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The Angry Birds Movie
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Aired
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June 12, 2018
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Running Time
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26:56
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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Link
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(After the Channel Awesome logo is shown, we see Tamara playing a godlike woman called Muse. The caption of her name is shown as a whispering voice says it. We see Malcolm playing an animator in the year 1995, looking at his offscreen boss)
Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, you need to have a CG animated movie about toys written by next week!
(The boss growls and leaves, leaving Malcolm wondering)
Malcolm: Oh, man. How am I gonna make a movie about talking toys any good?
(The Muse is shown again; she walks over to Malcolm and puts a glow on his head before leaving. Something makes Malcolm smile in inspiration)
Malcolm: I got it!
(He types eagerly on his computer. We are then shown the box office results of Toy Story, which is $373.5 million USD, as an audience is heard applauding. Then we see Jim Jarosz playing an animator in the year 2014, listening to his offscreen boss)
Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, I want a cinematic Lego commercial written by tomorrow morning!
(The boss mutters and leaves)
Jim: How am I gonna make a giant ad for building blocks good?
(The Muse is shown again; she walks over to Jim and puts a glow on his head before leaving. Something makes Jim smile in inspiration)
Jim: I got it.
(He types eagerly on his laptop. We are then shown the box office results of The Lego Movie, which is $469.1 million USD, as an audience is heard applauding. Then we see Doug Walker playing an animator in 2016, who is playing something on his phone while his offscreen boss is yelling)
Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, I want an Angry Birds movie written by the end of the day! Slam!
(The boss leaves. The Muse is shown again; she approaches Doug and is about to touch his head. However, without noticing her, Doug takes out a gun and shoots Muse dead. While continuing to play on his phone, he looks at the camera)
Doug: It's Angry Birds.
(The 2018 NC opening plays out, before showing NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Who says there can't be good video game movies? (Brings out an Angry Bird plush) Goddamn Angry Birds does!
(The title of The Angry Birds Movie is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): Based on the hit game from 2009, Angry Birds was a phenomenon that practically took over the world. (An image of Angry Birds merchandise is shown, as well as various video games) Everybody loved its simple premise, easy gameplay, and quirky style. So, of course, Sony leaped at the opportunity to make a film at the height of its popularity nine years later. Yeah. Nine years! What took them so long? Were they actually waiting for this to get nostalgic to cash in on it? Or, hey, maybe they just really wanted to get it right before unleashing their cinematic opus. Well, judging by what we got, Angry Birds probably spent as much time on its story as...
NC: ...well, Angry Birds. (Brief footage of the video game is shown)
NC (vo): It's remarkably lazy in so many ways, but apparently was still a big hit, even warranting a friggin' sequel. Why? Because to quote Friedrich Nietzsche, "God is dead, and you killed him...with Angry Birds."
NC: We never knew what he meant by that last part, but now we do.
NC (vo): Despite it making a ton of cash, there are so many critics and audience members that just hated this movie. Ever since it was announced, I had people asking me to review it, and ever since it came out, I had even more people asking me to review it. Sadly, it's both popular enough and bad enough to warrant attention.
NC: Let's take a look at what these birdbrains came up with. This is Angry Birds: The Movie.
(The movie starts with the main character, Red, running through the bird village while holding an egg)
NC (vo): So we start off this barrel of fresh ideas with the incredibly original opening of somebody running late. Well, if this fresh, new idea worked in (Posters and images of what he describes are all shown) Back to the Future, Green Lantern, Lilo & Stitch, Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Big Fat Liar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Alice in Wonderland, Tommy Boy, Cat Returns, Spider-Man 2, Brazil, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Gremlins, Mulan, and an anime trope so well known, there's countless images of people running late with toast in their mouths (one of the animes shown is Sailor Moon)...
NC: Why not one more?
NC (vo): This is Red, played by Jason Sudeikis, who's on his way to be a clown at a birthday party, but like I said, he arrives late. Or does he?
(Red arrives to the house of a bird named Edward to the hatchday party of the latter's son)
Red: I'm not late. Look at the time. See? The order said, "Before noon".
(Edward glances at his clock, which immediately strikes noon, with a cuckoo bird flying out)
Edward: Okay. Now you're late. You missed the party.
NC: So, wait. They said "Arrive before noon", it's noon, and the party's over? (Beat) Let me look at the script. (takes out a binder and looks in it to see a big caption "AW WHO CARES?!?" written by black marker all over the paper) Oh, wait, I'm sorry. These are the studio notes.
Red: I tried to keep my body between the ground and the box, but... No, I think I got a little bruise. (turns to show his behind to Edward's son, disgusting him) You see anything back there?
NC: Hmm. Don't know which one of these to go with. (Two captions appear to NC's sides: "Stranger Danger" and "A FAMILY picture") Why not both?
(The scene is replayed as both the captions appear, with "Stranger Danger" flashing and the siren blaring, and with NC saying "A FAMILY picture!" in a goofy voice)
NC (vo): Red finally loses his temper and smashes the cake into the parent's face.
(Fed up with Edward's asshole behavior, Red angrily throws the cake into his face)
Red: "Gluten-free cake". What the heck is gluten? I mean, does gluten even exist?
NC: (chuckles) Yeah... (abruply gets confused) What?
(Red turns back to leave, but slips on a squirrel and lands face first right into Edward and Eva's egg, cracking it open)
NC (vo): But he slips on a squirrel, destroying the egg behind him.
Red: (from inside the egg) Congrajulations! (Eva gasps) It's a boy!
NC: (shifts eyes nervously) Um, did we just witness a murder? What's his clown name? Pigeonwise? (A picture of Pennywise the clown from 2017's IT is shown with Red's face Photoshopped on it)
(We're shown Red going through his daily routine on Bird Island: standing in line, kicking out a bird that played football outside of his house, etc. But, in-beween that, we see Red's difficult childhood, when he was being mocked by his classmates, and his birth: he cracks his egg open by himself)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Red has some anger issues, as it confusingly cuts back and forth between him being a child and him being an adult, with literally no segue or reason. I didn't even notice it the first time.
NC: I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's not like it's showing him growing up, establishing who he is. It just kind of...randomly cuts to him as a kid.
NC (vo): We just cut to him as an adult, then a kid, then an adult, then him being...born.
NC: ...What the hell is the flow of conciousness here?!
NC (vo): In fact, the whole intro seems out of sequence. It says the title, then it says "the studios present", then it cuts to random points in his life in no particular order, like I said, ending with him being born. And then it cuts back to him with the family he visited! Absolutely none of it ties together. It's literally random scenes in random order. It makes no sense.
NC: And that was my review of Angry Birds. Oh, I'm sorry. Did my sloppy half-ass editing confuse you? Well, if someone can make 352 million dollars off of it, I might as well exploit it while skipping the tough parts, too!
(Edward and Eva accuse Red of their child's premature hatching happening because of him)
NC (vo): The parents take Red to trial because he was the first thing their child saw being hatched.
NC: Oh, by the way, you want to hear the weak-ass reason why they use slingshots in this movie instead of just flying?
Judge Peckinpah (Keegan Michael-Key): (to Red) Why don't birds fly? I'm gonna tell you why. Where else would we ever want to go? (laughs hysterically along with everyone in the court)
Red: Wow. Not a good joke.
NC: (hand on cheek) One of the many lines I don't think was in the script and was just the actors talking without knowing the microphone was on.
(Peckinpah faces Red menacingly, revealing himself to be pretty tall, but Red snatches Peckinpah's coat to discover he was standing on another bird)
NC (vo): This terrifying star of your nightmares tonight is a judge that sentences Red to anger management, but Red reveals the judge is just two birds to make him seem taller.
NC: What does this have to do with anything going, on even with the judge ignoring that reveal?
Judge Peckinpah: (getting up from the ground) Mr. Red, given the severity of the crimes...
NC: Look! The mime talked!
Mime Bird: Oh, my gosh...
(The mime's first appearance in the movie, Red punching him in the stomach in the beginning, is shown briefly)
NC (vo): We set him up for about two seconds, so this punchline really pays off.
NC: Hey, compared to the time they put in for the other jokes, two seconds is long!
Judge Peckinpah: (smiling deviously) Anger management class.
Red: (dissappointed) Aw. Pluck my life.
NC: (chuckles) He means the F-word, kids.
(Returning from the court, Red walks past the hug trader bird reaching his arms out, whose only goal is to be hugged)
Red: Nope.
(The hug trader sulks. NC just stares at his, poker-faced)
NC: Oh, I just left that pause, because I know you're laughing so hard at the idea of a bird not giving another bird a hug at the idea of a bird not giving another bird a hug. What? You're not laughing at that? Well, you should. It's repeated...
(All the instances of the hug trader reaching his arms out for a hug in the movie are shown)
NC (vo): ...all throughout the movie. I don't even think I really understood it the first time but the movie is telling me it's funny over and over, so I should leave the appropriate amount of space for laughter!
NC: Is it too late to get that creepy girl from Hereditary in this?
(The clip from the film Hereditary is shown, showing the girl named Charlie beheading a bird, again, with Red's face Photoshopped. Back in the movie, Red walks up to the anger management class. In front of it, there is a wooden bird that is holding a moving sign that says "Be Happy", "Smile" and "Welcome Angry Birds" and makes sounds that annoy Red)
NC (vo): Eh, it's been a while since something unfunny happened...actually, no, it hasn't, but here's another one anyway.
(Irritated, Red jumps at the sign and fights it)
NC (vo; chuckling sarcastically): He's attacking a sign he doesn't like!
NC: I guess this could be humorous if anybody acted like they cared about anything.
NC (vo): That's probably the biggest problem I get throughout this entire film. Look at this slapstick. There's energy, but no creativity to it. Look at these expressions. They're big, but nothing clever is being done with them.
(After Red enters the house belonging to a white bird Matilda, he meets his classmates: a yellow bird Chuck and a black bird Bomb. Chuck demonstrates every dancer pose he learned by the moment in high speed)
Chuck: Parrot! Peacock! Warrior! Mountain! Tree! Rabbit! Fish! Locust! King pigeon!
NC (vo): Even the performances, particularly from our lead, all sound like they just took the first take and never asked for another. It sounds unbelievably like autopilot.
Red: (observing the sculptures at Matilda's, starting with two birds hugging) Okay, I guess that's art. (goes to the second one: four birds hugging) That's garbage. (looks at the third one: a huge pile of hugging birds) And that's...exotic.
NC: Everybody feels like they're just doing the bare minimum. Sometimes, not even that.
NC (vo): Maya Rudolf plays the same smiling weirdo she always does, Josh Gad plays the same hyper-dummy he always does, and I don't really remember what character Danny McBride usually has, which is fitting because I don't really remember what character he's supposed to have here either.
NC: I guess he just blows.
(Not turning his head, he reaches his hand for a high-five...and Deadpool (Jim) rises out to slap NC's hand, then goes down. NC gets puzzled)
NC: What are you doing down there?
Deadpool: (off-screen) Exactly what you think I'm doing down here. (NC wonders about what Deadpool just said)
NC (vo): Believe it or not, there is an actual funny moment when they reveal why everybody is there at anger management. And one of them is so bad, they can't even say it out loud.
(Announcing the problems each one of her students have, Matilda passes over to a huge red bird named Terence and looks at him in horror. As the camera zooms in to Terence, a police siren and sounds of crashing are heard)
Matilda: (nervously) Terence, uh...seems to have had an... (closes Terence's file and puts it away) incident.
NC: We never find out what he did. It's left entirely to the imagination!
NC (vo): And what makes this even funnier? Sean Penn plays this part. And what makes this even funnier is he never says a word! He just groans!
(Terence growls at Red)
NC: (pleasantly amazed) How the hell did we get a joke that works on three different levels in a movie where the jokes don't even work on one level?!
NC (vo): Was there just a day where really good writers were brought in for, like, two seconds?
(Cut to a skit where three writers (Rob, Tamara and Jim) are typing on a laptop together, each in a exaggerated way. A studio executive (Malcolm) watches this with great relish)
Malcolm: Okay, you're the finest writers in Hollywood. We need some really good jokes for our movie.
Tamara: Oh, we already wrote one while you were talking.
Malcolm: Oh, I guess that's why you're the best in town.
Tamara: Oh, what is this movie called, by the way?
Malcolm: Angry Bir- You're already gone, aren't you?
(Sure enough, all three writers have vanished)
Malcolm: Yeah. Well, at least we got one joke out of it. Mmm, back to our usual writer.
(The writer from before that shot the Muse (Doug) comes to a laptop and...pees on it)
Malcolm: ...It's a pleasure watching you work.
Doug: Gonna need some Mexican food to do the sequel.
(Malcolm mouths "okay", thumbs up and continues watching gleefully. Back to the movie)
Matilda: Tell us your story, Bomb.
Bomb: Well, sometimes, when I get upset, I...literally blow up, okay? I explode like a bomb.
NC (vo): Yeah, remember that level in Angry Birds where they just sat around and did therapy?
NC: They were trying new ideas, like what Mario did. (Beat) In fact, that might actually be a Mario game. (A fake box art for Super Nintendo game Mario Therapy is shown)
Chuck: (excitedly) Do it!
Bomb: No can do. I just went boom-boom before class.
NC: (smiling widely) POOP!
(As it comes to an evening, Red goes back to his house, and Chuck and Bomb follow him)
NC (vo): The other birds want to hang out with Red, but he gives them the cold shoulder.
Bomb: (getting sad) I'm busy, too.
Red: You're not good at this, buddy. It's-It's charming up to a point, and now it's just sad.
NC: Again, I'm pretty sure he was just talking about the script.
(Once again, Red walks past the hug trader bird and rejects his offers)
NC (vo): Let's do that incredible hug joke again!
Red: Nuh-uh. No means no. (The hug trader sulks again)
NC: You know, there's running jokes, and then, there's "Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be there for the marathon! Yeah, I'm definitely gonna train so hard! Yeah, I'm definitely gonna show my support! Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be there... Eh, I'll just donate to the cause"... jokes.
(In his house, Red looks at the poster of his childhood hero, the Mighty Eagle, and we flash back to his childhood, the moment when his class visits the Eagle's statue)
NC (vo): Give them credit, at least this random cut to his childhood includes bad exposition.
Little Red: When's Mighty Eagle gonna come back?
Girl Bird 1: Didn't your parents ever tell you Mighty Eagle isn't real?
Girl Bird 2: Shh. He doesn't have parents.
NC: (as the girl bird) They were killed in the great Disney genocide of dramatic convenience.
(A ship docks at the island's shore, and its rock anchor destroys part of Red's house, to the latter's horror)
NC (vo): But trouble is on the literal horizon, as a ship full of pigs arrives, destroying Red's house. Well, more...damages the side of it, because destroying the whole thing would be funnier, and Lord knows we can't have that in the movie!
(A plump green pig named Leonard comes out of the ship, along with his assistant pig, Ross, who gets caughts in the escalator)
Leonard (Bill Hader): Greetings! We saw your island across the sea and we thought..."I wonder what they're up to?" (eats the lollipop he was holding)
NC: These things look like...
NC (vo): ...the Minions banged whatever animal died to give us green eggs and ham.
NC: Except we had the luxury of that meat being dead.
Stella (Kate McKinnon): There's no other place besides here.
Leonard: We call it...Piggy Island!
(The birds gasp in awe)
Mime Bird: Oh, my gosh...
NC: (covering his forehead with both hands in total exhaustion) You know, this movie would be half the length if they didn't keep repeating the same goddamn jokes.
(Ross runs to the crowd of birds to hug Stella, but turns back after facing the hug trader bird)
NC (vo): What, did you run out of the bad hugging jokes? Uh, no, you still slipped in that gem again.
NC: (waves off, chuckling) Oh, that relatable "nobody wants to hug me" humor! In the industry, we call that "the Iggy Pop".
(Leonard, Ross, and multiple other small pigs are happily greeted on the island, and the birds throw a party in their honor. Red, however, gets suspicious of them)
NC (vo): The birds welcome the pigs, but Red doesn't trust them because they destroyed his house. At least, that's how it's...supposed to come across, but honestly, it sounds more like he has some deep-seated racism with other cultures.
Red: They don't have feathers?
Leonard: Our king sends his warmest regards.
Red: King?
Leonard: How do the friendship between the pigs and the birds start?
Red: Who cares?!
(Huge flames erupt out of the stage after Leonard says the pigs will light up the night, and all but Red are amazed)
Red: (to Chuck) Hey, look. They destroyed more of the stuff we worked hard to build. (in a later scene) Hey, if you got the night off, why don't you fix my house?
NC: (as Red, crosses arms) Well, their religion better not be different from ours! Everyone knows there's just one (picture of...) Gatchaman.
(The pigs demonstrate the gifts for the birds)
Leonard: Your friends, the pigs, proudly give you... (A giant slingshot is unveiled) "The Slingshot"!
NC (vo; as Leonard): We present to you a flimsy pretext to make a game not meant to be a movie seemed like it was meant to be a movie!
NC: Don't worry. By the end, you'll all see this as a weapon of mass destruction.
(Red, Chuck and Bomb sneak onto the pigs' ship and discover there are more of them inside)
NC (vo): So Red sneaks into the pigs' boat and finds...
NC: ...Little Green Men from Toy Story?
(The "Oooooh!" sound the Little Green Men from Toy Story franchise make is heard as the minion pigs laugh. Cut to an earlier scene, when Chuck glances at the book named "Fifty Shades of Green" and grimaces in disgust)
NC (vo): By the way, why do I get the feeling this book on the pigs' boat is just a variation of this? (A photo of a bound pig is shown)
(The three return to the party)
Red: I snuck onto their boat.
NC (vo): He (Red) confronts the pigs about their being even more of them, as well as the strange devices he doesn't recognize.
Red: Any questions?
(Red throws the plunger he found into a pig's chest. Another pig takes out another plunger and puts it into his fellow pig's chest, and the latter poses playfully. In the background, Chuck and Bomb seem to be actually enjoying this)
NC: (aghast, shakes head) Nobody needs that in their lives! (quietly, in horror) Nobody needs that in their lives...
Leonard: My cousins are simple folk. (comes up to a small pig) Watch. A, B, C... (After a pause, a pig doesn't say anything and just sticks his tongue out) Nothing. See? Nothing.
NC: (giving up) Well. That was amazing. That was actually goddamn amazing. You could literally put anything there, and it would have gotten the laugh, but you decided to go with nothing, so you get nothing.
NC (vo): Literally any joke could have worked here. Watch!
Leonard: A, B, C...
NC: (as a pig) Four!
Leonard: A, B, C...
NC: (as a pig) Cabbage.
Leonard: A, B, C...
Announcer: JOHN CENA!!! (All of a sudden, the famous snippet of the introduction of a WWE wrestler is shown)
NC: Okay, maybe not any joke.
(We're shown that the next morning, the pigs have successfully adjusted to the birds' society)
NC (vo): The leader says his cousins weren't smart, so he wanted to be sure it was a safe place before he revealed them. The birds believe him, and everybody celebrates with not the worst pig jokes ever written, but... What the hell am I comparing it to? Yeah, these are the worst pig jokes ever written.
Leonard: (at the party) That was Pig Latin.
Red: (seeing a pig helping an elderly bird cross the road, carrying her on his shoulders) Piggyback rides?
Pig: (posing with other two pigs and Stella for a selfie) Instaham!
NC: Somebody needs to be punished, and with sharp things.
(Leonard sees somebody's nest with an egg)
NC (vo): Speaking of pig puns, I think I can come up with a few more after this disturbingly confusing subtext.
Stella: That's how our children are born. You guys don't lay eggs?
Leonard: I...wish we did.
(We are shown Leonard's imagine spot with him having a romantic picnic with an egg, as the song "They Long to Be (Close to You)" by The Carpenters plays in the background)
Leonard: (to an egg) Enchante. (throws a bottle of wine away)
NC: Yyyyeahhh... How about...
NC (vo): ..."Pigofile"? "Pigger Ass"? "Pederham"? "Bacongenerate"? "Hog Deviant"? "Stein Offender"?
NC: I could think of more, but I don't want to think of this in general!
NC (vo): The pigs are actually intending to eat them...
(NC stares in disapproval. A clip from The Great Muppet Caper is shown)
Fozzie Bear: Shame on you!
NC (vo): But nobody seems to catch on to that, except for Red, who everybody continues to mock.
Judge Peckinpah: Continue the tour!
Stella: (leaves with Peckinpah and the pigs) So, get ready to hang loose.
Leonard: (to Red) That went well...if you're me. (oinks)
Red: (scoffs) Dummy.
NC: Whoa. I-I-I mean, wow! I-I ju... I-I couldn't write a line like that! I mean, that's ingenious! I can't... How long did it take them to put that together?! Good Lord, that... That's, like, the greatest insult since...
(Cut to a clip from The Spirit)
Silken Floss: What other box, you fart?!
NC: Ghost of Don Rickles, I think we found your replacement!
(We go to a commercial)
NC: (vo) So Red gets the idea to find Mighty Eagle, so he can stop the pig's evil plan. Rrrright before a confusing out of nowhere fantasy the other birds have about him.
(The camera zooms in on Chuck, while an echoing voice screams 'Mighty Eagle'. In his fantasy sequence Chuck sees the Eagle doing a dance party on top of a cheering crowd of birds, dressed as a cowboy and focussing on his shaking butt before the camera goes up to his muscular torso and face)
Mighty Eagle: Peeck-a-boo!
NC: (weirded out about the fantasy) OK, äh, Josh GAD. I never thought I said that, but (pictures of Chuck, Olaf from Frozen, LeFou from Beauty and the Beast (2017) and Louis from Ice Age 4 are shown) you really get typecast as kids films characters who need to come out of the closet.
NC: (vo) While climbing the mountains, imagining what the Eagle's battlecry is like, they thankfully cast aside the obnoxious annoying writing and dive directly into obnoxious annoying sounds.
Chuck: What would a Mighty Eagle battlecry sound like?
(We are then treated with several scenes of Chuck and Bomb doing annoying screams of what they think the Eagle'S battlecry souunds like while they walk over plains, drive down a stream, jump between hills and take shelter from an avalanche)
NC: (waves his hand) Why torture your intellect, when mere earbleeding is more than enough?
(Scenes of Chuch and Bomb doing annoying screams continue while the birds are climbing a mountain)
NC: You paid to see this, filks. Could have used that money to buy a collection of (vo, shows fake cover of) 'Barn Animals Bonking Themselves To Death', but instead you went with this. (Cut back to NC whit the early plaid scene from Angry Birds and the fake DVD cover) To their credit, both of them sound very similar, but there is some joy (Points at the fake DVD cover) to this.
NC: (vo) They get to where the eagle lives and decide to take a swim in his pool. And again, we partake in a fascinatingly botched joke. Two of them taking along time swimming in the pool in slow-mo, only to have the eagle come out and take his daily piss in it.
(The camera focuses on the piss of the Eagle flowing into the sea, and sometimes cuts to our protagonists watching in shock realising what this means, while the Eagles loud yawning can be heard)
NC: OK, so bad enough (shows the scene)they hold uncomfortably long on that piss taking - (cut back to NC) only geniuses steal from (shows scene from) Norm of the North
NC: (vo) But if this joke was gonna work - and that is a big goddamn if - they should show them in the pool while he was pissing and Red tries to warn them on what's going on. Then the slow-mo would make sense. We would want it to go slower to soak up, so to speak, the humor of the situation. Here, it's just slow-mo for no reason, dragging out what isn't set up propperly yet. Again, every joke seems weirdly backwards. I expect to see one of them (shows the flower shop scene from The Room)in a flower shop saying 'That's me.'
NC: But that couldn't happen because that film made me laugh!