The Dark Knight Begins Rising
October 30th, 2012
Doug: Hey guys, welcome to the premiere of Demo Reel. Just wanted to give you a little information about the show and how it's gonna work. Uh, unlike Nostalgia Critic which was every one week, this is gonna be every two weeks because it takes a little more time and it's not just a guy in front of a white wall. Uh, so it is gonna be every two weeks, however, every other week there's always going to be something Demo Reel related, whether it be a short or the trailer for the next one... there's always going to be something. So every time you show up on a Tuesday on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, you're always going to see something related to Demo Reel. On top of that, like I said before, we're gonna have a talk show coming out with me, we got game shows, we have all sorts of things coming up for you guys that we're in the process of getting out to you, so stay tuned, a lot more is coming, I hope you enjoy what we got.
(We open on a bedroom in Scary Philadelphia with A Sixth Sense parody, Doctor Bruce Willis is played by Donnie and Cole is played by Rebecca)
Dr. Bruce Willis: So Cole, it's been a rough day, hasn't it?
Cole: Yes, Dr. Bruce Willis.
Dr: And now you're going to tell me your dirty little secret aren't you?
Cole: (whispers) Yes.
Dr: And what is your dirty little secret?
Cole: (whispers) I see dead people, walking around like regular people, they don't know they're dead.
Dr: Oh that's okay, that's just the 700 club.
Cole: No, I mean, I see ghosts.
Dr: Really? How often?
Cole: All the time, they're everywhere. There's even one behind you!
(Doug in Beetlejuice costume appears and makes wa-hey sounds)
Dr: Jesus, it's Beetlejuice...
Beetlejuice: I'm the ghost with the most, baby.
Cole: And Casper!
Casper: OOoooh, I'm the friendliest ghost to ever (voice and appearance goes demonic) eat your soul!
(Tacoma playing Ghost Dad appears, his dialog is a mostly unintelligible jive-fest)
Ghost Dad: Yabba yabba do, I'm talking to you.
Dr: Oh my God, it's Ghost Dad!
Ghost Dad: That's right! Now how about a jello pudding pop from the fiery depths of hell?
Cole: He's terrifying! What are we gonna do?
Dr: The only thing we can do.
Cole: Who are you going to call?
Dr: (in close-up) Ghostbusters!
(Lightning and fire as the Ghostbusters appear)
Cole: Who are you?
Ghostbusters: Ghostbusters! Chicago division.
Cole: But we're in Philadelphia?
Lead ghostbuster: We're branching out.
Second in command: Alright, ghosts, prepare to die. Again.
Ghost Dad: You can't do this to me, I gave you Malcolm Jamall order. (?)
(Power streams hits the ghosts and they scream, Cole crawls over)
Cole: Hey, can I try?
Cole: Oh and get [Dr. Bruce Willis] too, he's a ghost.
Dr: What? (They hit him with the streams)
(Doug's Randy Newman voice singing over the credits, with Donnie Dupre's name getting the most time.)
(Cut to epic music playing and Donnie trying to look busy by looking in his folder. When he talks, notice the stepford tone.)
Donnie: Oh, hello. I'm Donnie DuPre (takes glasses off, finds out he can't see, and puts them back on), and what you just saw, believe it or not, was not A Sixth Sense. I know! It felt like the movie, looked like the movie, maybe even a little better than you remember it. But in fact, this was a movie brought to you by our online production team, Demo Reel. What is Demo Reel? I'm glad you asked. How do I put it? You got movies, old and new, low-budget and big-budget, appealing to all sorts of different audiences. And as great as all these movies are, in all humbleness, we can do it better, and I don't think I'm being too selfish when I say that. We have perfected what many already consider to be perfect and made it even more perfectier... yes. We vow to show what our cinematic skills are capable of, and there is no doubt that we have quite the wide range of talent, including directors, actresses, directors, writers, directors, cinematographers, directors and writer-cinematographer-director-actress-caterers. Our goal? To reach an audience so large that Hollywood would have no choice but to offer us the chance to make our very own motion picture. We even send our pictures to the original film-makers themselves. In fact, famed director M. Night Shyamalan once said of our work "And I thought my twists were bad...". Y'see? Even he had to acknowledge our work was so good that his were inferior by comparison. With Rebecca Stone, Tacoma Narrows, Carl Copenhagan, and the rest, we want to make our incredibly humble goal of fame, fortune and riches beyond our wildest dreams come true, for you! Demo Reel: we don't make films, we remake them. (too-long pause) Cut?
(the camera grants him his wish and we cut to black and white Donnie talking)
Donnie: Alright, The Sixth Sense seemed to go over really well online, in fact a lot of people seemed to think it was our best work to date.
Rebecca: I know! Did you see that one comment? "What the hell did I just watch?" People are speechless! We've got them asking questions, important questions, like... what the hell did I just watch?
Donnie: Exactly, so I feel for the next one we should do something supernatural. Tacoma, what you got?
Tacoma: W-well I was thinking Wuthering Heights. There's a lot of atmosphere as well as ghosts in the movie, and it'd give us a chance to really dive into the psychological.
Donnie: Hey hey, or Batman!
Rebecca: Batman would be awesome!
Donnie (a little too adamant) Yeah we should definitely do Batman.
Tacoma: I... don't think Batman is really supernatural.
Rebecca: Sure he is! Always flying around, sucking people's blood?
Tacoma: That's Dracula.
Donnie (joins back in) No no, it was definitely Batman, I remember Frances Ford Coppola talked about it on his commentary.
Tacoma: That was also Dracula what...
Rebecca: What is your obsession with Dracula?
Tacoma: I don't have an obsess- look, Batman's not a vampire.
Donnie: Are you saying that George Clooney is not a blood-sucking Nosferatu who feeds on the young to keep himself immortal?
Tacoma: ...I cannot argue with that.
Donnie: There you go then!
(cut to Tacoma introducing himself with military trumpets in the background)
Tacoma: My name is Tacoma Narrows, I'm the writer for Demo Reel. (over VO of happy times) I came across Donnie and I thought what better way to break into the industry? True, a lot of times he doesn't go with my ideas, in fact a lot of what I originally put down has almost nothing to do with the final product, but that's Donnie's direction, and I respect him as an artist.
(cut to earlier, "remaking Braveheart")
Tacoma: H-hey, this- this isn't what I wrote.
Donnie: Oh come on it's better that way!
Tacoma: How is it better this way?
Donnie: It's more engaging!
Tacoma: William Wallace is supposed to be having an epic battle with the British!
Donnie: Well now he's having an epic battle with a dragon named Longshanks.
(as Tacoma screams, we cut to "Braveheart", Doug's chest is showing naturally)
William: (in Chester voice) They may take our lives, but they'll never take our- (gets killed with fire)
(cut back to Tacoma)
Tacoma: Well, respect is such a strong word...
(cut to Rebecca introducing herself, her music is bouncy strings followed by violin)
Rebecca: My name is Rebecca Stone, that's Stone, not Stone-eh, the accent is silent. I went to college for acting. After college, I decided to do my own one woman show, which was of course Hamlet. And I know what you're thinking, how can a woman play Hamlet? Well I always thought that Hamlet seemed like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I decided to play his feminine side! You know that one scene where he's talking to the skull and he's like "oh poor dead jester guy", I rewrote it a little bit. Your bony lips I have kissed I know not how oft. See? Him kissing a guy suddenly make sense! It's a lot better than that weird jester boy thing they were implying, I dunno, Shakespeare's a perv. I'm currently a security guard at a warehouse in the greater Chicagoland area. I'm not allowed to say which one, but they have been extremely good to me. One of them said I was a stunad (note for the more depressing later: stunad means "bimbo on the front of the organization who'll take the fall when everything goes to pot"), which I assume is Italian for bright. We have a mutual agreement between us, we film here and they do whatever they do back there, they don't ask questions and we don't ask questions.
(cut to the three looking over the script with mob bosses behind the wall)
Mob Guy: Where's the money, Pauly, where's the money?
Pauly: I swear I don't know, I swear I don't know!
Mob Guy: Say goodnight, Pauly.
Pauly: No, no!
Tacoma: What do these people do again?
Rebecca: (happily) Construction.
Donnie: (having spent more time looking at the wall than the other two) Oh, okay. So you're going to enter through here and-
(cut to the writing room)
Tacoma: So which one of the Batman movies were you thinking about doing?
Donnie: Well, I don't like to think small-
Tacoma: Big shock.
Donnie: So! I was thinking about doing the Christopher Nolan movies.
Tacoma: Which one?
Donnie: All of them.
Tacoma: Uh, how do you do all of the Christopher Nolan movies?
Rebecca: No, I see where he's going with this. Like the Adam West Batman movie, where all the villains come together to try and take him out?
Donnie: Exactly, cept with more sharks.
Tacoma: Wait, let me get this straight. You want me to write a script combining all the Christopher Nolan movies, into one story, with all the characters and all the plot twists?
Donnie: Exactly! We can put it all in one movie. Everyone's always like ohh let's put them in one movie at a time, no just shove all in together it'll be great!
Tacoma: But most people can't even follow one Christopher Nolan movie without using a flowchart, don't you think that's going to be a little much?
Donnie: Well yeah, that's the American way, too much, too fast.
Tacoma: ...I don't think that's the American way.
Donnie: Sure it is! C'mon, ask Carl, he's as American as Uncle Sam, aren't you Carl?
(swing to the very German Carl)
Carl: Ja, sure, as American as foosball and Apple Strudel.
Donnie: There you go then!
(cut to Carl introducing himself, with a German choir playing in the background)
Carl: Guten Tag, my name is Carl Copenhagan, ich bin ein camera-man, and das here is mein camera, Cammy. Say Guten Tag, Cammy. (imitates the camera) Guten Tag. She ist mein liebling.
(cut to Rebecca)
Rebecca: Yeah, Carl's a weird one.
(cut to Donnie)
Donnie: I think he's Cajun?
(cut to Rebecca)
Rebecca: Russian, maybe?
(cut to Tacoma)
Tacoma: East German. He's always talking about "before ze wall fell".
(cut to Carl)
Carl: Before ze wall fell, I had quite the storied history. Unfortunately, all of that has been classified. Therefore, I will have to black out certain questions with my shortspen. Nein. Nein.
(cut to Tacoma)
Tacoma: I think he said he was in the German Navy.
(cut to Carl)
Carl: Nein, nein, nein, nein...
(cut to Donnie)
Donnie: I think he told me he was working for a lady named Stacey.
(cut to Carl)
Carl: (whispering) Nein...
(cut to Donnie)
Donnie: Or Statsi, I dunno, they have weird names.
(cut to Carl I'm sorry for all the cutting!)
Carl: Heh, look, there's only one more question left? How are you? None of your business.
(cut to Rebecca)
Rebecca: He seems to be really good friends with that other camera-man named Quinn.
(cut to Tacoma)
Tacoma: I think he's Irish.
(cut to Donnie)
Donnie: I'm pretty sure he's Cajun too.
(cut to Carl)
Carl: My assistant is Quinn, he did not work for the IRA, and he will not answer any of your questions.
(cut to Quinn doing exactly that, cut back to Carl)
Carl: He is a good listener is that friend. (smiles, but it fades) I mean camera-man.
(cut to Donnie's introduction finally, he has no music)
Donnie: I am Donnie DuPre, the founder and director of Demo Reel. Uh, we don't make a whole lot of money, in fact you could argue we're losing money, but you make sacrifices for your art and that's what counts. Outside of this I do not have a job, so I rely on my wife's income, and I know what you're thinking! (is hugging himself from now until the end of the speech) Donnie, how is that fair to you? Well it's not, you have no idea the stigma that's placed on stay at home husbands who make remakes with their best friends. Some might say I'm cheap, or dodging responsibility, but I ask you this, what kind of guy wants to set the women's work liberation thingy years back? Not me. I'm doing my wife a favor by allowing her to work. By giving her another spot for another working woman to come in. Now that's a sacrifice. (vo-ing over a shot of him looking very alone) I'm simply allowing working women the chance to be working women. I'm part of the liberation, I'm there doing it for my sisters. And if you think that's dodging responsibility, well you're more than welcome to set the women's work liberation thingy several years.
Carl: (disgusted) So you're supporting your wife's ability to support you?
Donnie: Oh see, you're finally getting it.
(cut to the writing room)
Donnie: Alright, so we're on board with the Nolan movies then?
Tacoma: Yeah, just one question. Can we go with the Harvey Dent from the first Burton Batman? You know, the one played by Billy Dee Williams? I kinda feel like he got the shaft, you know, replacing a charismatic black man with that Texas tool from the Fugitive.
Donnie: Ohh, I see, seeing what would happen if you had Billy Dee Williams play Two Face.
Donnie: Okay, I like this idea, it's like Lando Calrissian play both the Good and the Bad.
Tacoma: That's exactly what Lando Calrissian did.
Donnie: Yeah whatever, just make him the mayor of Gotham City.
(Title Card: The Dark Knight Begins Rising)
(cut to Wayne Estate Mansion House Manor Hall, Tacoma is Alfred and Rebecca is young Bruce)
Alfred: Master Bruce, seeing as how both your parents have been murdered, it is my job to serve you as your guardian.
Bruce: But wait, isn't that a little confusing seeing as how you're also my butler?
Alfred: I don't much like your tone. Go to your room.
Bruce: Go to your room!
Alfred: Yes, Master Bruce.
(cut to "Twenty Very Bizarre Years Later", Bruce is now being played by Donnie in a wig)
Bruce: So, Alfred, after years and years of soul-searching, I've finally decided the logical conclusion of what to do with my life. I'm gonna be a super-hero.
Bruce: That's it? Okay? I didn't even have to convince you.
Alfred: I've lived off your fortune for years now, I've seen prostitutes of every shape and color. The way I see it, if you wanted to go out and shoot the pope, I'd be behind you.
Bruce: You've never given up on me have you?
Alfred: Never. I will never give up on you. And neither will my brothel of well-paid whores.
Bruce: We have much work to do my horny old friend! This calls for a costume change.
Alfred: Like what?
Bruce: Something terrifying. (the epic music starts)
(we see Bruce's feet as he walks in)
Bruce: (vo) Alright Alfred, you can turn around now.
(Alfred turns and we and he see Bruce is dressed up like Mario)
Bruce: Terrifying, isn't it?
Alfred: No! Wh- it's Mario! Why are you dressed like a Mario brother?
Bruce: Mario scares me, it's time the rest of the world shares my fear.
Alfred: Nobody's frigging afraid of Mario! Why are you afraid of Mario?
Bruce: He's an Italian plumber who steps on turtles, that's just rude. And then he kicks them out of the shells, takes their home and then bludgeons them to death with it? Man's a psychotic! I don't want someone like that near my toilets.
Alfred: Go try another costume!
Bruce: Fine, fine, I'll find something else that scares me.
(rinse and repeat, feet again, epic music... and Bruce is dressed like Waldo)
Bruce: I am a creature of the night.
Alfred: Waldo?! You're afraid of Waldo?
Bruce: Nobody can find him. Even with his red and white striped shirt he always seems to blend in.
Alfred: Go get another one!
(cut to Bruce wearing the Santa Christ beard)
Bruce: Okay, who isn't afraid of Santa Claus?
(cut to Bruce as a witch with broom)
Bruce: Oooh I'm a spooky witch!
(cut to Doug in a banana costume... just go watch)
Bruce: I'm a banana.
(cut to Bruce as Spider-Man)
Bruce: I am Spider-Man.
Bruce: Does he wear red too?
Bruce: Oh my g- what are the odds of two guys representing a spider with the color red?
Alfred: Oh just get another one.
Bruce: I mean seriously, red!
(cut to Bruce with paper in front of his face)
Bruce: Look oooout, I'm a housing market correction, my increase in foreclosure rates on homeowners will lead to a crisis in sub prime loans and collaterized debt obligations.
Alfred: You either go and come up with something right now, or I will stab you in the eye.
Bruce: Oh gee, the only thing left is bats.
Alfred: Bats! See? Now that's something scary.
Bruce: Oh come on, they're like number fifty on my scary list.
Alfred: Just do it!
Bruce: Alright, if you think it's scary.
(epic music, feet, and Bruce is dressed as Mario again)
Bruce: You're absolutely sure we don't wanna go with the plumber?
Alfred: Right. I warned you. Right in the eye.
Bruce: (runs off) Alright, alright, I'll do bats!
(beep cuts us back to behind the scenes)
Rebecca: (vo) It's hard playing multiple roles, especially when you're the only female here. (cut back to her) Fortunately my background has prepared me for this. After I did my one woman Hamlet, I wrote a one woman Titanic. It's very tricky to do a hot steamy love scene by yourself.
Jack!Rebecca: Oh Rose, you're the most beautiful seventeen year old going on thirty that I've ever seen.
Rose!Rebecca: Oh Jack, you're the most beautiful twenty three year old going on twelve on all of steerage.
Jack!Rebecca: Wanna set sail for my pants?
(she falls off the chair as she gets way into it, ignoring a very grossed out Carl)
(cut to Donnie in Batman costume looking around the couch)
Donnie: Uh, has anyone seen my glove?
Rebecca: Batman glove?
Donnie: Yeah I got one, don't have the other one though. It's a black glove and I don't have my glasses and it's a black couch so it's kinda difficult.
Rebecca: Is this it? (she's holding a very small one)
Donnie: (uncharacteristically snarky) Yeah cos that's exactly, that's identical, good job, good job.
Rebecca: (upset) Just trying to help.
Donnie: It's just- wow, I don't even have glasses and I can tell it's not the right one. Okay (tries to put his hat over his Batman ears) I'll do better if I had my thinking hat. So I have the glove (it falls off and he throws it on the ground). Okay, screw the thinking hat. This is really ba- Batman can't only have one glove!
Rebecca: (trolling him with innocence) Why?
Donnie: Because he's fricking Batman why would he go around with one glove- what if they could identify his hand? They'd be like hey this hand looks very Bruce Wayne-ish. Is there any way we could write around the fact that Batman only has one glove?
Rebecca: Who else wears one glove?
Donnie: Michael Jackson...
Tacoma: That could be a nice plot twist...?
Donnie: And that's good because you have one black hand, one white hand, but the black hand is the gloved hand... I have no idea where I'm going with this this is the stupidest idea! You know what? We're just gonna call him one gloved Batman.
Rebecca: That'll definitely stick.
Donnie: Yeah, better than a glove.
(beep cuts us back to the parody, Rebecca is Jim Gordon and Donnie is still Batman)
Jim: Bearded One-Gloved Batman, a new enemy seems to have shown his evil face.
Batman: And who is that? High-pitched Commissioner Gordon.
Jim: He's a bank robber dressed in all-white make-up, known as only the Joker. Thoughts?
(epic music and close-ups)
Batman: He can wait.
Jim: Yeah I guess you're right, he is just some clown.
(title card: a few weeks later. sirens are wailing and explosions are booming behind them)
Batman: Wow, we were wrong on that one!
Jim: Yeah, note to self, clowns are evil.
Batman: We must put all our trust in Harvey Dent, he's a strong politician with a strong personality.
Jim: How do you know?
Batman: I saw him threaten one of the Joker's mentally disabled henchmen with a gun and a coin.
Jim: That sounds like a very mentally unstable person.
Batman: Oh he's fine, as long as you don't get anything on his face, he's pretty sensitive about that.
(beep back to behind the scenes, Tacoma comes in with his Joker make-up)
Tacoma: Hey Rebecca, um, can I ask you something?
Rebecca: Yeah, what?
Tacoma: Well I-I don't know really how to ask this but-
Rebecca: What is it?
Tacoma: Well, um, as a white person, uh, does this offend you? I mean am I crossing any boundaries or anything cos-
Rebecca: What do you mean?
Tacoma: I- I just feel kinda weird dressing up in white-face in- in front of a bunch of a white people.
Rebecca: Look, if it makes you feel any better, we did just cast you as a servant who always sides with his rich white master no matter how insane he is.
Tacoma: Know what, you're right. You crackers have it coming.
Rebecca: (sweetly) There you go.
(beep back to parody, Joker - played by Tacoma - is getting "interrogated" by Batman)
Joker: Y'see, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curb. These good people? Are only as good as the world wants them to be. Cos when the chips are down, these civilized people? Will eat each other. Let's delve into this a little further by examining the works of Friedrich Nietzsche.
Batman: Wait, why am I chit-chatting with you? You kidnapped two people!
Joker: Yeah, I was wondering that myself...
Batman: WHERE ARE THEY?!
Joker: You can take nothing away from me!
Batman: WHERE ARE THEY?! WHERE ARE THEY?!
Jim: (enters) Hey, I'm doing a coffee run, you guys want anything?
Joker: Nah, I'm good.
Batman: Two creams, two sugars. (Jim leaves) WHERE ARE THEY?!
Joker: It's okay. I'll tell you where they are. Both of them. Even though we've clearly established that there's no clocks in here, I'll rig it so you can only reach one of them in time.
Batman: How are you so sure that I'll only reach one of them and not the cops.
Joker: I saw you have a better GPS. It accounts for traffic and even updates the street names.
(cut to Batman storming out)
Jim: So which one you going for?
Batman: Who cares if the only hope for Gotham is about to be burned? I want nookie!
(cut to Empty Warehouse Inc, where Rachel (played by Rebecca) and Harvey (played by Tacoma) are being held)
Rachel: Well, it looks like this is the end. I've really enjoyed our time together Harvey Billy Dee Williams Dent.
Harvey: (all suave music, hair flipping and butter-melting voice) Don't worry my dear, I'm a man of few words, but those words will count and so will our actions hen we kick down the doors and shed the light on the law of that nest of vipers.
Rachel: Is it wrong to say that even though we're about to die, your voice just made me orgasm right now?
Harvey: If it is, I don't wanna be right.
(door-slam, Batman's entered the wrong corridor)
Batman: Oh for crying out loud!
Rachel: Really? You saved him instead of me?
Batman: It's not what you think honey.
Rachel: Oh I got it. He means more to you than me.
Batman: No I swear that's not it.
Rachel: Always business first, I understand. Hey! Harvey! You wanna know who Batman truly is?
Batman: You don't hear that.
Rachel: (as Batman sings over her) A very rich man... He's probably the only man in Gotham who can afford to be Batman... Seeing his name begins with a B...
Batman: Oh for God's sake, where are those cops?
(cut to the cops with Gordon)
Donnie!Cop: How come they never update the street names?
Tacoma!Cop: Look at this, it used to be the 88th and now it's the Regan Parkway.
Jim: Isn't there any other landmark that points us in the right direction?
(building goes boom)
All: (Sarcastically) Oh, there it is!
(end of part one, when we come back, Rebecca is eating an apple and is dressed as Catwoman)
Rebecca: Y'know, I'm actually perfect for the role for the role of Catwoman, because I actually speak cat? Um, for example, um, "feed me" is "krrowl", and uh, "let's play" - "mew mew mew". Um, let's see, "don't touch my mouse toy" - "moooow" (vo-ing over a weird shot of Donnie checking his phone) they're very territorial creatures. (back to her) Um, let's see, what else is there? Oh! Here's "help help you've trapped me in the washing machine" - "ROOOOWL ROOOOOWL"-
Carl: How the hell would you know that?
Rebecca: And here is "please take me to the vet right now" - "*sad whimpering*".
(beep back to parody, Bruce is sadface)
Bruce: What's it all for, Alfred, what it's all for? I mean, I lost Rachel. Maybe I should just hang up the mask and cowl and call it a good run.
Alfred: That's cock-and-tease ball bollocks. You are Gotham City's destiny, and it's time you started acting like an adult, and dress up as a bat.
Bruce: What about Rachel?
Alfred: F*ck (note: the show beeps out a lot of swears but leaves the important ones so) Rachel. Rachel's Kentucky Fried Chicken, eleven herbs and spices in a deep fryer.
Bruce: Jesus Alfred, give me a minute to mourn!
Alfred: You can mourn when you're dead. Now, why don't I cheer you up with one of my horror stories about raping the Burmese Jungle in search of the Blood Diamond?
Bruce: Well, I guess in the end I can take comfort in the fact that she did truly love me. (gets out a letter from the back of the couch) Oh look a letter from Rachel.
Alfred: Let me see that. "Dear Bruce. I don't lo-"
(silence, then he stuffs the letter in his mouth and leaves, cut back to Donnie and the others)
Tacoma: Hey Donnie, I'm a little nervous about my Bane impression?
Donnie: Why's that?
Tacoma: Well I don't have the voice down quite right, I remember even in the movie, even though he had the mask, he somehow projected more than anyone else in the entire film.
Donnie: Okay, no, actually, it's okay. Someone showed me how to do the perfect Bane impression.
Rebecca: Really, who?
Donnie: You know Ian Sinclair?
Rebecca: (squeeing) The voice actor?
(at the same time) Donnie: Yeeeaaah... Tacoma: (incredulous) You met Ian Sinclair?
Donnie: No. But I know someone who stalked him! And before they hauled him away in the police car, he told me that Ian Sinclair told him how to do the perfect Bane impression?
Rebecca: Well, how?
Donnie: Okay, you start off by doing your Sean Connery (the three ramble in that way). Alright, alright! Now, you do Sean Connery giving birth to Adam Sandler (more rambling). Alright, good! Now, you take your hands, you do the Ninja Gaiden thing, and then you place it over your mouth, and (Bane voice) suddenly the fire rises!
Tacoma: Oh my God, that's incredible!
Donnie: I know! Try it, try it!
Tacoma: (Bane voice) I am the league of shadows.
Rebecca: Let me try, let me try! (does it wrong) I am Gotham's reckoning.
Donnie: Okay okay, no, that's a common mistake. You can't just put your hands over like this, you have to do the Ninja Gaiden hands. Try it again.
Rebecca: (Bane voice) I am Gotham's reckoning. (normal squee) Oh my God!
(everyone squee-flirts together while the camera swings around to Carl rolling his eyes and taking a swig of whiskey)
Quinn: (as Donnie tells Rebecca she should shave her head and get muscles) Gimme a swig of that.
(beep back to parody, with Bane being played by Tacoma and his impossibly hot henchmen with eyeliner, tight black t-shirts and huge guns being played by Donnie and Rebecca)
Bane: Now's the time to terrorize Gotham, by feeding them false hope to poison their souls. It will begin here.
Henchwoman: This is an Arby's.
Bane: Of course.
Henchwoman: Why is it an Arby's?
Henchman: Yeah, I mean it's not exactly a very secret headquarters.
Bane: Have you ever eaten at an Arby's?
Bane: Have you?
Bane: Exactly! Nobody has! Who wants to pay five dollars for crappy deli meat and a cafeteria that the seventies forgot? Now, let us prepare for all of Gotham's supervillains is about to begin. Of course.
(cut to Bruce looking out a window, holding onto a cane)
Bruce: I'm a crippled man now Alfred, beaten and destroyed. But Bane is out there, and I have to stop him.
Alfred: You can't.
Bruce: Why not?
Alfred: What if I told you I had a secret letter from Rachel? A letter that I ate. A letter in which she said she didn't love you. And I've been letting you destroy yourself for the past eight years because I thought I was protecting you, by letting you pummel super-villains while dressing up as a bat.
Bruce: I'd say that was the ravings of a mad psychotic.
Alfred: Well, too little, too late.
Bruce: So do you want me to be Batman or do you not want me to be Batman?
Alfred: I'm leaving you, Master Wayne.
Bruce: What? Why?
Alfred: I can't watch you throw your life away.
Bruce: But wait, didn't in a scene earlier you just say (pulls over the scene where Alfred states he will never give up on Bruce) and now you're saying...
Alfred: I'm giving up on you, Master Wayne.
Bruce: Is it your time of the month or something?
Alfred: Goodbye, Master Wayne, and I'm keeping the jewelery.
Bruce: Figures he'd leave on laundry day.
(cut to Bane)
Bane: Brothers, are you ready?
(cut to Donnie as Ra's Al Ghul, Tacoma as Joker and Donnie as Scarecrow)
Ra's Al Ghul: Ra's Al Ghul, present.
Joker: Joker, present.
Scarecrow: Scarecrow, ready. Oooh, ooooh, oooooh.
Ra's Al Ghul: Stop that.
(cut to Bane and the purdy hench-people)
Bane: Then let the world see what true evil Arby's is capable of.
Henchwoman: Seriously, couldn't we have gone to the sewers...?
Bane: That would be an improvement, but I must admit their curly fries are curiously tasty.
Batman: Then you're gonna love my knuckle sandwich.
Bane: Batman, how did you find me?
Batman: Using my super-duper detective skills, I managed to locate what no other cop could.
Catwoman: (comes in) By the way, if you need help finding any other super-villains, I'm here. (goes back out again)
Batman: I don't know who she- (trails off) Anyway!
Bane: Prepare to die now!
(they fight pathetically with jittery music and Catwoman cowering behind a wet floor sign, Bane eventually gets the upper hand)
Bane: I know you worked hard to find me, Batman. In fact, it must have been back-breaking work!
(megaton punch to the spine and Batman's down)
Bane: Hah, did you see what I did there? I've been sitting on that one for a while. I was going to give this long speech about the shadows betraying you, but, oh God, you can't let a perfect zinger like that go to waste. Oh well, throw him in that cell I crawled out of.
(Henchmen carry him out and come back so Bane can continue)
Bane: Now, as for the rest of you. Prepare yourselves. Our attack will begin, as soon as the sun rises.
Henchwoman: Why then?
Bane: Because Arby's Breakfast sucks!
Henchman: But sir, what about the curly fries? They won't be done for lunch hour!
Bane: Oh don't worry, when the special sauce is done and the apricots(?) lie in ashes, then you have my permission to fry. (in Tacoma voice) That was the stupidest line I've ever-
(cut to Rebecca learning her lines while Tacoma is yelling at Donnie)
Tacoma: (vo) No! Absolutely not! This is an abomination!
Quinn: What are they arguing about?
Rebecca: Apparently we're getting close to the part where we reveal the super-villains together? But I guess Tacoma and Donnie have a disagreement about how we're going to do it.
(cut to Tacoma ranting, Donnie is just staring at him with expert puppy eyes)
Tacoma: Forget it, forget it! It's not going to happen! (puppy Donnie) There's no way it can work! (you'd fall for those eyes too) It's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! (just screw on the couch, boys) We're not doing the Super-Villain Shuffle!
(but they are, enjoy!)
Ra's al Ghul: I am Ra's al Ghul and I'm here to say, no inflection in your voice is A-OK. With the league of shadows I'll make Gotham fall, I have several identities all of them dull.
Harvey: I am Harvey Dent, and my face is bent. My evil motivation makes little sense. I was a nice guy but now I'm deranged, determining my future on back on change. My attitude can turn at the flip of a dame, boy I'll tell you, this deal's getting worse all the time.
Scarecrow: I am Dr. Crane, totally insane, but I only a few lines in this movie so next.
Joker: Now this is a story all about how, my frown got flipped turned upside down, and I'll like to take a minute, don't go too far, I'm gonna tell you a little story about how I got these scars. My daddy was a drinker, my wife she liked to gamble, my dog's a plastic surgeon please stop me if I ramble. My plans are so detailed it's like I see into the future, I'm a ball-busting, bat-bashing gangster-money moocher.
Catwoman, Joker and Ra's al Ghul: Word.
Tacoma: I quit.
(cut to Donnie and a sulking Tacoma on the couch)
Donnie: The reason you shouldn't quit is because you have so much potential left untapped.
Rebecca: (always popping up from behind) Potential.
Tacoma: How would you know? You never let me write what I want.
Donnie: I'm just trying to make both our visions come to life.
Rebecca: To life.
Tacoma: I'll tell you what, if you let me rewrite the ending, I'll come back.
Donnie: Why, what's wrong with my ending?
Tacoma: Batman should not be an alien from the planet Zeist-
Donnie: Alright, alright, how about we go along with your ending?
Donnie: Let's do it!
Rebecca: Let's do it. (gets stared at, she goes back down)
Tacoma: You won't change it or anything?
Tacoma: Alright, let's do it!
Donnie: Awesome! The first thing we gotta do is the climax.
Rebecca: (from the look on her face totally wanting boy-on-boy action) Climax! (Donnie gently pushes her back down)
(cut to Indiafrica, Donnie is Bruce again and Tacoma is the prison dude)
Bruce: So this is the world's greatest prison?
Dude: Yes my trapped friend.
Bruce: Well, there is no prison on this planet that can trap the world's greatest detective. Help me fight off the guards.
Dude: There's no guards.
Bruce: The world's greatest prison doesn't have any guards?
Bruce: Okay, well, help me dig a hole.
Dude: There's already a hole.
Bruce: The world's greatest prison already has a hole in it. Okay, alright, we will be the first to get out of there.
Dude: Actually, somebody already has. A small child.
Bruce: So let me get this straight, the world's greatest prison has no guards, a giant hole in it, was broken out of by a little boy-
Dude: Little girl.
Bruce: Little girl, and somehow this was supposed to hold me?
Bruce: Screw this, I'm getting out of here. (chant starts, he falls) Alright, just a practice. (chant starts, he falls) Alright, alright, best out of five. (chant starts) Think I got it! I got it! No I don't. (he falls) Okay. (as he starts to go, the chart starts early) Are they saying pepsi bubblegum?
Dude: They're really old, we can just about to get them to say anything. Watch. (shouts over) Cardboard!
Chanting: Cardboard! Cardboard! Cardboard! Cardboard! Cardboard! Cardboard! Cardboard!
(cut back to Donnie and a pissed off suited Rebecca holding a "wig")
Rebecca: Donnie, what is this?
Donnie: Oh that's the wig for the little boy singing the National Anthem.
Rebecca: A wig. Cos I don't see hair, it looks more like somebody left a swimming cap on the stove.
Donnie: How did I know that's what I- just, it's gonna look great on camera. You're gonna wear it and everyone will be like "wow that's a boy!"-
Rebecca: Have you smelled it? Smell it. Smell it.
Donnie: It's very... (bats it away as his eyes roll back) Look, bottom line, you're gonna put it on, it'll look great on camera and everyone will be like "wow that's a little boy!" n-not that you're not very very feminine I-
Rebecca: Okay look, there is no way I am wearing this-
(he obviously convinced her somehow, we think oral, as she's perfectly fine to wear it while singing)
(as she's singing, we're with Bane)
Bane: What a lovely, lovely voice. You know, maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe there is still hope and decency left in the world, and this child, this innocent child has shown me the way, with the voice of an angel...
(she mangles the note)
Bane: Ugh, no, that's dreadful. Oh well, time to die.
(child goes boom, cut back to the prison)
Bruce: Wait a minute, I- yes, I finally made it my friends.
Dude: Hooray! And you'll be sure to send someone to save us, right?
Bruce: Of course my good friends! Unless of course for some reason I have to sacrifice myself for the good of the city giving away who I am so I have to fake my death in which case you're all unbelievably screwed! I'll try not to let that happen!
(cut to Bane in the Superbowl thing)
Bane: Citizens of Gotham, I have a nuclear thing-a-bomb that's timed to explode in exactly six months. Prepare for the same moral lesson that you got about chaos in the previous two movies. I will watch and laugh, and when I've decided you've all hit rock bottom, then I will blow your urban hell back to God.
Audience Member 1: Why don't you just blow us up now?
Bane: Because I want to punish you?
Audience Member 2: Just do it already!
Audience Member 3: Yeah! I got stuff to do!
Bane: Very well! If that's the way you want it, I'll just blow you up now! (cheering) Wait, wait, crap, I'm here. Um, hold on, Gotham, I can't do that right now. (booing) Alright, alright! I'll tell you what. Let me get a taxi, maybe get a few hundred miles away from here, and then I will blow you up! (cheering) Oh wait, wait, I've destroyed all the bridges. Damn. Um, I kinda shot myself in the foot here, um, let's just keep the game going! C'mon, c'mon, I think I saw some of you crawling towards the exits. Anybody? Nothing? Shoot. Um, who wants to see Madonna's halftime show? (booing)
(cut to the cops and Jim Gordon on the ice)
Tacoma!Cop: Somebody knocked out the guards!
Jim: But who?
Jim: Batman! Thank God you've saved us from falling into the ice! What's your plan?
Batman: Well my plan is- (falls into the ice and splutters a lot)
Jim: Oh for God's sake, did you really think the ice would hold you too? They sent us out here to die, man! (spluttering) What made you think that would hold you anyway? Your costume has to weigh a ton.
Batman: Just do me a favor and light that flare.
Jim: Oh now you want to put fire on the incredibly sensitive ice.
Batman: It'll let my enemies know I'm here.
Jim: Wouldn't you want to keep that a secret? In fact, how the hell would you put gasoline all the way across the ice and up a bridge?
Batman: Oh for God's sake save me!
(cut to Bane and Batman in the snow)
Batman: Hello. Miss me?
Bane: How the hell are you walking? I broke your bleeding back!
Batman: One of the in-mates had a rope. Straightened me out.
Bane: A rope? A frigging rope? What is he, MacGyver's chiropractor?
Batman: Well I also did some push-ups.
Bane: Push-ups? You were an invalid for eight years!
Batman: Quite a twist huh?
Ra's al Ghul's daughter: You want a twist? I'll give you a twist.
Batman: Oh hey, it's that woman who I barely know who I slept with.
Ra's al Ghul's daughter: I'm actually Ra's al Ghul's daughter.
Ra's al Ghul's daughter: Yeah! I hated my father so much that after you killed him, I decided to avenge his death.
Batman: That doesn't make any sense.
Ra's al Ghul's daughter: You want it to make even less sense? I'm also- (hair flip)
Batman: Rachel Dawes!
Rachel: That's right! You left me to die so it's time to return the favor.
Catwoman: Well isn't that a pleasant surprise. For I'm Rachel's twin sister, Racquel Dawes!
Bane and Batman: Whaaa?
Catwoman: That's right, I was hired to work for Bane but now my second life is having second thoughts.
Third Rock From The Sun Kid: Well isn't that quite a turn.
Batman: Hey look, it's that Third Rock From The Sun kid.
Third Rock From The Sun Kid: That's right, for I'm really (um, head flip?) Robin.
Bane: I'm so confused. Does anyone have a flowchart?
(cut to office room, with Bane, Batman and Catwoman on the floor, and Harvey going over a flowchart)
Harvey: So, Selina is just one of a thousand clones, Bane is just another of my multiple personalities, and the mime was the scene of the crime the whole time.
Bane: I still don't know how Tesla fits into all this.
Catwoman: David Bowie was awesome though.
Bane: David Bowie was in there?
Batman: You gotta tilt your head to see it.
Bane: Ah, there he is.
Batman: I think it would have been a lot better if we didn't introduce all the plot twists in the last five minutes.
Catwoman: Let's just wrap this up.
Batman: Let's do it!
(fighty fight Adam West style, but when Batman punches Bane, Tacoma passive-aggressive texts: The eternal battle between good and evil, saint and sinner. Yeah I know Donnie just wanted mindless sound effects, but you know what, when he went to the bathroom during editing, I came in and made scenes like this a touch more dramatic. I mean let's face it he never looks at what I write anyway, so I doubt he'll even notice this. In fact my guess is that he's too busy looking at his bat-nipples to even notice the sound-effects in this scene. Whatever. I got my dramatic moment, even it was just a second long, and just like my best writing, Donnie will never take the time to look at it. Okay, I'm done. Back to your nonsense.)
(cut to Tacoma coming out of Dent costume, Quinn pulls out of a knife)
Quinn: Alright, let's get that make-up off you.
(Tacoma screams and hides behind Donnie)
Donnie: Quinn, not again.
(cut back to Batman and Catwoman)
Catwoman: Batman, the bomb's about to go off! What are we gonna do?
Batman: I have to sacrifice myself, for the good of the city. Yoink!
Catwoman: You can't! You've given these people all you have.
Batman: Not everything. Not yet.
Catwoman: Why? Why would you sacrifice yourself?
Batman: Because you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I am the hero, not that Gotham deserves, but the one that they need. For am I the terror that flaps in the night, I am the very model of a modern major general, I am the walrus, I am what I am and that's all that I am. For I am... Bat-Jesus. (choir begins, Batman is now dressed in white and ascends to heaven) And the bat shall lay down with the bomb. (boom!)
Catwoman: Godspeed, Bat-Jesus, godspeed.
(cut to Tacoma and Donnie on the couch)
Donnie: Okay. Tell me about this ending you really really want to do.
Tacoma: Well. It always bothered me at the end Alfred looks up and he sees something, then Nolan just gives it away. (Donnie goes from reluctant to interested now that he knows Tacoma is bitching about the movie) You actually see Bruce and Selina together. We don't need that. It should be ambiguous. Y'know, Alfred looks up, he smiles, what does Alfred see? We hold that shot and the audience just keeps guessing the whole time. Y'know? It's more powerful that way.
Donnie: Y'know I think I like that. You hold on Alfred, you never actually see if he's seeing Bruce, you don't see what he's seeing.
Donnie: I think that's a good idea. You know what, let's do this. Let's make this happen.
Tacoma: Yes! Yes! Thank you!
(cut to Tacoma in color)
Tacoma: I'm really excited about this. I've always wanted to see a more subtle ending to this film. Something that works here, the brain. This time around you won't see what Alfred sees with your eyes, instead you'll see it with your mind.
Donnie: Okay, okay, we got the ending right here buddy, just the way you wanted it.
Tacoma: Great! Thanks! Oh, wait, there's dialog?
Donnie: Oh nothing much, we can cue card it, just that spontaneity mind inside the- stuff you like.
Tacoma: But it's still my idea?
Donnie: Oh yeah yeah no no it's still your idea, I promise you we never see what Alfred is seeing.
Tacoma: Okay, good.
(cut to filming)
Tacoma: Okay, where's the cue-card gonna be?
Donnie: I'm gonna be holding the cue-card right over there. As soon as I say action, you read right off it.
Tacoma: Alright, as long as we don't see what Alfred is seeing.
Donnie: I promise you we do not see what Alfred is seeing.
(cut to Alfred)
Alfred: Why, Master Wayne, I can't believe it's you sitting right there across from me, and with Selina Kyle, who woulda thunk it, you two free and together at last. Oh happy day. (face falls as he realizes) Wait. Motherfu-
(as he has a swearing ragefest, cut to Donnie at his computer. There's a big empty wine glass to the side)
Donnie: Yeah he's right, that was a lot better. Alright, now it's time to edit out his "commentary" at the end.
(after credits, we go back to Donnie for the story-starting)
Donnie: One of the few downsides of being an online filmmaker is that you do have bills to pay. But fortunately I have my wife's income to help out with that, which I'm sure a lot of people find fault with. (opens the envelope) Oh actually, this one's a letter. "Dear Donnie DuPre, we represent Swede Film-makers everywhere blah blah blah, we saw Be Kind Rewind first yadda yadda yadda, we will make you pay blah blah blah". Okay, doesn't matter. Here, let me show one of the perks of film-making by showing you everything about lighting. Now these li- Oh I forgot to edit this scene hold on.
(as he talks to himself, we focus on the end of the letter: PS - if our demands are not met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur!)
|Demo Reel Transcripts and Info|
|Episodes:||The Dark Knight Begins Rising · Wreck It Ralph Vs Angry Birds · Lost In Translation Bromance Version · The Blair Witch Hangover · Blue Patches · Transformers (DVD Exclusive)|
|Shorts & Specials:||Demo Reel Annoys Rob Paulsen · The Review Must Go On|
|Characters:||Donnie DuPre · Tacoma Narrows · Rebecca Stone · Carl Copenhagan · Quinn|