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Release Date
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October 12, 2022
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Running Time
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28:50
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the 2022 NostalgiaWeen intro. We then open on a garage door with fire in front. NC's ghost quickly rises up.)
Ghost NC: Hello, I'm the ghost of the Nostalgia Critic. Behold my incredibly vague powers!
(An explosion explodes in front of him, and he laughs.)
Ghost NC: The Dark Realm is a haunting, mysterious place that I plan to take you on an adventure through! That is, if you survive. (laughs)
(We then cut to Carrotjuice (Malcolm), who is holding a clipboard.)
Carrotjuice: Yeah, you and like a dozen others. Take a number.
Ghost NC: Oh. (He picks up a number.) So, do I take a seat or...?
Carrotjuice: Anything away from my desk.
Ghost NC: Ah.
(NC sits down in the waiting room. Also in the waiting room are Mary Sanderson (Tamara), Fester Addams (Doug), and Ms. Ernst the Grand High Witch (Heather). NC lets out a sigh.)
Carrotjuice: All Roald Dahl witches report to the front!
(Ms. Ernst gets up.)
Ghost NC: Sorry about your reboot.
Ms. Ernst: So is Robert Zemeckis.
Ghost NC: Don't worry, Pinocchio will put him back on the map.
(Ms. Ernst groans. NC turns toward Mary.)
Ghost NC: Am I sorry about your reboot?
Mary Sanderson: Spirit Halloween merchandise says nope.
Ghost NC: Fair enough.
(NC turns toward Fester.)
Ghost NC: Sorry about a lot of your reboots.
Fester: Could be worse. I could be a Munster! (laughs wheezily)
(NC looks in front of him. He sees Casper, Slimer, a Gremlin, and a Martian from Spaced Invaders.)
Ghost NC: Sorry I didn't use you in more episodes.
Casper (voice of Doug): I know. I'm difficult to animate.
Carrotjuice: Hey! No talking to spooks under three feet tall!
Ghost NC: What kind of rule is that?
Carrotjuice: It's a world you can't prove exists! We can make up any rules we want!
Mary: Says you! You're not even a real member! You're a spin-off of a spin-off!
Carrotjuice: Hey! People would comment if we didn't use his character here!
Mary: I guess we're also in a recession. We should really reuse any costume we can.
Ghost NC: I'm sorry, but...what are we waiting for?
Mary: The next comedically relatable spook story.
Carrotjuice: Yeah, they were everywhere in the '80s and '90s. It's about time they made a comeback!
Ghost NC: Oh, I see. Ya think they're gonna come up with some new ideas for us?
Mary: Um...
Carrotjuice: Um...
Fester: Um...
Ghost NC: Or...are we all just waiting to get rebooted again?
Carrotjuice: All Addams Family members report to the front!
Fester: Oh, boy! Fart jokes and pop songs, here I come!
(Fester gets up.)
Ghost NC: Well, the one I'm representing ain't getting rebooted, so I'm–
Mary: Really? You're not getting rebooted?
Carrotjuice: Not even a stage musical?
Mary: Tell us what it's like.
Carrotjuice: I know we're dead, but how does it feel to not have your essence constantly gnawed at?
Ghost NC: Well, I've been doing this fifteen years. I like to decompose naturally.
Mary: Tell us more.
Ghost NC: Okay, I really do have to get back to life here.
Carrotjuice: How?
Ghost NC: Well, that rule is very simple.
(NC snaps his fingers, and has regained his corporeal form. He is now in his chair at the studio.)
NC: Ya can't kill a Walker.
(A scene from The Walking Dead appears next to him. Then it switches to a promo for the series' final season. NC hangs his head in disappointment.)
NC: Okay, maybe that's not true.
(The title card for The Frighteners appears. Cut to posters for the following movies: Little Monsters, Beetlejuice, Hocus Pocus, The Witches, and Spaced Invaders.)
NC (vo): I feel like the idea of humanizing monsters in a funny way has been around for a while but there was a really big uptick in the ‘80s and ‘90s.
(Cut to footage of The Frighteners.)
NC (vo): Peter Jackson's The Frighteners, released in 1996, was one of the films at the tail end of that trend. When it came out, I remember critics and audiences ripping it apart, with a lot of people saying, "This guy's gonna direct The Lord of the Rings?" But, like many underperforming oddball films, it got some respect over the years. (The film's review on Rotten Tomatoes is shown, with a Tomatometer score of 67% and a Popcornmeter score of 71%.) Eh... Some. So there is a small but arguably growing community who enjoy this film, and honestly, it's easy to see why. It's a very easy film to want to like. It's mixing different styles, tones, and even effects to bring something that looks both adult and gritty – but also zany and cartoony. I mean, just look at this imagery. How can you not want to know what's going on in this film, and how can it also not remind you of similar creepy kooky comedies? The film was even supposed to be another Tales from the Crypt movie, but Zemeckis liked it so much, he wanted it to be its own thing. While I don't think having that title would've saved it... (The poster for Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood pops up.) I mean, it didn't save this one. (An image of the title character from RoboCop is shown briefly.) ...it's like RoboCop; there is still something really cool about it being a trilogy. So what works, what almost works, and what the hell were they thinking? Let's take a closer look to find out.
NC: This is a film I can't say is good, no matter how much I want to: The Frighteners.
(The opening credits are shown as we open on a dark, stormy night in 1964 in the Midwestern town of Fairwater.)
NC (vo): Aw, come on. You're doing (The title card for Ghostbusters pops up.) the glowing Ghostbuster text? Don't make it harder to dismiss you than it already is, movie!
(Patricia Bradley (Dee Wallace) is shown running through her house, all the while pursued by a malevolent form that seems to be able to literally emerge from the house itself.)
NC: Yeah, so this first effect shows some of the production problems.
NC (vo): Apparently, everyone making this was so excited for it, they pushed forward its release date, which meant some of the effects had to be rushed or even outsourced out to other effects studios. And in case you're wondering, yes, this effect sucked, even for 1996.
(The form continues to chase Patricia.)
NC: The people who created Gollum, everybody!
(A clip from The Two Towers is shown, where Gollum spits. We then cut back to The Frighteners, as Patricia's mother (Julianna McCarthy) pumps a shotgun.)
Old Lady Bradley: The wicked will be punished!
NC (vo; as the entity): Oh, you read Roger Ebert's review.
(Old Lady Bradley blasts the form's head that's sticking up through the carpet on the staircase.)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we're given some backstory about a ton of deaths that suddenly seem to be happening in this Midwest New Zealand town.
Magda Rees-Jones (Elizabeth Hawthorne): The mystery heart condition that has killed over thirty people in less than four years has claimed another victim.
NC: Police are taking an eccentric approach (The letter "L" – as seen on certain newspapers – appears next to him.) to find the culprit.
NC (vo): We're introduced to Frank [Bannister], played by Michael J. Fox, who claims to be a psychic investigator.
(As Frank tries to retrieve his business cards, which have slid off the passenger seat of his car, he swerves to avoid a logging truck and instead ends up crashing through a picket fence and into someone's front yard.)
NC (vo): Eh. How come you didn't see the corner coming?
(The house's owner, Ray Lynskey, rushes outside, making a fuss about the damage Frank did.)
Ray Lynskey (Peter Dobson): (reads business card) "Psychic investigator"? How come you didn't see the corner coming?!
NC: Don't pretend you're lazy enough to do my job.
NC (vo): I know I'm in trouble when I don't even believe this guy would get upset over a garden gnome being run over.
(Frank deliberately drives his car in reverse, crushing a lawn gnome.)
Ray: Budzo! My Budzo. Oh, my Budzo.
NC (vo): This dude looks like he get upset his wife never used (An image of a Peloton exercise bike is shown.) the Peloton he got her for Christmas. The one she never asked for.
Ray: I got your license plate number, you bastard!
NC: Yeah, you got his phone number, too. (A shot of the clip where Frank gives Ray one of his business cards is shown in the corner.) He gave you his card, remember?
NC (vo): This guy is Ray Lynskey, and his wife Lucy Lynskey, played by Trini Alvarado, is helping Patricia, played by Dee Wallace, after being attacked by the People Under the Stairs.
NC: No, wait. That's like the one horror film she wasn't in.
(As he says this, the posters for Critters, Cujo, Popcorn, and The Howling are all shown.)
Lucy: (walking up to Old Lady Bradley) I'm Dr. Lynskey. I work at the medical center.
(She reaches her hand out to Old Lady Bradley's to shake it, but she is repulsed.)
Old Lady Bradley: No, you don't. I know who works there.
(An image of Carol Miller (AKA Mom) from Futurama (whom Old Lady Bradley does look like) is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo; as Old Lady Bradley): My idiot sons who run MomCorp!
(As Lucy tends to Patricia, the latter's mother walks up to them with a scowl.)
Old Lady Bradley: She was cutting the vegetables, and the knife slipped.
Patricia: It hurts.
Old Lady Bradley: To your room this instant!
NC: So, I will say, when the film gets psychotically strange, that's when it's really fun.
NC (vo): When it's familiar callbacks, we just think of the familiar callbacks, but when it's a line or delivery that's over the top and bonkers, that's when it's one of a kind.
(Old Lady Bradley shoves Lucy out the front door.)
Old Lady Bradley: I can have her locked up anytime I want to.
NC (vo; as Lucy): Well, that'll show...me? (normal) And you can't have over-the-top bonkers without a [Jake] Busey.
NC: (looks around shiftily) Well...you can, but you'd be missing a Busey.
NC (vo): Jake Busey plays Johnny Bartlett, a killer executed years ago for going on a killing spree.
TV news anchor: As they threw the switch, he was heard to scream, "I got me a score of 12! Beat that!"
NC (vo): I will say at first I thought this was clunky exposition via badly-directed news story, like "Oh, my God, what news station sounds like this?" But it turns out it's one of those exploitation VHSes focusing on murders. There's even a picture from one of Jackson's other films, Heavenly Creatures. I gotta admit, that's a pretty clever and fun way to get information across. Much better than (The VHS cover for a made-up movie called As You Know pops up.) renting this VHS.
TV news anchor: Bartlett's motive remains a mystery to this day. Twelve innocent people gunned down...
NC: Yeah, I'm sure those are gonna get more rare.
NC (vo): Things start going bump in the night, though, disrupting the Lynskeys' awkward comedy.
(The whole house and everything thing in it all come alive, which freaks the Lynskeys out. Lucy's bed floats in midair. She clings there for dear life. Her husband shows up and is horrified at what's going on.)
Ray: It's alive!
(A statue of Elvis floats past the bed.)
Lucy: Ray!
(She gets down off it and calls someone on the phone.)
Lucy: We have got the POLTERGEIST!
Ray: Well, it's nothing that the police can't handle!
(A pan hits Ray on the head, knocking him out. Cut to the TGIF logo.)
Background Singers: ♫ TGIF! ♫
(Cut back to The Frighteners, as Frank shows up at the Lynskey household, which is now a mess.)
NC (vo): They call Frank, who comes in to apparently exorcise the demons.
(As Frank looks around the room, he takes out a gun. Lucy gasps in horror. But when Frank pulls the trigger, it turns out to be a water pistol, as only water comes out.)
Frank: It's holy water.
NC (vo): Wow! This was a Tales from the Crypt movie! I guess nobody saw the joke in this film, so (The poster for the Tales from the Crypt film Bordello of Blood pops up.) Zemeckis put it in another film for nobody to see.
Lucy: Why has he an hour for this?
Frank: All I can tell is emanations are normally confined at the cemetery, although they do...escape. It's usually the young ones.
NC: Fox is a great actor, but the problem with these scenes is, they think they're funny because somebody made them funny before.
NC (vo): This is clearly the "Bill Murray inspecting the apartment" scene in Ghostbusters.
(Cut to a clip of that scene in that movie.)
NC (vo): But that was funny because we'd never see that before, and we're still not sure half the stuff he's doing is legit.
(Cut back to Frank in The Frighteners as he inspects the house the same way as Dr. Venkman.)
NC (vo): Here, he does the same thing, but literally nothing is added. I don't mind taking inspiration or even repeating a gag, as long as you change something up. Where am I even supposed to laugh here?
(Frank aims his water pistol at various spots in the house. Cut again to the TGIF logo.)
Background Singers: ♫ TGIF! ♫
NC: Yeah, even the TGIF bumper wouldn't know where to go here!
NC (vo): We see the ghosts are real, though; one, Cyrus, played by Chi McBride, and the other is Stuart, played by Jim Fyfe.
Stuart: I think I'm going to throw up!
(His cheeks inflate, before puke spews out of his ears. No, seriously.)
NC: So the afterlife turns you into a Gushers commercial. Good to know.
NC (vo): A lot of scenes kind of work like that: they show off the effect, which is usually dated if it's CGI, and then the scene just stops without any good comedy or character revealed. I was really looking forward to seeing John Astin as this cool-looking ghost who seems to have the longest connection with Frank. You think they're really gonna talk, seeing how he's thinking of retiring from haunting, but the scene just stops before it even starts.
The Judge (Astin): Too many skeletons in the closet...
NC: Every scene either ends with a bad joke or a bad effect.
NC (vo): This moment's not even a minute long. Why not let them really talk? Both of these are great actors and could do a really funny and even emotional scene. But instead, they're like, "Hey, 1996, did you know we could do this?"
(The Judge shoots Stuart, who leans aside just in time, and the bullet grazes his cheek, from which blood spews cartoonishly. Then cut to the scene from Casper where Stretch gets his nose pulled with a plunger.)
NC (vo): "Oh, you think it works better if we call it 'PG-13 Casper'? That's fair."
(Cut back to The Frighteners.)
NC (vo): Yeah, sadly, even the old school Peter Jackson gore couldn't work its way into this, because no matter how much they try to cut it down to get a PG-13, the MPAA kept giving it an R, which is laughably ridiculous. This is so clearly a PG-13 film! Jackson was so pissed that he made the death of a character ten times bloodier than written, because if he got an R rating, he was gonna goddamn take advantage of it.
(The ghosts spot a baby in a bouncing baby swing.)
Cyrus: All right, kid, quit jumping around and acting like a baby! This is serious!
(The baby stares and giggles.)
NC: Christ, even as babies, I can tell they're Peter Jackson's kids.
NC (vo): No wonder he directed Lord of the Rings. I swear this family is half-Hobbit.
(As Frank runs down a street, he runs into a man (Jackson himself), covered in ear piercings and wearing a leather jacket.)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, out of my way, I'm off to stab Nicholas Angel as Santa Christ! And I'll just say it: for all the Zemeckis-style showing off of effects in this movie, yeah, I don't blame Jackson. A lot of this has Zemeckis' stamp all over it.
NC: This is gonna be my favorite effect in the movie.
(Frank starts to cross the street, only for a car to suddenly drive up and stop short of hitting him. Frank, flying through the air, winds up on the car's hood.)
NC: How the hell did they do that?!
NC (vo): Was Fox a stuntman? They CG'd his face onto it? They just planned it out really well? I rewound this scene so many times, wondering how they achieved this simple moment more than any of the flashy effects in this movie. That took balls, man! We easily could have had...
(Cut to a clip of the seat belt PSA from New Zealand.)
NC (vo): ...foreign PSA on our hands.
(The car in the ad stops as it gets hit by another. A woman from that car, who was not wearing her seat belt, flies through the air and lands on the first car's windshield. Cut back to The Frighteners.)
NC (vo): He [Frank] runs into a familiar face, though. Ray has apparently kicked the bucket and discovers, only after death, that Frank was telling the truth. Yeah, that does raise a good question: if he can really see ghosts, why does he need to scam people?
Ray: Can you at least give me a ride so I don't miss my funeral?
(We then cut to the cemetery, where other ghosts rise from their tombs.)
NC (vo; singing as ghosts): ♫ When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones quake, / Spooks come out for a swinging wake... ♫
Master Sergeant Hiles (R. Lee Ermey): (to Frank) What the hell are you doing in my graveyard??? You have been told to stay away!
NC: In a really strange homage, I guess Jackson really wanted to pay tribute to...
(An image of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Ermey's character from Full Metal Jacket) pops up.)
NC (vo): ...Full Metal Jacket by having a character similar to R. Lee Ermey's. The original guy they got I guess didn't do that great an impression, so they just got the real R. Lee Ermey.
NC: But in a strange way, that kind of makes it more confusing. Why is it just Full Metal Jacket now?
(Sgt. Hiles gets in Frank's face. As such, the former's face covers the screen.)
Sgt. Hiles: Sound off like you've got up here!
Frank: Yeah, well, it's a public place, Hiles.
Sgt. Hiles: I do not like you. You cannot bring your spooks in here without my permission!
NC: (creeped out) And goddammit, Jackson! (Images of Sgt. Hiles and Gandalf, with their faces covering the screen, are shown.) Why do you always want your actors to kiss me?!
Sgt. Hiles: (pointing at Frank) That makes me physically ill!
NC (vo; as Sgt. Hiles): I'm not supposed to be here for another 22 years! (normal) Speaking of typecasting, hello, dumb cop, who always plays dumb cop.
(The cop in question, Sheriff Walt Perry (Troy Evans), walks up next to Frank.)
Perry: You're on business, I guess.
Frank: Not exactly.
NC: And like R. Lee Ermey, he plays his one part well.
(The sheriff watches as Frank stands crazily over the open grave of Ray. The sheriff is confused.)
NC (vo): He gave a look like, "Yeah, that's what people do." Frank meets up with a mourning Lucy, and Ray pleads with him to tell her he's still around.
Lucy: (to Frank) Perhaps you might have a...a message from Ray?
Frank: Ray says he loves you very much.
(Lucy stares as emotional music plays.)
NC: (as Lucy) Well, nobody could make that up. This guy is for real!
NC (vo): They go to...Medieval Times? Yeah, I have no idea why they go to this kind of restaurant. It doesn't play into the story at all. There's not even like a joke about it.
(At Medieval Times, Frank and Lucy are about to have dinner. The ghost of Ray appears, as does the waiter.)
Waiter: May I offer you some wine?
Ray: (whispering) We always have red.
Lucy: White! I've never been fond of red.
Ray: Lucy!
NC: How am I supposed to pay attention to what they're saying...
NC (vo): ...at the Sheriff of Nottingham's? It's so weird they don't do anything with this. It'd be like in...
(Cut to a clip of the following...)
NC (vo): ...Cable Guy, if they went to Medieval Times and they were like...
(Standing before the entrance to Medieval Times, the Cable Guy covers Steven's face with his hand.)
Cable Guy: Open... (takes hand away) sesame!
Steven: (confused) Medieval Times?
(The Cable Guy makes a fanfare noise. Cut to the next day.)
Steven: What a night.
NC: How random would that be?
NC (vo): He [Frank] does get an unexpected visitor when another person has a number on their head and is killed by a workshop Nazgûl.
(In the bathroom at Medieval Times, Frank spots the man with the number 38 on his forehead as a Grim Reaper-like entity reaches out of the bathroom mirror and crushes the man's heart.)
NC: Aw, you missed Dollar Store Morpheus (An image of Morpheus in the bathroom from The Matrix Resurrections is shown in the corner.) saying, "Sorry about the callback."
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes as Frank chases after the entity, driving down the road as he does so.)
NC (vo): While chasing after the hooded menace, leading to the one legit creepy moment...
(The entity flies in the path of Frank's car and right through it, revealing the ghosts of Cyrus and Stuart in the back seat.)
NC: All right, that was pretty good.
NC (vo): ...the sheriff calls in a so-called expert, FBI agent Milton Dammers, played by Jeffrey Combs.
Milton: (to Lucy) At what time precisely did Bannister leave for the bathroom? (points to Lucy) You.
NC: So, here's a perfect example of the film working best when it's just goddamn crazy.
NC (vo): I have no idea what this guy's deal is. I don't know if he's supposed to be an eccentric genius or a psychic or maybe even a lower-tier agent the FBI just wants to keep far away. But his performance is so bizarre and so hard to make sense of, it's the most enjoyable thing in the flick.
(A montage of scenes with Milton is shown.)
Milton: You know nothing about Frank Bannister! / I have a problem with women yelling. / I get all the fruity cases. / You are violating the my territorial bubble. / You claim he's a bona-fide psychic, yet all I've heard is a lot of ill-informed meandering waffles!
NC: He looks like Colin Farrell...
(As we cut back to Milton, an image of Farrell as the Penguin in The Batman is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo): ...halfway putting his Penguin makeup on, like he's slowly becoming (An image of Adolf Hitler with Jim Carrey's head replaces the image of Farrell.) Adolf Carrey! I can't make heads or tails of him, but he certainly had a vision, went all the way with it, and is constantly entertaining whenever he's on screen.
Milton: Bannister purchased seven new blades on the corner of 3rd and Garrett.
(The image freezes as the title for a made-up show called Bizarro Monk appears in the corner.)
NC (vo; announcer voice): We'll be back to Bizarro Monk after these messages.
(The TGIF logo is shown in the corner again.)
Background Singers: ♫ Check it right here! ♫
NC (vo): Frank witnesses another person die at a museum and sees the editor of the town paper is next. But the Judge is there to fight him off. You know, with...dead...bullets. Yeah, I have no idea how this world works. But oh, no, he suddenly wants to hump a mummy! Yeah, that's what we're going with!
(The Judge spots a sarcophagus containing the mummy in question and runs inside to hump it. As we cut back to NC, promo images for Mummies Alive! and the original Addams Family are shown.)
NC: Well, now we know what the Mummies Alive! meets Addams Family porno spoof would look like.
(The police try to shoot at Frank, but misses like crazy, shattering glass and destroying artifacts. Frank ducks down to avoid the shattered glass and being shot.)
NC (vo): Yeah, we have our guns set to everything in the museum but Michael J. Fox. Why?
(Meanwhile, the Judge emerges from the sarcophagus.)
The Judge: I like it when they lie still like that.
NC: (creeped out) Eww! You're making Gomez scary for completely different reasons than he should!
NC (vo): Frank tries to get the editor to someplace safe.
(The editor tries to attack Frank, but he punches her so hard that he knocks her out. Then he grabs her and drapes her over his shoulder to carry her out.)
NC: Well, safer.
(As Frank leaves the museum with the editor, the entity gives chase. As Frank runs up to his car, the entity tries to grab them, but Frank ducks and the entity flies overheard.)
NC (vo): Oh, no! He can't just turn around and get her!
(Frank puts the editor in the car and gets in himself before peeling out, the entity not there anymore. The car drives down the road at a fast clip.)
NC (vo): Oh, okay, I guess he really can't. The monster does eventually catch up with them, though, and takes her life. Once again, Milton gets probably the funniest scene in the movie.
Milton: I seriously doubt we will see Mr. Bannister any time soon. The man is resourceful beyond anything you could comprehend–
(Before he can finish, however, Frank himself shows up at the police station, having turned himself in because he is implicated in the murders going on.)
Sheriff Perry: Hello, Frank.
NC: Can every scene just be that guy?
NC (vo): Frank turns himself in and asks probably the most important question in the film...
Frank: (seeing Lucy) Do you know me?
NC: (shrugs) Not really, no. (shakes head)
NC (vo): We don't know that much about him, which wouldn't be bad if we liked him or found him interesting, but again, these scenes are so short and so focused on the effects, we really don't get a feel for what he's like. They hint in the next scene he might be a psychopath who sees these ghosts as a hallucination and is actually the killer, even killing his wife years ago. He also pretends that he (mocking voice) doesn't love Lucy.
Frank: That cozy little scene in the restaurant was, uh...bullshit. I don't give a damn about you. I don't give a damn about anybody.
NC (vo): Even though he's only known her for only a day, and she just lost her husband! But I guess we're supposed to see him as an honorable scammer for that. It's not that the character's too unlikable, it's that the film doesn't make me care, because it doesn't give him a personality to care about.
NC: And for me to not care about a Michael J. Fox personality, a guy who just illuminates charm, that's impressive.
(Lucy returns to the Bradleys' home.)
NC (vo): Forget about the Patricia character? That's okay, so did the movie. She hasn't shown up in almost an hour.
Old Lady Bradley: (seeing Patricia in her room, surprised) What are you doing in my room?
NC (vo; as Old Lady Bradley): I never drink wine!
Patricia: I'll make you some coffee.
NC: (laughs) She's in (A shot of the surprised Old Lady Bradley appears in the corner.) constant surprised Scooby-Doo face, like (holds up his hands over his head like Scooby-Doo's ears; as Scooby) "Ehh?"
(The entity emerging from the house itself goes after Lucy.)
NC (vo; as Old Lady Bradley): And call the exterminator! We have Spider-Mans in the wall again!
(The ghost of Ray appears as Lucy flees.)
Ray: Lucy, go!
NC (vo): Ray gets killed by the creature. Aww, just when I...remembered he was in this. And Lucy goes to visit Frank in jail. Yeah, you can visit the suspected killer in his cell alone.
Lucy: Do you think that you're the only person who's ever lost somebody? Because you walk around like you don't have any feelings. But the truth is that you're just scared!
NC: Why are you acting like you had so many conversations and you know each other?!
NC (vo): You talked twice. You husband died – twice! Yeah, he was an asshole, but his funeral was, like, a day ago! Process something!
Frank: I don't wanna...hurt you, Lucy.
NC (vo; as Frank): We have so many memories together: your husband dying, the dinner where we talked about your husband dying, you entering that door a minute ago.
(As Frank and Lucy hug, he pulls back as the number 41 appears on Lucy's forehead.)
Lucy: (confused) What is it, Frank?
(The entity comes for Lucy, but some of Frank's ghost colleagues appear to stop it.)
NC (vo): She gets a number, too, but his ghost friends fight the creature off.
(Frank breaks open his cell door. A guard standing in front of it gets hit in the face, knocking him down. Frank and Lucy emerge.)
NC: Jesus, this prison is easier to break out of than the one in Cobra Kai.
NC (vo): Well, maybe one of the other cops will stop him.
(Frank and Lucy run through the prison, eventually reaching the garage holding the police cars. One car has its hood open as two mechanics work on it. Lucy runs one way, Frank another. He sees Lucy running off.)
Frank: No, no! (Lucy turns toward him.) This way! Come on! (She runs after him.)
NC (vo; as one mechanic): Hey, you, halt! Eh, we tried. (as second mechanic) I didn't. (normal) I swear, this moment of Fox realizing he needs a near-death experience to fight this off was shot in a minute.
NC: Listen to how rushed this delivery is...
(Outside, the video plays fast as Frank speaks normally.)
Frank: I can't fight him, Luc. I can't protect you. (takes out gun) There's only one way to deal with this thing: I gotta have an out-of-body experience.
NC: (director voice) Cut! Perfect.
Offscreen voice (presumably Fox): Really?
NC: (director voice) There's no time to care. We have like eighty more shots to shoot. Let's go!
(Frank puts the gun to his head, planning to kill himself, but Lucy intervenes.)
NC (vo): Lucy stops him and says she can slow his heartbeat by freezing him and bringing him back to life in twenty minutes.
(Lucy puts Frank in a freezer. With his heart slowing from taking in drugs, his ghost emerges from his body.)
NC (vo): It works, but the missing Third Rock from the Sun alien finds her and tries to stop her from bringing him back.
(As Milton Dammers captures Lucy so that Frank will die for good, the entity, resembling the Grim Reaper, appears and tries to attack. However, Frank's ghost shows up in the nick of time.)
NC (vo; as Frank): Hey, hey! Only I get to cop a feel!
(Frank tackles the entity, knocking them both down and tearing the latter's cloak to shreds.)
NC (vo): Milton then reveals...uh...this bombshell, I guess...
(At the cemetery where Ray is buried, Milton shucks his coat, revealing his body damaged and an inverted pentagram (the symbol of Satanism) burnt onto it.)
Milton: My body is a road map of pain.
(Cut to a woman in another movie.)
Woman: Who are you?
(Cut back to Milton in The Frighteners.)
NC (vo): I don't know what's going on either, but by God, I love watching this guy thinking he does.
Milton: The power...of the mind...is absolute.
NC: I want to turn you into an app. (takes his phone) I'm having a real bad day. I just load you up on the phone, like...
(Milton appears on NC's phone, babbling incoherently.)
NC: (drops phone, smiling) Boom! Instantly better.
NC (vo): The creature slices through the drill instructor, which works out well for Frank, who steals his guns.
(The Reaper-like entity tries to attack Frank and Lucy, but Frank blasts the entity away with Sgt. Hiles' machine guns.)
NC (vo): Of course! Ghost guns have unlimited ammunition! You know, I'll give credit: seeing ghost Fox shoot up the Reaper with machine guns is pretty sweet. It doesn't have to make sense as long as it's awesome.
(As Frank shoots the entity, its cloak is tattered. However, it reveals creepy faces to seem all too familiar to Frank.)
NC (vo): But big surprise: the creature was Johnny Bartlett! Well...yeah, is there literally anybody else it could be? Think it was gonna be his dead wife?
NC: (points to camera) Shit, actually would have been a twist.
(Several other ghosts emerge to gather around the remains of the entity. One ghost looks like he's played by Patrick Stewart.)
NC (vo; as this ghost): Uh, Mr. Stewart, Picard is being ruined on Stage Five.
(Suddenly, the pieces of shredded cloak sink into the cracks in the ground.)
Frank: (alarmed) Shit!
NC (vo): He escapes, though, and before Frank can take him out, he's brought back to life.
(In the freezer where Frank is, he suddenly comes to as Lucy revives him with a defibrillator.)
NC (vo; as Frank): I was fro– Oh, wait, that was the other guy. (normal) They figure Patricia might be the next victim, but it turns out she was in on it all along.
(The ghost of Johnny Bartlett appears next to Patricia as they stare at Lucy.)
Johnny: I want to kill her now, Patty. That'll give us 41. That's eight clear cases.
Patricia: Yes!
NC: Now, I'd be lying if I said I followed this, because...what? He was...
NC (vo): ...chasing her around in the opening just for show? Why didn't she leave the mother earlier? Has she just been switching back and forth the whole time? To me, it raises a lot more questions, and I could be missing something, but honestly, it doesn't matter because, again, these two bring much needed lunacy and spontaneity.
NC: Like Milton, they are just so much fun to watch.
(Johnny leers at Patricia.)
Patricia: You can help.
(Johnny enters Patricia's body, which seems to excite her.)
NC (vo; as Patricia): Oh, he's literally doing my brain! (normal) Plus, I do love that everyone thinks she's a killer, the film is trying to convince us everybody's closed-minded, and that it turns out she is a killer. I kinda love how twisted that is.
(Patricia chases after Lucy, holding a knife menacingly. Lucy shuts the door in Patricia's face, only for Johnny to try and capture her through the rug in the hall. Frank, however, shows up and throws the rug over the side of the stair railing.)
NC (vo; as Johnny): No! My carpet powers– (normal) Yeah, I'm sorry, you need some rules if you're not gonna be funny or scary.
(Frank and Lucy trap Johnny in an urn and then flee to the abandoned sanitorium, intending to use its chapel to banish him back to Hell.)
Frank: (looking around at the sanitorium) Where is this place?
NC (vo): On that note, the climax does get a little fun and creative as they have to get Johnny's ashes to a chapel in a hospital. Yeah, I don't know. But Frank starts seeing visions of the shooting years ago. (sighs) Yeah, again, I don't know. But these two are a hoot, and Milton's thrown back into the mix.
(Patricia catches up with Frank, holding a shotgun as she does, and Johnny's ghost enters her body again.)
Johnny: (peeking out, to Frank) You're next, pal.
NC: Well, they do strangely have better chemistry than Lucy and Frank.
(Frank peeks out through a broken door in the style of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.)
NC (vo; as Frank): Heeeere's Foxy!
Milton: I'm an asshole. (draws an uzi) With an uzi!
(He opens fire on Frank, wounding him. Then he steals the urn.)
NC (vo): Okay, so, remember that death I was talking about that Jackson made extra bloody so he could feel the R rating was worth it?
NC: Of course it's Milton's!
(Frank sees Patricia aiming her shotgun at him. He ducks down as Patricia fires. She misses and ends up killing Milton, blowing up his head and throwing blood around everywhere. Milton is now a ghost himself. However, Milton's death is covered by a censored bar with text on it reading: "I DUNNO, IT STILL LOOKS PG-13 TO ME. BUT I CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE ON YOUTUBE".)
NC: It's official: nothing about this character was subtle!
(Patricia fatally strangles Frank, but now a ghost for real, he retaliates by pulling her soul from her body.)
NC (vo): Frank realizes they were the ones who killed his wife and carved the number into her head, so he tries taking Patricia with him to the afterlife, but Johnny pulls her back.
Johnny: Bye, Frank!
(But before they can return to Earth, they see they are in the mouth of a demonic creature.)
NC (vo): Oh, God, we're in Jake Busey's father's colon!
(The creature's many tongues wrap themselves around Johnny and Patricia, preventing them from escaping, and then the creature closes its mouth over them, sealing their fate once and for all.)
NC (vo): They're dragged to tentacle hentai Hell...
NC: Hey, to some people, that's Heaven.
NC (vo): ...and Frank's friends and even his wife tells him he's not ready to perish yet.
(Frank starts to fall backwards, away from Heaven.)
Debra (Angela Bloomfield): Be happy.
NC (vo; as Debra): But don't date any other women than–
(Suddenly, Frank comes to back on Earth, Lucy staring at him.)
NC (vo; as Frank): Hey, you want to get married? (as Lucy) Sure, I forgot I even had a husband.
Sheriff Perry: (to Frank) What do you know about Ouija boards?
NC (vo): It looks Milton is forced to be the sheriff's guardian angel, and even Lucy now has the power to see ghosts.
(As "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult plays in the background, Lucy playfully chases Frank while holding a picnic blanket over her head.)
NC (vo): She does this blanket thing because...that's a solid ending.
(The end credits roll.)
NC (vo): And The Frighteners finally ends.
NC: Yeah. Like I said, I want to like this movie, and maybe maybe there's a version out there I will.
(Footage from The Frighteners plays out one more time as NC gives his final thoughts.)
NC (vo): I hear there's a director's cut that added 14 minutes. Who knows? Maybe that might be the right amount to put back in because that's my biggest problem. Everything just feels rushed and never given a moment to breathe...or stop breathing. A lot of critics said this film was trying to be a horror flick, a comedy, a special effects slasher movie, and it's not very good at any of them. I agree, but I admire it for trying. I think there is a good film buried in here. Maybe it's not even that deep, as I'm hearing more and more people are discovering and enjoying it. For me, I think it's similar to Mars Attacks! – how I didn't really like that movie, but how could I hate something where Tom Jones saves the world? I don't like it, but how can I truly hate it? Just the bizarre mix of cartoony and gritty imagery is too interesting to entirely dismiss. Had the film focused more on the crazier moments like the scenes with Bartlett, Patricia and Milton, I think it could've been great. As is, I guess it's halfway between unjustly irrelevant and justly irrelevant.
NC: Oh, speaking of which, I should see if my number's been called.
(NC drops down on the desk, and is once more in ethereal form. He rushes to the reception desk.)
Ghost NC: Hey! Has my number been called yet?
Carrotjuice: Oh, bad news, buddy. We all got rebooted.
Ghost NC: Oh. Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Isn't that what you all wanted?
Carrotjuice: We're being rebooted by Rob Zombie.
(We go to NC, who is dancing with Carrotjuice, Mary, Ms. Ernst, and Fester. The background is like a vibrant kaleidoscope, and upbeat techno music is playing in the background.)
Ms. Ernst: You know, for such a dark director, you think the colors would be down a bit.
(Michael Myers suddenly walks in from the right.)
Michael Myers: DIE!!!
(Myers punches NC in the gut.)
Ghost NC: (groaning in pain) Did Michael Myers just talk?!
Channel Awesome Tagline – Milton Dammers: (beatbox)
(The credits roll.)