And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Hunger Games."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(He unfolds a piece of paper and flips it, showing it says "SPOILERS") Spoilers!
There's this girl who-- What a minute, this is the review of "The Hunger Games," right? Let's do it right! (Camera starts shaking for duration of review) That's more like it!
There's this girl who has a sister who's gonna be thrown into the Hunger Games.
The Hunger Games? That's what I play every day!
But then her sister Cat Piss is like, "I volunteer in her place!"
"Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?"
"Hunger Games is a cooking show, right?"
"No, it's a tournament where children kill children."
"Should I leave my spatula then?"
"Get in there!"
So Cat Piss comes across this boy who was also chosen.
And the boy is like, "Would it be bad if I said I had the hots for you?"
"Well, I'm gonna die in a few days, so girl you fine!" (gets slapped) "So worth it!" (gets slapped again)
So the Hunger Games is sort of like American Idol.
Except they're killing people instead of killing your brain cells.
And they're given a mentor played by Woody Harrelson!
"I'm drunk, you're dead, we have nothin' to discuss."
"You're a jerk!"
"I like you."
So Woody Harrelson teaches them how to be good celebrities.
Hey, here's a good start: Make Zombieland 2!
But then, when the actual Hunger Games start, everybody in the audience was just getting sick.
Oh, not because of the goriness of children killing children, but because the camera was shaking so much!
(Makes fighting noises while the camera shakes wildly)
Did I mention I saw this on IMAX?
So a bunch of the kids get together and form an alliance.
"Dude, we're totally gonna kill each other later!"
"Which is why I'm becoming good friends with you!"
"I suppose I could do something smart like slit your throats in the middle of the night while you sleep!"
"No, really, I'm gonna slit your throat in the middle of the night while you sleep."
"Yeaahhh! This game is awesome!"
"I think it's starting to sink in just how barbaric this all is."
"It's okay! Just imagine you watched 'Transformers 3' and all hope of caring for your fellow man will disappear and will be replaced with testosterone-filled mindlessness!"
So the boy that really liked Cat Piss joins their alliance.
And Cat Piss is like, "Why are you chasing me up a tree?"
"It's okay. I'm saving your life by joining their alliance!"
"Don't they know better than to trust the boy who clearly announced to the world that he loves me?"
"Well, they just watched 'Transformers 3', so..."
But this little girl named Rue starts to help Cat Piss out.
And Cat Piss is like, "Aren't you the most adorable thing?"
"I'm dead, aren't I?"
"Yes you are." (dies)
And all the world is upset that Rue is dead!
After all these years of watching kids constantly get killed, we've finally had enough!
True, it's taken the 12,000th kid to make it happen, but ohh, now we're angry!
So some of the districts start rising up and getting really mad.
So the Hunger Games are like, (through mic) "Okay, it's totally cool if two of you win instead of one."
"Could he possibly mean me and the blond boy?"
"Especially Cat Piss and the blond boy."
"Cool! Hey, blond boy, let's kill that one jerk-off who's still around!"
"Okay. There he is!" (kills guy)
"Hooray! Now you have to let us go."
"We suddenly changed our minds again. Kill each other."
"Screw that! We're gonna eat these poisonous berries so that way you will have no winner!" (goes to eat)
"Wait!" (stops, long pause) "...You passed the 'eating poisonous berries thus totally screwing us over' test. You win."
"Yeah, hooray, I'm so dead."
So the Hunger Games seem to be over, and Cat Piss and the blond boy go home.
But the guy in charge of everything is like, "I'm gonna go find a sequel!" (He walks off...and runs into the wall) "Ow."
I have to say, this movie was a really exciting movie.
I never knew killing children could be such an exciting sport!
It's sort of like the game I invented called Rat Fighting!
A bunch of rats fight each other, and the winner doesn't get eaten by me.
There is yet to be a winner.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll help make the next movie! Hey, if a bunch of people decide not to make the film, does that make it a hunger strike?