March 03, 2015
[We do the usual opening for the show before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic at his table.]
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, if you've ever been to the Magic Kingdom, chances are one of your favorite rides is the Haunted Mansion.
[Pictures of the ride are shown.]
NC (vo): And how could it not be? With its endless creativity, Gothic atmosphere, and so many clever visuals that no one can see it in one viewing, the Haunted Mansion has become one of the theme park's most praised attractions. [Picture of Captain Jack Sparrow is shown] So when Disney had a surprise monster hit with their Pirates of the Caribbean movie, they figured maybe bringing the same amount of cinematic effort to one of the most famous rides of all time might be called for here as well. Best way to begin? Well, let's have [picture of...] Eddie Murphy star in it.
[NC stamps the screen and makes the word "RUINED" appear on screen.]
[We now get clips of the movie as he starts his opening summary. "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays in the background.]
NC (vo): How can one of Disney's most playfully dark and Gothic ideas be given to such an obviously wrong actor? Not that Eddie Murphy can't do good work, he just...does it so rarely. [Posters of Daddy Day Care and Meet Dave are shown] This is like putting Will Ferrell in Batman [Picture of Will Ferrell Photoshopped onto Batman is shown], or Sarah Silverman in Sophie's Choice [Poster of her put in place of Meryl Streep is shown], or Pierce Brosnan in a music-- [Poster of Mamma Mia! is shown] Oh, yeah, we're still paying for that. [Picture of Pierce surrounded by several people is shown, all with word balloons saying "Jesus!"] But some actors obviously don't go with some movies. And the sad thing is, they tried to tailor what could've been a really awesome idea with a dark sense of humor to a story as intriguing as the ones you find on the side of Happy Meal boxes.
NC: Hell, even [picture of Happy Meal boxes] Happy Meal boxes are looking creepier than anything in this film! So, does anything capture the original creativity of the ride? Well, let's take a look with... [sighs] ...Eddie Murphy's Haunted Mansion.
[The movie begins with a boy approaching a scary-looking mansion.]
NC (vo): So a boy, who literally has nothing to do with anything, shows up just so the house can tell him to piss off.
[The boy gets knocked to the ground by a gust of air, followed by a ghostly voice shouting "Go away!" He quickly scrambles to his bike to get out of there.]
NC: Well, you heard the movie. It said "go away", It wants to get rid of us as much as the writing does. [Stands up and walks away]
[The film then shows the main character, Jim Evers (Murphy), a real estate agent giving a couple called the Colemans a tour of a house.]
NC (vo): We then transition via shit-eating grin to Eddie Murphy trying to sell a house to Overactor #1 [Rachel Harris] and Overactor #2 [Jim Doughan].
Mrs. Coleman: It's just what we've been looking for.
Mr. Coleman: There aren't enough plugs.
NC: [as Lt. Kellaway from The Mask] Doyle?!
Mrs. Coleman: Every house we look at, you find something to pick at.
Mr. Coleman: Ugh, I just know what I like.
Mrs. Coleman: Would you like a divorce? 'Cause I'll bring it.
Jim Evers: Uh, hey, guys.
NC (vo, as Mr. Coleman): Ugh, if I had a nickel for how many divorces were caused by plugs...
NC: Actually, that sounds worse than I meant it to be.
Mrs. Coleman: We love the house!
NC (vo): He closes up another deal at the Riki Tiki Room where the happy couple wants to celebrate, but Murphy has to get to his anniversary dinner in time for--Oh, it's this bullshit setup!
NC: See, I didn't know if they were gonna do the clumsy dreamer who has to prove himself, [A picture of Martin Short in A Simple Wish is shown] the cowardly weirdo who has to prove himself. [A picture of Eugene Levy in American Pie is shown]
NC (vo): But now I see it's the workaholic douchebag who has to prove himself.
NC: Because as we all know with family films, there's only three stories to tell.
NC (vo): Seeing how the last film combining a black father with ghosts used this method to such [poster of Ghost Dad] fucking greatness, it only makes sense to use it again here.
NC: What a world of maybe a child-sized handful of possibilities.
[At the restaurant, Jim is approached by another couple.]
Woman: Did you just sell their house?
Jim: I sure did.
Man: 'Cause we're looking to buy.
[Jim, who is about to leave, stops upon hearing what the man said and immediately goes back to the couple.]
NC (vo): And seeing how Murphy clearly, for some reason, doesn't believe in business cards, he misses the dinner with his very angry wife.
[We see Jim at home with his wife Sara, played by Marsha Thompson.]
Jim: Okay, I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna take off this weekend.
Jim: Like we did last year with the kids. Just us and the kids for the whole weekend. How's that sound?
NC: [as Jim] How about Orlando? I voiced so many annoying characters for that attraction. [Pictures of Eddie Murphy's animated characters, Mushu from Mulan and Donkey from Shrek, are shown] Surely we can get in for free.
[Jim's son, Michael, is first shown.]
NC (vo): She agrees to the trip, but Travis-sized Chris Rock here is afraid of a spider in his room.
[Jim takes Michael to his bedroom. A Houdini poster is shown on the bedroom wall.]
Jim: It's time I teach you how to kill a spider the right way, all right?
NC (vo): Yeah, I remember how many kids had Houdini posters hanging in their room. Maybe that was a plot thread that was going to go somewhere, but again, they probably saw how well it worked in Ghost Dad and...seriously, movie, nobody should have this many strange connections to that fucking film!
Jim: Yeah, right.
NC (vo): But they get a call to look at a house that could be a big payday for Murphy and decides to take a look with his family before their weekend break.
[The family arrives at the mansion and get out of their car. The daughter, Megan, slams the door.]
Jim: Megan, don't slam the door like that. It's very sensitive.
Megan: It's a car, Dad.
Jim: Ah! It's not just a car. It's a very delicate piece of machinery. [Speaks to the car] She didn't mean what she just said. She didn't mean that.
NC (vo): Well, can't imagine why that scene was put in there.
NC: You'd see a less obvious setup with bowling pins having the words "break me" written on them. [Three bowling pins, all having Murphy's face on the top and having the words "Break me" on them, are superimposed into the scene.]
[The family goes inside the mansion.]
NC (vo): So they enter the haunted mansion, while, not badly designed, does look like every other creepy movie house you've seen before. Nothing really sets it that much apart.
NC: Hey, look!
NC (vo): There goes Casper, Morticia, Count Olaf, and Owen Wilson reminding us to be scared.
Luke: Really creepy.
[The mansion's butler, Ramsley, played by Terence Stamp, appears as lightning strikes.]
NC (vo): Thus, we're introduced to the butler of the house and clearly the only person having any fun in this film, Terence Stamp. That's right. [A photo of Stamp as General Zod from Superman is shown.] General Zod is playing this part. [Chuckles] And if you want an idea for what you're in for, take a listen to how he says his very first line.
[Ramsley speaks in a ghostly voice; get used to that; he speaks that way throughout.]
Ramsley: Sara Evers?
NC: [laughs] And I'm not even kidding. That is literally how he says every single line in this film.
NC (vo): He has a machine gun vibrato that would make Elmer Fudd's laugh jealous.
Ramsley: [various scenes] The master... / Sounds wonderful. / The storm has flooded the road.
NC (vo, as Ramsley): I'm hunting wabbits. Hehehehehehe.
NC: Seriously, Zod. What are you doing in this film?
[At this moment, General Zod suddenly appears in another room.]
Zod: Well, remember when I said I did some movies in the past I wasn't very proud of?
NC: Oh. Well...yeah, but, I thought you meant, uh...
Zod: What? Thought I meant what?
NC: I just kind of made the assumption that you...you...
Zod: You thought I was doing porn, didn't you?
NC: It's just the way you're dressed, you know, I...
Zod: No, no, no, no, no. I see. Just because a man wears all leather and exposes his man cleavage means he must be some sort of gentleman of the night!
NC: It's just most people outside of that industry don't usually dress that way.
Zod: Well, according to The Matrix, all Houstonians dress this way. It doesn't mean I have sex for money!
NC: Okay, okay. I'm sorry I made that assumption.
[Malcolm and Tamara walk by Zod.]
Malcolm: Okay, Zod, ready when you are. Drop the pants, and let's get filming.
[NC stares at an embarrassed Zod.]
Zod: Well, I'm doing it now! That's only because some opportunities have opened up for me!
Zod: Yes, apparently, when the Man of Steel lasers your balls off, everybody wants to see what it looks like. Might as well make a little cha-ching off of it.
NC: I'm gonna forget anything about your genitalia what-said and get back to the review.
Zod: Fine. I got work to do, too. [Leaves while zipping down his pants. A woman's scream is heard.] Well, I guess I should get used to that.
[Back to the movie, where the Evers family meets the mansion's owner, Master Gracey, played by Nathaniel Parker.]
NC (vo): So Zod takes them to the owner of the house, named Edward Gracey.
Edward Gracey: Tell me, Mr. Evers, do you believe in ghosts?
NC (vo, as Jim): Well, I had brought my career back from the dead several times. Does that count?
[Ramsley looks out the window.]
Ramsley: The storm has swollen the river.
NC (vo, laughs): Okay, Zod, I know the voice you're going for, but has anyone ever actually heard another person talk like that? You're making Michael Crawford sound like the Micro Machines guy [John Moschitta Jr.].
Ramsley: I'm afraid there will be no leaving the mansion tonight.
NC (vo, as Ramsley): It's as dark as the music of the night, Christine. [normal] So they can't leave the mansion and decide to spend the night there.
[Ramsley shows Jim and Sara to their room.]
Ramsley: Will there be anything else that you require, sir?
Jim: Are you gonna get us some chocolates?
Jim: You know, the little chocolates they put on the hotel pillows? Sometimes...
[As Jim continues speaking, Ramsley shuts the door.]
NC (vo, as Ramsley): Save it for Shrek 12. [normal] Of course, no one actually sleeps, and they start snooping around the house because...well, it's a big creepy place and they all have Penny Gadget syndrome.
[At the library, Jim sees a secret door.]
NC (vo): Murphy discovers the batpoles while the daughter also makes a shocking discovery.
[At their room, the kids encounter a blue ghostly orb.]
Megan: What do you think it is?
NC (vo): Or, at least, it would be shocking if she was even the tiniest bit surprised by it.
[The orb starts moving.]
Megan: I think it wants us to follow it. [The orb phases through a door.] It does. It wants us to follow it.
NC: [looking at an iPhone and speaking deadpan like Megan] Dude, we're the iPhone generation. The only time we're ever actually shocked is when Facebook changes their layout. [Looks at his iPhone] They did it again? [Looks away] My life is over.
[Sara meets Master Gracey at another room.]
NC (vo): The wife as well bumps into Gracey, who seems to be quite taken with her, so much so that you swear he only has one setting in this film: whimsical.
Gracey: [various scenes] Grand parties, dancing, laughter... / I really must show you. / There's nothing to be afraid of. / Yes, of course. / ...and, above all, hope.
NC (vo): Even when he's saying really sad stuff, he seems bizarrely inspired by it.
Gracey: These walls are filled with so many memories. Some of them...painful.
NC: [as Gracey] You can tell by the smile on my face. [Smiles] I'm so upset.
Gracey: Elizabeth. Hers is the story that haunts these walls.
[A bright flash is shown.]
NC (vo, as Gracey): You see, a long time ago, she... [The film cuts to the kids following the ghost orb.] Oh! I guess we're not doing that, then. Odd transition. [normal] The kids follow the flaming Smurf testicle deeper into the house where they come across a picture of a woman that, of course, looks just like their mom.
[The mansion's footman, Ezra, played by Wallace Shawn, encounters the kids in the basement.]
Ezra: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be up here. This is unspeakable! Unspeakable!
NC: [as Ezra; mimicking Vizzini from The Princess Bride] Inconceivable, even! [Speaks normally and raises his hand] Come on, high-five. You knew that was coming, come on, give me a high-five. Actually put your hand on the computer screen and give me a high-five. Come on, high-five. High-five me, bro, high-five. If you actually do it, I will be concerned about you.
NC (vo): But Zod enters the room and they tell them to hide.
[Ramsley confronts Ezra and the maid, Emma, played by Dina Waters.]
Ramsley: The children are not in their room.
Emma: Children? What children?
Ramsley: The children she wasn't supposed to bring, along with that brainless husband of hers.
NC: [as Ramsley, while trilling his R's] Those rascally rapscallions really ruffle my ridges!
Ramsley: If I had to listen to another word from that insufferable fool, I think I would've burst.
Ezra: Of course, sir. What a fool!
NC (vo, as Ramsley): I'll be the only one tasting the scenery, thank you.
Ramsley: The final arrangements have been made. Nothing further will interfere with the master's plan.
[Ramsley walks away.]
NC (vo, as Ramsley): Now if you'll excuse me, my monster from his slab began to rise (reference to the song "Monster Mash").
[Meanwhile, Jim is looking at a mirror.]
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Murphy stumbles across another big surprise: [Jim's reflection on the mirror has his face heavily scarred and rocky.] Terrible CG that could've easily been done with makeup!
NC (vo, as Jim): Hey, DreamWorks is the only company that gets to turn me into a computer-generated jackass.
[Jim walks into a room, where the mysterious Madame Leota is sitting inside.]
NC (vo): He then comes across Madame Leota, who, if you remember from the ride, was played by the same actress who played Maleficent and Cinderella's Stepmother. So, obviously, they had to get somebody just as dignified to play the-- [Leota's actress is revealed to be Jennifer Tilly.] Oh, are you fucking kidding me?
Madame Leota: There is great evil in this house. A devil's curse. It seeks to destroy you.
NC: Okay, look, I have nothing against Jennifer Tilly. She's funny, she's talented, and...surprisingly random at Goddess of Poker. [A picture of Tilly playing poker is shown briefly.] But this is meant for a dignified voice. Every time I hear her, I keep expecting her to get legal advice from Jim Carrey!
Madame Leota: And lead us through this stormy night.
[Using her powers, she lifts Jim up in the air and spins him around.]
NC (vo): She then lifts him up into the air with a bunch of instruments because...really, no reason except it was on the ride.
[After being spun around for a bit, Jim runs out of the room, screaming.]
NC: [as Jim] I'm trying to out-Tucker Chris Tucker!
[We go to a commercial for a "new Disney reboot".]
Announcer (voiced by Malcolm): Coming to the big screen, Walt Disney Pictures proudly presents...Gargoyles. From the studio that put [Images of] Eddie Murphy in The Haunted Mansion, Keira Knightley as a pirate, and Mila Kunis as the Wicked Witch, we present another phenomenal miscasting with... [cut to...] Kanye West as Goliath.
"Kanye" Goliath (played by Malcolm): Yeah! I'm stone by day, and batshit crazy monster by night! Also, I'm apparently in a movie!
Announcer: Because you'll love our film versions of [posters for...] Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast, even though we already have film versions of [posters for animated versions of...] Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast...
"Kanye" Goliath: Why they do that shit? [A hand tries to reach out to him offscreen, but he brushes it off.]
Announcer: We bring you another misunderstanding of source material, by casting Ellen DeGeneres as Elisa Maza.
"Kanye" Goliath: Bitch, who the fuck are you?!
Ellen (played by Tamara): Zing! I'm your love interest.
"Kanye" Goliath: Say what, you clam chowder cracker?!
Ellen: Don't worry. I've seen worse. I dated Anne Heche. [to the audience] That's an old joke, kids. If you don't get it, ask your parents. 'Course if you're watching this, you are your parents. [chuckles] Okay.
Boring voice from offscreen: Not so fast.
[It's revealed to be Kevin Costner, portrayed by Doug.]
Announcer: With Kevin Costner as the villainous Xanatos.
Xanatos: I am Xenatos.
"Kanye" Goliath and Ellen: XANATOS!
Xanatos: I don't care. I have sent out my robotic army. [brief shot of the robots over the green screen Chicago night sky]. If you wish to save the people, you will have to fly up there and stop them.
"Kanye" Goliath: Bitch that fuck! I don't do any flying. Unless I have a crown of thorns or a halo!
Ellen: What are you 'spossed to do? Let all those people die?
"Kanye" Goliath: Shut up, Postman! I can buy you like my wife!
Xanatos: I am Xanax-tos.
"Kanye" Goliath and Ellen: XANATOS!!
Xanatos: I don't care. I didn't watch the show.
[All three are now arguing at once.]
"Kanye" Goliath: These wings don't have feathers on them... Beyonce should be in this role... Also...
Ellen: [laughs and smiles] You're welcome, America... Imma let you finish, and he said...
Xanatos: ...like Professor X... it's not X Anatos... it should really have a Z...
[One of Xanatos' robots flies down and blows them all up.]
Announcer: Gargoyles. Coming soon to a theater near... [punching sounds are heard] Hey, let go of me!
Kanye: We need three!
Ellen: Hey, you wanna hear about the show I'm producing that's gonna bomb?
Kanye: Bitch, don't make me chop you up and smoke you!
Costner: I am Santa Hose.
[After the commercial, we see Gracey and Sara still talking with each other.]
NC (vo): So Gracey continues to tell Murphy's wife about his dead wife, claiming the events happened to his grandfather instead of to himself.
Gracey: And he loved her more than life itself. But they were from different worlds, and couldn't be together.
NC (vo): Hey, hey! We tip-toed towards racism not existing in Princess and the Frog, we can do the same thing here.
[Meanwhile, Jim is reunited with the kids.]
Megan: Dad! Dad!
NC (vo): So the kids meet up with Murphy and try to find out what to do.
[Jim and the kids, as well as Ezra and Emma, go to Madame Leota for advice.]
Madame Leota: For the truth to be known, you must find the key.
Jim: What are you talking about, ball lady? What key?
Madame Leota: Enter the tomb under the great dead oak, and travel down deep under the ground, and there you will find the key that must be found.
NC (vo): Okay, where's this clause that says that side characters must speak in bullshit riddles and rhymes? Why can't they just say "go fucking here" and "do fucking that" because "fucking this"? A fun scavenger hunt is one thing, but when lives are on the line, skip the Frank Gorshin cocktease!
[Ezra and Emma lead Jim and the kids out of the mansion by riding on a coach with a skeleton horse.]
NC (vo): The servants help them on their quest and suddenly turn blue because...
NC: Pac-Man ate the corner pellet, I don't know.
[The chariot rides past several ghosts around the outdoor garden.]
NC (vo): ...and they come across more spooks recreating the ride.
Jim: Yes, son?
Michael: I see dead people.
NC: Hey, that doesn't date this at all. Why don't you just throw in a "getting jiggy" reference while you're at it?
Jim: [from an earlier scene] He wants to try to get jiggy with my wife?
Ezra: Pretty much.
NC: Why the hell that? Did I also forget to mention that you are the Weakest Link, Houston, we have a problem, and somebody just did a great cave drawing of a buffalo?
[Meanwhile, Gracey, still talking with Sara, shows her a wedding dress.]
Gracey: This was to have been her wedding dress. It would've been lovelier still if she'd ever had a chance to wear it.
NC (vo, as Sara): Uh, that's nice, Mr. Gracey, but we've been talking about this for three hours now. Can we finally change the subject?
[Meanwhile, Jim and the kids are walking through the courtyard.]
Megan: He was willing to throw everything away for love.
Jim: Well, now he's broke, dead and cursed. Nice move. [Steps on something messy, with an audible sound effect.] Crap!
NC (vo, as Jim): I stepped in a 40s cartoon sound effect.
[Jim and the kids encounter a quartet of singing busts. They are singing "Grim Grinning Ghosts", the theme song of the Haunted Mansion ride.]
Singing Busts: When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones quake...
NC (vo): And as is typical of bad adaptations, they take one of the coolest parts of the original source and make it easily the most annoying part of the entire movie.
Jim: It's by the...
Singing Busts: By the light, by the light, by the light, of the silvery moon...
Jim: I gotta help my wife. She'll be--
Singing Busts: Coming round the mountain when she comes, when she comes...
[NC watches, not amused by this scene.]
NC: Are you laughing yet? No? Fucking more!
Singing Busts: Where's the key, where's the key, where's the beautiful key? Find the key, find the key, oh, how happy you'll be.
Jim: The key is in the mausoleum!
Singing Busts: You left your key...
[We see Doug's head, along with the heads of Rob Walker, Barney Walker and Jim Jarosz, playing the singing busts.]
Doug: Oh, your two-year-old is laughing, but you're not.
Jim, Rob and Barney: But you're not!
[We then cut to Malcolm dressed as Jim Evers.]
Doug: Unless you're smoking a gigantic brick of pot.
Jim, Rob and Barney: Brick of pot!
Doug: We're annoying and obnoxious and you probably should've shot us, please don't hold back then and give us what you got!
Jim, Rob and Barney: What you got!
[Malcolm shoots them all and starts to walk away, but then...]
Doug, Jim, Rob and Barney: Thank you, Gooooooooood!
[Malcolm shoots one of them again (with the way the gun is pointed, we can assume he shot Doug's head) and then walks away, while laughing shortly. Back to the movie, where Jim and the kids go inside the mausoleum, but see a notice.]
Megan: It's a warning.
Jim: How do you know that?
Megan: I studied Latin for three years, Dad. You thought it was dumb, remember?
NC (vo): Gee, a daughter who speaks Latin and a son with a Houdini poster?
NC: Stop! The realistic kid measurements are off the chart!
NC (vo): The son stays behind as the daughter goes with him down below.
[Jim opens a coffin to reveal a rotting corpse.]
NC (vo, as Indiana Jones): The shield! It's the second marker!
[The zombie suddenly comes to life.]
NC (vo): But it's guarded by the Walking Dull, causing them to drop the key.
Jim: Did you get the key?
Megan: I'm looking, I'm looking!
Jim: I have everything completely under control.
NC (vo, as Jim): And I'm not just saying that because every person who has ever said that in the history of mankind has always meant with the exact opposite reaction!
[Megan gets chased by another zombie.]
NC: [as Megan] Oh, my God! Creepy creatures are actually in front of me and not CG! This is so rare in this movie!
[Jim and Megan approach the exit door, but it slams shut and locks, while the other side is covered with spiders, which Michael is afraid of.]
Jim: Michael, open the door!
NC (vo): Ah, there you go. Fake CG spiders. God, this film felt naked for a second.
Megan: Open the door or I'll kill you!
Jim: Just open the door, please! Open the door right now!
NC (vo, as Michael): Sorry, I need the customary minute-and-a-half to perform the "overcoming my fears" cliche. Minute 22, minute 23...oh, I want to end this movie.
[Michael eventually opens the door, allowing Jim and Megan to get out.]
NC (vo): So they seem to have the key...
Michael: You got the key?
[Jim rummages around to find the key.]
NC (vo): Or do they?
[Jim brings out the key.]
Jim: There, I got it.
NC (vo): Oh, I guess they do.
NC: [confused] That was needed.
[The film cuts to Ramsley confronting Jim and the kids in the basement.]
NC (vo): And Murphy discovers that Zod is the one who killed Gracey's wife years ago. So he throws Murphy out of the house and locks up the kids in a trunk. You might be wondering, where the hell's the mother in all of this? Well, naturally, she's still listening to Gracey's story this whole time! Christ, lady! You give more time to this guy than Peter Jackson does to The Hobbit!
Gracey: Do you believe that love is about second chances?
Gracey: [suddenly becomes agitated] Don't you recognize me at all?
Sara: Mr. Gracey?
Gracey: I thought certainly bringing you back to Gracey Manor would help you.
NC (vo): So he tells her that she's the spirit of his lost love, but she has no memory whatsoever.
[Ramsley encounters Gracey next to a door.]
Gracey: It can't be her.
Ramsley: It is her, sir. The gypsy woman prophesied her return.
Gracey: But she doesn't remember.
Ramsley: In time, she will, sir. I assure you, she will.
NC (vo, as Ramsley): She'll remember after I beat it into her.
[Ramsley confronts Sara.]
Sara: I'm not Elizabeth!
Ramsley: We wouldn't want anything to happen to the children now, would we? [Reveals the children locked in the trunk]
NC (vo): So he tells her that unless she marries Gracey to lift the curse, he'll...I don't know, send her kids through baggage claim...and she begrudgingly agrees. But Gracey is confused by her crying while walking down the aisle.
[Gracey looks at Ramsley, who is serving as the wedding minister.]
Ramsley: Tears of joy.
NC: [as Ramsley] You can trust your creepy, dark-eyed, whispery-voiced darling. Oooooh!
NC (vo): But the dignified Madame Leota rolls in like a hamster ball and gives Murphy the motivation not to give up.
[Having been encouraged by Madame Leota to "try again", Jim is shown riding his car with Madame Leota sitting next to him.]
Jim: Hold on!
Madame Leota: With what?
[Jim drives his car through the mansion’s conservatory, managing to break in.]
NC (vo, as Jim): I'm finally gonna follow through on my "loving the car" joke! [Jim gets out of his car and runs into the mansion.] Only to have no reaction, thus not following through on my "loving the car" joke.
NC: [confused] Gutterball!
[We cut back to the three bowling pins from earlier. A bowling ball rolls past the pins, failing to hit them. Cut back to the wedding.]
Ramsley: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God...
NC (vo; laughing): Is Howling Dog an accent?
NC: [as Ramsley] We are gathered here today to celebrate this... [Howls like a dog]
NC (vo): So Murphy hurries to save the kids.
[Jim hears Michael and Megan trapped inside the trunk, hanging from the ceiling by a chain.]
Jim: Michael! Megan!
[As Jim starts moving down the hallway, the suits of armor suddenly spring to life.]
NC (vo, as the suits of armor): TREGUNA FUCKING MEKOIDES, ASSHOLE!
[Jim easily dodges the suits of armors' attacks and rescues the kids.]
NC (vo): So he defeats the knights...yeah, I believe it, too...and gets the kids out of the trunk to help him save his wife.
[Jim and the kids crash the wedding before Sara and Gracey can be married.]
Jim: Yeah, I got a few objections! [Embraces Sara, before telling Gracey about Ramsley's schemes.] Elizabeth didn't kill herself, he did it! He's been lying to you all along!
Ramsley: That is absurd.
NC: [as Ramsley] Totally absurd. It makes me want to laugh. [Does the Woody Woodpecker laugh in Ramsley's voice]
[Ramsley, his schemes now exposed, becomes enraged.]
Ramsley: Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!
[Ramsley summons wraiths to kill all the good guys. A fiery dragon emerges during the chaos.]
NC (vo): Uh-oh! Zod's demon army has come to burn our heroes up! [The fiery dragon grabs Ramsley and begins to drag him away to Hell.] Or they confusingly decide to take him instead because...he said the "D" word?
[As he is being dragged into Hell, Ramsley attempts to pull Jim down with him, but Gracey saves Jim.]
NC (vo): So the spirits of "Do You Really Give a Shit" come in for do-you-really-need-a-reason and take Zod away because would you even listen if I told you? [Ramsley is dragged into Hell forever.] Oh, God, what kind of world is this where Terence Stamp goes to Hell but Eddie Murphy is untouched?
[Sara suddenly collapses, having drunk some poison that was given to her by Ramsley earlier during the wedding.]
Michael: Mom, what's wrong? Are you all right?
NC (vo): But it seems the poison has taken its effect on his wife, leading to Murphy's most genuinely authentic, phoned-in performance he has yet given.
Jim: Sara! Sara, come on, please! Sara! Sara, I love you! Sara, please, I love you so much.
NC: [as Jim] Come on, honey. We had dinner reservations, Olive Garden...it was so mildly annoying to cancel.
[The blue ghost orb appears.]
NC (vo): But the radioactive Na'vi turd arrives again, possessing her with the spirit of Elizabeth, who brings Murphy's wife back to life.
[Sara and Jim embrace.]
Sara: I thought I'd lost you, too.
Jim: I'm back, Sara. I'm back.
NC (vo, as Jim): At least until Pluto Nash. Then it's a long, uphill climb from there.
[Gracey and Elizabeth, now reunited, ascend up to Heaven, along with every other soul in the mansion.]
NC (vo): Thus, the curse is lifted and all the spirits are freed at last.
[Ezra and Emma appear again; Emma is carrying suitcases.]
Ezra: What's all this?
Emma: I don't know what we'll need.
Ezra: What are you talking about? We're going to Heaven. You can't take it with you.
Emma: The hell I can't! [Gives the suitcases to Ezra]
NC (vo, as Ezra): Don't you know? You never mess with a Sicilian when death is on the line!
[Ezra and Emma both ascend into Heaven as well. The film fades to the Evers family driving in their car, with Madame Leota sitting at the backseat.]
Madame Leota: Angels in Heaven, together at last. The tale is well-ended for those who have passed.
NC (vo): Now that I agree with. The only people who'll leave this film happy are those who are dead.
Megan: Mom, Leota won't shut up.
Michael: Are we there yet?
NC (vo): So I guess not all the souls were taken. The really annoying ones were left behind. [The singing busts are shown to be riding on the back of the car.] And for some reason, the family decided to keep them because...
NC: Wouldn't you also want to take them home? It'd be like having a hearing aid that's also a fire alarm. [A photo of a man putting fire alarms on his ears is shown briefly.] Nothing but pleasant sounds all year round, which is definitely not what was in this film!
[Clips from the movie are shown as NC gives his final thought.]
NC (vo): What should have been a film on par with the creativity and fun of Pirates of the Caribbean instead turns out to be a series of performances, effects and story threads all set on autopilot. Yeah, everything feels half-assed with no passion put into it. And it’s really a shame. There’s a lot of possibilities with The Haunted Mansion. Hell, a lot of the characters on the ride already seem to have stories set up, so why make up this one with Eddie Murphy as the focus? With all the reboots that Disney is doing recently, this is one that desperately needs it. I mean, come on, couldn’t you see this as, like, an animated film? Like the same people who did Frozen or Wreck-It Ralph work on the story and the look? It’d be amazing. This is still an incredible opportunity waiting to happen. But until then, if ever, this is all we have: a wasted opportunity of creativity and imagination, leaving little to no impression whatsoever. Ain’t no fucking way I’m hitchhiking a ride on this wagon anytime soon.
NC: But on the plus side, I think it perfected my whispery-voiced butler. [Imitates Ramsley] Sara Evers. [Howls like a dog; several dogs howl in the background] I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
[He walks off howling as the dogs continue howling as well. We go to the credits.]
[There is an outtake of the scene where the director and porno actress walk by Zod. Tamara slaps Doug on the shoulder and goes offscreen. Doug stares at the camera for a moment, then grins playfully and also goes away, unzipping the fly. Everybody is laughing while Doug goes back.]
Channel Awesome Tagline: Ramsley: That is absurd.