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|Row 2 title = Running Time |
|Row 2 title = Running Time |
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|Row 2 info = 17:41 |
|Row 2 info = 17:41 |
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| − | |Row 3 title = Website |
+ | |Row 3 title = Website |
| − | |Row 3 info = http:// |
+ | |Row 3 info = http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-the-care-bears-movie/ |
| − | |Row 4 title = |
+ | |Row 4 title = Commentary |
| + | |Row 4 info = http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-commentary-care-bears/ |
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| − | |Row 4 info = [[Drop Dead Fred]] |
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| − | |Row 5 title = |
+ | |Row 5 title = Previous Review |
| − | |Row 5 info = [[ |
+ | |Row 5 info = [[Drop Dead Fred]] |
| + | |Row 6 title = Next review |
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| + | |Row 6 info = [[Jaws 3]] |
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}} |
}} |
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| + | ''(NC looks very displeased.)'' |
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| + | '''NC:''' I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy. I mean, granted, this is the greatest job in the world, but, whenever somebody asks you "what did you do at your job today?" and you had to answer, "I watched ''Care Bears The Movie''", I die a little inside. ''(pause)'' Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride?! ''(pause)'' ...You can't. Roll it. |
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| − | [The scene starts with Nostalgia Critic looking very displeased.] |
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| + | ''(Title card appears.)'' |
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| − | NC: I gotta tell you my work isn't always easy. I mean granted this is the greatest job in the world. But whenever someone asks you what you did at your job today and you had to answer, "I watched Care Bears the movie." I die a little inside. Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity!? How can anyone speak that with any pride!? You can't. Roll it. |
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| + | '''Background singer:''' ♫ Care-A-Lot is a place we all can go... ♫ |
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| − | [Scene cuts to Title of the movie and opening song] |
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| + | ''(Scenes from the movie play.)'' |
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| − | NC: Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big during the day. *tone filled with malice* Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice, and disgustingly marketable. How can any child not get wrapped up in their disgustingness? So, when this movie came out children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear, knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolored vomit. Is it as bad as it looks? Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at *pause and sigh* Care Bears the movie. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day... ''Disgustingly'' cute, ''disgustingly'' nice and ''disgustingly'' marketable. How can any child not get wrapped up in their ''disgustingness''? So when this movie came out, children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear, knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit. |
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| − | [Cuts to movie scene of children in orphanage] |
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| + | '''NC: '''Is it as bad as it looks? Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at... ''(sighs)'' ''Care Bears: The Movie''. |
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| − | NC: So, we start off with probably the whitest orphanage ever scene on film as our narrator, Mr. Cherrywood comes in. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' So we start off with probably the whitest orphanage ever seen on film, as our narrator Mr. Cherrywood comes in. |
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| − | Mr.Cherrywood: Now off to sleep to dream of clowns and circuses, acrobats and jugglers. |
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| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' Now off to sleep to dream of clowns and circuses, acrobats and jugglers... |
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| − | NC: He's played by Mickey Rooney. Former biggest star in the world and now doing *pause* eh, Care Bears. He decides to tell the children a story before going to sleep. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' He's played by Mickey Rooney, former biggest star in the world and now doing...mm...''Care Bears''. He decides to tell the children a story before they go to sleep. |
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| − | Mr.Cherrywood: This is the story of two, young children named Kim and Jason. And how they were helped by a group of very special friends, The Care Bears. |
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| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' This is the story of two young children named Kim and Jason... And how they were helped by a group of very special friends...the Care Bears. |
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| − | NC: *cringes* I don't like that face he made there. |
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| + | '''NC:''' ''(cringes)'' Ugh...I don't like that face he made there... |
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| − | [Cuts back to Mr.Cherrywood saying Care Bears and grinning] |
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| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' ...The Care Bears. |
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| − | NC: *cringes and shivers* It's the kind of that says "I touched half of these children and I'm okay with that." |
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| − | [Cuts to demotivational poster with Mr. Cherrywood's face that says: Mr Cherrywood: I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that.] |
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| + | '''NC:''' ''(cringes again)'' Ugh...It's the kind of face that says... |
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| − | Mr.Cherrywood: The Care Bears live in a magic place called Care-a-Lot. |
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| + | ''(Cuts to demotivational poster with Mr. Cherrywood's face that says: "Mr. Cherrywood; I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that.")'' |
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| − | NC: So as the credits roll, we get our opening song called Care-a-Lot. Sung by Carole King, isn't that sad. And is it just me or does she sound totally uninterested in singing this? |
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| − | [Opening title credits with song plays] |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' "I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that". |
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| − | ''Care-a-Lot is a place you like to be'' |
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| − | Riding on a cloud, |
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| − | You'll care-a-Lot, |
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| − | It's a Rainbow of fantasies, |
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| − | For laughing out loud |
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| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' The Care Bears live in a magic place called Care-a-Lot. |
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| − | NC: *Resting on his hand and looking unamused* *sings in mock Carole King voice* Care-a-lot is paying for my new car. So, I might as well do it. |
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| − | [Cuts back to the opening credits] |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' So as the credits roll, we get our opening song called "Care-a-Lot", sung by Carole King, isn't that sad... And is it me, or does she sound totally uninterested in singing this? |
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| − | NC: On top of that, this song is just shit. I mean listen to these lyrics: |
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| − | *announces the lyrics* |
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| − | Care-a-Lot, carousels playing |
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| − | music in your mind, |
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| − | *pauses and gives WTF!? look* |
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| − | for dancing and singing. |
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| + | '''Carole King: '''''Care-a-Lot is a place you'd like to be, riding on a cloud, you'll care-a-Lot, it's a Rainbow fantasy, for laughing out loud...'' |
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| − | Sometimes you feel so glad, |
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| − | sometimes you feel blue. |
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| − | Trust your feelings, it's *not* bad, |
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| − | feelings are just you. |
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| + | '''NC:''' ''(As King, resting on his hand and looking unamused)'' Care-a-Lot is paying for my new car...so might as well do it... |
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| − | NC: What does that even mean? Feelings are just you!? Oh, that's good to know. I thought it was Hercule the feeling fairy. What are they talking about!? |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' On top of that, this song is just shit. I mean, listen to these lyrics. ''(Recites the lyrics as they are shown onscreen)'' Care-a-Lot, carousels playing music in your mind... |
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| − | NC: By the way, it's probably my perverted mind. But what does it look like these two are doing? |
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| − | [Cuts to a Care Bear relaxing in a cloud car, while another bends down and inspects the hood of his car] |
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| − | NC: This bear looks waaaaaay too happy (in reference to the one relaxing) about what this bear is doing. (in reference to the bear inspecting the hood) I think that car is just a cover. |
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| + | ''(He pauses and gives a "WTF" look before continuing.)'' |
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| − | NC: So our story begins when they spot two children who- you guessed it, stopped caring. |
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| + | '''NC (VO): '''...for dancing and singing. Sometimes you feel so glad, sometimes you feel blue. Trust your feelings, it's ''not'' bad, feelings are just you. |
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| − | Friend Bear: Hi. I'm Friend Bear and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears. *both stand up and pose* |
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| − | Jason: *in disgusted tone* What do you want? |
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| − | Friend Bear: Only to be your friends. |
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| + | '''NC:''' ...What does that even mean? "Feelings are just you"? Oh, that's good to know, I thought it was Herschel the feeling fairy. What are they talking about?! |
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| − | NC: Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote, end quote "Caring." I mean if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend is it like: |
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| − | [Cuts to skit] |
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| − | NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings you want? |
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| − | NC 2: Eh, I don't care. *in panicked tone* NO, wait. I didn't mean!!! *sparkling effects sound and NC moans lightly* |
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| − | Care Bear: Hi. We're the Care Bears and everybody has to care about something- |
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| − | NC 2: *raises gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears* |
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| − | Care Bear: *lots of screaming* |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' By the way, it's probably my perverted mind, but what does it look like ''these'' two are doing? [Cuts to a Care Bear relaxing in a cloud car, while another bends down and inspects the hood of his car) This bear looks ''waaaaaay'' too happy about what this bear is doing. I think that car is just a cover. So our story begins when they spot two children who, you guessed it, stopped caring. |
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| − | [Cuts back to the movie] |
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| − | Care Bear: Everyone needs friends, Jason. Even you and Kim. |
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| − | Kim: *stops walking away with Jason and turns around* We're not your friends. |
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| − | Jason: *turns around* How do you know our names? |
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| + | '''Friend Bear:''' Hi! I'm Friend Bear, and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears! |
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| − | NC: Really? That's your biggest question right now? I mean, granted that's a legitament query. But that should be like question number 5. |
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| + | '''Jason:''' What do ''you'' want? |
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| − | Friend Bear: We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up. And Jason, you want to be a jet pilot. |
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| − | Jason: *surprised* Yeah, how did you know that? |
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| − | Friend Bear: Friends are suppose to know about each other's hopes and dreams. |
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| + | '''Friend Bear:''' Only to be your friends. |
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| − | NC: Friends, stalkers, it's all good. |
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| − | So, while they try to comfort the two kids. Their main leader named, Tender Heart goes to check on another kid named Nicholas. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote-unquote "caring". I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend, is it like... |
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| − | Mr.Cherrywood: Nicholas was a magician's helper. He had never had a friend in his life. |
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| − | *Nicholas walks into Magician's trailer with a heavy, red chest* |
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| − | Magician: Hey! Close the door. |
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| − | Nicholas: *tries to close door but stumbles backwards and falls, causing the contents in the chest to spill out* |
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| − | NC: *in mocking magician tone* Doh. This is why you never had a friend in your life. |
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| + | ''(Cuts to skit with two NCs talking to each other.)'' |
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| − | Nicholas: *still laying on the floor* I didn't mean it. |
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| − | Magician: I bought that trunk, thinking that there was some junk I could use in my magic act. And now half of it's broken. |
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| − | NC: *in mocking magician tone* Don't make me tell your parents! *pauses* That may or may not exist. That I may or may not be keeping you from. |
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| + | '''NC 1:''' Hey, what kind of toppings you want? |
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| − | NC: But Nicholas comes across a secret, magic book. |
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| + | '''NC 2:''' Eh, I don't care. ''(suddenly n panicked tone)'' No, no, wait! I didn't mean--! ''(sparkling sound effects play and NC moans lightly)'' |
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| − | Magic Book: *in song like tone* Nicholas. I am a spirit, Nicholas. You're friend. |
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| + | '''Care Bear (offscreen):''' Hi, we're the Care Bears! And everybody has to care about something-- |
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| − | NC: Unfortunately, it seems to be a book that possesses unnatural, evil powers. |
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| + | ''(NC brings out his gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears as they are heard screaming.)'' |
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| − | Magic Book: *book opens revealing a feminine face within the pages* This is your chance to show that you're a greater magician then he. |
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| − | *Scene cuts to Magician staring at a mirror as the book continues* |
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| − | They love him for his magic- |
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| − | *scene reveals Tender Heart is hiding and watching the book talk to Nicholas* |
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| − | They'll love you for yours. *she pulls Nicholas in closer with spiritual arms* |
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| + | '''Friend Bear:''' Everyone needs friends, Jason. Even you and Kim. |
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| − | [Scene cuts to a scene of the Necromonicon from Evil Dead] |
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| − | Ash: It was never meant for the world of the living. |
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| + | '''Kim:''' ''(stops walking away with Jason and turns around)'' We're not your friends. |
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| − | NC: While that's going on, The Care Bears are working on their latest invention. A teleporter. Yes, apparently there is ground breaking, scientific technology in Care-a-Lot. As long as the buttons look like Lucky Charms Marshmallows. |
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| − | But it accidentally beams the two children up when it wasn't suppose to. |
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| − | Jason: |
+ | '''Jason:''' How do you know our names? |
| − | Care Bears: *pose in formation* We're the Care Bears. |
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| − | Jason and Kim: *moan* More friends? |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' Really? That's your biggest question right now? I mean, granted, that's a legit query, but that should be like question number ''five''. |
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| − | NC: *chuckles* I like these kids. They have all the right reactions. |
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| + | '''Friend Bear:''' We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up, and Jason, you want to be a jet pilot. |
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| − | NC: So, while they try to get the teleporter to work. They show the kids around Care-a-Lot via a god awful song sequence. |
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| + | '''Jason:''' Yeah...how did you know that? |
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| − | Song: |
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| − | *Nobody Cares like a Bear* |
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| + | '''Friend Bear:''' Friends are supposed to know about each other's hopes and dreams. |
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| − | NC: Fuck that shit. I want to see evil book again. |
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| + | '''NC:''' Friends, stalkers, it's all good! |
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| − | Magic Book: He'll be in a deep sleep only long enough for you to take over his magic show. |
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| − | Nicholas: B-but, I-I couldn't. |
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| − | Magic Book: Yes you can. You must. |
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| + | '''NC (VO): '''So while they try to comfort the two kids, their main leader named Tenderheart goes to check on another kid named Nicholas. |
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| − | NC: So, this genuinely creepy character that appears is simply known as "The Spirit." And while not flat out scary, there is something very threatening about her. Maybe it's her voice, maybe it's the fact that there's just a face in a book. But there's something just a little unsettling. |
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| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' Nicholas was a magician's helper. He had never had a friend in his life. |
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| − | The Spirit: There are dozens of children out there. Waiting to see your magic. |
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| + | ''(Nicholas walks into Magician's trailer with a heavy red chest.)'' |
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| − | NC: In fact, I don't want to watch her anymore. I'm going to fast-forward past her parts. *raises remote at screen* |
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| − | The Spirit: *glares and opens mouth* |
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| − | NC: *remote flings out of his hand as he looks on stunned* |
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| − | The Spirit: *pages of the book turn at a fast pace* |
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| − | NC: *gets hit with a bunch of paper in the face and other things* Okay, Okay. I love your scenes. I love your scenes. |
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| − | The Spirit: *evil cackling* |
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| − | NC: I haven't seen a book so in touch with evil since Twilight. |
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| + | '''Magician:''' Hey! Close the door! |
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| − | [Scene cuts back to the movie] |
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| − | Tender Heart: Nicholas, stop! This isn't the way to make friends. |
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| − | The Spirit: Where was he when you needed him? |
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| − | Tender Heart: What matters is- |
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| − | NC: *laughs* I just love Nicholas' face here. As if to say *zooms in on Nicholas' face* "Wow, I didn't think I would see this today. A talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book. Thank god, it's at least Friday." |
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| + | ''(Nicholas tries to close door but stumbles backwards and falls, causing the contents in the chest to spill out.)'' |
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| − | NC: So, she locks Tender Heart in a cage and convinces Nicholas to start his own magic show. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' ''(as magician)'' D'oh, this is why you've never had a friend in your life! |
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| − | Tender Heart: Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help you find the true answer. |
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| − | NC: *in mocking tone* Yes. Just listen to the magic, talking bear. |
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| + | '''Nicholas:''' I didn't mean it! |
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| − | NC: So, Tender Heart breaks his way out. As Nicholas' magic show doesn't go as well as he planned. |
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| + | '''Magician:''' I bought that trunk, thinking maybe there was some junk in it I could use in my magic act! Now half of it's broken! |
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| − | *children laugh at Nicholas* |
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| − | Nicholas: Make them stop laughing. |
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| − | The Spirit: Only you can do that. |
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| − | Nicholas: *scans the book* Zimmer zot cansorthe ne. |
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| − | *lots of thunder clapping and the children look twisted and mean* |
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| + | '''NC:''' ''(as magician)'' Don't make me tell your parents who may or may not exist and I may or may not be keeping you from! |
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| − | NC: Oh no, he turned them into Youtube commenters. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' But Nicholas comes across a secret magic book. |
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| − | The Spirit: *as big green tornado begins to rise from the book* This is only the beginning. |
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| + | '''Magic Book:''' Nicholas... I am a spirit, Nicholas...your friend. |
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| − | NC: So, Nicholas and his evil book start turning everyone in the world into jerks. Because of this, Care-a-Lot starts to crumble. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' Unfortunately, it's a book that seems to possess unnatural evil powers. |
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| − | Sunshine Bear: *in panicked tone* The caring meter dropped two whole points. |
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| − | Care Bears: *loud gasping as the meter continues to drop* |
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| + | '''Magic Book:''' ''(book opens revealing a feminine face within the pages)'' This is your chance to show that you are a greater magician than he. ''(cuts to Magician staring at a mirror as the book continues)'' They love him for his magic. ''(Tender Heart is hiding and watching the book talk to Nicholas)'' They'll love you for yours. |
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| − | NC: *in panicked tone* We're reaching Jersey levels! Jersey levels! |
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| + | ''(Scene from the intro of The Army of Darkness plays.)'' |
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| − | NC: So, Kim and Jason decide to join the Care Bears on their mission to stop The Spirit. |
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| + | '''Ash (narrating):''' It was never meant for the world of the living. |
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| − | Tender Heart: *pulls out a key* Hold onto this for me, Jason. Don't loose it, it's very important. |
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| − | NC: *pauses* Then why don't you hold onto it. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' While that's going on, though, the Care Bears are working on their latest invention, a teleporter. ...Yes, apparently, there's groundbreaking scientific technology in Care-a-Lot, as long as the buttons look like Lucky Charms Marshmallows. But it accidentally beams the two children up when it wasn't supposed to. |
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| − | NC: Anyway, they try teleporting them to Earth. But the Earthquake destroys the teleporter in the process. |
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| + | '''Jason:''' Where are we? |
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| − | Grumpy Bear: They never made it to Earth. |
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| − | Tender Heart: What do you mean? Where are they? |
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| − | Grumpy Bear: They're lost. Somewhere between here and Earth. |
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| − | NC: Yeah, what exactly is the cosmology for Care-a-Lot anyway. I thought it was in the clouds. Now it's in a different dimension. I mean where are they expected to end up. |
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| + | '''Care Bears:''' ''(pose in formation)'' We're the Care Bears! |
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| − | Grumpy Bear: They're lost. Somewhere between here and Earth. |
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| − | [Cuts to scene of the two children and a Care Bear dead and floating in space] |
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| + | '''Jason and Kim:''' ''More'' friends? |
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| − | NC: So, they decide to take a river down to Earth. Yes, that's right. There's a river in the clouds now. In the hopes that this will *pauses* somehow cross dimensions. I don't know, here's how they explain it. |
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| − | Mr.Cherrywood: No one in Care-a-Lot ever followed the river. They had no idea whether it would lead them to Kim, Jason, and the missing Care Bears or nowhere at all. |
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| + | '''NC:''' Ha, I like these kids, they have all the right reactions! |
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| − | NC: *in mock child-like voice* Mistah Cherrywood, there seems to be a lotta holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? Did they just never question why it was there? And for that matter, if they never followed it. Why would they have a giant sail boat on standby? |
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| − | NC: *in mock Mr.Cherrywood voice* Quiet or I will smack you with my ring hand. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' So while they try to get the teleporter to work, they show the kids around Care-a-Lot via a god awful song sequence. |
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| − | NC: So, Jason, Kim, and the other two Care Bears are trapped in between worlds. Which I guess is filled with lost cereal mascots. |
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| + | '''Background Singer:''' Nobody cares like a bear... |
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| − | Brave Heart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows Playful Heart Monkey *playfully Ooks and waves behind him* and Brave Heart. *gestures to self* |
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| − | [Cuts to scene from Brave Heart] |
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| − | NC: I know, I know. But how can I not put that in. |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' But fuck that shit, I wanna see the evil book again! |
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| − | NC: So, even though there lost in the Forest of Feelings, the people of Earth are deteriorating, and Care-a-Lot is falling a part. That doesn't stop our heroes from having a song number. |
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| + | '''Magic Book:''' He'll be in a deep sleep only long enough for you to take over his magic show. |
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| − | Jason sings: ''Do you have a house made all out of wood,'' |
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| − | for keeping you dry when it's raining? |
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| + | '''Nicholas:''' B--but...I--I couldn't... |
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| − | NC: Wow, that's pretty bad kid. I mean not even William Hung bad, but bad. |
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| + | '''Magic Book:''' Yes, you can. You must. |
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| − | Playful Heart Monkey: Look, I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose. |
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| − | Kim: Stop. Stay perfectly still. *raises flower to nose, Bee follows flower, then she tosses flower away* |
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| + | '''NC (VO):''' So, this genuinely creepy character that appears is simply known as "The Spirit." And while not flat-out scary, there is something very threatening about her. Maybe it's her voice, maybe it's the fact that there's just a face in a book. But there's something that's just a little unsettling. |
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| − | NC: Umm, that was perfectly necessary. What? Was the movie twenty seconds too short, so you had to add a bee scene? The songs pointless enough already. It doesn't need any padding. |
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| − | [Scene changes] |
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| + | '''The Spirit:''' There are dozens of children out there, waiting to see your magic. |
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| − | NC: Meanwhile, Nicholas and The Spirit continue to turn all the people of the world into rotten a-holes. |
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| + | '''NC:''' In fact, I don't want to watch her anymore, I'm gonna fast forward past her parts. |
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| − | The Spirit: These two small children still care. |
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| − | Nicholas: But they were to fall into my spell. |
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| − | The Spirit: Ah, but those *pauses* those soft little bears shield them from your spell with their *pauses* love and caring. |
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| − | NC: *chuckles* What is up with this woman's voice? Is someone just eating her out while she's saying her lines? |
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| + | ''(He raises a remote at the screen, but the Spirit glares, causing the remote to fling out of NC's hand as he looks on stunned. The pages of the book turn at a fast pace, as NC gets hit with a bunch of paper in the face and other things)'' |
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| − | NC: *in The Spirit voice* Those cute, cuddly little bears. *erotic scream* Oh, Oh they care so much. *erotic screams* Mmm, oh I love a happy ending. |
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| + | '''NC:''' Ah, what th--''OKAY, OKAY, I LOVE YOUR SCENES, I LOVE YOUR SCENES!!'' |
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| − | The Spirit: You must finish it. Say it. |
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| − | Nicholas: Zip zap zonk! *evil, purple creature comes out of the pot* Whooo! |
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| + | ''(The Spirit cackles.)'' |
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| − | NC: Oh great, you unleashed hell. The apocalypse has finally begun and Satan is going to rule the Earth. Good job. |
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| + | '''NC:''' I haven't seen a book so in touch with evil since ''Twilight''... |
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| − | The Spirit: Now, go! |
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| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Nicholas, stop! This isn't the way to make friends! |
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| − | NC: So, the purple fart goes to find the others as the Care Bears ship comes across more friends they can make good toys out of. |
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| + | '''The Spirit:''' Where was he when you needed him? |
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| − | Cozy Heart Penguin: Hi. I'm Cozy Heart Penguin. Helping someone in need is what warms my heart and keeps me cozy. |
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| − | Fake Advertisement announcer: Only $9.99. Pester, scream and yell at your parents until they finally break down and buy you one. It's more important then breathing. |
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| − | [Ad reads: Cozy Heart Penguin. Only $9.99. Don't stop bothering your parents until you have one. Steal from them if you must, Santa says it's okay.] |
||
| + | ''(Tenderheart jumps between Nicholas and the Spirit, as Nicholas makes a confused face.)'' |
||
| − | NC: They also come across a pink elephant. And guessing the amount of boose you've probably had throughout this picture, I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well. |
||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' What matters is... |
||
| − | NC: But things aren't so hot with Kim and Jason. As the purple smoke possesses the only tree that happens to have an evil face on it. |
||
| + | '''NC (VO): '''''(laughs)'' I just love Nicholas' face here. As if to say, "Wow, I really didn't think I was gonna see this today. A talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book. Thank God it's at least Friday!" So, she locks Tender Heart in a cage and convinces Nicholas to start his own magic show. |
||
| − | Jason and Kim: *scream as they are snatched up by the tree* |
||
| − | Brave Heart: Charge! |
||
| − | NC: *in Scottish accent* They may take your life, but they'll never take our marketability! |
||
| − | Brave Heart: *charges then gets hit by tree and falls* |
||
| − | NC: Wow. Fail. |
||
| − | [Scene gets stamped with red lettered Fail] |
||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help you find the true answer. |
||
| − | NC: But luckily Speedy Gone Hoppis comes along to save the day. |
||
| − | [Speedy noises sound as the Rabbit is seen going in and out of the tree at top speed] |
||
| + | '''NC:''' Yes. Just listen to the magic talking bear. |
||
| − | NC: So there new bunny friend joins them on their adventure. But unfortunately, the purple smoke takes on another form. |
||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So Tender Heart breaks his way out, as Nicholas' magic show doesn't go as well as he planned. |
||
| − | Kim: Brave Heart! |
||
| − | Brave Heart: *raises his paws in fistacuffs manner* |
||
| − | Purple Cloud: *rushes at him as a crow and rushes past him* |
||
| − | Brave Heart: *tries to punch the purple cloud but misses and twirls around in a circle in cartoon fashion* |
||
| − | NC: *sighs* You know, you're really bad at that. Just because you're brave doesn't mean you're capable. |
||
| − | [Fail stamp appears again over the scene] |
||
| + | ''(As the children audience laugh at Nicholas, he turns to the Spirit)'' |
||
| − | Friend Bear: Our only hope is a Care Bear stare, I just hope it works. There's only two of us. |
||
| − | Care Bears, stare! |
||
| − | *Secret Bear and Friend Bear puff out their chests and hearts, stars, and light shine out that hits the evil crow* |
||
| − | [Cuts to scene from Ghostbuster: |
||
| − | Dan Akroyd: Start bringing them down, start bringing them down. You got them. Don't cross the streams.] |
||
| + | '''Nicholas:''' Make them stop laughing! |
||
| − | Friend Bear: The two of use aren't enough. |
||
| − | *more shining from Care Bear Stare appears and the sail boat appears from behind a rock* |
||
| − | NC in multiple Care Bear voice: Taste the rainbow mothafucka! |
||
| − | *evil crow is destroyed* |
||
| − | NC: Pfft, fuck caring. The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence. |
||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' Only you can do that... |
||
| − | Brave Heart: *roars* |
||
| + | '''Nicholas:''' ''(scans the book)'' Zimmer zot...cansorthe ne! |
||
| − | NC: So, they gather up all the other animals of the forest. Because there wasn't enough fucking toys to sell. As they find their way out of the forest and back to Earth. How lucky. There ever so happen to pass through space and time. |
||
| + | ''(Thunderclaps are heard, and the children suddenly look twisted and mean)'' |
||
| − | Tender Heart: Do you still have the key that I gave you? |
||
| − | Jason: Sure do. |
||
| − | Tender Heart: If we loose that key, Jason. We can never win. |
||
| − | NC: That's why I'm entrusting it to a small boy I barely know. How does this make sense again!? |
||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' Oh no, he turned them into YouTube commenters... |
||
| − | NC: So, Nicholas casts a spell to turn Kim and Jason into heartless jerks. But he needs them to be close in order for the spell to work. |
||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' ''(as a big green tornado begins to rise from the book)'' This is only...the beginning.... |
||
| − | *Care Bears appear on a roller coaster ride as Tender Heart rushes down to Nicholas* |
||
| − | Tender Heart: Nicholas! Nichol- |
||
| − | Nicholas: *holds up cape to face* You're too late. Too late. |
||
| − | NC: *raises arm up like a cape and uses fake translyvanian accent* I have officially become a vampire. Not one of those sparkly ones though. Those totally suck ass. |
||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So Nicholas and his evil book start turning everybody in the world into jerks. Because of this, Care-a-Lot starts to crumble. |
||
| − | NC: The Care Bears try to stop him, but the evil of the book is just way too strong. |
||
| − | *scene reveals the book knocking all the Care Bears back into the seat of the roller coaster* |
||
| − | Birthday Bear: The Spirit's power is too strong. |
||
| − | Love-a-Lot Bear: Look! |
||
| − | *door ahead of them shines with a bright light and Nicholas appears* |
||
| + | '''Funshine Bear:''' ''(in panicked tone)'' The caring meter dropped two whole points! |
||
| − | Cozy Heart Penguin: Nicholas? |
||
| − | *Nicholas comes towards them looking possessed and floating as he holds the book* |
||
| + | ''(All the Care Bears gasp as the meter continues to drop)'' |
||
| − | NC: *laughs* Oh Jesus. |
||
| − | Nicholas: *in low and creepy tone* Where are they? |
||
| + | '''NC:''' We're reaching Jersey levels! JERSEY LEVELS!! |
||
| − | NC: This kid could totally give the Emperor from Star Wars a run for his money. |
||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So Kim and Jason decide to join the Care Bears in their mission to stop the Spirit. |
||
| − | Emperor (Synched with Nicholas): Now, look Skye Walker. You will die. |
||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' ''(pulls out a key)'' Hold onto this for me, Jason. Don't lose it. It's very important. |
||
| − | NC: The Care Bears try to *pause* stare him down as they other animals try to help. |
||
| + | '''NC:''' Then why don't ''you'' hold onto it? |
||
| − | Brave Heart: Everybody call! |
||
| − | Care Bear Cousins: *sound off in various animal roars and noises* |
||
| − | NC: Okay guys, that's really not helping. I mean maybe you could get *pauses* a gun or some kind of blunt instrument or ah...Yeah, you're totally useless. |
||
| − | [Fail stamp is over the Care Bear Cousins] |
||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' Well, anyway, they try teleporting them to Earth, but the earthquake destroys the teleporter in the process. |
||
| − | Nicholas: *grins cynically as the book's pages turn* |
||
| − | *both Kim and Jason run towards Nicholas* |
||
| − | Tender Heart: Kim! Jason! NO! |
||
| − | The Spirit: Get them! |
||
| − | Nicholas: *his eyes spiral in black and white* |
||
| − | NC: *laughs* Good lord. What is up with this kid's face? He's turning into Judge Doom from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" |
||
| − | Judge Doom (in synch with Nicholas): When I killed your brother I talked just like THIS! |
||
| − | NC: *looks horrified, sounds of brick and he points to pants* That was a brick. That was literally a brick. |
||
| + | '''Grumpy Bear:''' They never made it to Earth! |
||
| − | Jason: We care about you. We used to be like you. We though nobody cared. |
||
| − | Kim: But we were wrong. Know we want to be your friends, Nicholas. |
||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' What do you mean? Where are they? |
||
| − | NC: Okay, you know the drill. The kids start saying that they care about Nicholas which gives him the will to care, which thus he stops using the book. |
||
| + | '''Grumpy Bear:''' They're lost! Somewhere between ''here'' and ''Earth''! |
||
| − | *scene of Nicholas closing the book and holding it to the ground* |
||
| − | Tender Heart: Jason, the key. |
||
| − | Jason: *takes out key* |
||
| − | The Spirit: *vaporizes key* |
||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' Yeah, um, what exactly is the cosmology for Care-a-Lot, anyway? I thought it was in the clouds. Now it's in a different dimension? I mean, where are they expected to end up? |
||
| − | The Simpson's Nelson: Ah ha! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Grumpy Bear:''' <span style="font-weight:normal;">They're lost! Somewhere between </span>''here''<span style="font-weight:normal;"> and </span>''Earth''<span style="font-weight:normal;">!</span> |
||
| + | |||
| + | ''(Cuts to scene of the two children and a Care Bear dead and floating in space)'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So they decide to take a river down to Earth...that's right, there's a river in the clouds now...in the hopes that this will...somehow cross dimensions. I don't know, here's how they explain it... |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' No one in Care-a-Lot had ever followed the river. They had no idea whether it would lead them to Kim, Jason, and the missing Care Bears...''(scene fades out)'' or to nowhere at all. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' ''(as child)'' Mr. Cherrywood, there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? They just never question why it was there? And for that matter, if they never followed it, why would they have a giant sailboat on standby? ''(As Mr. Cherrywood)'' Quiet or I will smack you with my ring hand! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So, Jason, Kim, and the other two Care Bears are trapped in between worlds, which I guess is filled with lost cereal mascots. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Brave Heart:''' Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows of Playful Heart Monkey and Brave Heart. ''(gestures to self)'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | ''(Scene from Braveheart plays)'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' I know, I know, but how can I not put that in? |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So, even though they're lost in the Forest of Feelings, the people of Earth are deteriorating and Care-a-Lot is falling apart, that doesn't stop our heroes from having a song number. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Jason''': (Singing) ''Do you have a house made all out of wood,'' ''for keeping you dry when it's raining?'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' Wow, that's pretty bad, kid. I mean, not William Hung bad (Cuts to a clip of William Hung in American Idol), but...but bad. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Playful Heart Monkey:''' Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Kim:''' Stop! Stay perfectly still... ''(Raises flower to nose, bee follows flower, then she tosses flower away)'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' Um, that was totally necessary. What was the movie like 20 seconds too short so you had to add a bee scene? The song's pointless enough already, you doesn't need any more padding! Meanwhile, Nicholas and the Spirit continue to turn all the people of the world into rotten a-holes. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' These two small children still care... |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Nicholas:''' But they were to fall under my spell! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' Ah, but those...those ''soft'' little bears shield them from your spells with their...''love'' and ''caring''. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' ''(Chuckles)'' What is up with this woman's voice? Is someone just eating her out while she's saying her lines?! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' ''(As the Spirit)'' Those cute, cuddly little bears... Ahh! Oh, oh, they care so much... Mmm, oh, I love a happy ending... |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' You must finish it. Say it... |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Nicholas:''' Zip...zap...zonk! ''(an evil purple smoke creature comes out of the pot)'' Aaaaaah! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' Oh, great. You unleashed Hell. The apocalypse has finally begun and Satan is going to rule the Earth. Good job. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' Now, go! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' So that purple fart goes to find the others, as the Care Bears' ship comes across more friends that they can make good toys out of. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Cozy Heart Penguin:''' I'm Cozy Heart Penguin. Helping someone in need is what warms my heart and keeps me cozy! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (VO):''' ''(as Fake Advertisement announcer)'' ''(Text: Cozy Heart Penguin. Only $9.99. Don't stop bothering your parents until you have one. Steal from them if you must, Santa says it's okay.) ''Only $9.99! Pester, scream and yell at your parents until they finally break down and buy you one! It's more important than breathing. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' They also come across a pink elephant. And, guessing the amount of booze you've probably had throughout this picture, I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well. But things aren't so hot with Kim and Jason, as the purple smoke possesses the only tree that happens to have an evil face on it. |
||
| + | |||
| + | ''(Jason and Kim''' '''scream as they are snatched up by the tree)'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Brave Heart:''' Charge! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC: '''''(As William Wallace from Braveheart)'' They may take our lives, but they'll never take, ''OUR MARKETABILITY!'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Brave Heart charges then gets hit by tree and falls) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' Wow. Fail. |
||
| + | |||
| + | [The scene gets stamped with red lettered "Fail"] |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' But luckily, Speedy Gon-Hoppis comes along to save the day. |
||
| + | |||
| + | [Speedy Gonzales' noises sound as the Rabbit is seen going in and out of the tree at top speed] |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' So their new bunny friend joins them on their adventure. But unfortunately, the purple smoke takes on another form. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Kim:''' Brave Heart! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Brave Heart raises his paws in fistacuffs manner as the purple cloud rushes at him as a crow and rushes past him. Brave Heart tries to punch the purple cloud but misses and twirls around in a circle in cartoon fashion) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' (sighs in annoyance) You know, you're really bad at that! Just because you're brave, doesn't mean you're capable. |
||
| + | |||
| + | [The "Fail" stamp appears again over the scene] |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Friend Bear:''' Our only hope is a Care Bear stare, I just hope it works. There's only two of us. Care Bears, stare! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Secret Bear and Friend Bear puff out their chests and hearts, stars, and light shine out that hits the evil crow. Cut to a scene from ''Ghostbusters)'' |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Ray Stanz:''' Start bringing them down, start bringing them down. You got them. Don't cross the streams. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Friend Bear:''' The two of us aren't enough. |
||
| + | |||
| + | (More shining from Care Bear Stare appears as the sailboat appears from behind a rock) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo; in multiple Care Bear voices):''' '''Taste the rainbow, motherfucker!''' |
||
| + | |||
| + | (The evil crow is destroyed) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' Pfft, well, fuck caring. The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence. So, they gather all the other animals of the forest...because there weren't enough fucking toys to sell...as they find their way out of the forest and back to Earth. How lucky. There ever just so happens to pass space and time. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Do you still have the key that I gave you? |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Jason:''' Sure do. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' If we lose that key, Jason, we can never win. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' That's why I'm entrusting it to a small boy I barely know. How does this make sense again? |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' So Nicholas casts a spell to turn Kim and Jason into heartless jerks. But he needs them to be close in order for the spell to work. |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Care Bears appear on a roller coaster ride as Tender Heart rushes down to Nicholas) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Nicholas! Nichol- |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Nicholas:''' (holds up cape to face) You're too late. Too late. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' (Raises arm up like a cape and uses fake Romanian accent) I have officially become a vampire. Not one of those sparkly ones, though. They totally suck ass. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' The Care Bears try to stop him, but the evil of the book is just way too strong. |
||
| + | |||
| + | (The scene reveals the book knocking all the Care Bears back into the seat of the roller coaster) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''[[w:c:carebears:Birthday Bear|Birthday Bear]]:''' The Spirit's power is too strong. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''[[w:c:carebears:Love-a-Lot Bear|Love-a-Lot Bear]]:''' Look! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (The door ahead of them shines with a bright light and Nicholas appears) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Cozy Heart Penguin:''' Nicholas? |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Nicholas comes towards them looking possessed and floating as he holds the book) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' (laughs) Oh, Jesus. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Nicholas:''' (in low and creepy tone) Where are they? |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' This kid could totally give the Emperor from ''Star Wars'' a run for his money. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Emperor (Dubbed over Nicholas):''' Now, young Skywalker...you will die. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' The Care Bears try to...um...stare him down, as the other animals try to help. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Brave Heart:''' Everybody, call! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (The '''[[w:c:carebears:Care Bear Cousins|Care Bear Cousins]]''' sound off in various animal roars and noises) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' Okay, guys, that's really not helping. I mean, maybe you could get...I don't know, a gun or some kind of blunt instrument or, uh...yeah, you're totally useless. |
||
| + | |||
| + | [The "Fail" stamp is placed over the Care Bear Cousins] |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Nicholas''' '''grins cynically as the book's pages turn. Both Kim and Jason run towards Nicholas) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Kim! Jason! NO! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' It's them! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Nicholas' eyes spiral in black and white) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' (Laughs) Good lord! What is up with this kid's face? He's turning into [[w:c:disney:Judge Doom|Judge Doom]] from ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Disneycember)|Who Framed]] [[What You Never Knew About Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]]''! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Judge Doom (Dubbed over Nicholas):''' When I killed your brother, I talked...JUST...LIKE...THIIIIS! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (NC''' '''looks horrified. A sound of a brick dropping is heard as he points to his pants) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC: '''That was a brick. That was literally a brick. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Jason:''' (To Nicholas) We care about you. We used to be like you. We thought nobody cared. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Kim:''' But we were wrong. Now we want to be your friends, Nicholas. |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' Okay, you know the drill. The kids start saying that they care about Nicholas, which gives him the will to care, and thus, he stops using the book. |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Nicholas closes the book and holds it to the ground) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Jason, the key. |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Just as Jason brings out the key, the Spirit uses its power to vaporize the key) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Nelson:''' Ha-ha! |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''Tender Heart:''' Hold on, Nicholas! |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Secret Bear''' '''comes rushing over and makes a new key for Jason) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' HEY! What the hell?! So that key they kept building up this whole time as the big secret weapon could be duplicated whenever they want?! What, did they just want to make that little boy feel important? |
||
| − | Tender Heart: Hold on, Nicholas! |
||
| − | Secret Bear: *comes rushing over and makes a new key for Jason* |
||
| − | NC: HEY! What the hell? So, that key they kept building up to this entire time as the big secret weapon, could be duplicated whenever they want!? What? Did they just want to make that little boy important? |
||
[Scene of Care Bears cheering as the book is locked with the key and then the scene shifts to a celebration at Care-a-Lot] |
[Scene of Care Bears cheering as the book is locked with the key and then the scene shifts to a celebration at Care-a-Lot] |
||
| − | NC: So, Care-a-Lot is saved, the two kids get adopted and Nicholas finally perfects his magic. The Care Bears also welcome their new animal friends to be Care Bear...Lions...whatever |
+ | '''NC (vo):''' So, Care-a-Lot is saved, the two kids get adopted and Nicholas finally perfects his magic act. The Care Bears also welcome their new animal friends to be Care Bear...Lions...whatever, as they celebrate by dancing like they have a dump in their pants. |
| − | Cuts to a verse in the ending song |
+ | (Cuts to a verse in the ending song) |
| − | *And the Care Bear family* |
||
| − | NC: And it turns out |
+ | '''NC (vo):''' And it turns out all the children in the orphanage fell asleep, no doubt bored senseless of Mr. Cherrywood's story. |
| + | |||
| + | '''Mr. Cherrywood:''' Now they'll never know what eventually became of Nicholas. I guess all they need to know is that he did live happily ever after, happier than I ever thought I could be. |
||
| + | |||
| + | (Tender Heart peers in the window and chuckles) |
||
| + | |||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' (As a child) Good story. But he missed the part about the sodomy, and the ties to the JFK assassination. But I guess that stuff wasn't very important. |
||
| − | Mr.Cherrywood: Now they'll never know whatever became of Nicholas. I guess all they need to know is that he did live happily ever after. Happier then I ever thought I could be. *holds hands with a woman* |
||
| − | Tender Heart: *peers in the window and chuckles* |
||
| − | *NC adds in a mock voice* Good story. But he missed the part about the asadonmy and ties to the JFK assassination. But I guess that stuff wasn't very important. |
||
[The End title screen appears with all the Care Bears waving] |
[The End title screen appears with all the Care Bears waving] |
||
| − | NC: So, that's the Care Bears Movie. How does it hold up? |
+ | '''NC:''' So, that's the ''Care Bears Movie''. How does it hold up? |
| − | Well, yeah it's stupid. But to be fair, it's for little kids. It's hard to beat up on something that's intended for children. It's not good but there's not anything bad in it for kids. It's relatively harmless. |
||
| − | So, if you're ages one to...I don't know, one. Then you'll probably enjoy this movie. |
||
| + | '''NC (vo):''' Well, yeah, it's stupid, but to be fair, it's for little kids. It's kind of hard to beat up on something intended for really young children. It's not good, but there's not really anything bad in it for kids. It's relatively harmless. So, if you're ages one to...I don't know, one, you'll probably enjoy it okay. |
||
| − | NC: But there's still one thing that bothers me. Why was the book so evil? I mean what was her motivation all this time? It doesn't make any sense- |
||
| + | |||
| − | The Spirit: Critic! Open the book, Critic. |
||
| + | '''NC:''' But there's still one thing that really bothers me. Why was the book so evil? I mean, what was her motivation all this time? It doesn't make any sense- |
||
| − | NC: *grabs a book offscreen and opens it* |
||
| + | |||
| − | The Spirit: You wanted to know what my motivation was? |
||
| + | '''The Spirit (voiced by NC):''' Critic! Open the book, Critic. |
||
| − | NC: yeah, yeah I do. |
||
| + | |||
| − | The Spirit: It was to make the people of the world stop caring. |
||
| + | (NC grabs a book offscreen and opens it) |
||
| − | NC: Yeah, I knew that. Why did you want that to begin with? |
||
| + | |||
| − | The Spirit: I don't know. I don't care. |
||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' You wanted to know what my motivation was? |
||
| − | NC: OH, I see. Because you don't care, nobody else cares. It keeps going around in circles. |
||
| + | |||
| − | The Spirit: Yeah, it's kinda like that- |
||
| − | NC: |
+ | '''NC:''' Yeah, yeah, I do. |
| + | |||
| − | The Spirit: Wait, wait. No, no. I could give you a happy ending. |
||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' It was to make the people of the world stop caring. |
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| − | NC: *slams book close and slams on the desk* I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. *walks away* |
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| − | The Spirit: A-hole. |
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| + | '''NC:''' I knew that. But why did you want that to begin with? |
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| + | '''The Spirit:''' I don't know. I don't care. |
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| + | '''NC:''' Oh, I see. Because you don't care, nobody else cares. It keeps going around in circles. |
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| + | '''The Spirit:''' Yeah, it's kinda like that... |
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| + | '''NC:''' Piss off. |
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| + | '''The Spirit:''' Wait, wait. No! I could give you a happy ending. |
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| + | |||
| + | (NC slams book closed and slams on the desk) |
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| + | |||
| + | '''NC:''' I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. |
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| + | |||
| + | (He walks away) |
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| + | |||
| + | '''The Spirit:''' A-hole. |
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The End |
The End |
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| + | Channel Awesome Logo |
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| + | |||
| + | '''Tagline:''' Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose! |
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{{NCscripts}} |
{{NCscripts}} |
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| + | {{DEFAULTSORT:Care Bears Movie, The}} |
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[[Category:Content]] |
[[Category:Content]] |
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[[Category:Guides]] |
[[Category:Guides]] |
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Revision as of 04:12, 26 February 2020
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The Care Bears Movie
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Date Aired
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May 11th, 2010
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Running Time
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17:41
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Website
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Commentary
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Previous Review
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Next review
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(NC looks very displeased.)
NC: I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy. I mean, granted, this is the greatest job in the world, but, whenever somebody asks you "what did you do at your job today?" and you had to answer, "I watched Care Bears The Movie", I die a little inside. (pause) Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride?! (pause) ...You can't. Roll it.
(Title card appears.)
Background singer: ♫ Care-A-Lot is a place we all can go... ♫
(Scenes from the movie play.)
NC (VO): Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day... Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice and disgustingly marketable. How can any child not get wrapped up in their disgustingness? So when this movie came out, children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear, knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit.
NC: Is it as bad as it looks? Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at... (sighs) Care Bears: The Movie.
NC (VO): So we start off with probably the whitest orphanage ever seen on film, as our narrator Mr. Cherrywood comes in.
Mr. Cherrywood: Now off to sleep to dream of clowns and circuses, acrobats and jugglers...
NC (VO): He's played by Mickey Rooney, former biggest star in the world and now doing...mm...Care Bears. He decides to tell the children a story before they go to sleep.
Mr. Cherrywood: This is the story of two young children named Kim and Jason... And how they were helped by a group of very special friends...the Care Bears.
NC: (cringes) Ugh...I don't like that face he made there...
Mr. Cherrywood: ...The Care Bears.
NC: (cringes again) Ugh...It's the kind of face that says...
(Cuts to demotivational poster with Mr. Cherrywood's face that says: "Mr. Cherrywood; I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that.")
NC (VO): "I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that".
Mr. Cherrywood: The Care Bears live in a magic place called Care-a-Lot.
NC (VO): So as the credits roll, we get our opening song called "Care-a-Lot", sung by Carole King, isn't that sad... And is it me, or does she sound totally uninterested in singing this?
Carole King: Care-a-Lot is a place you'd like to be, riding on a cloud, you'll care-a-Lot, it's a Rainbow fantasy, for laughing out loud...
NC: (As King, resting on his hand and looking unamused) Care-a-Lot is paying for my new car...so might as well do it...
NC (VO): On top of that, this song is just shit. I mean, listen to these lyrics. (Recites the lyrics as they are shown onscreen) Care-a-Lot, carousels playing music in your mind...
(He pauses and gives a "WTF" look before continuing.)
NC (VO): ...for dancing and singing. Sometimes you feel so glad, sometimes you feel blue. Trust your feelings, it's not bad, feelings are just you.
NC: ...What does that even mean? "Feelings are just you"? Oh, that's good to know, I thought it was Herschel the feeling fairy. What are they talking about?!
NC (VO): By the way, it's probably my perverted mind, but what does it look like these two are doing? [Cuts to a Care Bear relaxing in a cloud car, while another bends down and inspects the hood of his car) This bear looks waaaaaay too happy about what this bear is doing. I think that car is just a cover. So our story begins when they spot two children who, you guessed it, stopped caring.
Friend Bear: Hi! I'm Friend Bear, and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears!
Jason: What do you want?
Friend Bear: Only to be your friends.
NC (VO): Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote-unquote "caring". I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend, is it like...
(Cuts to skit with two NCs talking to each other.)
NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings you want?
NC 2: Eh, I don't care. (suddenly n panicked tone) No, no, wait! I didn't mean--! (sparkling sound effects play and NC moans lightly)
Care Bear (offscreen): Hi, we're the Care Bears! And everybody has to care about something--
(NC brings out his gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears as they are heard screaming.)
Friend Bear: Everyone needs friends, Jason. Even you and Kim.
Kim: (stops walking away with Jason and turns around) We're not your friends.
Jason: How do you know our names?
NC (VO): Really? That's your biggest question right now? I mean, granted, that's a legit query, but that should be like question number five.
Friend Bear: We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up, and Jason, you want to be a jet pilot.
Jason: Yeah...how did you know that?
Friend Bear: Friends are supposed to know about each other's hopes and dreams.
NC: Friends, stalkers, it's all good!
NC (VO): So while they try to comfort the two kids, their main leader named Tenderheart goes to check on another kid named Nicholas.
Mr. Cherrywood: Nicholas was a magician's helper. He had never had a friend in his life.
(Nicholas walks into Magician's trailer with a heavy red chest.)
Magician: Hey! Close the door!
(Nicholas tries to close door but stumbles backwards and falls, causing the contents in the chest to spill out.)
NC (VO): (as magician) D'oh, this is why you've never had a friend in your life!
Nicholas: I didn't mean it!
Magician: I bought that trunk, thinking maybe there was some junk in it I could use in my magic act! Now half of it's broken!
NC: (as magician) Don't make me tell your parents who may or may not exist and I may or may not be keeping you from!
NC (VO): But Nicholas comes across a secret magic book.
Magic Book: Nicholas... I am a spirit, Nicholas...your friend.
NC (VO): Unfortunately, it's a book that seems to possess unnatural evil powers.
Magic Book: (book opens revealing a feminine face within the pages) This is your chance to show that you are a greater magician than he. (cuts to Magician staring at a mirror as the book continues) They love him for his magic. (Tender Heart is hiding and watching the book talk to Nicholas) They'll love you for yours.
(Scene from the intro of The Army of Darkness plays.)
Ash (narrating): It was never meant for the world of the living.
NC (VO): While that's going on, though, the Care Bears are working on their latest invention, a teleporter. ...Yes, apparently, there's groundbreaking scientific technology in Care-a-Lot, as long as the buttons look like Lucky Charms Marshmallows. But it accidentally beams the two children up when it wasn't supposed to.
Jason: Where are we?
Care Bears: (pose in formation) We're the Care Bears!
Jason and Kim: More friends?
NC: Ha, I like these kids, they have all the right reactions!
NC (VO): So while they try to get the teleporter to work, they show the kids around Care-a-Lot via a god awful song sequence.
Background Singer: Nobody cares like a bear...
NC (VO): But fuck that shit, I wanna see the evil book again!
Magic Book: He'll be in a deep sleep only long enough for you to take over his magic show.
Nicholas: B--but...I--I couldn't...
Magic Book: Yes, you can. You must.
NC (VO): So, this genuinely creepy character that appears is simply known as "The Spirit." And while not flat-out scary, there is something very threatening about her. Maybe it's her voice, maybe it's the fact that there's just a face in a book. But there's something that's just a little unsettling.
The Spirit: There are dozens of children out there, waiting to see your magic.
NC: In fact, I don't want to watch her anymore, I'm gonna fast forward past her parts.
(He raises a remote at the screen, but the Spirit glares, causing the remote to fling out of NC's hand as he looks on stunned. The pages of the book turn at a fast pace, as NC gets hit with a bunch of paper in the face and other things)
NC: Ah, what th--OKAY, OKAY, I LOVE YOUR SCENES, I LOVE YOUR SCENES!!
(The Spirit cackles.)
NC: I haven't seen a book so in touch with evil since Twilight...
Tender Heart: Nicholas, stop! This isn't the way to make friends!
The Spirit: Where was he when you needed him?
(Tenderheart jumps between Nicholas and the Spirit, as Nicholas makes a confused face.)
Tender Heart: What matters is...
NC (VO): (laughs) I just love Nicholas' face here. As if to say, "Wow, I really didn't think I was gonna see this today. A talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book. Thank God it's at least Friday!" So, she locks Tender Heart in a cage and convinces Nicholas to start his own magic show.
Tender Heart: Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help you find the true answer.
NC: Yes. Just listen to the magic talking bear.
NC (VO): So Tender Heart breaks his way out, as Nicholas' magic show doesn't go as well as he planned.
(As the children audience laugh at Nicholas, he turns to the Spirit)
Nicholas: Make them stop laughing!
The Spirit: Only you can do that...
Nicholas: (scans the book) Zimmer zot...cansorthe ne!
(Thunderclaps are heard, and the children suddenly look twisted and mean)
NC (VO): Oh no, he turned them into YouTube commenters...
The Spirit: (as a big green tornado begins to rise from the book) This is only...the beginning....
NC (VO): So Nicholas and his evil book start turning everybody in the world into jerks. Because of this, Care-a-Lot starts to crumble.
Funshine Bear: (in panicked tone) The caring meter dropped two whole points!
(All the Care Bears gasp as the meter continues to drop)
NC: We're reaching Jersey levels! JERSEY LEVELS!!
NC (VO): So Kim and Jason decide to join the Care Bears in their mission to stop the Spirit.
Tender Heart: (pulls out a key) Hold onto this for me, Jason. Don't lose it. It's very important.
NC: Then why don't you hold onto it?
NC (VO): Well, anyway, they try teleporting them to Earth, but the earthquake destroys the teleporter in the process.
Grumpy Bear: They never made it to Earth!
Tender Heart: What do you mean? Where are they?
Grumpy Bear: They're lost! Somewhere between here and Earth!
NC (VO): Yeah, um, what exactly is the cosmology for Care-a-Lot, anyway? I thought it was in the clouds. Now it's in a different dimension? I mean, where are they expected to end up?
Grumpy Bear: They're lost! Somewhere between here and Earth!
(Cuts to scene of the two children and a Care Bear dead and floating in space)
NC (VO): So they decide to take a river down to Earth...that's right, there's a river in the clouds now...in the hopes that this will...somehow cross dimensions. I don't know, here's how they explain it...
Mr. Cherrywood: No one in Care-a-Lot had ever followed the river. They had no idea whether it would lead them to Kim, Jason, and the missing Care Bears...(scene fades out) or to nowhere at all.
NC (VO): (as child) Mr. Cherrywood, there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? They just never question why it was there? And for that matter, if they never followed it, why would they have a giant sailboat on standby? (As Mr. Cherrywood) Quiet or I will smack you with my ring hand!
NC (VO): So, Jason, Kim, and the other two Care Bears are trapped in between worlds, which I guess is filled with lost cereal mascots.
Brave Heart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows of Playful Heart Monkey and Brave Heart. (gestures to self)
(Scene from Braveheart plays)
NC: I know, I know, but how can I not put that in?
NC (VO): So, even though they're lost in the Forest of Feelings, the people of Earth are deteriorating and Care-a-Lot is falling apart, that doesn't stop our heroes from having a song number.
Jason: (Singing) Do you have a house made all out of wood, for keeping you dry when it's raining?
NC (vo): Wow, that's pretty bad, kid. I mean, not William Hung bad (Cuts to a clip of William Hung in American Idol), but...but bad.
Playful Heart Monkey: Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose!
Kim: Stop! Stay perfectly still... (Raises flower to nose, bee follows flower, then she tosses flower away)
NC (VO): Um, that was totally necessary. What was the movie like 20 seconds too short so you had to add a bee scene? The song's pointless enough already, you doesn't need any more padding! Meanwhile, Nicholas and the Spirit continue to turn all the people of the world into rotten a-holes.
The Spirit: These two small children still care...
Nicholas: But they were to fall under my spell!
The Spirit: Ah, but those...those soft little bears shield them from your spells with their...love and caring.
NC (VO): (Chuckles) What is up with this woman's voice? Is someone just eating her out while she's saying her lines?!
NC: (As the Spirit) Those cute, cuddly little bears... Ahh! Oh, oh, they care so much... Mmm, oh, I love a happy ending...
The Spirit: You must finish it. Say it...
Nicholas: Zip...zap...zonk! (an evil purple smoke creature comes out of the pot) Aaaaaah!
NC (VO): Oh, great. You unleashed Hell. The apocalypse has finally begun and Satan is going to rule the Earth. Good job.
The Spirit: Now, go!
NC (VO): So that purple fart goes to find the others, as the Care Bears' ship comes across more friends that they can make good toys out of.
Cozy Heart Penguin: I'm Cozy Heart Penguin. Helping someone in need is what warms my heart and keeps me cozy!
NC (VO): (as Fake Advertisement announcer) (Text: Cozy Heart Penguin. Only $9.99. Don't stop bothering your parents until you have one. Steal from them if you must, Santa says it's okay.) Only $9.99! Pester, scream and yell at your parents until they finally break down and buy you one! It's more important than breathing.
NC (vo): They also come across a pink elephant. And, guessing the amount of booze you've probably had throughout this picture, I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well. But things aren't so hot with Kim and Jason, as the purple smoke possesses the only tree that happens to have an evil face on it.
(Jason and Kim scream as they are snatched up by the tree)
Brave Heart: Charge!
NC: (As William Wallace from Braveheart) They may take our lives, but they'll never take, OUR MARKETABILITY!
(Brave Heart charges then gets hit by tree and falls)
NC: Wow. Fail.
[The scene gets stamped with red lettered "Fail"]
NC (vo): But luckily, Speedy Gon-Hoppis comes along to save the day.
[Speedy Gonzales' noises sound as the Rabbit is seen going in and out of the tree at top speed]
NC (vo): So their new bunny friend joins them on their adventure. But unfortunately, the purple smoke takes on another form.
Kim: Brave Heart!
(Brave Heart raises his paws in fistacuffs manner as the purple cloud rushes at him as a crow and rushes past him. Brave Heart tries to punch the purple cloud but misses and twirls around in a circle in cartoon fashion)
NC: (sighs in annoyance) You know, you're really bad at that! Just because you're brave, doesn't mean you're capable.
[The "Fail" stamp appears again over the scene]
Friend Bear: Our only hope is a Care Bear stare, I just hope it works. There's only two of us. Care Bears, stare!
(Secret Bear and Friend Bear puff out their chests and hearts, stars, and light shine out that hits the evil crow. Cut to a scene from Ghostbusters)
Ray Stanz: Start bringing them down, start bringing them down. You got them. Don't cross the streams.
Friend Bear: The two of us aren't enough.
(More shining from Care Bear Stare appears as the sailboat appears from behind a rock)
NC (vo; in multiple Care Bear voices): Taste the rainbow, motherfucker!
(The evil crow is destroyed)
NC (vo): Pfft, well, fuck caring. The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence. So, they gather all the other animals of the forest...because there weren't enough fucking toys to sell...as they find their way out of the forest and back to Earth. How lucky. There ever just so happens to pass space and time.
Tender Heart: Do you still have the key that I gave you?
Jason: Sure do.
Tender Heart: If we lose that key, Jason, we can never win.
NC: That's why I'm entrusting it to a small boy I barely know. How does this make sense again?
NC (vo): So Nicholas casts a spell to turn Kim and Jason into heartless jerks. But he needs them to be close in order for the spell to work.
(Care Bears appear on a roller coaster ride as Tender Heart rushes down to Nicholas)
Tender Heart: Nicholas! Nichol-
Nicholas: (holds up cape to face) You're too late. Too late.
NC: (Raises arm up like a cape and uses fake Romanian accent) I have officially become a vampire. Not one of those sparkly ones, though. They totally suck ass.
NC (vo): The Care Bears try to stop him, but the evil of the book is just way too strong.
(The scene reveals the book knocking all the Care Bears back into the seat of the roller coaster)
Birthday Bear: The Spirit's power is too strong.
Love-a-Lot Bear: Look!
(The door ahead of them shines with a bright light and Nicholas appears)
Cozy Heart Penguin: Nicholas?
(Nicholas comes towards them looking possessed and floating as he holds the book)
NC (vo): (laughs) Oh, Jesus.
Nicholas: (in low and creepy tone) Where are they?
NC: This kid could totally give the Emperor from Star Wars a run for his money.
Emperor (Dubbed over Nicholas): Now, young Skywalker...you will die.
NC (vo): The Care Bears try to...um...stare him down, as the other animals try to help.
Brave Heart: Everybody, call!
(The Care Bear Cousins sound off in various animal roars and noises)
NC: Okay, guys, that's really not helping. I mean, maybe you could get...I don't know, a gun or some kind of blunt instrument or, uh...yeah, you're totally useless.
[The "Fail" stamp is placed over the Care Bear Cousins]
(Nicholas grins cynically as the book's pages turn. Both Kim and Jason run towards Nicholas)
Tender Heart: Kim! Jason! NO!
The Spirit: It's them!
(Nicholas' eyes spiral in black and white)
NC (vo): (Laughs) Good lord! What is up with this kid's face? He's turning into Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit!
Judge Doom (Dubbed over Nicholas): When I killed your brother, I talked...JUST...LIKE...THIIIIS!
(NC looks horrified. A sound of a brick dropping is heard as he points to his pants)
NC: That was a brick. That was literally a brick.
Jason: (To Nicholas) We care about you. We used to be like you. We thought nobody cared.
Kim: But we were wrong. Now we want to be your friends, Nicholas.
NC (vo): Okay, you know the drill. The kids start saying that they care about Nicholas, which gives him the will to care, and thus, he stops using the book.
(Nicholas closes the book and holds it to the ground)
Tender Heart: Jason, the key.
(Just as Jason brings out the key, the Spirit uses its power to vaporize the key)
Nelson: Ha-ha!
Tender Heart: Hold on, Nicholas!
(Secret Bear comes rushing over and makes a new key for Jason)
NC (vo): HEY! What the hell?! So that key they kept building up this whole time as the big secret weapon could be duplicated whenever they want?! What, did they just want to make that little boy feel important?
[Scene of Care Bears cheering as the book is locked with the key and then the scene shifts to a celebration at Care-a-Lot]
NC (vo): So, Care-a-Lot is saved, the two kids get adopted and Nicholas finally perfects his magic act. The Care Bears also welcome their new animal friends to be Care Bear...Lions...whatever, as they celebrate by dancing like they have a dump in their pants.
(Cuts to a verse in the ending song)
NC (vo): And it turns out all the children in the orphanage fell asleep, no doubt bored senseless of Mr. Cherrywood's story.
Mr. Cherrywood: Now they'll never know what eventually became of Nicholas. I guess all they need to know is that he did live happily ever after, happier than I ever thought I could be.
(Tender Heart peers in the window and chuckles)
NC (vo): (As a child) Good story. But he missed the part about the sodomy, and the ties to the JFK assassination. But I guess that stuff wasn't very important.
[The End title screen appears with all the Care Bears waving]
NC: So, that's the Care Bears Movie. How does it hold up?
NC (vo): Well, yeah, it's stupid, but to be fair, it's for little kids. It's kind of hard to beat up on something intended for really young children. It's not good, but there's not really anything bad in it for kids. It's relatively harmless. So, if you're ages one to...I don't know, one, you'll probably enjoy it okay.
NC: But there's still one thing that really bothers me. Why was the book so evil? I mean, what was her motivation all this time? It doesn't make any sense-
The Spirit (voiced by NC): Critic! Open the book, Critic.
(NC grabs a book offscreen and opens it)
The Spirit: You wanted to know what my motivation was?
NC: Yeah, yeah, I do.
The Spirit: It was to make the people of the world stop caring.
NC: I knew that. But why did you want that to begin with?
The Spirit: I don't know. I don't care.
NC: Oh, I see. Because you don't care, nobody else cares. It keeps going around in circles.
The Spirit: Yeah, it's kinda like that...
NC: Piss off.
The Spirit: Wait, wait. No! I could give you a happy ending.
(NC slams book closed and slams on the desk)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He walks away)
The Spirit: A-hole.
The End
Channel Awesome Logo
Tagline: Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose!