The Haunted Mansion (w/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 2
Some Jerk With A Camera
April 29, 2016
The Walt Disney Family Museum
The Haunted Mansion (w/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 3
Announcer/Jerk [v/o]: "Previously on Some Jack with a Cutlass..."
Announcer Jerk [v/o]: "And now, Jerk's alive again because reasons!"
[Cut back to the film]
Jerk [v/o]: Naturally, it starts raining and the Murphys take shelter in this hodge-podge for rich weirdos.
[The Evers enter the mansion into the main entry room.]
Jim Evers: [Calls out to anyone in the mansion] Hello? We're the Evers.
[Count Jackula gasps.]
Jerk: [To Horror Guru] Is he okay?
Horror Guru: I've seen this before. It's a strain of Draculon brain disorder caused by a surplus of set and a shortage of movie.
Count Jackula: [Sad] Me want set! Me no have set! Movie have set! Movie bad!
Guru: He'll be fine as soon as the movie does something to deserve it's set more.
Jerk: Well, how the hell's that gonna happen?
Guru: Well, either Eddie Murphy goes all Jack Torrance on everyone or...
[In the main hallway, we see Ramsley, played by Terrence Stamp, make his way to the Evers to Phantom of the Opera-esque organ music.]
Guru: By the grace of Zod!
Jack: [Scared] OH MY GOD, HE'S GONNA BREAK THE WHITE HOUSE AT ME! [He Kneels.]
Jerk [v/o}: This is [a la Stamp] rrrrr-Ramsley the butler, played to delectable perfection by the great Terrence Stamp. Easily the best character of this movie and his presence, along with the amazing set design, only underlines how little Sir Edward Murphy belongs here. In his [Eddie Murphy] best movies, he always played the conman; the trickster; the slick, fast-talking badass who was always three steps ahead of everyone else. That's what he's good at! I just don't buy for an instant that Axel Foley wouldn't immediately realize this mansion is haunted.
[Cut to Eddie Murphy's stand up comedy special, "Delirious."]
Eddie Murphy: Why don't white people just leave the house when there's a ghost the house?
Jerk [v/o]: Gee, I don't know. WHAT'S YOU'RE EXCUSE?!?!
[Cut back to the film]
Jack [v/o]: Then we meet the master of the household, Edward Gracey.
Edward Gracey: [To the Evers] My grandfather spared no expense when he built this mansion.
Gracey/Jack [v/o]: Or the dinosaur park out back!
Jim: I'm Jim Evers of Evers and Evers Real Estate. Charmed to make your aqaintance!
[He extends his hand and smiles. The reviews scream.]
Jerk [v/o]: Not the teeth! NOT THE TEETH!
Jack [v/o]: NO! NO! NO! [We then cut to an angle of Gracey's reaction.] Oh, thank God, it's over.
Jerk [v/o]: [Sighs] Ok.
Jack [v/o]: It...it was tough.
[We cut back to an angle of Jim, still smiling.]
Jerk [v/o]: GOD!
Jack [v/o]: Fuck you, mother fucker! I'm gonna slap the Disney World right off your...
Jerk [v/o]: It's making me sterile!
Ramsley: [Seating the Evers at the dinner table] Normally, we would not have called you here so abruptly. But we had no other choice.
[Cut to Jerk and Jackula in front of Tim Burton-eque chairs and dinner table]
Jackula: NOW I WANT THOSE CHAIRS TOO! THOSE CHAIRS SHOULD BE SUPPORTING MY ASS! NOT THEIRS; MINE! [Starts jumping up and down] MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! [Repeats yelling “MINE!”]
Jerk: Yeah, only the best movies concentrate on the chairs than the people. [Jackula then hops around Jerk] We’ll get you one, Veruca.
Gracey: Tell me, Mr. Evers. Do you believe in ghosts?
[Cut to the 1984 Ghostbusters]
Winston Zedmore: If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
[Static cut back to the film]
Eddie Murphy/Stephan Krosecz [v/o]: Sorry, I get myself confused with Ernie Hudson a lot. No idea why. [We see lightining flash the Paramount Pictures logo briefly.]
- Originally, Eddie Murphy was going to play Winston in Ghostbusters, but he already signed a 5 picture deal with Paramount and could not do Ghostbusters until he did the 5.
Guru [v/o]: And the storm floods the road, forcing Pluto Nash [Jim] and family to spend the night.
[Jim leaves his bedroom and then turns around to be surprised by Ramsley]
Ramsley/Jerk [v/o]: You’re late for your mind head meeting.
Jackula [v/o]: Eventually, Eddie winds up in the library, surrounded by [His voice echoes as if he’s also in the big library] EVEN MORE AWESOME SHIT THAT I’D LOVE A THOUSAND TIMES MORE THAN HE EVER COULD!!!
[Cut back to Jerk and Jackula]
Jerk: You’re not gonna let this go anytime-
Jackula: [Jumping up and down again] MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
Jerk [v/o]: And the filmmakers start hedging their bets, reasoning that if Eddie Murphy just never stops talking, he’ll say something funny eventually!
Jim: [Sees a big painting of Gracey] That’s what I need to do over at my place. Get a big picture of myself on the living room wall!
Jackula [v/o]: Shut up.
Jim: All that stuff about…uh, ghosts. What, did he get, like a bad clam in his jambalaya one night?
Jackula [v/o]: Shut up!
Jim: You know, Ramsley, I was just wondering, you ever been to a tanning salon-
[Jerk, Guru, and Jackula then yell [v/o] “SHUT UP!””JUST SHUT UP!” and “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” several times as we see several scenes of Jim talking. We then get a minute-long montage of all sorts of characters shouting "Shut up/Shut the fuck up!", with clips from various movies, TV shows and other Internet shows. Those include: Shrek, the Hateful Eight, Reservoir Dogs, The Nice Guys, Back to the Future: Part II, Little Shop of Horrors, Walk the Moon's "Shut Up and Dance" music video, Mean Girls, Looney Tunes' Often an Orphan, The Godfather Part III, Tropic Thunder, Step Brothers, the 2004 remake of "The Ladykillers", The Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, Punch-Drunk Love, Circus of the Stars XVII, Futurama: "Attack of the Killer App", Monty Python and the Holy Grail, A Fish Called Wanda, the 1985 "Clue" movie, D.C. Cab, Finding Nemo, The Simpsons: "The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons", Punch-Drunk Love again, Mars Attacks, SNL's "Best of Eddie Murphy", Kindergarten Cop, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: "The Gang Gets Invincible", Rocko's Modern Life: "The Day of the Fleecko", American Beauty and Weird Al's interview with Eminem from Al-TV.]
Jim: Absolutely not, let me tell you something
Jerk [v/o]: FUCKING CHRIST, DEADPOOL DIDN’T TALK THIS MUCH!
Guru [v/o]: And while Eddie Murphy tragically fails to be killed by Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe, his damn wiener kids discover a magic, floating blue thingy (sure, why not).
[As we continue to see the floating, glowing ball, Jerk and Guru voice Merinda and her mother, Queen Elinor from Brave]
Merinda/Jerk [v/o]: Look, Mother; the will-o’-the-wisp will change me fate!
Queen Elinor/Guru [v/o]: What?
Merinda/Jerk [v/o]: You know, that thing from the mediocre Pixar move.
Elinor/Guru [v/o]: The Good Dinosaur?
Merinda/Jerk [v/o]: No, the other one.
Elinor/Guru [v/o]: Cars?
Merinda/Jerk [v/o]: No, the “other” other one.
Elinor/Guru [v/o]: Cars 2?
Merinda/Jerk [v/o]: I said “mediocre,” not a holocaust.
[The ball leads the kids to the attic, where they are found by Ezra, the footman of the mansion.]
Ezra: What are you doing up here? You're not supposed to be up here! This is unspeakable; UNSPEAKABLE!
[Cut to Jerk, Jackula, and Guru at a booth (All 3 are on the same side) for a 50s like restaurant in Disneyland]
Jerk: “Unspeakable,” yes, yes indeed, Wallace. Um, “Unthinkable,” almost, uh, “Unimaginable,” even. [Struggles] What is the word I’m looking for?
Jerk: No, not quite.
Jerk: No, no, no, I don’t think it means what I think it means…
[We then cut to footage of Wallace Shawn in Dinner with Andre, being dubbed over by Jerk]
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: Look, guys, I can tell you’re all big fans of my work, but that was one movie from almost 30 years ago-
Jerk: Say it.
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: That movie wasn’t even really my style of humor. I was mostly repeating how Rob Reiner said it-
Jerk, Guru, and Jackula: Say it!
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: [Concerned] You know, there’s a whole big world out there. Have any of you ever kissed a girl?
Jackula: Say it!
Guru: Say it!
Jerk: SAY IT!!! [Bangs his fists on the table.]
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: [Sighs] Inconceive-
Guru: With the lisp!
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: (with lisp) Inconceiveable.
Jerk, Guru, and Jackula: YAY!
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: NOW WILL YOU PLEASE RELASE THE HOSTAGES SO I CAN GO HOME?!
Jackula: [Pulls out 2 soda cups and places them on the table] “The battle of wits has begun!”
Wallace Shawn/Jerk [v/o]: Fuck you!
[Cut back to the film]
Guru: So, the ghost of Wallace Shawn’s Princess Bride character and his ghost wife hear Zod approaching and hide the damn wiener kids.
Emma: Children? What children?
Ramsley: The children she wasn’t supposed to bring, along with that brrrainless husband of hers. If I had to listen to another word from that insufferable fool, I think I would have burst!
Terence Stamp/Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, sorry I keep complaining about Eddie [Murphy]. Do let me know when the cameras start rrr-rolling, won’t you? [Silent for a few seconds, like he got a reply] What?
Jerk [v/o]: Meanwhile meanwhile, the insufferable fool himself wanders down the big, long hallway-o-fan service. Much abliged.
[Jim spots a door that looks like it’s breathing.]
Jim: Those must be termites. [door breathes again] Some big-ass termites.
[We then get the caption like a definition in an encyclopedia that says “big-ass” and “\|bi-gas\” and some things Jackula says]
Jackula: “Big-ass. Adjective. A phrase which improves any scene in a horror film.”
[We then cut to a clip from the film Scream]
Casey Baker: [answering the phone] Listen, asshole.
Ghostface/Guru [v/o]: No, you listen, you little bitch! You hang up on me again and I’ll gut you like a big-ass fish, understand?!
[Cut to a clip from Child’s Play 2]
Chucky/Jerk [v/o]: I’m turning human again! If I don’t get out of this big-ass suit, I’m screwed!
[Cut to a clip from Jaws]
Chief Martin Brody/Jackula [v/o]: You’re gonna need a bigger ass.
[Cut back to the film]
Jackula [v/o]: We then finally meet the voluptuous Jennifer Tily, playing…
Madame Leota: Voice to the spirits, whom do you seek?
Jackula: A disembodied head of the Wicked Witch of the West?
Guru: Maybe she only got wet from the neck down.
Jerk: You non-annual pass-holding philistines; that’s Madame Leota! Show some respect!
Jerk [v/o]: And holy shit, 40 minutes into this movie, for the first time a character is actually saying stuff from the ride!
Madame Leota: [chanting] Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween, awaken the spirits with your tambourine!
Guru [v/o]: She tells him there’s a curse on the house, spins him around the room, and then the concept of music [Some floating musical instruments] starts attacking him.
Musical Instrument/Guru [v/o]: Here’s for “Party All The Time,” motherfucker!
Jerk [v/o]: Meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile, Eddie Murphy’s wife or at least, the cardboard cut-out of her, shares several expository scenes with Gracey. Their chemistry is rather like a bottle of fine wine poured into a bucket of horse urine.
Gracey: Being a Gracey meant you were denied nothing; the world was yours!
Sara Evans: What happened here, Mr. Gracey?
Gracey: “She” did and he loved her more than life, itself.
Sara: How did she die, Mr. Gracey?
[Cut to Jackula and Guru as Gracey and Sara. Jackula is quoting Hamlet]
Gracey/Jackula: “To be or not to be?”
Sara/Guru: [Disintered] I don’t know
Gracey/Jackula: That is the question!
Sara/Guru: Questions are stupid.
Gracey/Jackula: Whether it is nobler in the mind-
Sara/Guru: What’s a mind?
Gracey/Jackula: -to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Sara/Guru: I like fortune, give me.
Gracey/Jackula: Or, whether to take up arms-
Sara/Guru: I said, “Give me!”
Jerk [v/o]: Turns out, Master Gracey is (surprise, surprise) a ghost and so are his servants and they’ve all been haunting this mansion since the 19th century. Gracey still pines for his star-crossed lover, Elizabeth, who looked exactly like Eddie Murphy’s wife and by the way, this all takes place in Louisiana.
[We then cut to Jerk, Guru, and Jackula by the Dumbo ride, looking at a Dumbo statue or test seat next to them.]
Jackula: Does this count as a room?
Guru [v/o]: 2 things. First of all: called it. Eddie Murphy’s wife is a ghost! Second, is Disney trying to pretend slavery never happened…again?
Jerk [v/o]: Technically…no, there’s a deleted scene on the DVD that says this:
[Cut to said deleted scene]
Emma: It’s been 122 years since…she died.
Jerk [v/o]: Assuming this was set in modern day , that means the back story happened after emancipation [which would be 1881 and emancipation was in 1863], thus, conveniently side-stepping the whole issue. So, this movie isn’t that rac-
Emma: It’s been 122 since the black spell fell over this house!
[Cut to Jerk in front of Splash Mountain, looking a little mad.]
Jerk: [to the ride] You’re not helping.
Jerk [v/o]: To be fair, they did make a big deal about how Gracey couldn’t marry Elizabeth back then. But even then, they kind of dance around it, saying they were from…
Jerk: …”Different worlds.” And, apparently, different percentages of a person.
Jerk [v/o]: I mean, come on, it’s Louisiana! The mansion was probably built to be the big house of a plantation and in all likelihood, at one point, Gracey was master of…more than just the house hold.
Gracey: She took her own life, poisoned.
Gracey/Jackula [v/o]: I can’t imagine why. I always gave her the loveliest of whippings.
Guru [v/o]: So wait, the rest of these ghosts are cursed to be confined to the mansion, but she [Sara, Guru’s thinks she’s really Elizabeth’s ghost] isn’t? Jesus, ever the afterlife is segregated!
Jackula: Maybe the Haunted Mansion is Candyland. [Guru mouths “What] Hear me out; Django kills a bunch kills a bunch of white people, they come back as ghosts, now they’re even whiter, they built this entire park around it, and that why they got the Suffix "-land"!
[We then cut to a clip from Django Unchained]
Django Freeman/Jerk [v/o]: How many haunts do you think live in this mansion, huh? 700? 800? 900? Maybe even 999? Every single word that comes out of Eddie Murphy’s mouth is nothing but horseshit. But I will tell you one thing: there is plenty of room for 1,000.
[He shoots as the blast goes to white then to footage of the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland.]
Jerk [v/o]: As a side note, isn’t it interesting that between the New Orleans Square [In a southern accent] Southern plantation [Normal voice] mansion in California and the Liberty Square colonial mansion in Florida, both sides of the Civil War have Haunted Mansions?
[Jerk looks at the Disneyland Haunted Mansion with the holiday overlay]
Jerk: And the North still wins.
[Cut back to the film, Jim is now getting caught up on the plot]
Jim: You’re telling me this guy is dead and the only reason we were brought here is because he’s trying to get jiggy with my wife?
[We then get another dictionary caption for Jiggy: “Jig*gy” and “\|jig'ē\” and then Jackula says some more captions.]
Jackula: “Jiggy. Adjective. Another phrase which improves any scene in a horror film.”
[Cut to a clip from Nightmare of Elm Street]
Girls doing jump rope/Jerk [v/o]: [Singing} 1, 2 / Freddy’s jiggy for you.
[Cut to Friday 13th, Guru is the music saying, ”jiggy,“ rather than “chchchahahah”. We then cut to Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. Danny Torrence has a vision as he hears his father, Jack, talking to his wife, Wendy]
Jack Torrence: I think we should discuss Danny.
[Danny sees his the elevator full of blood and the door that says “Yggij” rather than “redrum”]
Guru [v/o]: So, Leota cryptically informs Daddy Day-Scare here that to rescue his wife, he has to find a key for some reason.
Megan Evers: There’s only one problem. How do we get out of here?
Jim: Yeah, how do we get out of here?
Ezra: Well, there’s always…uh…[Happy, almost silly tone] my way!
Jerk: [Pissed] You know what? Forget it! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR LINES FROM THE RIDE IF YOU’RE GONNA BUTCHER THEM THAT BADLY!
[Cut to footage of the ride at the part with the stretching room]
Jerk [v/o]: Just think of how that line works in the ride: You’re trapped in the Stretching Room with no windows and no doors, and a creepy, disembodied voice is telling you that the only way out MIGHT BE DEATH!
Invisible Spirit [Paul Frees v/o]: [In a sinister voice] There’s always my way.
[We pan up to the ceiling, it gets dark, lighting flashes as we thought the ceiling the room above of someone being hung by a noose. We hears guests scream.]
Jerk [v/o]: People actually scream at this point more often than not; it’s that scary! Wallace Shawn is many things - all of them wonderful - but he’s not scary!
Ezra/Rex [From Toy Story, also played by Wallace Shawn. v/o]: I’m going for fearsome here, but I just don’t feel it! I think I’m just coming off as annoying.
Jerk: In fact, there’s only one actor less qualified to say that line and fortunately, Disney would put him in a beloved, Iconic attraction from the 60s- [Realizes] Oh god, they already did once.
[Cut back to Stretching room. We hear the invisible spirit, but he’s voiced by a parody of Gilbert Gottfried voiced by Luke Ski.]
Invisible Spirit/Gilbert Gottfried [Luke Ski v/o]: This chamber has no windows and doors, which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out that isn’t though a gift shop. Of course, there’s always my way, which is: get into the voice over industry and you can just sit in a booth and get money for doing a thing once.
Jackula [v/o]: So, they break out of the mansion in a thestral-drawn carriage-
Ezra: [Driving the carriage, wearing a top hat and goggles] Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing.
Jackula: [Takes off his sun glasses, shocked] Dad?
Emma: Move over!
Ezra: What are you doing?!
Emma: You keep driving, you’ll kill us all!
Ezra: Uh, well, that’s where you’re wrong!
Jackula: [Overdramatically Sad] Mom, dad, please stop all this fighting!
Jerk [v/o]: Then we see an elaborate tribute to the graveyard scene from the ride. And I do mean “elaborate”; the DVD has a whole 10-minute featurette about all the time and energy it took just to create this one scene.
Jerk: Now, what’s the quickest, easiest way to completely ruin it?
Michael Evers: [In shock] Dad?
Jim: Yes, son?
Michael: I see dead people.
Guru: See, a Shyamalan reference! I’m telling ya, she was a ghost the whole time!
Jerk: You’re sure it wasn’t just a stupid, meaningless Shyamalan reference?
Guru/Elliot Moore [v/o]: What? No!
[Jerk turns to him]
Jackula [v/o]: So, Eddie Murphy and his damn wiener kids have to get to a mausoleum and find this key when suddenly…
[Jim steps in poops or mud, which makes a sploosh sound]
Jim: Crap, these are my new shoes! Hey kids, watch your step.
[Another sploosh sound]
Guru [v/o]: The exact same sound effect, ladies and gentlemen! ‘Sploosh #39-C,” that’s where the sound department gave up! Next, they’ll thrown in a Wilhelm Scream and a [We then hear the Goofy scream].
Jackula [v/o]: Perfect metaphor for the movie, really. Everything’s all cool and spooky and then…[Sploosh sound] Eddie Murphy steps in it.
[The Evers soon come across singing head busts voiced by the at-the-time Dapper Dans singing an acapella version of "Grim Grinning Ghosts".]
Jerk: Hey look, it’s the Dapper Damned!
Jim: I’m trying to find the key-
Singing Busts: [singing] Where’s…the…key? / Where’s the key? / Where’s the beautiful key? / Find the key. / Find the key. / Oh, how happy you’ll be!
Jerk [v/o]: Annoying? Yes. But to be fair, it could have been much, much worse.
Jim: I’m trying to find my wife, right? I’ve got to find-
[The Singing Busts, Dubed over by Paul and Storm’s song Hop Shop which does some of Kelis’ Milkshake song. The bust then explode as we the chorus singers of Ray Parker Jr.’s Ghostbusters song. We see a picture of one of the singing busts with a “not” sign over him and the caption:]
Ghostbuster Chorus singers: [Sing] Bustbusters!
Guru [v/o]: So, with no help from Weird Al’s great grandparents, the Klumps find the mausoleum and get the key from a coffin, when suddenly…
[The corpse inside the coffin steps up.]
Jim: [Holding a torch, says quickly] Look, I don’t want no trouble, now. I just came here to get the key! They told me it was all right to get the key! [the zombies goes for Jim] Hey!
Jim/Stephan Krosecz [v/o]: [also says quickly] Wow, I seem to be in a fatal predicament. If only I had something in my hand I could use to get this zombie to go away: some sort of dangerous, yet controllable, fundamental element of the universe at my disposal. Preferably one that helped kick start the progress of mankind a millennia ago which helped my ancestors get their natural predators to get them to go away, that sure would be nice! If only I had something like that right now in my right hand at this very moment that I could use to my advantage by pushing this undead, possibly flesh eating, zombie face to get it to not attack me anymore. Well, that would be truly fantastic, cause I- [Realizes] Wait a minute, I do have a stick!
[Jim than uses the torch to knock the zombie’s head off. More zombies come out of the walls of the mausoleum and all are in practical effects and makeup. We then cut back to Jerk, Guru, and Jackula in front of the Little Mermaid ride.]
Jackula: I want that too!
Jerk: What, that zombie attack? You want those zombies to attack you?
Jackula: [Banging on Jerk’s head like Biff Tannen] Yes! Of course I do! Why else do you think I came to this planet?!
Jackula [v/o]: These zombies are masterpieces of Rick Baker's makeup design. They kind of look like the original Crypt Keeper from DC Comics. And they deserved A BETTER FUCKING MOVIE!!!
Guru: Jack, I don’t disagree with you, but you can’t just take home every zombie apocalypse.
Jerk: Yeah, you keep pointing at stuff you want, but you already live in a castle full of cool shit. I mean, what more could you possibly want?
[Jackula, depressed, sing to the music of “Part of Your World” the Little Mermaid as the camera zoom on him]
Jackula: [Sings] I want to be where the zombies are / I want to see them see them attack civilians. / Walking undead, eating…(what do you call it?} Oh yeah, you!
Jerk: [to Guru] Does he do this often?
Guru: Not since Wednesday.
Jackula: [Sings] Rick Baker touches up every scar! / I’d feel alive while I’d murder millions / Jumping from darkness, I’d…(what’s my line again?) [Jumps in front of Jerk and Guru] “Boo!”
[Jerk screams. We then cut back to the film. Jackula appears green screened in front of the clips]
Jackula: I want that set / I want that chair / I want that candelabra right there! / Ship it, I’ll buy / Sell it to my / Haunted Mansion!
[art of the actual ride is no behind Jackula]
Jackula: I’ll fill those rooms / With crypts and tombs / And desecrate them! / I will preserve / Dead people’s nerves / ‘til one stormy night!
Gracey owned slaves / Put them in graves / I’ll resurrect and black-sploitate them / Fight the powers / Whitey cowers / Under our might
Guru: CAN’T YOU DO ONE MUSICAL NUMBER WITHOUT TURNING IT INTO A RACE WAR?!?!
Jackula: I FOLLOW MY MUSE WHERE IT TAKES ME!
[Cut back to the end of part 1 of the "Full House" Disney World 2 parter, with the "To be continued..." caption. 'We then cut to the end credits where we get a few seconds of Jumpin’ Gene Simmons’ “Haunted House” before we cut to the rest of the credits over footage of the ride to 'Invisible Spirit/Gilbert Gottfried’s (played by Luke Ski) narration.]
Invisible Spirit/Gilbert Gottfried [Luke Ski v/o]: Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Mansion! I am your host, not Eddie Murphy. There’s no turning back now, because what are you gonna do? Come all the way to the entrance of the ride and the be, “Oh, I know! I’m gonna go ride Winnie the Pooh’s pointless circle of nothing”! No! You’re going to ride the ride!/There are several prominent ghosts who have retired here: John F. Kennedy’s here, uh…who else? We’ve got Ricardo Montlbán, uh…Larry King is here. Uh, he’s not dead yet, he’s taking measurements. /Do not pull down on the safety bar, please. I will lower it straight onto your nuts! Here’s a bar, right on your nuts, I lowered it, I’m a ghost, hi!/ We find it delightfully unlivable here in this ghostly retreat. What do you expect? It’s Florida! /The happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations from your cell phones as you’re texting people the whole time and NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE COOL STUFF WE”RE DOING? /DID YOU SEE THE HAT BOX GHOST? YOU DIDN’T, DID YOU? CAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY PLAYING WORDS WITH FRIENDS! Like you have friends. /Beware of hitchhiking ghosts! They will be entering your body through your rectum. Yes, your rectum!/Hurry back! Hurray back! Be sure to bring more money to give to Disney so they can make G-Force 2: The Hamster Apocalypse Part 7. There’s a part 2 and a part 7. If you multiply it, it’s 14, which is how many Air Bud movies they’ve made, you ungrateful bastards! Wait, um…what was I talking about? Oh yes, Rectum!