(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from The Cheetah Girls)
Doug (vo; laughing and mimicking the Cheetah Girls): Tee-hee-hee! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah! Ah! Girl! You go, girl! Cheetah-riffic! (Speaks normally) Did that annoy the ever-lasting piss out of you? Well, then you're really gonna hate Cheetah Girls, the most obnoxious of these Disney Channel films I've seen so far. Jesus Christ, is this film annoying! Imagine the Jem and the Holograms movie mixed with the Mamma Mia movie. Yeah, it's that bad, that manipulative, and that annoying. Look, I tried to give these Disney Channel movies the benefit of the doubt. They're for kids, you gotta kind of look at them from a different point of view. But I swear to God, I have never shouted "shut up" so many times at a screen in my life! It's so ear-grating, so pandering, so... (Stammers angrily before sighing) Okay, let's just see what it's about.
Doug (vo): Four girls named Aqua, Bubbles, Chanel, and Do...yeah, that's the names they go by...perform at a kids' birthday party, though you would never guess it, because they just sing to the floor half the time, like, there's a wide-angle lens there, and move like they're being edited and...yeah. It's almost like this is trying to be more of a music video than a coherent story. But, whatever. Disney kids' fantasy, we'll give them a little leeway. Bubbles...okay, I'm gonna call her by her other name, because I think of the Powerpuff Girls when I hear that...Galleria, played by Raven, wants her band, the Cheetah Girls, to compete in this big contest. Apparently, a lot of the winners go on to get record deals and so on and so forth. When auditioning for the contest, held by this teacher that just seems to like to quote other songs, a record producer just happened to drop on by, saw them perform and said he wants to make them stars. But her mother says they're not ready. They're just kids, she says, and shouldn't get attention this fast, even though they were entering a contest that would get them that attention that fast. After a little bit of an argument, the mother finally agrees, and the girls go to be made stars. (Speaks in mocking dramatic tones) But the big bad music label doesn't want to represent Cheetah-riffic girl power. They just want to do what's popular, and change their image, and their songs, and totally redo everything. But, wait! That's not the Cheetah Girl way! (Speaks normally) Apparently, this doesn't matter that much, though, because Galleria is already getting a really big ego and thinks she's in charge of everything. No, really, like, to an unlikeable degree. It's kind of amazing how self-centered and punch-in-the-faceable this character can be. This causes the girls to kick her out of the group, and thus, she has to sulk and think about where she went wrong. Will the big bad music company get their way by having the girls wear animal masks because...uh, some chart somewhere said that was cool...or will the girls get back together to use their own manipulative marketing to sucker people?
Doug (vo): Okay, so you've heard this story a million times. It's bullshit. Let's move on to the other problems. 50% of this movie is just giggling, screeching, yelling, and saying catchphrases.
(We are shown a quick montage of the Cheetah Girls saying their catchphrases)
Cheetah Girls: Cheetahs! / Cheetahs! / Cheetahs! / Ohh! / Puta-vida! / Go, Cheetahs!
(Then we are shown lots of footage of the Cheetah Girls constantly laughing, giggling and shrieking, as well as briefly showing other characters making weird sound effects)
Doug (vo): Oh, except for one dramatic scene where a girl admits she lives in a foster home, and it's actually, like, a tearjerking scene that comes right the hell out of nowhere. Um, yeah. Don't actually try to be a real movie about the problems of growing up, you piece of shit. Right after that scene, it goes into them trying on different clothes and looking all glamorous and singing about how they're the real deal. There isn't one iota real about you. You are fake, you are manipulative, you are everything you're claiming this big bad music industry is trying to turn you into, just because before you do a song, you self-righteously shout "Girl power!"* No, really, they do that.
Galleria: Now you're talking. Cheetahs, girl power.
- Actually, she was just saying the name of the song
Doug (vo): Ooh! She's standing up for girls everywhere! It's a movement, guys! A movement about being the independent artist, when really, it's all about getting attention! You are the most attention-hungry little pains in the asses I ever saw! You can't even walk on the street without giggling, shouting, doing a dance number, and having a crowd circle around you all applauding, 'cause, "Wow! Wasn't that amazing? Ho-ho! This just happens all the time! We're just walking down the street, we start dancing, and, oh, we can't help it if we're incredible!" Yeah! Fuck this shit!
(Several scenes showing the Cheetah Girls performing are shown)
Doug (vo): This is all just an excuse to get a band going, which, by the way, this was a band! A very successful one, too! So, kind of a dumb question, but...why the hell didn't you just be a band? Why did you have to make this dumbass movie? H-have you ever seen movies based on dumbass bands? They're usually really bad! But they come after the band! I mean, you can sing, you can dance, at least in that way that's probably auto-tuned and edited and such, but, you know, that's the business. I get it. Kids want their band, and that's clearly what they want here. They want the band, they want the girls, they want the singing and the songs. But that's not what we get. We get this loud, dumb, obnoxious movie trying to make you think it's about being independent, when really, all they want to do is control you. They want to control what you buy, what you listen to, and...yeah. I know that's kind of the business and marketing, and I've been a victim of it, too, and even proud of it in some ways.
(An image showing various Ninja Turtle toys is briefly shown, before resuming showing various clips)
Doug (vo): But the way this one has the balls to mock what it is obviously doing itself and not being clever about it, in fact, being lazy about it, and instead replacing what could be challenging commentary with just giggling and squeeing and dumb lines on top of cliches, on top of cliches all wrapped up in one of the worst endings I've ever seen in these damn films!
(Several scenes showing off the film's ending are shown)
Doug (vo): Which, yeah. Let's talk about that. I'll give you a fair warning I'm going into spoilers, but Jesus Christ, who gives a shit if any of this is spoiled? Whatever, you've been warned. After the girls split up, Galleria loses her dog...yeah, it's pretty much her fault...and the dog gets stuck in something...I don't know, a sewer...someplace he can't get out. She calls the police. There's, like, this big major deal about it with this crowd all getting together, news groups are there...hey, come on. It's a damn dog stuck. But, of course, the girls see it and rush down to the rescue, because, of course, the dog will only come out if they all sing together. Okay, this is dumb enough, but then the boyfriend says, "Hey, now that the girls are all together, maybe you can make up." And how do they make up? Through singing, of course. And by the way, this is not a musical, like in High School Musical, where the songs are worked into the story. No, no. They were just singing songs when somebody says, "Sing a song", like, for their album or whatever. But suddenly, she starts singing to her girls, they start singing back...I'm kind of amazed you can hear each other in the middle of New York...and, hey, since we got a crowd, let's do a totally choreographed musical number on the spot! How the hell would that crowd even hear them? How the hell would it be this organized? Just...okay! As if this wasn't dumb and stupid enough, they all go to that contest, which appears to be over and they miss, because, yeah, they were getting the dog and everything. You see the empty theater, people leaving, it's clearly over. But, wait! The teacher comes out to make an announcement that the winners...wa-wa-wait a minute! It's clearly over! There's nobody in the theater! What the...why are you announcing the winners now? But screw that, it gets dumber! The winners are the Cheetah Girls, for that...dance they just did outside, even though they didn't make the competition, they didn't enter! Uh, they win! Yeah! Sorry, all the other groups that worked really hard and got the sound equipment together and showed up on time, you know, stuff that musicians are supposed to do. All your responsibility doesn't mean shit because these four little idiots did a dance in the back, mainly because one of those idiots lost her dog, and the other idiots came together to say, "Hey, we were all idiots!" You are all idiots! You're idiotic idiot idiots!
Doug (vo; sighs): Why wasn't this just a band? It would've been fine. This is a terrible kids' film. It's insulting, it's degrading, there is so little passion or need to actually give you a story, or characters, or meaning. It is just an excuse for a controlled industry to advertise their band, while saying a controlled industry advertising your band is bad somehow. This one was tough, guys. It was so hard to get through. You can have your fluff, you can have your junk food, but even junk food has to taste good. This just tastes like a screeching slap in the face, trying to pretend it has a meaningful message. (Sighs) If you grew up with it, great. We all know why you watched it. You watched it to hear the songs and see them dance and find a reason to go see their concerts. Okay, cool. I'm sure their concerts were fine. It's debatable whether or not this is so manipulative that it's bad for kids. I would actually kind of make an argument it is. But I've seen kids' films that had much worse messages and done in far worse ways. But as Disney Channel movies go, this is the one to beat for hatred. I couldn't stand it. I hated every embarrassing, humiliating, ear-bleeding moment of it. If you want a better experience, buy their CDs. Listen to their songs. That's what they're meant to be doing. But if you want an actual good kids' movie, I'd say throw this hunk of dead meat to the cheetahs.
(The final scene of the movie, showing the name of the girl band and the movie's title in the star-filled sky, is shown)