The Amazing Spider-Man 2
April 1, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed. Then we cold-open on a shot of the Amazing Spider-Man 2 poster)
Announcer (Malcolm): The review for the worst Spider-Man movie ever made...has been cancelled. (The word "CANCELLED" appears on the screen in red) I'm sure you understand. (The image fades to black) Please enjoy this replacement as your feature presentation.
(To the opening theme for The Room, we are treated to a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge. Then the screen cuts to black as the title The Room is displayed, followed by the phrase "Now on DVD". Suddenly, the camera pulls away from the screen, revealing that it's on a spaceship, a la Toonami. Then we cut to T.O.M., the Toonami host, sitting in his seat)
T.O.M. (voiced by Malcolm): Oh, hi, NC fans. We got the results of the test back. You definitely have April Fools. While a few things will be different for the time being, it's business as usual with a new Nostalgia Critic every week. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the end of Spider-Month. I love this job.
(The "Spider-Month" title is displayed on one of T.O.M.'s screens. Then the Spider-Month title sequence plays, set, as always, to the tune of the old Spider-Man cartoon show of the '60s)
NC (vo; singing):
- ♫ Thank God we're done with Spider-Month ♫
- ♫ Doing this song has really sucked ass ♫
- ♫ Did we ever rhyme it once? ♫
- ♫ Nope, just own it, and be a dunce ♫
(A shot of Baby Yoda from The Mandalorian is shown before cutting back to NC in the Spider-Man costume)
- ♫ Oh, fuck! Let's never do this agaaaain! ♫
(The word "Spider-Month" is displayed, ending the title sequence, and then we come to NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so– (Suddenly, the image freezes and distorts. The wall turns a different shade of color (more yellowish), stunning NC) The hell just happened?!
(Cut through static to Doctor "Olivia Octavius" Octopus (played by Tamara), who takes off her goggles and cackles)
Doc Ock: I've done it!
NC: Doc Ock?
Doc Ock: I've crossed dimensions to finally get my revenge on Spider-Man.
NC: Well...that's not cool. You messed up my location! (gestures to wall behind him with thumb) Do you know how crazy people get if that backdrop changes?!
Doc Ock: Silence!
NC: (hanging head) Okay...
Doc Ock: According to my calculations, Spider-Man should be in the corner of your office right...now.
(NC looks over toward the corner of his office, only to find nothing)
NC: Ha! Wrong there, Doc Schlock!
Doc Ock: Oh, wait, he's just a hint over.
(NC again looks over toward the corner of his office. This time, Spider-Man, presumably played by Rob Walker, is in fact sitting there)
NC: Oh, yeah, that checks out.
Doc Ock: Perfect! Torture him with all your might.
NC: Dude! I'm not doing that! I've a review to film and get in the way!
Doc Ock: Yeah! Just do your review exactly as planned!
NC: (confused) What? Wh-Why would that torture him?
Doc Ock: Because I can never capture the actual Spider-Man, so I just made a humanized version of The Amazing Spider-Man 2.
NC: (even more confused) What? He's the humanized version of Amazing Spider-Man 2?
Spider-Man: (voiced by Malcolm, speaking in a squeaky voice) We're gonna have so many sequels, this will be the best start to a cinematic universe yet.
NC: Oh, now I get it. Hats off, this is very evil.
Doc Ock: I know. Just review the film normally, and I'll finally have my revenge on Spider-Man.
NC: You mean the humanized version of The Amazing Spider-Man 2?
Doc Ock: That's 15 syllables. Spi...der...Man... That's three. So much easier.
NC: I didn't think of it that way. I'm sorry.
Doc Ock: I accept your apology.
NC: After that, (gestures toward wall behind him with thumb) can you put my universe back the way it was?
Doc Ock: (cackles) We'll see what happens.
NC: Oh, right, we'll (makes "finger quotes") "see what happens".
(Doc Ock's screen cuts off through static. NC turns to look at Spider-Man, who speaks to him)
Spider-Man: So I'm a big hit, right? Everybody loves me?
NC: Sit down.
Spider-Man: I am sitting down.
NC: Sit down in a more depressing way. (Spider-Man puts his hand to his cheek) That'll do.
(The title for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is shown, followed by snippets of it)
NC (vo): After the respectable success of Amazing Spider-Man, it seemed like Sony had a reboot that could possibly get some traction. So, what did they do? (Shots of titles of movie universes are superimposed: Dark Universe, Ghost Corps, DC Universe) What every idiot studio at the time did: they tried creating a cinematic universe! 2014's Amazing Spider-Man 2 was supposed to be the start of several spin-off movies, as well as at least two more sequels. This meant they didn't need those pesky writers who combined social stress and psychological pain with epically fantastic elements. That's not what Spider-Man is, stupid! No, no, bring in the dicks who did (Shots of the following appears off to the side...) the Transformer films, Legend of Zorro, and nailed their own cinematic universe with The Mummy. And let me tell you, this feels like a script from the dicks who did the Transformer films, The Legend of Zorro, and Dark Universe's part one of one! While Spider-Man 3 certainly did a lot of wrong, it at least felt contained in the same universe as the other two. This one feels like five different styles from five different movies, and none of them I want to see have a cinematic universe. So, how could a more gritty and down-to-earth Spider-Man go to the only Spider-Man movie to get a "rotten" score on Rotten Tomatoes? (An image of this movie's score on Rotten Tomatoes is displayed: 51%)
Spider-Man: (to NC, clutching at his own head) The only one to get a "rotten" score?
NC: Yeah, but that's just from people who like movies.
Spider-Man: That doesn't help.
NC: Okay, it's from people who hate movies.
Spider-Man: That's somehow worse.
NC: Okay, just shut up, do as I say, and we'll get through this, all right?
Spider-Man: Hey, that's what we were told everyday on set.
NC: (looking back into camera) Let's wrap up Spider-Month with The Amazing Spider-Man 2.
(The film starts off with the same scene from the first film, showing Peter Parker's parents taking Peter to Aunt May and Uncle Ben, before departing mysteriously)
NC (vo): The film opens with Peter's parents leaving him with his aunt and uncle after their house is broken into.
NC: (looking at his script) Oh, sorry, that was the first movie. Let me try this again. (clears throat)
NC (vo): The film opens with Peter's parents leaving him with his aunt and uncle after their house is broken into.
NC: (scratching neck) Yeah, we kind of already know this. Next, you're gonna remind us that they died in a plane crash.
(They do indeed, as when Richard and Mary Parker (Campbell Scott and Embeth Davidtz) are flying in a private jet, an assassin hijacks the plane and tries to kill them. They fight him off, only, in the struggle, for the plane to crash and kill them)
NC: You have 80 million subplots in this; we don't need a...
(As the scene replays, the Spider-Man cartoon title is shown in the corner)
NC (vo; announcer voice): ..."Previously on Spider-Man..."! (normal) I mean, didn't it go without saying they were murdered and didn't die in an accident?
NC: Although, given their response time, maybe it was just incompetence.
Richard: (to Mary) We'll be all right, okay? Will you listen to me?
(Suddenly, he is attacked from behind by the hijacker)
NC (vo; as Richard): Nice warning, honey. A "Behind you!" would have been nice.
(As they struggle over the computer containing a video message about the Parkers' disappearance, the assailant loses his grip on the computer and flies out of the plane to his doom. Then, as the plane continues plummeting out of control, Richard turns on the computer and uploads the video)
NC (vo; as Richard): Ha-ha, too late! The shitty script's uploaded! They're gonna make a movie out of this turd!
(There is one last shot of the plummeting plane)
NC (vo): After that wasted seven minutes...which doesn't sound too bad, but trust me, you'll wish they used it more wisely...we see Spider-Man, played again by Andrew Garfield, giving some pretty kick-ass swinging scenes.
(As he swings through the city (from an unusual upward shot up his stomach for some reason), Spider-Man whoops with delight)
NC: I'm glad they finally hold on those shots long enough, as it's the closest I've ever felt in any of these movies to feeling like I'm swinging in the air.
(Spider-Man's first appearance in the film is shown with him spending a day fighting crime, including chasing after a Russian-hired killer named Aleksei Sytsevich)
NC (vo): They're really well done and deserve a lot of attention. The film also appears to be more colorful and lively compared to the last one, with a new, good-looking spider suit, plenty of bright imagery, and a pretty fun action sequence stopping the Rhino, played by a completely wasted Paul Giamatti...
NC: (shaking head) No, not just underutilized. (makes a drinking motion) I think he was legit wasted!
(A montage of Aleksei/Rhino's scenes is shown)
Aleksei Sytsevich/Rhino: Say hello to Aleksei Sytsevich! / (covered in spider webs) This is not end, Spider! / I AM THE RHINO! / HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Cut to a brief clip of Sideways)
Miles Raymond (Giamatti): There was a tasting last night, yes.
(Cut back to Amazing Spider-Man 2)
NC (vo): ...who's robbing precious cargo.
Spider-Man: (clinging to the truck door and peering in through the window) Hey, my name is Spider-Man. You can call me "Web-Head", you can call me "Amazing". (Aleksei tries to punch Spider-Man, who dodges out of the way, then hangs his head down in front of the window again, upside-down this time, to continue) Not a taker?
NC: (shrugs) While this is a legit funny moment, let's cut to all the lives he could have saved...
NC (vo): ...if he wasn't doing his "Comedy Store" routine.
(The number 1 appears in the corner as the truck crashes through several parked cars down the street. The number rapidly climbs with each crash, ending in a police car pile-up as the number reaches 14, after the words "FUCK IT!!!")
NC (vo): One-liners are fine, but save people first!
(Amid the people running around, one man, Max Dillon (played by Jamie Foxx), stands in the middle of the street, looking confused as he holds rolls of blueprints under his arm)
Spider-Man: (swinging in) Heads up, watch out!
(He pulls Max out of harm's way, but he accidentally drops his plans in the process)
NC (vo): Eh, not that one.
NC: You can put him back.
Spider-Man: (giving Max the once-over) You all right?
Max: (hushed) You're Spider-Man.
NC (vo): This is Max Dillon, played by Jamie Foxx. He's a nobody. I'm aware of this because he verbally clarifies he's a nobody.
Max: I'm a nobody.
Spider-Man: You're a somebody.
NC: Well, that villain's set up; let's go to another subplot...
NC (vo): Disappointing ghost memes!
(As Spider-Man clings to the bumper of a police car while talking on a cell phone, this car is being passed by another police car. One of the policemen in this car, who looks like George Stacy, played by Denis Leary, looks out and stares at Spider-Man, who stares back. The following words appear around this policeman: "DISAPPROVING LEARY – APPROVES OF TOM HOLLAND". Then we cut to Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) at her high school graduation. She is discreetly trying to call Peter on her cell phone)
NC (vo): That's not the only distraction. We have Gwen Stacy, played again by Emma Stone, in a strange montage, giving a graduation speech about bad foreshadowing.
(As Spider-Man battles Aleksei in the truck, we hear Gwen's graduation speech in the background)
Gwen: I know we all think that we're immortal. What makes life valuable is that it ends. So don't waste it living someone else's life.
NC: (as Gwen) I guess what I'm saying is, (points off-screen) that burial site over there looks really nice. Back to me being alive.
Gwen: 'Cause even if we fall short...
(A shot of the movie later on is shown)
NC (vo): Hey, too soon.
Gwen: ...what better way is there to live?
NC (vo): Spider-Man stops the Rhino or...whatever he's doing to him here.
(Spider-Man is webbing up Aleksei's arms so he can't move them and shoots a web at his pants, dropping them, revealing his boxers underneath)
Aleksei: (struggling to break free) This is not end!
NC: You know... (Aleksei is shown again, along with an image of the Joker. Aleksei's gnashing teeth is placed on the Joker image upside-down, making a sinister grin) ...his frown flipped is a perfect Joker smile. All joy will dim when he leaves acting.
(Peter, in his gown and graduation cap, runs out into the ceremony on the stage with Gwen)
NC (vo): And he makes it just in time for graduation. Aunt May, played again by Sally Field, congratulates Peter, but the guy known for giving long-winded rants has kept silent again with his disapproving look.
(George Stacy is shown again, along with the message: "I MISSED HACKSAW RIDGE ON PURPOSE". Peter looks back at him suspiciously)
NC: I feel like every look Garfield gives in this movie...
NC (vo): ...is his first reaction to (The man is shown, but with Tobey Maguire's head edited on) a Tobey Maguire meme.
NC: Okay, I promise that's the last Maguire meme joke. No, I don't.
(That night, Peter and Gwen talk, with Peter expressing his shifting opinion over their relationship after making a vow to her father0
NC (vo): We get the classic "will they, won't they" stuff between Peter and Gwen, which, if this was the other films, I would hate, but these two not only talk honestly about what they're going through so they can figure out their problems like smart people...
Gwen: It's my father, isn't it?
Peter: I promised him that I would keep away from you. How can I do this? What does this make me?
NC: ...but they also have legit chemistry. Maybe because...
NC (vo): ...they were dating in real life when this was being filmed. Also, Marc Webb did romances before doing these movies, so it kind of makes sense that these would be done well...even if they do kind of distract from essential movie plot points.
Peter: I can't lose you, too.
Gwen: If it's because you can't lose me, we can't be together.
NC (vo; as Peter): Hey, remember Uncle Ben? Maybe I should find his killer. Nah!
(Instead, we cut to Max Dillon standing in front of a small mirror in his room, full of Spider-Man paraphernalia, as he tries to shave himself, having developed an unhealthy obsession with Spider-Man)
NC (vo; as Peter): Let's do this Edward Nygma thing instead.
Max: Spidey! Is someone celebrating a birthday today? That's why you're here. You remember my birthday.
NC: (as Jamie Foxx) I'd like to thank the Academy for forgetting about this performance.
(As NC speaks, we are shown several other clips of Max, including showing him at his job in Oscorp as an electrical engineer)
NC (vo): Yeah, Jamie Foxx is a great actor and comedian, but this film highlights neither of those. He's just every obsessed geek character you've seen in a million movies. Nothing about him stands out because there's not enough time to give him anything that stands out.
(Max is shown speaking with Gwen at Oscorp)
Max: (to Gwen) You know, Spider-Man saved my life one time. He said he needed me.
NC (vo; as Gwen): I gotta tell Peter not to save everyone. Sometimes, if a truck is heading towards them, let nature take its course.
(Meanwhile, Peter's childhood friend, Harry Osborn, returns to Manhattan to see his terminally-ill father, Norman, CEO of Oscorp)
NC (vo): We're introduced to Dane DeHaan as Harry Osborn...because we're a half-hour in and we still don't have all our main players yet...who's visiting his father Norman, played by Chris Cooper, because he heard Giamatti was embarrassingly sidelined, so he figured he'd get in on the action, too.
Norman: (lying in a hospital bed) Retroviral Hypodysplasia. This is not how I imagined I would die.
NC: Yeah, did they ever find a cure for Green Goblin-itis?
NC (vo): Funny how he [Norman]'s only in this film a minute, and I already wish he was the one flying around on a glider instead of this pipsqueak [Harry]. But to his credit, Dane DeHaan is one of those actors who both gets worse and better the more you watch him.
NC: He's another one of those actors that nobody really talks like...
(A montage of clips of DeHaan as Harry is shown)
Harry: What was Dad thinking? / I don't know how. / That is the Osborn way. / And I don't know why. / Fairy Godmother. / I need his blood. / ...Hi.
NC (vo): He's a hybrid of (Images of the following are shown...) Leonardo DiCaprio, Keanu Reeves, and every Culkin child [Macaulay, Kieran and Rory] known to man. I kind of love him the more I watch him.
(We are shown a future scene)
Harry: (ragingly) YOU'RE A FRAUD, SPIDER-MAN!
(He knocks over a table in anger, while Spider-Man overhears him from a safe distance. We then cut to the current scene, showing Harry meeting up with Peter for the first time in years)
NC (vo): It gets even better when Peter consoles Harry after his father dies. Yeah, didn't you know? They're like the oldest of friends, even though he was never mentioned in the first film! He's still in the dark about this Oscorp place, even though he knew the son of the owner of it!
NC: (waving dismissively) D'ah, he just forgot about it! It's like living in Chicago, but never visiting (image of the following appears in the corner...) the Sears Tower, and it's a person. (The tower is replaced by a man wearing sunglasses)
NC (vo): And it gets even better. Just watch these two together. DeHaan's acting style is so different from Garfield's that they have extreme chemistry and no chemistry at the same time. It's kind of fascinating.
Harry: And in Europe, you know? I went to Europe.
Peter: I saw you.
Harry: You got a lady?
Peter: That's a question.
Harry: What's her name? Who is she?
Peter: It's complicated.
Harry: Yeah, I don't do complicated.
NC: Honestly, it's like Sam Raimi came in just to direct his scenes alone.
(Laughing, Harry slides down a stair railing)
Harry: Dude, that whole model thing is so exhausting.
Peter: I know.
(Cut to a clip of Spider-Man 3)
Harry (James Franco): (to Mary Jane) You know, this is embarrassing, but I once wrote you a play in high school. (MJ giggles)
NC: It doesn't match anything else; it's always odd. (beat) But it's always entertaining.
Spider-Man: (sitting in NC's corner this whole time) So you're not that let down by the movie yet, right?
Spider-Man (vo): I mean, the romance is good, the action is cool, and even Spider-Man has some touching scenes.
(We cut to an earlier scene in the movie showing Spider-Man meeting a little boy named Jorge)
Spider-Man (in the movie): (to a little boy) This is a wind turbine. You make this? (The boy nods and spins the turbine) It's good as new, right? I'll walk you home. What's your name?
NC: Yeah, I guess I did kind of forget some of the legit fun scenes in this movie.
Spider-Man: See? You don't have to focus on...
(As he speaks, we are shown the scene of Max, while working in an Oscorp laboratory, accidentally falling into a tank of genetically-engineered electric eels, causing Max to mutate into a living electric generator)
Spider-Man (vo): ...Max falling into a bunch of eels, getting electric powers, and convenient dental work.
NC: (grinning) Oh, yeah, this dumb shit!
Spider-Man: (facepalming himself) Yeah, everyone remembers this dumb shit.
NC (vo): Max comes back to life from being electrocuted in an experiment, which, tone-wise, matches perfectly with this next scene...
(As Max stumbles through the lab, causing lights to blow out at every step, we cut to Peter standing out by the water as his cell phone rings)
NC: (laughs) It's like a TV monster movie went to commercial for a dating app!
(The scene of Max stumbling through the lab is replayed as the TNT logo appears in the corner)
Announcer (voiced by Malcolm): We'll return to the TNT Movie right after this.
(We then fade through black to Peter on the water with his cell phone while gentle piano music plays in the background)
Peter (voiced by Doug): I didn't think I could meet anyone. But then, Web Together introduced me to a girl I could really fall for. Well...she fell for me, but I'm getting too technical.
(Peter and Gwen are shown again speaking with each other, with Peter attempting to maintain a friendship with her)
Gwen: My laugh is off the table?
Peter: That laugh is off the table. You gotta figure out a more annoying laugh. (Gwen laughs obnoxiously) Still adorable.
NC: Yeah, all right. Even though I praise the hell out of these two, let's talk about some of their legit problems.
NC (vo): You see, everything in the movie is always moving 20 things forward. So when you have a romance where they just kind of chat about random stuff, completely different from everything else in the film, you do start to feel like a third wheel watching them.
(Gwen rubs her nose and Peter does the same as his, in imitation of her)
Peter: No more of this little nose rub that you do.
Gwen: This? (rubs her nose again)
Peter: Don't think I haven't noticed.
Gwen: What am I supposed to do? (rubs her nose again) It's allergy season.
Peter: You're just spitting in the face of my ground rules. I'm out.
(NC is seen sitting in the back seat of a car, presumably watching the movie there, as his eyes are looking upward, as if toward a screen hanging from the ceiling)
NC: Oh, God, just bang already!
(We then get a look at what happened to Max Dillon, who now has glowing blue skin with electricity flowing from his body. He stands around in the middle of Times Square)
NC (vo): Max is transformed into Electro, who, I have to say, looks (An image of the comic version of Electro is shown off to the side) nothing like the comic, but does look pretty damn cool.
(Several police cars pull up and surround Electro. The policemen throw gas canisters on the ground toward him, landing on sewer gratings as they do)
Policeman: On the ground!
Electro: (seeing the gas canisters roll his way) No, stop! Don't do that!
(As the gases waft out, it comes in contact with his electricity and cause the canisters to spin around wildly)
NC (vo; as policeman): Get down on the ground into the gas! Why is that so hard to understand?
(Electro looks up to see that all of the screens of Times Square have changed to show him. He is stunned)
Electro: They see me. They see me.
NC: Even his reason for being evil is very basic bitch-motivated.
Crowd: (chanting) Spi-dey! Spi-dey! Spi-dey!
(Electro looks up at one building to see some of the screens replace his image with that of Spider-Man)
Electro: You're so selfish...
(Cut to a clip of NC's review of the live-action Kim Possible movie)
Kim (Aiyanna Wade): (whiny voice) I want the attention! (jumping up and down) I...WANT...THE...ATTENTION!! (bawls)
(Cut back to the movie as Spider-Man arrives on the scene)
NC (vo): Spider-Man tries to talk him down before fighting him. Again, I really feel like Garfield nailed the comedic but still caring elements that made Spider-Man such a great hero. (The truck collision is shown in the corner) Minus that count. And even though this line makes no sense, I still get a laugh out of it.
Spider-Man: What's your name again?
Electro: How could you forget me?
Spider-Man: I know it, don't tell me.
Electro: It's Max.
Spider-Man: Is it Max?
NC: Again, I don't know what way that was intended to be funny, but it is funny.
(Spider-Man and Electro have their first fight, ending with Spider-Man being victorious, and Electro being taken away. The event is shown on a news program with the headline, "Spider-Man Ratings Up")
NC (vo): We get another inventive and colorful action sequence as Spider-Man knocks Electro out and his ratings go up...what the hell does that mean?!
Spider-Man: (sitting in the corner) It means this movie isn't as bad as you're saying. (NC crosses his arms) Sure, there's a few hiccups here and there, but every Spider-Man movie has that. I'm gonna be okay!
(Suddenly, the screen is cut off by static again as Doc Ock again hijacks the video)
Doc Ock: Is he destroyed yet? (becomes upset to see Spider-Man alive) Hey! His soul doesn't look demolished,
NC: It's okay, it's okay. We're only halfway through the movie.
Doc Ock: Oh! You're only halfway through. Got it. You scared me for a second. Carry on.
(Doc Ock's screen cuts off through static)
Spider-Man: Dude, things get better halfway?
NC: It's a complicated question.
Spider-Man: Well, that gives me hope.
NC: But with a simple answer: no, it does not.
Spider-Man: (hanging his head) Ohh...
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes as Peter sits in his room and sees an image of Gwen on his phone)
NC (vo): So not only does Peter discover Gwen is moving away to England... (A yellow arrow is shown pointing to Gwen's image, along with the letters "WTF?" and an image of Frank Cross, Bill Murray's character in the movie Scrooged) ...and he becomes obsessed with finding out what happened to his parents again, while also looking for Uncle Ben's killer...wait, no, still nothing!...but Harry discovers he's dying of the same disease as his father. This dialogue just...flows.
Peter: (talking to Harry on his cell phone) You all right?
Harry: Not really, Pete. I'm dying. But I think you can help save my life.
NC: He said that like he ran out of Fritos!
NC (vo; as Harry): I'm out. Pick some up. And I'm dying. But don't forget Fritos. I love Fritos. And I'm dying. But Fritos. And I'm dying.
(We cut to Peter and Harry at Oscorp)
NC (vo): Harry says he thinks Spider-Man's blood can cure him, as he can self-heal. Is that why he was getting cough medicine earlier?
(An earlier scene is shown of Spider-Man at a convenience store. He has webbed up someone else, presumably a robber and then starts to buy some cough medicine, but accidentally sneezes in the direction of the cashier. Then we go back to the current scene)
Harry: You know him?
(Harry shows Peter a copy of the newspaper with Spider-Man on it, which clearly shows that it was photographed by Peter Parker)
Harry: You took his picture.
NC: Oh, right, that's still a thing. They literally text us...
(A shot of Peter's computer is shown, with an email from J.J. Jameson on it)
NC (vo): ...J. Jonah Jameson's cameo.
NC: (sarcastically) I can't believe I forgot!
(Later, Peter encounters Gwen, who has discovered evidence that Oscorp is trying to cover up Max's accident)
NC (vo): Gwen discovers they're trying to keep Max's connection to Oscorp a secret and hides from security trying to track her down.
(Gwen and Peter hide in the maintenance closet)
Peter: This is the maintenance closet. This is the most cliched hiding place.
Gwen: (overlapping) Oh, I'm sorry...
Peter: (overlapping) This is the stupidest hiding place.
Gwen: ...I didn't take us to the Bahamas of hiding places.
(Again, NC sits in the back of the car, listlessly watching the movie)
NC: (sarcastically) I'm so glad I introduced you two.
NC (vo): Peter provides a pretty funny diversion for Gwen to escape, and we see where they're keeping Max.
(To the tune of "The Blue Danube", Max as Electro is brought out by one of Oscorp's scientists, Dr. Kafka (played by Marton Csokas))
NC (vo; as Mr. Freeze): What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!
(As we cut back to NC, the poster for Batman & Robin pops up in the corner)
NC: Actually, are you sure we're not in that movie right now?
Dr. Kafka: I'm here to study you, to understand what you are...
NC (vo): See, here's the thing: this whole German mad scientist torturing Dr. Nightcrawler Manhattan here, I'd be fine with in a Spider-Man movie...
NC: ...IF the whole movie was like this.
NC (vo): You want to go for the crazy Guillermo del Toro–Terry Gilliam thing? Have at it! But this doesn't match with (Scene of Peter and Gwen's date is shown) this doesn't match with (The Parkers' plane crashing is shown) this. And each one is bringing a full script's worth of content to the table. Even when a scene does take its time, you're so jolted by the fast pace of everything else, you can't get comfortable with it, meaning you're less likely to let a scene sit with you.
(Cut to a scene with Peter talking to Aunt May)
NC (vo): Like this one, for example, when he's talking to Aunt May.
May (Sally Field): The truth is, your parents left you here on our doorstep. Your Uncle Ben and I...
NC (vo; as Peter): Uncle who?
NC: (as Peter) Oh, yeah. (shakes fist) I will find his killer! Or...not.
May: I was the one – Me! – who has to take nursing classes with 22-year-old kids so I can pay for you to go to college. (covers her face in her hands) And I don't know how to do this...
NC (vo): This emotional moment seems like a good time to work in that spy stuff again.
May: Two government men came to see us. The genetics research that your father was doing with Norman Osborn was very valuable.
NC (vo): See what I mean? These just don't go!
(Cut to a clip of The Godfather)
NC (vo): It's like in Godfather if he [Vito Corleone] was like, (as Vito) "Look how they massacred my boy. By the way, the secret government information that spies might be asking you about, don't ever let them find the microchip. My boy!"
(Cut back to the movie as Spider-Man meets Harry)
NC (vo): Later, Spider-Man drops by Harry's home to talk about using his blood to cure him.
Harry: (pouring himself a drink) Talk to Peter?
Spider-Man: Yeah. I want to help you, Mr. Osborn, I really, really do.
NC: Now, Harry has no idea that this is Peter, but honestly, how couldn't he?
NC (vo): Everything, from his voice to his demeanor to how he holds himself? You can practically see his face (An image of Garfield as Peter is placed over Spider-Man's head) that always looks like he just read a mean tweet from a Maguire fan. What kind of geniuses are you two supposed to be??
Harry: All right, how much? Name it. You want a boat? You want a plane?
NC (vo; as Spider-Man): Hmm, a spider plane does sound cool.
Harry: Your blood can't make me die more.
Spider-Man: But it could do something worse. (leaps out the window and swings off)
NC (vo): Peter says he won't give Harry the blood, because it'll either kill him or make him too powerful.
NC: This...makes no fucking sense.
(Later, Peter visits an abandoned subway station to find a hidden lab which shows Richard's video, revealing Oscorp's vision to create biogenetic weapons)
NC (vo): Okay, here's my theory. There's a later scene where Peter finds out his father's blood is the key to making a lot of these experiments work, and his father did this because he found out Oscorp couldn't be trusted as they wanted to weaponize what he was working on.
NC: I think that scene was originally written to go before this scene.
NC (vo): Because it would give Peter a reason not to trust Oscorp and the son of the man who wanted to weaponize his father's work.
NC: But with those scenes in the order that they are, he just looks like a dick!
NC (vo): Does he not trust Harry? He hasn't done anything to not earn his trust. And even if he did grow powerful, just keep him on the right path like he was your best friend. Say, that reminds me: you're best friends, aren't you?! You're gonna let your best friend die because of...honestly, a lot of solutions to minor problems?! So much of the goodwill built up in these previous scenes is being obliterated over not just a stupid choice, but a cruel choice.
(Not too long after Spider-Man refuses to give the cure to Harry, Harry ends up being confronted by Oscorp's corrupt vice president, Donald Menken, who has framed Harry for covering up Max's incident (something Menken was doing himself), and is using that as a means to remove Harry from the company)
NC (vo): As the film continues, the bad scenes start to erase the good scenes that came before, as...looky here! Another villain is introduced! (The poster for the movie is superimposed, but without the villain in question on it) Yeah, not enough to make it on the poster, but he's a villain! Apparently, this guy makes it look like Harry hid Max and fires him from his duties. But it's cool, Felicia Hardy...oh, yeah, (Image of a Black Cat comic is shown off to the side) Black Cat is in this!...tells Harry about their secret lab below. Hey, gotta justify her in this somehow for that spin-off movie that's never gonna happen.
Felicia Hardy (Felicity Jones): Before they destroyed the spiders, they had the venom extracted.
Harry: Where is it?
Felicia: Somewhere in the building.
NC: (as Felicia) I know, because my father (A shot of Jyn Erso's father, Galen Erso, from Rogue One, is shown in the corner) designed this building. Did you know a firecracker down the garbage chute will blow this place up?
(We go back to the moment Peter discovers Richard's hidden lab, while Harry heads for the prison Electro is at, and the two of them join forces)
NC (vo): Peter also discovers a secret lab for himself. His father had an Oscorp location in an abandoned subway that...I guess Oscorp just forgot about! Unless his dad put that all together, which...look at that fucking thing, no! And he discovers, like I said before, that Oscorp wanted to weaponize his experiments. Destined to find a cure, Harry frees Electro, saying he needs him. He zaps the guards and electricities some shorts, joining Harry's side.
(At Oscorp, Donald Menken spots Electro, now dressed in a suit, standing there)
Electro: Remember me?
NC: (as Menken) Weirdly, no.
NC (vo): Electro puts together, let's be honest, a fucking weak-ass suit...
NC: You look like the Fantastic Four member... (A shot of the poster for the Fantastic Four movie is shown, with Electro hidden behind Thing) ...they hide behind Thing.
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): ...and they force the new head of Oscorp to show him where the possible cure might be, while Electro goes to kill Spider-Man.
(Menken is forced to guide Harry down to a secret room, where dozens of weapons are hidden in)
Harry: What is all this stuff?
Menken: The future.
NC: (shrugs) Well, we know that's not true.
NC (vo): He takes the cure made from the venom of the Oscorp spiders...oh, now I get how that was gonna tie in. (The poster for Venom is superimposed) Very clever...but as predicted, it has some side effects, giving even less of a fuck about your performance being one of them.
(Harry falls to his knees and tears off his shirt, screaming in agony)
NC: (as Harry) You're making me hammy. You wouldn't like me when I'm hammy.
(Meanwhile, Spider-Man has written "I LOVE YOU" in webbing on the Brooklyn Bridge for Gwen, who conveniently stands there, to see)
NC (vo): Peter wastes the city's entire budget on bridge maintenance, just to let Gwen know that despite her leaving, he still loves her.
(As Gwen stares at the message, Spider-Man swings down and grabs her)
NC: (stumped) Spider-Man kidnapped that woman!
NC (vo): He also lets her know that he's going to move to England with her. Boy, not much wind on those New York bridges, huh?
Peter: I'm just gonna follow you everywhere. I'm just gonna follow you the rest of my life.
NC: (as Peter) Or...rest of your life would be more practical. (Beat) I have an entire file of these jokes. (As he says that, an image of a file is shown in the corner, with the words "Gwen Stacy Death Jokes" written on the bottom)
(Back to the movie. Electro causes another huge blackout in the city, putting millions of lives in danger)
NC (vo): The power goes out all over the city, but Peter and Gwen have an idea how to bring it back, while also stopping Electric Andross.
(As Spider-Man swings off to face Electro, he sees his face appear on a building)
Electro: (his face appearing on the building) Do you see me now, Spider-Man?
NC: Yeah, the rivalry has been so built up. What is his motivation again?
(Cut back to NC's review of the live-action Kim Possible movie)
Kim: (jumping up and down) I...WANT...THE...ATTENTION!! (bawls)
(One of the lives in danger due to Electro's blackout include two airplanes filled with passengers unknowingly flying towards each other)
NC (vo): Oh, and get this. Two planes are about to crash into each other if the power's not turned back on, but literally nobody in the movie knows this, so it adds no extra tension. None of the main characters are on there, and we know it's not gonna crash. It honestly feels like it was added at the last minute because the climax wasn't exciting enough.
NC: With that said, this climax isn't exciting enough!
(At a large electricity substation, Spider-Man faces off against Electro, who has now completely given into his power and now intends to rule the world as a godlike figure)
NC (vo): The CG is not particularly impressive, especially compared to earlier, the shots and action are pretty standard, and then, you know, this dumb shit.
(Electro zaps several towers at once, lighting them up. Each zap sounds like another note in the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" song. One electric blast hits Spider-Man and knocks him backwards. Cut to the first Spider-Man movie, showing the Green Goblin flying across the Queensboro Bridge)
Green Goblin: Down came the Goblin and took the Spider out.
(Back to ASM2, as Electro lights up all the towers at once)
Electro: Spider-Man! Bet you never saw this coming.
(Spider-Man, trapped in the electric power, struggles against it)
NC: Again, (makes an "A-OK" sign) great Electro writing.
NC (vo): What other great quips did he have? "Die, Spider-Man!" or "I got you now!" or "Die, Spider-Man!"? At this point... (Cut again to the first Spider-Man movie, this one showing Spider-Man and the Goblin in the burning apartment, where Spider-Man calls him "Gobby") ...I think I would prefer, "You're the one who's out, Gobby! Out of your mind!" At least I'd remember it.
(As we cut back again to ASM2, Gwen drives onto the scene and runs over Electro. She gets out of the car as the ghost of Officer Stacy (Denis Leary) appears briefly. Finally, Spider-Man and Gwen finally destroy Electro by overloading his body, and restoring the city's power in the process)
NC (vo): Gwen shows up, Leary gives the audience's facial reaction... (Said reaction from Officer Stacy is one of indifference, along with the phrase: "NOBODY ASKED IF I WANTED TO BE SPIDER-MAN") ...and the two of them finally defeat Electro.
(Meanwhile, the two planes finally get the power back and manage to get out of each other's way in the nick of time, much to the relief of everyone)
NC (vo): Oh, and the two planes were saved, because I know that was at the height of your worries.
(Once again, Spider-Man gets NC's attention)
Spider-Man: See, that wasn't so bad. A little underwhelming and crowded, but it wasn't anything that bad.
(It looks like Spider-Man spoke too soon, however, as the movie Spider-Man now has a new threat to deal with: Harry as the new Green Goblin, who flies toward the power station, adorned with his father's technology, to punish Spider-Man for denying him the blood transfusion. Then we cut back to Spider-Man sitting in the corner)
Spider-Man: Oh, no. (shakes head) No, no, no, no, no. Don't do this.
(The Goblin flies in toward Spider-Man and Gwen, cackling. Then we cut back again to Spider-Man, shaking and clutching his head)
Spider-Man: (making a go-away motion with his hand) Go back! Go back! Stay out of this movie!
(The Goblin lands between Gwen and Spider-Man, smiling sadistically at the latter)
Spider-Man: (clutching his head) Oh, God.
NC: (grinning) Oh, God, indeed!
(As we cut back to Harry as the Goblin, shots of the following are superimposed, with NC explaining them...)
Green Goblin: You were my friend, and you betrayed ME!!
NC: Sometimes, something can be so stupid, it's funny. This is just so stupid, it's stupid.
Green Goblin: Look at me!
(Aiming to "take away Peter's hope", the Goblin kidnaps Gwen and takes her to a clock tower. There, Spider-Man fights the Goblin while struggling to keep Gwen safe from danger)
NC (vo): There's less than 20 minutes of the movie left, and another villain has been thrown into the mix, arguably Spider-Man's most famous villain, and he gets one-ninth of the movie to shine.
Spider-Man: (sitting in NC's corner) Oh, no. This is bad.
NC: (nodding) This is very bad.
(Spider-Man manages to defeat the Goblin, but despite his best efforts to save her, Gwen ends up falling to her death in the process)
NC (vo): Spider-Man fights Harry, slowly turning into Mr. Bean, but Gwen gets tossed, and Spider-Man's web...hand tries to catch her. As fans of the comic have deduced and movie fans are tired of having hammered in, Spider-Man is unable to save her, and she dies.
Peter: (crying out) No, please! Please! (sobbing) Please!
NC: So...cool, they got one of the biggest deaths in comic book history finally on the big screen. (Beat) So, why does it feel so empty?
NC (vo): I don't want to see her go; I like seeing her and Peter interact. But...somehow, this just doesn't feel warranted.
NC: Why? A couple reasons.
(The comic adaptation that similarly shows the Green Goblin's last stand and Gwen's death is shown, also including a shot of a Batman comic, showing the Joker killing off Robin)
NC (vo): First off, in the comic, this happened over a long-building rivalry. When Joker killed Robin in...God, any version of Batman, it's not done by a villain who just popped up, it's done by one who's been established for some time. It's a rivalry burning and burning and burning, and this was the final explosion it amounted to. Not...
(Cut back to the movie's Harry as the Green Goblin)
NC (vo; as Green Goblin): ..."By the way, I'm the Green Goblin. Wha-hey!"
NC: (holds up two fingers) Second, aside from that sloppy speech in the intro, the movie doesn't really support this happening either.
(Shots of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan are shown)
NC (vo): Take Star Trek II. What's it about? It's about getting older, but holding on to your youth; sacrificing to stay alive, but facing the inevitability of death; some things you can escape, others you can't. All these themes are spread out throughout the movie, so it makes sense when a main character dies in it.
NC: What's Amazing Spider-Man 2 about? Um...
(Shots of ASM2 are shown again)
NC (vo): Parent spies, gliders that millionaires shouldn't know how to use, Rhino people, Na'vi nightlights...
NC: It's too cluttered to be about anything!
NC (vo): The only other way it could work is if they did it to be more realistic, like Godfather or Game of Thrones. You know, the shock value adds to the realism, and...I don't think this is a series that rides that much on that anymore.
(The first movie is shown, showing the Green Goblin dropping Mary Jane to her supposed doom, forcing Spider-Man to choose between her and the children in the falling gondola, before cutting back to this movie's scene of Gwen falling to her death, and again showing the matching scene in the comic book)
NC (vo): The tragedy is, this is the second time a Spider-Man movie has botched this scenario, which means we're never gonna see this done correctly on the big screen, because everyone's just too familiar with it. So, one of the most famous comic book deaths in history is just gonna have to stay in comic book history, because it's forever ruined anywhere else.
Spider-Man: (sitting in NC's corner) Wow... (leans his head back against wall) Wow...
Doc Ock: Yes! That's it! Squish him like a...clump of...wet Play-Doh...! (shudders)
NC: Really? That's the best squishing analogy you could come up with in this scenario?
Spider-Man: (clutching at his head) Oh, God. This can't be happening!
NC: (hastily) Don't worry, it gets better.
(Spider-Man again clutches his head, crying out louder than ever. Back to the movie. Devastated by Gwen's loss, Peter ends his career as Spider-Man. Months later, in prison, Harry, who is back to his normal self, is approached by a mysterious figure, and they discuss the possibility of forming a team to use Oscorp's biogenetic weapons to cause chaos to the city)
NC (vo): Months go by as Peter is too scarred to fight crime, and the masked figure from the ending of the first film...
NC: Oh, shit, I forgot, there's a masked figure at the end of the first film. You never find out who he is, so it doesn't matter.
(Harry and the figure ultimately decide to have one criminal be a recipient of an Oscorp weapon, and their pick is Aleksei Sytsevich)
NC (vo): ...teams up with Harry and uses the weapons down below to form the Sinister One-and-a-Half.
(Sytsevich is broken out of prison, and he uses his weapon, an electromechanical suit of armor, to rob a bank, before rampaging through New York, officially naming himself Rhino)
Rhino: I crush you, I kill you! I destroy you!
NC: (holds up index finger) Giamatti did think he was playing Gru... (As the Rhino's scene is shown again, a shot of Gru appears in the corner) ...in this, right? This is all just another bizarre Minion spinoff?
(The kid from an earlier scene, Jorge, wearing a Spider-Man costume of his own, runs out into the middle of the street holding his mask, as if ready to confront the Rhino himself)
Cop: Hold your fire!
Rhino: (seeing the boy, mockingly) Look, New York. Spider-Man is back!
NC (vo; as Rhino): You are much shorter than I remember!
(Suddenly, much to his joy and surprise, Jorge sees the real Spider-Man standing before him)
Jorge: I knew you'd come back.
Spider-Man: Yeah, thanks for stepping up for me.
NC: (as Spider-Man) Look like you got this, so, I'll be taking off. (pretends to shoot out a web to swing away)
(Spider-Man, having finally accepted his responsibility to continue being New York's hero no matter what, and in full preparation to fight against any criminal who uses Oscorp's biogenectic weapons, swings toward the charging Rhino, as the film ends with Spider-Man swinging a manhole at Rhino's horn)
NC (vo): He attacks the Rhino, and the rest is to be finished off another never.
Spider-Man: (sitting in NC's corner) What? There's never another one?!
NC: Nope. Amazing Spider-Man 2 was... (becomes uncertain) not really that amazing in a lot of people's eyes.
NC (vo): The film by no means bombed, but it didn't make the money it was hoping for. Because of this, all future spin-offs and sequels were scrapped, and Sony finally made a deal to share the character with Disney. (The poster for Spider-Man: Homecoming is superimposed)
Spider-Man: (clutching at his face) But this was supposed to be the big one! The trailblazer that launched a million universes!
NC: They got Tom Hardy burping in Venom.
(A montage of clips of that movie is shown, showing Hardy as Eddie Brock burping. Spider-Man groans loudly. Then we cut back one last time to footage of ASM2, as NC gives his final thoughts on it. Clips of Spider-Man 3 are briefly shown as well)
NC (vo): All right, so is this the worst Spider-Man movie? In my opinion, yes. Say what you want about 3, but it had themes and ideas, and it committed all the way to them, it just wasn't very good at doing it and got too crowded. This one also got too crowded, also wasn't good at conveying its ideas, but on top of that, it felt like a bad commercial for movies that didn't even exist yet. Ironically, it repeated a lot of the same mistakes as 3, except it didn't have that strange unique voice to help it stand out. Because of this, we get a film that's not only crowded and confused, but also bland, forgettable, and, at times, pretty boring. Does that make it one of the worst movies ever made? No. Honestly, I wouldn't even call it one of the worst comic book movies ever made. It has some cool action and good acting, but you always know where its loyalty lies: to franchise it. You can franchise a series fine, but you have to be committed to a good story and ideas first. And those simply aren't in this one. It's too bad. I really like Garfield as Spider-Man and would like to have seen where this series would have gone if they had gotten more competent writers behind it, as well as a studio that focused more on getting one film right instead the next five. So... (sighs) despite it giving some good scenes, Amazing Spider-Man 2 still remains, in my opinion, the worst Spider-Man movie ever made.
(Spider-Man clutches at his head and groans loudly)
Spider-Man: Oh, Goood! Oh, Gooood!
(Suddenly, we cut through static again to see Doc Ock again)
Doc Ock: Well done, Nostalgia Critic. You've ruined Spider-Man forever!
NC: You mean the humanized version of The Amazing Spider-Man...
Doc Ock: (exasperated) Three...three syllables.
Doc Ock: Now, to ruin other versions of Spider-Man. I wonder if I can cast Jared Leto in anything? SO LONG, PLEBEIANS!
(She cackles as her screen cuts off through static)
Spider-Man: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! (Exasperated, NC gets up and walks over to him) This can't be happening! Oh, God, it's all over. It's all over!
NC: Oh, come on, it's not..."all over".
Spider-Man: Yes, it is! Everything's gone to shit, and I'm never gonna get things back to normal. Nothing will ever be the same.
NC: Well...yeah. I mean, you're right. This will be a painful hit for you, and it'll affect more than you're probably aware. In fact, chances are, you won't come out of this the same as when you went in.
Spider-Man: (beat) Are you trying to motivate me? Because you suck balls at it.
NC: (exasperated) Look, I'm trying to be realistic!
Spider-Man: (sarcastically) Oh, good, that's just what I need now!
NC: (points at him) You do! Because the truth is, you've been through worse.
(Shots of past entertainment involving Spider-Man are shown)
NC (vo): I mean, your history is filled with huge wins and great losses, and every time it looked like you weren't gonna make it, you found another avenue to thrive in.
NC: Sometimes, you had to stay out of the public eye for a while, but like anything special, people never forgot you.
NC (vo): And in time, you'll learn how to grow something special within your limitations, occasionally, even more special. Whenever it looked like every pathway was closed off, you found a way to slither through and become stronger on the other end.
NC: So, yeah, you're gonna be out of commission. It's not fair and it's gonna suck, a lot! But you always find a way to get through it.
NC (vo): You always find the will to be strong and inspire other people to be strong in the process, no matter what avenue you need to take.
NC: And you know why?
NC: Because you're fucking awesome.
Spider-Man: I'm fucking awesome?
NC: And you remind people how fucking awesome they are! And fucking awesome feeds off of fucking awesome until there's so much fucking awesome in the world, we don't know what to do with it! So, you gonna give up, (shakes finger at him) or are you gonna continue to inspire that awesome?
Spider-Man: (more confidently now) I'm a perpetual awesome machine!
NC: Damn right you are! You may be down and out for a bit, but nothing can take away your goddamn awesomeness!
Spider-Man: (holding up fist) Yeah!
Spider-Man: (beat) We...do know what we're really talking about, right?
NC: Of course. (looks into camera; hushed) We're talking about motherfuckin' Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Motherfuckin' Spider-Man.
NC: Motherfuckin' Spider-Man. (nods)
Spider-Man: So...what do we do now?
(NC looks up in thought. Then we cut to NC and Spider-Man in the former's living room, sitting on the couch. NC holds up a remote control in his hand)
NC: (excitedly) Ooh! (rubs hands together) I haven't finished up Punisher yet!
Spider-Man: (waves dismissively) Eh, I never got into those Marvel shows.
NC: (awkward pause) What am I supposed to say to that?
Channel Awesome tagline – Rhino: I AM THE RHINO!
(We cut back briefly to NC's room, which is still yellow)
NC: Man, you guys went to some extreme measures to get that wall back. (laughs as he turns off camera)
(The credits roll)