The Bottle and the Throttle

The Bottle and the Throttle
Released	January 20, 2013
Running time	10:24
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/linkara-riffs-the-bottle-and-the-throttle/
Tagline	Linkara riffs on a depressing little short about drinking and driving.
Previous	Holiday from Rules?
Next	Let's Be Good Citizens at School

NOTE: All dialogue (in the film and in Linkara's riffs) is voiceovered.

(Fade in on the production logo: "Sid Davis Productions Presents" as music from the film plays)

Linkara: Sid Davis Productions, because we couldn't think of a better name.

(Dissolve to the title: THE BOTTLE AND THE THROTTLE)

Linkara: The Bottle and the Throttle, the gripping love story of our time.

(Dissolve to this caption: "Produced with the cooperation of the Culver City Police Department and the Culver City Unified School District.")

Linkara: But not in cooperation with Culver's restaurants. They want you to drink and drive. (the caption remains on the screen for an extended period of time) Yes, I think we're sober enough to read that! Could you move on– (the text begins to dissolve) Oh.

(The text has fully dissolved to the first scene of the film: a man in a plaid flannel shirt is sitting on a curb, feeling quite upset)

Narrator (who sounds Lt. Williams from Boys Beware!): It can't happen to me. That's what you said, wasn't it, Bill? But it can and just did, and you're not quite sure why.

Linkara: Flannel shirts happen to everyone, Bill.

(The camera pulls around to show why Bill is upset: he had caused a car accident, involving two pedestrians, who are lying on the ground as policemen and several onlookers run over to attend to them. A child's tricycle lies on its side)

Narrator: Let's see if we can find out. Not too many minutes ago, that young woman and her child were happy and healthy. Now their young bodies are crushed and wracked with pain.

Linkara: (as narrator) Kind of cool, isn't it?

(Meanwhile, an ambulance pulls up and a policeman opens the back door)

Narrator: Maybe they'll live and maybe they'll die, but one thing's sure: in the next few minutes, hours, or maybe days, their lives will hang in the balance, and you'll have to live out those minutes, hours, and days knowing you were responsible.

Linkara: (as Rod Serling) Submitted for your approval.

(A policeman takes Bill by his shoulder and walks him over to the victims as they are being put in gurneys to be wheeled into the ambulance)

Narrator: The police will measure out the skid marks, determine where you applied the brakes, give you a sobriety test, and it will all go into a report that will be reviewed in court. Maybe you'll be found guilty...

Linkara: (as Bill) I don't really care, I'm kinda drunk right now.

(Bill stares down at the mother and she stares back as she is being strapped to her gurney and wheeled into the ambulance)

Narrator: ...maybe you won't, but you will never outlive the memory of waiting – waiting to find out if the mother and daughter will live or die. Then the police are at you with questions: "Where had you been?", "Have you been drinking?", "Would you submit to a sobriety test?"

Linkara: The answer to all three was: "Shut up! I don't have to answer your questions, fuzz!"

Narrator: Sure, why not? After all, you'd only had a few beers. You're not drunk. Of course you're not drunk. Not in the common sense of the word. But your driving ability was measurably impaired. How could it be? You feel fine.

Linkara: (as narrator) You couldn't have had more than twenty or so beers.

(The policeman escorts Bill to a police car and opens the door. A young girl is seated in the back)

Narrator: But what you didn't know was that it only takes a few beers to take the keen edge off your driving performance and slow your reaction time. You see, alcohol is not a stimulant, it's a sedative, a depressant.

Linkara: (as narrator) As you may have noticed, I've taken a few sedatives myself.

Narrator: Oh, sure, the first few drinks make you feel more alive and responsive, but actually, as the alcohol enters the bloodstream, it slows down normal operation of the heart and nerve centers and depresses the inhibitory mechanism of the brain.

(The policeman takes out a breathalyzer balloon and walks over to Bill with it)

Linkara: Ah, the new paint can sobriety test.

Narrator: It removes inhibitions and social restraint. This is what gives us the feeling of stimulation. You have more assurance, but less self control.

(Bill starts blowing the balloon, but has some difficulty doing so)

Linkara: (as narrator) See? Bill here can't even make a proper balloon animal while he's drunk.

Narrator: And this is when the danger begins. You get a superman complex behind the wheel at the very time when your driving skill and mental outlook have been seriously damaged.

Linkara: (as narrator) I learned from narrator school to enunciate every single syllable.

(Cut to a shot of a bottle of pure ethyl alcohol)

Narrator: When ethyl alcohol, which is the foundation of all liquor...

(Cut to a shot of a doctor examining the chart of a human body's circulatory system)

Narrator: ...enters the circulatory system through the stomach, it's oxidized by the liver and turned into heat energy in the form of calories.

(A measuring glass half-full of alcohol is displayed)

Linkara: (as narrator) Next time, get yourself a diet beer.

Narrator: Unfortunately, the liver can only process about 3/8 of an ounce of alcohol per hour.

(Cut to a shot of both a bottle of Budweiser beer and a shot glass full of whiskey)

Narrator: That's about the amount and 3/4 of a shot glass of whiskey...

Linkara: Ah, Budweiser paid handsomely for that product placement.

Narrator: ...or a short beer.

(Cut back to the doctor and the circulatory system chart, along with a second chart showing the human anatomy, which he points out with a ruler)

Narrator: When more alcohol is taken, the liver is unable to process it, and it passes into the bloodstream (doctor examines anatomical chart with ruler) and it carries to all parts of the body. As the percentage of alcohol begins to build up in the bloodstream, the first part of your nervous system to be affected is your judgment center...

Linkara: (as narrator) Your judgment center, apparently located all over your body, considering this doctor is waving his ruler around everywhere.

Narrator: ...located in the frontal lobe of your brain. This is the area of the brain that determines right from wrong.

(Cut to Bill driving down the highway in his car; he's going at a pretty fast clip, since he rapidly comes up on another car that's going considerably slower)

Narrator: The alcohol works as an anesthetic, and we adopt an "I don't care" or "Sure I can make it" attitude.

Linkara: (in one voice) Hey, can you cover my shift? (in another voice) I don't care. Sure, I can make it.

Narrator: We contemplate stupid things like passing on a curve or a hill.

(Bill starts tailgating this car as he impatiently waits for an opening to pass the slower car.)

Narrator: We become easily exasperated by the driver we feel isn't going fast enough, and we take chances we wouldn't ordinarily take to pass him.

Linkara: (as narrator) Like activating your car's rocket jets and revealing your secret alien technology.

Narrator: True enough, we're not drunk, at least not legally drunk.

(Bill finally sees his chance when the yellow line on his side becomes broken, allowing him to pass. As this happens, however, he has to swerve back into his own lane to avoid getting hit by an oncoming car. In the process, he forces the other car onto the shoulder. Bill runs his hand over his face in frustration.)

Narrator: By that, we mean our blood alcohol content is still the .15% considered by law to be legally intoxicated. But those few beers we had can reduce our driving ability as much as 25 to 40%.

(Later, Bill and another person is stopped at a red stop light)

Narrator: A report by the American Medical Association clearly showed that two shots of one-hundred-proof whiskey or two twelve-ounce bottles of beer can inject a dangerous amount of alcohol into our system if we're driving.

(The light turns green, but Bill doesn't go right away and is chastised by the driver behind him for it)

Linkara: (as narrator) If you're not driving, then there's no danger whatsoever of reaching those percentages.

Narrator: And the worst part is that we probably aren't aware of it.

(Bill exasperatedly indicates what's going on and drives off, the second car following)

Narrator: Even an hour after having a couple of beers, our reaction time to light signals can be reduced as much as six percent.

(That night, Bill is still driving; he squints at the blinding lights of another car as it drives by in the opposing lane)

Narrator: In another test, it was shown that after a three-ounce drink, it took as much as twelve seconds for a person to regain his normal sight after being blinded by the lights of an oncoming car.

Linkara: (as narrator) In the meantime, you have superhuman sight, like the 3D glasses in They Live.

Narrator: At sixteen miles an hour, that would be over a thousand feet, or a fifth of a mile of blind driving.

(Day returns as Bill drives some more; his sight is briefly blurred)

Narrator: Alcohol sometimes causes visual distortion, too. Things become blurred and indistinct.

Linkara: (as narrator) You see, Bill here has a sickness, a sickness called homosexuality. (voice becomes annoyed) Oh, geez, the narrator's going off about him again! Did you take away his whiskey? (as narrator again) If you want to hear more about the homosexual, see my other short I narrate called Boys Beware!

Narrator: Another problem, which often goes unnoticed by the driver, but is no less dangerous, is tunnel vision. Tunnel vision is a phenomenon where your field of vision becomes increasingly narrow. That is, your periphery, or side vision, is decreased. This makes you vulnerable to cross-traffic, and is often the cause of sideswipe or intersection accidents.

Linkara: (as narrator) If you need to concentrate on something, just think of the soothing sound of my voice.

Narrator: The National Safety Council says that two normal cocktails or four beers can reduce visual acuity as much as wearing dark glasses at night. (the scene darkens to emphasize) Now, only a fool would drive at night wearing dark glasses...

Linkara: (as narrator) That's right, Corey Hart. I think you're a fool.

Narrator: ...but nobody thinks much about driving after four beers. The effect of alcohol on vision is particularly serious, because ninety percent of the driving decisions we make are based on how well we see.

Linkara: (as narrator) The other ten percent is based on how badly we need to use the bathroom.

Narrator: So, if you must drive, don't drink. If you do drink and must drive, wait. Let the effects of the alcohol wear off.

(The Budweiser bottle and the shot of whiskey are shown again, along with a clock)

Narrator: A good rule of thumb: wait one hour for each bottle of beer or– (the film garbles and is spliced to a few seconds later; it's old) more you take, the longer you should wait until it is safe to drive.

Linkara: (as narrator, referring to film break) I'm sorry, it seems that a hiccup in the space-time continuum interrupted my advice. Probably wasn't important anyway.

(The scene of an accident is shown, with one car having been knocked over on its side by another car; a tow truck is hauling the second car away)

Narrator: Because the danger of having an accident increases with the amount of alcohol in your system. For instance, under identical driving conditions, a person with .05% alcohol in his blood...

(The message ".05% = Hazard 2" is displayed)

Linkara: Hazard 2: The Quickening.

Narrator: ...that's about two drinks, or a few beers... is twice as likely to have an accident as a person with no alcohol in his blood.

(The message ".10% = Hazard 3" is displayed)

Narrator: With .10%, three to six drinks, or a couple of quarts of beer, the chances are three times as great.

(The message ".15% = Hazard 10" is displayed)

Linkara: (as narrator, regarding the aforementioned message) And now, we go into the Tony Stark scale of drunkenness.

Narrator: And when the blood alcohol has reached .15%, which is the legal limit, the chances are ten times as great.

(Cut to a bar, where the bartender is pouring Bill a drink)

Linkara: Bart Simpson's gonna crank-call this place any second now.

(Bill, smoking a cigarette, takes the drink and starts drinking it; an ashtray is placed nearby with a single stubbed-out cigarette in it)

Narrator: A common misapprehension of the drinking driver is that when he first drinks, that is, during the absorption period, as it's sometimes referred to...

Linkara: (as the bartender refills Bill's glass) Oh, yeah, this guy's got a lot of absorption periods, I can tell.

Narrator: ...the individual readily feels the effects of the alcohol.

(Later, the ashtray is filled with discarded cigarettes, while Bill takes his last drink)

Narrator: But during the wearing-off period, he becomes less aware of these effects and deludes himself into thinking he is sober.

Linkara: (as narrator) The fact that he's been eating those cigarettes for the last hour probably should've been a sign that he wasn't.

(Bill notices the time. He puts some money on the counter for the bartender to take and then leaves)

Narrator: But he is falsely comparing his maximum feeling of intoxication with his beginning feeling of sobriety. He may be far from sober and is only making a dangerous comparison.

(Outside, Bill walks up to his car)

Narrator: We're all aware that alcohol and gasoline don't mix.

Linkara: (as narrator) But it does make for one hell of a cocktail.

Narrator: But many of us think it can't happen to us. (Bill starts the motor) But it can and does in ever-increasing numbers each year, (Bill pulls the car out of the lot and drives off) and it isn't until we have an accident that we seriously ask ourselves why we had that extra drink.

Linkara: (as narrator) Yes, Bill's gonna have an accident in his pants any second now.

(Bill approaches a cross intersection, but fails to stop in time for an oncoming car; he braces himself in horror as the car is about to hit him, not stopping time in spite of screeching tires; at the point of impact, cut then to Bill drinking beer in a park with friends)

Narrator: We all find excuses for drinking.

Linkara: I do it because I'm dead inside.

Narrator: Bill's weren't so different from the rest: a need to belong, a desire to go along with a group, try something new. It may start innocently enough, a few beers with the gang.

(Bill and his friends are so drunk, apparently, that when they toss the empty cans, it misses the nearby trashcan and lands on the ground)

Narrator: It is a social custom of our time. But today...

Linkara: (noticing the triangular punctured holes in the top of one can) Hey, that's not beer they're drinking, that's tomato soup!

Narrator: ...that social custom is invading our society at a younger age than ever before. A few drinks that the social drinker may take don't seem to present a serious danger.

(Bill and a girl he is drinking with get up and leave, staggering as they do)

Linkara: (as narrator) It does pose a serious litter hazard, though, which will be the subject of my next film.

Narrator: But the trouble with drinking and driving is that it is always too late, when the emergency arises and our reactions are too slow to avoid disaster.

(Later, Bill and the girl are now driving down the road together)

Narrator: It is readily agreed by authorities and tests that driving skills are, to a degree, a matter of habit...

Linkara: (as narrator) Trust me, they totally agreed on that. They didn't just pound brewskies all night or anything.

Narrator: ...built up over long periods of practice.

(Bill's car approaches a slower-moving car)

Narrator: It has also been proven that the latest driving skills mastered are the first to go when under the influence of liquor.

(Bill's car turns into the opposing lane, which is curvy, and picks up speed, passing by the other car, and then moves back into the correct lane once past)

Narrator: Therefore, the older, more experienced driver is less likely to have his skills seriously impaired than the younger, less experienced driver.

(Now Bill is driving his car speedily through a city park where the accident at the start of the film happened)

Narrator: One must be able to judge speed and distance, follow traffic patterns, make necessary adjustments, and be able to react quickly to emergencies. After a few drinks, the good driver is no longer capable of doing that.

(From Bill's perspective, the car is fast approaching a crosswalk, where the mother and her daughter from earlier are crossing the street)

Narrator: He has become a poor driver and is a danger to himself and others.

(Bill was chatting with his girl a moment ago as this happens, but then he spots the pedestrians and slams hard on the brakes to stop)

Linkara: (as Coily from A Case of Spring Fever) NO SPRINGS!! (whistles)

(The tires screech, and the mother stops and watches in horror as the car hits her! Cut back to Bill's sobriety test from the police's breathalyzer balloon)

Narrator: This happened to you, didn't it, Bill? Sure, you passed your sobriety test. It showed you had only .08% blood alcohol, about half the legal limit. (a policeman is measuring the skid marks of the car) They can't convict you on drunk driving, can they?

Linkara: (as narrator) They can convict you on your haircut, though.

Narrator: But you'll always have to face the fact that those beach party beers were a contributing factor in your accident. If you hadn't had them, you might have hit the brake pedal a second or two earlier. (the girl who was with Bill is now in the back seat of the police car) Those skid marks on the asphalt would have stopped on the right side, not the wrong side, of that young woman and her daughter.

Linkara: (as narrator) The liberal side.

Narrator: The report just came through: the little girl died on the way to the hospital, and the mother will probably never walk again. (in the distance, Bill's car is being towed away) No matter how your trial comes out, you'll always have to live with those facts, won't you, Bill?

Linkara: (as narrator) Better have yourself a beer to make yourself feel better, Bill.

(The policeman escorts Bill to the back seat of the police car where the girl is seated)

Narrator: A child death, a mother crippled – not a pleasant future at the age of eighteen.

(Bill gets in the police car and the policeman closes the door, then gets in the driver's seat; the police car then drives off, followed closely by a second policeman on a motorcycle)

Linkara: (as Dragnet narrator) Bill was tried in superior court, County of Los Angeles, on two counts of third-degree flannel shirt. In a moment, the results of that trial.

(Dissolve to the ending production logo: "The End - A Sid Davis Production")

Linkara: THE END! The D is for "drunk", you know.

(Music and captions fade, ending the film)