The Care Bears Movie

The Care Bears Movie
Date Aired	May 11th, 2010
Running Time	17:41
Website	http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/21604-the-care-bears-movie
Previous Review	Drop Dead Fred
Next review	Kickassia: Part 1

[The scene starts with Nostalgia Critic looking very displeased.]

NC: I gotta tell you my work isn't always easy. I mean granted this is the greatest job in the world. But whenever someone asks you what you did at your job today and you had to answer, "I watched Care Bears: The Movie." I die a little inside. Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity!? How can anyone speak that with any pride!? You can't. Roll it.

[Scene cuts to Title of the movie and opening song]

NC: Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big during the day. *tone filled with malice* Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice, and disgustingly marketable. How can any child not get wrapped up in their disgustingness? So, when this movie came out children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear, knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolored vomit. Is it as bad as it looks? Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at *pause and sigh* Care Bears: The Movie.

[Cuts to movie scene of children in orphanage]

NC: So, we start off with probably the whitest orphanage ever scene on film as our narrator, Mr. Cherrywood. comes in.

Mr. Cherrywood: Now off to sleep to dream of clowns and circuses, acrobats and jugglers.

NC: He's played by Mickey Rooney. Former biggest star in the world and now doing *pause* eh, Care Bears. He decides to tell the children a story before going to sleep.

Mr. Cherrywood: This is the story of two young children named Kim and Jason. And how they were helped by a group of very special friends, the Care Bears.

NC: *cringes* I don't like that face he made there.

[Cuts back to Mr. Cherrywood saying Care Bears and grinning]

NC: *cringes and shivers* It's the kind of that says "I touched half of these children and I'm okay with that." [Cuts to demotivational poster with Mr. Cherrywood's face that says: Mr. Cherrywood: I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that.]

Mr. Cherrywood: The Care Bears live in a magic place called Care-a-Lot.

NC: So as the credits roll, we get our opening song called Care-a-Lot. Sung by Carole King, isn't that sad. And is it just me or does she sound totally uninterested in singing this? [Opening title credits with song plays]

Care-a-Lot is a place you like to be Riding on a cloud, You'll care-a-Lot, It's a Rainbow of fantasies, For laughing out loud

NC: *Resting on his hand and looking unamused* *sings in mock Carole King voice* Care-a-lot is paying for my new car. So, I might as well do it. [Cuts back to the opening credits]

NC: On top of that, this song is just shit. I mean listen to these lyrics:

• announces the lyrics*

Care-a-Lot, carousels playing music in your mind,

• pauses and gives WTF!? look*

for dancing and singing.

Sometimes you feel so glad, sometimes you feel blue. Trust your feelings, it's *not* bad, feelings are just you.

NC: What does that even mean? Feelings are just you!? Oh, that's good to know. I thought it was Hercule the feeling fairy. What are they talking about!?

NC: By the way, it's probably my perverted mind. But what does it look like these two are doing? [Cuts to a Care Bear relaxing in a cloud car, while another bends down and inspects the hood of his car] NC: This bear looks waaaaaay too happy (in reference to the one relaxing) about what this bear is doing. (in reference to the bear inspecting the hood) I think that car is just a cover.

NC: So our story begins when they spot two children who- you guessed it, stopped caring.

Friend Bear: Hi. I'm Friend Bear, and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears. *both stand up and pose*

Jason: *in disgusted tone* What do you want?

Friend Bear: Only to be your friends.

NC: Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote, end quote "Caring." I mean if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend is it like: [Cuts to skit]

NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings you want?

NC 2: Eh, I don't care. *in panicked tone* NO, wait. I didn't mean!!! *sparkling effects sound and NC moans lightly*

Care Bear: Hi. We're the Care Bears and everybody has to care about something-

NC 2: *raises gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears*

Care Bear: *lots of screaming*

[Cuts back to the movie] Care Bear: Everyone needs friends, Jason. Even you and Kim.

Kim: *stops walking away with Jason and turns around* We're not your friends.

Jason: *turns around* How do you know our names?

NC: Really? That's your biggest question right now? I mean, granted that's a legitament query. But that should be like question number 5.

Friend Bear: We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up. And Jason, you want to be a jet pilot.

Jason: *surprised* Yeah, how did you know that?

Friend Bear: Friends are suppose to know about each other's hopes and dreams.

NC: Friends, stalkers, it's all good. So, while they try to comfort the two kids. Their main leader named, Tender Heart goes to check on another kid named Nicholas.

Mr. Cherrywood: Nicholas was a magician's helper. He had never had a friend in his life.

• Nicholas walks into Magician's trailer with a heavy, red chest*

Magician: Hey! Close the door. Nicholas: *tries to close door but stumbles backwards and falls, causing the contents in the chest to spill out* NC: *in mocking magician tone* Doh. This is why you never had a friend in your life.

Nicholas: *still laying on the floor* I didn't mean it.

Magician: I bought that trunk, thinking that there was some junk I could use in my magic act. And now half of it's broken.

NC: *in mocking magician tone* Don't make me tell your parents! *pauses* That may or may not exist. That I may or may not be keeping you from.

NC: But Nicholas comes across a secret, magic book.

Magic Book: *in song like tone* Nicholas. I am a spirit, Nicholas. You're friend.

NC: Unfortunately, it seems to be a book that possesses unnatural, evil powers.

Magic Book: *book opens revealing a feminine face within the pages* This is your chance to show that you're a greater magician then he.

• Scene cuts to Magician staring at a mirror as the book continues*

They love him for his magic-

• scene reveals Tender Heart is hiding and watching the book talk to Nicholas*

They'll love you for yours. *she pulls Nicholas in closer with spiritual arms*

[Scene cuts to a scene of the Necromonicon from Evil Dead] Ash: It was never meant for the world of the living.

NC: While that's going on, The Care Bears are working on their latest invention. A teleporter. Yes, apparently there is ground breaking, scientific technology in Care-a-Lot. As long as the buttons look like Lucky Charms Marshmallows. But it accidentally beams the two children up when it wasn't supposed to.

Jason: Where are we?

Care Bears: *pose in formation* We're the Care Bears.Jason and Kim: *moan* More friends?

NC: *chuckles* I like these kids. They have all the right reactions.

NC: So, while they try to get the teleporter to work, they show the kids around Care-a-Lot via a god awful song sequence.

Song:

• Nobody Cares like a Bear*

NC: Fuck that shit. I want to see evil book again.

Magic Book: He'll be in a deep sleep only long enough for you to take over his magic show. Nicholas: B-but, I-I couldn't. Magic Book: Yes you can. You must.

NC: So, this genuinely creepy character that appears is simply known as "The Spirit." And while not flat out scary, there is something very threatening about her. Maybe it's her voice, maybe it's the fact that there's just a face in a book. But there's something just a little unsettling.

The Spirit: There are dozens of children out there. Waiting to see your magic.

NC: In fact, I don't want to watch her anymore. I'm going to fast-forward past her parts. *raises remote at screen*

The Spirit: *glares and opens mouth*

NC: *remote flings out of his hand as he looks on stunned*

The Spirit: *pages of the book turn at a fast pace*

NC: *gets hit with a bunch of paper in the face and other things* Okay, Okay. I love your scenes. I love your scenes.

The Spirit: *evil cackling*

NC: I haven't seen a book so in touch with evil since Twilight.

[Scene cuts back to the movie] Tender Heart: Nicholas, stop! This isn't the way to make friends.

The Spirit: Where was he when you needed him?

Tender Heart: What matters is- NC: *laughs* I just love Nicholas' face here. As if to say *zooms in on Nicholas' face* "Wow, I didn't think I would see this today. A talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book. Thank god, it's at least Friday."

NC: So, she locks Tender Heart in a cage and convinces Nicholas to start his own magic show.

Tender Heart: Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help you find the true answer.

NC: *in mocking tone* Yes. Just listen to the magic, talking bear.

NC: So, Tender Heart breaks his way out. As Nicholas' magic show doesn't go as well as he planned.

• children laugh at Nicholas*

Nicholas: Make them stop laughing.

The Spirit: Only you can do that.

Nicholas: *scans the book* Zimmer zot cansorthe ne.

• lots of thunder clapping and the children look twisted and mean*

NC: Oh no, he turned them into Youtube commenters.

The Spirit: *as big green tornado begins to rise from the book* This is only the beginning.

NC: So, Nicholas and his evil book start turning everyone in the world into jerks. Because of this, Care-a-Lot starts to crumble.

Sunshine Bear: *in panicked tone* The caring meter dropped two whole points. Care Bears: *loud gasping as the meter continues to drop*

NC: *in panicked tone* We're reaching Jersey levels! Jersey levels!

NC: So, Kim and Jason decide to join the Care Bears on their mission to stop the Spirit.

Tender Heart: *pulls out a key* Hold onto this for me, Jason. Don't loose it, it's very important. NC: *pauses* Then why don't you hold onto it.

NC: Anyway, they try teleporting them to Earth. But the Earthquake destroys the teleporter in the process.

Grumpy Bear: They never made it to Earth.

Tender Heart: What do you mean? Where are they?

Grumpy Bear: They're lost. Somewhere between here and Earth.

NC: Yeah, what exactly is the cosmology for Care-a-Lot anyway. I thought it was in the clouds. Now it's in a different dimension. I mean where are they expected to end up.

Grumpy Bear: They're lost. Somewhere between here and Earth. [Cuts to scene of the two children and a Care Bear dead and floating in space]

NC: So, they decide to take a river down to Earth. Yes, that's right. There's a river in the clouds now. In the hopes that this will *pauses* somehow cross dimensions. I don't know, here's how they explain it.

Mr.Cherrywood: No one in Care-a-Lot ever followed the river. They had no idea whether it would lead them to Kim, Jason, and the missing Care Bears or nowhere at all.

NC: *in mock child-like voice* Mistah Cherrywood, there seems to be a lotta holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? Did they just never question why it was there? And for that matter, if they never followed it. Why would they have a giant sail boat on standby?

NC: *in mock Mr.Cherrywood voice* Quiet or I will smack you with my ring hand.

NC: So, Jason, Kim, and the other two Care Bears are trapped in between worlds. Which I guess is filled with lost cereal mascots.

Brave Heart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows Playful Heart Monkey *playfully Ooks and waves behind him* and Brave Heart. *gestures to self* [Cuts to scene from Brave Heart]

NC: I know, I know. But how can I not put that in.

NC: So, even though there lost in the Forest of Feelings, the people of Earth are deteriorating, and Care-a-Lot is falling a part. That doesn't stop our heroes from having a song number.

Jason sings: Do you have a house made all out of wood, for keeping you dry when it's raining?

NC: Wow, that's pretty bad kid. I mean not even William Hung bad, but bad.

Playful Heart Monkey: Look, I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose. Kim: Stop. Stay perfectly still. *raises flower to nose, Bee follows flower, then she tosses flower away*

NC: Umm, that was perfectly necessary. What? Was the movie twenty seconds too short, so you had to add a bee scene? The songs pointless enough already. It doesn't need any padding. [Scene changes]

NC: Meanwhile, Nicholas and the Spirit continue to turn all the people of the world into rotten a-holes.

The Spirit: These two small children still care.

Nicholas: But they were to fall into my spell.

The Spirit: Ah, but those *pauses* those soft little bears shield them from your spell with their *pauses* love and caring.

NC: *chuckles* What is up with this woman's voice? Is someone just eating her out while she's saying her lines?

NC: *in the Spirit voice* Those cute, cuddly little bears. *erotic scream* Oh, Oh they care so much. *erotic screams* Mmm, oh I love a happy ending.

The Spirit: You must finish it. Say it.

Nicholas: Zip zap zonk! *evil, purple creature comes out of the pot* Whooo!

NC: Oh great, you unleashed hell. The apocalypse has finally begun and Satan is going to rule the Earth. Good job.

The Spirit: Now, go!

NC: So, the purple fart goes to find the others as the Care Bears ship comes across more friends they can make good toys out of.

Cozy Heart Penguin: Hi. I'm Cozy Heart Penguin. Helping someone in need is what warms my heart and keeps me cozy.

Fake Advertisement announcer: Only $9.99. Pester, scream and yell at your parents until they finally break down and buy you one. It's more important then breathing. [Ad reads: Cozy Heart Penguin. Only $9.99. Don't stop bothering your parents until you have one. Steal from them if you must, Santa says it's okay.]

NC: They also come across a pink elephant. And guessing the amount of boose you've probably had throughout this picture, I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well.

NC: But things aren't so hot with Kim and Jason. As the purple smoke possesses the only tree that happens to have an evil face on it.

Jason and Kim: *scream as they are snatched up by the tree*

Brave Heart: Charge!

NC: *in Scottish accent* They may take your life, but they'll never take our marketability!

Brave Heart: *charges then gets hit by tree and falls*

NC: Wow. Fail. [Scene gets stamped with red lettered Fail]

NC: But luckily, Speedy Gone Hoppis comes along to save the day. [Speedy noises sound as the Rabbit is seen going in and out of the tree at top speed]

NC: So there new bunny friend joins them on their adventure. But unfortunately, the purple smoke takes on another form.

Kim: Brave Heart!

Brave Heart: *raises his paws in fistacuffs manner*

Purple Cloud: *rushes at him as a crow and rushes past him*

Brave Heart: *tries to punch the purple cloud but misses and twirls around in a circle in cartoon fashion*

NC: *sighs* You know, you're really bad at that. Just because you're brave doesn't mean you're capable. [Fail stamp appears again over the scene]

Friend Bear: Our only hope is a Care Bear stare, I just hope it works. There's only two of us. Care Bears, stare!

• Secret Bear and Friend Bear puff out their chests and hearts, stars, and light shine out that hits the evil crow*

[Cuts to scene from Ghostbusters: Dan Akroyd: Start bringing them down, start bringing them down. You got them. Don't cross the streams.]

Friend Bear: The two of use aren't enough.

• more shining from Care Bear Stare appears and the sail boat appears from behind a rock*

NC in multiple Care Bear voices: Taste the rainbow, mothafucka!

• evil crow is destroyed*

NC: Pfft, fuck caring. The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence.

Brave Heart: *roars*

NC: So, they gather up all the other animals of the forest. Because there weren't enough fucking toys to sell. As they find their way out of the forest and back to Earth. How lucky. There ever so happen to pass through space and time.

Tender Heart: Do you still have the key that I gave you?

Jason: Sure do.

Tender Heart: If we lose that key, Jason. We can never win.

NC: That's why I'm entrusting it to a small boy I barely know. How does this make sense again!?

NC: So, Nicholas casts a spell to turn Kim and Jason into heartless jerks. But he needs them to be close in order for the spell to work.

• Care Bears appear on a roller coaster ride as Tender Heart rushes down to Nicholas*

Tender Heart: Nicholas! Nichol-

Nicholas: *holds up cape to face* You're too late. Too late.

NC: *raises arm up like a cape and uses fake Romanian accent* I have officially become a vampire. Not one of those sparkly ones, though. Those totally suck ass.

NC: The Care Bears try to stop him, but the evil of the book is just way too strong.

• scene reveals the book knocking all the Care Bears back into the seat of the roller coaster*

Birthday Bear: The Spirit's power is too strong. Love-a-Lot Bear: Look!

• door ahead of them shines with a bright light and Nicholas appears*

Cozy Heart Penguin: Nicholas?

• Nicholas comes towards them looking possessed and floating as he holds the book*

NC: *laughs* Oh Jesus. Nicholas: *in low and creepy tone* Where are they?

NC: This kid could totally give the Emperor from Star Wars a run for his money.

Emperor (Synched with Nicholas): Now, Luke Skywalker... You will die.

NC: The Care Bears try to *pause* stare him down as they other animals try to help.

Brave Heart: Everybody call!

Care Bear Cousins: *sound off in various animal roars and noises*

NC: Okay guys, that's really not helping. I mean maybe you could get *pauses* a gun or some kind of blunt instrument or ah...Yeah, you're totally useless. [Fail stamp is over the Care Bear Cousins]

Nicholas: *grins cynically as the book's pages turn*

• both Kim and Jason run towards Nicholas*

Tender Heart: Kim! Jason! NO!

The Spirit: Get them!

Nicholas: *his eyes spiral in black and white*

NC: *laughs* Good lord. What is up with this kid's face? He's turning into Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Judge Doom (in sync with Nicholas): When I killed your brother, I talked just like THIS!

NC: *looks horrified, sounds of brick and he points to pants* That was a brick. That was literally a brick.

Jason: We care about you. We used to be like you. We though nobody cared.

Kim: But we were wrong. Know we want to be your friends, Nicholas.

NC: Okay, you know the drill. The kids start saying that they care about Nicholas which gives him the will to care, which thus he stops using the book.

• scene of Nicholas closing the book and holding it to the ground*

Tender Heart: Jason, the key.

Jason: *takes out key* The Spirit: *vaporizes key*

The Simpsons Nelson: Ah ha!

Tender Heart: Hold on, Nicholas!

Secret Bear: *comes rushing over and makes a new key for Jason*

NC: HEY! What the hell? So, that key they kept building up to this entire time as the big secret weapon, could be duplicated whenever they want!? What? Did they just want to make that little boy important? [Scene of Care Bears cheering as the book is locked with the key and then the scene shifts to a celebration at Care-a-Lot]

NC: So, Care-a-Lot is saved, the two kids get adopted and Nicholas finally perfects his magic. The Care Bears also welcome their new animal friends to be Care Bear...Lions...whatever. As they celebrate like they have a delt in their pants.

Cuts to a verse in the ending song:

• And the Care Bear family*

NC: And it turns out that everyone in the orphanage fell asleep. No doubt bored senseless by Mr. Cherrywood's story.

Mr. Cherrywood: Now they'll never know whatever became of Nicholas. I guess all they need to know is that he did live happily ever after. Happier then I ever thought I could be. *holds hands with a woman*

Tender Heart: *peers in the window and chuckles*

• NC adds in a mock voice* Good story. But he missed the part about the asadonmy and ties to the JFK assassination. But I guess that stuff wasn't very important.

[The End title screen appears with all the Care Bears waving]

NC: So, that's the Care Bears Movie. How does it hold up? Well, yeah it's stupid. But to be fair, it's for little kids. It's hard to beat up on something that's intended for children. It's not good but there's not anything bad in it for kids. It's relatively harmless. So, if you're ages one to...I don't know, one. Then you'll probably enjoy this movie.

NC: But there's still one thing that bothers me. Why was the book so evil? I mean what was her motivation all this time? It doesn't make any sense-

The Spirit: Critic! Open the book, Critic.

NC: *grabs a book offscreen and opens it*

The Spirit: You wanted to know what my motivation was?

NC: Yeah, yeah I do.

The Spirit: It was to make the people of the world stop caring.

NC: Yeah, I knew that. Why did you want that to begin with?

The Spirit: I don't know. I don't care.

NC: OH, I see. Because you don't care, nobody else cares. It keeps going around in circles.

The Spirit: Yeah, it's kinda like that-

NC: Piss off.

The Spirit: Wait, wait. No, no. I could give you a happy ending.

NC: *slams book closed and slams on the desk* I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. *walks away*

The Spirit: A-hole.

The End