Bum Reviews: The Artist [Feb. 9, 2012]
Usual classical introduction music.
Announcer: And now, it's time for [graphic appears] Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review: The Artist.
Cut to Chester in his usual location. However, he's in black-and-white and is muted. All we hear, unless noted, is some rag-time-style piano music for the rest of the review.
Chester says the following, which comes up in the next caption:
"Oh my God, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!"
He notices that he can't speak, looks off and says:
"What the Hell's going on?"
He holds up his hands and says:
"I can't hear my own voice."
Chester screams.
(Obnoxious scream you should be glad you're not hearing)
He then holds up his index finger, realizing what's happening. He says:
"Oh I get it, it's like one of those Sila-ma-tent pictures."
He then declares:
"Well, I can deal with that."
Chester clears his throat.
"Ahem."
At this point, Chester explains what's happening in his usual style while using some pretty exaggerated movements, including running in place.
"There's an Artist..."
More exaggerated movements, including him hopping up and down like Daffy Duck has done.
"Who's in Silent Movies..."
Even more movements such as walking like Frankenstein, imitating an explosion, and something obscene involving his penis (off-screen, of course).
(Something about a platypus)
The next montage starts with him doing the obscene "V" gesture (yeah, THAT one). It also includes him pressing a button, reacting wildly, and spinning around in circles.
(He literally said nothing during that)
Then he does some air punches, holds his breath by sticking his fingers over his mouth and puffing up his cheeks, and exhales by vomiting in his shirt. He then waves his index finger up and around and then back down, as if he's imitating... something rising and falling.
"The dog was funny."
Next, he deals out some air cards, has his hand talk to him like it was a puppet, which causes him to laugh, and then dances in place.
"The music was too loud, I never heard what they were saying."
He then looks down screen-left, tapping his finger against his mouth and thinking; he then turns to us:
"Also..."
He then says something short.
[here we go...] ""The film tapped into a story that, while we have seen before, seemed to breathe a new puff of fresh air that was very welcomed in today's cinema. Some may say that the story of the film has been done too many times in the past, but the fact that it was addressing an issue in a time period that most people don't think about, one might say it's okay to tell this story in this format. Sure, it was already addressed in the classic musical "Singing in the Rain," but that film was more of an upbeat comedy, where this film lives in a world of sadness and guilt. "Singing in the Rain" was more about people who were simply adjusting to the new idea of films with sound, "The Artist" is more about the people who could not make the transitions, and because of that, their careers were ruined. Many forget just how many actors lost their jobs and could no longer get work because of this incredible breakthrough, and this film is something of a love letter to those who were lost in the mix. One of the highlights of the film also is that the actors do not act as modent actors in silent film. It very much mimics the style, therefore allowing newer audiences and younger generations to realize that there is an art and drama to SIlent Film, and that it's not just over the top performances. Many know of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton, but great performance from people like Lon Chaney and Greta Garbo still deserves as much mainstream attention as any other actor working today. So do yourself a favor and make your way to the libraries, check out their great works, and see what a remarkable world you're missing out on. A galaxy of creativity awaits you." [WHEW!]
Chester then says his usual farewell:
"This is Chester A. Bum saying..."
He holds up his foam cup:
"Change? Ya got change?"
The "Thank you" screen appears, but the piano music still plays. It fades out, though, as we finally hear Chester speak:
Chester: Well, at least help me buy a better microphone!
Piano music fades back out as the credits roll.
THE END