The Haunted Mansion (W/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 3
Some Jerk With A Camera
May 20, 2016
The Haunted Mansion (W/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 2
Harry Potter At Universal Hollywood!
Announcer: Previously, on the Enraged Theme Park Jerk...
[Cut to Jerk in his room where he does State of the Parks videos]
Jerk: So, The Haunted Mansion movie came out in 2003 and since the Haunted Mansion is one of my all-time favorite rides, it might be expected that I review it, maybe make several long detailed videos about it with two other reviewers. But instead, I'm gonna do something a little different. I'm gonna make several long detailed videos about my refusal to review it, because I refuse to watch it. I already have watched it several times, but I still refuse to watch it. Don't thank me. I'm no hero. The trailer looked awful, the effects looked worse than Ghostbusters 2, and, worst of all, they just called it The Haunted Mansion as opposed to "Another Haunted Mansion" or "The Haunted Mansion: The Squeak-quel." Now, every time we refer to The Haunted Mansion ride, we legally have to call it "the 1969 Haunted Mansion ride without Eddie Murphy... Holiday." Now, it might be expected that I make several long detailed videos about how I refuse to review it, but I think that it would be a tad redundant and maybe even self-defeating. So instead, I'm gonna make several long detailed videos about how I refuse to make several long detailed videos about how I refuse to review it. And then, I'm gonna make several long detailed videos about how I refuse to make several long detailed videos about how I refuse to make several long detailed videos about how I refuse to make several long detailed videos about how I refu-- [A black card drops with a white caption that reads "#RACIST!" ] OH! COME ON!!
Announcer: And now back to The Haunted Mansion: Chip-wrecked...
[Cut to the film]
Jerk (vo): So, Milo Murphy and his damn wiener kids escape the zombies and bring the precious key back to Jen the Baptist.
Madame Leota: First, you must find the trunk.
Jim Evers: “Trunk”?
Jim: All you said I had to do was find this key! I got the key, now...now you telling me this story about a trunk?!
Leota: Look, I don’t make the rules, okay? I just work here.
[Cut to Jerk. Horror Guru and Count Jackula are noticeably absent.]
Jerk: [Pissed] Madame Leota’s a valley girl now! So, she’s basically Elvira, without Elvira’s two best attributes. That’s great, that’s just great. That’s way scarier than FUCKING MALEFICENT!!! [We then cut to footage of the Madame Leota, played by Eleanor Audley, from the ride.]
Orignal Madame Leota: Rap on a table, it's time to respond... Send us a message from somewhere beyond.
[Cut back to film Leota]
Leota: Okay? I just work here.
[Cut to Sleeping Beauty]
Maleficent: A disgrace to the forces of evil.
[We then lightning strike cut to the “real” Madame Leota, played by Tricketerbelle aka Haley Baker Callahan, in a wig and makeup]
Madame Leota/Tricksterbelle: Silence!
Jerk: [Surprised] Madame Leota?
Madame Leota/Tricksterbelle: I’ve had quite enough of you fools! This sorry excuse for a film broke the rules! / Joking, winking, speech without rhymes. I curse this foul flick for its damnable crimes! / I don’t “Just” work here; I’m more than mere scrap. I even stay for the holiday crap! / Swap me again for that slut bride of Chucky. I’ll summon the powers of hell, you feel lucky?
Jerk: Yes I do, can I keep you?
Madame Leota/Tricksterbelle: Jerk With A Camera, my eyes are up here! My chest, while spectacular, is nowhere near. / Now, I must leave, for elsewhere, I’m needed, Your fate shall be sealed, if my words are not heeded.
Jerk: [excited] Then I heard her exclaim when the dark spirits called…
Madame Leota/Tricksterbelle: My name is Leota, now [dark, creepy voice] suck on my ball!
[Her eyes turn red, fire rises from the bottom, and “666” appears for a second. Jerk is in shock by that awesomeness]
Jerk: Wow, did you guys see [Notices Guru and Jackula’s absence. He then calls them] Hey, where are you guys? [We then cut to…]
Count Jackula: Oh, we’re back at Castle Jackula. [Guru is bald again]
Jerk: WHAT?!?! WE HAVEN’T FINISHED THE MOVIE YET!
Jackula: WELL, STOP MAKING US WAIT SO LONG BETWEEN VIDEOS! WE’VE GOT SHIT TO DO!
Jerk: Well, congratulations, you just missed the big Madame Leota scene. NOW GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE!!
Horror Guru: [Feels his head] Ah, shit, I think I left my hair back in Disneyland. Plus, Is still kind of have a fast pass for Radiator Springs Racer. So, uh…[Shrugs and leaves]
Jackula: [Stammers] But…what the… WELL, FINE! HAVE FUN GOING OVER THE CLIFF WITH ALL THE OTHER LEMMINGS!
Guru: [Off screen] Will do!
Jerk [v/o]: So, even Eddie Murphy gets tired of Til-Leota “ball” shit and he makes her lead them directly to the trunk. [As Jim opens the trunk, we hear the audio of Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction]
Jules Winnfield [v/o]: We used to have shotguns for this kind of deal.
Guru [v/o]: He finds a letter that Elizabeth wrote to Gracey, promising her hand in marriage.
Emma: [Surprised] She didn’t kill herself.
Jerk [v/o]: Turns out, Zod [Ramsley]…well, let’s let him explain.
Ramsley: I am a rational man. It was my duty, sir, to see to it that the boy [Gracey] did not make a foolish error in judgment. Running away with that girl [Elizabeth] would have destroyed everything!
Guru: [Hair back on, thinks for a few seconds on what Ramsley said] Nope, still rooting for the bad guy. See what you’ve done, movie? [Cut back to Castle Jackula where Jackula is watching this on his phone] You’ve made me root for the racist butler! It’s Gone With The Wind all over again!
Jackula: [Annoyed] Jesus, these fuckers needs all the help they can get! [He then exits from frame to reunite with the other two. Cut back to the film as Ramsley hurts Jim.]
Michael Evers: LEAVE HIM ALONE!
Megan Evers: STOP IT!
[Ramsley then makes a gesture with his hand, causing a trunk behind the children to move towards them, tripping them into falling in and then closing on them.]
Jerk, Guru, and Jackula [v/o]: YES!
Jerk [v/o]: Won’t miss ‘em!
Ramsley: Let me show you out!
[He then grabs Jim by the neck and flies higher in the attic to throw Jim out the window as he is being thrown out, we then cut to a clip from Beverly Hills Cop, where Axel Foley (Also played by Murphy) has just been thrown through a glass window.]
Axel Foley: Hey!
Jackula [v/o]: Now, Zod has changed his mind and wants Gracey to have an interracial marriage, because that’ll break the curse over the mansion, if he falls in love before the last rose petal falls. [Cut to Jerk and Guru in the Beauty and the Beast’s ballroom in Disneyland]
Jerk: Nothing like a curse to speed up social progress. Maybe in a hundred years, North Carolina will be stuck in a curse that can only be lifted when they let a transgender ghost comfortably shit…or at least as [We cut to images of North Carolina Barbeque food] comfortably as any North Carolinian can shit.
Guru: Still more effective than hashtags.
Ramsley: [To Sara Evers] You haven’t put on your dress yet. We can’t keep the master waiting.
Jackula [v/o]: He did say, “master waiting”, right?
Guru [v/o]: She, of course, wants nothing to do with this. But Zod, who’s now a priest of a pagan cult...(because, fuck, yeah, I’d join a pagan cult with Terence Stamp as its priest!) ...forces her into it by threatening to murder her damn wiener kids. Ain’t love grand?
[We then cut to Jim, who decides to get back into the mansion by ramming his car through the green house window. He backs it up to get more force, but then starts again]
Jim/Stephen Krosecz [v/o]: What the…? A BANANA IN MY TAIL PIPE?! SERIOUSLY?!?! [Back to the wedding]
Ramsley: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God-
Jerk [v/o]: IT’S “ZOD!” HOW DO YOU MISPRONOUNCE YOUR OWN NAME?!
Ramsley: [As he puts the poison in the wine] You shall be joined together as one for all eternity. [As Sara is about to drink the poisoned wine] If anyone has any objections-
Jim: [Burst in through the doors with the kids] YEAH, I'VE GOT A FEW OBJECTIONS!
Jim/Stephen Krosecz [v/o]: WHO THE FUCK HIRED THE CATERERS?! THIS SALMON’S NASTY! [Jim and Sara then embrace each other]
Jim: Next time I say “We’re going to the lake,” we’re going to the lake.
Jerk: [Pissed, the goes sarcastic] Eddie Murphy’s entire character arc, ladies and gentlemen! [Applause is heard] Let’s give it a big ass hand!
Jerk [v/o]: This is where the "workaholic dad" trope becomes profoundly fucking pointless. When his wife confronted him on it eight minutes into the movie, he immediately course-corrected and proposed the family trip and he only took them on the detour to help the family’s real estate business, which (by the way) will need all the help they can get in a few short years! [i.e. the Bear Sterns disaster]
Jim: [Earlier in the film] No more than 20 minutes, 20 minutes tops.
Jerk [v/o]: It’s because he already wanted to spend more time with his damn wiener kids that he got them in this stupid mess. So, the only thing he’s learned from all this it to fear all business opportunities! 'Cause you never know when they might really be spooky ghosts who want to kidnap your kids, kill your wife and have a shotgun wedding in the afterlife!
Jerk: Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure that is the policy of Maker Studios. [We get a picture of the logo with the tag ”Hide Yo’ Kids, Hide Yo’ Wife”]
Guru [v/o]: So, Eddie Murphy shows Gracey the letter and they force the truth out of Zod.
Edward Gracey: Was love my mistake?!
Ramsley: YES!!! But what would you understand of sacrifice, duty, or honor? You loved her. Well, damn you! Damn you all to HELL!!!
Jackula [v/o]: Zod summons a shitload of flying, squealing Dementors...I want one of those, too. [They’re actually wraiths according to the Wikipedia plot summary] And finally, a DRAGON MADE OF [Sings] FIRE!!!!
[Cut back to the three reviewers. Jackula is frozen in awe]
Guru: I think he really is paralyzed this time.
Guru: [Turns back to us after a few seconds] So, anyway…
Guru [v/o]: Apparently, even Satan thinks racism is a dick move, because the fire dragon starts dragging Zod into Mount Doom and…I guess Eddie’s wife did drink the poison, 'cause she’s dying now and the loss of his wife gives him blue balls [The blue ghost ball goes into Sara] as the will-’o-wisp pops by to… impregnate her with a genie?
[We then get a circle of a clip of the Genie from Aladdin in Sara’s stomach]
Genie: Itty-bitty living space.
Jerk [v/o]: And then…[A bright light shines above the characters] Oh, God, this is going to piss me off, isn’t it? [The light is from a portal in the ceiling of clouds and a blue sky] Yep! Light shines down from heaven!
Guru [v/o]: Ha! I knew it! She was Elizabeth’s ghost the whole time! You both owe me 15 bucks!
Jerk [v/o]: We didn’t make that bet.
Guru [v/o]: 15 bucks! 15 bucks! 15 bucks! 15-
[The ghost ball possesses Sara and makes her float]
Megan: [Realizes] The ghost ball was Elizabeth!
Guru [v/o]: [In a mocking voice] Your mom was Elizabeth! [Normal voice] No, seriously, kid, your mom-
Sara Evers/Elizabeth: The truth had to be known for me to be released.
Guru [v/o]: Wha- wait, that stupid blue thing really was Elizabeth? So, the identical resemblance was just a wacky coincidence?!
Jerk [v/o]: Why is black Cinderella Jesus? [Sara, her wedding dress and hair style does look Cinderella like and she has her arms out like Jesus]
[Cut to Jerk and Guru in front of Haunted Mansion Holiday]
Guru: Why didn’t Elizabeth turn into a ghost like everyone else and who even put the stupid curse on the house?
Jerk: [Rubbing his forehead] I don’t know…this is making my head hurt. I’m gonna turn off my brain for a while and go ride Haunted Mansion. [He turns around to see the sign for “Haunted Mansion Holiday”] DAMN IT!
Jackula [v/o]: [Elizabeth’s ghost leaves Sara’s body] And Eddie Murphy’s wife comes back to life because, Disney decided to let both parents live for once.
Gracey: [holds up a scroll] Take this.
Jim: [Takes it] What is it?
Gracey: The deed to the house, it’s yours.
[Cut to a clip from Trading Places]
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah, you know what I like most about place, Randy? The Curtains. Man, look at the curtains [stuffs a box of cigars in his jacket pocket]! It’s beautiful the way I got this place set up!
Jackula: Oh, my God, Eddie Murphy being funny for five whole seconds! [Dramatically Sad] Don’t go away! You were funnier when you were homophobic! [Cries].
[Gracey is now standing next to the ghost of Elizabeth dressed similar to her painting. The two then turn into ghost balls, as do the other ghosts in the castle, and they all float to the sky as we hear Fred G. Sandford from Sandford and Son]
Fred G. Sandford [v/o]: You hear that, Elizabeth? I’m coming to join you!
Jerk: [pissed] Okay, let me get this straight. Um, you’re telling me that this haunted mansion (The Haunted Mansion, in fact) was only haunted in the first place because of some curse and…now that that curse is lifted, the ghosts are all free to ascend to heaven, and so they do? That right? I got that correct? Okay. I’d like to address the filmmakers directly, if I may? Uh, you guys are all clearly huge fans of the ride, you put way too much fan service into this movie to not be huge fans yourselves. So, as a fellow fan, I would feel remiss I didn’t inform you of a certain detail that you seem to have overlooked in your ceaseless quest for authenticity. You might want to sit down: this might blow your mind. But, um, you see, the 999 happy haunts... are... [screams so loud the entire screen shakes] HAPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
[Cut to footage of the ride]
Jerk [v/o]: THEY ENJOY HAUNTING GRACEY MANOR! THEY FIND IT DELIGHTFULLY UNLIVABLE, REMEMBER THAT?! WE, THE LIVING, ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT! And that’s a huge part of what makes the ride so fun and dare I say, kind of subversive, at least for Disney. It promises a chilling horrifying glimpse into the other side and then the other side unapologetically fucks with us and throws our primal fear of death itself right back in out stupid, stupid faces. [Cut back to the film] THIS, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A FUCKING KIRK CAMERON MOVIE!!!
Kirk Cameron/Jerk [v/o]: All the good souls climbed up the ladder to heaven to eat sky cake with Jesus and left the sinners and the Jews behind, the end. [Logo for Pure Flix pops up]
Jerk [v/o]: The Haunted Mansion has probably a bigger, stronger, and more devoted fanbase than any other ride on property. Fan films have been made about it, documentaries are being crowdfunded on it; dead people’s ashes have been scattered in it! They all get vacuumed up by maintenance, but it’s the thought that counts.
[Cut to footage of The Big Lebowski of Donny Kerabatsos’s funeral (He got cremated) green screened in from of a picture of the mansion. Cut back to footage of the film]
Jerk [v/o]: Did they really think any of this movie’s built-in audience wanted to see an Un-Haunted Mansion as a HAPPY ENDING? It’s be like if a Pirates movie end with Jack Sparrow quitting piracy and becoming an accountant, [Jerk the nsays in a whiny voice] “cause piracy’s bad and it hurts the poor rich people and stuff!” [Cut to the titles to Direct-to-video Disney Sequels] I mean, for god’s sake, this was right around the time Disney was sequel-izing absolutely everything even moderately successful. [Cut back tot the film] WHAT IF THIS WAS MODERATELY SUCCESSFUL?!?! HOW THE HELL DO YOU SEQUEL-IZE A HAUNTED MANSION MOVIE THAT’S NO LONGER HAUNTED!!!
[We then get a picture of the Mansion from the film with an “Evers & Evers Real Estate” Sign with the title “The Mansion. We then cut to Jerk, Guru, and Jackula’s turned grey and photoshopped as 3 singing busts, singing to the tune of “Grim Grinning Ghosts.”]
Singing Bust #1/Jerk: [Singing] When a nothing creaks / And a nothing quakes
Singing Busts #2 and 3/Jackula and Guru: [Singing] Nothing comes for a nothing wake!
Singing Bust #1/Jerk: Zero haunts materialize.
Singing Busts #2 and 3/Jackula and Guru: [Singing] And refuse to vocalize-
All 3 Singing Busts/All 3 Reviewers: [Singing] -jack-diddly shit will anti-socialize!
[As they sing the last part of “anti-socialize,” the three start to disappear from the screen from right to left. We cut back to the film]
Jackula [v/o]: Anyway, all the ghosts go to heaven, like the dogs they are, [Cut to footage of “Angels in the Outfield”] where god will force them to help baseball teams cheat for all eternity. The Fucking End! And, over the ending credits we get… [We hear Nelly’s “Iz U” playing] Nelly, sampling the theme from the People’s Court, because why stop randomly pulling decisions out of a hat now?!
Jackula: Allow me to demonstrate. [He takes off his top hat, which is filled with paper suggestions that Jerk takes out] Our movie is gonna be based on…
Jerk: [Reads] “Splash Mountain!”
Jerk: [Pulls out another piece of paper] “Dane Cook!”
Jerk: “Sir Ian McKellen!”
Jackula: Pick a director?
Jerk: “Tommy Wiseau!”
Jackula: Featuring the music of…
Jerk: “Soulja Boy!”
Jerk: ‘The theme from Cowboys of Moo Mesa!”
[The 2 then dance to a weird combination of Soulja Boy’s “Crank that” and the theme song to Cowboys Of Moo Mesa. Cut back to review. Orchestral music from the film plays.]
Jerk [v/o]: And that’s The Haunted Mansion movie, an infuriating, squandered opportunity with a [In a spooky voice] spooooky 13 [normal voice] percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s worse than The Country Bears [Which as a 30% rating], worse than Pixels [17%], worse than Batman v. Superman [27%], and it’s not even…[Realizes] Wait, hang on a second, stop the music. Show me the Batman one again? [Rotten Tomatoes review for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice pops up] Now, show me the Country Bears one.
[The Rotten Tomatoes review for Country Bears pops up. Jerk than laughs for about 40 seconds that Country Bears has a better score than Batman v Superman as the two reviews are shown side by side of each other.]
Jerk [v/o]: $400 million? [I’m guessing the box office results at the time] Pfft, splat! [Jerk laughs some more. He sighs and tries to get ahold of himself.] Sorry, sorry, where was I? [Poster for Haunted Mansion film pops up] Right, right. The critics hated this move, even more than that, and it’s not even really that bad! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not good either. But, there are quite a few things I genuinely love about it: The cinematography, the atmosphere, the costumes, the music, the zombie makeup. the production design is unbelievable, I love Terrence Stamp, I love the way the ghosts disappear and reappear, and I really love this scene!
[Cut to midway through the film. Gracey is telling Sara she’s Elizabeth in the ballroom as the ghosts of ball room dancers dance around them]
Gracey: Where we spent our last moments together, where we danced together for the last time before you…[resolves himself from getting too upset] before you killed yourself!
Jerk [v/o]: It’s the one time they use imagery from the ride to enhance the story and not just for pointless fan service to trick people like me into thinking we’re watching a real Haunted Mansion movie! The whole, stupid thing honestly feels like an apology for the first Pirates [Of the Caribbean] movie! Like, they were sure that weird PG-13, two and a half hour, swashbuckling epic starring a notoriously crazy man [Johnny Depp] talking like a notoriously crazier man [Keith Richards], that didn’t bail on its own genre at the end was probably gonna flop. So, they made extra sure their Haunted Mansion movie was nice and safe and formulaic and aggressively mediocre.
[Cut to Jerk in front of a painting at Disneyland of the Haunted Mansion.]
Jerk: And with a ride as glorious as this one [Points to the painting], mediocrity might be the greatest crime of all.
Guru [v/o]: What the hell does Eddie Murphy have to do with the Haunted Mansion? What does the Haunted Mansion have to do with Eddie Murphy? This unholy union changes neither answer from nothing. The ride was made by a company known for making children’s entertainment, trying to branch out into something a little darker and edgier. Eddie Murphy got famous by being raunchy and R-rated before giving up and doing kids movies. Combing them is like eating ice cream with mustard on it. The flavors fight for your attention and no one wins and it doesn’t help that Eddie Murphy was this neutered and bloodless. Even in his other Disney movie, he was at least the G-rated version of filthy.
[Cut to a clip from Mulan. Scene set up: Mulan is taking a swim in the river, but then her fellow soldiers, who think she’s a man, join her in the water]
Mushu: [Worried] There are a couple things I KNOW they’re bound to notice!
Guru [v/o]: Here, it feels like he’s just taking a role that Tim Allen passed on. If history has taught us anything, Axel Foley has no place in a theme park [He does so in Beverly Hill Cop 3].
[Cut to the three reviewers]
Jackula: Okay, I’m just gonna say it: This was Eddie Murphy’s worst movie choice, ever!
Jerk and Guru: What?!
Jerk [v/o]: Wait a minute, wait a minute, worse than these?
[Jerk and Guru point to the posters at the bottom of the screen for Holy Man, Dr. Dolittle 2, Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care, Norbit, Meet Dave, Imagine That, Tower Heist, and A Thousand Words.]
Jackula: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Way worse than any of those! Because, you did not go into any of these moves thinking they would be any good!
Jackula [v/o]: This movie had so much potential to be a really cool haunted house movie for kids. A Gothic horror gateway drug, like The Addams Family or ParaNorman or, yes, The Nightmare Before Christmas. But haunted house movies depend on nuance and subtlety…and Eddie Murphy is as subtle as a brick made of chainsaws! Everything that doesn’t work about this stems directly from him. His family is lame, their dialogue is boring and there’s not one good scene they don’t ruin less than a minute later!
Jackula: [Leans over to the camera] It’s like the director set the entire cast down and said…
[Cut to Guru as a director]
Director/Guru: Eddie, don’t be funny! Wife and damn wiener kids, don’t act well! Terrence Stamp-
Terrence Stamp/Jerk [v/o]: Bitch, kneel before Zod before I slap you!
Director/Guru: Roger that!
[He then uses his hands open his mouth and then kneels down. Cut back to the review]
Jackula [v/o]: This movie is like a burger with the perfect bun, perfect lettuce, perfect condiments, perfect cheese, perfect everything, but instead of an all-beef patty, Eddie Murphy drops his trousers and unleashes the SLOPPIEST of joes! [Cut to footage of Norbit with Norbit and Rasputia’s heads covered with “not” signs] A sewer can be avoided, but a turd on your dinner plate, not so much.
Jerk [v/o]: And by the way, if any of you out there want to complain that your favorite childhood ghost story is being ruined by perceived bad casting [Footage from the trailer for Ghostbusters 2016 is shown, then cuts back to Jim Evers] …y’all motherfuckers are lightweights.
[Cut to a clip from the film]
Jim: I tried, I failed!
Leota: The only true failure is when you stop trying.
[Cut to the three reviewers]
Jerk: For all its flaws, this film still looks amazing, and I agree, the franchise is in desperate need for a reboot. But, how would you improve on it visually?
[A picture of Guillermo del Toro to Beethoven’s Ode To Joy. All three reviewers are in awe and Jackula removes his hat in respect.]
Guru: Oh, that’s how.
Jerk [v/o]: Guillermo del FUCKING Toro, ladies and gentlemen. The acclaimed visionary filmmaker of Pan’s Labyrinth and Pacific Rim - and a huge Haunted Mansion fanboy in his own right - announced at Comic-Con a few years back that he’s writing, producing, and possibly directing an all-new Haunted Mansion movie.
[Cut to the Comic-Con Panel where he made the announcement]
Guillermo del Toro: [to the crowd of Hall-H] We are not returning Eddie Murphy’s calls. [The crowd cheers]
Jerk [v/o]: Unfortunately, that announcement was almost six years ago. The project’s been stuck in development hell for so long that Guillermo basically just went ahead and made a Haunted Mansion movie without Disney. But, as recently as last month [April 2016], he assured us that he’s still working on his Haunted Mansion movie with Disney with Ryan Gosling attached to star and my fingers remain crossed that it still gets made someday, if only to blow this inferior pretender out of public memory-
Jim: [At the beginning of the film] Forevers and evers! [Laughs]
[The three reviewers then shield their eyes again from Eddie Murphy’s smile]
The 3 reviewers: Ahh! Ahh!
Guru: [to Jerk] Stop cutting to that!
Jerk: Sorry, sorry. Anyway, Count Jackula, the Horror Guru, thank you so much for joining me!
Jackula: Oh, don’t worry, the pleasure is all yours!
Jerk: So, want to go to Universal Halloween Horror Nights?
Guru: It’s March!
Jerk: It's May and Disneyland celebrates Christmas at Halloween, Clearly, time has no meaning.
Jackula: Okay, well, how do we get out of here?
Guru: Yeah, how do we get out of here?
Jerk: [In a creepy tone] Well, of course, there’s always [In the tone of Ezra from the film] MY WAY!
[After a creepy filter goes over Jerk, we cut to him driving the two to Universal Hollywood. They’re all silent, listening to Nelly’s “Iz U,” with the volume down. We then cut to them at Universal Studios Hollywood for Halloween Horror Nights. The credits role to the end credit music for Full House as we see the three enjoy themselves.]
Guru: [Excited] Welcome to Halloween Horror Nights, man!
Jerk: I don’t expect to survive the night! Woopee!
[they encounter many monsters and ghouls in the park. They see a stand selling skulls]
Guru: [to Jackula] Are you comfortable with them just selling your uncles like this?
Jackula: Oh yeah, it’s family tradition. It’s where the fortune comes from.
[Cut to a fake News broadcast from the Purge Network (Some video they show at Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights) with journalist, Jill St. Stevens.]
Jill St. Stevens: It’s my pleasure to welcome you to Universal’s first annual Purge party!
Guru: [To the camera] Hey, stop looking at me like that!
Jerk: It’s the Purge, I don’t have to be nice to you! [To Jackula, who is shushing the camera] Are you plotting our murders yet? You’re plotting our murders, aren’t you?
[On the studio tram]
Guru: Favorite tram, then tram of terror!
Jerk: They’re affiliated with the Tower of Terror. Terror Tram goes from the parking lot to the… the…I don’t know, it’s all run bu ISIS.
[They then pass by a fake crashed plane as Jerk sings to the tune of “Let’s Fly a Kite” from Mary Poppins]
Let‘s go crash a plane!
Drive us all insane!
Let’s go crash a plane
And kill [The other two join in] everybody!
[We then cut to Jackula, smoking from the end of a hospital blood pouch that Jerk is holding up]
Jackula: [To Jerk] Sure you don’t want any?
Jerk: I’m good.
[They then continue through the park as the credits stop midway. They come across more monster walk around characters]
Killer Walk Around Person: We’re all gonna day!
[They come across a killer with a chainsaw]
Jerk: I’ll take all of you! [We then montage through a lot of scary stuff from the park. Jerk is now scared] I don’t know what anything! Up is down, black is white, YouTube comments are reasonable; [Yells] WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?
[We then cut to black as the credits and Full House end theme continues and then back to the three as Jerk has a heart attack [part of running gag], Jackula and Guru are unphased as we cut to the Geekvision and Channel Awesome logos as we then cut back to Jerk in his room, still doing his State Of The Parks video in the beginning]
Jerk: …videos about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos [He then holds up a hammer] about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos [He starts to wave the hammer] about how I refuse to to make several lone detailed videos…
[His hand with the hammer starts to whack him in the head as we cut back to Castle Jackula as Masked Slasher comes out of his room, all packed up]
Masked Slasher: Alright, guys, I’m all packed and ready to go to- [Cut to black as he groans. End video.]