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The Conqueror
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Release Date
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February 04, 2014
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Running Time
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22:24
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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Tagline
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Remember that time John Wayne played Genghis Khan in a movie filmed downwind from a nuclear testing site? Yep, this happened.
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Link
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The Cinema Snob: Welcome to a new episode of The Cinema Snob where we're taking a look at a Hollywood movie that's so what-the-fuck, that it's radioactive, heh-heh!
The crowd boos him, which blends into the OPENING SEQUENCE
Snob: You might be asking yourself, what qualifies the 1956 film The Conqueror as being an example of "what the fuck, Hollywood?" Well, it stars John Wayne as Genghis Khan, the movie was produced by Howard Hughes, who after the movie's release bought up every single copy of the film and watched it endlessly until its 1974 TV debut, and it was filmed downwind from a nuclear testing site that gave many of the cast and crew members cancer over the years. So... I'm sorry, do I-- do I need to go on, because seriously, what the FUCK?!
Film footage
Snob (VO): The film is often regarded as a notorious bomb, even though it did eventually turn in a profit, and was the eleventh most successful film of the year, but at the same time, it turns up in multiple lists of the worst films ever made, popping up in (Cover for Harry &...) Michael Medved's book, The Hollywood Hall of Shame.
Snob: I know, I know; your first instinct is to do everything that's the opposite of what Michael Medved says, and that's a pretty good instinct.
Zoom back on the cover of...
Snob (VO): Plus, there was even a nod to it in The Official Razzie Movie Guide!
Snob: Hm. They actually watch the movies? I just thought they always went with whatever was popular to hate.
Back to the film
Snob (VO): But is The Conqueror the colossal fuck-up that legend has told us throughout the years?
Snob: Um, yeah, it is. End of episode. Haha, I'm just kidding, let's have some fun.
The RKO Radio Pictures logo plays
Snob (VO): You'll have to excuse me; I'm not used to seeing RKO Radio Pictures without Tim Curry dancing in front of it. And it's filmed in CinemaScope, (Film footage) an old technique used to make white actors look Asian! (Opening credits) With Howard Hughes producing, you know he rid the set of any and all harmful bacterias and air!
Snob: Mmmm. Too soon? I hope not, 'cause I don't wanna go to Hell too terribly fast.
The credits continue over shots of the Mongolian army riding into battle on horseback
Snob (VO): The credits are very, very big, as to say, "no, seriously, it's fuckin' John Wayne playing a Mongolian. Don't believe us? We also got Susan Hayward, as a Tartar princess! If you're upset, it's okay; look! [On Pedro Armendáriz] This guy's name sounds foreigny! He's in the movie! And Lee Van Cleef was the Master Ninja! That's almost Asian! Maybe Agnes Moorehead can use her witch powers on the audience so they won't know the difference!" (The following text appears over a wide shot) What's this, "this story, though fiction, is based on fact?"
Snob: Oh. So the movie's fiction.
Poster for...
Snob (VO): Maybe at the beginning of Amityville Horror, they should have wrote "This movie is fiction. But houses really exist." (Back to the opening) Huh. "Plunder and rapine were a way of life?"
Snob: Rapine, another word for "looting, plundering, and war rape!" That was a nice way of saying this movie is about a guy who raped people.
The movie proper begins
Snob (VO): Our story begins with the delivery of the world's largest cupcake to appease the pharaoh. Also, rapine-ist. Think of how many cocks we'd be seeing right now if this were Caligula! (Our first view of Bortai [Hayward]) Hey, I'm totally outside now, you guys. (Two men ride in on horseback) This is when the greatest stuntmen alive were horses. (Pan up on Bortai) Say, she looks like Elizabeth Taylor. She must be Egyptian!
Snob: Now, with the Fu Manchu mustache, and... the eyes, you might be wondering what John Wayne's voice is gonna sound like here. And many of you may be predicting this.
Cut to a Post Rice Krinkles commercial
- So-Hi: Kids, now you get rickshaw runner completely free, inside every box of Post Rice Krinkles. Ah so! (He bangs his cymbals)
Snob: That's So-Hi. They only call him that because he's so high. Heh-heh, you can't get mad at me; that was his actual catchphrase!
A close-up of Temujin (Wayne)
Snob (VO): Well, he doesn't quite sound like that. More like...
- Temujin: I share your taste in women, Targutai. But not in blood. (Bortai just looks at him)
Snob: Yep. He sounds like John Wayne, only with... broken English? So in other words, totally Mongolian!
- Temujin: Farewell, Tartar woman. (He and Tartugai [Leslie E. Bradley] ride off)
Snob (VO): They call her "Tartar woman" not because she's Eastern European or Northern Asian, but because she's white, like tartar sauce.
- Bortai: Would a Mongol dare touch Kumlek's daughter?
Snob: I'm not sure. Let me know when a Mongolian shows up.
Snob (VO): But I'm sure that the more they keep talking, the more I'll totally keep buying this casting.
- Temujin: I feel as Tartar woman is for me. My blood says "take her."
Snob (VO): Okay, surely John Wayne couldn't have been their first choice here! And wouldn't you know it, actors (Photos of...) Marlon Brando and Richard Burton were also considered for the role!
Snob: Euckh! Well, okay, those are... technically better actors, I guess, but I think you're missing the point here! That's like coming out of The Jazz Singer and saying "hey, this would be less offensive if it were Bing Crosby in blackface."
Snob (VO): Temujin wants to claim Susan Hayward's Bortai as his own. But first, he needs to search the town for the Avatar, and recruit his younger brother, who is turning into the Incredible Hulk!
Snob: Great; that should've been their first tip-off that this set is radioactive! They're turning into superheroes!
Temujin and his army on horseback
Snob (VO): Now they're all ready for the attack!
- Temujin: Are you women that you tremble before a horse half your number? You fear the market's revenge, I seek it! But him who shrinks from it say so and be gone!
Snob (VO): Look, Duke, it's just that you look really ridiculous with that tape on your eyes! (The battle begins) They're lucky that they have this footage left over from the opening credits. That cuts their ambush time in half! Horses must be the most confused animals on the planet, because thanks to Hollywood epics, they must constantly be thinking that they've stepped into a time machine. (Tartugai stops by Bortai's throne) You know, this is a pretty good action sequence until the characters start talking!
Temujin leads another man, not on horseback
- Temujin: On, brave sooner! Would you desert your bride on ???
Snob: That's the weird thing about this movie. While it is technically one of the Duke's worst, it is a old-school Hollywood ambition with a very large budget, so...it's simultaneously one of his most well-made!
Temujin and his men are at Bortai's throne
Snob (VO): But on the other hand, I don't think the soundtrack understands that no means no!
Temujin tears off Bortai's dress, and the music turns romantic
Snob: Ehhhhummm...romantic?
- Bortai: You say you are Mongol. I am Bortai, daughter of Kumlek, chief of all the Tartars.
Snob (VO): Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh, no you're not! (At the Mongol campsite) And just when you think they can't say anything dumber, they say something dumber!
- Temujin: See to the sharing of the booty.
Snob: John Wayne just said that he wants to "share booty." There are times when I love this job, heh-heh! This...is one of those times.
Snob (VO): And oh my God, is that supposed to be his MOTHER?
- Temujin's Mother: A fair prize, my son, if my eyes see well!
- Temujin: Better than you know, my mother.
Snob (VO): Fuck me, I have an easier time believing that (Still from The Jerk) this is Steve Martin's mother! (The campsite at night) The way the casting is, that's probably supposed to be a giraffe they're cooking! Whatever animal it is, it's nice that they donated its fur to John Wayne's head!
A camper starts singing
Snob (VO): [On a glance Temujin makes at her] That's the look of an actor who has no idea what she's singing about! (Temujin carries Bortai to his tent) But it's that time; he's gonna Fifties-movie-rape her, (Inside the tent) which means, ehhh, he's gonna make her dance.
- Temujin: Know this, woman: I take you for wife. (Bortai struggles, but they ultimately kiss)
Snob: Oh, you don't sound Mongolian! You sound like a drunk man who forgot how pronouns work!
A scene with Jamuga (Armendáriz) and another camper
Snob (VO): Wait, I don't like this scene; it has slightly more appropriate actors in it.
- Bortai: Temujin did not think he missed you, until I refused him. (She puts her arms around him) You I would not refuse, Jamuga.
- Jamuga: (After feeling her arm) I am tempted, woman.
Snob: I would be too. Pale, red-headed Tartar women have all the fun!
Jamuga looks outside the window to see another battle
Snob (VO): Oh shit, stay inside! They're filming a day-for-night sequence; that's very dangerous! This character dies when stabbed with a spear. I'm sure the actor died when the horse fell on him. Thank God Temujin rescues her from being rescued. I'm used to seeing John Wayne ride off into the sunset, but not with the woman he's kidnapped!
Snob: Again, I don't think the music knows the context of these scenes!
Far away from the campsite, Temujin assaults Bortai
Snob: The music is telling us From Here to Eternity, but the scene is showing us I Spit on Your GRAVE!
It ends in a kiss
Snob: Moral is, when John Wayne forces a kiss on you, heh... just go with it.
A crowd walks into view
Snob (VO): Yes, that's right, John Wayne. They're all judging you. (Cut to Temujin and Bortai) Take that shit off your face! (In the tent with...) Temujin's brother, Jamuga, approaches to let Temujin know about Bortai's attempted escape.
- Temujin: And you stand with him? Where is your faith, my brother? I was to bring under my standard all the tribes of the Gobi! None would dare stand against me! Was not that once your dream for me, Jamuga?
Snob: ...ever wanna know what it would be like if C.W. McCall did Shakespeare? Well...!
Snob (VO): Everything about this movie is a weird sit, especially in that Temujin, though doing and saying very villainous things, is supposed to be the hero!
- Jamuga: There's no limit to her perfidy.
- Temujin: She is a woman, Jamuga.
Snob (VO): #feminist.
- Temujin's Mother: It is a Nomad, my son.
- Temujin: What woman's talk is this, my mother?
Snob (VO): #superfeminist! As I mentioned earlier, the entire set of the movie was contaminated by complete nuclear fallout. 91 of the 220 people who worked on the film developed some form of cancer over the next twenty years, and for reference, typically in a group that large, only about 30 people would normally get cancer during their life.
Snob: And beyond that, they knew where they were FILMING! There are photos and video of the cast with a GEIGER COUNTER on set, laughing at the results! This has gone from "what the fuck, Hollywood?" to "goddamnit, 1950s!"
Snob (VO): Sorry, was that a buzzkill? Back to the movie, and-- seriously, John? Don't drink that! Keep turning on your charm!
Temujin assaults Bortai again
- Temujin: I have taken you for wife, Bortai!
Snob (VO): #superduperfeminist!
Snob: Seriously, this is Hollywood romanticizing history. Something romantic is bound to happen soon!
Temujin takes Bortai inside his tent
- Temujin: You were younger and way more nimble at dodging swords... unlike doing you women to keep the furs! (He puts Bortai down) For they too are beautiful. (They kiss)
Snob: See? There you go; a very nice, romantic scene, showcasing John Wayne for the very charismatic actor that he is!
...that is, until Temujin slaps Bortai across the face. All Snob can do is look at the camera, shocked. Then we cut to another scene.
Snob (VO): ANYWAY, remember when ill-conceived movies like this were at least beautiful to look at? Heh, now they (Poster for The Legend of Hercules) look like my screensaver just crashed my computer! (Cut inside) Here's the part where they visit the Gungan Leader; thanks, George! (A bunch of women start dancing) What is this, Bollywood Indiana Jones now? Only if that were the case, this would make up about half of the movie's length! That's the Maharaja? Lady Gaga?
- Temujin: A woman of Samurcan. I recognize her by the...
Snob: I believe the word you're looking for is "tits," Duke.
Snob (VO): Lady Bortai decides to one-up her by doing what everyone does in the movies that I watch, making her vagina sing! (Bortai dances with the ribbon, dubbed over with "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo") After this, Temujin demands she be sent off to the women's quarters; which, given that this was filmed in the Fifties, I'm sure is still a kitchen. Meanwhile, the Shaman comes in, who gives exactly the kind of stereotypical performance that I'm sure we expected out of the lead!
- Shaman (John Hoyt): A graver question demands a shorter answer. Let the sheep be slaughtered, and the shoulder blade brought hither. The spirits shall speak.
Snob: Yes, thank you, Christopher Lee from Castle of Fu Manchu. Could've been worse. (Still of a certain infamous character from Breakfast at Tiffany's) Could've been this!
Snob (VO): If the point of this movie was to make us forget about the existence of (Poster of...) Big Jim McLain, (Back to The Conqueror) I'd say they've done their job! Forget the Shaman, it's not easy staring directly into the sun.
- Shaman: The rising sun never finds a servant of the heavens sleeping.
Snob: Thank you, Yoda. Any other wise sayings?
- Shaman: I would speak further, but, uh...
Snob: But, uh, I've suddenly forgot how to speak Engrish!
Snob (VO): Too bad it wasn't Hugh Grant or Keith David made up in yellowface. Then this movie would be genius!
- Temujin: I value your good wishes, Shaman. For all your doll of my report last night.
Snob: God, every time he talks to someone, it sounds like he's asking Walter Brennan to fix him a batch of biscuits!
Snob (VO): And like every good leader, he abandons the fight to go chase his woman! I'm starting to think that this is now TURKISH Indiana Jones! But then the Star Wars theme would be playing. I gotta say, I do respect that John Wayne wanted to do something different and go outside the box when choosing this role, but, there is such a thing as going so far outside the box that you're approaching outer SPACE! (Back to an earlier scene) And, uh, wait a minute, was that William Conrad earlier? Well, anyway, Bortai sends out her troops to capture Temujin, which they easily do. With John Wayne being led to the slaughter, who will be there to tell him that he truly was the King of Kings?
- Tartar Warrior: Behold, Tartars! I bring you Temujin, son of Yesugei!
Snob (VO): That's not Temujin, you fool! You captured (Promotional picture of...) Big Jake! This, by the way, was Peter Sellers' most intimidating Asian character. And what in the hell is going on (A green oval appears...) back there?! (...and disappears) Have they run out of white actors to where they're now using BEARS?! Surely, one guard and a preschool fence will hold them in! (Temujin smacks the guard) Or not! (Bortai takes a knife to the ropes) Here, let me cut that plastic off of you. You look tired! (Temujin is freed, leading to Bortai embracing him) And according to the script, I'm supposed to be in love with you now. (Cut to a woman with a stern look on her face) Disapprove! (Next scene) We better escape before the extras from Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks catch them. (Outside) Now it's time to flee this village of erect nipples!
A soldier throws a spear into Temujin's chest, knocking him over
Snob: Shit! Again, very well-made movie, probably among the most well-made I've ever done on this show! But then...
- Jamuga: Lord, we believed you slain!
- Temujin: (Throws his helmet to the side) Death comes...not easy to Temujin.
Snob: Neither do words, apparently.
Commercial break
Snob (VO): Temujin returns to his people, and I know there's a Big Jake and the Fatman joke in here somewhere. I just gotta search a little harder. (Inside) At this point, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!
- Temujin: This he shall pay for tenfold. We march against the Tartar.
- Jamuga: With Wain Khan?
- Temujin: (As two women walk inside) With the legions of Wain Khan and the Mongol clans, I gather.
- Hunlun (Moorehead): What folly do I hear?
- Temujin: We march against Kublai.
Snob: Great, the script has gone from "broken English" to "pure word salad!"
Snob (VO): Maybe Agnes Moorehead can get revenge on the Tartar leader by turning him into a field mouse! (The Shaman looks outside the window) Oh crap, the Shaman just ate a handful of Sour Patch Kids. Give him a minute. (As Temujin finishes a bath) If only Bruno Mattei did a version of this. I would have loved to have seen Temujin reincarnated as Nero!
- Man: Speak!
- Shaman: The slaves...their tongues have been cut out, speak freely.
Snob: Yes, they can't speak, which means... they can't hear?
To be continued