Announcer:
And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2."
(Cut to a blank shot before Chester pops up on-screen)
Chester:
WOW! Oh, wow! Whew! Oh, that is the greatest high I've ever been on in my life! Sorry, I just combined two of the greatest elements ever: crystal meth and ecstasy. I call it "crystal meth-tasy." And I have been on the GREATEST HIGH EVER! Oh my God, the whole summer I was out, man! Did I miss anything? ...Oh, really? Some of the highest grossing movies of all time. Huh. Well... That sucks! I guess we should probably do a more underground, independant project. Let's talk about "Hunger Games 5!"
(Yellow text on-screen as he speaks) SPIDERS! Oh, sorry, I'm still coming off of that high. (Text changes to SPOILERS)
There's this girl named Katniss.
And she's upset because her boyfriend is crazy!
Well, that's most celebrity couples.
But that won't stop her from taking on an unfair world that doesn't treat her properly!
And she's using the power of her celebrity to change our unfair ways!
Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I'm confusing her for Jennifer Lawrence.
Katniss is taking on an unfair world!
And she's using the power of her celebrity to change our unfair ways!
Seriously though, I'm a bum, but if we were on the same set, I'd get paid more than her.
Hey, we should feel lucky she has her own action figure.
So they tell Katniss that they have to rally all the people together.
So they get all the winners of the other Hunger Games together--
Like in every other movie.
--and they send them out to destroy the capital!
And Katniss is like, "Hey, aren't you that person that just got married?"
"Yes, I am, and we're gonna spend our honeymoon in the capital after we take it over."
"You are so dead."
(Sadly) "I know."
But it turns out the city is littered with booby traps from "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
But it's okay, because her crazy boyfriend is there!
Wait, what?
(Rocking back and forth) "I'm a total liability, and I'm gonna kill you all."
"If you get out of line, I'm gonna kill you."
"I'm promising you I'm gonna get out of line. You should kill me."
"Don't tempt me!"
"I am tempting you. Kill me."
"I am emotionally compromised by this."
"Which is why you should totally kill me."
"Ha! I just figured out that you are here to sabotage me!"
"Again, why the killing me thing is a good idea."
"Well, I won't be had in this way. I'll be had in a completely different way!"
(Pointing fingers like gun) "I have a gun now, and I'm gonna try and kill you." (Fires, causing "Katniss" to duck and yelp)
"Now do you believe me?"
"You watch it, mister! I'm only gonna give you five more chances!" (Leaves)
"I'm starting to wonder who's more crazy here."
But the soldiers convince Snow that Katniss is dead! (pauses) ...Again.
And again.
And again.
And anyone realize she dies about as well as a "Lord of the Rings" character?
So they go underground in the sewers so they're not seen.
But what horrifying creation comes after them?
Well, in the first film, it was giant dogs.
The second film, giant baboons.
What other computer-generated, really not scary thing can we throw at them?
Giant CG eyeless people!
Who Katniss defeats just by (holds up hand) putting her hand on one of their faces.
(Pushes against hand while making dog-like eating noises)
"I really can't believe this is working."
"It's okay! I'll break his neck!" (Breaks neck)
"We can break their necks? Really?"
"Ha! It's nowhere near as frightening as that giant bunch of black goo!"
"Yeahhh. What did the black goo do again?"
"It's black goo! I don't know - it's just black goo! It does black gooey stuff!"
"Oh, by the way, the guy that got married died."
"Well, duh. He was dead the minute he said 'I do.'"
So Snow offers all the refugees a place to be safe.
But it's okay, because bombs come and blow 'em all up! (Stares) ...WOW!
No, really, whatever your political leaning is, just the time this is coming out and everything just is...WOW!
I, ah, I need to go into the uncomfortable corner.
(Cut to same corner NC went to and sucks his thumb as dramatic music plays)
And so the giant battle, the giant climax, the big moment that all these movies have been building up to...totally doesn't happen!
Yeah, it turns out Maude from "The Big Lebowski" - she was the bad guy.
In fact, Katniss actually kills her instead of Snow.
Really?? ...Really??
(Starts talking to himself) No, you don't understand. Storywise, this makes a lot more sense!
I-I-I know. It's just that--
She has to choose between her own revenge and what's best for the world!
I mean, yeah, yeah. It's just that--
It's proof that all the heroic propaganda they've been pushing in the movie rarely has the ending you'd expect!
Yeah, but... All the advertising, all the movies: "I'm gonna kill Snow. I'm gonna kill Snow." and... Really??
She goes after the chick nobody remembers in "Lost World"?
Do you want reality or not?!
Obviously not. I was high most of the summer.
Well, it's okay, because we get the unbelievably realistic ending that nothing happens to her, she goes home, has a family, nobody ever comes after her, and her crazy boyfriend is just suddenly not crazy.
Ohhh, you did the "fanfiction last chapter of 'Harry Potter'" route.
She has nightmares! That's not totally happy!
I think this is a very clear example of not having your cake but eating it too.
That's Hollywood, baby!
The End!
And so ends the Orwellian young adult book series that gave birth to every other Orwellian young adult book series.
Seriously, you could combine them all together and have "The Divergent Hunger Maze Runner!"
But at least it had the future coolest character from "The Force Awakens."
For about five seconds-- Yeah, why was she in there?
Those twin girls made more sense!
You know, because every book series for young people now have to have twins for some reason.
Or maybe I was just seeing double. That was an awfully long high.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'm living the Hunger Games every day of my life! Though I am learning how to do my own photosynthethesis.