The Bill & Ted Movies

TheBill&TedMoviesNC.jpg

Release Date
August 26, 2020
Running Time
37:38
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, I don't know about you, but I am mad excited for the third Bill & Ted movie, Bill & Ted: Face The Music!

(Scenes for the upcoming Bill & Ted sequel are shown)

NC (vo): With almost 30 years since the last movie was made, there's nothing cooler than seeing the original cast come back and reprise their roles in a completely unnecessary sequel to an already completely unnecessary sequel.

NC: So, in honor of this film being released, (holds up index finger) we're gonna look at the original–

(Suddenly, he is interrupted by the sound of zapping, as a telephone booth teleports into the room)

NC: What the hell?

(A man (played by Malcolm) wearing an orange shirt, a black jacket and sunglasses walks into the room. Rock music plays)

Man: Hello, Critic.

NC: My God! Are you some sort of zany person based on the concept that ties into this review?

Man: No, it's me, Malcolm.

NC: Oh.

Malcolm: (removes glasses, speaks dramatically) FROM THE FUTURE!

NC: (wide-eyed) Whaaaaaa?!

Malcolm: (wearing glasses again) I've come to warn you that Bill & Ted: Face the Music is terrible.

NC: (concerned) Oh, no, it is?

Malcolm: Yes, it sucks ass!

NC: Like, how much ass?

Malcolm: A lot of ass!

NC: Whoa, that's more than I was expecting.

Malcolm: It's one of the worst sequels ever made. (takes off glasses again) Not even worth looking at.

NC: Oh, man, that's such a shame. The other films were so unique.

(Footage of the first two Bill & Ted movies are shown)

NC (vo): Written by Ed Solomon and Chris Matheson, two writers (Shots of posters for two other movies Solomon and Matheson had also worked on pop up: Men in Black, A Goofy Movie) who have found success in their own right... (The poster for Super Mario Bros pops up) for the most part, the Bill & Ted movies take what should be standard teen comedies and turns them into something truly bizarre, original, and sure, kinda dumb. Yeah, these aren't exactly high works of art, but it's hard to find another series of movies quite like them. I know that sounds odd as they just look like forgettable products of their time, but the story of each one strangely stands out when you ask, "why the hell were so many of these choices made?" They turn what should be embarrassing projects for big names like Keanu Reeves and George Carlin into cult favorites that're still being celebrated years later, warts and all.

Malcolm: Yes, but the third one sucks, so there's no point in looking them over.

NC: Well, no if anything, it makes even more sense to watch him again.

Malcolm: (confused) What?

NC (vo): Well yeah, there's a lot you can learn from both the good and the bad so we'll look over what worked in these films, what didn't, and maybe how they'll tie into the third one.

Malcolm: (disappointed) Well, I guess that makes sense...

NC: What, did you not want me to review them?

Malcolm: No, no! You do you. I'm just Malcolm from the future. What do I know?

NC: Well, I'd imagine a lot. You're from the future.

Malcolm: Yes, right! So I am.

NC: In fact, with everything going on, that's what you come back in time for?

Malcolm: Look, I gotta go cause I'm running late for some... future stuff.

NC: (confused) How can you be late with a time machine?

Malcolm: That is a question. (Silence follows) Bye.

(Malcolm leaves with the phonebooth disappearing offscreen)

NC: Well, with that completely not suspicious lead in, let's take a look at the Bill & Ted movies.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure[edit | edit source]

NC (vo): The first film, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure premiering in 1989, was directed by Stephen Herrick, (posters of films Stephen Herrick directed pop up: Critters, The Mighty Ducks, Holy Man, Rock Star, 101 Dalmatians, Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, The Three Musketeers, and Mr. Holland's Opus) director of maybe the most random movies to have almost no connection in style or tone. But you could argue that's a good thing. (cut to Bill and Ted rocking out as fake opening credits that read "Alex Winter" and "Keanu Reeves" pop up) As a film like this, you would imagine opening with our leads acting stupid and the credits being tucked in the corner as they make jokes. (cut to the real opening credits of the film) But no. This is pretty stylized and honestly, kinda cool. With the Lawnmower Man's schlong penetrating (showing a picture of Jambi from Pee-Wee's Playhouse) Jambi's box while a fun but strange song by a band called (thumbnail of a Big Pig song pops up) Big Pig plays.

Big Pig: ♪ Do-ki-do, ah-mah-neh-la. ♪

NC: How can anyone at least not muster a (very confused) "Go on..."

NC (vo): We're introduced to Rufus, played by George Carlin, who is taking this role far more seriously than he needs to.

Rufus: Hi. Welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688.

NC (vo): (as Rufus) There is literally nothing left.

NC: Are you really surprised?

NC (vo): He explains the future has reached perfection because it's based on the music of two valley boys, Bill and Ted.

(cut to the title characters rocking out rather poorly)

Rufus: If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path, the basis of our society will be in danger. Don't worry, it'll all make sense.

NC: That was a lie.

(Crowd is heard rioting)

NC (vo): We see Bill and Ted, played by Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves, are about to fail history if they don't ace their final report. You can see why.

Mr. Ryan (played by Bernie Casey): What have you learned?

Ted: Great leaders such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc and Socratic Method. The world is full of history.

NC: It's funny how you have to be bizarrely smart to write entertainingly dumb sometimes.

NC (vo): Ted is told if he fails, he has to go to military school. So the leaders in the future, (credits from iMDB are shown) literally credited as "The Three Most Important People in the World", send Rufus back to help them.

The Three Most Important People in the World: Party on, dude.

NC: I don't know about you,

NC (vo): but I think Blade 4 is looking great.

(The schlong from the credits converts itself into a time-traveling phonebooth)

NC (vo): Yeah, few people know this was actually the late 80s, early 90s, American adaptation of Doctor Who.

(Posters of 10 Things I Hate About You, Steel, Double Dragon, and Street Fighter pop up)

NC: Look at the other adaptations of that time and tell me I'm wrong!

NC (vo): They're picked up by Bill's mom who by far is the subject of the best jokes in this movie.

Ted: Your stepmom's a cutie.

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

(cut to a later scene)

Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

(cut back to previous scene)

Ted: You know when she was a senior we were freshmen?

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

NC: (as Ted) Hey, remember when you got your mom pregnant?

NC: (offscreen, as Bill) Shut up, Ted!

NC (vo): …Who's nice enough to make him burn sandwiches while they study.

Ian Preston (played by J. Patrick McNamara): Why don't you guys take a dinner break.

(Bill and Ted leave the room and Ted's dad closes the door on them to be alone with his wife)

NC: Or I take it back. This might be the 90s adaptation of Chinatown.

Ted: It's your mom, dude!

NC (vo): Rufus arrives and in a very clever bit of writing, the Bill and Ted that just went on the excellent adventure travel back and tell them what a great time they're about to have.

Future Bill: Dudes, you guys are gonna go back in time.

Future Ted: Yeah! You are going to have a most excellent adventure through history!

NC: (as Ted) You're also in something called (screenshot from the Matrix is shown) the Hendrix?

NC: (offscreen as Bill) Dude, it was the Makeshift.

NC (vo): (as Ted) Oh yeah!

Bill: We told ourselves to listen to this guy.

Ted: What if we were lying?

Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

NC (vo): (as Ted) Dude, we're not trying to pass philosophy. We're trying to pass history.

(The trio starts going back in time in the phonebooth to the battle at Waterloo)

NC (vo): Rufus takes them back to when stock footage roamed the earth and they accidentally grabbed Napoleon and bring him with.

(in Ted's room with his younger brother Deacon, played by Frazier Bain)

Ted: Deacon, you have to watch this guy. His name is Napoleon.

NC (vo): Okay, so I know there's always a paradox that doesn't add up in time travel movies and for the most part, this works very cleverly with them. But there's one element that straight up makes no sense.

Rufus: No matter what you do, no matter where you go, that clock, the clock in San Dimas, is always running.

NC: (confused) Why??

NC (vo): Time is time. Why does one clock suddenly matter more than the other? I mean story-wise, I get it. It keeps things moving. But how the hell is there one continuing timeline when the idea is you can travel to any point in time?

(clip from Avengers: Endgame plays)

Bruce Banner: If you travel to the past that past…

NC: Oh, Christ! I'll buy it! Just don't show me the explanation from Endgame again.

(Rufus begins to take his leave)

NC (vo): Let's take a moment to appreciate how amazingly convincing (zooms in on Rufus) that Rufus stand-in is. He does come from the Scorsese action-figure behind glass collection.

Bill: Let's reach out and touch someone.

(Bill and Ted appear in the old west)

NC (vo): They travel to the old west where they come across Billy the Kid.

Billy the Kid (played by Dan Shor): Here's the deal. What I win, I keep.

NC (vo): This is the only actor I feel is taking this role with the amount of respect most people would give it. That is to say, not a ton.

Billy the Kid: I'd like you all to put your hands together.

NC (vo): Now don't get me wrong. He's not bad. He's just playing it like "Oh, okay. two time-traveling teens and I'm Billy the Kid? Okay. (sarcastically) Sure, varmint."

Cowboy: Are you cheatin' us, kid?

Billy the Kid: Cheatin'? Me? (screams as he flips the table)

NC (vo): He gives the performance you, I, or most people would give in this setup.

(a fight breaks out in the saloon)

(audio from The Great Race is heard)

Texas Jack: Now will you give me some fightin' room?!

NC (vo): Whereas later, after they escaped the barroom brawl... (as either Bill or Ted) Dude, somebody totally took a shit in here. ...You'll find everyone else almost fascinatingly goes above and beyond with their portrayals. Socrates or "So-Crates" as they call him is 100% in every moment. I am totally convinced this dude believes he's Socrates.

Socrates (played by (Tony Steedman): (in Greek) Yes! Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. (laughing)

Bill: Let's get outta here, dude.

NC: I never got why (shows picture of Terence Stamp) Terence Stamp left his office resume. He should be proud of it.

NC (vo): Even when they travel to the 15th century and everyone's dressed like Robin Hood: Men in Tights, the majority of actors take their roles pretty seriously. Well, most of them. This guy could have used better direction.

(guard awkwardly runs into the room)

NC: Okay, so enter like a frog wearing a diaper filled with diarrhea and you can't let any of it spill.

(clip replays)

NC: Genius!

NC (vo): Actually, this is the only scene that kind of drags a bit. They talk with two princesses, they dress up as knights, they get captured, nearly executed, and all after an earlier death fake out with ted.

Bill: Ah, Ted... Don't be dead, dude…

NC: I wonder how you came back (clip from earlier in the film) to tell us to go on this adventure in the first place. (gasps) Ted, you're Jesus!

(clip from The Matrix plays)

Neo: Whoa.

Bill: Ted! You're alive!

Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor!

NC (vo): (as Ted) Then I put the suit back together at the bottom of the stairs for no particular reason, then I found a hiding place all in the span of seven seconds!

NC: (as Bill) But how?

NC: (as Ted) Time travel!

NC: (as Bill) Oh yeah!

NC: (as both) (do air guitar)

NC (vo): This joke will never age.

Bill and Ted: Fa-

(Text pops up)

Robotic Voice: Dated slang for homosexual that will result in this video getting demonetized if we played it.

(guitar riff)

NC (vo): Billy and Socrates help them escape and they scramble to find a timeline to flee to.

Ted: Dial fast, dude! Bill...

NC (vo): (as Ted) My face is becoming a meme!

(the gang ends up in the future where Rufus came from)

NC (vo): Wow, check out the 80s clothes, music, and décor. This must be the future! Shit, what am I talking about? It practically is.

One of the Three Most Important People in the World (played by Clarence Clemons): It's you.

Ted: Who're we?

NC (vo): And this is where you realize a lot of the comedy for this movie comes from how seriously it takes certain scenes. People come out and do air guitar to slow peaceful music almost as if the film believes a utopian world based on these two is a legit beautiful idea. I don't think that's what the writers seriously think, but it is funny to imagine a world where this is possible and taken totally seriously. It'd be so easy to have everyone act like an airhead like in (poster for Idiocracy is shown) Idiocracy or something. And while that idea works there, this has kind of a gentle nature to it. It's funny because of how grandly innocent it is. It's also humorous how many of these extras have a look like, "This is the stupidest shit I've ever been in. This is going to bomb hard, and thank god, 'cause no one will see me in it."

Ted: We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.

NC (vo): Back in the present, Napoleon has been dropped off with Ted's brother who has no idea what to do with him, so they just take him to random places.

Ziggy Piggy Employee: Lo and behold! He ate the pig!

Ziggy Piggy Employees: Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy. (snorting)

NC: And yet, Chuck E Cheese files for bankruptcy. What is world?

NC (vo): They ditch him after he attempts to cheat at bowling, subtitling every swear word.

Napoleon (played by Terry Camilleri): (in French) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

NC: I feel like their version of Napoleon is just a more (clip from Napoleon Bunny-Part plays) vulgar interpretation of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Napoleon: (in French) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

(cut to cartoon)

Napoleon: (yelling in French)

NC (vo): And Bill and Ted continue to collect historical figures. They nab Joan of Arc, Sigmund Freud, Beethoven, Genghis Khan, and even Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln (played by Robert V. Barron): Yes, what can I—

(Genghis Khan pulls Lincoln and the time machine leaves offscreen)

NC: Well, now we know what the third film will be about.

NC (vo): After dialing the wrong number, resulting in the conversation they had before, they land back at Bill's house coming up with the funniest fake names for their historical friends.

Ted: Gabe Beethoven, Bob Genghis Khan, So-Crates Johnson, Dennis Frood, and uh.. Abraham Lincoln.

NC: Well, at least five bands have been named on Facebook.

NC (vo): But they have to do their chores first. Wha? Zany! And they leave the historical figures at the mall while they pick up Napoleon.

Ted: Do you realize you have stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?!

Deacon: He was a dick.

(quote pops up that says ""Napoleon was a dick." -Deacon from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure")

NC (vo): They discover he went to a water park called Waterloo, because of course he did, and I'll just say it, seeing Napoleon enjoy the hell out of water slides is kinda my everything.

(Napoleon constantly having fun on the water slides)

NC: This isn't surprising. (clip from The Truman Show play with Terry Camilleri celebrating in the bathtub) it seems the best times of his life usually involve water.

NC (vo): They pick him up, but unsurprisingly, the rest of the gang go exploring in the mall and get into trouble.

(Beethoven in a music store)

Store Clerk: You a musician? Try this.

(clerk turns on synth rhythm sample on keyboard)

NC (vo): (as Beethoven) Well, I can't hear any of that. I'll just assume it's amazing.

Beethoven (played by Clifford David): (laughing)

NC (vo): Again, these actors commitment to these roles are above and beyond what a Bill & Ted movie require.

Sigmund Freud played by Rod Loomis): I'm Dr. Freud, but you may call me Siggy.

Lady: (laughing) Oh my god.

NC (vo): There's some real good jokes here. Sigmund Freud striking out with the ladies while holding a corn dog, Joan of Arc leading an army of exercisers, Genghis Khan (zooms in on a sign that says, "LET US GRIP YOU AND STRING YOU") in front of this sign, what the balls, and all of them getting arrested by Ted's father.

Bill: Can we get your dad's keys?

Ted: I could steal him, but he lost them two days ago.

NC (vo): In another bit of clever writing, Bill and Ted break them out leaving the cell keys and other helpful objects by traveling back in time after the show.

Ted: Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!

NC (vo): Again, it's very clever, but I never got this.

Ted: Remember a trash can.

Jonathan Logan (played by Hal Landon Jr.): Trash can? What are you talking about? (trash can falls on top of him) Hey, get this thing off me, kid!

NC: Was Ted of the future hanging on the ceiling waiting to drop that?

(picture of Spiderman on the ceiling with Ted's face pasted on is shown)

NC (vo): (as Ted) Dude, I got bitten by a spider after I passed!

(guitar riff)

NC (vo): They get to the school and naturally, without any preparation whatsoever, they put on a grand show for their report complete with stage lighting, choreography, guns in school when that was seen as a funny thing, even pudding for the audience! Somebody wrote that!

Ted: (interpreting for Socrates) He loves San Dimas.

(arrow points to enthusiastic audience member high fiving another guy)

NC (vo): (as audience member) Woo-hoo! Socrates is awesome!

Ted: Mr. Abraham Lincoln.

(audience applauds)

NC: I love this one guy who's like "Eh. Lincoln's okay."

Abraham Lincoln: Your forefathers were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure.

NC (vo): Let's be honest. This film would feel naked if it didn't end with Abraham saying this.

Abraham Lincoln: Party on, dudes!

(quote pops up that says, ""Party on, dudes!" -Abraham Lincoln, Like You Don't Know")

(crowd goes wild)

NC (vo): (as Lincoln) Hoho! That's really going to slay 'em at the theater tonight!

NC (vo): They finish their adventure that'd be over in minutes if the internet existed and Rufus even brings them the princesses they fell in love with.

(The princesses, Joanna and Elizabeth, played by Diane Franklin and Kimberley LaBelle respectivelly, go over to kiss the boys)

NC: They did agree and weren't kidnapped, right?

NC (vo): That had a troubling mail order bride vibe to it.

Bill: Let's jam!

NC (vo): They recruit them as band members and then finally decide to learn how to play.

(Bill and Ted start rocking out, again, rather poorly)

Rufus: They do get better.

NC (vo): (as Rufus) They get their own cereal (picture of Bill & Ted cereal box) where you can win a phone booth! there's a lot you can do with that!

(montage of clips from the movie play)

NC (vo): At a time when many teen comedies focused on taking the wrong moments seriously and the lighter moments too goofy, this film did the exact opposite. It glossed over the moments we've seen done a million times and focused on other moments that many films would barely look at. It makes it strange, but also charming, resulting in a box office hit. It led to (picture of action figures) merchandise, (clip of Bill & Ted cartoon) an animated tv show and naturally, a sequel.

(Suddenly, the sound of zapping is heard again, as the same phonebooth from before teleports into the room)

(This time, a woman (played by Tamara) wearing a white cloak, reminiscent of Kelly from Bill & Ted: Face the Music, walks into the room. Rock music plays)

Woman: Hello, Critic.

NC: Hey, Tamara.

Woman: Tamara? Who's Tamara? I'm Kelly from the future, year 30-

NC: Just tell me what you want.

Woman: Well, I've come to warn you that Bill & Ted: Face the Music is completely... adequate.

NC: (confused) What?

Woman: Yeah, it's okay.

NC: But I just heard it was awful.

Woman: No, it's fine. Not even worth checking out it's so okay.

NC: Alright, well I'll probably still take a look.

Woman: (quietly) Damnit!

NC: What?

Woman: I mean... nothing.

NC: You mean nothing?

Woman: Yes, I mean nothing. I'm Tamara, and I'm quirky like that.

NC: I thought you said you weren't Tamara.

Woman: I thought that you said that you weren't Tamara!

NC: Did I?

Woman: Well, if you don't remember, I'm not going to tell you.

NC: What is happening right now??

Woman: I don't know. I'm Malcolm. That's just how I act.

NC: That I know is not true. He wears different dresses than that.

Woman: Gotta go!

(The woman quickly leaves with the phone booth disappearing offscreen)

NC: I'd ask what's going on, but I'm afraid I'd get answers.

(On that note, we go to a commercial. Upon return, we cut to the poster for Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey[edit | edit source]

NC (vo): So, if you were told there was a Bill & Ted sequel coming out in 1991, what would you think it's about?

(A montage of posters for concurrent movies is shown: Die Hard 2, Child's Play 3, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)

NC (vo): Well, given the landscape of most sequels at the time, the exact same thing...

NC: (flatly, in mock alarm) "Oh, no! They have to pass English lit so they time-travel to visit all the great authors!" Some shit like that, right?

NC (vo): Try Bill and Ted are murdered by robot versions of themselves, roam the earth as ghosts, travel to heaven, are banished to hell, fight the Grim Reaper, and get revenge by having dead alien scientists build new robot versions of them to defeat the old robot versions of them.

NC: What the scientifically proven FUCK?!

NC (vo): This is one of the most original sequels ever written with the writers and actors returning to continue the story and the director's chair falling to Peter Hewitt, who before having to make some less than stellar family films, made some pretty twisted and bizarre projects. When I first saw it as a kid, I didn't like it because it was such a darker tone for such a lighthearted series. But as an adult, I truly admire how batshit insane it is and how absolutely none of it is a repeat of the first. But is it still dumb?

NC: Oh, sweet Jesus, yes. But is it the right kind of dumb? Well, let's take a look.

NC (vo): The film opens in the future where a revolutionary named De Nomolos, played by Joss Ackland, plans to overthrow the world ruled by Bill and Ted's music and after seeing this place, can you really blame him? Everyone looks like Splatoon characters farted out by trolls.

Rufus: Say hello to an old friend, Thomas Edison, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Sir James Martin of Faith No More.

NC: And like that, cameo.com was born.

NC (vo): But De Nomolos attacks... God, even his henchmen look like paper mâché Hamburglars. ...and he reveals his secret weapons.

Evil Bill and Ted: How's it goin', dudes!

(Evil Bill and Ted open their skin revealing their robotic insides)

NC: You hear that? It's the pants of every child watching this instantly exploding with shit.

(Sounds of pooping and children screaming can be heard)

NC (vo): Six minutes in and children are asking, "Can we put on Tremors to calm down?"

Evil Bill and Ted: Death to Bill and Ted!

NC (vo): They travel back in time with rufus following them. Meanwhile, the real Bill and Ted are practicing for the battle of the bands hosted by… Pam Grier? Don't worry.

NC: She seems as puzzled to why she's here as you are.

Ms. Wardroe: Guys! Do yourself a favor. Prepare a little.

NC (vo): Here's a bit of random: despite Grier having the majority of dialogue in this scene, we hold on Bill and Ted's reaction for an awkward amount of time. And I have no idea why?

Ms. Wardroe: Guys, the point is the battle of the bands is the biggest event for new groups in the... ...I mean- I mean y-you can't sing! I mean the girls, they can play, but you guys? ...we're talking about a $25,000 first prize, a two-year record deal, I mean... ...We're gonna get live coverage on channel 12. Now if you were me, would you put you guys on?

NC: (as either Bill or Ted) By the way, I don't think you should have the editor of 1917 work with you anymore.

NC (vo): In one of the meaner scenes of the film, that's saying a lot seeing how there's both murder and hell in this movie, Bill's stepmom dumps his father and shacks up with Ted's" dad. There is no reason for it. It is entirely pointless cruelty.

Ted: Your dad looks bad...

Bill: I know...

(Missy and Johnathan walk past Ian)

NC: Jesus, when Alien 3 feels like the upper sequel!

NC (vo): Bill and Ted propose to the princesses... It's cool, they bought the expensive Cracker Jacks to find those. …but evil Bill and Ted land and pretend to be their fiancées dumping them, literally a few minutes after they proposed.

Evil Bill: (as Joanna) We think you're losers and we never want to see you again.

Ted: No way...

Evil Bill: (as Joanna) We're going to the desert to be alone.

NC: As girls do.

NC (vo): Evil Bill and Ted drop by convincing them that they're themselves from the future.

Ted: Ted, if you're really me, how many fingers am I about to hold up?

Evil Ted: Three.

Bill and Ted: Whoa!

NC: Joke 53 that's too stupid to laugh at, yet you are.

NC (vo): They take them to the middle of the desert and reveal their evil intentions, despite the timing on their split screen conversation being a little off.

Ted: So? Where're Joanna and Elizabeth? (Evil Bill laughs while he's talking)

NC: (as Evil Bill) Sorry. I just found their names interruptingly funny.

NC (vo): They drag them to the top of a cliff, literally recreating the shot of a Star Trek episode they were watching earlier...

NC: Get it?

NC (vo): ...And well, if an old joke's not dated.

Bill: We... We love you.

Ted: We love you.

Evil Bill and Ted: Fa-

(Text pops up)

Robotic Voice: I direct you to the previous joke made in this voice... and cancel Bill and Ted I guess?

(Bill and Ted are tossed off the cliff, falling to their deaths)

Bill and Ted: AAAHHH!!!

NC (vo): They kill them off and their ghost selves are greeted by the Grim Reaper, played by William Sadler. He's hands down the best thing in this movie donning an over-the-top Swedish accent 'cause, you know, Bill and Ted fans love the seventh seal.

Death: You may challenge me to a contest.

Ted: What if we win?

Death: No one has ever won.

NC: How odd that a Tales From the Crypt movie would be his subtle performance.

NC (vo): Bill and Ted tried to figure out how to trick him.

Bill and Ted: Melvin...

NC: Okay, so I made a really bad sketch in the early days—

Ted: Your shoes are untied.

NC (vo): Oh.

(Grim Reaper looks down and Bill and Ted give him a wedgie and run off)

NC: Still less painful than my old sketch.

NC (vo): They have to figure out a way to come back to life, so they try to possess Ted's dad. Kinda love a film that has a Dare sticker even when your young leads are clearly drinking alcohol.

Johnathan: ...Everybody...

(Ted possesses his dad's body)

Bill: You totally did it, dude!

Ted: (in Johnathan's body) I totally possessed my dad!

NC: Just remember for all the people doing Keanu Reeves impersonations, this 50 year old man was doing it first.

Ted: And most importantly, they don't hurt the babes.

NC (vo): In the same way Napoleon on waterslide seems so energetically awkward it was adorable, the same can be said for these guys imitating teens half their age.

Bill: (in a police sergeant's body) I totally believe you, dude!

Ted:Yeah!

(Bill and Ted high five each other)

Bill: Whoa, donuts!

NC: I want to marry this scene!

Ted: Excellent!

Bill: Savory cruller.

(Bill and Ted start eating the donuts)

NC (vo): It's like they're trying to start their own Whose Line is it, Anyway?, but they each smoked a brick before performing.

Ted: I don't think they believe us.

Bill and Ted: Catch you later, cop dudes!

Police: Oh yeah, catch you later.

NC (vo): They leave their bodies and try communicating with Bill's mom who's performing a séance. She confuses them for evil spirits though and banishes them to where all evil spirits go.

Ted: Whoa... Who's that?

Bill: Ted, who do you think it is, dude?

NC: The rumor is Tim Curry was supposed to play that devil as well, but the script wasn't weird enough.

NC (vo): He banishes them to their own personal hells which are visually quite imaginative. One is they're both in military school, another is the Easter Bunny punishes Ted for stealing his brother's candy...

Easter Bunny: You stole Deacon's Easter basket. Uh-huh...

NC (vo): ...And the other is Bill has to kiss his grandma on her birthday. It doesn't sound bad, which I think comedically is the idea, but... LOOK AT THIS IMAGERY!

Bill's Family: Happy Birthday to you...

Bill's Grandma (also played by Alex Winter): How about... a kiss…

NC: Would you ever guess this is a Bill & Ted movie?!

NC (vo): It's like Guillermo Del Toro directing a Nick JR. show! How can you not laugh at how terrifying this all is? Next you'll be telling me they're giving the same treatment to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!

(Bill and Ted escape the personal hells)

NC (vo): They escape for a second, but find their cornered everywhere they turn.

Colonel Oats: You no-nosed salamanders!

Easter Bunny: Deac's Easter Basket!

(Bill's grandma cackling)

NC: Oh my god– This would be a great time to remind you to watch...

NC (vo): Bill and Ted's animated series every Saturday morning. Kid friendly entertainment for the entire family.

NC: Back to your Bill and Ted adventure. –AAAHHH!!!

(The intensity continues)

NC (vo): They decide the only way out is to challenge the Reaper. He tells them to pick the game of their choice so of course, they pick the most childish of games.

Ted: B3.

Death: Miss.

NC: Still a more faithful portrayal than the actual movie.

NC (vo): As if that wasn't funny enough, they end up winning. Yeah! They beat Death, the guy who has never lost a game, at Battleship.

Death: You have sank my battleship.

Bill and Ted: Excellent!!

NC: As if that wasn't funny enough...

NC (vo): Death is a sore loser.

Death: You must play me again.

Bill: What?!

Death: Best... two out of three.

NC (vo): As if THAT wasn't funny enough, he's so immature, he plays ridiculous game after ridiculous game and loses every single one of them!

Death: Best three out of five.

Ted: I don't believe this guy!

NC (vo): I'm not sure if the idea is he's never played these games so he's inexperienced or if he's played them before he's just having an incredible bad luck. Either way, it's the funniest moment in the movie!

Bill: Best of seven?

Death: Damn right!

NC (vo): He finally agrees to take them back, but they realize they have no way to defeat the evil robots. So they use Death to sneak him into heaven to ask the high and mighty one himself. They walk into a gosh darn it they tried matte painting and mug people in heaven to get past the guards. What's even crazier is when they're asked what the meaning of life is, they quote a Poison song.

Gatekeeper (played by Taj Mahal): What is the meaning of life?

Ted: Every rose... has its thorn.

NC (vo): What's even crazier is that happens to be the right answer! Oh, who am I kidding? A Poison song is the right answer to anything.

Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston.

Ted: I'm Ted Theodore Logan.

Bill and Ted: Wyld Stallyns!

NC (vo): They ask God for help and he directs them towards the smartest minds in the universe, who happen to not be human.

Death: Did you assume that the most brilliant scientist in the entire universe would be from Earth?

NC: The way things are going, not really.

NC (vo): The scientists agreed to help them as back on Earth, Evil Bill and Evil Ted have fun giving the worst effects of the film.

Evil Bill: Let me try!

NC (vo): (as Evil Bill) Whoa, I'm having a blast! Now I'm disinterested. This is awesome, dude! Disinterested again. I will remain bored unless I am in close up.

Evil Bill: We're total headbangers!

NC (vo): Bill and Ted are brought back to life and the scientists helped build other robot versions of themselves to fight at the battle of the bands.

Evil Bill and Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

Bill and Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

NC (vo): (Mortal Kombat Voice) Bill and Ted win. Robotity.

(De Nomolos shows up)

NC (vo): But De Nomolos interrupts, sends out a signal to the entire world, including Death when he was alive, and broadcasts his victory.

Bill: After we get away from this guy, we use the booth. We time travel back to before the concert and set up the things we need to get him now.

NC (vo): Whey do exactly that, but he points out he can go back in time and do the same thing. But Bill and Ted defeat him because... they wanted it more?

Bill: Only the winners are going to be able to go back and set things up.

Ted: Yeah, and that's going to be us, dude.

NC: (as Bill and Ted) Most anti-climactic! (air guitar)

Death: Excuse me, your shoelace is untied.

NC (vo): (as De Nomolos) How do we keep falling for this when neither of us have shoelaces?

Bill: Who was that guy?

Ms. Wardroe: I can answer that question, gentlemen…

NC (vo): But wait. As if things couldn't get any more insane...

(Ms. Wardroe takes off her disguise to reveal it's actually Rufus)

Bill and Ted: Rufus!

NC: OH MY GOD...!

Rufus: Would anyone else have let you in this contest?

NC: Now we just have to wait for George Carlin's ghost to do a tweet.

NC (vo): Bill and Ted remember they still can't play so they spend months learning and travel back in time to perform.

Bill: I want to introduce you to a little friend of mine. This is Little Ted.

Audience: Hello, Little Ted!

Ted: And this is Little Bill!

Audience: Hello, Little Bill!

NC: God help you if that's not their daughters' names in the third one. (iMBD page of Face the Music show that their names are Thea and Billie) Alright, that kinda works.

NC (vo): They put on the best concert since Vanilla Ice sang Go Ninja Go.

Death: (rapping) You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later, you'll dance with the Reaper! Get down with your bad self!

NC: I'd still listen to him over Creed.

NC (vo): And the credits roll as their music begins to change the world. Literally. Every time they play somewhere, something gets better for society. Man, I can't wait for this to be a headline someday.

NC: And that was Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. It was a massively... okay success.

NC (vo): Though not the hit the first one was, it did turn in a decent profit, even launched a comic series that I read when I was younger and remember being pretty funny. The film has more clumsy moments compared to the first, but the story and visuals are so imaginative I think they're worth overlooking. It has its slip ups, but it delivers on the goods; the surreal, terrifying, but ultimately entertaining goods. Even the small moments that don't work still kinda do just for how odd they are. It's a ton of enjoyable but strange fun to say the least.

(Suddenly, the sound of zapping is heard again, as the same phonebooth from before teleports into the room)

NC: Oh, now what?

(This time, past Keanu Reeves (played by [[Walter Banasiak|Walter]) walks into the room. Rock music plays)

NC: Is that young Keanu Reeves?

Past Keanu Reeves: Yeah! I'm here to tell you that Bill & Ted: Face The Music is amazing!

NC: Really?? It's so weird; I've heard so many conflicting things about it.

Past Keanu Reeves: Dude, it's one of the best things I've ever been in so, you know, you don't have to see it anymore!

NC: What??

Past Keanu Reeves: Well, I said it was awesome, so what's the point in watching?

NC: Yeah, that makes no sense. In fact, how did young you see it in the future?

Past Keanu Reeves: Uh... The Matrix?

NC: Okay, seriously. What's going on?

(Suddenly, the sound of zapping is heard again, as another phonebooth teleports into the room)

(Present Keanu Reeves (played by [[Jim Jaroz|Jim]) walks into the room. Different rock music plays)

Keanu Reeves: Yeah. What is going on?

NC: Wait, is that current Keanu Reeves?

Past Keanu Reeves: No, he's like an imposter!

NC: Okay, what is this? Nothing is making sense!

Keanu Reeves: Why don't you tell him, "young me".

(Past Keanu Reeves sighs and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, he reveals himself as Death from Bogus Journey)

NC: Death?! You've been behind this the whole time?

Death: (in bad Swedish accent) Yes...

NC: But why?

Keanu Reeves: He's been trying to kill my career for years.

NC: No way!

Death: Yes way. For decades, I've been trying to sabotage his movies. Johnny Mnemonic, he survived. Dracula, nobody remembers he's in it. The Matrix sequels, suddenly people want more!

NC: Well, you came pretty close with Constantine.

Death: People like that now.

NC: NO! With Shia LeBeouf?

Death: I don't get it either.

NC: But why did you want to destroy his career?

Death: Because he was BORING! He was so boring! Everybody's like "Oh look, he doesn't move his face he must be a great actor!" No, that's BAD! That's bad acting! It's almost as bad as my Swedish accent! So I tried to kill his credibility wherever I could. He was in Much Ado About Nothing for Christ's sake!

NC: Oh, but then...

Death: Yes, he got the sense of humor.

Keanu Reeves: That's right! Now I'm John Wick, (picture of Duke Caboom is shown) Duke Caboom, and countless other hilarious cameos!

Death: I was hoping if people would stop seeing how entertaining he could be, his career would wither and die.

Keanu Reeves: So he's been trying to stop any attention given to the Bill & Ted movies.

NC: Oh. Well... I don't even think Death can stop something so strange.

NC (vo): Whether the new movie is great awful or somewhere in between, it'll be an interesting addition because its predecessors are already so unique. It's kinda like the Star Wars prequels; on their own, they'd just be lame movies. But following the other films, their mere existence makes them intriguing. Whatever note it ends on is going to be fascinating because the previous films went in such a strange direction. There's truly nothing quite like them. Even as kind of dumb teen movies go, these will always stand out.

Death: Mm, I guess you're right. I'm sorry I tried to destroy your career, Mr. Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: Just answer me this... Did you think I was going to be in Speed 2?

Death: Yes.

Keanu Reeves: That's why it bombed so hard!!

NC: Well, come what may, you both made some very original films and they're not going to be forgotten anytime soon.

Death: You know I was in a Bergman movie, right?

NC: Yeah, but nobody remembers that crap.

Death: Jesus!

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves)

Death: It's only praised as one of the best movies of all time! (A guitar riff plays) Stop that! It was never funny!

Channel Awesome taglineZiggy Piggy Employees: Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy. (snorting)


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