And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Avengers."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
No, I'm serious. It's the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life.
(Doug suddenly breaks character, removing the hat and wig)
Okay, look, I'm gonna do the bit for ya and everything, but you guys really have to know this is like probably one of the greatest movies ever. It's just unbelievable. It's just a miracle of a film. It's just like all this stuff comes together, and it's funny, it's action-packed-- Holy crap, it's just... O-Okay, *Holds up hat* I'm gonna put this back on. I just-- You have to assure me that you're gonna see it, okay? *Starts putting hat on* It's just-- Promise me. Make me that promise. Okay? Good.
There's this pirate called Nick Fury.
And he's like, "There's this motherf***in' guy who wants to take over my motherf***in' world!"
(Mimicks M. Bison) Of course!
And apparently the guy's name is Loki, and he stole this magic Rubik cube.
And Loki is like, "I want to wear a goat helmet and take over the world!"
"Because it's Friday, and I have nothin' better to do."
I spent my Fridays like that once!
It didn't work.
So, Nick Fury is like, "We need a team of the most brightly-colored bullseyes we can find!"
So he puts together the Avengers!
Hey, as long as Uma Thurman and Ralph Fiennes are out of it, I'm good.
Though, I would like Sean Connery as a teddy bear.
It just makes sense to me.
So all the Avengers come together, including *Counts off fingers* Iron Man, the Hulk, Black Widow, Captain America, Thor, Robin Hood, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, G. E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band, with your host Steve Martin.
So they're off to stop Loki, and they're like, *Holds out hand* "Stop it, Loki!"
"Well, that was easy."
(Cut to black screen with "The End" as Chester sings) The Avengers! They avenge things, though not really.
(talking) Actually, they take Loki to this giant cruiser, which sort of looks like a flying version of Battleship.
Yeah, yeah, I saw the trailer for that too.
Just keep telling yourself, "'The Avengers' came out this year. I'm gonna be okay."
And Nick Fury is like, "I found the demi-god's only weakness: Glass."
But Loki is like, "I have a diabolical plan to turn the Avengers against each other!"
And the Avengers are like, "Ha! That'll never work!"
"Yes, it will."
(turns) "What are you talking about?"
"I think that would definitely work!"
"Oh, you're an idiot!"
"You're an idiot!" *They start talking over each other*
But then Loki's men attack.
And the Avengers are like, "We never should have fought and just gotten along."
"I don't agree with that!" *They start talking over each other again*
But Nick Fury is like, "I'm sick of these motherf***in' Avengers motherf***in' arguing. We got a motherf***in' 'Wizard of Oz' villain ready to destroy the Earth, and you're...motherf***."
"He's motherf***in' right!"
So all the Avengers get together, but they're like, "Hey, Eric Bana! Can you get angry and turn into the Hulk?"
And Eric Bana is like, "Here's the secret: I'm always angry."
Heeyyy, that makes no sense.
If he's always angry, wouldn't he always be the Hulk?
It's confusing enough he doesn't look like the guy from "Fight Club" anymore.
So Loki gets all these alien creatures that come from another dimension.
And I'm like, "Who are these alien creatures?"
And everybody in the audience was like-- *Cut to three versions of himself wearing glasses talking over each other*
(Holds up hands) Hold it! Are they gonna blow stuff up in a minute? *All three answer "Yes" one after the other and Chester shrugs* I'm good.
And booyyyy, do they blow stuff up!
Iron Man's like, *Pretends to shoot blasts*
And Thor is like, *Spin Mjolnir* "Lightning! Lightning! Lightning!"
And the Hulk is like, *Pounds fist into hand* "Smash! Smash! Smash!"
And I'm like, *flails* "MALEGASM!!!"
It's like imagine if Michael Bay had money and the need to destroy things, but he wasn't a horny Neanderthal.
This is the movie he would make!
So things are exploding-- *Makes spastic exploding sounds*
But the League of Shadowy People Who Decide Things are like, *in the dark* "Nuke the city."
"Can't we just throw the nuke into the portal?"
(Still in dark) "Okay, I guess that works too. Iron Man, can you get on that?"
So Iron Man throws the nuke into the portal, the portal is destroyed, Loki's punished by given a muzzle for some reason, and they all live avengefully ever after.
(Cut to black "The End" screen as he sings again) Avengers, avenge to us means beating the crap out of things.
But then at the end of the credits, they're like, "I am giant cherry-face man, and only extreme comic book geeks will know what this means."
(Throws up arms) And everybody in the audience was like-- *Cut to three of himself again talking over each other)
(Holds up hands) Shut up! Is Spider-Man and/or Wolverine gonna be in the next one?
Okay, I'm hyped.
So, "The Avengers" was great! Why are you even still watching this review? Just go see it! See it! SEE IT!
(Doug breaks character, once again taking off the hat and wig)
No, seriously, see it!
(Cut back to Chester)
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
All proceeds with go to a promise to keep the Hulk the exact same actor. Most money will go to drugs.