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The Dark Knight Rises
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Release Date
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March 16, 2022
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Running Time
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33:04
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Video
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(We are shown the Dark Knight Month logo, then we cut to NC, dressed and acting as Bane, standing in the middle of the different colored background from the first review of that month)
NC/Bane: Oh, your senses betray you. You are now seeing what you fear.
(The Scarecrow, played by Malcolm, appears)
Scarecrow: The Scarecrow's fear toxin strikes again!
NC/Bane: And here's one of your fears now: the villain from Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed!
(Batgirl, played by Tamara, appears)
Batgirl: It's Batgirl.
NC/Bane: Oh, sorry. And an even bigger apology for ruining Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed.
Batgirl: It was, like, already ruined.
NC/Bane: Soon, we will destroy the Batman franchise with Bat Credit Cards, Bat nipples, and Bat hockey pads! (Laughs evilly)
Scarecrow: (confused) Didn't we just do this?
NC/Bane: What's that?
Scarecrow: Didn't we literally just do this plan, like, two reviews ago?
Batgirl: Yeah, like, some characters are different, but isn't this, like, the same thing?
NC/Bane: How dare you? This is far more expensive!
Scarecrow: And far more familiar.
NC/Bane: Look, look. You know how everyone said the one with the Joker is one of the greatest things ever made?
Scarecrow: Yeah.
NC/Bane: Well, we're taking inspiration of the lesser one before that.
Batgirl: Isn't that, like, backwards?
NC/Bane: Of course! It's the most Christopher Nolan thing to do. (The poster for Memento is shown)
Batgirl: Whatever. You're gonna get hate for this, no matter what.
NC/Bane: (lowers his head down) I suppose you're right. Roll the thing.
(The title of The Dark Knight Rises is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): When the much-anticipated Dark Knight Rises came out in 2012 after one of the greatest comic book movies ever made and another runaway blockbuster... (Posters for The Dark Knight and Inception are shown) ...the hype behind Christopher Nolan's third and final Batman film was immeasurable. And I will say, the people who loved it insanely loved it, and the people who didn't...I think were given the same treatment as the folks on the Gotham Bridge. I, as you probably guessed, was one of those people who didn't care for it. In fact, I hated it. I loved The Dark Knight so much that I was ruthless on this film. I haven't even watched it since it first came out. Well, 10 years later, I put it on again, and...I have softened a bit. The acting is pretty good, the size and scale are massive, I'll even go so far as to say the majority of this movie is very impressive to watch. In fact, upon revisiting it, I think it only has one problem: the script. That's all. Just the words, choices, and basic root element of cinematic storytelling sucks. But aside from that, it's really good. Okay, I know I'm gonna get ripped apart for this, so I'll try to praise what is legit awesome about this film, but I'm not gonna pretend the stuff I think is bad isn't bad. As always, I'll be as honest as I can, for better or worse.
(NC, sitting in his room, suddenly sees something)
NC: Hey, what are you doing? (The Scarecrow is shown putting on the Cat in the Hat's hat, and Batgirl is shown putting on glasses) You're trying to hide yourself so you're not connected with my opinions on this movie, aren't you?
Batgirl: Hey, if you want to ruin all that DC goodwill you've built up, then keep me out of it!
Scarecrow: Yeah, fool me once, right? (A past image of NC, Rachel, and Malcolm dressed as characters from the film is shown)
NC: (sighs) Okay, fair enough. This is my...solo?
Scarecrow: Yep!
Batgirl: Definitely solo.
NC: ...review of Dark Knight Rises.
(The film opens with Commissioner Gordon giving a eulogy at Harvey Dent's funeral)
NC (vo): The movie opens, randomly reminding us that Harvey is dead...
Gordon: I believed in Harvey Dent.
NC: Thanks. Just...throw this in there, too, in case we forget. (A shot of Batman is shown with an arrow pointing at him with a caption saying, "Bruce Wayne")
(Eight years later, at a CIA aircraft over Uzbekistan, a CIA agent confronts and interrogates a slew of captured criminals, including a masked terrorist named Bane)
NC (vo): But it gets pretty cool with an intro clearly trying to top the bank robbery opening in the last one, but who cares? It kicks ass. CIA agents capture the mercenary known as Bane, played by Tom Hardy, and try to make him think they're killing his henchmen.
CIA agent: (holding a criminal at gunpoint and out the plane's door) A lot of loyalty for a hired gun!
Bane: (off-screen) Well, perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane.
NC: Or how a voice and a mask can sound like 20 sound filters on top of each other.
NC (vo): If you're wondering why he sounds like he's clearly in a recording booth, it's because there was a lot of complaints that Bane was too hard to understand in the trailers.
Bane: (from the trailer) When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to die.
NC (vo): This dude does do a lot of talking, so my guess is they brought him back and rerecorded or re-altered his voice several times.
CIA agent: (to Bane) If I pull that off, will you die?
Bane: It would be extremely painful.
CIA agent: You're a big guy.
Bane: For you.
(A caption pops up with a "Ding!" sound, saying, "FUN FACT: Tom Hardy is 5' 9")
NC: I actually really like his voice despite everybody's impressions.
NC (vo): Bane in The Harley Quinn Show is entirely written around how hilarious it sounds.
Bane: (from The Harley Quinn Show) I am cutting this card! Blades are dull. I will bend it!
NC: But again, it's a Batman villain. I want him to sound a little weird.
NC (vo): What, am I gonna say the Joker sounds too high-pitched or the Penguin grunts too much? Their silly voices are part of what makes them distinct. With that said, it is great when his voice breaks and he sounds like a drunk Sean Connery from Red October belching helium.
Bane: (various scenes) Of course. / "The Batman..." / "...to my shame..." / ...police... / ...is mobile! / ...opportunity...
NC: (laughing) If Soda Poppinsky had a voice.
(During the interrogation, Bane's men, riding on their own plane, hijack the plane by connecting it with wires and pulling it, while Bane gets loose and starts fighting back against the CIA agents, while taking Dr. Leonard Pavel hostage)
NC (vo): It turns out Bane just needs the doctor on this flight, and he arranges the plane to be rotisseried by another plane. I honestly have no troubles with this scene, it's pretty sweet.
(Bane hangs on one of the plane's seats)
NC (vo; as Bane): Did you like my impression of a creaking door?
(One of Bane's men attempts to put on a safety rope, but Bane stops him)
Bane: No! They expect one of us in the wreckage, brother.
NC (vo; as Bane): The recruiter with a pamphlet should've told you.
(Bane, carrying Pavel, holds on to the wire as the plane falls down)
NC: Yes, you can question the logistics of this plan, but let's use the same rules as Dark Knight.
NC (vo): It's a comic book movie, so anything heightened that makes the characters look smarter or stronger is fine. (We cut to Gotham City, where Commissioner Gordon is preparing to give a speech revealing the truth about Harvey Dent, but decides against it) However, anything heightened that makes the characters look stupid or lazy, I'm going to call out, because that's not fun, that's stupid or lazy, like at Wayne Manor, how Gordon is about to tell a group of cops he lied about Harvey Dent and the Batman for eight years.
Gordon: (puts the speech in his jacket pocket) Maybe the time isn't right.
NC: Don't worry, he's not that stupid.
(As NC speaks, we see later shots of Bane discovering Gordon's speech and reading it in front of a crowd)
NC (vo): He'll just carry it around on missions, so a criminal may find it and read it later. Not to go into spoilers, but a criminal finds it and reads it later.
(Gordon walks away as his second-in-command, Peter Foley, speaks with a fellow cop)
Peter Foley: The mayor's gonna dump him in the spring.
Cop: Must be popular with his wife.
Peter: Not really. She took the kids and left for Cleveland.
NC: Yeah, that's right. Gordon's family left him. Isn't that exactly what you were hoping for at the end of Dark Knight?
(We are briefly shown the shot of Harvey Dent holding Gordon's family hostage)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, the suspense! I hope after this, they get divorced! To be fair, he did pretend to be dead to protect their lives, resulting in their lives being threatened, but, piss off! Comic books!
Cop: Ever lay eyes on Wayne at one of these things?
Peter: No one has. Not in years.
NC (vo): Bruce Wayne has stayed out of the game for eight years, and all the aches and pains catch up with him, forcing him to walk with a cane...and a stick to keep his balance.
(An audience boos. NC quickly picks up a caption saying "Bad Joke")
NC: I don't care! It's mine! It's mine! IT'S MY BAD JOKE AND I LOVE HIM! (Kisses the caption)
(A skilled thief named Selina Kyle sneaks into Wayne Manor disguised as a maid to take Bruce's fingerprints, where Bruce confronts her)
NC (vo): But Selina Kyle, played by Anne Hathaway, plays never-once-in-this-movie-called-Catwoman, who tries to get Wayne's fingerprints. Call me crazy, but I figure Batman and/or Bruce Wayne would have better security than this.
Selina Kyle: You wouldn't beat up a woman any more than I would beat up a cripple. (Knocks Bruce's cane down, causing him to fall)
NC (vo; as Batman): I was the Dark Knight!
Selina: Goodnight, Mr. Wayne.
NC: So I know some people love or hate Anne Hathaway, and I'm honestly indifferent to her.
(Footage of Selina Kyle is shown)
NC (vo): So when I first saw her in this, that was my reaction: indifference. She was just another Catwoman to me, didn't leave that big an impression.
NC: Watching it again, she was both a little worse and a little better than I remember.
NC (vo): Put bluntly, she sucks as a villain.
Selina: (in a later scene) You gotta be kidding me.
Batman: No guns, no killing.
Selina: Where's the fun in that?
NC (vo): I never buy it. It looks like an act, she plays evil the same way a villain at a kid's birthday party plays evil. It's clearly for show.
Selina: Still don't trust me, huh? How can we change that?
NC (vo): However, I do kind of buy her as a badass hero. Catwoman always flip-flops between sides, and when she fights or even just walks alongside Batman, it does look pretty cool. I'd probably buy her more as a warped version of Batwoman or Batgirl or something. (We first see Gotham's rookie cop, John Blake) Speaking of which... (Mimics an eager-sounding person) Can I be Robin?
Gordon: You got something you want to ask me, Officer Blake?
NC (vo): Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Officer John Blake...
Woman: (in one of the final scenes) You should use your full name. Robin.
Robin (Burt Ward): Holy self-surface!
(Blake visits Bruce at his mansion)
NC (vo): ...who figures out what nobody else in Gotham could: Bruce Wayne is Batman. How? Just...just the look on his face.
John Blake: My mom died when I was small. I'd seen that look on your face before. It's the same one I taught myself. Right when I saw you, I knew who you really were.
NC: (struggling not to lose his temper) Ohhh! Goddamn this script! Mmm, mmm, goddamn this script! Mmm!
NC (vo): I know I said I wouldn't attack any heightened elements in this, but this isn't heightened, this is friggin' supernatural! He figured it out having never seen or heard Batman, but just by looking at Wayne's face.
Robin (Burt Ward): Holy underwritten metropolis!
NC: And the funny thing is, this wouldn't be hard to fix.
NC (vo): Just have Batman walk by him at one point, and Blake'd be like, "I recognize that chin." That'd work. I'd buy that. At least he would've seen the two to compare him! But this psych kid is a damn miracle! He could've made millions outing other superheroes just by looking at them!
(We cut to a skit showing a kid, played by Tamara, naming all the alter egos of famous superheroes as their respective images are shown)
Kid: Diana Prince, Clark Kent, Peter Parker, Jennifer Waters...
Announcer (Malcolm): Congratulations! All these heroes are being hunted down and/or destroyed.
Kid: (stunned) Uh...
Announcer: Don't talk. You've done enough.
(We are shown a series of scenes involving characters having conversations with each other, all of them showcasing the events of Bruce being convinced to return as Batman, which raises Alfred's concerns, and moments of Selina continuing with her attempts to take Bruce's fingerprints and Bane setting up his base in the city sewers, where he eventually takes Gordon's speech on paper)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, and I do literally mean speaking of which, you notice how much damn talking there is until Batman shows up? It takes him 45 minutes to appear, which is honestly fine as the other movies took their time setting up stuff, too.
NC: But it always felt like something was moving forward in those movies.
NC (vo): Bruce was having flashbacks or traveling place to place before he became Batman. Gotham's law enforcement were trying to take down the mob with Batman's help before the Joker's story really got going. This is literally just people sitting around, explaining exposition. Maybe for a second, you'll see Catwoman do something or Bane do something, but it's mostly just people in one spot yapping.
(Various conversations play out, as a haunting choir is eventually heard and a shot of Ren from Ren & Stimpy struggling not to lose it fades into the shot, until we eventually see a cartoon moose screaming...)
Moose: SHUT UP!!
(One conversation showcases Alfred explaining to Bruce how he imagined that Bruce would be at a restaurant he would visit constantly)
NC (vo): Hey, I bet this story about Alfred hoping to see Bruce and a loved one in Florence will be how the movie ends. How do I know? Because it's the only time we cut away from somebody talking!
NC: And honestly, I'd be more lenient about it if the characters were as interesting as Dark Knight and Batman Begins.
(Several characters from the previous two films are shown, before the film's new characters, including John Blake, Selina Kyle, recently promoted Wayne Enterprises member, Miranda Tate, Peter Foley, and Bruce's business rival, John Daggett, are then shown in several clips)
NC (vo): All the new characters introduced in those movies were really engaging. Even the gangsters, which you've seen a million of in these films, all have distinct, memorable personalities. All the new characters here are forgettably generic. We got Blake, he's...tough. One of Bruce's biggest investors, Miranda, she's...tough. Selina is...fake-tough. I completely forgot Daggett was in this, and that's one of my favorite Batman villains. He's...
John Daggett: Clearly, you don't know much of anything, do you? Where's Bane?
NC (vo): ...annoyingly whiny and...tough. I guess there's Matthew Modine [Peter Foley], who does have a pretty good arc by the end, but until that point, he's also pretty whiny when not...tough. (When Bane attacks the Gotham Stock Exchange by using Bruce's fingerprints in a series of transactions that leaves Bruce bankrupt, Batman finally resurfaces after eight years while intercepting Bane and his subordinates) I'll give it this. I am happy when Batman shows up, not because he's gonna save any of these boring people, but because something is finally happening! (We are shown several moments of Bruce regaining his Batman gadgets from Lucius Fox) But this does raise the question: How will he get past years of being physically disabled...? (Bruce is shown installing braces on his injured leg, allowing him to walk and fight normally again) Better. Off we go.
(The police attempt to pursue and capture Batman, only for Batman to escape in his new vehicle, an aerial craft called the Bat)
NC: Okay. So far, so good.
(Batman uses the Bat to pick up Selina, who was fighting against several of Bane's men)
NC (vo): His Tumbler has turned into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, that's cool. He has arguably the best line in the movie.
Batman: (while speaking with Selina, he turns his head around for a moment) Miss Kyle? (Discovers Selina has vanished in the same manner of Batman vanishing from Gordon) So that's what that feels like.
NC: That's way too funny. It has to be from the comics. (An image of a Batman comic which shows that line being said is shown) Eh, still a good scene.
Batman: (in an earlier moment) They just don't care.
NC (vo): Yes, he still has that voice, and, yes, he still mouth-breathes so much, I can't help but make this sound. (A shot of Batman's mouth open is shown with a "Duhhhh" sound effect) But it is still good to have Batman in this Batman movie. And all it'll cost you is an Alfred.
(Alfred later speaks with Bruce and resigns from his job, unconvinced that Bruce is strong enough to fight Bane, who is revealed to be a former member of the League of Shadows)
Bruce: You'll leave me?
Alfred: You're not Batman anymore. You have to find another way.
NC (vo): Yeah, remember the Alfred that said, "Endure, take it, Batman can make the choice no one else can"?
Alfred: (from The Dark Knight) You spat in the faces of Gotham's criminals. Didn't you think there might be some causalities? Things are always gonna get worse before they got better.
NC (vo): Well, now it's, "Give up. Let someone else do it. No one cuddles me at night anymore."
Alfred: What if before she died, she wrote a letter saying she chose Harvey Dent over you?
(We see clips of The Dark Knight of Alfred burning Rachel's letter and Batman choosing to take the fall for Harvey Dent's crimes, and then clips from this film showing Alfred revealing what he did to Bruce and a later scene of Bane revealing the truth of Harvey Dent to Gotham)
NC (vo): I give credit that this movie reneges a little bit on the lies told at the end of the last one, as I never knew what to think of that ending, and clearly, the writers didn't know either, as both the truth about Rachel and later Dent are revealed.
Alfred: Maybe it's time we all stopped trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.
NC: The acting here is also top-notch from both Caine and Bale.
NC (vo): But Alfred doesn't want Bruce to die, so he won't help him anymore, leaving him to die.
Alfred: I know what this means. Your hatred. But it might also mean saving your life.
NC: (as a father) Now, Timmy, I'm tired of catching you every time you jump from the bookcase, so I'm not gonna catch you this time, saving your life. (Turns his back with his arms folded. A large thump is heard and a splatter of blood is shown, as NC looks back with a deadpan look)
(Bruce later learns of his bankruptcy, but finds comfort with Miranda Tate, who has become the new CEO of Wayne Enterprises)
NC (vo): What's Bruce been doing in those eight years out of the limelight? Well, not protecting his finances, because now, he's completely broke. (The losing horns from The Price is Right are heard) They bring Miranda, who may end up owning the company, to applied sciences, and I will admit, I forgot how awesome this shot was.
(Said shot is of Lucius Fox and Miranda entering the secret passage towards the room where a large reactor core is located at)
Miranda Tate: This is it, isn't it?
NC: (as Lucius) No, this is goddamn Fox...who will soon be Disney.
NC (vo): They show her investment is going to a machine that can create clean, renewable energy...or blow up the world.
Bruce: Someone will figure out a way to make this power source into a nuclear weapon.
NC: I refer you back to, "Eh, comics!"
(Bruce and Miranda soon start to hang out together more, eventually sleeping together at Bruce's manor)
NC (vo): Miranda does end up owning the company, as well as Bruce's little Wayne, that is, if he can figure out how to get inside his house without Alfred.
Miranda: (to Bruce, at the manor's front door) Do you have keys?
Bruce: Never needed them.
NC: Batman, everybody!
NC (vo): Despite the two having absolutely no chemistry, they decide to bonk...and, yes, there is technically a reason she does it, but, again, how did Batman not figure it out?...and he tells Selina if she helps him find Bane, he'll help clear her name so that she can go back to feeding her... (Attempts to think of a reason as the camera moves forward around the room where Bruce and Selina are speaking at, before angrily giving up) SHE DOESN'T EVEN OWN A CAT! (Later, Selina takes Batman to Bane's lair, where Batman ends up walking into a trap and finds himself being confronted by Bane, who engages him in a vicious fight) She leads him to Bane, all right, by trapping him so he has to face him alone. Bane reveals he's from the League of Shadows, and...I'm sorry, but in a choice I just can't get behind, he's a massive simp for Ra's al Ghul.
Bane: I am the League of Shadows.
NC (vo): Yeah, he just wants to destroy Gotham for the same reason Ra's did, crime, corruption, economic, inequality, which...didn't the League say they kind of caused?
Ra's al Ghul: (from Batman Begins) With Gotham, we tried a new one: economics.
NC (vo): And instead of making him a unique, epic villain, they just make him a basic bitch for a previous one.
Bane: I am here to fulfill Ra's al Ghul's destiny!
NC: Imagine if Killmonger in Black Panther was like, "I will fulfill Baron Zemo's legacy!" You'd miss all this amazing stuff that makes him one of a kind. It just wouldn't feel as grand or new. Also, The Dark Knight, said by many to be one of the greatest comic book movies ever, kind of feels like a detour now, doesn't it?
NC (vo): League of Shadows wants to destroy the city. Defeated. Joker wants to drive everyone mad. Stopped. League of Shadows wants to destroy the city. OH, SHIT! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I SAW EVERYTHING, I GET TO SEE IT AGAIN! (In the ensuing fight, Bane gains the upper hand against Batman) It does lead to some cool stuff, though. I love how Bane knows all Batman's moves because they were trained by the same people. This fight scene in general is pretty great. Okay, it looks a little fake, but both actors are into it, you feel the intensity. And though Hardy said he hated beating up his childhood hero, he sure does sound like he's having a ball.
Bane: The shadows betray you, because they belong to me! (Punches Batman multiple times, greatly damaging his mask)
NC: Oh, man! You beat him to his hangover face!
Bane: But you merely adopted the dark. I was born in it.
NC (vo): But...that pesky writing. Where is all this taking place without him ever knowing?
(Bane reveals that his lair is at the bottom of Lucius Fox's warehouse where Batman's gadgets, armory, and multiple Tumblers are at)
Bane: Your precious armory, gratefully accepted.
NC: (angrily stunned) World's...greatest...de...how much work did Alfred do?!
Bane: (beating Batman down and picking him up) I was wondering what would break first. Your spirit...or your body? (Drops Batman straight onto his knee, dealing a huge crippling blow to his back)
NC: (as Batman) Oh! I should've wore hockey pads.
(And with that, we go to a commercial. When we come back, we see Blake capture Selina, who was attempting to leave Gotham, and she is taken to the same prison where all criminals, who have been sent to prison by Harvey Dent, are imprisoned at)
NC (vo): Selina tries to leave Gotham, but is picked up by the police.
Warden: The Dent Act allows non-segregation based on extraordinary need.
Selina: Wanna hold my hand?
(She performs a flip while twisting a prisoner's hand in the process. NC has his hands on his face)
NC: (almost about to break down into laughter) This is really stupid!
(Meanwhile, an injured Bruce is taken by Bane into an underground prison where escape is virtually impossible)
NC (vo): And Bruce is taken to a faraway prison where Bane was raised. He'll... (Briefly mimics Bane) ...of course... (Speaks normally) ...let Bruce watch the destruction of Gotham, because comic villains are morons, and kill him off after. Prisoners try to get out of the giant plot hole this movie keeps digging for itself, and Bruce is told of the one prisoner who did.
Medic prisoner: He says there is one who did, a child.
NC: (as the medic prisoner) A girl. That is very important.
(Back in Gotham, every single one of the city's police officers hunt for Bane in a tunnel)
NC (vo): Yeah, all right, we'll get to that twist later, but for now, he thinks it's Bane, whom the police think they have surrounded, so they literally throw in every cop in the city. Their words, not mine!
Peter: Every cop in the city's down in those tunnels!
NC: (laughing) This is so stupid, it actually looks funny! How can you not laugh at all of this giant city's cops going to one bust?
NC (vo): Even the reporters are like, "Are you high?"
Reporter: We're seeing literally thousands of police heading into the sewers. Mr. Mayor, literally, thousands of police.
Mayor: It's a training exercise.
NC: No, I swear, there was a scene cut from the movie where she says, "Are you high?"
(Using hidden bombs, Bane traps Gotham's police in the sewers and destroys the bridges surrounding the city. Other bombs destroys parts of a stadium during a football game, killing the mayor in the process)
NC (vo): Big shock, this wasn't such a good idea, as a bunch of explosions trap them in the tunnels, blow up Gotham's bridges, and, for some reason, cut off this cool shot from the trailer. (Said shot is a single football player running away from the crumbling stadium grounds; it was shown in three shots in the film itself, but shown in one continuous shot in the trailer) Why'd you do that? That one take was amazing.
(Bane appears and reveals to the stadium's crowds that he has turned the Wayne Enterprises reactor core into a decaying neutron bomb)
Bane: This bomb is armed, and the identity of the triggerman is a mystery.
NC: (as a spectator) Well, this is a weird halftime show.
(After Bane reveals the bomb to the stadium crowds, the next day, he reveals to the city the truth about Harvey Dent from Gordon's speech he stole earlier. This reveal destroys Dent's reputation forever, as well as the Dent Act, as all of its prisoners are immediately broken out. Bane then instates martial law throughout the city, which goes on for several months)
NC (vo): The doctor from earlier turns the energy source into a bomb, and Bane says he'll detonate it if anyone tries to get in or out of Gotham. He reads Gordon's letter about how Batman was innocent and Dent went insane, which...I mean, he is a supervillain, he could be lying. But, whatever. This gets Gotham up in arms, and it's returned to the people who feel wronged. The rich are poor, the poor are rich, the guilty innocent, the innocent guilty, getting across the incredible message of...
NC: (shrugs his arms) ...inequality sucks.
NC (vo): Yeah, kind of like Occupy Wall Street, which they said they weren't inspired by, and I do believe them, they're doing the same thing, pointing out similar problems, but not really offering solutions. Even though this had no connection to that movement, it was clearly on their minds the same time it was on all these other people's minds. There's just something about that place in time that got people talking about it.
NC: Maybe that's why a lot of these characters' choices seem so dumb.
NC (vo): They're letting the commentary drive the characters rather than the characters drive the commentary. (We go back to Bruce in prison, struggling to recover) With that said, what is Batman gonna do? I mean, Bane broke his back, recreating one of the most iconic comic book scenes ever. What do they seem to have down there? A rope? That's gonna take years of physical therapy... (The medical prisoner attempts to fix Bruce's back by punching it back into place) Better. Let's climb out of here.
(Later, a recovered Bruce attempts to make the leap to escape from prison, but fails. A snap sound effect is heard)
NC (vo; as Batman): Aw! I broke my back again!
(We see more shots of Gotham under Bane's rule and Bruce attempting to escape prison)
NC (vo): For several months, Gotham is ripped apart, and Bruce tries to escape with the other prisoners chanting, but he never makes it. When he's told the child made it without a rope, he decides no snot-nosed pipsqueak is gonna upstage him.
Bruce: (hearing the prisoners chanting) What does that mean?
Medic prisoner: Rise.
NC: You've been down there for months and now you ask what that means?!
NC (vo): If I was digging out of prison and my cellmate said "Dick cabbage" every time I did...
NC: ...Day 1, I'd be like, "What's dick cabbage? I'm kind of curious what that's about." How much work did Alfred do again?!
NC (vo): He climbs up without a rope...
(Bats start flying around Bruce as he makes the climb)
NC: Yeah, okay.
(Bruce successfully makes the leap and finally escapes from prison. Meanwhile, at a kangaroo court, Dr. Jonathan Crane presides over the sentencing of a captured Commissioner Gordon)
NC (vo): ...and he, of course, makes it out, just in time, too, as the best cameo in the movie says Gordon is on thin ice and sentences him to death...by thin ice.
(That night, as Gordon is walking through thin ice, he is suddenly met by Batman, who gives Gordon a blocker)
Batman: This blocks the remote detonator signal to the bomb. Get it on to it before sunrise.
NC: So a lot of people ask how did Bruce get back to Gotham and how's he able to walk on that thin ice when everybody else falls through?
NC (vo): Well, one, they did show he actually can walk on thin ice. Not gonna lie, I was pretty impressed by that callback.
NC: #2: He's Batman. He got back 'cause he's Batman.
(Batman lights a fire, which soon lights a fire on a bridge which forms the Bat signal. This symbol brings some long-awaited hope to Gotham's citizens, while Bane, who also sees the symbol, is stunned)
Bane: Impossible.
NC (vo): Can't believe my prison with no guards and a giant hole a child jumped out of didn't work! After...what? The 10th time I ask how Nolan could never tell Bale Batman looks hilarious with his mouth open? (Mimics Batman) I'm so baked. (Speaks normally) They get all the cops out of the tunnel...again, maybe should've killed them, Bane...and the battle for Gotham begins.
(The next morning, Batman and his army of police officers clash with Bane's army in the streets. In the midst of the battle, Batman and Bane face each other once more)
NC: I'll say this, too. You really do see the money on the screen.
(As NC speaks, we see the current battle and other shots of the climax that occur later on, including the Bat chasing after a truck with the bomb inside it, and Blake attempting to get the city's orphans to safety)
NC (vo): Not only is it impressive that all those people are really there and not CG-ed in, and that there was at least an attempt to make it about the city and not just Batman, but the effects, for being 10 years old, hold up pretty good. If anything leading up to this made a lick of sense, I'd totally be invested.
Blake: (to the orphans) Go, go.
Boy: Is he back?
NC (vo; as the boy): Is Spider-Man back? (as Blake) I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
(Batman and Bane fight one-on-one again, and this time, Batman is able to get the upper hand by damaging Bane's mask, weakening him and causing him to finally be beaten down)
NC (vo): The world's greatest detective finally puts together maybe hitting Bane's mask will work...yeah, even the CIA agent figured that out right away.
CIA agent: If I pull that off, will you die?
NC (vo): ...and he finally gets him down for the count.
Batman: (beating up Bane) Where's your trigger?!
NC (vo; as Bane): What?
Batman: You'd never give it to an ordinary citizen!
NC (vo; as Bane): What? Ironically, I can't understand you!
Batman: Tell me where the trigger is. Then you have my permission to die.
NC (vo; as Bane): So that's what that feels like.
(Miranda suddenly intervenes and stabs Batman, revealing herself as Talia al Ghul, Ra's al Ghul's daughter, and the one who escaped from prison years ago, with the help of Bane, her protector)
NC (vo): But we get our big twist, I guess. (Sings) It was Miranda all along!
Talia: My mother named me Talia before she was killed.
NC (vo): It turns out she's the kid that escaped and she's the daughter of Ra's al Ghul and...
NC: ...I don't know. Is this what you wanted?
NC (vo): Catwoman and Bane in a movie together, and it's a last-minute twist daughter of a villain from two movies ago that's our mastermind? This isn't like Marvel where there's, like, five dozen films to try this out on, this is the climax of only three movies, with a roster of amazing villains, and we're ending with her? Okay, you got 10 minutes of climax left, maybe the writing for her will be really stellar.
Talia: His only crime was that he loved me.
NC: That is a fake line. You put that in as a joke. THESE ARE OSCAR-NOMINATED WRITERS!
(Talia reveals she has the detonator)
NC (vo): They're ready to go up with this city as she gets ready to set up the bomb with her detonator.
Batman: Please.
(Talia presses the button, but nothing happens, as Gordon had managed to put the blocker on the bomb)
Marvin the Martian (vo): Where's the kaboom?
NC (vo): Gordon turned off the bomb, so she rushes to find him, which is good. She shouldn't have to see Bane go out like a bitch.
(A recovered Bane attempts to kill Batman, only to be shot and killed by one of the guns from the Batpod, driven by Selina)
Selina: About the whole "no guns" thing, I'm not sure I feel as strongly about it as you do.
NC: Mmm, that's an orgasm of lame.
NC (vo): Well, it's gonna take Bruce a while to recover with that knife in his side... (Batman is shown using the Bat to hook up the bomb, after a chase ended with Talia getting killed) Better! But they discover the bomb is activated, and naturally, Batman has to sacrifice himself, flying the bomb away from the city.
(The Bat flies out of Gotham and out into the bay)
NC (vo; as Batman): I'm so baked.
(The bomb explodes safely, but Batman is presumed dead. Having learned his true identity, Gordon holds a private funeral for Bruce, attended by Lucius Fox, Blake, and Alfred, where Bruce's new gravestone is placed next to his parents' gravestones. Meanwhile, Batman is praised as a hero and is honored with a huge statue)
NC (vo): After his supposed death, I guess they throw a Great Gatsby funeral, because almost no one attends, probably because people are too busy going to Batman's memorial...and nobody puts together they died on the same day. Honestly, it's a little douchey, even after his death, none of his friends say, "Oh, by the way, this guy was Batman. He was a good dude." I mean, they literally made a statue out of him. I don't think they're gonna charge you with anything.
NC: It's not even an accurate likeness. His mouth is closed.
Alfred: (tearful and looking at Bruce's parents' gravestones) I'm so sorry. I failed you. You trusted me, and I failed you.
NC: I mean...you did. How's that whole "I'm gonna leave you to kill yourself so you don't kill yourself" thing work out?
NC (vo): Wayne Manor is turned into a center for at-risk kids, led by Blake...
Woman: Robin.
NC (vo): ...oh, blow me...where he discovers the Batcave below. And if you're like me, you know where this movie really should've ended.
(Alfred visits a restaurant at Florence. As he sits down, he sees something. We immediately cut to the film's end credits)
NC: I know that's like the ending to Inception, but Christopher Nolan has shown us he likes doing the same thing over and over, so why not here?
NC (vo): It'd be so good if it was left open. Did he see him, did he not? Was Selina there? Was it someone else he found there? Your imagination and your interpretation of the characters would fill in the blank. (Alfred smiles and nods at what he is seeing: Bruce and Selina sitting together at a table) But instead, Bruce found the exact cafe he went to in Florence, absolutely nobody recognizes a face that was constantly on magazines, and this trilogy finally ends.
(The final shot shows Blake discovering and entering the Batcave)
NC: Folks, I tried. I just can't get into it.
(Footage of the film, as well as footage from the previous two films, plays out as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): I will admit, there are a lot of things to take into consideration, trying to up the spectacle of The Dark Knight, trying to be respectful and not bring back Heath Ledger's Joker, trying to tie things together when you can't use the storyline of your most iconic villain. But I really think they should've just done a villain from scratch and not connect him to a villain from the first film. Or, if you're gonna do that, do the Scarecrow, damn it! Yeah, I know I never shut up about him, but that is the only first movie villain you could get material from to fill a sequel, at least in a way that'd be satisfying. I think it wanted to up the commentary, up the effects, up the size, and in the process of figuring out the technicals, it lost the human connection. But like I said, that is all on a script level. And, yes, that's one of the most important things, but watching it again, I was impressed with how many elements did hold up in terms of technology, size, scale, and performances. You legit feel the effort with every frame. It, in no way, feels like a lazy movie, just...a misguided one. And even then, that's just my take. I know a lot of people who love this film, and if it really moved you in a profound way, I'm not gonna stand in front of that. Its heart is in the right place, and it's clearly trying to do right by Batman. With that said, do you think it did do right all these years later? Were you like me and felt it couldn't live up to the hype? Or do you feel like it followed through on all its epicness? Also, how do you rank the Dark Knight films? I know my ranking's pretty obvious, but I'd love to know yours. Whatever your thoughts on the Nolan trilogy, I think we all owe him a big thanks for bringing back Batman into the cinematic spotlight, reminding us why we love the shadow of such a powerful symbol.
Batgirl: Okay, that was The Dark Knight trilogy. Why are we all still here?
NC/Bane: Oh, did you think that was it?
Scarecrow: Kinda, yeah.
NC/Bane: Well, I have an amazing twist for you; I'm in fact and not the real villain.
Batgirl: Oh, we didn't really care if you were.
NC/Bane: It was an unsung hero! Who was in the movie under your nose the whole time?
Batgirl: Okay. Who?
(NC/Bane throws the bomb down, he revealed Tony (played by Anthony "Tony" Goldmark) from Hack the Movies)
Tony: Hey, guys. Tony from Hack the Movies here.
Batgirl: Wait, how is he the villain he wasn't even in Dark Knight Rises.
Tony: Oh yes, I was. I so rarely talk about it. Here's the bandanna I wore while shooting and here's a...
(a couple of pictures shows a behind the scenes where a football stadium scene from The Dark Knight Rises, filmed from the crowd.)
Tony (vo): ...couple of pictures, I took from the set just watch the stadium scene.
Tony: I'm right there... (a arrow points to the smoking after the bomb explodes the field in it; vo) behind the goal post.
NC/Bane: Unexpected, isn't it?
Batgirl: I guess.
NC/Bane: Therefore, epic!
Scarecrow: Not really.
NC/Bane: All friends have betrayed us, Tony from Hack the Movies.
Tony: It's hard being the glue that holds a film together.
NC/Bane: We must rectify this, Tony from Hack the Movies, you are the twist villain everybody wanted to see.
Batgirl: I didn't even know he was in the film.
NC/Bane: So, tell me. What I must do for my epic conclusion?
Tony: Uh, maybe you can review the other two best Batman movies. (as shown between Tim Burton's Batman (followed by a review next week) and Batman: Mask of the Phantasm)
NC/Bane: Of course! It will be something new and unexpected.
Scarecrow: You totally announced that at the beginning of the month.
Tony: But, has he talked about those films before.
Batgirl: Multiple times.
NC/Bane: Then, we are following the Nolan model repeat, repeat and repeat... Repeat.
Batgirl: You know, I was happier when I literally didn't exist. (as she disappears...)
Scarecrow: I was played by that voice... (as he disappears, too...)
Tony: Does this mean I'll disappear, too?
NC/Bane: The world is too small for the star The Dark Knight Rises to disappear!
Tony: Oh, good.
NC/Bane: Who are you?
Tony: I'm not sure anymore.
NC/Bane: Are you my mommy?
Tony: Why is this still going?
NC/Bane: Because I love doing this voice.
Tony: Well, stop it.
NC/Bane: Bye, voice.
Channel Awesome Tagline: Bane: "The Batman..."
(The credits roll)