And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
"Ash nazg gimba-" SPOILERS!
There's this little guy named Bilbo Baggins.
You know, he's the guy Leonard Nimoy sings about all the time.
Ask your parents about that one.
And he's asked to go on a prequel with the most the most stereotypical wizard you have ever seen in your life.
To help a bunch of dwarves get their city back.
And their names are Glory, Pory, Golin, Polin, Ackah, Kackah, Backah, Shacka, Sneezy, Dopey, Smokey, Cokey...
Oh, and then there's also the fat barbarian who drinks too much.
You know, there's only like one in the group.
So they're off to roam Middle-earth, which I'm assuming is in between Beginning-earth and After-earth, to defeat this evil dragon who apparently has taken away their city and all their gold!
Because...dragons have a real love of dwarf cities and a bunch of gold...
What the heck is a dragon gonna do with gold, anyway? Does he just need bling?
Is he trying to be Puff the Magic Daddy?
Oh, I'm sorry, P. Dragon.
So the wizard decides to bring Bilbo for reasons that are never really explained.
He's going to be a burgler, even though they never said he could burgle anything.
But he has a good heart, which apparently a lot of the other dwarves seem to have good hearts too.
But the dragon won't know his stench, which of course he probably won't know the stench of another dragon; he could probably just talk to them, or an eagle-- Hey, where did the eagles ever go?
Wouldn't like half of these movies be over if they just used the eagles more?
But oh no, the eagles would never make it far enough to complete the mission-- They make it pretty far in all these movies!
They always go to the most dangerous areas in all the land and they seem to turn out okay!
Maybe their music is too annoyingly '70s.
So even though Bilbo doesn't want to go on the quest, he suddenly decides he does.
"I want to go on your quest!"
(pauses) "I don't really know, but nobody can pronounce your names, and so mine is more marketable."
"Crap, he has a point!"
But things get really scary when they come across three giant Shreks.
And the Shreks are like, "We have to eat them first before the sun comes up!"
"Why is that?"
"Because then we turn into stone."
"Hey, that's cool. Disney should make a cartoon out of that!"
"Well, I'm sure that'd be great until the last season." (gets turned into stone)
So the sun comes up and turns 'em into stone!
Which again is odd: Weren't there trolls in the daylight in the other movie?
But they still have to be careful because they come across an evil, white, sausage orc!
And they ride their giant werewolves that actually look worse than the ones from Twilight! (is booed) I'm sorry, but they do!
(still booed, crosses self) Okay, thou shall never mention Tolkien and Twilight in the same sentence again.
Hey, you think Edward's skin is made out of mythril? (He ducks as a grenade is thrown and explodes)
So they come across a bunch of cameos from the other movies.
And their main job is to be like, "All the stuff you saw in the other movies is going to happen!"
But then Bilbo is like, "I'm going home."
"Oh, of course you are. There's only two more of these movies left, and we're gonna do it without ya."
"Well, you did the last one without Christopher Lee."
"Eh, go outwit Gollum!"
"That anorexic Mr. Bean who sounds like Donald Duck."
(imitating Gollum) "Hello! I'm looking for the most precious thing in the world to me!"
"Well, if it's so precious, how did you lose it?"
"It fell out of the pocket of my loincloth!"
"You had time to give your loincloth pockets?"
"The precious is great at minimal sewing!"
"Well, I'll tell you where it is if you show me the way out of here!"
"Okay, it's over there."
"Very good. By the way, I have the ring." (leaves)
"What?! (is waved at) Well, that's the last time I ever trust a hobbit! Unless one of 'em happens to look like Elijah Wood. (singsong) He's creepily dreamy!"
So the dwarves and the wizard are fighting off all the goblins.
I fought off a bunch of goblins once!
I was never invited to a Halloween party again.
And the hobbit is like, "Well, we've established that I'm not going to leave you, so we can call this the end of Part 1. Oh wait, there's some orcs over there that clearly we should wait until Part 2 to fight. (mimics fighting and running) Ah, let's fight them and run away... Okay, now it's the end of Part 1!"
So, "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" was a really, really good movie.
Despite the fact that the other three books got a film apart, and this is the shortest one and somehow it gets three.
But I think Peter Jackson wanted to make sure that nothing was left out! Like that wood wizard that was never in the book.
That conversation with Saruman and Galadriel that was never in the book.
But hey, while they were at it, at least they didn't put in Tom Bombadil, the only character that everyone wanted to see in the Lord of the Rings movies and never got a chance to!
I'd much rather see that Fisher King wizard smoke his stick bug!
Say, that's not a bad idea. I know what I'm doing for Christmas!
This is Chester A. Bum saying LEMBAS BREAD?! Ya got lembas bread?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, lembas bread!
C'mon, three bites could fill your stomach! And when you're smoking a stick bug, that's a good appetizer!