And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Dark Knight Rises."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Na na na na na na na na, spoilers!
There's this guy called Batman.
Only he is not Batman anymore.
He is Bruce Wayne, disabled man who sits inside his room and does nothing!
And he spends most of his time not realizing where his money is going, having countless people double-cross him, and totally turning his back on the people he swore to protect.
Ah, yeah, go back to Batman.
And there's cat burgler named Selina Kyle.
And when she puts her goggles up, she kinda looks like a cat.
So everybody calls her...Wonder Woman.
So Bruce Wayne is like, "I'm totally not going to be Batman anymore. No matter what anybody says, I'm never going to be Batman never, ever, ever again!"
(In British accent) "Some pretty woman stole your fingerprints."
"I am Batman once again!"
So she's getting the fingerprints for this other bad guy named Bane.
Who looks like Mr. Clean if he was on the UFC...on S&M night.
Hey, that'd be a good sequel.
"The S&M Knight Rises"!
They already have half the costumes.
So it turns out Bane is actually working with Catwoman, who sounds like a mix of Darth Vader and every Russian comedian you ever heard.
(In Russian accent) "In my country, fingerprints search for you!"
And the Catwoman is like, "Why do you need his fingerprints?"
"So we can make him do foolish decisions with his money."
"But he's already doing that!"
"But we're trying to make him go broke."
"But he's already doing that!"
"Shut up! We need to look threatening."
"Dressed like this, that's unlikely."
So Bruce Wayne gets help from Tommy, Third Cop From the Sun!
And he's like, "Dude, I know you're Batman."
"When I looked at you, I could just tell."
"Holy smokes, I tried so hard to be careful! I mean, I drew a ton of attention to myself, acted like I was insecure and had a secret to hide. Where did I go wrong? (Goes to talk) Wait! Maybe I didn't disguise my voice enough!"
(Waves hands) "No no no no no..."
(In gravelly voice) "At first, I was doing it like this. (Talks deeper) But now I see I have to talk like this! (Facepalms) Nobody will recognize me if I talk like this, and everyone will be so intimidated and not laugh hilariously at me. (Keeps facepalming) Also, I shall leave my mouth open more. I think that'll be a good idea."
"Am I gonna be Robin or not?"
"I'm outta here."
So Batman is like, "Where's Bane?"
"He's over there."
"Time to kick some Bat ass."
(Quickly) "By the way, it's a trap."
"Hey, look, they're playing Les Mis." (Walks away)
So Batman and Bane finally meet. (Incoherent face-off between the two until Batman chuckles and says, confused, "What?")
So Bane beats the crap out of Batman.
And Bane takes him all the way to a foreign country to put him in a prison.
And Bane is like, "There is only one way out of this prison. You have to climb through that giant hole."
"I got a giant hole you can climb out of!"
"It's impossible. No one has ever climbed out of there."
"Okay, except for one person."
"That person must've been super strong!"
"Actually, it was a small child."
"Well, that child must've tried tons of times to get out!"
"Actually, it was done on the first try. (Stares) Intimidating, huh? A prison that a small child could get out of on the first try. And just to make sure that never happens again, we are having absolutely no guards at this prison."
"I think the oxygen going to your mask isn't getting to your brain."
"Says the man dressed as a bat."
So Bane and his minions destroy all the entrances to Gotham.
And they blow up all these chunks of the city and have a bomb holding the city hostage.
"If anyone leaves the city, we are detonating the bomb!"
"But in your plan, didn't you say we're going to detonate the bomb anyway?"
"So, why don't we just detonate the bomb now?"
"Because we need to destroy the soul of Gotham."
"A giant atom bomb won't do that?"
"We need to make a clever social commentary that everybody can see."
"And what's that?"
"That if we let out all the prisoners in the city, it will be chaos."
"Doesn't that kinda go without saying?"
"Who are you anyway?"
"A temp." (Gets neck snapped)
So Bruce Wayne realizes he has to get better in order to climb out of Bane's hole. (Gives weird look)
And Bruce Wayne is like, "My body is destroyed! I don't know how I'm gonna get better."
"Well, that's easy. Just try this. (Pushes spine into place and yells) There, you should be fine in a few days."
"You mean a hurt leg from a fall took me years to get better from, and yet being horribly beaten and my back broken and every part of my body destroyed, all you needed was a little rope wrapped around my body and you going "Huagh!" and suddenly I'm gonna be better in a day or two?"
"Cool! I'm Batman."
So Bruce Wayne tries climbing out, but he doesn't make it several times.
So Bruce Wayne is like, "What is that they're chanting?"
"Really? You've tried like 10 times, and you never bothered to ask what they're chanting when you're trying to climb out?"
"I'm not very observant. I've been duped like five times in this movie."
"It means 'rise.'"
"'Rise,' of course. I have to go through a deep, psychological study, a search inside my soul to figure out how to get out of--"
"Try it without the rope."
"Okay. (Jumps onto platform with Mario sound effect) ...That was easy."
So Bruce Wayne gets out of that foreign country...somehow, and gets back into Gotham...somehow, and finds Catwoman...somehow.
And Bruce Wayne is like, "What's going on here?"
"All the prisoners from this one prison escaped, and I was with them."
"Wait, you were in a male prison?"
"Because they thought it'd be better for me. (stares) Really? With all the plot holes in this, that's your biggest question?"
"It's time we dress silly!"
So Catwoman and Batman put together a plan that's actually kind of confusing.
Imagine, a confusing plot device with the director of "Inception" and "Memento."
And the whole city is fighting and fighting and fighting!
But Catwoman is like, "Once I help you with this, I am never coming back to help you again."
"I think there's more to ya."
"No, there isn't! This is who I am! I swear I'm gonna stand by this! This is my choice! I'm not turning back at all!"
"See you in a few minutes?"
"Didn't see that coming."
But then Batman finds out a terrible secret.
The woman he handed Wayne Enterprises over to was actually the mastermind all along!
"That's right! I was the small child who climbed out of the prison!"
"But, I thought..."
"It's just in the flashback, you kinda looked like a..."
"Pretty, adorable, feminine child? Yes, I know."
"That's not what gonna say. I--"
"Then what were you gonna say?"
"It's just you kind of looked, ah..."
"Ah, no, I, uh... (Is stared at) ...You had it chopped off, right?"
"Oh, you are dead!" (Punches)
So it turns out the mastermind, the great Batman villain behind the whole thing all this time, was some woman you never knew! (pause) ...Wow!
I always wanted to see Batman go up against some woman I never knew!
Screw the Joker, screw Catwoman, screw Bane! I wanna see some lady whose name I can't remember!
Isn't that what all Batman fans wanna see?
I think Cesar Romero played her on the show.
So Batman meets up with Tommy, and he gives him some explosives.
"Count to five, and then throw that at the wall."
"Count to five, and then throw that at the wall-- No, count to three now. We're really losing ti--"
"I can't understand what you're saying."
"Oh, for God's sake! (Throws bomb and ducks as it explodes) Okay! Count to five and throw that at the wall!"
"Can't understand a bit of it. I really have no idea--" (Talking over each other) "Count to five and throw that at the wall!"
(Ends up throwing bomb and ducking again) "Okay. Let's try this again."
"Look, I know you're Bruce Wayne. Why don't you just use your normal voice?"
"You know what, screw it. I've got a Batplane."
"Yes, and you can't ride in it."
So it turns out there's no way to make this bomb stop.
So Batman decides it's time to play Bat-Jesus.
That's pretty much all he does in these movies anyway.
"I am the savior by constantly lying and dodging my responsibilities."
"But you're finally going to take some responsibility and sacrifice your life, right?"
"That is totally what I'm gonna let you believe."
"What a hero!"
Kaboom! The auto-pilot flies the bomb away, and everyone thinks Batman is dead.
And Alfred stares over the graves of the entire Wayne family.
(Crying) "Oh my God, I swore to protect you, and now you're all dead. I'm really bad at this."
But then Alfred travels to some sort of fancy foreign country.
And we remember him saying, "I always dreamed that I'd be sittin' there drinking my tea 'cause I'm British, and then I'd look over and see you with some lady and a bunch of little Batmans running around playing with each other."
And it turns out he does exactly that! He looks over and he sees Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle there! (long pause) ...Did they even have a thing?
Catwoman kissed him once to steal his ticket and then another time before the world was about to blow up.
Hell, I'd kiss anyone next to me at that point. I'd kiss Rosie O'Donnell.
But somehow this means true love!
(Waves) "Bye Alfred! I'm dodging my responsibilities once again!"
But it's okay because Tommy inherits the house, he finds the Batcave, and it turns out his real name is Robin.
"Oh boy, this'll be the beginning of a brand new franchise for me--" (Black card with "The End" pops up)
The end! No more movies!
"What the hell?!"
So "The Dark Knight Rises" is one of the greatest movies I've ever seen in my life, and I don't say that often.
And I can't wait to see whether or not they're gonna do a Robin spin-off!
In fact, I already know what they can call it.
"Batman and--" (Shivers) Ooh, I feel a cold shiver all of a sudden.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Hey, if they send a woman to a man prison, you think they'd send a man to a woman prison? That'd make my dark knight rise!