The Worst Christmas Special EVER!
December 24, 2013
(It starts with a shot of a coffee machine as Critic is trying tiredly to push the buttons on it. Malcolm walks up behind him, holding his own cup)
Malcolm: Oh, hey, Critic! Merry Christmas Eve!
(Suddenly, NC snaps and grabs Malcolm's jacket and slams his back on the fridge door)
NC: (threateningly) What's so merry about it? I have just seen the absolute worst holiday special of all time.
Malcolm: "Santa Zombie Eats Jesus"?
NC: Worse! It's so bad, I haven't slept in nights. It's kept me awake throughout the entire season. If I'm not careful, I might start hallucinating!
Malcolm: Hey, Critic! (Appearing from the door behind the NC, who turns to him) Who are you talking to? (Critic turns at the fridge to find nobody there)
NC: You got any NyQuil?
(We fade to NC looking very tired and twitchy, much similar to his expression in the beginning of his Magic Voyage review)
NC: (shaky) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And Merry Christmas Eve to you. (pause and continues to shake) Or at least it would be, before I found out this unholy abomination existed! That's right, I have found it. I have found the absolute worst Christmas special of all time. Hands down, no comparison, Yuletide crap! (pauses to compose himself) It's called "The Christmas Tree".
(Various clips from the special start playing, starting off with the opening titles.)
NC (vo): It's unlikely you've ever heard of it, but it's getting more and more of a following as, you guessed it, the worst holiday special ever made. Its acting? Atrocious. Its animation? Beyond cheap. Its story? What brain operated by a dead hamster on a broken spinning wheel would be fucking stupid enough to greenlight this shit?! It might be the only Christmas special where literally everything about it was done completely, 100% wrong. And I mean EVERYTHING! There are no words to describe how bad it is. It just has to be witnessed.
NC: (Now pulled together, and quoting the introduction to Plan 9 from Outer Space) And that is why you are here, isn't it? You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. (the "Approaching Evil" music starts building up) (inhale) And now for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened that fateful day! We are giving to you all the evidence based only on the secret testimonials of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal! The incidents, the places; my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer! Let us punish the guilty! Let us reward the innocent! (music finally reaches scary climax as the picture takes a blue tint) MY FRIEND, CAN YOUR HEART STAND THE SHOCKING FACTS ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS TREE?! (lightning flashes, followed by thunder) Let's find out.
NC (vo): It opens with a clichéd narrator reading a clichéd book that looks more like a dictionary of Tetris pieces than legible literature.
Narrator: Our story takes place in an orphanage with some children and a pine tree. The orphaned children live under the control of the evil rules of a lady named (camera suddenly zooms on her) Mrs. Mavilda.
NC: (reacts) Dah! Movement!
(cuts back to the movie)
NC (vo) : Oh, I'm sorry, that so rarely happens in this special!
Narrator: The children never had toys, new clothes, or anything. But they had a friend. The pine tree they named Mrs. Hopewell. Yes, Hopewell. Because the kids believed that the tree was magical.
NC (vo, as the narrator): The kids were obviously exposed to too much car exhaust to imagine such a non-imaginative idea.
Narrator: She had a pretty dress with bows and lace, and a new pair of pants and a sweater to put on whichever child she was going to show off to the mayor. This way, every time the mayor came by, he always thought that Mrs. Mavilda was taking good care of her children.
NC (vo): A thorough inspection, as you can see, accompanied by the fact that direct deposits and business checks have now been replaced with big bags of money. Hey, who needs a paper trail, when you have (picture of Scrooge McDuck) millionaire duck currency?
Narrator: Mrs. Mavilda would immediately take off the child's clothes, and put them away in a closet for the mayor's next visit. Poor children.
NC (vo): Well, you're not making the situation better by uncomfortably holding on their naked bodies like that— (next scene) Thank you! So Mrs. Mavilda bets all the money she has on poker games with her friends, and the kids continue to suffer for it. She doesn't even let them feed the street dog named Licorice, as she tries to have the pound take him away.
(Licorice breaks loose, and the kids cheer him; NC focuses and points a green arrow on one kid to the far right nodding his head like a weirdo)
NC (vo, laughs): What is up with this kid? The other children are at least clapping and cheering, but he's just rocking his head like a psychopath. (NC imitates him) Play some heavy metal music over that! (heavy metal song plays)
NC: (rocks his head again and makes the devil horn symbol) I like dogs!
NC (vo): Later on, we see a family moves into town, and is looking for work. So they go to the mayor—which doesn't really seem like his jurisdiction, but again, he keeps his bank account in (that picture of Scrooge again) money bags—and he tells them that the husband can work at the lumber mill, but has to live in the boarding house without his family. However, he offers the family a chance to live at Chateau de Fuckhole, where Mrs. Mavilda will take the mother, named Judy, in as an assistant.
Ray: (deadpan) …come from the mayors.
Mrs. Mavilda: I know, I know!
Ray: (deadpan) I better go now. Take good care of yourself and the children, Judy. I won't be back before Christmas.
NC (vo): Wow, David Duchovny on quaaludes could show more emotion than that!
Ray: (deadpan) Goodbye, children. Be good.
NC (vo, as Ray): I'm gonna check with the doctor, and see if I'm clinically still alive.
Mrs. Mavilda: Can we go now?
NC (vo): So Mrs. Mavilda explains that Judy's kids have to be treated the exact same way as the other kids.
Mrs. Mavilda: They're going to stay with the other children, and under the same rules and regulations.
Judy: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Mavilda: Come, children, Follow me—another thing!
NC: (reacts) The hell was that?!
Mrs. Mavilda: Come, children. Follow me—another thing!
NC: (as Mrs. Mavilda) I apologize, sometimes my other personality interrupts me—No I don't—Shut up, whore!
Mrs. Mavilda: This is going to be your bedroom. I don't want to hear anybody crying around here! And most of all, no pillow fights! You understand? Because, if you think that you're not going to be punished because you have your mother here, you're gonna be mighty disappointed!
NC (vo, as Mrs. Mavilda/Wicked Witch of the West): I'll get you, my frozen, awkwardly blinking pretties! And your repeated two frames of animation, too! (witch laugh) (normal) So Judy's kids try to see if they can fit in with the other children.
(Lily turns around, and the other kids smile at them…creepily. NC is made uncomfortable by this.)
NC: (squirming) Was that supposed to be charming them, or satanically hypnotizing them?
(The kids' smiles are repeated, but this time their eyes glow red.)
NC (vo): But their creepy ass smiles seem to win them over, and they start to know each other better.
Lily: (sorta mumbling; these are the best I can make her lines out) My teddy bear has only one arm, but my mom says Santa will bring a new arm for him.
NC: (struggling) What?
Lily: (again, these are the best I can make her lines out) Not when you go through the window!
(Clip of Rush Hour)
Carter: (beat) What the hell did you just say?
NC (vo): Yeah, I don't know if this kid is the director's, the producer's, or even the casting agent's, but there is no way she got through any kind of audition process.
Lily: Santa is busy all year. (skip) Mommy, come here to see Mrs. Hopewell. (skip) And besides, I brought the food.
NC (vo): She's not technically killing the art of human speech as we know it, but she is the seed that will grow a horrifyingly large oak. Speaking of which, the kids show Judy their only friends: the tree named Mrs. Hopewell, and their dog Licorice. And, to the mumbling girl's credit, none of these other kids are gonna win anything resembling human respect with these performances, either.
Boy #1: I knew we should've never shown them to your mother. Adults are always the same.
NC: (as the boy) I just learned how to speak three days ago, and according to the Craigslist posting, that's all you need to be in this movie!
Girl #1: Now we have to do something for Mrs. Hopewell, too.
(Judy looks around at Mrs. Hopewell, then at some wood)
Judy: I've got an idea!
NC (vo, as Judy): We'll decorate her with her dead brethren. That way, she'll remember that no matter how pretty she is, she'll always be thought of as a tool. Much like you children are in this movie. (normal) So the mayor sees the kids and Judy getting along, and thinks that they deserve even more money.
Mayor: This year, I've collected more money for the children's Christmas. I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. (pause) And still some left for their Christmas…
NC: (smiles in disbelief) Did he just have a Vietnam flashback for a second?
Mayor: I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. (explosion during his pause, with a man shouting "Fall back!") And still some left for their Christmas presents. Here you go, Mrs. Mavilda. Here's the two bags.
NC (vo): My God! He didn't even give the amount, he just said "two bags"! I don't even think he measures the money in terms of numbers, I think he literally measures it in bag size!
(scene of the mayor and a cashier (played by Rachel Tietz) at a supermarket)
Cashier: Mr. Mayor, this check says it's for two money bags?
Mayor (voiced by NC): That's right, two whole money bags.
Cashier: (confused) Mr. Mayor, I'm gonna need an exact amount in order to accept thi—
Mayor: (yelling) I USE MONEY BAGS!
Cashier: Okay, we'll take the money bags!
Mayor: Very good, now if you'll excuse me, my ride is waiting for me.
(Mayor leaves, driving away in a "Monopoly" car piece)
(back to the movie)
Mayor: I'm glad those poor little things aren't going to have to spend another winter in patches and rags. By the way, where's Judy? Oh, Mrs. Kindle!
NC (vo, overlapping): Dah!
Mayor: Good that you're here! I just gave Mrs. Mavilda…
NC (vo, overlapping): That was awfully quick, I didn't even hear a footstep! What, did she just beam herself into the room?
Mayor: By the way, where's Judy? (Judy beams off-screen) Oh, Mrs. Kindle! Good that you're here!
NC (vo): So the mayor wants her to pick out fancy new clothes for the children as Christmas gifts. But the kids don't know what Christmas is. So Judy explains.
Judy: Christmas is a pretty and happy time of the year. A time when people get together. Friends with friends, children with their parents and grandparents…
NC: Uhhh, ix-nay on the arents-pay…orphans-ay.
Judy: Santa Claus is everybody's grandpa.
Girl #2: And how can his sleigh fly?
Lily: (slurring/mumbling) 'Cause he has special reindeer to pull it, and each one has its own special name.
NC (vo): Okay. What's this kid drinking? She's slurring more than inebriated Klansmen.
Lily: (slurring) I wish my little teddy bear had his other arm.
NC (vo): So she [Judy] tells them that on Christmas, they can all make a simple wish.
NC: No, not that one, but it would explain a lot.
NC (vo): So we get a scene of all the kids wishing for happy things to occur. But, strangely enough, while this scene is going on, they keep cutting back and forth to Mrs. Mavilda's poker game. And it's edited so awkwardly, that we're usually only seeing the poker game for just a couple of seconds.
Judy: I guess you've never seen a Christmas tree before.
(Cut to the poker game)
NC (vo): What-da-da-what?!
Mrs. Malvilda: Let's roll, kids! I'm feeling lucky tonight!
(Back to Judy and the kids)
NC (vo): Uh, I wasn't done yet, what?
Judy: He's everybody's grandpa.
Lily: Mom, can I be the first one to make a Christmas wish?
Judy: Think hard before you do.
(Back to the game)
NC (vo): Uh, wait, I think there was more!
Person: You lost, Mavilda!
Mrs. Mavilda: Let's have another hand!
(Back to Judy and the Kids)
NC (vo): I don't think they were done yet!
Lily: I wish my little teddy bear…
NC (vo, overlapping with Lily): Okay, why show these two things at the same time, if we're not going to show them for more than a couple seconds?! Can we intercut other sloppily edited scenes, while we're at it?!
Judy: Oh, maybe if there's some money left over, I can convince Mrs. Mavilda to buy some red velvet. (cut to a couple, played by Malcolm and Rachel, skipping and holding hands in a garden of velvets) That way, I can make some Christmas stockings to hang on the fireplace.
Boy #2: Red velvet? For stockings? (cut to Rachel having an affair with Doug; Malcolm catches them) What's that?
Judy: Don't you know about Christmas stockings that you hang on the fireplace (cut to the three arguing; Rachel goes to punch Malcolm, but he ducks, and she ends up hitting Doug) for Santa Claus to fill? You don't? Which one of you knows about Christmas?
Pappy: I do!
(cut to Malcolm choking Doug; Rachel picks up a bat and proceeds to hit Malcolm, before being cut off)
Judy: Christmas, Christmas, well, let me tell you about it.
NC (vo): So it turns out Mrs. Mavilda bet all the money and lost it, meaning she can't get any new clothes.
Mrs. Mavilda: (sitting in her bed) I want to tell you something, and you better listen! I don't want the children playing outside anymore! You better make sure of that!
Judy: Because you don't want the mayor to see them without new clothes!
Mrs. Mavilda: How can you dare to…ALRIGHT! Now you know! And now that you know, you better make sure you don't tell him a thing, or you and your children are out in the cold! (laughs, then has a sudden straight face) Now you go get those children back inside…
NC: (as Mrs. Mavilda) Before my brain gets taken over by another personality! (laughs, then has a sudden straight face)
NC (vo): So Judy lets the kids know the bad news.
Judy: You know the new clothes we promised you? Well, I'm afraid you're not going to be getting them.
Kids (though it just sounds like one voice): Oh no!
Judy: I know, I know, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Boy #1: That's not fair, Mrs. Kindle.
Judy: Please, children, don't make it more difficult for me.
NC (vo, as Judy): I mean, Jesus, all you kids ever do is think about yourselves. Don't you ever think about me thinking about you thinking about yourselves? (normal) But Mrs. Mavilda decides that Judy is getting too much respect from the kids, so she tries to figure out a way to get rid of her.
Mrs. Mavilda: (still in her bed) She's changing everything around here. I got to get rid of her, but how?
NC (vo): Well, maybe you can start by getting out of the fucking bed. It's like one o'clock, you lazy bitch. Get moving!
Mrs. Mavilda: What if I make that good girl into a bad one? (laughs) Yeah! I'll make her into a thief, just like I did with the girl that worked with me before!
NC (vo): Wha-ji-bu-WHEN WAS THAT?! We never saw that! Okay, is this, like, a real person, or are we to assume this is yet another personality that she has in her head?!
NC: This woman's making A Beautiful Mind (Poster of same is shown) look like a simple romp!
NC (vo): So she calls her henchman—yeah, she has a henchman, (with accent) what with the accents and stuffs—and asks him to frame Judy for stealing something of his. But, one of the girls hears her and tells the other kids. They all decide that something has to be done.
Girl #1: We can't just stay here without doing something.
Pappy: What can we do?
Boy #2: (obviously has a pitch corrected voice) What about your mother? She's also in danger!
NC: The hell is that?
Boy #2: …the only one that knows where his office is. (skip, to another boy) Do you know where his house is?
NC: Okay…Zortor, your impression of a small human child isn't fooling anybody.
(Boy #2's head turns into the head of an alien (Zortor))
Zortor: Curses! I'll get you next time, pitifully dumb humans! Muahaha! (disappears)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, there's a great irony that all of these children are obviously voiced by horrible child actors, but one girl is clearly voiced by an 18 year old.
Girl #2: You mean, you don't think our story's gonna make it on time?
Pappy: What if one of us goes to him?
Girl #2: But where are we, and where is his house?
NC: Okay, pick one. Either (shows girl #2) horrible adult actors, (shows Pappy) horrible child actors, or (shows Zortor's head over Boy #2's body) aliens trying to pose as children to take over the universe.
Zortor: Muahaha! (disappears)
NC (vo): So the children decide that Judy's kids should go and get help. From who, you may ask? Santa Claus, of course! Yeah, why not?
Girl #2: (voice heard, while a book with a map with what looks like a headless gingerbread cookie is shown) Look here in my book. It shows that we're not far from his house.
NC (vo) Wha-ji-what decapitated gingerbread cookie do they live on? Even Mario would be looking at this, saying,
NC (vo, as Mario): "Whoa, that's a fucked up-a kingdom!"
Girl #2: I don't know where the North Pole is. Do you?
Kid #1 (not sure who): I don't.
Kid #2: I don't.
Lily: (pointing at Licorice) He knows where the North Pole lives.
Pappy: (in Boy #2/Zortor's voice, strangely) He does?
NC (vo): Well, he barked. Obviously, that translates into knowing where the North Pole is. Quite a knowledgeable little scamp, isn't he? Say, I wonder what else he knows about.
NC: Hey Licorice, do you know if we're alone in the universe?
NC: Wow! Do you know why smart people keep watching The Middle? (Poster of same is shown)
NC: Wow! Do you know who really killed JFK?
NC: My God, the answers were right there! I have to go to the police about this! The world must know, damnit! The world must know— (notices a red dot from a sniper sight pointed above his head) I'll be right back. (gunshots are heard as NC quickly leaves the table)
Doug: What, another commercial? Well, this one's really quick. Uh, I just wanted to tell you that at TheAwesomeStore.com, we are extending our sale on our DVDs, and also our, uh, charity drive pictures. Uh, so that is going to be going until the 1st of next year. So you can still get the, uh, good prices on that. Also, our medal prints are in, and they're being shipped out, even as we speak. If there's any more left, you can take a look, see if you can order some more, and…that's about it! Back to the show! (beat) Oh, also, uh, you will die if you don't know there's a—
(Cut off by the logo, as we return from the commercial break)
NC (vo): So Judy's kids go with Licorice to find the North Pole.
Lily: Don't be mad, Pappy. I just had to come.
(NC points an arrow down from Pappy's eyes to Lily, proving that he's not really looking at her when she talks.)
NC (vo): Uh, she's down there, kid. You're staring at nothing right now. Please look down. Please look down. Please look down—(YAY!) There ya go! But they come across some troubles on their search, like Baloo from "The Jungle Book".
(A bear, that does indeed look quite similar to Baloo, chases down Lily and Pappy)
NC (vo, as bear): Bare necessities! Your asses are my recipes! The simple bare necessities of death!
(The bear growls really loudly)
NC (vo): Jesus, they couldn't even make it a polar bear; even (clip of…) "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" got that one right!
(Lily slips off the cliff)
Lily: (deadpan) Help me, Pappy, help me.
NC (vo): Goddamn it, you're hanging on for dear life; show SOME FUCKING EMOTION, you little twat!
(Licorice attacks the bear, causing Pappy to accidentally let go of Lily, making her fall, but she doesn't really care)
Lily: (deadpan) Pappy!
NC (vo, as Lily): Even in death, I don't care!
(The bear chases Licorice, but he trips over him, and falls off the cliff)
NC (vo, as the bear): In hindsight, I am a pretty dumb bear. (loud thud)
Pappy: (deadpan) Lily! (echo) Lily! (echo) Where are you? Where'd you go?
NC (vo): Oh, Jesus, kid, will somebody just try? Somebody?! God! I'll juggle porcupines with my buttcheeks if I could just get one production assistant, or a cast member, or the director, or somebody just to say "Maybe, FUCKING MAYBE we should do that take again!"
NC: (irked) Jesus H. Jesus, can we just get SOMEBODY with some goddamn emotion?!
Mrs. Mavilda: (shouting at Judy) GET OUT! PACK YOUR THINGS RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE FIRED!
NC: (reacting) Christ!
Mrs. Mavilda: GET OUT!
NC (vo): Spastic hyenas aren't as loud as you!
Mrs. Mavilda: YOU'RE FIRED!
NC (vo): You're blowing out the volume levels! I don't think the microphone has (shows picture of a microphone with…) an "insane bitch" setting on it. Except maybe in (picture of Ann Coulter) her case.
Mrs. Mavilda: Frank, do you still have that electric chainsaw of yours?
NC (vo): So Mrs. Mavilda calls her henchman to cut down the tree…oh, sorry, Mrs. Hopewell—they've established such a strong presence with her; I'm surprised I forgot—as the kids go out and try to stop her.
Judy: Nobody cuts Mrs. Hopewell until we talk to the Mayor.
Mrs. Mavilda: Show them the saw!
Henchman: Whatever you say, ma'am! (starts up the chainsaw and heads towards the tree)
(Mayor's car pulls in. For some reason, there's no snow to be seen.)
Mayor: What is the meaning of this!?
NC (vo, as Mayor): Wasn't there snow here just a moment ago!?
Mayor: Turn that thing off! I can't hear a thing.
Pappy: Mommy, mommy!
Judy: But where's Lily? Where is she?
Pappy: She's gone, Mommy.
Judy: Oh, God! What do you mean? (Ray appears) Ray!
NC (vo): (stammers) WHERE'D HE COME FROM?!?
NC (vo, as Ray): I randomly materialized here just in time.
Ray: (deadpan) Tell me, son; what happened to Lily?
Pappy: She fell from a cliff, mommy, daddy. All the way down…
(Ray and Judy just raise their eyelids and lower them after a second)
NC (vo): (laughs) Yeah, 'cause that's my reaction if I just found out my little kid died.
(Cut to NC with the same reaction as Ray and Judy)
NC (vo): So while the Mayor is there, he finds out all the terrible things that Mrs. Mavilda has been doing.
Mayor: What happened with the money that I've been donating? Why didn't Mavilda buy toys for them? And look at them! They look like they haven't had new clothes in years! What if the inspector were to come!?
NC (vo): (laughs) I love how he doesn't care that the children's well-being has been put in horrible danger, but instead is more concerned if the inspector sees it and calls them out on it!
Mayor: What if the inspector were to come!?
NC: (impersonates Mayor) Voters don't like their politicians connected to dead children! Uh…(still image of kids are shown) They are still alive, right? (cut back to NC)
Mayor: Your tree—(clears throat) I mean, Mrs. Hopewell is going to be all right.
NC (vo): OK, is the Mayor slowly transforming into an Adam Sandler voice? Because Sandler already ruined (poster of Eight Crazy Nights is shown) one holiday and I don't think this movie needs any help ruining this one!
Mrs. Mavilda: (starts up the chainsaw) THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, CHILDREN!
NC (vo): But Mrs. Mavilda grabs the chainsaw and is about to finish the job.
(cut to shocked faces of Licorice, the kids (including Lily, for no reason whatsoever), and the townspeople (also for no reason whatsoever))
Kids: (deadpan) Oh, no!
(Mrs. Mavilda aims the chainsaw at the tree until lightning from the sky appears and strikes her as she screams)
NC: (reacts) HOLY SHIT!
NC (vo): The moral of the story is, don't fuck with Mrs. Hopewell! (as Mrs. Hopewell in booming voice) I AM THE BARK OF SATAN! THOSE WHO WISH TO DEMEAN MY EVIL WILL BE BLOODILY SMOTED!
(Santa Claus appears)
Santa Claus: (speaks with an artificially-deep voice) Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas, everybody!
NC (vo): Ah! So it was Santa who fried the flesh of a weak, feeble woman!
NC: (confused) Merry…Christmas?
(Santa casts some Christmas magic on Mrs. Hopewell that puts lights on her branches)
NC (vo): Um, I think those lights are supposed to actually be on the tree and not a little to the left of the tree but I guess it's the thought that counts. And clearly none of that went into this at all.
Lily: (after jumping off of Santa's sleigh) Mommy! (runs to Judy)
Judy: Oh, Lily, I'm so glad to see you.
(cut to Santa's smiling face, which is almost reminiscent of the Coca Cola Santa, before NC is seen shuddering at that image)
Lily: I missed all of you, Mommy.
NC: And the disturbing Santa Coke ad agrees.
(Santa's face is shown again as NC again shudders)
Pappy: Look! Santa's leaving!
Santa Claus: Peace be with you all!
NC (vo, as Santa Claus): What's this shit on my shoulder? (Santa casts some magic on the kids that gives them new clothes) Oh, I guess it does that. Okay!
Santa Claus: Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
NC (vo): Yeah. Creepy-voice Santa has no time for individually visiting houses anymore; he just sort of air-bombs gifts now in the hopes that whoever picks it up in the morning will like it or some crap. So everything seems to end happily. Look! Even Mrs. Mavilda somehow got out without a scratch on her. How the flying fuck do you do that?!
Narrator: And Mrs. Mavilda…Well, Mrs. Mavilda…She's going to be all right. From what I've heard, she went back to work in the orphanage as Judy's assistant! (laughs)
NC (vo, as the narrator): True, that lightning fucked with her head and she constantly pisses her pants and calls herself the Chicken God; but aside from that, she's gonna be all right.
Narrator: Well, don't worry about Mrs. Mavilda; she's good now. She learned that you always win when you are good. Merry Christmas, everybody!
NC: Oh, and I suppose that's your half-assed little message at the end, right? Mm-hmm, yeah, huh, no, it's good, it's very good, very good—You-you do a good job, you do a g-g-good job, special…(indistinct) It's only 45 minutes; it felt like eternity but, you know, you did good. I just so love it—everything, all the characters and everything about it was so good; (voice turns high-pitched) I just love you, it's so good. I just love you, it's so good—everything; I love it! (indistinct) …the Christmas tree… (continues high-pitched speaking indistinctly until his mood abruptly changes to rage) FUCK YOUUUUUU!
(Footage of the special is shown as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): Do I even need to say what's wrong with it? Not really; it's pretty obvious: Horrible acting, horrible writing, horrible directing, and horrible animation. But, here's the thing: a lot of people are saying this is the animated equivalent of The Room, one of those films that's so hypnotizingly bad that it's actually good. And, in some respects, they're actually kinda right. This can be very entertaining to laugh at and make fun of. Everything is so awkward and strange that you can't help but burst out into hilarity. But the problem is, it's a Christmas movie. Christmas; really think about that! This is the season where even the worst holiday specials at least try to give something either entertaining or heartfelt because they feel they owe it to such a beautiful time of year.
NC: And, what does this film end up giving us?
Narrator: You always win when you are good.
NC: Yeah. This is the holiday where charities (vo) all over the world go up, and people give more than ever to those who have so little and expect nothing in return. They do it because they know it's right, and this is the time to celebrate what's good in the world. (normal) And, what does this film end up giving us?
Narrator: You always win when you are good.
NC: This is the time of year that brought a war to a halt, (cut to footage of Joyuex Noel) (vo) because the message of goodwill toward men was so strong, because it was a symbol to stop hatred, stop killing, stop everything spreading anything that didn't equal love and respect for everyone in the world. This is a holiday that is that powerful. (normal) So…just to reiterate, you Christmas special that clearly understands the holiday you're representing, what then is the meaning of Christmas?
Narrator: You always win when you are good.
NC: Yeah, 'cause that's what Chri-THAT'S what Christmas is. You got it, special. You fucking got it. NO. NO YOU DIDN'T! And that's why this is the worst special. I'll tell you why: because Christmas is not about that. It's not about that dumbass little message you were trying to throw in at the last minute. You know what? It's not even really about giving or sharing or love or anything about that. That's a part of it, but there's something even more important. You want to know what it is? I'll tell you what Christmas is. CHRISTMAS IS EFFORT. It's putting effort into that kindness. It's putting effort into that sharing. It's putting effort into that loving because anyone can just give something. Anyone can just buy something whether it costs a million bucks if you're rich or nothing if you're poor, but by God, it's the effort you put into it. If you got something someone really wanted, then that's effort, or if you made something that somebody didn't even know they wanted, that's effort. That's loving. That's- It's putting the effort into that stuff, and that is something that is clearly NOT IN this special. They just slapped it together, didn't give a shit, and you can't do that on Christmas, man. You have to try. You have to try to make this stuff good because that is what we are trying to do. It's about putting effort into something that is even bigger than yourself 'cause when somebody comes up to me and wishes me a holiday from a religion maybe I don't celebrate, if somebody said "Happy Hanukkah" to me, I'd wish "Merry Christmas" back. You know what? We'd be fine with it. You wanna know why? Because we're both sharing something that we believe is bigger than ourselves. That is putting effort into that. That is celebrating something that is wonderful and loving and unbelievable. It's putting that effort into Christmas, into sharing something so great and fantastic. Let me show you something. Follow me, Mr. Camera Man. Follow me.
(The camera starts moving as the Critic moves around the studio)
NC: You know, it is all about effort, because that is what we are trying to do here. We're trying to all come together so that we can celebrate and put that effort into everything that is good with the world. Like these people right here.
(The camera pans to Rachel Tietz drinking beer, Jim Jarosz smoking a cigarette, and Malcolm Ray with a lighter; they quickly put those objects away as the camera pans back to NC)
NC: Look at how much effort these people put in all the time. Unbelievable! Come here, come here, you guys. (NC then brings them into the shot) These are people who work behind the scenes, in front of the scenes also, they do such a good job! Guys, you've been doing so great. You got the "That Guy with the Glasses" audience watching right now. Is there anything you'd like to say to them this Christmas Eve?
Rachel: (as Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol) God bless us, everyone! (laughing)
Jim: (as George from It's a Wonderful Life) Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!
NC: (to Malcolm) All right, you got a movie quote?
Malcolm: Uhh…not really, but as we approach the New Year, just, uh, know, we always wanna get better. Don't get drunk.
NC: See? That's effort, whether it just be a movie quote, that means a lot to them, or something very sincere, that's effort! I love you guys! You guys are awesome! But it doesn't stop there.
(The camera begins to move again as the Critic proceeds to leave the studio)
NC: Because we keep going out here, showing more of the effort, more of the…it's about this guy! Christmas is about…
(He takes the camera and turns it so it films his brother, Rob Walker, who's been holding the camera the entire time)
NC: …this guy right here! That's right, the camera man, my brother, Rob, he's been working so hard—hey, hey, hey! No, no! Stand up! You've been working so hard, you've got everyone watching right now! Anything you wanna wish people this Christmas?
Rob: Uh, Merry Christmas?
NC: Oh, come on, you can do better than that, come on.
Rob: And a Happy New Year.
NC: Come on! Bigger than that!
Rob: You filthy animal?
NC: Oh, for God's sake, you can't think of anything better to say on Christmas Eve?!
Rob: Okay, fine, it's, y'know, it's a little bit hard to get into the Christmas spirit with the way it's been, over-commercialized and stuff. But, really, when you think deep about it, it's Christmas. It's not just a bunch of things that you buy, i..i..it's about an attitude, uh, uh, spirit, something that you carry with you in your heart, when, two thousand years ago, a man was born, into a stable not adorned with gifts and presents and stuff and, and, and trees, but born into, into poverty and, and you see that everyday when a, a child does, something nice for his, grandma or, (Jim, Rachel and Malcolm appear into shot, becoming interested in Rob's speech) y'know, when we give things to homeless people, y'know, it's something that that lasts, that endures and goes on and on! THE MOUNTAINS MAY FALL AND THE HILLS TURN TO DUST...!
(The Critic cuts him off as they leave the studio)
NC: Okay, okay, okay, take the camera, okay, okay, here, out here, out here, out here, out here. Okay, okay.
(The Critic and Rob go outside. The camera then cuts to the Critic's original location, his parents' house and goes inside)
NC: It's about believing in something bigger than yourself, like I said, and putting that effort into it because you don't have to believe in Christianity or Catholicism or any of that stuff. You don't have to be any religion. You just have to believe in humanity, and that's what's so great about it. It's believing in the best of humanity and the effort that's put in to that bestness! It's about these two.
(Critic brings his parents, Barney and Sandy Walker onto the screen)
NC: This is my Mom and Dad. They put so much effort,into raising me. Because they are so awesome that way. This guy joined the Navy so he could help support and raise us and my mom, she was gonna be an opera singer, but she had two kids and said, "You know what? I'll spend my life dedicated to that." And that is so unbelievable, and that is Christmas that is such goodness! There's such goodness in these people. So, Dad, you got so many people watching right now. Is there anything you wanna say to the "That Guy With The Glasses" audience on Christmas Eve here?
Barney: Merry Christmas to all of you, and most importantly, remember... we have lots of merchandise in the Channel Awesome country store. 15% off if your name rhymes with 'Walker'...
NC: (cuts off his Dad) Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. That's the kind of ham he is, that's the kind of guy my dad is, and you can see where I got my terrible sense of humor, but nonetheless, he has spent (stutters) ...come on, but, nonetheless, he has worked so hard to raise us and he has just been so positive, so upbeat, and I love my dad. And, Mom, I got a question for you. It's a question I really wanted to say for you because you're so loving, you're so heartfelt and everything. There's a lot of people out there who don't associate Christmas with the best stuff. Maybe they don't have many friends or much family, and maybe they're spending it alone, maybe they associate it with a bad time, there's so many bad things that happen out there. And Christmas is such a good time. I know you feel it, you feel like I feel it. What can you say to people out there who are not having such a good Christmas?
Sandy: Uh, y'know, this is the time of year to reach out to someone else who's lonely or is having a hard time, and do something nice for them. Because when you do that, you will feel less lonely inside of yourself as well. It's a perfect time of year to do something to somebody else and think of others.
NC: That's really nice, Mom, thanks so much. This movie sucks balls, but I love you. Merry Christmas.
Barney: Merry Christmas.
Sandy: Merry Christmas.
(End credits roll)
NC: Thanks so much, guys, Merry Christmas to ya.
(The Nostalgia Critic leaves, leaving Barney and Sandy confused)
Barney: Who the hell was that?
Sandy: (mouths) I don't know.
(Channel Awesome logo)
Mrs. Mavilda: YOU'RE FIRED!