nap. They're supposed to have the chemistry of the X-Men, but they have the dozing effect of NyQuil!
Sawyer: So he'll attack the conference by sea.
(Nemo looks up at Quatermain and Sawyer. Cut to Nemo walking down the passageway with Quatermain)
Quatermain: Thank you for your, uh, contribution so far.
(Then we are shown Sawyer casually walking up to Quatermain practicing his aim outside. In total silence)
NC (vo): DO SOMETHING!! Imagine if some of the greatest comic book characters of all times got together, and this is all they did!
(Cut to a skit, showing Blade (Malcolm) typing on a laptop, Wonder Woman (Tamara) polishing her fingernails and Spider-Man (Doug) reading a book "Foundation" by Isaac Asimov. Wonder Woman turns her head to Spider-Man)
Wonder Woman: Is it a good book?
Wonder Woman: Really?
(Wonder Woman goes back to put a brush in a nail polish. She then faces Blade)
Wonder Woman: What are you writing?
Blade: My memoirs.
Wonder Woman: Oh. I bet you had an interesting life.
Blade: ...Not really.
(Wonder Woman nods in understanding and returns to her nail polish)
Spider-Man: Should we, like, talk about our passions or our dreams?
Wonder Woman: (disinterested) Why?
(Spider-Man gives a low sigh and goes back to reading. Blade stops typing)
Blade: Either of you see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
Wonder Woman and Spider-Man: Yeah, that sucked.
(All three return to what they were doing. Wonder Woman decides to sniff the nail polish...and smiles in satisfaction. We go to a commercial. When we return, we are shown the Nautilus going across the canals of Venice at night)
NC (vo): The League makes it to Venice to apparently stop a bomb that the Fantom is going to set off.
(The Nautilus continues to move above the water)
NC (vo; as Sawyer, in a staged whisper): No one will ever see us! Come on, it's not like this thing can go underwater or anything. God, this is stupid!
NC: By the way, have I gone colorblind, or is there not one spectrum of color in this?
(Cut to a Venice carnival going on...in pretty dull colors. The fireworks go off)
NC (vo): Even the goddamn fireworks have no color, and that's their only purpose, to go boom and have color! Maybe the Fantom is a genetic fusion of the villains from Rainbow Brite. (Murky and Lurky from Rainbow Brite are shown)
NC: You know that makes too much sense!
(The bombs explode, causing the city to start collapsing in a domino effect)
NC (vo): But more than one bomb goes off, sinking a ton of Venice's buildings.
(The League get out of the Nautilus and onto the streets as the ground shakes)
Nemo: Get ahead of the collaps and destroy the next building!
Sawyer: We can interrupt the chain of destruction.
Nemo: No room for error, but I tell you it could work!
Jekyll: What are you talking about?
NC: God...Even when explosions go off, they just talk!
NC (vo): It should be the frigging League of Extraordinary Conversations! Except the conversations are boring, too!
(Sawyer runs into the Nautilus and returns, driving Nemo's automobile)
NC (vo): We do finally get some bland action, though, as the new device called...
(Cut to a scene from before)
NC: Remember, a device so new, they say it like this...
NC (vo): ...can be driven perfectly by Sawyer, who, despite never seeing one or being on one before, can pull a Fast and Furious trailer pretty quick out of his ass!
(The League, sans Quatermain, shoot off the Fantom's assassins and drive to a bomb location)
NC: (as Sawyer, "driving") No, no, I swear! This is the first time I've ever driven this (speaks slowly) automobile.
(The automobile crashes into a building with the bombs)
NC: (waves off) He'll be fine.
(The building explodes when hit by Nemo's missile)
NC: ...He'll be fine.
(Sawyer comes out, unharmed)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ, he really is fine!
NC: Give him a scratch, at least! I was half-joking!
(Meanwhile, Quatermain tracks the Fantom down with his double-barreled gun to the cemetery)
NC (vo): They stop the rest of the bombs, as Connery hunts the Fantom down to a cemetery of his failed movie choices. Look, there's Medicine Man.
Fantom: (trying to find a place to hide) You see yourself as the brave John Bull. But you're weak.
NC: You know, it's pretty funny him calling Connery weak when he's...
NC (vo): ...skipping away in fear like the naked guy from Life of Brian. You don't look like the image of strength here, buddy. You look like a missing Hobbit dwarf: Boring, son of Snoring.
(Quatermain knocks the Fantom off his feet, and he is unmasked and unbearded. The person is M)
NC (vo): But it turns out the Fantom is Fant-M. That's right, it was M wearing a mask under a mask!
M: You don't know the half of it. (runs away)
NC: You know, for a criminal mastermind, you really didn't need to do a lot of this.
NC (vo): You had a really nice place to hang out. There is literally no point in you going to all these places except to make monologues about wanting (imitates the Fantom) the world!
(Cut back to the Fantom's introduction)
Fantom: The world.
NC: In fact, I'm sorry. What's this guy's plan again?
(M and Dorian, who turned out to be a traitor, leave a phonograph recording for the League, which Nemo puts to listen. We are also shown M and Dorian speaking to the black-and-white camera, presumably recording the audio)
NC (vo): Well, the scratched audio recording giving a scratched film reference, despite it not being recorded on film, should explain.
Dorian: And I have been true to the goals set to me.
M: War will come, sooner or later, as inevitable as summer into autumn. / It is over. For you.
NC: I think between this guy's...
NC (vo): ...Clinton eyebrows and his "Peter Dinklage bonking William Shatner" voice, it could be the world's hammiest magician act.
M: Even the League itself. There is no League. There never was. It was a ruse to get me closer to my goals.
NC: (as M, speaking quickly) Am I over here? Or am I over here? I'm actually right behind you. Just kidding, I was in front of you the whole time. But I fooled you for a second, didn't I? (chortles)
(M also reveals that while Dorian was with the League, he has been secretly collecting physical elements of the members to create superhuman formulas and sell M off to the highest bidder)
NC (vo): It appears he started this war because he saw war is inevitable anyway... Hey, here's an idea. Instead of speeding it up, why don't you goddamn stop it, you friggin' mastermind? Nevertheless, he wants to be the most powerful force when that war comes, so he steals samples from all the League. Jekyll's potion, Invisible Man's skin, Mina's blood, Connery's accent; he's got them all. It's a little hard to pay attention, though, as through all of this, Hyde is making faces in the mirror, oddly enough, both figuratively and literally.
(Jekyll looks at a mirror and sees a growling Hyde as his distorted reflection)
Dorian: (from the recording) What fool reveals his stratagem before the game is over? While I've rambled on...
NC: ...I honestly don't see how making faces to the side enhances anything! (Beat) Especially after 20 minutes of it.
(Cut to show Malcolm and Tamara making faces next to NC)
NC: (annoyed) Will you knock that off?! You've been doing that the entire review!
(They stop reluctantly)
Malcolm: (scoffs) He just doesn't see the necessity of it. (They leave)
NC: I don't!
NC (vo): It turns out M and Dorian left a bomb on the sub as well, leading to the most witty of parting lines.
Dorian: Bomb voyage. (The recording ends)
NC: (as Dorian) I got that from a Captain Crunch box.
(The bombs hidden on the Nautilus explode, and the submarine is flooded)
NC (vo): The bomb goes off as we see why it was such a dumb idea to bring all these characters together, because...well, they can work together to become even stronger!
NC: Yeah, why the hell didn't he (M) just visit them individually to get the samples?
NC (vo): They'd be less powerful without all the supernatural backup! Not that their acting is any stronger when they're together.
(To save the engine room from flooding as Hyde, Jekyll drinks the formula out of the last flask and groans in pain)
NC: (claps his hands) Congratulations! You win the Reb Brown Awkward Scream Award! (A scene of Reb Brown as Dave Ryder in Space Mutiny screaming and the golden cup with his face are shown)
(The Nautilus goes above the water, and the League and Nemo's crew clean up the mess)
NC (vo): They obviously stop the ship from sinking and bring it up to the surface to figure out their next move. (as Quatermain) "Bomb voyage". I just got it. Ha-ha-ha!
Crewman: We're getting a signal.
(The League goes to the telegraph and hears the signal sent via the Morse code)
Quatermain: Morse code.
(NC rolls his eyes in irritation)
NC: Only an extraordinary gentleman would figure that out!
Quatermain: Morse code.
NC (vo; as Quatermain): I'll even translate what it says. Dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Dot.
Nemo: All ahead, full!
(The League find out that Skinner has sneaked aboard the exploration pod, and they follow his heading into northern Mongolia)
NC (vo): They're told where M is going and follow him in the submarine to his secret hideout.
(An audio sample of The Hunt for Red October is played over)
Soldier: (speaking Russian, subtitled) Cold this morning, Captain.
Captain Marko Ramius (played by Sean Connery): (speaking Russian, subtitled) Cold...and hard.
(The League observe M's factory fortress with explosives and reunite with Skinner, who was hiding in the cave)
NC (vo): Invisible Man sneaks into his hideout to report back what he finds. Of course, being completely naked and somehow surviving the goddamn freezing cold.
(Skinner and the League go back in the cave)
NC: Eww. I saw snow on his dingy.
(The inside of M's factory fortress is shown as the League sneak into it. They split up for Nemo and Hyde to rescue the scientists, Quatermain and Sawyer try to find M, Mina to battle Dorian and Skinner to set the explosive charges)
NC (vo): He says in the hideout, there's a ton of tanks, Nautilus subs and metal super suits being made to take over the world. Well, at the very least, we're promised a kick-ass climax with none of those tanks, none of those subs and only one of those friggin' suits being used!
(M's assassin in the metal suit is shown fighting Sawyer)
Black Knight: (audio, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) I'll bite your legs off!
NC (vo): But it's okay, because we get this weird shaving edit in the middle of the action.
(Quatermain and Sawyer sneak into M's room, and for a second, M is shown shaving his moustache)
NC: Of course. That's how he got rid of his mustache. It's all falling into place! (reaches arms out) Thank God they focused on that!
NC (vo): I'll give credit that there are two cool things in this climax. One is this line.
(Nemo and his crew approach Hyde)
Nemo: We have trouble.
Hyde: I call it sport.
NC: (waves hand) That's just awesome.
NC (vo): And the other is this guy.
(M's lieutenant named Dante (Max Ryan) is shown firing his gun wildly at Nemo's crew, laughing madly)
NC (vo): As far as I know, he was never introduced before, but...Look at him! He's the only guy having fun in this entire movie!
NC: It only gets better when...
NC (vo): ...he takes Hyde's potion and covers himself with it!
(Dante picks up a flask full of the formula and drinks the whole thing, clearly enjoying it, and throws it on the floor. He then starts shaking and falls on the floor as he starts transforming)
NC (vo): This movie is doing everything right with this character. This is the exact weird-ass guy I want to take this potion in the exact weird-ass way I want him to take that potion. Leading to...holy shit! Look at this!
(Dante transforms into...a HUGE, bulking red monster and charges at Hyde, knocking him back with enough force to crash the wall! Hyde and Dante fight on almost equal terms)
NC (vo): Why weren't we getting this movie the whole time?
(Cut back to M finishing his shaving and preparing to leave)
NC (vo): Fear not, though. Boring-ass conversations are on the way!
(Quatermain and Sawyer appear and hold M at gunpoint)
Quatermain: Do not move, M. Or would you prefer...Professor James Moriarty?
NC: I prefer a surprise that actually surprises. Like just how bad (poster of...) Never Say Never Again was. But I guess this will do. (Beat) Actually, no, it won't, but the movie's made. (grimaces)
NC (vo): M escapes while Dorian fights off Mina, and... (Dorian stabs Mina in her chest, and she falls on the bed) ...clearly doesn't kill her, like that's...nowhere near her heart! (As Dorian turns to leave, Mina recovers, takes his sword and stabs him in return) But she surprises us by pointing out that was nowhere near her heart!
Mina: This time you missed.
NC: Oh, that's right. It's a man's heart in his stomach. If you were a guy, you'd totally be dead!
(Mina exposes Dorian's portrait to him, and Dorian dies, crumbling to dust. Meanwhile, while Quatermain and Sawyer chase Moriarty, Sawyer is pushed back by an invisible force)
NC (vo): She shows him the picture, killing him off, while supposedly the Invisible Man comes to help Sawyer.
Sawyer: (to Quatermain) It's okay. It's Skinner.
Reed: (revealed to have drank the invisibility serum) What makes you think I'm Skinner? (pulls out a knife and attacks Sawyer)
NC: ...What makes you think it was smart to tell him that?
NC (vo): Dumbass, you could have had him dead in a second. Now he's just weirded out that there's two invisible schlongs in the open during this climax!
(Sawyer seemingly kills Reed, while Moriarty and Quatermain fight)
NC (vo): Connery meets up with M and tries to finish him off.
(Moriarty takes a medieval sword)
NC (vo; as Quatermain): Oh, no! He has an S word!
(Eventually, Quatermain disarms Moriarty and faces him)
Moriarty: There'll be others like me, Quatermain! You can't kill the future!
(Quatermain picks an ax and heaves it to kill Moriarty, who is shown to be scared)
NC: Oh, Lord! Will the...villain make it? Why are you making us concerned about him?
(Moriarty shows his Fantom mask to show Quatermain that Reed has captured Sawyer, putting a knife to his throat. Quatermain kills Reed, but Moriarty fatally stabs Quatermain and manages to flee with the formulas)
NC (vo): M reveals, though, that he has Connery's son, Sawyer. Yep. His son. They borrow it from the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Book of Weak-Ass Twists, and M gets the jump on him.
(As Moriarty falls down, his coat waves in the wind like it's a cape)
NC: (surprised) Oh! I didn't know Batman...
NC (vo): ...counted as a fictional character you could have in this world! Lord knows, I'd actually welcome an Austrian Mr. Freeze just to see someone smile!
(Before Moriarty could escape, Sawyer pulls out a perfect shot from a big distance, killing Moriarty. The suitcase with the formulas sinks in the icy water. Sawyer rushes back to Quatermain, who is about to breathe his last)
NC (vo): Sawyer finishes M off, but apparently can't save his out-of-nowhere father relationship in time.
Quatermain: May this new century be yours, son. (He dies)
NC: (poker-faced) Wow. Even the main character's death seemed dull as shit.
NC (vo): It doesn't look like he died. It looks like he was shown a clip of him singing from Darby O'Gill and the Little People.
(A clip from that film is shown, showing Michael McBride (Connery) singing "Pretty Irish Girl")
Michael: (singing) She is my dear, my darling one, my smilin' and beguilin'...
(Then we see Quatermain dying. We cut to Sawyer and the League burying Quatermain)
NC (vo): So they bury him back in Kenya. Don't worry. I'm sure Dr. Frankenstein will drop by to whip him into shape.
Nemo: I have long hidden away from the world. Now I wish to see it anew as the century turns. You're all welcome to join me.
NC (vo): Even the funeral in this is like, "Yeah, okay...cool. I miss him, I guess."
(A witch doctor is seen performing a ritual over Quatermain's grave)
NC (vo): But fear not, as apparently, Kenyan shamans have cured death! Turns out the secret was dancing! Dancing cures death!
NC: Um... (shrugging) like and share?
(The witch doctor sings loudly as lightning strikes the rifle on Quatermain's grave before cutting to black, then cut to Draco from the movie Dragonheart)
NC (vo): Yeah, the downside is, he's reincarnated as a CG dragon, and still can't sing.
(Draco is seen singing his dragon song to Kara)
NC: And that was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! (pause) I'm sure it tried its best.
(Cut to a clip from The Rock)
John Mason (Connery): Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
NC: I will go through all of Sean Connery's IMDb page. (This page appears below him)
(We cut back to the film's clips for the final time as NC states his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): Everyone seems half-awake, it's visually colorless, the effects are hit-and-miss, it's just an all-around boring movie. I can't say it's anywhere near the worst I've seen, not even close. It's just dull and uneventful. All of these characters are from the greatest stories ever written, but having them all together doesn't seem to make any of this work. That's gotta be some bad writing if you can't make them leap off the screen as they originally leaped off the page. And if anyone is foolish enough to do a sequel in the future, it had better look something like this. (A parody of A League of Our Own poster for the sequel is shown with pictures of Shane West, Sean Connery, and Peta Wilson along with the tagline, "There's no crying in bad comic book movies!")
NC: Now that'd be a final film for Connery to go out on! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Nemo: ...Automobile.