The Haunted Mansion (w/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 1
Some Jerk With A Camera
March 25, 2016
[We do the NC opening for the episode before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic at his table.]
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. If you've ever been to the Magic Kingdom, chances are one of your favorite rides is the Haunted Mansion.
[Pictures of the ride are shown.]
NC (vo): And how could it not be? With its endless creativity, Gothic atmosphere, and so many clever visuals that no one can see it in one viewing, the Haunted Mansion has become one of the theme park's most praised attractions. [Picture of Captain Jack Sparrow] So, when Disney had a surprise monster hit with their--
NC: [pause] Wait a minute. Didn't I do this already?
[Cut to Jerk behind the camera looking over the script]
Jerk: Uh, yeah, you did, but now you're doing it for my show.
NC: Oh. [He's about to resume speaking, but pauses again] Why?
Jerk: Well, um...come on. Who better to star in Some Jerk with a Camera's review of the Haunted Mansion movie than the Nostalgia Critic? It's perfect casting. You were so funny and hip and urban in your reviews of Beverly Hills Cop and Trading Places and Coming to America...
NC: I've literally never reviewed any of those.
Jerk: Why wouldn't you be just as funny in any context whatsoever, no matter how many years later?
NC: [Annoyed] But I already covered this stupid movie!
Jerk: Exactly! You have reviewer dibs.
NC: Reviewer dibs?
Jerk: Yes. Once one reviewer states an opinion, it renders all others invalid. You know that. I mean, I wanted to review this movie, like, four years ago, but other shit kept getting in the way, and I wanted to make it a Halloween episode.
[NC looks at the calendar on the wall, which shows that it's March 2016]
NC: And how's that working out for you?
Jerk: Look, we both know how these co-reviews work. One of us pretends to not want to do it, and then we pretend to fight about it, and then we do it anyway, while pretending to hate each other. Frankly, the formula's grown stale. Let's just cut the shit and jump right into it. [To the viewers] This is The Haunted Mansion movie!
[The movie starts]
Jerk [v/o]: So, we open promisingly enough with audio from the ride.
Caption and Voiceover: Welcome, foolish mortals.
[Cut to a five-second shot of Critic giving a glare]
Jerk: [looking through the script; confused] Um... Critic, your line is... "Thanks for the big helpful subtitles. This can only enhance my viewing..."
NC: [interrupting] You know, I think the Channel Awesome by-laws have something about reviewer dibs in here. [Looks through sheets of papers] Let's see. It's somewhere. Ah. Here we go. [Critic holds up a piece of paper reading "Reviewer dibs are not a thing." in huge black letters] Knock yourself out!
[Cut to Jerk in Disneyland, outside the attraction "Great Moments With Mr. Algiacritic."]
Jerk: Well, that was a complete waste of time. [Looks at the DVD for "Haunted Mansion."] I am not reviewing this alone.
[Jerk pulls out his phone as we cut Castle Jackula [with the caption "Meanwhile"] as Count Jackula is watching the beginning of this review on his phone.]
Jerk [recorded]: One of us pretends to not want to do it, and then we pretend to fight about it, and then we do it anyway, while pretending to hate each other-
Count Jackula: [Confused] The fuck is this pretentious shit? Oh, whatever. [His phone rings, he tries to pause the video and answer it and then he finally does.] Yeah! [Laughs at his triumph and answers the phone.] Hello, it's Count Jackula from the planet Dracula, [Scary tone] I hope you die in your fucking sleep!
Jerk: Oh, wouldn't that be nice. Is the Horror Guru there?
Count Jackula: I think so, let me check.
[He pulls up a bald, sleeping Horror Guru, Jackula hits him with his cane.]
Horror Guru: [As he awakes] The vagina bit me!
Jack: [To Guru] It does that.
Jerk: Good. Put me on speaker phone. How would you two like an all expenses paid trip to the Happiest Place on Earth?
Jackua: [Excited] War-torn Syria? FUCK YEAH!
Guru: I'll pack the C-4!
Jerk: [Annoyed] No, the other happiest- Disneyland!
[The two are now disappointed.]
Guru: Oh, um, Jerk, don't take this the wrong way, but there are some things even we can't stomach.
Jerk: Oh, come on. This park is a lot darker than a lot of people think. I mean, "Indiana Jones" has a pile of skulls everywhere, "Pirates of the Caribbean" has a sex-slave auction, "It's a Small World" rapes people...
Jack: [Angry] YEAH, WELL, "THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE" RIDE IS PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTING!
[Cut to Jackula and Guru riding the "Bug's Life" ride, Heimlich's Chew Chew Train. They look disappointed.]
Jerk: You're disappointed that you weren't forced to eat shit?
Jackula: Weren't we? WEREN'T WE?!?!
[Masked Slasher [played by Jackula] comes out of a nearby door in the castle.]
Masked Slasher: Did someone say we're going to Disneyland?!
Jack and Guru: No!
[Jackula and Guru decide to ignore Masked Slasher and continue their conversation with Jerk.]
Guru: Tell you what: we'll consider it if you let us also go to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights.
Jerk: It's March! [He then notices a big Mickey head made of faux pumpkins near him. To himself.] Wow, Disney is really procrastinating.
Jack: Lousy March weather!
Guru: It's no use, Jack. We're already in his video saying how much we don't want to be in his video.
Masked Slasher: ...and Jim Belushi and Oogiloves...
Guru: (Pause) I'll go put my hair back on.
Masked Slasher: ... and Tom Bombadil and Meatwad...
Jack: OK, but if this is inevitable, how are we even going to get to Disneyland?
Jerk: Well, [in a creepy voice] of course, there's always... my way. [Jerk snaps his fingers and after a strange transition, the two appear next to Jerk.] Let's go ride the Haunted Mansion!
[They then arrive there, but it's the holiday version - Haunted Mansion Holiday - where it becomes a Nightmare Before Christmas ride for the Halloween-Christmas season. Jerk is upset, but J'ack and Guru aren't upset.'.]
Jerk: No! No! No, God, no! No! NOOOOOO!!!
Guru: Cool! A "Nightmare Before Christmas" ride!
[They head to the ride as Jerk looks sad.]
Jerk: [To the Camera] Well, this wouldn't be the first time Disney missed the point of the Haunted Mansion.
[Cut to footage of the ride.]
Jerk [v/o]: I don't think any attraction in Disney history would lend itself more to a kick-ass film adaptation than the original Haunted Mansion. The creepy atmosphere, the grand scope, the subtle story elements hinting at a greater evil; it's arguably the most cinematic ride Disney has ever done and it overflows with beautiful potential.
[Cut to Jerk, waiting for Guru and Jack at the ride's exit, which they do.]
Jerk: So, how'd you guys like Jack Skellington's Car Toon Spin?
Jack: It was okay.
Jerk: Exactly! [Talking to both them and the audience, Jack confused as he talks to the camera] This seasonal overlay is okay, but the normal Haunted Mansion is one of the greatest things Disney has ever created. And when we park fans learned that they'd finally be rolling the dice on a Haunted Mansion movie, well, we were beyond hyped. We were drooling for it! With so many great places to take the material, how could they possibly screw it up?
Jack: Who are you talking to?
Jerk: [Ignoring him] Then we learned who'd be starring in it.
Jerk [v/o]: Audie Murphy, decorated World War II hero-turned-Hollywood movie star. Murphy seemed an unusual choice to headline this film, having been dead for 30 years, but perhaps his authentic experience as a ghost could lend a certain fearsome...
[Cut back to the three at the park.]
Guru: Eddie Murphy was in "The Haunted Mansion," not Audie.
Jerk: But Eddie Murphy's not dead.
Jack: I know.
Jerk: That doesn't make any sense!
Jack and Guru: We know!
Jerk: But... [stammers while trying to put the pieces together.]
Jack: Look, not to change the subject... but did you say something about a sex-slave auction?
[Cut to Jack in front of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride, with a sign saying it's unavailable. Jack is upset.]
Jack: No! No! No! [Breaks down crying.]
[We then see Calluna is behind him]
Calluna: Excuse me? Is the Pirates of the Caribbean ride open?
[He angrily runs after her and she runs screaming as we cut to the music video for Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time."]
Jack [v/o]: The Haunted Mansion, starring Eddie Murphy. Someone actually pitched that. Then that guy's boss approved it, and then that guy's boss approved it. Eventually, Michael Eisner approved it, and with final stunning proof that there is no God, Eddie said yes.
[Cut to a Saturday Night Live skit with Eddie Murphy as Professor Shebas K. Morton.]
Eddie Murphy: So, I messed up. Shut up!
Jerk [v/o]: There's a common misconception that this movie was only made because the first "Pirates" movie did so well. But actually, it came out less than five months after Pirates, and there were teasers for it a full year in advance. At that point, the only theme park movie ever made was one of the biggest flops of 2002. So naturally, they hired the director of another big flop of 2002, and the star of THE BIGGEST FLOP OF 2002!
[We then cut to the office of a Disney Exec, Artie, played by Nicholas Bogroff Ganssle. On his desk are various pill bottles, a trophy, a goblet, a script, 2 plush toys of a dragon and an elephant, and some books. A pair of hand cuffs is cuffed to one hand while the other cuff is loose. He has a flask in his other hand and a pipe in his mouth. A caption reads "2002." He's on the phone with someone.]
Artie: Haunted Mansion? [takes a drink, says to himself] Haunted Mansion. [Realizes] Oh yeah, that's the ride with the runaway mine train, right? [Answer from other line] Okay, then it must be that one with the...a...little ethnic kids and the prayer for peace? [Answer from other line] Well, then it's got to be the one with the flying metal car and the old kooky-eyed time traveler? [Answer] I CAN'T TELL ONE RIDE FROM ANOTHER! I'M NOT A FUCKING RACIST! JUST TO PROVE IT, I'M GONNA CAST MARTIN LAWRENCE IN THE ROLE OF...PROTAGONIST GUY IN THE HAUNTED MANSION MOVIE, OK? [Answer] I DON'T CARE IF HIS LAST SIX MOVIES BOMBED, THAT'S NO REASON TO BLACKBALL HIM...OR WHITEBALL HIM! Listen, he's been in every ghost movie, he's the obvious choice for this. [Answer] Yeah, he was in "Ghostbusters," "Ghost Dad," "Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai," [Takes another drink] and "48 Hours!" [Answer] I thought Nick Nolte was a ghost? [Answer] Listen, the point it is, we're casting Flip Wilson in this movie, all right? [Throws the phone away.] Fucking racist. [He takes the nearby script, labeled "Up," and a hand saw from the ground and cuts the script in half.] THAT'LL TEACH YOU BASTARDS TO MAKE ME FEEL THINGS! YOU'LL NEVER DRAW IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!
[Cut back to the 3 reviewers.]
Guru: Well, maybe if no one knows what they're doing, then it'll all even out, right? Right?
[Jerk and Jack give unsure faces as if they think otherwise. Jack walks away from frame.]
Jerk: Do not lower the bar, folks. Gumby damn it, we'll lower it for you. This is the Haunted Mansion... movie. [sigh]
[The movie starts]
Jerk [v/o]: So we open, promisingly enough, with audio from the ride.
Caption and Voiceover: Welcome, foolish mortals.
[Cut to Guru. Each time he says something, a big subtitle appears in front oh him of what he just said.]
Guru: Thanks for the big helpful subtitles! This can only enhance my viewing experience! [Notices the subtitles, he can't get past them.] Um... Jack? I think I'm...stuck behind the letters!
Jack: [Having the same problem] Look I got problems of my own here. [He gets an idea, he separates the 2 halves of "Here." He is successful and laughs.] Good! [He steps forward and gets hit with the "good" subtitle.]
Jack [v/o]: The opening credit sequence is...surprisingly excellent. Great set, great costumes, great score, some nice visual hints to the back story, and...
[Jennifer Tilly's credit shows up. We then cut to Jack and Jerk by a picture of Celia from "Monsters, Inc."]
Jack: [happy] Ooh, Jennifer Tilly! I've been into to her since "Bound!"
Jerk: She plays a disembodied head.
Jack: [Thinks about it for sec, still happy] Oh, yeah!
Jerk: A human head.
[Jack then angrily throws his hat to the ground. Cut to a flyer for Evers and Evers Real Estate in front of the mansion with pictures of Jim and Sara Evers, played by Eddie Murphy and Marsha Thomason. Jim's Picture has the big, creepy Eddie Murphy smile.]
Guru [v/o]: And how better to end such an effectively creepy credit sequence than with the most horrifying, nightmare-inducing of the entire movie: Eddie Murphy's smile!
[Cut to the 3 in a gondola for Mickey's Fun Wheel. Guru and Jerk put there hands over there eyes and Jack tries to close them. The all shout at the same time.]
Jerk: OH GOD, TAKE IT AWAY! TAKE IT AWAY!
Jack: It's evil! IT'S EVIL!
Jerk [v/o]: This is Jim.
[We then cut to Jim White from "Escape From Tomorrow."]
Jerk: No, no, no. That was a "scary" movie.
Jerk [v/o]: This is Jim Evers of Evers and Evers Real Estate. But on the other hand, no it fucking isn't; it's Eddie goddamn Murphy and we'll never see him as anything else no matter how much he lies to us.
Jim Evers: [To some clients] Cause at Evers and Evers, we want you to be happy for evers and evers! [Laughs]
[Cut back to the 3 on Mickey's fun wheel.]
Jerk: I'll never be happy again!
Guru: [Covering his face with his arms while making them a cross.] THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
Jim: There's only one thing left to do. [Hands them a pen, which the camera focuses on and not on Jim] :et's sign some papers. [He smiles again.]
Jack [v/o]: EVEN OUT OUT OF FOCUS, IT'S RAPING ME!
[We then cut to Jim meeting some other clients, a married couple, at a tropical themed restaurant.]
Jim: Hey, hey!
Jerk [v/o]: Um, did I miss something? When did this become an Enchanted Tiki Room movie?
[Cut to Guru as a director with a red cap on his head in front of the Enchated Tiki Room.]
Director/Guru: [To himself] I swear I'm getting an ulcer shooting this thing. [Jack as a P/A taps his shoulder] What is happening now?
Production Assisstant/Jack: Ok, the flowers are refusing to come out of the dressing garden, the birds are threatening to migrate, and Eddie Murphy refuses to wear whiteface makeup.
Director/Guru: [Depressed by this news.] All right, screw it. Let's just do some reshoots and make it a Haunted Mansion movie.
PA/Jack: The tiki gods are not going to like that.
Director/Guru: The tiki gods will be fine; we'll just throw them an extra virgin sacrifice.
Extra/Jerk: [Come up to them, excited] When do I get to meet Jennifer Tilly?
PA/Jack: [To Director/Guru] You're the boss. [Grabs Extra/Jerk]
Director/Guru: Damn straight.
Jim: I've gotta get going now because it's my anniversary tonight and I'm trying to get home to my wife.
Wife Client: Your anniversary? Happy anniversary!
Jim: Thank you. Sign the thing here.
[Husband and Wife Clents then sing the Happy Anniversary song. Cut to Jerk in a similar restaurant, he hears the song.j
Jerk: I hate it when they make the waiters sing.
[As the 2 clients still sing, we cut to a newspapers with Jim's picture. Headline reads: "Realtor stabs couple to death with pen." The Enchanted Tiki Room theme plays as we see the newspaper.]
Jerk: Well, that's 2 happy haunts. You owe us 997 more and the death scenes had better be GRUESOME!
[Jim then arrives at his home with a big teddy bear for his wife.]
Jerk: OH GOD, THE COUNTRY BEARS ARE BACK! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
Guru [v/o]: So, Eddie Murphy shows up late for dinner and his wife chews him out for not spending more time with his family.
Sara Evers: What about the three soccer games, two birthday parties and barbeque you missed?
Jack [v/o]: Yeah, we got a lot of these bullshit movies in the '90s. Movies where an aging comedian plays a workaholic dad who learns through supernatural contrivance that he's a worthless human being unless he spends EVERY. WAKING. MOMENT. With his DAMN WEINER-KIDS! These films reinforced the BOTTOMLESS EGOS of the damn weiner-kids of the baby boomers!
Jerk: [Pops into frame] Myself included.
Jack [v/o]: And hence, they put asses in seats.
[Cut to Footage of "Mary Poppins."]
Guru [v/o]: I guess the trend started with the dad from "Mary Poppins," but he was actually a borderline, verbally abusive asshole.
[Winifred Banks is about to hug her children, when...]
George Banks: Winifred, please don't be emotional.
Guru [v/o]: "Mary Poppins" had the balls to acknowledge the harsh truth that some parents treat their damn wiener-kids like miserable burdens. So, when Mary Poppins saves Mr. Banks and helps him enjoy his family, it means something. But in '90s kids movies, everyone had to be likable, so all these bad parents were really just good parents who worked too often. [Cut to a clip from "Liar, Liar"] Bad Jim Carrey! Thoughtlessly typing while your damn wiener-kid craves more of the fatherly affection you literally just gave him!
Jerk [v/o]: And though this movie came out 4 years after the '90s ended, the cliche was still alive and well, even in a film about dead people. [Cut to footage of 1998s "Dr. Dolittle."] In fact, didn't Eddie Murphy already make this goddamn movie?
[Intercut between the 2 films]
Doctor John Dolittle: I'm supposed to take my family to the country this weekend.
Jim: We're gonna take off for the weekend. We're gonna go down to the lake, like we did last year with the kids.
Lisa Dolittle: It's always for us, John, and some times, I don't know what "us" is.
Jim: This is a big opportunity for all of us!
Sara: Not for us, for you!
Dr. Dolittle: I'm dreaming right now.
Jim: I'm just having helucinations!
[Dr. Dolittle screams and Jim screams.]
Jerk [v/o]: How dare Doctor "Do-even-less" own a successful small business and be busy! [Caption pops up "Cell Phone=Worse than Hitler."] The goddamn heretic! How dare he not constantly bond with his damn wiener-kids, like he does in literally the very next scene.
Jim: [To his son, Michael Evers] You're 10 years old and it's time I teach you how to kill a spider the right way, all right? [Rolls up the magazine.] You roll this up good and tight, get a good grip on it, get a beat on the spider, [hands the rolled up news paper to Michael] you take it, and you wack it.
Michael Evers: I don't want to wack it.
Jim: Come on, you got to wack the spider, Mike, wack it!
Michael: I can't wack it!
Jim: Come on, wack it! Come on, you can do it!
Michael: I don't want to wack it.
Jim: Yes you can! Come on, wack it!
Michael: I don't want to wack it.
Announcer/Jack [v/o]: You're watching the Jared Fogel collection on Turner Classic Movies!
[Logos for TCM and Subway appear with a caption: "Up next: Newsies." We then see Megan Evers, Jim's other child, take the magazine and kill the spider.]
Guru [v/o]: So, the little boy's prepubescent sister wacks it for hi...you know what? No. I am NOT reading this!
Jerk [v/o]: Oh, come on, Guru!
Guru [v/o]: I'm not going to jail for you fuckers again!
Jerk [v/o]: So anyway, Eddie Murphy's wife finally gets a call from the plot.
Ramsley [v/o from the phone]: Would it be possible for you to come alone?
Sara: But my husband and I work as a team.
Jerk: Is that why he was working alone earlier like the adulterer realtor he is?
Guru: Wait a minute. What if she was there the whole time as an invisible ghost? She's been a ghost this whole time!
Jack: [Yells] THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!
Jerk: Yeah, you're sure she's not just a underwritten love interest? There's not much difference.
Guru: Nope, she's a ghost. They're Shyamalan-ing it. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it! [Sings] Who ya gonna call? / Ghost-realtors!
[Jerk pushes him away and then turns to Jack.]
Jerk: Wanna ride Space Mountain?
Jack: Yeah, sure.
Guru: [Off camera, sings as the others leave.] I ain't afraid of escrow!
Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, the family takes a detour from their weekend getaway to meet with a very lucrative, potential client.
[The Evers car crosses a bridge over a swamp, to get to the mansion.]
Michael: [From the car, to his parents] Are we still in America?
Jack: [Removing his sunglasses] I don't know, kid. Are we still in the movie? Cause, it looks like a car commercial!
[Cut back to the footage of the car over the bridge.]
Announcer/Jack [v/o]: Introducing the 2003 Acura Douchebag!
Jack [v/o]: Finally they arrive at the house and notice...HOLY SHIT, IT'S MIDIAN!
[The Evers see that the back land of the mansion is one big graveyard.]
Megan Evers: Oh. My. God.
[We cut to the 3 reviewers reaction to the back yard cemetery, which they're in awe of.]
Sara: Well, some people have pools. Some people have private cemeteries.
Megan: You're gonna sell a house with this?
Jack: I'll buy it!
Guru: Me too!
Jerk: We'll go in on it! You can kill me, collect the life insurance, and make a down payment!
Guru: And then you can haunt us!
Jack: You're never gonna regret this, Jerk. Everyone's got three mortgages nowadays.
Guru: Yeah, but at 19%? You didn't even bargain with the guy!
Jerk: Guys! Guys! We doing this or what? Come on; less murmuring, more murdering!
Guru: I'll get the bleach!
[He leaves the frame and Jack gets out a cutlass.]
Jerk: Now, you see what we can accomplish when we all work together? And you guys wanted to go to Univers-
[Jack then stabs Jerk in the back with the cutlass as we cut to a clip of the end of part 1 of the Disney World episode of “Full House,” with the caption “To Be Continued.” 'Cut to the end credits. Midway through, we cut back to Artie, snorting some cocaine on his desk and picks up the plush elephant toy on his desk.]
Artie: You're my only friend, Squeaky. Together, we're gonna make a great movie. "Operation: Fuck You Up!" [Throws the toy on the desk.] You'll be the first elephant action star or this [the trophy on his desk] isn't a goddamn Oscar! [It isn't]
[We then cut to an "In memeory" for Jerk as it reads "2011-2016." We then cut back to the rest of the credits.]
[To be continued in Part 2]