The Dark Knight Strikes Again Part 2
March 22, 2010
Part 1 barely featured Batman in it. In Part 2 we wish Frank Miller had continued that trend.
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (suddenly looks up in thought) Say... (takes out and examines pocket watch) It's Miller time!
(The "Miller Time" title is displayed)
Linkara: Welcome once again to "Miller Time", where we study the ever-growing insanity of comic book writer and comic and artist Frank Miller.
(Cut to black)
Linkara (v/o): Previously on the "Dark Knight Strikes Again" review...
(A montage of shots of that comic is shown)
Linkara (v/o): In the dystopian future that served as a sequel to "The Dark Knight Returns", the Dark Knight's contribution was to beat up Superman and talk about how friggin' awesome it is not having any superpowers. We'll ignore the fact that he's punching Superman with gloves that are no doubt designed to enhance strength. But what else happened? Well, Lex Luthor has taken over America with the assistance of Brainiac and somehow conned Superman, Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel to work with him, a plot point that made me laugh out loud for its ludicrousness, until I realized that Frank Miller was being serious. Also, Carrie Kelley took on the idiotic moniker of Cat Girl and began a campaign of freeing other superheroes like the Atom, who she vomited up, and The Flash, who was given a stupid new black costume. Oh, lest I forget, I could barely understand that any of that was happening, since we were bogged down by terrible artwork, nauseating colors, and pointless interludes where we watched Jimmy Olsen bitching every five minutes about how sucky the world is.
Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up comic of review) "The Dark Knight Strikes Again Part Two" and see how much worse it can get.
(Title sequence plays; title card has "La Resistance" from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut playing over it; cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): This cover is moronic. It's a mishmash of styles, kind of like when you have a really bad green screen effect, which viewers of my show should be very familiar with. The heads of Superman and Wonder Woman are up in a corner, where they're just about to kiss, although with Frank Miller's hyper-stylised art, it looks more like two fish are about to make out. Oh, and for some reason, Wonder Woman's wearing an earring with the Superman logo. Yes, the spirit and champion of truth is now reduced to Superman's groupie. Dear Lord, I hate this comic! Anyway, the background has these beams of light that actually look kind of pretty. It's once again an example of digital painting and Photoshop, but hey, it looks nice, certainly a lot better than the crap in the foreground. But what seals our confusion is the "DK2" thing that's now on fire with blue flames for some reason. I don't get it.
Linkara: Well, since we're reviewing "The Dark Knight Strikes Again"... again, (puts down comic) it's time to once more bring out (puts on a second pair of glasses) the "brainy specs" and do some analysis. So... (takes comic again) let's begin!
Linkara (v/o): We open to... a woman's ass with the Superman logo on it.
Linkara: (taking off the brainy specs and putting them aside) Okay, screw the analysis, this thing sucks!
Linkara (v/o): I just... (chuckles) You know, it's funny. My review of part one is the first time I got real, genuine hate from a few commenters...
(Cut to two shots of different irate comments on Linkara's videos)
Linkara (v/o): ...one person saying that Frank Miller deserved a free pass on everything he's done because of his contributions to the comic book industry. Yet, no one was bitching when I made fun of Stan Lee in my "Nightcat #1" review. Another, in a comment on a later video, said that the only reason I go after certain subjects like Frank Miller is to spark controversy and drive views up.
(Back to the shot of the woman's naked rear end with the Superman logo on it)
Linkara (v/o): And yet, this is the comic that has made them mad: the comic that opens with a naked woman bearing a Superman logo on her ass! THIS is the comic whose honor I have dared to impugn! How dare I attack this comic! Why, I'm just a prima donna, aren't I?
(Cut back to the comment from the "Scarlett" review)
Linkara (v/o): The Bee Gees can get away with this... Yes, this person genuinely tried to compare me to the Bee Gees... but ME?! I'll never be that popular!
Linkara: Though, ironically, the coloring for this comic does kind of remind me of "Technicolor Dreams".
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the "point" of this scene is actually that it's the cover to the Daily Planet magazine, with its rich Times New Roman font for its title, and it asks the question: "Superhero Chic – How far will it go?" What I really love about this cover is that there's nothing else, just the one story and then naked purple lady with Superman logo on her rear end.
(Cut to a clip of Superman IV, showing the headline for a paper from the Daily Planet: "Summit Kaput! Is World At Brink?")
Linkara (v/o): Come on! Not even a good old "Summit Kaput"?
Perry White: (looking at paper) Hideous! Abominable!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the running subplot, as we see on this next page with Black Canary here... God, I wish the real Black Canary could see this so she could kick this woman right in the face! ...is that there's a quasi-fashion trend thing going on. The youth of America are seeing more and more superheroes and are dressing up like them and taking on their own bombastic names and personalities. And how is this represented in the comic? With the, quote-unquote, "super chicks" actually being pretty much webcam strip shows.
Linkara: The revolution will not be televised, but it will be available for $4.99 per minute.
Linkara (v/o): We once again have decided not to worry about the actual superheroes and stuff, but instead focus on talking heads. We begin with Chris Matthews. I don't know why, Miller just throws the stuff out there.
Matthews: Just when you thought it was safe to get off your sorry butt and haul it out of the house, we've got crazy people running around in costumes that look like they're sprayed on! Are they heroes--or are they assholes?
Linkara: Well, in Batman's case, it's both.
Linkara (v/o): The rest of the talking heads... I have no clue who they are. There's this young guy who's got a permanent five o'clock shadow who thinks it's all about the polls. Then there's this snobby, uptight guy.
Snobby, uptight guy: Oh, pish-tosh. The American people are a drooling pack of troglodytes. This is exhibitionism, pure and simple. Symptomatic of the coarsing of our culture.
(Cut to a clip of a Saturday Night Live skit, themed to MSNBC's "Hardball", with Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews)
Matthews: (to Amy Sanborn (Amy Poehler)) I've known you for three seconds, I'm already bored!
(Cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): And then there's this guy– YAAAAH!! What the hell's wrong with this dude's face?! Geez, there's gotta be someone else who I can– YAAAH!! Lady, you went overboard with the eye drops! Anyway, Scary-Eyes Lady says that the, quote-unquote, "Superchix"... Ugh! ...are putting their lives in mortal danger and that this means something to them. Yes, I'm sure it's very meaningful to them, which is why they're doing live chats instead of, you know, something useful. This goes on for four pages, by the way, three of which are dominated by the "Superchix". Some new commenters join in, like Velma from Scooby-Doo and this freak who comments that Black Canary is hot.
Linkara: I hope in the future that news shows have eject buttons that allow you to shoot morons into the dumpster outside the studio.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the "point" of this whole conversation comes down to the fact that the holographic president has banned the Superchix. What's that mean, he won't let their concert through? They can't wear costumes? What? Oh, and I guess these Superchix are also a band and not Internet porn stars? I don't know, none of this makes any friggin' sense! On this page, we got even more talking heads, some of whom are just stereotypical cartoon characters, for crying out loud, and GOD, this is stupid! Look, fine, let's say for the sake of argument that you need this kind of "news segment" to comment on a culture war that Batman is fighting and how the public reacts to his return. Fine, let's grant that, but can we be consistent about how this little news program works? Are they all in the same room? The uptight guy seems irritated that Jimmy Olsen has barged into the conversation. Is he in the studio with him? Is he hijacking the broadcast? Why do we have all these reactions on the street? Do they just keep cutting to them between sentences? Are they all happening at once?! Is someone interviewing them?! GAH!!
(Cut to a clip of Batman Forever)
Bruce Wayne: It just raises too many questions.
(Cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): We're rescued from the McLaughlin group nightmare by a two-page spread. And I'll say it: this Batmobile here is friggin' awesome! That thing is just badass, gloriously retro and futuristic! However, much like our old pal "Titans #1", you're going to notice an awful lot of two-page spreads and splash pages in this comic, so let's revive our old drinking game of taking a shot whenever we see them. Start with three swigs right away, because six pages in a row are two-page spreads! Mind you, they might have terrible backgrounds, but they do convey in a badass manner, the Batmobile flying right through the window of a government building, though judging from this page, Batman has just killed about a dozen agents of the Men In Black. Batman and Carrie come rushing, Carrie sporting a kick-ass gauntlet that shoots out Batarangs. You know, much as I hate the Cat Girl costume, could they at least figure out what the hell it's supposed to look like? This tiger stripe thing is like the third outfit they've pulled! And it doesn't make her look like a superhero, but a Tony the Tiger cosplayer.
Linkara: Consistency: it's (imitating Tony the Tiger, raising his fist) GRRRRRRREAT!
Linkara (v/o): So, after beating up members of Luthor's staff, Batman finally comes to Luthor himself, knockin' the crap out of the old hunchback. How did he find out where Luthor was, exactly? Eh, he's Batman; I'll buy that excuse.
Batman: Feel that shudder, Luthor? It wasn't an earthquake. It was your database. The one you kept on nearly every human being there is.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the random emphasis. Here...
Batman: (heavily emphasizing the emphasized words) Feel that shudder, Luthor? It wasn't an earthquake. It was your database. The one you kept on nearly every human being there is. The one that let you blackmail, terrorize, bribe or murder everybody who opposed your little hostile takeover of the planet. It's gone.
Linkara (v/o): Wow, this is badass! He even says that he took out all of his backups for that database! This is the Batman we've wanted since the beginning. All righty, he's attacked Luthor right where he feels safe. Now he even cuts a Z into his face! Gruesome, admittedly, but hey, I'm a nerd for the Zorro thing. What's he gonna do now? He... leaves. Just... leaves...
Linkara: (confused) That was it? That was the plan? Strike a terrifying blow to Luthor, confront him in person, wag your finger in his face and say, "Bad Luthor!", and then just haul ass??
Linkara (v/o): Don't get me wrong; brilliant tactical maneuvers: struck fear in the heart of the enemy, made him feel weak and powerless. But what's the follow-up?! This doesn't topple his regime! In fact, it drives Luthor to extremes he probably wouldn't have gone to before and leads to people dying! How can Batman be so damn smart and yet so damn stupid?! This should have been the climax of the story right here: Batman swoops in, big hero moment, Luthor demands to know how he did it, and his response? "I'm Batman."
Linkara: But no! Instead, we have a scene that's just out of place and serves no purpose other than to remind us that Batman is that damn awesome! Hey, news flash for you, Frank: WE ALREADY KNOW THAT ABOUT BATMAN!!
Linkara (v/o): We have another quick recruitment of another former superhero: this time, Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man, while he does a commercial for the chemical that gives him his super stretchy powers called Gingold.
Dibny: Elongate your love life, fellas!
Linkara: And yet, a wrinkled old superhero talking about this is still less disturbing than those "Smilin' Bob Natural Male Enhancement" commercials. (shudders)
Linkara (v/o): Up at the North Pole, Wonder Woman is walking around, expositing how the Fortress of Solitude was destroyed by Luthor and Brainiac. Then, for some reason, she falls down a big chasm instead of just flying out to Superman directly. From what I can tell, she can't fly in this comic, which is stupid on many levels, but we'll ignore that for now, since Miller is apparently going for some weird Silver Age thing with this comic, and back in those days, Wondy couldn't fly. However, we didn't have the telepathy that yet again is never explained and is difficult to follow since the text boxes for either character are the exact same color! Supes is all sad and mopey in the snow, still injured from being beat up by Batman in the last issue. The two talk about the fact that they have a daughter named Laura, who's kept secret from Luthor and Brainiac, out of fear that they'd try to make her work for them as well. This just further reminds me of the idiocy of having any of these people working for Luthor or Brainiac, and not even entertaining the idea of working from within to overthrow them! In fact, it's Wonder Woman who has to telepathically tell Superman that they're waiting for an opportunity to take them down, but Supes is all beaten and downtrodden. Ugh, let's just move on. Take a shot!
Superman: Bruce broke me down into pieces like I was a high school geometry project.
Linkara: (as Superman) The worst part is that he got a C- on that project.
Linkara (v/o): So what does Diana do? She PUNCHES him, since, of course, that's the smartest to do to the guy who already looks like his face has been under a meat tenderizer for hours. Oh, and this is the moment where she finally says something instead of caption boxes, but then we're right back to the caption boxes!
Wonder Woman: (narrating) Where is the man who stole my Amazon heart? Where is the hero who threw me to the ground and took me as his rightful prize?
(Linkara glowers at the camera, then cut to the "Hardball" sketch on SNL)
Chris Matthews: I'm go gonna go ahead and assume you know why that's stupid and move on.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): So now the two have sex. Oh, we don't see a single thing. Apparently, Superman's cape has become big enough to encompass two individuals. But what gets me is what happens during this: after five splash pages – start downing your drinks, people – their banging in the air has caused typhoons, earthquakes, the oceans to overturn aircraft carriers, and then somehow they end up in the water. Wow, Frank! Just... wow! I thought I read stupid before, but then I read a comic where Superman and Wonder Woman banged so hard they alter the weather itself! Anyway, now they're underwater for some reason.
Wonder Woman: (narrating) Goodness. Mr. Kent, you could populate a planet.
(Linkara repeatedly slaps himself in the face with the comic)
Wonder Woman: (narrating) I'm pregnant again.
Linkara: How the hell does she know? Doesn't it usually take longer than that?
Linkara (v/o): And so they go leaping off. Oh, and all of Superman's injuries are healed, because, you know, sex is great for reconstructive surgery. However, afterwards, they're interrupted by the head of Lex Luthor, who needs Superman to deal with an incoming giant alien invasion. Said alien invasion slaughters several people, and guess what? The alien is in fact Brainiac, so this is the result of Batman not actually having a plan for stopping Lex Luthor right there. He's going to stage an attack and get Superman to be publicly humiliated and defeated to make superheroes look useless. According to the talking heads, hundreds have been slaughtered by this thing. What's Batman's reaction to this?
Batman: ...it's anything but trouble--for us. This'll keep those Justice League kapos good and busy-- and out of our hair.
Linkara: (smiling) Our hero, cares nothing for the people being killed by this thing!
Linkara (v/o): Instead, Batman sees this as the perfect opportunity to storm Arkham Asylum and grab another superpowered pal of his.
Batman: (narrating) Stay grim. Don't break into a run. Don't laugh like a schoolboy. Don't let them know how much fun you're having.
Linkara (v/o): Yes, have fun while people die and– wait, what the hell's going on with the pixels on his face? Great, did somebody catch your missing number? The comic's starting to glitch out! So, while the Bat Crew is talking, we have some more talking heads, including the MAD Magazine mascot... Sure, why not? ...and this...
Anime-looking girl with lavender hair: Hugely large alien spaceship attack whole big planet!!! Coming up next on Super Manga Giant Big News!!! Now, baby, tonight!!! I'm cool and hard-boiled!!
Linkara: (cradling his head) Oh, how I wish Sailor Moon would just walk out, twirl around fifty times, and release a whole bunch of sparkly things that make this END.
Linkara (v/o): It seems somebody at DC slapped Frank's hand off the keyboard for a second and told him, "Stop making our flagship character look bad!", because Superman goes badass in front of the alien frog thing and just laughs off its initial attack. Oh, but why would we want a superhero battle when instead we could have more satire, this time with people enhancing the stripper idea of the Superchix band... Maybe they are webcam strippers... with a creepy-looking guy saying that...
Creepy-looking guy: (holding up a star) Wonder Chick gave me this. She peeled it right off her butt and gave it to me.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and then, Jay Leno. Why? How? He doesn't even say anything. What do you want from me, Jay Leno?! WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?!? Anyway, over to Batman scaling the wall of Arkham Asylum, where we get a whole bunch of exposition about how the inmates basically took over the asylum five years ago... which makes no sense since this is supposed to take place three years after "The Dark Knight Returns", and Arkham was just fine in that book, but whatever. We'll enjoy a skewed timeline when we get back to "All-Star Batman and Robin"... and since then have basically degenerated into cannibalism. Oh, and take a shot. And the reason they're here? To free Plastic Man, who apparently was imprisoned in there some time ago. Who the hell was running the equipment that kept them there? The degenerate, deranged inmates? Oh, and naturally, what brings him out of his brief insanity after being stuck in a single shape for so many years? One punch from Batman.
Linkara: You know, Frank, there are other superheroes that can be awesome besides Batman.
Linkara (v/o): Can you believe we're only now hitting the halfway point? Even if eleven pages have been wordless, one-panel pages, that really says something. Anyway, Plastic Man is recruited, and we cut to someone resembling the Joker, who kills off the superhero known as The Guardian. The Guardian was another superhero created by Joe Kirby and Jack Simon...
(Editor's note: "Jack Kirby and Joe Simon, moron.")
Linkara (v/o): ...the same guys who made "Captain America". Thanks, Frank! Why is this scene necessary? What does it add to the plot? Well, we get to have a subplot of Not Joker, since the Joker was killed in "The Dark Knight Returns", killing off superheroes. Trust me when I say that his ultimate identity will just leave you confused and irritated when all is said and done. So Superman continues fighting Brainiac-Frog, who now has pixel eyes for some reason, and finally realizes that it's Brainiac, and he explains their plan of humiliating him so people will stop believing in superheroes. He once again threatens to destroy the Bottle City of Kandor if he doesn't run away right now. Superman doesn't want any more people to die, so he compromises by saying that he won't run away, but he won't fight back either. Naturally, Superman doesn't bother to think that Brainiac is just gonna cause rapid amounts of collateral damage as he's beat down. Wait a second, a thought just occurred to me. What does Brainiac get out of all this?
Linkara: He's a freakin' supercomputer, all about emotionless logic and junk! Why the hell is he dicking around with Lex Luthor on a single world when he's supposed to be bopping around the universe, shrinking down cities and shoving them in bottles?!
Linkara (v/o): Back in the Batcave, Barry Allen is arguing with Bruce, wanting to go out and save lives, since, you know, they're superheroes.
Bruce: Man, you're as THICK as CLARK is! That ROBOT is a TRICK--to FLUSH US OUT--so they can KILL us! This is MY show! MY war! We follow MY strategy!
(Cut once again to Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews on SNL)
Matthews: That's a good point. Oh, wait, no, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Bruce continues bitching that he was looking in the wrong direction, that he should have been thinking big picture throughout the world, instead of chasing down muggers and burglars. You know, it's funny, I read this exact same debate in the pages of...
(Cut to a page of...)
Linkara (v/o): ..."Infinite Crisis" a few years ago, only in that situation, Batman was defending the smaller view. And say what you will about "Infinite Crisis"; there are legitimate grievances one can have with that book, yet it wasn't HALF as idiotic as this...
(Back to the "Dark Knight Strikes Again" comic)
Linkara (v/o): ...where Batman, of all people, is arguing that it's perfectly okay to sacrifice people! This moronic argument ends, thanks to Carrie Kelley, who has hacked into the Pentagon and discovered that an airstrike is going down in Costa Rica, with the codename "Thanagar", meaning it involves Hawkman and Hawkwoman. For some reason, this warrants Batman's attention and not the giant alien robot, but Barry Allen's already there to tell them that the forest is on fire. And OH, GOD, you've got to be kidding me! I had honestly forgot about them for a bit, but the stupidity of the Superchix is back again, with them wanting to do a concert in Gotham, but the National Guard had been deployed to stop them. The Black Canary of the group shoves her ass out and says...
Black Canary: We thought we were doing our show for the boys. Us girls, we've got a thing for men in uniform.
Linkara (v/o): This apparently leads to...
Female talking head: Massive desertions from the National Guard--
Linkara: (crying and hitting himself on the head with comic) I hate this comic! I hate it, I hate it!
Linkara (v/o): You know, here's a thought: if Superman's hip thrusts are powerful enough to cause hurricanes, how the hell is he having trouble ripping apart a giant wind-up toy frog?! Anyway, time for pointless interlude #579, this time with the Martian Manhunter meeting up with The Question. For some ungodly reason, Frank Miller has decided to give J'onn J'onzz a Brooklyn accent, possibly to make him seem more grizzled or possibly because, in Frank's perspective, he's still writing Sin City. The only point of this is to establish that the Martian Manhunter has lost his powers and The Question still being all Randian. Whatever. J'onn gets killed by the Joker guy and establishing that bullets can't kill it. Back at the battle, Superman is down and his daughter is chomping at the bit to get into the fight. Wonder Woman holds her back before charging in on a Pegasus in a kick-ass two-page spread – take a shot – where she's wielding a friggin' thunderbolt. Captain Marvel is... killed, I guess... It's not exactly clear. Wonder Woman is knocked out by missiles from Brainiac, and Superman is down for the count. However, Superman's daughter Lara suddenly transmits the toga she's wearing into a Supergirl outfit.. Okay... and decides, "Screw this," and charges into battle. She heat-visions the Brainiac Frog to death with some Photoshop filters and declares, in telepathic narration captions...
Lara: (narrating) The power is ours. The power has always been ours.
Linkara: (holding up a sword) I HAVE THE POW– Aw, screw it! Any enthusiasm for that bit has died a slow death.
Linkara (v/o): Over in Costa Rica, Hawkman and Hawkwoman's son and daughter reveal how they were hidden in the forest for years, but that their parents are dead now, thanks to the airstrike Luthor ordered. Batman decides to recruit them.
Batman: You're going to get what I never got. Retribution.
(Cut to a clip of Camelot)
King Arthur: Revenge: the most worthless of causes.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Brainiac says he's going to recruit Lara now, but laments that she had to destroy one of his larger bodies.
Brainiac: I mean, those great, big, city-straddling whoppers that cost a fortune.
Linkara: (frustrated) Why is the alien robot devoted to logic worried about money?! GOD, THIS IS STUPID!!
Linkara (v/o): Lara says she's going to kill Brainiac, but Brainiac laughs back that she's wearing the Superman crest and that they don't kill.
Lara: But I'm not from Kansas, you son of a bitch. I'm an Amazon.
Linkara: (miserably) You can start by killing me.
Linkara (v/o): Superman suddenly... uh, causes the background to be processed through a filter, and then the two are talking to each other about how hard it is to control heat vision and how sad he is about the world he's leaving to her... Oh, whatever! Stop pretending there's actual emotional bits to this! Over in Gotham, the Superchix concert is in full swing, and Luthor decides to bring the hammer down on it to nip the revolution in the bud. Batman has other plans.
Batman: (narrating) The PLAN is Carrie's.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, the Batman in this book is not a tactical genius.
Batman: (narrating) I NEVER could have CONCEIVED it. Not in a million YEARS.
Linkara (v/o): Of course not, your all-consuming hatred of rock 'n' roll would never allow you to take advantage of a concert, Batman.
Talking head: National Guard flat-out refuse to bust the Superchix! Authorities send in armored divisions of grade school security officers!
Linkara: Oh, God, people, I just suddenly realized that I could really go for a scene of Arnold Schwarzenegger making a lame pun about ice right about now! Wouldn't that be so much less stupid than this?
(Cut to a clip of Batman & Robin)
Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger): (to Batman and Robin, holding a freeze gun) What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age! (fires the freeze gun)
Linkara: (miserably) Never mind, they're both stupid.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, with the "armored divisions of grade school security officers"... What the Flying Dutchman was Frank Miller high on that day?! ...stepping in, a full-scale riot starts to break out. The armored forces are given authorization for lethal force to stop the concert, but before they can fire, The Flash super-speeds by them to take away their clothes and guns. The rest of the heroes show up to take out any remaining guards, and Green Arrow launches some... er, laser light arrows, I guess, that create this Photoshop effect, along with a Bat signal. I admit, this is kind of cool, but at the same time, you're all probably too drunk to care at this point. If you're not, take a shot – another two-page spread. Batman pulls off his cowl and reveals his plan...
Batman: (narrating) To grab of a FAD--a fleeting FASHION TREND-- and turn it into a REVOLUTION.
Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with Batman giving a rallying cry of...
Batman: Children, pull on your tights-- and give them HELL.
Linkara: (as Batman, holding up his fist) Though we die, la resistance lives on! (becomes angry as he holds up comic) THIS COMIC SUCKS!!
Linkara (v/o): The plot is stupid, the characters are either unlikeable or moronic, the art is lazy, the backgrounds are nonexistent, the satire is pointless, the science implausible, the dialogue is atrocious, and if you've ever wondered how to completely strip yourself of the feeling of joy, here's a 78-page instruction guide!
Linkara: Dear Lord, I hated this!! I can't possibly imagine anything that would ever be as conceivably bad as–
(Suddenly, the comic magically transforms into another one in his hand; he looks at it and his eyes widen in shock as he sees it: a second installment of "Sultry Teenage Super-Foxes"; Linkara screams in sheer horror at this)
(End credits roll)
I still feel embarrassed by screwing up their names. Seriously, it'S Jack Kirby and Joe Simon! How the hell do I screw that up?
(Stinger: Outside Linkara's door, Dr. Linksano is listening to Linkara still screaming)
Dr. Linksano: (smiling) Good! That comic ought to keep you busy for a while, while I work on my next great weapon! (giggles sadistically) Prepare, Linkara – or don't – for the power of my FINGER BEAMS! (cackles)
(Meanwhile, Pollo, overhearing Linksano's cackling, goes into Linkara's room)
Pollo: Hey, Linkara? There's some evil mad scientist guy plotting your downfall.
Linkara: (looking at comic) OH, WHO THE HELL CARES?!? SOMEONE MADE A SECOND ISSUE OF "SULTRY TEENAGE SUPER-FOXES"!! (screams some more)