The Haunting

The Haunting
Released	October 11, 2011
Running time	30:36
Previous review	The Tommyknockers
Next review	Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows
Link	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNAStfDbjxA

(The opening for Nostalgiaween 2011 plays out, featuring images of the Leprechaun from Leprechaun, Casper, Pennywise the Clown, Ernest P. Worrell and the Teddy Ruxpin doll. After the opening, we see NC looking off to the side, aggravated. After a moment, he turns to the camera)

NC: Okay, I'm just gonna level with you. I really fucking hate today's movie. A lot. Not because the movie itself sucks, although it DOES! But because it's a remake of one of the greatest ghost stories of all time, The Haunting.

(Scenes from the original movie are shown)

NC (vo): Directed by the world-renowned Robert Wise, this psychological and paranormal horror film played off the fact that you didn't know how much of the ghost story was real ghosts, and how much was in the head of our mentally tortured protagonist. You know films like Paranormal Activity, The Others, or even The Blair Witch Project, where the fear comes from what you don't see rather than what you do? This is the film that perfected that. And even if you don't find it scary, it's a brilliant character study and a Gothic story. It was a brilliant film back then and it's a brilliant film right now.

NC: So director Jan De Bont...you know, this fucker... (The poster of Twister is shown) ...came up one day and said, "What does that Robert Wise schmuck know?! He hasn't directed anything good! I mean, what does he have under his belt? Just (Poster montage of various Wise films) The Day the Earth Stood Still, Sound of Music, West Side Story, The Andromeda Strain, Sand Pebbles? What a hack! I directed this shit! (Posters of Speed 2 and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life are shown) So I can do it so much better. I know what's scary! I made a tornado growl!" (Cut to a scene from Twister with the tornado growling) "I'M THE MASTER OF FUCKING SUBTLETY!" So, as you can imagine, this was going to be an Old vs. New of the two Haunting movies. (A part of Old vs. New opening starts to play, until NC shoves it away) Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's totally pointless. There's no contest! The old wins!

(The caption "WINNER!" is placed over the original movie, then a few scenes from the remake are shown)

NC (vo): But I'd still like to go over the comparisons just so I can fucking stick it to this film!

NC: So I guess this is an...Oldish vs. Newish. (The Oldish Vs. Newish title card is shown with the old man and little boy looking confused) I don't want to waste any time. I wanna dive right into this pickle-cock! Let's take a look at The Haunting.

(The movie starts, showing Eleanor "Nell" Vance, an insomniac, who is being kicked out of her recently-passed mother's house after Eleanor's sister Jane and her husband Lou inherit the residence)

NC (vo): So the film starts out with a woman named Eleanor, played by Lili Taylor. To be fair, not a bad replacement for Julie Harris. She's being thrown out of her mother's apartment right after her mother passed away. As you can imagine, she's not too thrilled.

Eleanor: Do you understand that I have nowhere to go?

Jane: Lou and I are very busy and we could use someone to help us with the cleaning and the cooking...looking after Ritchie.

(Ritchie taps a cane against the wall)

Ritchie: (woodenly) Eleanor. Help me. I gotta pee. (giggles)

NC: Nice read there, kid. You could open Hamlet with that.

(Cut to a poster for "Hamlet, starring that little puke anus from The Haunting" "'Worse than Jake Lloyd.'-The New Yorker", with Ritchie's face over the Hamlet actor)

NC (vo; as Richie): To pee or not to pee. (giggles)

(Eleanor accepts an invitation to participate in an insomnia study by Dr. David Marrow, whose true purpose is to study the psychological response to fear, intending to expose his subjects to terror)

NC (vo): So seeing how she has no place to go, she comes across a want ad for a sleep study needing insomniacs. The experiment is run by Dr. Marrow. In the original, he was played by Richard Johnson. Here, he's played by Liam Neeson. Oh, good! The sound of his monotone voice would put any insomniac to sleep.

(The chairman speaks with Dr. Marrow over his planned experiment)

Chairman: As chairman of this department, I can't...

Marrow: Malcolm, I know you clinical guys don't like to ask these questions, but think about it. What is fear, anyway? It's a series of automatic responses to a given stimulus. The only problem with fear is that it has largely become inappropriate. Do sweaty palms help to talk to your boss? And yet we carry with us these primordial fear responses that do the opposite of what they were intended to do! So why is that?

Chairman: David, David, no one is saying that these aren't provocative questions.

NC: What...were the provocative questions?

Chairman: You're bringing your insomniacs to this house under false pretenses.

Marrow: Because the experiment needs a credible cover story. Calling it an insomnia study allows me to create a highly suggestive environment to investigate the dynamics of fear. You don't tell the rats they're actually in a maze, Malcolm! Come on!

(The chairman walks away, then fade to the next scene, showing Eleanor driving to Hill House, a secluded manor house in the Berkshires of western Massachusetts)

NC (vo): Oh. I guess that's it for winning him over. He must've really been sucked in by that stunning "Come on!" argument. I hear Professor Fonz got a lot of research done with his classic "AAAAAYYYYY!" debate. So everybody's off to the haunted house to partake in the sleep experiment. And this brings me to my first downgrade in the comparison. In this film, the doctor is tricking the subjects to come to the haunted house for some half-assed, not really explained very well experiment. In the original, HE JUST TELLS THEM THE TRUTH! They're there to study ghosts! That's much more interesting! Why fool them into thinking there's something else? It's just a time-waster. Are we supposed to be surprised like they are that the place is haunted? Everyone in the audience knows they're going to a haunted house. Fuck, IT'S CALLED THE HAUNTING! Did you really think you were going to fool us? Next you'll be telling me that Peter Rabbit is about a FUCKING TURTLE!

(As Eleanor approaches the front gate, one of the caretakers, Mr. Dudley [Bruce Dern], suddenly appears)

Mr. Dudley: What do you want?

NC (vo): So she meets Mr. Dudley, the caretaker.

Mr. Dudley: I'm Mr. Dudley, the caretaker.

NC (vo): And eventually comes across his wife, Mrs. Dudley, inside.

(Mrs. Dudley [Marian Seldes] opens a door in front of Eleanor holding a butcher knife)

Eleanor: Oh, my...I'm here with...

Mrs. Dudley: Dr. Marrow's group. You're the first.

NC (vo): Boy, those Dudleys really like to introduce themselves in the most threatening way possible. Jumping out at gates, swinging doors open while holding knives. How much you wanna bet their son greets people with a hockey mask and chainsaw?

Mrs. Dudley: We live in town. Nine miles, so there won't be anyone around if you need help.

NC (vo): While Mrs. Dudley isn't quite as creepy or awkward as the original, they do manage to handle her scenes okay. But then we get the entrance of our next guest: a woman named Theo, played by...

(Porn music starts, as we are shown Theo meeting and talking with Eleanor)

Theo (played by Catherine Zeta-Jones): Don't you love it here?

NC: (gasps) Oh, snap.

Theo: Oh, this is so twisted.

Belloq (from Raiders of the Lost Ark): Jones!

NC: Catherine Zeta-Jones!

Theo: Sort of Charles Foster Kane meets the Munsters or something.

(NC looks on dreamily, then a video of the original Theo, played by Claire Bloom, enters the frame)

NC: Oh, yeah, I guess I should compare and contrast. (clears throat) Uh, the original woman who played Theo did really good. She was fine... (shoves the video away, unable to take his eyes off the remake Theo)

NC (vo): Oh, that body. Oh, Zeta, Zeta, Zeta. Oh, legs, legs, legs! Oh, Jones, Jones, Jones!

(The video of the original Theo intrudes again, and NC snarls it away)

Theo: Oh, that sounds really nice.

NC: (looking lovestruck) I don't care if the last movie you did starred that schmuck from Gigli. (in a low, almost demonic, voice) ONE DAY, YOU WILL BE MINE!

NC (vo): Seriously, they're piling on the sexy big time with this character. I mean, going all out! Is there anything else they could do to possibly make her more attractive? (The caption "She's Bisexual" appears on the screen with a "TA-DA!" sound effect. A bomb goes off behind an ecstatic NC) Okay, so despite how hot that is, this does lead to another downgrade. (Scenes of Theo from the original are shown) Theo in the original film is hinted that she might, MIGHT, be a lesbian or bisexual. And the reason it's best they don't come out and just say it is because it adds to the tension between her and Eleanor. See, half of the movie, they're the only ones in a room together, and when the only person you can cuddle up with may or may not have the hots for you, it makes the scene a little bit more uncertain and therefore uncomfortable. There was also a possible subplot with Eleanor having a crush on the doctor and Theo having a crush on Eleanor. But again, it wasn't over-the-top, it was played pretty subtle. (Back to scenes from the remake) Subtlety in this film? (Scoffs) Fuck. I'm surprised they didn't just change her name to Liz Biehn, that's how friggin' obvious it is. Especially because...um, how do I say this...uh...the 90s didn't always write gay people very well. Not that the characters written weren't proud to be gay. No, no, far from it. It's that they announced it everywhere they went and to every person they meet.

(We see a quick montage of scenes from In Living Color, The Simpsons, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, and Will & Grace)

Jim Carrey: I'm gay!

Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche: We're lesbians!

Big Gay Al: (singing) I'm super, thanks for asking!

Jack (Sean Hayes): Kiss it...kiss it...spank it.

(Back to The Haunting)

NC (vo): So as you can imagine, Zeta-Jones in this movie is beyond blatant.

Theo: (various scenes) My boyfriend thinks so, my girlfriend doesn't. / It's hard when you're the only one at the party. / So, what about you? Any boyfriends? Girlfriends? / I could paint that portrait directly on you. (There are then scenes of Theo winking suggestively at Eleanor, and Theo trying to touch Eleanor) Just...little hair.

NC (vo): Maybe it was overcompensating for past prejudices, maybe the writers didn't know how to write for gay people back then. Or, most likely in Zeta-Jones' case, it's...

(The caption "FANSERVICE" appears onscreen as porn music starts again, followed by champagne cork popping and hitting an egg behind an ecstatic NC. Back to the movie, where we are introduced to a character named Luke, whom Theo and Eleanor bump into)

Theo: Oh!

NC (vo): Oh, we also have Owen Wilson as Luke, played in the original by Russ Tamblyn. This was right at the point when the world couldn't tell if they found him funny or annoying yet.

Luke: (to Theo) Wow, you're so dominant.

Theo: Thanks. (shakes his hand) Theo.

Luke: Hey, Theo. (smiles at her)

NC (vo; as Luke): Awkwardly undressing you with my imagination...done.

(Dr. Marrow and his two research assistants come into the house)

NC (vo): So Liam Neeson and...two extras...finally enter the house to get the experiment rolling.

(We see all the people in the house having dinner at the table)

Theo: The rest of you may hate your insomnia, but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. My mind's racing with creative ideas, and come 3 a.m....

NC: (smiles) Oh, I will! (Gets immediately slapped on the face, causing him to frown) I deserved that.

Theo: ...I feel like a genius!

(Cut to all the people in the living room, where Dr. Marrow relates the story of Hill House)

NC (vo): But Neeson tells them that this creepy, demonic-looking house of death might actually have a scary backstory to it.

Marrow: His name is Hugh Crain. Crain made a fortune on the backs of workers in his textile mills. Now this man could have anything he wanted, but what he wanted more than anything was a house filled with the laughter of children.

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm sure a guy who looks like this was a real big softie with children! (The painting of the sinister-looking Crain is shown) Come on, kids, we're going to Ebenezer Ahab's house! (The sound of children cheering is heard)

Marrow: But that's where the fairy tale ends. Hugh and Rene would have no children. They all died at birth. And a few years later, Rene, she passed away, and Crain became a total recluse. But he kept on building, adding room upon room. It's as if he was building a home for the family he would never have. But the townspeople said, that sometimes at night, they could hear sounds coming from the old house...sounds of children.

NC: (as Marrow) Well, good night! Let me know how the insomnia goes! (leaves)

Male Assistant: Christ, I need a drink.

Female Assistant: I think there's more to that story.

NC: Do tell, assistant who only had two lines before this scene.

Female Assistant: I can feel it. It's all around us. (The clavichord wire tightens itself) It's in the ceilings. It's in the walls. It's in this. (Runs her finger down the clavichord wires. The tightened wire snaps and whips her in the face) AH!

• A clavichord is a small keyboard instrument similar to a piano, but with blade-like objects called tangents instead of hammers, giving it a a softer, guitar-like tone.

NC (vo): Ha! That'll teach you to try have a part in this movie! (The two assistants are shown leaving the house) And just for that, you and the other guy who never said anything are being banished forever, never to return to this script again! (laughs evilly)

NC: Ah, seriously, though, a moment of silence for those totally pointless characters. (He lets his head down under pictures of the female assistant labeled "Don't Know" and the male assistant labeled "Don't Care". "R.I.P") Anyway...

(The four remaining occupants, Marrow, Eleanor, Theo and Luke, are all shown settling in for the night)

NC (vo): Everyone tries to go to sleep, thus beginning the experiment. Eleanor, Jones, Wilson, the doctor...wait a minute, why is he going to sleep?! He's supposed to be conducting the experiment, isn't he? Whether it's the insomnia study or the "fear" study, isn't he supposed to be around to witness it? Document it? You know, DOCTOR STUFF?!

(We see Eleanor combing her hair is shown as Theo watches)

Theo: I like the way you comb you hair like that.

NC (vo; as Theo): Did I mention that I was a lesbian?

Theo: Happy tossing and turning.

NC (vo); But many of them can't sleep and find themselves roaming H.R. Giger's wonderland.

(While walking through the house, Luke backs into Marrow, who has just come in, scaring Luke)

Luke: AH! GA...GOD! Oh, you scared the...

Marrow: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Luke: (panting heavily) Oh, you gotta be careful!

Marrow: You alright? I'm sorry.

Luke: (still panting heavily) Oh, no, no, no, you just don't jump out there...

Marrow: You alright?

Luke: (still panting heavily) Yeah, no, no, no.

NC (vo): Hey, calm down, guy! You just bumped into someone. You didn't perform an exorcism!

Luke: (still panting heavily) No, no, I just, I couldn't sleep. I was just...insomnia. You gotta be careful 'cause I...

Marrow: I wasn't, I was just...

Luke: (still panting heavily) No, no, I know. I'm sorry, it's just...oh...

NC (vo): Good God! Get over it, man! What, did you run a marathon before you came to the set?

(Eleanor and Theo are woken up by the door pounding)

Theo: Neil! What is it? Where is it coming from?

NC (vo): So Eleanor and Jones are woken up by a loud pounding in the night. And though it's not as good as the scene from the original, it does manage to follow the formula okay, I guess.

(The pounding of the door continues. After the door stops moving, there is a knocking and the sound of a door opening)

NC (vo; as Zuul): Oh, really? Hold on. (Footsteps are heard as he walks across the room) Zuul, motherfucker, Zuul. Okay, I'm going back to bed. Just leave the check on my door. (The door closes)

(Theo and Eleanor approach the door, where Luke is at)

Luke: Is everybody alright?

Theo: Luke? (opens door) What did you hear?

Luke: Theo, all I heard was you screaming, "Luke! Help me, please!"

Theo: I wasn't screaming for you.

NC (vo; as Theo): Maybe I didn't make it clear that I was a lesbian!

Luke: (looks around Theo and Eleanor's bedroom) I don't...I don't see anything. I don't hear anything. (Beat) Wow, I swear I got screwed on the old bedroom selection. Every room's like four times as big as mine.

NC: (as Luke) That was my button at the end of a scene to lighten up the tension. What did you think? Not very good, was it? (Beat) I'm Owen Wilson.

(As everyone has a midnight snack in the bathroom, Luke turns off the faucet of the sink, causing loud noises to erupt from the pipes)

Luke: Is that it? Is that what you heard?

Theo: Well, I did just take a bath. I mean, it could have been.

NC (vo): Now, that's not a bad idea: indicating that the sound they heard maybe wasn't supernatural but could be explained by everyday occurrences. That's actually pretty clever.

Marrow: Just blame it on the old plumbing then, huh? What else could it be?

NC (vo): All except for one tiny problem: WE SAW THE PIANO WIRE UNDO ITSELF AND ATTACK A PERSON! So why would we believe there's nothing supernatural there when you clearly showed us there was something supernatural there?! But, hey, don't worry. Even if that was the case, the very next scene shows clear as day that ghosts are real. So, yeah, that previous scene was completely useless.

• That was actually a clavichord, not a piano.

NC: Seriously, though, a moment of silence for that completely pointless scene. (He hangs his head under the picture of the scene, labeled "WTF, Man?". "R.I.P")

(In Eleanor's bedroom, a ghost appears and moves through the bed sheets)

NC (vo): Boy, the cotton textures on those sheets are looking a little fake-CGI-ish, aren't they?

(Eleanor sees the face of a ghost of a young child in the pillow next to her)

Ghost Child: Eleanor. Find us, Eleanor...

(A scene from Army of Darkness is shown)

Ash: Well, that's just what we call pillow talk, baby.

Ghost Child: Oh, Eleanor. Find us... (disappears)

NC (vo): And, for whatever reason, Eleanor has decided to NOT be scared by this. The knocking on the door? That was scary as shit. But a child's face with no eyes appearing on your pillow? Well, that's just enchanting! I'm sure you guys would have the exact same reaction.

(We see NC in his bed trying to sleep. A demon child's face appears in the pillow next to him and he screams until it disappears)

NC: ...Aw, that was adorable.

(The demon child's face appears in the pillow again and NC screams again. Scene goes to next morning. Luke looks at the carvings on a chair)

Luke: These carvings are really creepy.

NC (vo): Thank you, Owen Wilson. I'm so glad somebody's here to tell us what's supposed to be scary in this movie. Lord knows I never would have figured it out by just watching it.

Luke: I'll see how my old pal Theo's doing.

Eleanor: Doing or wearing?

Luke: Yeah, no kidding. Did you see what she had on yesterday? Wow. Yeah, I definitely got a soft spot for Theo.

NC: (smiles) But it won't stay soft for long! (Immediately gets slapped again) I deserved that, too.

NC (vo): But things get even more creepy...

NC: ...And I mean that as a figure of speech...

(Everyone discovers that a large portrait of Hugh Crain is vandalized with the words "Welcome Home Eleanor" written in blood)

NC (vo): ...when they see writing on the wall that says "Welcome home, Eleanor".

Theo: Is this one of your sick jokes, Luke?

Luke: What? You really think I wrote that?

Theo: You found it. You could have.

Eleanor: I wanna know right now who wrote this! Did you write this, Theo?

Theo: No, of course not! Maybe it was you! Maybe you like being the center of attention.

NC: (stunned) She be the center...SHE be the ce...HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT YOU'RE WEARING, LADY GAGA?!

Eleanor: Whoever wrote this...it's cruel.

Luke: I didn't do it.

NC (vo; sighs): Have you ever noticed that Wilson's only job in this story is stating the painfully obvious?

Luke: (various scenes) I didn't do it. / These carvings are really creepy. / I just think Dr. Marrow's up to something. / I definitely got a soft spot for Theo.

NC: (as Luke) Spinach is green! I'm just throwin' that out there!

(Outside the house's garden, Eleanor talks with Dr. Marrow)

Eleanor: You know, all my life, I've been waiting for an adventure, and I thought it would never happen to me. And here I am. The paintings are calling out to me, the strange noises in the night, and all it cost was five gallons of gas.

NC (vo): Boy, she sure calmed down from that whole "Who the fuck painted my name on the wall?" thing, didn't she? (Eleanor hums as she looks at statues of children) In fact, that's another downgrade. (Scenes from the original are shown) In the original story, her falling in love with the house is, well, creepy, as it should be! It's just another journey into her psychotic mind, surrendering to the madness and giving in to her own demented psyche. (Scenes from the remake are shown as NC speaks in a cutesy voice) Here, it's a comforting scene! Oh, she's so happy and charmed! It's just beautiful! (Laughs girlishly)

Eleanor: Adventures are for soldiers, or for the women the bullfighters fall in love with.

NC (vo): I'm sure glad they took out all the scariness from that subplot. Oh, but don't worry. When the actual creepy scenes pop up... (Mimics Luke) ...Owen Wilson will be there to let us know.

Luke: Really creepy.

Eleanor: (to the door) Okay. I'm listening.

NC (vo): So since Eleanor has decided to WHIMSICALLY give in to what the house has to say, she finds that not all the ghosts are evil! Some of them are actually playful! Delightful, even!

(In the bedroom, as Eleanor braids her hair, a ghost tries to braid Eleanor's hair)

NC (vo; as Eleanor): No! You will not give me Leia's buns of fun!

(Eleanor looks around her bedroom a bit)

NC (vo): So unless the message was "Go on Queer Curl for the Straight Girl", she has no idea what the ghosts are telling her. However, she does hear some more voices leading her to under the fireplace. (The next day, Eleanor finds a skull in the dust under the fireplace) Oh, God! They found Jeff Dunham's lost dead terrorist puppet.

(The skeleton rises out of the dust and scares Eleanor as a sound clip from Achmed, Jeff Dunham's skeleton/dead terrorist puppet, is heard)

Achmed: SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

Eleanor: (running toward a door in a different hallway) That's where you are! Okay, I'll let you out!

(As she attempts to open the door, Eleanor suddenly gets pushed away by a giant hand reaching out the door)

NC (vo): And these are the scares we have to look forward to from now on, folks! CGI about as scary as the Wallmaster Hands from The Legend Of Zelda. Did that scare you at all? Well, get ready! There's a fuckload more of it!

Luke: Really creepy.

(Eleanor meets up with Dr. Marrow and the others)

Eleanor: He killed them.

Marrow: What?

Eleanor: The children from the mills. He wanted to build a house with the sounds of children. He took them from his mills and he brought them here. But he wouldn't let them go.

NC (vo): But Neeson realizes that his experiment has gone too far. He swallows his pride and confesses that the whole thing was just a hoax.

Marrow: Let me explain what's happening. You're participating in a study on group fear and hysteria. But it's over, I'm pulling the plug. (to Eleanor) None of this is real.

Eleanor: Oh, but it's real!

NC (vo): Yeah, who would've thought that people would actually be scared in an experiment about fear taking place in a haunted house? What was he even studying, the fact that if you tell people frightening stories, they get...frightened? You need an extreme setup like this to tell you that?! And how the hell is he studying them?! You never saw any equipment or scientific technology! And obviously, he can't ask them how scared they were or else that would give everything away. This has gotta be the worst friggin' scientist ever!

(A scene from Ghostbusters is shown)

Dean Yeager: Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable. You are a poor scientist.

NC (vo): So just as they put Eleanor to bed to try and calm her down, the Flying Spaghetti Monster comes in to try and cause more trouble. (In Eleanor's bedroom, the frames above the doors rise to reveal cartoon-like eyes) Well, it's official: The house has turned into a cartoon.

(A cartoony mouth appears below the eyes)

NC (vo; speaking in a cartoony voice as the house): I'm gonna kill you, Eleanor! Heeheeheehee!

Eleanor: God, it's looking toward me. (She is suddenly thrown out of bed, screaming, but quickly gets back up) Oh, who was holding my hand?

NC: What's that? You're wondering what the hell that line has to do with anything?

Eleanor: Oh, who was holding my hand?

NC: Well, again, let's go back to the original.

(Scenes from the original are shown)

NC (vo): You see, they built up this big, scary scene that Theo was next to Eleanor comforting her, supposedly holding her hand. When in reality, they discover that once they turned on the light, nobody was holding her hand at all.

Original Eleanor: Whose hand was I holding?

NC (vo): Now, naturally, this scene lasted roughly four to five minutes, building up the suspense and tension. (Scenes from the remake are shown) In this film, it's one friggin' line.

Eleanor: Oh, who was holding my hand?

NC (vo): What do you mean, who was holding your hand?! When did you ever indicate someone was holding your hand?! Did someone grab it when she was shoved out of bed? Is that it? Well, that's really fucking poorly handled, you schmucks! JUST BECAUSE YOU STEAL A SCARY LINE FROM A MOVIE DOESN'T MAKE IT AUTOMATICALLY SCARY!! IT'S CALLED ATMOSPHERE, AND GIVING A CRAP!!

NC: GOD! I could write a book about how shitty this remake is! Actually, I did! It's called How Shitty This Remake Is! (A book cover shows up on-screen, entitled How Shitty This Remake Is by The Nostalgia Critic) It's a pretty easy read. All it contains are the words "This Movie Sucks! This Movie Sucks! This Movie Sucks!" (A page from Chapter 1 of the aforementioned book shows up onscreen, saying "This movie sucks!" repeatedly)

(Crain's ghost face appears outside a glass window, as more children's voices are heard)

Eleanor: No! I will not let you hurt a child! (Throws a vase at the window only for the glass to shatter at her, with a cartoon sound effect playing in the background)

NC (vo): So as she tries to run through the possessed Cheesecake Factory, she suddenly comes across the good ghosts. And is it me, or are they just looking sillier?

Ghost Child: (passing through Eleanor) Help us, Eleanor. Help us.

(Casper passes through, with a sinister-like expression on his face)

Casper: Tiiiiimiiiiiing...

Eleanor: What are you trying to tell me? What do you want me to do?

NC (vo): So she runs up a staircase where Liam Neeson tries to chase her down and talk some sense into her.

(As Dr. Marrow attempts to reach Eleanor at the top of the staircase, the staircase starts to collapse under Marrow's weight)

Luke: The cable!

Theo: Look out!

Luke: It's not gonna hold your weight there! It's breaking apart!

NC (vo): THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! Again, it's like his only role! This guy would have a great job as the laughing sign for a studio audience.

(A scene from Will & Grace is shown)

Jack: FYI, I missed you, don't make a big deal out of it, just be happy a celebrity is talking to you. (The studio audience laughs)

NC: (as Luke) Laugh now! That was the funny part! That was the funny part! We're having a great time! A great time! I'm Owen Wilson.

Marrow: Come on. I want you to come down with me. Come over and step on the platform. Can you do that?

(Theo and Luke watch with concern)

NC (vo; as Luke): I don't know which W-sound face to make.

Marrow: (taking hold of Eleanor) Come on. Come on. We have to go. I won't leave you. I won't leave you.

NC (vo): So just as they save her and take her away, Neeson encounters his own...encounter.

(Marrow is standing in the garden, contemplating the results of his experiment and realizing he and the group need to leave the house soon)

Marrow: Jesus, I need to get them out of here.

(As Marrow is about to walk away, a giant statue's hand suddenly grabs him and pulls him into a pool)

NC (vo; as statue): Oh, no, you don't. You're gonna pay for Clash of the Titans. Say you're not doing the sequel. (as Marrow, underwater) NEVEEEEEER!

(Marrow escapes the pool, having realized the house is, in fact, haunted)

NC (vo): Well, at least Eleanor is safe in her room. (In her bedroom, on the contrary, Eleanor is attacked by hands from walls. The others take her out of the room) Just as things are getting crazier and crazier, Eleanor has a revelation that suddenly has everything make sense.

(Everyone hides out in a room, where Eleanor plays music from an old music-maker)

Eleanor: You see, this is the room where Carolyn had her baby before she ran away. And the children, they wanted me to see this so I would know this was my home.

Marrow: Oh, my God.

Eleanor: Yes. See, Carolyn was my great-great grandmother.

(NC puts his hands behind his head and slams his face on the desk)

NC: WHAT?!

Eleanor: And the children are my family. This is where I belong.

NC (vo): Okay. Maybe I missed something, but...this was made for adults, right? English-speaking adults?

Theo: Nell, the children are dead.

Eleanor: No. Not for him. He's still haunting them. But if I'm here, he can't harm them.

NC (vo): Why? What the fuck are you talking about?! You're four-foot-nothing! You have the strength of a lima bean with cancer! What suddenly turned you into Senior Ghostbuster?!

(The group are shown running through halls as several doors are closing)

Luke: Come on! Hurry!

(Sports music starts as NC speaks as a sportscaster)

NC: (sportscaster voice) And the film has been very, very bad, with horrible characters, ridiculous storylines. But, we have yet to experience the ultimate jumping the shark moment. I don't think it's going to happen here today...oh, wait a minute! (Luke is dragged across the hall by the carpet) Wait, wait, this could be it. The rug is dragging Owen Wilson to the fireplace. (Luke is flung into the fireplace) He's standing there clumsily. (Luke stands up) Could this be the jumping the shark moment we've been waiting for? (A gargoyle comes down on Luke) Yes...yes... (The gargoyle knocks Luke's head off as Theo screams in horror. The caption "SHARK JUMPED!" appears onscreen as NC excitedly throws some papers away) And they did it! They jumped the shark, ladies and gentlemen! Unbelievable! Not only have they pissed on the intelligence of the people who loved the original film, but they also pissed on the intelligence of the audience in general! (Takes off his glasses, wiping his eyes) Oh, my God! I have seen some shark jumping in my day, but that...that was total cockdick!

(The surviving group are shown still continuing to be attacked by the ghosts in the house)

NC (vo): And as you'd imagine, it only gets sillier and sillier. Don't believe me? Just watch it with this music.

(Scenes of all the ghosts in the movie are combined with the song "Grim Grinning Ghosts" from Disney's Haunted Mansion ride)

Ghosts: (singing) When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones quake, spooks come out for a swingin' wake. Happy haunts materialize, and begin to vocalize. Grim Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize!

(Hugh Crain's ghost finally appears and confronts Eleanor, Marrow and Theo)

NC (vo): So Eleanor decides it's finally time to square off against Wolverine's flatulence by giving probably one of the dumbest speeches ever uttered in any horror movie...that's meant to be taken seriously.

Eleanor: (to Crain's ghost) It's about family! It's always been about family! It's about Carolyn, and the children from the mills, so you could hear their voices, family! Well, I'm family, Grandpa! And I've come home! You go to Hell!

(Various other ghosts start to attack Crain's ghost)

NC: You know, out of morbid curiosity, let's just see how the other film has ended. (Reads a summary of the original) Oh, wow!

(Scenes from the original's ending are shown)

NC (vo): We're diving much more into Eleanor's psychosis. Her insecurities of belonging are finally getting the best of her, and it just may end up claiming her life, all while the darkness of both the house and her mind consume what little is left, leaving only the emptiness to live with.

(NC thinks for a moment, before he suddenly rips up the summary of the original, talking as an arrogant-sounding director. As he speaks, clips of the remake's climax are shown throughout)

NC: What moron wrote this?! Ha! Oh, clearly these idiots have no idea how to write an adult scary story. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write the one for GROWN-UPS, okay? Uh, let me see here. Um. Oh, I know! How about Crain was the mastermind the whole time?! And he turns into this giant evil monster! (Makes monster noises) And he makes all the scary faces! (Makes scary faces) And then, all the little Casper ghosts are like... (Speaks in a child voice) "OH, SAVE US! OH, SAVE US! HE'S GONNA KILL US, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ALREADY DEAD! AAAAAAAHHH!!" (normal) Oh, God, there are so many complex issues here. All right, and then, we're gonna see Eleanor literally – LITERALLY – defeat him with the power of love! Ha-ha! Oh, it's so inspired! It's so ingenious! Hey, I don't care if it was laughed off of the Disney Afternoon! I'M THE ADULT! I'M THE ADULT! I WRITE ADULT THINGS!! (Points to original summary) That...that's stupid! Stupid psychological issues! (Spits and then craps on the summary, as he starts to act like an over-the-top spoiled brat) YES! I'M THE ADULT! I WRITE THE ADULT THINGS!! YOU'RE DUMB! YOU'RE DUMB! THIS IS THE REAL STUFF!!! THIS IS THE REAL SCARY STUFF!! ROBERT WISE IS STUPID!!! HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING!!! I DON'T CARE IF HE MADE SOME OF THE MOST LIKEABLE MOVIES OF ALL TIME!! HE'S DUMB!!! HE'S A DOO-DOO HEAD!!! IF YOU TOOK POO AND ADDED EVEN MORE POO, THAT'D BE ROBERT WISE!!! HE'S DUMB!!! HE'S SO DUMB, YOU HAVE NO IDEA AT AAAAAAALLLLL!!!! LOVE ME!!!! LOVE ME AND DON'T LOVE THAT!!!! THIS IS STUPID!!! LOVE ME!!!! ME! LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME!!!! I'M THE GENIUS!!! I'M THE GROUNDBREAKING GENIUS!!!! ALALA!!! AYAYAYAYAYA!!! (Slowly calms down, regaining his sanity) ...Oh, my God, I lost my fucking mind there for a second! I was literally about to go out and impale Jan De Bont on a tether-ball pole. (pants) All right, um...back to the movie.

(Eleanor's standing up to Crain's ghost weakens him to the point where he is cast into a decorative bronze door depicting distressed children in a purgatory-like scene. Crain drags Nell with him, but the spirits release her and she dies in the process)

NC (vo): So the see-through wolfman is destroyed by, like I said before, THE POWER OF LOVE, and, for whatever reason, that claims Eleanor's life.

(The child ghosts float out of the house's carvings)

NC (vo; as the child ghosts): We're free! Our horribly rendered souls are free!

(Marrow and Theo, the two survivors, look at Eleanor's body)

NC (vo): And, of course, only Neeson and Jones are left to look over the horrible mess.

Theo: Oh, Nell... (kisses dead Eleanor on the cheek)

NC: (smiles) That counts as first base. (Stops a third slap) Hold on. Hold on. (Slaps himself in the head)

(After the child ghosts escape, a headless cartoon ghost of Luke appears)

Luke's ghost (voiced by NC): What the hell? You saved the people who were already dead and yet you left me like a chicken with his head cut off? Agh, fuck this shit, man. I'm going to do Ben Stiller movies. They're intentionally funny.

NC: And that's the remake of The Haunting. (Quivers in rage and raises his arms in the air, and then brings them down) I don't particularly care for it.

(Clips from the movie play out as NC speaks)

NC (vo): It's one of the worst remakes of all time, if not, THE worst. I mean, when you get down to it, what's The Haunting about?

Eleanor: It's about family!

NC: NO, IT'S NOT...! (instantly calms down) No, it's not.

(Clips resume showing, and we are also shown clips from the original as well)

NC (vo): It's about being scared, and I hate to break it to you, folks, but redemption isn't scary. The original is scary. There's no cartoon ghosts, dumbass subplots, or Disney-style good versus evil scenarios. It's just a ghost story, and a brilliant one at that. But, hell, let's remove that for a second and just look at this film on its own. It's still crap. The effects are laughable, the story is childish, and even its means of building suspense are totally backwards and nonsensical. It only gets worse every time I see it. It hurts me inside. I hope it burns in Hell like that black bloated Beethoven bitch bucket at the end!

Eleanor: It's about family!

NC (vo): Oh, shut up, you idiot!

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and not even a bisexual Catherine Zeta-Jones could save this movie. (Beat) Think about that!

(NC gets up and leaves, as the end credits play)

Channel Awesome Tagline: Luke: Really creepy.