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The Ant Bully
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Release Date
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January 4, 2023
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Running Time
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26:01
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Previous Review
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Link
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Video
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(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence are shown. Then we open with Jim walking down the hallway when he suddenly hears cheering and shouting coming from one room to the side of the hall. He turns his head toward the commotion. Inside, Malcolm is holding up a lit marijuana cigarette, aiming it like a dart.)
NC: Oh, here we go, here we go...
(Jim peeks his head into the room as Malcolm tosses the cigarette into NC's mouth. NC closes his mouth as Tamara stands off to the side, cheering. NC grins and clenches his fists as smoke spews from his ears to the sound of a cartoon train whistle blowing. Everyone laughs and cheers. Jim is nonplussed by what's going on.)
Jim: What's going on here?
(Everyone reacts in shock at Jim's arrival. Malcolm steps back toward NC and Tamara.)
Jim: Are you all taking it easy because it's January again?
(Feeling embarrassed, the three of them hang their heads. NC massages his neck.)
All three: Maybe...
Jim: Did you forget you have a review to do?
All three: No...
Jim: Then why aren't you reviewing it?
Tamara: (scoffs) January reviews suck!
Malcolm: Yeah, nobody cares about movies in January.
Jim: That's not true, there's tons of great movies released in January, like...
(Jim looks up. A rapid-fire montage of posters for movies released in January is shown in the upper-left corner: I, Frankenstein, BloodRayne, Epic Movie, The Green Hornet, The Nut Job, Mortdecai, Norm of the North, Meet the Spartans. The sound of a woman screaming in anguish is heard. Jim looks back at the group, eyes rolling in exasperation.)
Jim: (whispering) Just do it.
NC: Look, it's not that we didn't watch a film this week; it's that...
Jim: You forgot what it was again, didn't you?
Tamara: It just left no impact.
Malcolm: Yeah, it's like a thing leaving no impact...leaving no impact.
Jim: You are so high.
Malcolm: No, I am so high!
NC: Seriously, we have no recollection of what we just watched!
Jim: Yeah? Well, maybe this will jog your memory...
(Jim holds up an orange gem to the group. A bright flash emanates from the gem. NC, Malcolm and Tamara suddenly find themselves shrunken down to insect size. Not only that, but they're wearing mosquito outfits.)
NC: Man, we're mosquitoes again?!
Tamara: We've done this a million times!
Malcolm: In fact, I think complaining about it has been done a million times!
NC: (sighs) Whoever repeats something that's been so overdone?
Tamara: Without adding anything new to it?
Malcolm: And expect everybody to be invested?
NC: (holds up index finger as he realizes something) Ant Bully. That's this week's movie.
Malcolm: Ohh!
NC: You can change us back, Jim.
(The bright flash appears again as Tamara gives a thumbs-up. The trio grows back to their normal size again.)
NC: (exasperated) Come on, guys, let's go review our (makes "air quotes") "January" movie.
(NC leaves the room, Tamara and Malcolm following after. Tamara sighs irritably. Jim watches them leave, then looks in thought as though he realized something.)
Jim: You know, all this seems very out of character for me. It seems more like a Rob kind of role. Could it be that he has COVID rebound?
(Suddenly, Jim explodes in a huge fireball, as the words "ROB'S FINE BTW" appear in big yellow letters. Then we are shown the title for The Ant Bully, followed by footage of the film.)
NC (vo): Released in 2006, I've gotten requests to review The Ant Bully for a while. And don't take it the wrong way: everybody had asked for it, but...
(Cut to a clip of the live-action Tick series.)
The Tick (Patrick Warburton): Why?
(Cut back to The Ant Bully.)
NC (vo): Honestly, the people involved in the film are more interesting than the film itself. It's produced by Tom Hanks, (The cover of the original book by John Nickle is inserted.) who loved the book it was based on; directed by John A. Davis, (The poster for Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius is inserted.) who directed Jimmy Neutron; and has an impressive cast, including Nicolas Cage, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Bruce Campbell, and Paul Giamatti. Everyone making the film told Tom Hanks the same thing: "Aw, man, not another ant movie." But when they read the story, they found they quite enjoyed it and thought, "Maybe it will be a good flick." But when it was released, audiences said, "Aw, man, not another ant movie!", and the film bombed. And that really is about it: it's just another ant movie; nothing terrible or obnoxious, just...very bored and overplayed. For all the requests people have for me to review it, I kind of feel like the Monarch when he entered his arch nemesis' lab.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Venture Brothers, showing the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend looking at one of Dr. Venture's machines.)
Monarch (Christopher McCulloch): I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to dream of taking a whiz on this.
(Cut back to The Ant Bully.)
NC (vo): Yeah, I really thought this'd be a lot more fun to rip apart. Instead, it just...kind of exists. But you all have wanted me to review it for a while, and it's not like there's nothing to talk about with it, so let's jump right in.
(NC is in his room like usual.)
NC: This is...a film; we definitely established that: The Ant Bully.
(The movie begins with a down-view of some grass while an ant scurries through it. As we cut back to NC, the poster for Antz appears in the corner.)
NC: I already wish I was watching Antz. Wow, that was like a second!
(The ant in question is shown better, as he climbs over a small hill while holding a staff.)
NC (vo; as this ant): Oh, I'll find Ratchet and Clank around here somewhere.
Ant (Nicolas Cage): (to his pet firefly) Spindle, taillight!
(The firefly, Spindle, lights its rear.)
NC (vo): We see an ant wizard named Zoc, played by Nicolas Cage...
NC: Okay, something's wrong if an ant wizard named Zoc, played by Nicolas Cage, is not interesting.
NC (vo): ...who's trying to find magic stones while the other ants sleep.
Zoc: (to the ants, who he has woken up from their sleep) What's more important? Completing my life's work or your sleep?
Ant: Uh, sleep!
Zoc: Then I shall try to be very quiet.
NC: You're Nicolas Cage; I just assume that's you being quiet...
NC (vo): We then cut to a kid named Lucas, voiced by Zach Tyler Eisen. I'm not gonna lie; I love, despite playing (A promo image for Avatar: The Last Airbender, showing Aang, voiced by Eisen there, is inserted.) one of the most beloved anime characters of all time...
(An image of Eisen's page on IMDB is shown, with Lucas prominently displayed and Aang nowhere in sight.)
NC (vo): ...this is his IMDB icon! ...who is – you guessed it – being bullied.
Lucas: (to the bully in question, Steve) Come on, man, I'm running out of underwear.
Steve (Myles Jeffrey): Well, what are you gonna do about it, huh? Nothing!
NC (vo): Okay, so the animation clearly has more money than Jimmy Neutron, but I'm sorry, I'm still...
(One kid is shown, rendered in the early CG style prominent in Jimmy Neutron, with rather hideous-looking teeth.)
NC (vo): ...watching this, waiting for a toothpaste ad to start.
(Lucas turns to a nearby anthill, looking frustrated. He holds a squirt gun in his hand.)
Lucas: Whatcha gonna do about it, ants? Nothing! (He tears up the anthill by kicking it, sending the ants fleeing.)
NC (vo): Lucas takes out his aggression on the ants, and, yeah, we're four minutes in, and we already know the lesson. Can we skip the rest of the hour twenty?
(In the anthill, Zoc is trying to create fire by banging two fire crystals together.)
Zoc: Fire that burns. Clackteil!
(He bangs the fire crystals together, but nothing happens, except they just smoke and fart. Frustrated, he repeatedly bangs the crystals together.)
Zoc: Clackteil! Clackteil! Clack-clackity-clack!
NC: (as Zoc) Aw, why doesn't it burn? Why doesn't it burn?!
NC (vo): Zoc is approached by his girlfriend, Hova, played by Julia Roberts.
Hova: Maybe you're pronouncing it wrong.
Zoc: How can I pronounce it wrong? I made it up! (Hova sighs.)
NC (vo): Now, if you were to ask, between Nicolas Cage and Julia Roberts, which character would I enjoy more, I'd say that's easy as reciting...
(Cut to a clip of Vampire's Kiss, showing Peter Loew (Cage) reciting the alphabet.)
Loew: A, B, C, D, E, F, G...
Alva Restrepo (María Conchita Alonso): Peter?
Loew: (clapping hands) ...H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P!
Restrepo: Peter!
NC: But Julia Roberts is surprisingly pretty likeable in this.
(The poster for Runaway Bride is shown.)
NC (vo): I don't hate her, but that marketable and even manipulative America's sweetheart image she clearly branded onto herself got in the way of a lot of her performances.
(Cut back to The Ant Bully.)
NC (vo): Here, though, she surprisingly comes across as very genuine, upbeat and likeable. And I think a lot of that is from the expressive animation and her performance.
Hova: (to Zoc) Yay! That was great, sweetie!
(We then cut to a later of Hova and Lucas.)
Hova: (to Lucas) Is that what humans do when they're sad? They leak from the face? We do this... (Her eyes turn soulful like those of a puppy.)
NC: Meanwhile, Cage, crazy Nicolas Cage, is...fine?
NC (vo): I guess he's more neurotic than (An image of Z from Antz is shown briefly.) Woody Allen, so there's that. But he's not acting crazy enough to get a lot of laughs, but he's also not subtle enough to have any real layers.
Zoc: Fight back! We must stop the Destroyers!
Hova: Let's talk with the humans!
Zoc: Oh, what a great idea! Let's have a nice chat!
NC (vo): I guess I do buy his and Hova's chemistry, even if it is kind of based around a tickle fetish.
(We are shown a scene of Hova trying to tickle Zoc. As we cut back to NC, who speaks below, text appears in the corner, reading: "...and then the ant that sounds like Julia Roberts tickled the ant wizard that sounds like Nicolas Cage because that is what ants do.")
NC: (crosses arms) Well, isn't somebody's very specific erotic fan fiction coming to life!
(The Head of Council shows up.)
Head of Council (Ricardo Montalbán): Attacks from the Destroyer grow more frequent.
NC (vo): Oh! Ricardo Montalbán is in this. He has the same important role as (An image of Mr. Soil from A Bug's Life is shown off to the side.) Roddy McDowell in A Bug's Life; that is to say, not important, but makes you go, "Ooh! Ricardo Montalbán is in this!" (The names of both actors pop up in yellow.) They even have the same initials!
(Meanwhile, Lucas' father, Fred, is dressed up in a sombrero and touristy shirt. He holds several suitcases in his hands as he addresses his wife, Doreen, as well as Lucas.)
Fred (Larry Miller): It's our big wedding anniversary. We're going to Puerto Vallarta.
NC (vo): Lucas' parents leave the set of The Bobbleheads Movie to go on vacation, while his grandma, played by Lily Tomlin, looks after him.
NC: Uh, I believe she is the aunt of Spider-Man, not the grandma of Ant-Man. (nods)
(Lucas' grandmother had dropped her dentures, but Lucas brings them to her, only to become surprised when he sees that she has turned on all the fans and lights in her room.)
Lucas: What are you doing?
Grandmother: Preventing alien abduction, that's what I'm doing!
NC: (shrugs) If ant wizards can exist, why not aliens?
NC (vo): Lucas gets made fun of again, once more resulting in him taking it out on the ants. And give the film this: it has a body count.
(As Lucas sprays the anthill full of water from a garden hose, the ants vainly flee for their lives from the rushing torrent of water. Ant mothers are seen with their millions of babies and baby eggs. They see the torrent of water coming at them and scream as they flee, carrying the babies in their arms, while leaving the millions of unborn babies to be destroyed!)
NC: Those are babies, man! That's like an entire generation wiped out!
NC (vo): I think we're seeing the equivalent of Ant Krypton right now!
(Suddenly, while Lucas is saturating the anthill, a creepy-looking man appears behind him.)
Man (Paul Giamatti): Hello.
(Lucas lets out a startled yelp and drops the hose.)
NC (vo): He's approached by the exterminator, played by Paul Giamatti, who, again, sounds funny on paper, but the problem is, they don't give him any funny lines on paper.
Exterminator: (sarcastically) Who does your thinking for you? Your mommy?
(He then leans over and rubs a piece of paper against his rear, while acting like a bratty child just to mock Lucas.)
Exterminator: (high-pitched voice) Wipe me! Oh, oh, please, wipe me! Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
NC: (as Giamatti) Look, I'm just trying to make this sound different enough...
(As we cut back to the exterminator and Lucas, an image of Dwayne LaFontant from Over the Hedge is shown off to the side.)
NC (vo): ...so Over the Hedge doesn't sue.
NC: (still as Giamatti) I'm not exactly trying for the awards here!
Exterminator: (handing his business card to Lucas) Stan Beals is the name. (Lucas takes it.) Beals-A-Bug Pest Control.
NC (vo; as Beals): You may have seen me as...
(An opening of an episode of Bob's Burgers is shown in the upper-left corner, with a van labeled "The Pest Pesterer" parked outside the titular location.)
NC (vo): ...an opening credit joke on Bob's Burgers.
Beals: He said, "You have my son sign a contract for me if I happen to forget to before I leave." His exact words.
NC (vo): He [Lucas] signs the contract to get rid of the ants, which...I guess, is a scam? Like, he says his father ordered it, but with his demeanor, it looks like he's just going up to random kids and having them sign bug policies? It's a weird shakedown. But later that night, Zoc has a plan.
(Zoc holds up a vial with a yellow potion inside. That night, as Lucas sleeps, his handheld video game is on.)
NC (vo; as Lucas): Oh, thank God my game has an ASMR for sleep mode.
(Zoc invades Lucas' room and crawls up on his head, holding the potion. He then pours a drop of it into Lucas' ear.)
NC (vo): Zoc pours the potion into Lucas' ear, causing him to shrink.
(Now shrunken to ant size and without any clothes on, Lucas tries to cover himself with a half-eaten potato chip. He looks up to see Zoc and lets out a shriek of horror, which is apparently loud enough to wake up his grandmother from her sleep. Red lights flash and an alarm wails.)
NC (vo; as Lucas' grandmother): My "grandson being turned into an ant" alarm!
(Lucas' grandmother takes a pair of binoculars and sees her shrunken grandson being carried off by the ants.)
NC (vo): She sees Lucas being abducted, but is unable to help, as they quickly get him to the colony.
(As Lucas falls down the anthill, he gets caught by a long stick, which throws him through the air. He then gets caught by another stick to repeat the process.)
NC (vo): This is just like that dream I had, only somehow more erotic!
Ant: Gah! His skeleton is on the inside!
NC (vo): They get him to the higher-ups, where all his crimes are read to him.
Head of Council: ...flooded all the lower hatching chambers and doused the colony with the dreaded...yellow rain.
NC: (as Head of Council) That's pee!
NC (vo): Yellow Rain is also...
(A made-up porno film poster is shown, titled Yellow Rain, which also stars Prince.)
NC (vo): ...the Prince porn parody. The Prince himself starred in it.
Head of Council: The Queen herself.
NC (vo): We're introduced to the Queen, played by Meryl Streep, who says he must be given a chance to prove himself worthy of living by showing he can work and live as an ant.
Queen Ant: I therefore sentence the human to live and work in the colony.
NC (vo): Despite Streep getting billed over Giamatti, not only does he have a lot more lines than her, but she literally has just two short scenes I'm pretty sure were shot in her car.
(We then cut to a sketch, showing Meryl Streep (played by Tamara) in her car. A boom operator (Malcolm) sits in the seat next to her.)
Streep: Okay, you have me for two minutes on my grocery run.
Boom operator: Okay. And...action!
Streep: It is I, the Ant Queen. Let him be an ant. He's an ant. I've spoken.
Boom operator: I...don't think that's the line.
Streep: Don't worry, I'll win an award for it.
(A hand reaches into view, holding an Oscar, which Streep takes. The sound of applause is heard.)
Streep: You see?
Boom operator: How did you get an audience to applaud for you in a car?
Streep: I'm that good.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): So Homa takes Lucas under her wing and decides to show him how to be an ant.
Homa: Are you male or female? And how do you tell the difference? Is it– (looks down at Lucas and becomes surprised) Oh! Oh... Is that how?
NC: (laughs) Because it's a boy, it's fine. If these genders were reversed, this would be goddamn creepy!
NC (vo): He makes her cross her heart that she promises not to eat him.
Homa: (making an X sign on her butt) Cross my heart, I will not eat you.
Lucas: (creeped out) I said cross your heart, not your butt.
Homa: I just did. (makes an X sign on her butt again) See?
NC: (utterly confused) I don't know what question is stranger: what the hell...
NC (vo): ...does that joke even mean, or how many kids actually looked up if an ant's heart is in its ass?
(As we cut back to NC, the film's budget of $50 million is displayed in the corner, along with its domestic gross of $28,142,535. NC looks at it briefly.)
NC: Oh, wait, I forgot, not many. (nods)
NC (vo): He's taken to the foraging instructor Kreela, played by Regina King, and he's shown an obstacle course where he has to work with the other ants in order to get the food at the end. We're also introduced to Fugax, played by Bruce Campbell.
Fugax: I have journeyed far beyond the Great Flat Rock, where the humans ride in their metal cocoons!
NC: This is such a Bruce Campbell archetype, they literally gave him...
NC (vo): ...two huge chins to emphasize it! Lucas tries to help out, but accidentally gets flung away.
(Lucas flies through the air and lands hard on the ground, rolling end over end a few times before coming to a stop. He looks dazed, but is otherwise unhurt.)
NC (vo): Dead, dead! His body's lasagna– Oh, I mean, he's fine! At first, the ants like that he figured out how to catapult himself, but when he can't climb like the rest of them to win, he gives up.
Lucas: (to Hova) You worry about you, and I'll worry about me!
Hova: Oh, Lucas, that's not the way ants are.
(As we cut back to NC, a news article showing Brad Pitt reaching a $20.5 million settlement with Hurricane Katrina victims over faulty homes is shown in the corner.)
NC: (as Hova) We're like celebrities after a natural disaster; we want to physically help, but we really shouldn't.
NC (vo): She suddenly gets distracted by something in the distance.
Lucas: Hello?
(Hova doesn't answer. She is staring at something with a deer-in-headlights expression. Lucas waves his hand in front of her face, but she still doesn't respond.)
Lucas: Earth to ant lady!
NC: Did his arm...
NC (vo): ...become a Laffy Taffy in between shots? Even Popeye is looking at that arm, saying, (as Popeye, while an image of him appears off to the side) "Oh, kid, you need to get some sanctimony. Ag-ag-ag-ag."
(The ants then flee, dragging Lucas along with them. He sees a swarm of wasps above the grass.)
Lucas: Whoa!
NC (vo): It turns out she saw a swarm of wasps going after them. And I could be crazy, but I swear I heard Nicolas Cage say, "Who wants magic? Fuck you!"
Zoc: (powering up his staff) Who wants magic? Clacktiel! (He zaps a wasp with a blast of magic from his staff.)
NC: (as Cage) The film's PG, so I get one!
NC (vo): When it comes to helping the ants or saving himself, Lucas chooses to save himself. However, he does find a firecracker to scare the wasps away. This calls for a burp joke.
(After taking a big sip of a liquid of some kind, Lucas feels sick and then lets out a huge belch that echoes all across the anthill.)
NC: This really is where I wish it was a Jimmy Neutron movie, because he would have taken that burp and turned it into an alien race or something.
NC (vo): Lucas is taken to be shown the ancient history of their world...and what I swear is a butthole. That's a butthole! And I'll say I don't think we'd be exterminating ants if we knew they created religion, art and friggin' magic!
Fugax: It is said that one day, she will return.
NC (vo): He is told about the Ancient Mother, as well as the evil one known as The Cloud Breather.
Lucas: (terrified) The exterminator! I-I got to cancel him!
NC (vo; as Lucas): I'm gonna dig up some risqué tweets he posted! Maybe he watched Pepe Le Pew or something. (normal) He convinces them to go into the house and look for food while he tries to call and cancel the extermination.
(The ants pull off some petals from some flowers and use them as parachutes when they jump off the table, using a moving fan to blow them across the house.)
Fugax: For the queen and colony!
(He jumps off the table toward the fan. But it is edited to look like he didn't make it, as there are blood splatters and the sound of blades slicing, presumably killing Fugax.)
NC: (recoiling in horror) OH, GOD!! No Bruce Campbell should have to go that way! Though, that was the amount of blood I expected.
NC (vo): No, he's fine, and we get one of the few legitimately cool scenes where they float on flower petals and he tells them all about the human world.
(Lucas and the ants float over some models of the Egyptian Pyramids.)
Lucas: And these are the Pyramids. Well, not the real Pyramids. The real ones are a lot bigger.
NC: Don't know why they're relying on a fan when he could just airbend them. (beat) Yeah, it's the best joke I could think of there. It's a legit good scene.
(Then the ants spot some spilled Jelly Belly jellybeans on the table.)
Fugax: Oh, Lucas, it's... it's...
NC (vo; as Fugax): Product placement! Give me some sugar, baby!
(Lucas and Hova find the phone. Lucas jumps across the number buttons to try and dial up the exterminator.)
NC (vo): Lucas tries to call the exterminator while they get the candy, but he accidentally gets...Pizza King?
(It turns out the phone number that Lucas dialed was not the exterminator, but the aforementioned Las Vegas Pizza Kingdom, a pizza place. A tired-looking teenage boy working there answers the phone.)
Worker: (deadpan) Pizza Kingdom. Hail to the King.
NC: All right, that was damn close.
Lucas: (yelling into phone) No! Exterminator!
Worker: (not getting it) No extra tomater, got it.
NC (vo): You know, I'm not gonna lie: I'd much rather know these hideous kids' stories than the rest of this (The poster for a made-up movie called A [sic] Antz Life is shown, with Z's head on Flik's body.) Antz Life recycling. I feel like I'm looking at (An image of the following is shown in the lower-left corner...) Gorillaz if they worked at Pizza Planet. And those adventures sound far more interesting!
(Just then, however, Lucas' older sister, Tiffany, shows up and picks up the phone, just as Lucas tries to finish up dialing the exterminator. She looks down to spot the ants, not realizing one of them is her brother.)
NC (vo): The sister interrupts the call, though, and makes things complicated.
Tiffany (Allison Mack): (on phone) Yeah, everything's fine. Lucas is being a pest.
NC (vo; as Tiffany): Yeah, I was sure to say with extra irony. Why?
(She spots Fugax and tries to crush him with the phone. He flees.)
Fugax: Remember your training!
(Tiffany brings the phone down, but misses by inches. He trips and falls. He looks up to see Tiffany bring the phone down toward him again. He sees the holes of the earpiece coming toward him.)
Fugax: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no! MOTHER!
(But it's too late. One of the holes fills up the screen and everything goes black.)
NC: Damn, Bruce Campbell died fewer times in the Evil Dead franchise.
(However, being as Fugax is right inside the hole, he survives, and everyone escapes back to the anthill.)
NC (vo): They once again get away, but Zoc still doesn't trust Lucas.
Zoc: (to Lucas) Hi, there! How are you?
Lucas: Okay.
Zoc: Okay. That's good. It's good to be okay.
NC: I just imagine that's how Cage greets any...
NC (vo): ...random stranger.
(We cut back to NC, who now has Cage's head over his own.)
NC: (as Cage) Hi! How are you?
Offscreen voice: Okay...
NC: (as Cage) Okay? That's good! It's good to be okay!
NC (vo): He tells Lucas he's not welcome there anymore, but Hova catches wind of this and goes after him.
(Lucas looks out a huge pond, with a giant lawn gnome in the distance.)
NC (vo): Ooh! Disney's new theme park attraction, Nightmareland!
Beetle (Rob Paulsen): (to Lucas) Hi! Nice evening, huh?
NC (vo): Rob Paulsen plays this upbeat beetle–
(Offscreen, there is the sound of a whip cracking as the beetle is eaten by a frog. Lucas turns back to see that the beetle is gone)
NC (vo): Rob Paulsen, everybody! (The audience is heard cheering.) Actually, we do get more of him, as Lucas is gobbled up, too. And man, if you told me the best parts of this insect-based epic was inside a frog's stomach acid...
(Cut to a clip of An American Tail, showing Fievel almost being eaten by a cat.)
NC (vo): ...I'd say maybe Fievel should have been swallowed all the way to see what colorful characters he'd run into.
(Cut back to The Ant Bully, as we also see that the frog has also swallowed a glow worm and two flies.)
Beetle: So, what do you guys do?
Glow Worm (S. Scott Bullock): I'm a glow worm. I glow. (holds up his glowing rear)
Beetle: That's great!
(A clip of another film showing an old woman is shown in the upper-right corner.)
Old woman: Penis!
NC (vo): Gotta also love this dark-as-hell joke.
(One fly grabs a hold of the other, whose body is dissolved away by the acid.)
Fly (Mark DeCarlo): Why can't you be more, uh, "Hey, Lenny, this is what I'm talking about!"
(The fly holds up Lenny's half-dissolved body. But Lenny appears to be smiling.)
Fly: Lenny! Always has a smile on his face!
NC: No, really, they need a sitcom!
(As the insects are shown again, the title for a made-up sitcom is shown...)
NC (vo): Three Bugs and a Decapitated Corpse! In a Frog Belly.
NC: Tell me you wouldn't at least watch the first episode!
(It is revealed that the frog at Zoc as well.)
NC (vo): Zoc finds him [Lucas] and uses the same route he gave Lucas to make him belch.
(The frog belching expels the bugs from the frog's stomach.)
NC (vo): They naturally talk about the differences between ants and people. They talk about how people can't always get things done because of their differences. But Zoc says if they use their differences for the good of the group, they can be strong sheep– I mean, ants. Yeah, man, talk about (The poster for Antz is shown.) the exact opposite message of this film!
Lucas: Some people work together.
Zoc: Why not all?
Lucas: Their...differences.
Zoc: But it's the differences that make a colony strong.
NC (vo): But yes, it's clear what point it's trying to make, and it's not a bad one. However, that matters little when, the following day, an Ant-gel of Death arrives.
(An ant with an angelic halo and wings is shown. It's the top of the truck from Beals-A-Bug Pest Control. Stan Beals, the exterminator, has arrived to wipe out the ants!)
Lucas: (hushed) No...!
NC: Also, I have nowhere to put this, so I'm just gonna say it here: I love that one of...
NC (vo): ...the ants sleeps with their eyes open. Just...
NC: Just that I've never seen that in a cartoon. It's not even brought up.
NC (vo): I don't know, maybe it's a CG glitch, like when Donkey has too much hair. Either way, it's neat to see.
Head of Council: (to Lucas) How do you know know...of this creature?
Lucas: Because I brought him here.
NC (vo): It's revealed Lucas knew about the Cloud Breather, and everybody turns against him. (grudgingly) Because we can't disrupt the third act conflict–
(Or can we? As the ants drag Lucas away, he suddenly breaks free of their grip as he gets an idea.)
Lucas: You shrunk me! You can shrink the Cloud Breather!
NC (vo): Oh! Maybe we can. That was refreshingly short.
(Just then, the wasps return as well.)
NC (vo): They get the idea to join forces with the wasps, but as you'd imagine, they're pretty hostile.
Lucas: (to one wasp about Beals) He brings death clouds that will destroy us all! Unless we can work together to stop him.
Wasp: (speaking like the King of the Dead from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King) That line was broken! It has been remade!
NC (vo): They eventually agree, and I will say, this climax of them trying to take out the exterminator is pretty fun. You really feel the size and weight of everything, and I'm sorry, I laugh hard when he [Lucas] teams up briefly with the lice in his [Beals'] hair. That is so gross, it's hard not to laugh. Lucas works with the colony and suddenly gets ant powers...I think that's tied to the root he was given earlier...and he's finally able to be a team player. Meanwhile, Pinky and the Bug try to help out as well. If you really want to help out, go back to the beginning and make this film about you guys.
(The beetle and the glow worm fly into Beals' right pant leg and fly up his leg.)
Glow Worm: (seeing Beals' crotch) That looks vulnerable.
Beetle: Perfect!
(The beetle opens his jaws. We then cut back to Beals as the sound of a crunch is heard. He winces in pain and then lets out a hilarious scream of pain as the beetle had evidently bit him in the groin.)
NC: (shrugs) I honestly can't think of a better joke of a better joke than what I wrote in my notes when watching that scene.
(We are shown a bit of NC's notes for this note, which NC reads.)
NC (vo): "Wow. He bit his dick!"
(Then, while flying on a wasp, Lucas and Zoc put some of Zoc's potion on the wasp's stinger. Then the wasp zooms in on Beals' rear. His pants are drooping slightly, revealing a butt crack, and the wasp stings him in just the right spot, injecting the potion. Beals lets out another shriek of pain.)
NC (vo): Zoc gets the potion in, resulting in the most terrifying transformation scene. (A shot of Lampwick's donkey transformation scene from Pinocchio is shown briefly.) And I've seen some terrifying transformation scenes!
(The injection of the potion renders Beals a deflated, disfigured mess. He then spots the swarm of wasps coming toward him.)
Beals: (high-pitched, squeaky voice) Uh-oh...
NC: He looks like the halfway point between...
(As we cut back to Beals, images are shown of Judge Doom revealing his Toon identity and him being run over by the steamroller.)
NC (vo): ...Judge Doom turning into a Toon and being squashed by the steamroller. I've seen Hills Have Eyes mutations less scary!
(With Beals' defeat, Lucas is hailed by the ants for his heroism.)
NC (vo): The day is saved, and Lucas is officially made an honorary ant.
Queen Ant: No more Lucas the Destroyer, but...Rokai the ant.
(The queen spreads her wings out while the other ants cheer.)
NC: (confused) Was there an origin to that name you randomly made up?
(The queen ant is shown again.)
NC (vo; as Meryl Streep): Look, I'm just trying to make this sound like I didn't record this at a Red Lobster. I'm not exactly trying for the awards here.
(Later, Lucas is brought back to his normal size as he and Tiffany see their parents return home. Lucas runs up to his mother.)
Lucas: Mom! Hey, Mom! (hugs her)
NC (vo): He's put back to his regular size, makes up with his mom and dad, and even gets some revenge on the rejected Garbage Pail Kid.
Lucas: (to the other bullied kids about Steve the bully) Together, we're big.
Steve: You think these stupid losers are going to team up against me?
NC: You know, if he bullied the other kids into liking him, why didn't he do the same with Lucas?
NC (vo): I mean, yeah, he's dorky, but...any less than Blue Sky's version of these Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy characters?
Kid in a football helmet: DOGPILE!
(The bullied kids do indeed team up against Steve and run at him. Steve has no choice but to run.)
Steve: ARGH! NO!
(Lucas does not join the chase. He stays behind and waves goodbye to the other kids.)
NC (vo): They team up and take him down, while Zoc and Hova...get back to that weird tickling thing.
(As the film ends with Zoc trying to tickle Hova, with her trying to elude him, we hear "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down" (AKA the Looney Tunes theme) playing as the Looney Tunes bullseye rings form around the scene. Then the movie is replaced with a shot of Nicolas Cage as Peter Loew from Vampire's Kiss.)
Loew: (laughs) Hmm...
(Then the image of Loew is replaced by that of Cage as Castor Troy from Face/Off. All the while, the Looney Tunes music concludes as the classic Looney Tunes closing message pops up: "That's All, Folks!")
NC: And that was The Ant Bully. It's... (pauses awkwardly) The Ant Bully... (makes a sour expression)
(Footage of the film plays out one more time as NC gives his closing thoughts on it.)
NC (vo): I mean, what am I supposed to say? No, it's not good, but...is it really that bad? The lesson's fine; the acting's fine; once in a while, there's a cool bit of animation, but...most of it is very paint-by-numbers. I can point to a million movies that do most of what they're trying to accomplish better, but that doesn't mean it's doing it horribly, it's just...underwhelming. I can see kids watching it if there's nothing else to do and it's on TV or something. I just don't think it's a film anyone would seek out. Clearly, a lot of the people involved went on to better things after this, and...I don't know, is it really that big an embarrassment on their careers? I don't think it is; I think it's just a whole bunch of...meh. Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't get furiously angry or lovingly passionate about it, but it's just not a movie that gets any big emotions out of me. There's worse ways to keep your kids entertained, but there's definitely better ones, too.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(NC gets up from his chair and leaves. He walks up to Malcolm and Tamara out in the side room from before and crosses his arms.)
Tamara: What now?
NC: I don't know. I was so underwhelmed, I didn't write an ending.
Malcolm: Well–
(Suddenly, the three of them explode in a huge fireball. Then we cut to black briefly before cutting to NC standing in front of a green screen trying to catch the marijuana cigarette thrown into his mouth by Malcolm. Malcolm misses NC several times before finally getting it right, after which NC grins as he does when the smoke emerges from him (edited in later naturally).)
Channel Awesome Tagline – Stan Beals: Wipe me! Oh, oh, please, wipe me! Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
(The credits roll.)