The King and I

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March 19, 2013
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(We do the opening for the Nostalgia Critic before we come to him in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk a little history. (The crowd yells) Shut up! You're gonna learn something!

(A picture of Anna Leonowens is shown)

NC (vo): In 1862, Anna Leonowens was given the opportunity (a picture of Mongkut) to teach the many wives and children of Mongkut, the King of Siam. She accepted and later wrote a series of memoirs about her experience called "The English Governess and the Siamese Court." The memoirs were...controversial, to say the least. Many saying she exaggerated or downright fabricated her influence on the King, and that she reduced a man who was a Buddhist monk for 27 years into a cruel, extreme, even violent monarch. Years later, Margaret Landon wrote a fictionalized, or...

NC: (finger quoting) "...even more" fictionalized version called...

NC (vo): ...Anna and the King of Siam, again reinforcing Anna as the revolutionary and Mongkut as the harsh, eccentric ruler. Thailand finally said, "Hey! We've had it up to here with your bullshit! We're going to write our own version for English readers, which will later become Mongkut, the King of Siam, and our writings will be placed in the Library of Congress for all you readers to see the truth. Maybe then, America will know the true history of our beloved ki--(suddenly interrupted by a picture of the stage play)--goddamn it!" (Clips from the 1956 movie play) Rodgers and Hammerstein's The King and I came out, glorifying Landon's book and making her story more popular than it's ever been. So the controversy about telling only one side of the story continued from here on.

NC: But then another adaptation came out, this time in animated form, under the same name, The King and I.

(Clips of the animated movie play)

NC (vo): Animated by Warner Bros.* and released in 1999, this movie surely would offer a new outlook on history and myth. Not unlike something like The Prince of Egypt did: Taking a relatively famous tale, but updating it with modern dramatic storytelling while still coming from a different but respectful point of view.

(NOTE: The movie was distributed by Warner Bros., but was animated and produced by Rich Animation Studios)

NC: (taking out Mongkut The King of Siam) Perhaps Thailand's dignified look on their beloved King will finally come to light. So tell me, how does this look back on history begin?

(We start off with a stormy night as a dragon attacks a ship. Anna and her son Louis are huddling together)

Louis: What is it, mother?

Anna: A dragon!

(NC throws the book out and without looking, shoots it with his gun, making pages rain down)

NC: This is The King and I.

NC (vo): Did I see that right? I mean, did I REALLY see that right?! A dragon?! We're starting off The King and I with a FUCKING DRAGON?! What band of bum-diots produced this cinematic idiocy- (Rankin/Bass is credited)

NC: Oh, gee! Now it makes sense!

(Clips from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman are shown)

NC (vo): Rankin/Bass; the same animation team who made those stop-motion specials...that put more emphasis on the stop than the motion...and produced a whole slew of what I like to call "awkward-mation", the cartoons that were never good, but you were just so fascinated by how strangely they moved that you have no choice but to keep watching. (Back to King and I) This film doesn't even have that distinction. It has good animation.

NC: an extent.

NC (vo): It's good Warner Bros. animation trying to be good Disney animation resulting in BAD Warner Bros. animation.

NC: But honestly, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Let's look at how this film begins.

NC (vo): The governess is being transported to Thailand during a nasty storm. (Anna is trying keep her books on a table, while in the background, Anna's son is seen jumping off the ship through the porthole) Clearly, she's already doing a bang-up duty of her job, as her son is climbing the edge of the boat for his pet monkey. I'm sure she'll do great looking after those kids.

Captain: I should've known it was you.

(Anna and the captain pull her son on board)

Anna: Louis, are you alright?

(Cut to two men watching Anna on the ship through a magic mirror in a dark cave)

NC (vo; imitating Queen Grimhilde from Snow White): Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the loosest adaptation of all?

Kralahome: I'll use this English school teacher to help me dethrone the King.

NC (vo): Actually, this is the prime minister, Kralahome. (Cut to scenes of Kralahome in Rodgers and Hammerstein's The King and I) In the original film, he's a stone-faced traditionalist who believes in the old ways, trying to help the King run a good government but still keep true to his traditions.

NC: This one comes...pretty close.

NC (vo): Here, he's an evil wizard who wants to dethrone the King by using his magic powers to take over all of Siam.

NC: Oh, and the Japanese didn't fire at hospitals. (Shows a clip from Pearl Harbor) What? What?

NC (vo): Upon hearing that the school teacher is arriving, he comes up with a plan so evil, that it makes rats jump out of his shadow. You heard right, rats jump out of his shadow.

Kralahome: I'll cleverly convince her that our king is a barbarian! (Rats jump out of his shadow)

NC: Isn't that like one of the missing Grinch lyrics?

(Several scenes of Kralahome are shown as NC performs an impression of Thurl Ravenscroft from How the Grinch Stole Christmas, singing a parody of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch")

NC (vo; singing): You're a mean one, Kralahome. You have rats in your shadow. You dance as horribly as a drunk Ricky Ricardo, Kralahoooo-ome. Thank God the person this is based on is dead and he has no estate to sue you, because if they could, they probably would.

Master Little: No, I don't get it. You're right, but you gonna explain it to me now, huh?

NC (vo): He also has a sidekick, played by Darrell Hammond, named Master Little. Why does he have a sidekick in this version?

NC: Because everybody has a funny little sidekick in this movie! In fact, we can probably just go ahead and start the funny little sidekick count! (1) The monkey, (2) most racist interpretation since Breakfast at Tiffany's (Master Little), (3) the Dragon- Eh, okay, we won't count him. But, yeah, I'd say, let's address the white elephant in the room, but we don't need to. It's one of the funny little sidekicks coming up!

(Cut back to the Dragon attacking the ship)

Sailor: What is it?!

NC (vo; sighs): And speaking of awkwardness that needs to be addressed, Kralahome does indeed send a dragon to attack them...which doesn't make sense, seeing how a second ago, he said he wanted her (Anna) for his plans, so why is he trying to scare her away? But thankfully, Anna has a foolproof way to fight him off: whistling. (Anna starts whistling) You heard right! 

NC: In fact, I'm gonna be saying that phrase a lot in this review. (Pulls down graphic with the words "YOU HEARD RIGHT" written on it) I'm just gonna have it on standby.

NC (vo): She starts whistling.

Louis: Mother, what are you doing?!

Anna: I'm whistling.

(Monkey mumbles something that sounds like "Whistling?")

Anna: That's what I do when I'm afraid.

NC (vo): Which, of course, leads into the famous song.

(The Dragon breathes fire at the ship, which circles around Anna and Louis, and then turns into snakes)

Anna: (singing) Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect. And whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect, I'm afraid.

NC (vo): Now, in the original (shows clip from Rogers and Hammerstein's The King and I), she tells her son she whistles because she's afraid to meet the King, and sometimes, her nerves get to her. (Cut back to the scene in the animated movie) Here, IT'S A FRIGGIN' DRAGON! Kill it with fire, spears, rocks, but not a musical number! You should be singing about the wonders of a semi-automatic!

Anna: I whistle a happy tune, (twirls around) and every single time-

NC (vo): Oh, and twirling. Yes, twirling will confuse the savage beast! (Cut to T-Rex from Jurassic Park) Where dinosaurs always based their sight on movement, (Cut back to the dragon) dragons apparently base their sight on...not-movement. So I guess they eat a lot of rocks. But you want to know the really bizarre thing about all of this? And trust me, it's not an easy sentence to say considering what we put onscreen. No, no. The really bizarre thing about all of this is...IT WORKS!

NC: (pulls down "YOU HEARD RIGHT!" sign) Yeah, the monster disappears!

(Cut back to the scene where the characters whistle and sing as the dragon vanishes in a flash of lightning)

NC (vo): I guess whistling and twirling are now permanent additions to the Naval Defense!

(Cut to the deck of a naval ship with three sailors (played by Doug Walker, Malcolm Ray, and Rachel Tietz). A roar is heard from a dragon offscreen)

Sailor (NC): Oh, my God! A monster! You know what to do!

(The sailors begin whistling and twirling to the same song in the film, only for the offscreen dragon to breathe fire on them in response, charring them. A puff of smoke is seen poofing from Malcolm's body. Cut back to the film)

NC (vo): So they make it to Epcot Thailand where Anna is finally introduced to the King, his high-fiving panther (Funny Little Sidekick Count: 3), (a shot of his children) his penis' resume, their cuddly sidekicks (Funny Little Sidekick Count: 4), and, of course...his possible multiple wives? Yeah, in the original, there's no mistake. They're definitely his wives. But here, they never clarify whether these are wives or servants. I guess either way, it doesn't matter, as we can just assume he's putting his dick in them, but still, a little clarity would be nice.

(We're introduced to the King's new servant, Tuptim)

NC (vo): While one of the newer servants is shown around the palace, she comes across her own cuddly playmate.

Tuptim: I shall call you Tusker. (Funny Little Sidekick Count: 5)

NC (vo): And the King's eldest son, Liu Kang.

(Prince Chulalongkorn meets Tuptim for the first time)

Tuptim: Tusker!

Prince Chulalongkorn (henceforth referred to as Prince): Who are you?

Tuptim: An object. Like rug given to King.

NC: (as Prince) Oh, good, I'm glad you know that. You see, usually, I have to talk to girls and treat them like individuals, but you seem to be ahead of the game.

NC (vo): But Thai Jafar (Kralahome), it turns out, seems to have a new sinister plan.

Kralahome: If the boy gets hurt, the King will be blamed.

Master Little: (punching his hand) We going to mess him up.

NC (vo): So first, it was "make the King look like a barbarian to Anna," then it was "scare Anna away with a dragon." Now it's "try to kill Anna's son?"

NC: You're like a one-man political debate. You can't stay agreed on anything.

NC (vo; singing as Thurl Ravenscroft): You lack focus, Kralahome. You need some Adderall.

(Master Little is shown taking Louis on a tour of the armory)

Louis: Whoa. You'd have to be brave to face one of those.

(Master Little "accidentally" bumps into a halberd, but Louis steps out of the way as it comes down)

Master Little: Darn it all.

Louis: (holding a spear) All right, you rat, take this right now!

(Master Little picks up a club and goes to attack him, but Louis ends up hitting him in the head with the butt of the spear, making the club go up in the air and then come down on Master Little's head)

NC (vo): So while most of the audience refills their popcorn, because clearly they know the next two minutes is nothing but this (basically more armory shenanigans), Shang Tsung (Kralahome) decides to write a letter to the British Fleet to make it look like the King is treating Anna horribly.

Sailor: Oh, Sir Edward. There's a letter for you.

Sir Edward: Really? (Just as he reaches it, the envelope flies off the tray) Follow that letter.

(We're treated to Sir Edward and the sailors in more cartoon hijinks trying to get the letter. One nearly goes overboard, but after being pulled up, he gets it)

NC (vo): Twelve trees died to give you that scene, folks. Was it worth it?

Sailor: Where to?

Sir Edward: Siam. To dethrone a barbaric king. (He then throws the letter away)

NC (vo; imitating Sir Edward): We got a random letter. Let's destroy a nation! (We cut back to Anna teaching the children) But, of course, Anna is fine, but apparently having trouble teaching her pupils.

Prince: Siam is not so small.

Anna: Oh, but look. (pointing to the map) England's even smaller.

Prince: But Royal Palace is center of whole universe.

NC (vo): You know, the irony is that this misunderstanding of history from delusional people at the top who think they're always right can just as easily be translated into American film animation. I mean, really think about it.

(We're now given a sketch with Rachel as Anna and Doug as the King)

Anna: So let us begin with the history of Thailand culture.

King: Thailand culture come from big dragon! (The dragon scene is shown) Big dragon decide who live and who die. And those left created Thailand.

Anna: All right, um, why don't we come back to Thailand history? Let's instead look at American history.

King: Ah, American history. (Clips of Pocahontas are shown) John Smith saved by full grown Indian princess! They have romance, and talk to singing tree.

Anna: All right, we'll come back to that, too. What do you know about Russian history?

King: Rasputin!

Anna: Yeees?

(Clips of Anastasia are shown)

King: Was an evil wizard with a talking bat, who cast spells on another pretty princess. Pretty princesses make up most of world history!

Anna: You know? Let's take a break and I'll read to you from some English Literature, like The Little Mermaid who sacrifices her life and...

King: She lives in the end. 

Anna: Okay.

(Anna shuts her book as she gives up. We now return to the movie)

Anna: There's a very ancient saying, but a true and honest thought...

NC (vo): So this leads to the musical's most famous song, and coincidentally, the most annoying.

Anna: (singing) Getting to know you; Putting it my way, but nicely; You are precisely my cup of tea.

(As the song number plays out, we are also treated with chase scene hijinks involving the monkey and Master Little)

NC (vo): Thank God once again the focus isn't on the interaction of the characters or their relationships, but rather an excuse to have the comic relief distract us with their rushed dumbass humor.

Anna & chorus: (singing) Getting to know you; Putting it my way, but nicely...

NC (vo): This serves especially humorous here as the song is entitled "Getting To Know You", and yet by paying more attention to the dragons, animals, and comedic antics, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE!!! It's like everything that should be in the foreground is in the background and everything that should be in the background is in the foreground!

NC: I mean, it's like people focusing more on the color of the wall than the person actually in front of it.

(That point makes the NC curious. As "Dance of the Hours" plays, he takes a look at the website's comment section and sees, indeed, a few comments complaining about the NC's new wall. He puts the comment section away, looking completely unamused)

NC: Really, guys? Really? ...Okay. Well, um...let's go to commercial while I try to fix this. (He points to the wall. Several audible groans come from off screen) Oh, no, no, no! Clearly, this is really important! Like, the show can't go on with this abomination behind me! I mean, here I thought the most important thing about the Nostalgia Critic...was the Nostalgia Critic! But no! It's the color of the fucking wall! That's the glue that held everything together! So, I'll be right back, we're gonna go to commercial... (more groans) No, no, no, it's too important! We're gonna go to commercial while I try to fix this atrocity behind me back here. (NC leaves his chair) Oh, God, what was I thinking? WHITE!!!

(The song finishes up as the show's title screen appears to lead us into commercial. After coming back from commercial, we come to another ad)

Announcer (Malcolm): From The King and I, the musical your parents tried to show you after making you watch Sound of Music, comes the 57th Anniversary recording of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein's music, featuring Hollywood's latest groundbreaking musical discovery, Russell Crowe.

(Russell Crowe is shown in a recording studio, played by Doug, of course)

Russell: ("singing") Getting to KNOW you. Getting to know all ABOUT you. Getting to LIKE you. Getting to HOPE you like ME.

Announcer: Behold the musical sensation from Les Miserables, and...whatever the hell band he's in, (30 Odd Foot of Grunts) delighting the world with his angelic instrument.

Russell: ("singing") Whenever I'm afraid, I hold my head ERECT. Whistle a happy TUNE. So no one would SUSPECT. I'm AFRAID. (he then fails to whistle and starts speaking) I can't whistle.

Tech: Cut. Cut recording. (The tech is shown to be played by Malcolm) Uh, Russell, what seems to be the problem?

Russell: I can't whistle, Paul.

Paul: Well, that's okay, we'll just dub over it in post.

(Russell then grabs Paul)

Russell: No one dubs over me, Paul. We'll just rewrite the music so I can sing it easier.

Paul: I think that might be a little disrespectful to the original material.

Russell: Nonsense. Perhaps you didn't hear my incredible performance in Less Miserab-less.

Paul: I did. That's why I was a little concerned.

Russell: All the critics praised me. They said they never heard anything like it. If Anne Hathaway didn't get the Academy Award, I maybe would have had Best Supporting Actress. Now rewrite the music before I punch you. Violently.

Paul: Will do.

Announcer: Also featuring world renowned artist from the 90's, Shakira.

(Shakira, played by Rachel, joins Russell)

Russell: ("singing") Shall we dance?

Shakira: Aaa-aaah!

Russell: ("singing") On a bright cloud of music, Shall we DANCE?

(Paul's cringing at the awful singing)

Shakira: Aaaa-aaah!

Paul: All right. cut recording. Russell, you're doing a great job. (Russell mouths "thank you") Um, but could you try it this time with a little more emotion?

Russell: Right, here's what I was thinking. I was thinking maybe I could squint my eyes and frown? How about that?

Paul: Or...maybe you could...try something else?

Russell: I don't think so.

Shakira: Nooo-ooo! He's a-riiii-iiight!

Announcer: Order now, and you can get other Hollywood sensation, Gerard Butler, singing your child to sleep with nursery rhymes.

(Doug's now wearing a Spartan helmet)

Gerard: TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR! (Paul's facepalming) HOW I WONDER WHAT! YOU! ARE! I was the Phantom!

(A mock CD cover is shown with Russell front and center and Shakira in the background)

Announcer: The King and I, sung by Russell Crowe. GOD, somebody has to humor him.

Russell: ("singing") And I'm JAVERT!!

Shakira: Aaa-aaah!

(Now we come back to the review. NC sits down with a remote in hand)

NC: Okay, I think I figured out a way to get them back. And... (he presses a button and the wall's the old color; "Dance of the Hours" plays again) Boom, there you go.

(The crowd sighs boredly)

Male voice 1: Trying to recapture the glory days. 

Male voice 2: It's kind of pathetic.

Female voice: Doesn't he wanna step it up a bit? Try something new?

NC: Okay, all right. (he pushes the button again and the wall now turns to Angry Joe's ship) Boom.

Male voice 3: Oh, look who sold out.

Male voice 1: He can hide behind all his high-tech effects so he can disguise the fact he doesn't try anymore.

(Another press of the button. The wall's black with the Nostalgia Critic logo on the left and a film projector on the right)

Male voice 1: Oh, now he's trying too hard.

Female voice: Could he be any more obvious?

(Another press and now the wall is popcorn)

Male voice 1: Mmm, I'm allergic to popcorn.

Female voice: He's so insensitive, never thinking of us.

(The wall now changes to SpongeBob SquarePants, Linkara's couch, then Phelous's room, each click making the audience groan)

Male voice 1: You know what I miss? The days when he had the white wall.

Male voice 3: Yeah, things were good back then.

Female voice: That'd be so retro if he went back to the white wall.

(One last click and the wall goes back to white, making the people "ooh" in satisfaction. NC drops the remote in disgust at the viewers' hypocrisy. Back to the movie, showing the King singing in front of a Buddhist statue)

NC (vo): So in keeping with the theme of "put as little attention on our main characters as possible," the King sings about the changes of the world and where he belongs in it. (As NC is about to describe, while the King is singing, he is unaware that numerous statues in the room are about to attack him as the panther tries to warn him) But also while giant killer STATUES come to destroy him. (scoffs) Thank God, I almost thought this song served a purpose.

(The statues continue to advance towards the King as he sings and the panther tries to warn him but fails)

King: (singing) When my father was a king, he was a king who knew exactly what he'd do.

(The panther tries to stop the statues himself)

NC (vo): But it's okay, because the comedic panther discovers quickly what can stop them. (beat) A roar.

(The panther roars which actually causes the statues to revert to their lifeless state and return to their positions in the room as Kralahome watches on with shock through his magic mirror...really. NC once again pulls down the "YOU HEARD RIGHT!" sign and pulls back up)

NC: A roar.

(Cut to the statues returning to normal played again, but also Kralahome angrily observing that he failed to defeat the King)

NC (vo): Why is it this wizard's powers seem to be defeated by the lamest things?

(Cuts to NC acting like Kralahome)

NC: (evil laughter) Now I will send in the powerful Godzilla! (Cuts to a clip from Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah as he laughs maniacally again) Oh, no! Somebody sneezed softly! (Cuts back to Godzilla as he is enveloped by an inserted fiery explosion) Well, next I will send in the massive Rodan! (Cuts to a clip from Rodan as he laughs maniacally again) Oh, no! Somebody ate a Mentos! (Cuts to Rodan flying but he plummets to the ground rapidly) Well, this time I'm sending in the horrifying aliens! (Cuts to clips from War of the Worlds showing the alien invasion as he laughs again) Oh, no, they're undone by the tiniest creatures that God in his wisdom put on this Earth: our diseases! (Cuts to him putting his head in his hands in shame) Oh, I'm a bad wizard!

(We are shown more scenes of Kralahome looking frustrated)

NC (vo; singing as Thurl Ravenscroft): You're an idiot, Kralahome. You need to up your game!

(Back to the movie as Anna visits the King who's informed that he will be kicked out under false accusations)

NC (vo): So the king gets a letter saying the British are coming to kick him out because they think he's a barbarian.

King: They call me barbarian!

Anna: Who?

King: Certain parties who wish to steal my country! Do you believe it?

Anna: But it's a lie!

King: A false lie!

NC: (confused) Doesn't that technically make it truth?

(The following scene does not appear in the YouTube version of this video.)

NC (vo): So they decide, rather than fight the British, they'll charm them by showing he's not a barbarian and by hosting a big party.

Anna: Oh, it's very exciting when you're young. And you're sitting on a small guilt chair, terrified that you'll be a wallflower. Suddenly, you see two black shoes,

(A glowing vision of a dancer's feet appears, much to NC's consternation)

NC (vo): What the hell?

Anna: A face.

(The glowing vision of the dancer himself appears, confusing NC even more)

NC (vo): DAH!

Anna: And it speaks. (singing) Shall we dance?

(Anna gets up to dance with the vision and cuts to NC still confused)

NC (vo, baffled): Sire, she's dancing with her musical schizophrenia again!

Anna: (singing) Shall we fly?

NC (vo): So, is this like what dead Jedi do when they come back from the grave and want a nice night out?

(Anna continues to dance with the vision)

Obi-Wan Kenobi (vo; inserted into scene): You will go to the Dagobah system. There, you will learn from Yoda.

Anna: (singing) Per chance when the last little star has left the sky.

NC (vo): And what makes it even crazier is that the King is just watching her dance with nothing! Just remember, guy, this is the woman who's going to show everyone you're not crazy.

(Dance scene starts again with Anna and the King dubbed over by NC)

Anna: Oh, yes, it's totally customary to dance with your mental breakdown after tea.

King: (confused) I'm beginning to see why your country part with you.

(Cuts to the feast where the British have arrived)

NC (vo): So the British arrive, and you know it's the British, because they literally play their national anthem every single time they're onscreen...

(Kralahome is talking to Sir Edward while "Rule Britannia", which isn't the British national anthem as Doug was mistaken, is heard in the background)

Kralahome: Oh, yes. But at the moment, he's pretending to be civilized.

Sir Edward: I'll see through that.

NC (vo): See? ...and everything seems to be going well, until he discovers that his son has given away a sacred piece of jewelry to one of the servants.

King: (angered) You gave away?

Prince: Father, may we discuss this privately?

(The King and the prince both leave the feast and Anna gets up from the table in suspicion)

King: Who, who, who?

NC: (surprised) What?

King: Who, who, who?

NC: Okay, your Daffy Duck impersonation's really gonna need some work.

King: Who, who, who?

(Daffy Duck (from My Favorite Duck) makes a hooting laugh similar to the King's demand. Back to the movie)

King: (after he removes jewelry from Tuptim) Dishonor! Servant girl and prince! Forbidden! (As Anna watches in horror) Do as custom demand! Whipped! (The monkey plugs his ears) Till death! (Tuptim gasps)

Anna: I cannot believe you'd do this!

King: Down, down, down!

(Two guards grab Tuptim by the arms and hold her down as the King prepares to whip her while everyone else watches on)

Prince: Father, no!

NC: Um, this might be really inappropriate, but seeing how this is a Rankin/Bass production, during this scene... (beat) Could we play this?

(Plays scene edited to accommodate the song "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way" from the 1980 adaptation of Return of the King, eventually showing NC dancing to this song)

Orcs (singing; vo): Where there's a whip, there's a way. Where there's a whip, there's a way. We don't want to go to war today...

(Back to the movie, where the King tosses his whip aside at the last minute and orders another penalty for Tuptim)

NC (vo): Oh, if you know the story, you know he can't bring himself to do it, but he does order her to be sent back to Burma.

(Cuts to a clip from Monty Python's Flying Circus)

Pepperpot 2: Why'd you say Burma?

Pepperpot 1: I panicked.

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): But the prince and her escape and try to run away.

(We cut to Kralahome and Master Little plotting their next move, with a text pointing to Kralahome that says "Wizard Magically Changes Clothes In..." with a countdown from 3)

Kralahome: Go to the ancient place of the elephants. (We cut to Kralahome in another outfit with a "ding" sound) Bring back their bodies, after the (chuckles) accident.

(Master Little's pants rip and fall down as Kralahome says this)

Master Little: There's going to be an accident?

Kralahome: Oh, yes.

NC (vo): You know, guy, you keep coming up with these complicated ways to seize power.

NC: Have you ever thought about just going up to a really powerful nation and being like... (pauses, then mimes using magic to conjure a dragon) D-ragons! (makes a dragon appear superimposed with a puff of smoke) I can make dragons! Gimme all your shit!

(Back to the movie, as Tuptim falls off a bridge into a strangely red/orange colored fast-moving river)

NC (vo): So the servant falls into the Pepsi-Cola river, but luckily, the King has his air balloon to try and save the day.

(The King swings on a rope held by the Prince, who pulls it so that the King tries to save Tuptim from the waterfall but fails and has to go down further before finally saving her)

King: Tuptim!

NC (vo; imitating the King): I must save her so I can give her proper whipping!

(Kralahome launches fireworks to try to destroy the hot air balloon)

NC (vo): Kralahome sets the balloon on fire while the King is still inside.

(The hot air balloon is on fire and swerving through the air. The Prince and Tuptim both jump off the balloon to safety by landing into the water below)

Kralahome: No!

(Kralahome sets off more fireworks, with text saying "Magic Clothes Again" pointing to him, and successfully knocks out the King as the balloon falls to the ground. Kralahome then dances victoriously, thinking he has won)

Big Gay Al (from South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut, dubbed over the scene): I'm super, thanks for asking! All things considered, I couldn't be better, I must say!

(Kralahome stops dancing as Sir Edward and the guards look sternly at him, having just seen what Kralahome has just done)

Kralahome: (nervously) Sir Edward, I can explain this.

NC: (imitating Kralahome) Umm... (conjures a dragon again) D-ragons! (However, a row of bars, accompanied by a jail door slam sound, come down, showing that he's arrested) Oh! (looks disappointed)

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): So the family goes to look over the damage.

(The Prince spots the King's hand from under the burnt hot-air balloon and removes the material to show that the King is seemingly dead. One of the King's children cries sadly as the panther tries awaking the King by licking. Seeming to have failed, the panther roars in despair, before Anna gasps distraughtedly)

NC (vo): Well, the panther has given his prognosis. He's definitely dead, folks.

(Suddenly, the King comes to)

King: I will say when is time to cry.

(Everyone else realizes he's OK)

NC (vo): So, he apparently lives in this version, and Anna even seems to stay behind.

(Just as NC said, Anna and the King share a dance together)

NC (vo; beat): You could make the argument that this is totally spitting in the face of history...

(The covers of the books and the image of the 1956 musical shown from before are displayed)

NC (vo): ...but the other versions seem to do that already. This is more a scrotum-shaving of history. Painful, insulting and not nearly short enough.

(The film ends as light shines from the temple where the King and Anna dance...seriously)

NC: And I think those are the perfect words to describe this movie overall.

(Clips from the movie play again as NC gives his final opinion)

NC (vo): Whether you like the original musical or not, I think everyone can agree this is beyond a serious downgrade. The child-friendly additions are so painful and so out of place that I keep expecting to see the Saturday TV Funhouse logo pop up from SNL. I've learned more about Thailand by eating at a Thai restaurant. It cares nothing for its main characters and instead wants to focus on its comedic side characters, which, even then, aren't really that developed either! And when we get down to it, it doesn't even make any sense. Why make a kid-friendly version of something like this anyway? Did they really think there was gonna be a big enough crowd for it?

NC: All I can say is, you won't see me trying to cash in on some dying musical fad. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

(NC gets up and begins heading for a door marked with an "exit" sign above it, but before he can open, he turns around and looks around dazed upon realizing that the Harlem Shake is starting. Suddenly, three costumed performers appear to do the Harlem Shake, but NC pulls out his gun and shoots them down)

NC: (angry) It was never funny to begin with! Stop it!

(He starts to continue to leave but he's interrupted)

Shot-down performer (off-screen) (Most likely Malcolm): The wall's the wrong color...

(NC shoots the off-screen performer again, making him yelp as NC opens the door and leaves closing it behind him. The credits roll, then we are shown a blooper of "Russel Crowe" and "Shakira" performing but they break down in a fit of laughter)

Channel Awesome Tagline: King: Who, who, who?

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