The Amazing Spider-Man and Captain America in Dr. Doom's Revenge!
March 5, 2012
Personally I think we should have given the sanctions against Dr. Doom more time.
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. We've covered a lot of tie-in comics around here, from adaptations of movies to books supposedly working in the same fictional universe. (a shot of the cover of "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #1" is superimposed briefly) Some worse than others.
(A montage of shots of tie-in comics are shown, starting with the aforementioned "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #1",)
Linkara (v/o): However, I don't think we've covered the topic of comic tie-ins to games that truly are meant to tie in the story.
(Cut to shots of a comic called "Atari Force")
Linkara (v/o): The closest I can think of would be "Atari Force" from the first live show, but I have no idea if what happens in those comics actually does affect certain Atari games.
(Cut to a shot of the cover of today's comic: "The Amazing Spider-Man and Captain America in: Dr. Doom's Revenge!")
Linkara (v/o): However, today's comic is tied into a specific game of the same name: "Dr. Doom's Revenge", although technically the full title is "The Amazing Spider-Man and Captain America in: Dr. Doom's Revenge!", but I like the better acronym for "Dr. Doom's Revenge" being "DDR".
(Cut to a clip of Ninja-Style Dancer dancing to Aqua's "Cartoon Heroes (Speedy Remix)", then cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): And that's pretty much why. "Dr. Doom's Revenge" is a side-scrolling DOS game made in 1989. I was going to play the game and do some comparing to the game's plot or stuff like that, buuuut...
(Cut to a clip of the game, showing Captain America battling a robot, in that very slow 1980s computer game way)
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, I don't think I'll be doing that. Supposedly, the comic is the prequel to the game, so we shouldn't need any background information on this one.
Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Dr. Doom's Revenge" and see what he's getting his revenge for exactly.
(AT4W title sequence plays; title card has the title music from the game playing in the background. Cut to a shot of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, the title actually kind of confuses me; doesn't "Dr. Doom's Revenge" imply the sequel to some event? Something he wants revenge for? Ah, whatever. The cover is decent, if a little sparse on top. We needed to make room for the wall of text. (announcer voice) Our weather today is partly cloudy with lemonade in the afternoon and a chance of logos. Dr. Doom is menacingly drawn over the heroes, classic symbolism, though I love Captain America's gestures here. I'm sure he's supposed to be giving thumbs up to Spider-Man, but I can't help but think he's going, "Hey, get a load of this guy!"
(The comic opens to the first page)
Linkara (v/o): We open in Latveria, where Dr. Doom is just crossing his arms and standing on his little patio, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm awesome. Dr. Doom, baby."
Narrator: Latveria. This Eastern European nation is ruled by the iron fist of this man... DR. DOOM!
Linkara: (as narrator) Not ruled by Dr. Doom himself, mind you, just his fist. He was kind of drunk when he wrote the constitution.
Narrator: Now, Doom has stolen the ultimate weapon. Let the world beware!
(Cut to a panel of "Amazons Attack #3", showing Batman)
Batman: (audio from review) A deadly bee weapon...
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): What is this "ultimate weapon"? Well, from the looks of it, it's a giant missile.
(Cut to the MST3K gang watching Danger! Death Ray)
Mike: Sure, it's phallic. Why wouldn't it be?
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): We cut to New York City, where Captain America is stopping a truck hijacking.
Hijacker: It's ten against one! He doesn't stand a chance.
Linkara: (scoffs) Captain America fought Nazis. You can have a hundred-to-one advantage, and I'd still put my money on him.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the numbers game starts decreasing rapidly as Cap knocks out some goons. One guy behind him tries to shoot him, but is stopped by Spider-Man's webs. Spidey chases after some goons who have inexplicably fled to a rooftop while Cap goes after some guys on the street.
Goon: Come on! Push! We can hit Cap with this thing...
Linkara: (as goon, pretending to push, but to no avail) It's really hard to push, almost as if it's a bunch of bricks cemented together and attached to a rooftop. Thus, trying to push it over is really kind of a dumb plan, especially since there's no guarantee that Captain America will be standing directly underneath it! (scowls, then grunts a bit)
Linkara (v/o): Apparently, the chimney is actually made of rubber, since it bends before Spidey just smashes it in half without any difficulty. Yeah, that makes sense. Spidey has other problems, though, because one of the criminals busts open a crate which contains a sonic blaster! He avoids the blast, and Cap tosses his shield, knocking out not only the guy with the blaster, but another nearby goon in the process!
Background singers: (from Team America: World Police) America, fuck yeah!
Linkara (v/o): The two shake hands, and Cap offers Spidey a lift since it's going to start raining. And as we saw when Captain America was fighting the Asthma Monster, he's still driving around in his A-Team van.
(Cut to a clip of the Captain America TV show)
Acquaintance of Steve Rogers: Pretty mellow set of wheels.
Steve Rogers (Reb Brown): Yeah.
Linkara: (as Captain America, holding Cap's shield) You know, Spider-Man, it's funny. Most people are frightened when I invite them to get into my van.
Linkara (v/o): While in the Van of America, Cap decides to look up and see if the hijackers were part of any known terrorist or criminal gang.
Spider-Man: Ah, just the thing for today's on-the-go hero--a portable computer!
Linkara: (as Captain America) A computer (pronounces it "com-POOT-or"), you say? What sorcery is this?
Linkara (v/o): I know they probably needed to spell that one out since this is 1989, but that's just such an awkward thing to say that you'd think the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids would jump out and start talking about that laptop. Anyway, they don't seem to be linked to anybody, but then something else comes up.
Captain America: There's an electronic message on my bulletin board!
Linkara: (as Spider-Man) An urgent message on your bulletin board? What does it say? (as Captain America, holding his shield and pretending to type on a computer) It seems that the second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation is going to end on a clip show!
Linkara (v/o): No, it's that Dr. Doom has stolen a missile. They specify what kind, but I don't recognize it, so I'm going to guess it's bad, since they say the prefix "thermo-". And he's planning to use it to blackmail the U.S. Government. Cap is quickly on the phone to call for help.
Captain America: But I can't get a hold of the Avengers... or the Fantastic Four!
Linkara: (as Captain America, still holding his shield in one hand and a cell phone in the other, holding it to his ear) Ugh, it's like being on hold with Sprint customer service. (looks at phone) I'M IN A HURRY HERE!
Linkara (v/o): Spidey volunteers to help.
Narrator: Captain America's only response-- is to turn on the engine and floor the accelerator!
Linkara: (as narrator) Which lasts all of five seconds before he has to brake again because of New York traffic.
Linkara (v/o): They head into the secret regional headquarters for the National Security Council, who are happy to see Cap, but not so much Spidey.
Guard: Don't some people consider him an outlaw?
Captain America: I don't. I'd trust him with my life!
Spider-Man: Besides--I'm the only one available!
Linkara: (as Spider-Man) And I'm sure the Avengers are doing something really important right now.
(Suddenly, two more versions of Linkara appear, one holding Thor's hammer and the other wearing Iron Man's face helmet)
Linkara: (as Thor) Verily, this show about ponies is quite entertaining!
Linkara (v/o): Undersecretary of Defense Ralston still says that Spidey should leave. However, he's interrupted by a call from his boss, President Bush.
Bush: If Captain America vouches for him, that's good enough for me.
Linkara (v/o): They brief the two heroes on Doom is where keeping the missile. You know, if he only has the one missile, you could probably just special forces to take him out. Do you really need two superheroes for this?
(Cut to a clip of Saturday Night Live, showing President George H. W. Bush (played by Dennis Quaid))
Bush: None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in-chief, I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): An hour later, the two are put into a supersonic aircraft... that remarkably not aerodynamic enough for supersonic flight... and head towards Latveria. However, Dr. Doom has already detected them.
Dr. Doom: Spider-Man and Captain America are greater fools than I had imagined!
Linkara: (as Dr. Doom, with his hands on his hips) I am Doom. I automatically know who is coming to thwart my plans.
Linkara (v/o): He launches missiles at the craft and... destroys it.
Linkara: Huh. Okay, if the twist of the game is that they're actually ghosts haunting Dr. Doom, I may want to change my mind about not playing it.
Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, twenty miles away at a roadblock, a man is stopped by the Latverian military. He claims he's only trying to sell carpets so he can feed his family, but they discover that he's secretly smuggling in...
Guard 1: --Rock and roll compact discs! Such decadent trash is not allowed in Latveria!
Linkara: Wait, Dr. Doom hates rock 'n' roll? Who would have figured that that would be the trait that he shared with Batman?
Guard 2: How shameful! But we will be forgiving! We will keep the forbidden fruit--for our trouble...
Linkara: (as this guard, looking at some CDs and holding up his hand) Oh, wait, these are Nightcat CDs. You can keep them.
Linkara (v/o): However, farther inside the border, it turns out Spidey and Cap were underneath the man's truck the whole time. Um... Ow. That must've hurt like hell. It turns out that the supersonic aircraft was a decoy and only had robots inside of it. The two quickly head for Doom's castle, but the good doctor has already spotted them on his security cameras. He's unconcerned, though.
Dr. Doom: (thinking) Even if the fools get through the deathtraps in my woods-- my "Doom's Brigade" will take care of them once they reach the castle!
Linkara: (as Dr. Doom, massaging his head) Ugh, I spent 20 million on a marketing team for my elite group, and the best they could come up with was "Doom's Brigade".
Linkara (v/o): Doom's Brigade, it turns out, is a collection of Spider-Man and Captain America villains. Oh, come on now! That's just incredibly convenient! What the hell would he have done if it had turned out to be Iron Man and the Hulk coming to take him down? Anyway, the villains have grown restless and they're now fighting amongst themselves. Really, it's just a chance for each villain to introduce themselves and of course, the dialogue is clumsily executed when they're not saying who they are.
Grey Gargoyle: Hah! Now that I've stunned you with this chair I turned to stone, Rhino--I'll next turn you to stone with but a touch!
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies)
Crow: Let's tell each other what we're gonna before we do it and then do it!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Dr. Doom is not amused by this tomfoolery and gets them to stop by sending out pink energy from his hands that lifts them all into the air.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers)
Zordon: Too much pink energy is dangerous.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Wait a damn minute! If he can do that, why the hell does he need any of these guys?! He can just walk up to Cap and Spidey, incapacitate them with the power of pink, and bam! End of threat! Outside, night has fallen and the two heroes continue their approach on the tower. However, automated guns pop up and start shooting at them. However, after disposing of the guns...
Captain America: Coils--sprung out of ground--! Crushing-- me--!
Linkara: (clutching at the temples in his head) Two muscle-bound superheroes in tight clothes... and tentacles. I don't even have to make a joke at this point. You're all doing it right now on your own.
Linkara (v/o): Spidey manages to rip the tentacles out of the ground and destroy them.
Captain America: Whew! Th-Thanks, friend. I thought I'd had it.
Spider-Man: (thinking) "Friend?!" He does like me!
Linkara: (as Spider-Man, acting girlishly giddy) Oh, my God! Captain America is gonna ask me to the homecoming dance!
Linkara (v/o): That celebration doesn't last long, however, as Doom unleashes robot troops on them.
(Cut to a clip of Spider-Man: The Animated Series)
Spider-Man: Robots... I hate robots!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Doom contacts President Bush again and states that even if the two get past his defenses, he can still launch the missile, so he'd better surrender the United States to him.
Linkara: (as President Bush) Hmm, mass surrender the country to him; I can retire early. And get Friday off.
Linkara (v/o): Back with the heroes, they manage to take out a bunch of the robots, but decide on a new strategy.
Spider-Man: I'll go high--
Captain America: --and I'll go low!
Linkara: And because I don't know where Latveria sits in Europe, I'm not sure which of you two gets to Scotland before the other.
Linkara (v/o): With the robots vanquished, they decide to split up and head into the castle from different ways, hoping that they'll have a better chance of stopping the missile. And so, our comic ends with Dr. Doom unleashing his vaunted brigade upon them, promising that even if they don't stop the heroes, HE WILL STILL TRIUMPH!
Narrator: And now... it's your turn, game-player! The fates of Spidey, Cap--and America are in YOUR HANDS!
Linkara: All righty, you heard the narrator! LET'S PLAY THIS!
(A clip of the game is displayed, showing Spider-Man battling Machete)
Linkara: (rubbing his temples) Yyyyeah, I think America is doomed. Sorry. Anyway, I feel I owe you guys an apology. (holds up comic uncomfortably) This comic does not really suck at all, and I promised you last week that we'd be looking at something dumb.
Linkara (v/o): I should've taken a closer look at this thing before I scheduled it. I just assumed that because it was a tie-in with Paragon Software, that it would be some promotional crap like "The Tandy Computer Whiz Kids". Sure, this comic has some headscratching moments here and there, but it's not offensive or stupid or anything. It's actually pretty decent for what it is, with some pretty good action.
Linkara: I especially feel bad since this is supposed to be a show about bad comics, and yet, this year, we've had either had okay comics or "so bad, it's good" material. I mean, when was the last truly awful comic I reviewed?
(A shot of the cover of "Youngblood #4" is displayed briefly)
Linkara: Besides that. On the same day I reviewed another okay comic?
(A shot of the cover of "Marville #1" is shown)
Linkara: Okay, that's a good answer. Still, we need to get this show back on track. Next week, I promise, something abso-friggin'-lutely horrible! (sets down comic, gets up and leaves)
(End credits roll)
The game is also available on Amiga and Commodore 64. While those greatly improve the music of the game, the gameplay seems to be pretty much the same.
Sooo, one missile is all it takes to completely take over the United States? Must be one hell of a missile, otherwise if he did launch it, the thousands of missiles the USA has in response would probably turn Latveria into a crater.
(Stinger: Another clip of the game is shown, showing a fight between Captain America and Rhino)