The Amazing Spider-Man

Amazing spider-man nc.jpg

Release Date
March 25, 2020
Running Time
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then the Spider-Month title sequence plays, as always set to the tune of the old Spider-Man cartoon show of the '60s)

NC (vo; singing):

♫ Spider-Days, Spider-Days ♫
♫ Sorry, there's more things that rhyme with "days" ♫
♫ Let's start rhyming them right now ♫
♫ Wait... ♫
♫ I think we messed it up ♫

(A shot of Baby Yoda from The Mandalorian is shown before cutting back to NC in the Spider-Man costume)

♫ Goddamn! We really hate this sooooong! ♫

(The word "Spider-Month" is displayed, ending the title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. So you think the Raimi films got backlash? Wait until I reveal the tangled Marc Webb that we weave.

(Footage of Spider-Man 3 is shown, along with a brief shot of an article on the movie from Gizmodo)

NC (vo): With Spider-Man 3 disappointing many fans and even the filmmakers themselves becoming frustrated, Sony decided no more films were gonna come out of this universe. But, there was a problem: Sony's rights to the Spider-Man character required a movie to be made every five years if they wanted to keep them, which meant the long time-span usually provided between rebooted franchises like... (Posters for Batman & Robin and Batman Begins are superimposed, along with the time-span: "1997 – 2005") ...Batman... (Now posters for Superman IV and Superman Returns are superimposed, along with the time-span: "1987 – 2006") ...and Superman, was cut pretty damn tight from 2007 to 2012, let's be honest, not giving enough time for people to put the old Spider-Man franchise behind them and crave a new one.

NC: Which is why I have the controversial thought... (Cut to a shot of a flat Earth in space, along with the message, "THE EARTH IS FLAT?") Okay, not hugely controversial. (Cut to a shot of milk being poured from a bottle into a glass, along with the message, "MILK IS BAD?", making NC frustrated) Okay, honestly not controversial! (Cut to a shot of a fat man in glasses with his arms crossed, along with the message, "PETTY GEEK SHIT?") Pretty much, yeah. I think that... (Suddenly, he is interrupted by his cell phone beeping, and he answers it) Hello, Mr. Internet.

Internet Representation: (on phone) You're gonna regret it.

NC: I told you before, I'm not gonna lie.

Internet Representation: You're gonna regret it.

NC: Look, I'm hired to give my honest thoughts and a unique point of view, and that's what I'm gonna do.

Internet Representation: Your funeral.

(NC hangs up)

NC: I think Amazing Spider-Man is a fascinating movie.

(The sound of people gasping is heard)

Offscreen voice: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!

(Suddenly, an anvil marked "AMAZING SPIDER MAN SUX" falls out of the sky and crushes NC and his desk. Then we cut to the title for The Amazing Spider-Man, followed by footage of that movie)

NC (vo): With that said, I don't think it's the best Spider-Man movie. Into the Spider-Verse has blown them all out of the water; the MCU films might be slow-burning to the big stuff, which I'm down to wait for; and rewatching the Raimi films, I do find a new appreciation for them, particularly with 2. But maybe that's why this one intrigues me. It had the most impossible task of winning people over with a new Spider-Man reboot after a goofy but still iconic series, and all the changes in the film reflect that. Instead of going cheerful and clean, it went angry and dirty. Rather than (A panel of an old-school Spidey comic is superimposed) Golden Age comic dialogue, (This panel is replaced by another of a much newer Spidey comic) it went more modern-day comic dialogue. It brought back the writer of Ordinary People and allowed him to write a screenplay more like Ordinary People. The main character just happened to be a superhero. At the time, there were a lot of audiences that were happy (A shot of this movie's Rotten Tomatoes page is shown, with a score of 73% on the Tomatometer and an audience score of 77%) to have a more grounded Spider-Man flick, especially with (The poster for The Dark Knight is superimposed) other comic book movies going in that direction. But the hate boner erected quick, and soon, die-hard fans declared if you like anything in this, you are betraying the sanctity of the franchise.

(Several shots of Spider-Man entertainment appears to NC's left: the bomb explosion in the Spider-Man 3 PC game, the clip of the infamous dance scene in Spider-Man 3 (the moment where Peter says, "Now dig on this") and the infamous "One More Day" comic. Off to his right, the poster for The Amazing Spider-Man is shown)

NC: (points to poster) Clearly, this was the one step too far.

NC (vo): But I will admit, the same way I was asking people to see how I could find the originals too corny, shouldn't I also see how people could find this too safe? Yes, it's more real, but doesn't that suck out the uniqueness of Spider-Man going all-in big like the comic did? I will always remember the iconic imagery from those films, and here I have...Lizard Voldemort and webbed dicks. (The moment of Spider-Man firing a web at a thief's crotch is shown with the sound effect of one of Tom's yelps from Tom & Jerry) Whether you love it, hate it, or somewhere in between, I find it intriguing because it begs the question of what should a comic book movie lean more towards, a comic book or a movie? Well, let's look at the first of these Marc Webb films to get an idea.

NC: (crosses arms dramatically) This is the worst thing to ever happen to Spider-Man... (Another shot of the dance sequence in Spider-Man 3 is shown) So I'm told! This is Amazing Spider-Man.

NC (vo): We start with a flashback of Peter Parker as a little boy, whose parents take hide-and-seek very seriously.

(Young Peter (played by Max Charles) goes over to a curtain, presumably where his parents are hiding and pulls back on it...only to find a broom, which falls over on the floor)

NC: Next, we're gonna play charades (dramatically) blindfolded.

NC (vo): But it looks like somebody broke in, which means why don't you visit your Uncle Ben and Aunt May for the rest of your life?

(Peter's concerned parents take him to the home of Aunt May and Uncle Ben)

Mary Parker: (soothing Peter while speaking with May and Ben) Doesn't like crust on his sandwiches. He likes to sleep with the little light on at night...

NC (vo; as Mary): He also likes to wear Spider-Man pajamas. Wait, what?

(Years later, we see Peter now grown into a teenager attending Midtown Science High School)

NC (vo): Cut to years later as Peter, played now by Andrew Garfield, discovers his parents died in a plane crash and is now a geek...I guess.

(As Peter opens up his locker, he is hit in the head by a basketball thrown at him by Flash Thompson (played by Chris Zylka). Flash laughs at Peter)

Peter: Morning, Flash.

NC: So, on the one hand, I don't just want (A shot of Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker appears in the corner) the same Peter Parker again, and they do give us something different.

(Dozens of footage of Andrew Garfield's take on Peter Parker is shown. We are also shown some clips of Tobey Maguire's performance as Peter to compare the two)

NC (vo): Garfield is more of a brain in the same way (Shots of Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg are shown in the corner) Jobs or Zuckerberg is a brain. It's less chess club and more debate; less dorky and more awkward; girls will talk to him, but they won't date him. If he [Garfield's Parker] didn't become Spider-Man, he'd probably run some company that would take over the world, similar to how if Maguire didn't become Spider-Man, he'd probably push people around. One would be a physical bully, and the other would be an industry bully. So, already, I like that it keeps the same ideas, but tweaks them enough to be different and new.

NC: (shakes head) So...why are you pretending he's high school George McFly, then?

Flash: (to Peter) Good morning, Parker!

(He teasingly plays with Peter as if he's gonna try and attack him, but backs off and walks away. More footage of Peter is shown as NC gives his other thoughts)

NC (vo): First off, he looks 29. (Off to the side, a shot of Garfield's birth year is shown: August 29, 1983) That might be because...he's 29. It would make more sense if they started this as an adult and he was already bitten by the spider.

NC: (holding up two fingers) Second, what bully would pick on him?

NC (vo): He's a good-looking skater with more hair gel than Everett from O Brother, Where Art Thou? if he was in a boy band. (An image of a boy band is shown, with Everett's head on one of the members) I mean, I get the idea he's not the bottom of the social food chain; that's reserved for... (A bullied kid wearing an old woolen sweater is shown currently being picked on by Flash; the kid has a blank look on his face) Even that kid doesn't seem that bad! Okay, the grandma sweater is a little weird, but we had this for three movies. (A clip of Maguire's Parker is shown dancing down the street) He's [Garfield's Parker's] supposed to just be odd, particularly with him looking out for kids being bullied where others don't.

(Peter approaches the situation, while other students look on in anticipation of something happening)

Student: Take the picture!

Peter: (to Flash) Put him down, Eugene!

(In response, Flash punches Peter so hard that it knocks him backwards)

NC: That's great, but it's inconsistent.

NC (vo): He even takes out his contacts to put glasses on because his dad wore glasses, but let's be honest, it's done so we can identify him as the doof-a-dork from the previous films. (A shot of Maguire's Parker is shown in the corner, next to Garfield's Parker) He wore glasses. Parker!

(We are then shown pieces of footage of Uncle Ben)

NC (vo): Uncle Ben, played well by Martin Sheen, has a similar problem. Even though he gives a really great performance, too many elements keep calling back to the original, even reworking the hammered-in catchphrase.

Ben Parker: (to Peter) If you could do good things for other people, you had a moral obligation to do those things. That's what at stake here. Not choice; responsibility.

(As NC speaks below, comparisons between Uncle Ben's comments in the original movie ("With great power comes great responsibility.") and the remake (where the above comment is much longer) are shown)

NC: From six words to 21 words. (Now shots of Jesus Christ and this movie's Uncle Ben are shown in the corner, along with the sets of letters reading, "WWJD" and "IYCDGTFPTYHAMOTDTTNCR", respectively) Abbreviate that next to "What Would Jesus Do"!

(Later, after coming home from school, Peter discovers his father's old bags, and, using the Bing website, he finds out that his father worked with fellow scientist, Dr. Curt Connors, in the field of cross-species genetics. Curious about this information, Peter heads for the company known as Oscorp)

NC (vo): But when the movie tries to be more its own thing, it is pretty engaging. Peter finds his father's old bag and looks up the scientist he used to work with on Bing, the search engine I use when I don't want someone to check my history because...nobody would ever think of checking Bing...which leads him to Oscorp.

Female voice on P.A. system: Welcome to Oscorp. Born from the mind of our founder, Norman Osborn...

NC: (as the female voice) Appearing here as a dark overlord, because we haven't figured out how to ruin him yet.

Female voice on P.A. system: ...the Oscorp Tower houses 108 floors of innovation.

NC (vo; as the female voice on P.A. system): We are especially excited about our evil lizard man division. Obviously, we don't care what we do here, as long as the color green is involved.

(While sneaking into Oscorp, Peter encounters his high school crush, Gwen Stacy, who works as a tour guide and as a fellow scientist working alongside Dr. Curt Connors)

NC (vo): He comes across a girl in his class named Gwen Stacy, played by Emma Stone, who works with Dr. Connors, played by Rhys Ifans (pronounces it "Reese If-fans"). Crossing my fingers I said that right... (The words "Pronounced REESE EE-FINS" pops up) Dammit!

Dr. Connors: I want to create a world without weakness.

NC: (shrugs and shakes head) Doing a bang-up job there.

NC (vo): Gwen figures out quickly, though, that Peter is not supposed to be there.

Gwen: Following me?

Peter: (laughing) No, I'm not following you, no, I'm not. I had no idea you worked here.

Gwen: Why would you be here?

Peter: I just snuck in because I...I love science.

NC: So the romance between these two always seems to hover in between...

(Shots of Peter and Gwen are shown, along with the following words that NC says...)

NC (vo): ..."Adorably Likable" and "JESUS STOP THE HANG-UP FIRST SHIT".

(A montage of clips of Peter and Gwen is shown, along with an image of an angry red face gnashing its teeth as it slides between the two phrases. By the end of every single clip, the angry face slides over to the "Adorably Likable line" just as it was about to stay in the "Stop the Hang-Up" line. The first clip shows Peter and Gwen in school)

Peter: I was just touching up stuff.

Gwen: You were "touching up stuff"?

Peter: (laughs) I'm not gonna answer that.

(Then we cut to another clip, as Peter holds up a bouquet of flowers to Gwen)

Peter: Got you...these.

Gwen: Oh, lo-lovely.

Peter: They were– They were nice. (sniffs)

Gwen: No, they're beautiful.

(Then we have a third clip, with Peter and Gwen sitting on a park bench)

Peter: I really like kissing you. You're an amazing kisser.

Gwen: (laughs) Well, you know, it was good for me, too.

NC: (shaking finger) You always just make it, (holds index finger and thumb inches from one another) but you're like that close!

(The movie proper resumes, showing Peter entering a lab where a "biocable" is under development from genetically modified spiders)

NC (vo): Peter finds himself in a room of spiders and...spoilers...he bites one of them.

(Actually, one of the spiders bites him)

NC: Oh, that's right, it's the other way around. Sorry, I've seen this scene done so rarely.

(On the subway, Peter is catching a quick nap and a homeless-looking man puts a bottle of beer on his forehead for some reason)

NC (vo): This results in him having a strange reaction to bums using his head as a coaster. I feel like a lot of people would have a strange reaction to that.

(A bit of the liquid that forms on the outside of drink containers runs down the bottle and drips onto Peter's head, waking him up from his nap. He gets up with a start)

NC (vo; as Peter): BEER!!

(In getting up, he accidentally puts his hand on the sleeve of a female passenger)

Bum: Get your hand off her!

Peter: (his hand is stuck there) I'm trying.

(Fed up with Peter, the bum lashes out and shoves Peter away. In doing so, he accidentally tears off the female passenger's shirt. The female passenger is embarrassed as other passengers laugh)

Bum: (infuriated) Are you kidding? Are you freakin' kidding me?!

NC: Who is this guy?!

NC (vo): He's upset someone's acting rude after he places a beer on someone's head, and somehow, he riles everyone up to fight Peter!

NC: I wish the spider bit him. (An image of Spider-Man is shown, with the bum's head instead) I want to see the crazy-ass shit he would do.

(Peter attempts to get out of the conflict, but his growing, uncontrollable spider skills keep on escalating the fight, eventually ending with Peter winning it)

NC (vo): Despite that, I do love this fight, because it's basically a comedy of errors. Every move is accidental, but works in Peter's favor. I love how he holds up his arm, knowing it's pointless, like... (An image is shown in the corner of Wile E. Coyote standing on thin air and, resigned to the inevitability of falling, holding up a sign reading the classic Looney Tunes sign-off, "THAT'S ALL FOLKS!", before he falls) ...the Coyote waving before he falls, but it actually works with his new powers.

Peter: (seeing all the people he had knocked out while others cower in terror) I'm so sorry!

NC (vo; as Peter): I learned self-defense on Bing, so like anything on there, if I succeeded, it's completely by accident. (normal) This causes him to get home late, upsetting Uncle Ben and Aunt May, played effectively by Sally Field.

(A fly is buzzing around, but Peter quickly catches it in his fingers. Ben and May are surprised, as is Peter)

May: That's a fly, Peter.

(Peter opens his fingers and the fly escapes. Peter nervously shakes his hand)

NC: (scratching his neck) Why does it feel weird to see Spider-Man acting like a...spider man?

(Peter sits at his computer, doing a search on...)

NC (vo; as Peter): Bing! Bing will have my answers!

(But as Peter starts doing a search on spiders and Richard Parker at the same time, he starts typing various random keys and realizes, to his shock, that the keys are stuck to his fingers. He accidentally rips the keys off the computer in trying to pull his hands off)

NC: (chuckles) Well, this will make other morning activities fun.

(One day, Peter goes to see Dr. Connors at his home)

NC (vo): Peter tries to get some answers from Dr. Connors and reveals that he's the son of his old partner, Richard Parker.

Dr. Connors: We were gonna change the lives of millions. The problem was always...

Peter: The decay rate algorithm?

NC (vo; as Peter): Let me go out on a limb. I mean, let me lend you a hand. I mean, I'd give my right arm if I could...!

NC: (beat) Your arm is missing. Fuck, I'm so bad at this!

NC (vo): Peter, through his father's research, figures out the algorithm to cross species with hopefully no side effe– (A shot of Dr. Connors as Lizard is shown) There are side effects.

(Then we cut to the next day at Peter's school's basketball court, where a basketball game is happening at the exact same time banners are being painted)

NC (vo): The next day at school, banners are being painted on the basketball court while players practice. This seems like a sensible place to do it. (A basketball inadvertently knocks a bucket of paint over, spilling paint everywhere) Clearly, if anything goes wrong, it's the players' fault.

(A girl painting the banner is irritated at the paint being spilled and gets up to see who through that: it's Flash)

Girl: You did that on purpose, Flash!

NC: (as this girl) I'm gonna continue this on the buzz saw in shop class, where it's safe!

Flash: (to the girl) No, but I should have. You better watch your back.

NC (vo; as Flash): That's right, teen girl half my size who looks like a threat. (normal) Flash is weird in this.

(Flash tries to grab the basketball away from Peter, who is holding the basketball in his hands, where it's stuck)

NC (vo): Parker, of course, uses this opportunity to stick up for her, embarrassing the bully.

(Peter leaps into the air toward the basket at the end of the court. The girl painting stares, as does everyone else. In getting the basketball off of him, Peter slam-dunks the basketball so hard that he accidentally shatters the glass on the backboard. One cheerleader, chewing and blowing up bubble gum, pops it, while a group of cheerleaders, standing on top of one another's shoulders, tumble down to the ground, screaming. As Peter lands, the shattered glass falls in a shower to the ground, along with the hoop)

NC (vo; as school principal): That's it! You're going to detention! (The next scene shows Peter in the school hall with Uncle Ben) And the basketball team. Practice starts at 7AM sharp!

(Peter and Ben later walk slowly and solemnly together in the hallway)

Ben: So all this is about getting even?

NC (vo): Ben bawls Peter out for acting insensitive and showing off, moments before he acts insensitive and shows him off.

Ben: (seeing Gwen appear behind Peter and speaks to her) He's got you on his computer. I'm his probation officer.

NC: (as Ben) Total creeper! (An image of a squirrel with Gwen's head is shown) He puts your head on squirrels' bodies! He has all sorts of issues!

(One day, Peter spends a day attempting to control his new spider abilities and skills while using his skateboard)

NC (vo): After talking with Gwen, he tries out some of his new abilities in what I suppose is supposed to be a training montage, but honestly, it comes across more like a jeans commercial.

(The training montage is shown set to music from a Levi's Jeans commercial, and it ends with the Levi's logo appearing in the corner. Later, Peter spends the day helping Connors out with his experiment of regenerating limbs, but in doing so, he neglects to take Aunt May home, and comes home to find her and Uncle Ben disappointed in him)

NC (vo): Peter tries the algorithm out with Connors once again, causing him to be late to pick up Aunt May.

Ben: That's what at stake here: responsibility.

Peter: Where's my dad? He didn't think it was his responsibility to be here and tell me this himself?

NC (vo): I like that Peter and Ben's blow-up seems more built up over time... (Cut to the clip of the earlier Spider-Man movie, where Ben gives Peter some advice in the car) ...unlike the original, where he just kind of snaps out of nowhere. Both their performances feel very justified and believable.

(We then cut to Peter at a convenience store, where he buys a small bottle of chocolate milk)

NC (vo): Of course, it doesn't help that it's followed by a Curb Your Enthusiasm bit.

Cashier: (to Peter) You can leave a penny any time; you have to spend ten dollars to take a penny.

Peter: Look, I have two cents.

Cashier: (getting impatient) If you can't afford your milk, just step aside.

NC: This is where he takes a baseball bat, (An image of William Foster from Falling Down holding a baseball bat is shown) starts smashing up all the items and says, "TOO MUCH!"

NC (vo): The guy behind Peter robs the place as Peter just watches.

(The robber helpfully tosses Peter his bottle of milk after emptying out the cash register and then Peter leaves. The cashier runs out toward him)

Cashier: Hey, kid, a little help?

Peter: Not my policy.

NC: (as Peter) I missed the part where that's not my policy... (groans; normal) You see why you need to be your own thing?

NC (vo): At least I'm sure they'll do something different with Uncle Ben... (As the robber flees, he runs into Ben. They struggle and the robber guns him down before fleeing) Yeah, okay.

(Peter spots Ben lying dead on the ground, a gunshot wound on his stomach)

NC (vo; as Ben): Tell Emilio I still know he exists.

Peter: (screaming) SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE! Oh, Uncle Ben! Uncle Ben!

NC (vo): The police put a warrant out for the lead singer of Hanson and Peter becomes completely obsessed with his dead father– I mean, completely obsessed with his dead uncle. (An image of Mayor Joe Quimby from The Simpsons is superimposed; as Quimby) He can have two dings.

(At school, as Peter is brooding over his loss, Flash comes over to gently speak with him)

Peter: Not today, Flash.

Flash: Hey, come on, man. I just wanna talk... (Suddenly, Peter ragingly grabs Flash by the neck and holds him against the lockers. Everyone in the hall gasps at this sight) It feels better, right? I'm sorry.

NC (vo): I like that Flash sympathizes with him, again, giving the people in this world a little bit more dimension. But did they need to use that reality show gasp sound effect?

(The scene replays with said gasp. Then we cut to a clip of an episode of MasterChef)

Graham Elliot: (opening a box containing...) You own cookbook!

(The audience gasps in the same way that the students in the film do. Then we cut back, showing Peter attempting to track down and fight criminals that have the killer's description)

NC (vo): He [Peter] stops criminals, trying to find Uncle Ben's killer, realizing he's gonna need to hide his identity.

(He spots a poster with a luchador's mask (in the vague design of Spider-Man) on it, with a message reading, "El Cruzado de la Noche". Later, having donned that kind of mask, he spots a fleeing crook, but stops him with a newly-made web shooter, knocking him to the ground. Then he comes up to him)

NC (vo; as crook): My God, I was just attacked by El Cruzado!

(As the police close in, Peter flees. Then we cut to a closeup of Peter in his mask, which has a pair of sunglasses on it. The camera focuses on his face as he walks down the street, the camera shaking around behind him)

NC: You thought that camera angle would make him look...less silly.

(After perfecting his web-shooters and crafting a newly-made red and blue mask and costume, he goes out on a test flight)

NC (vo): He crafts his web-slingers, practices swinging around, and eventually perfects his Spider-Man costume.

(The film's version of the Spider-Man suit is first shown. NC looks visibly uncomfortable)

NC: (rubbing his neck) "Perfects" is a...kind word.

(An image of a confused Dark Helmet from Spaceballs is displayed, along with the words "KIND = WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?" In the movie, Peter, now wearing his Spider-Man costume, sits on the edge of a tall building and talks on his cell phone)

Spider-Man: Hey, Aunt May. Yeah. Eggs? Organic, got it.

NC: Yeah, let's use the real voice he would have with that mask on.

(The scene is replayed, but with muffled mumbling sounds in place of what Spider-Man is saying)

NC: Yet he still mumbles less than Maguire. (Another image of Tobey Maguire is shown)

(Then we go to a commercial. After the commercial, the movie resumes with Peter in his room)

NC (vo): So, here's the thing: While Garfield is not the young Peter Parker the comics portrayed, I would argue he's more the Spider-Man the comics portrayed. (Shots of Spider-Man in the comics are shown) Spider-Man was a jokester, had good one-liners, and could be confident to the point of being almost a jerk. (Cut back to Spider-Man in this movie) I feel like that's more of what we got here, as he's legit pretty funny.

(A montage of clips is shown to prove his point)

Spider-Man: (sitting in a car, to a car thief) Get the window, get out of the window. (The thief does so) There you go, you got it. / (to a motorcycle cop) I just did eighty percent of your job! / (talking on a cell phone) You mother Hubbard!

Car Thief: Are you a cop?

Spider-Man: Really?

NC (vo): I mean, what zingers did Maguire have?

(A montage of clips of Maguire as Spider-Man plays)

Spider-Man: (throwing a bag of money at Doc Ock) Here's your change! / (to the Green Goblin) It's you who's out, Gobby – out of your mind!

NC: (holding up both hands) One-liners was not their specialty.

Snooty Usher (Bruce Campbell; from Spider-Man 2): It helps maintain the illusion.

NC: Except for him! That goes without saying. (A shot of J. Jonah Jameson is shown in the corner, accompanied by the word "Hey!")

(Back to the movie. Spider-Man is confronting a car thief, and has webbed him up, sticking him to the wall)

Car Thief: Knock it off, man. (Spider-Man mimics sneezing, emitting more webs from his nose, which hits the thief in the crotch) No!

NC (vo; singing): Spider-Prick! Spider-Prick! Fucker will nail you in the dick!

(After spending a night out as Spider-Man, Peter goes home to Aunt May, with bruises on his head)

NC (vo): Aunt May becomes concerned, though, with Peter returning home with bruises.

Aunt May: Who does this to you?

NC (vo; as Peter): I wanna take karate, ma!

Aunt May: Peter! Secrets have a cost; they're not for free

NC (vo; as Aunt May): Remember, if you can do good things for good people, you have a moral obligation to...oh, Christ! How did it go again?

(Meanwhile, Dr. Connors is getting positive results from his experiment, and reports them to his boss, Rajit Ratha)

Dr. Connors: Cross-species genetics is finally working.

NC (vo): Dr. Connors is making progress with his experiments, but Oscorp tells him he has to move forward with human trials, as apparently, Norman Osborn's life depends on it.

Dr. Connors: I've used lizard DNA to help Freddie regrow that limb.

Rajit Ratha (Irrfan Khan): It's a miracle.

NC: (as Dr. Connors) He's catching flies with his tongue, but aside from that, he's doing great.

(When Connors refuses to go ahead with human trials, Ratha threatens to fire him and give his experiment to another company. In desperation, Connors performs the human trials on himself. Meanwhile, Peter goes to Gwen's house to dinner, where he meets her father, Captain George Stacy, who shows determination to capture Spider-Man)

NC (vo): He's shut down though, because he can't do human trials fast enough, so naturally, he experiments on himself. Meanwhile, Peter is invited to Gwen's house for dinner, where he discovers his latest enemy, a police captain who wants Spider-Man arrested, played by Denis Leary, is his girlfriend's father.

NC: Hmmm... We'll just steal that for Homecoming. (Puts an image of Liz inside the title of Spider-Man: Homecoming shown in the corner) There we go. (nods)

Howard Stacy: Did you catch that spider guy yet?

Captain Stacy: He's an amateur, assaulting civilians.

Peter: I think most people would say that he was providing a public service.

Captain Stacy: Most people would be wrong.

NC: It's not even accurate. Batman blows it? He probably saved thousands in property damage alone.

NC (vo): I like Peter has to really face off with the pros and cons of being a vigilante, as he ruins a case for the cops following a car thief to bigger criminals, but he turned then in too quickly, not knowing. (Later, Peter and Gwen speak on the rooftop) I also like it only takes one movie to reveal to his girlfriend who he really is. And I'm not gonna lie, it's a pretty hot reveal.

Gwen: Fine.

(Just as she is about to walk away, Peter shoots out a web to her and brings her in close to him, much to her surprise, and it causes her to realize who he is)

NC (vo; as Gwen): Do me.

(At a bridge, Connors, having performed an apparently successful human trial, has arrived to catch up with Ratha, but on the way, he undergoes a horrendous side effect, and by the time he's at the bridge, he has turned into a half-man, half-lizard hybrid, tossing cars over the side and leaving them hanging dangerously)

NC (vo): Of course, Connors's experiment goes awry and he starts transforming into the Lizard, a monsters who throws car off a bridge and are... (becomes confused) webbed offscreen? Forgot to schedule a talk with your editor there?

(Spider-Man arrives on the scene, having snatched every falling car with his web-lines, and is about to face the escaping Lizard, until he hears a call for help)

Jack's Father: Somebody help! Help me, my kid is trapped!

NC: (as Jack's Father) And the Lizard should really have a snout! (A shot of the cover of a Spider-Man comic with the Lizard on it is shown) I meant, I know it's a nitpick, but look at him, he looks weird!

(Spider-Man goes over to the car in question and spots Jack in there)

Jack: Help! Hey! Help!

Peter: (taking off his mask) Look, look! Just a normal guy.

NC (vo; as Peter): With that said, if you tell anyone who I am, I'll kill you. Normal guy, but I will kill you.

(Spider-Man saves Jack and brings him to his father)

Jack's father: (hugging his son) Jack! Oh, God.

(As NC speaks, we are shown Spider-Man finally giving his name to Jack's father, then returns home, where Peter looks at his mask and realizes his newfound purpose as the vigilante. Later, he goes to see Connors at his lab)

NC (vo): I enjoy that, around this point, his quest becomes less about revenge, looking for Uncle Ben's killer, and more about helping others. Which as far as I know, transitioning from revenge to crime-fighting is not part of the Spider-Man origin, but I kinda like it; it adds an extra layer. But things heat up when Parker goes to Connors and discovers his toy lightsaber is transforming him into the Lizard. And even that healed-up rat is having a few...issues.

(Peter turns and sees the test rat they had injected with the serum has morphed into a lizard-rat creature and is eating the normal mouse in the next cage)

NC (vo; as Freddie the rat): NAAAARF!

NC (vo): Nobody believes Parker that the Lizard is real, so he tries getting a picture for proof, locating him in the sewers.

(In the sewer tunnel, after Connors has transformed into the Lizard, he finds Spider-Man lying on a giant web in the sewers and grabs hold of him, just as a camera that Spider-Man has with him flashes, taking a picture)

NC (vo; as The Lizard): Did you know that you can save 15% or more on car insurance?

(Suddenly, they fall through the giant web and fight underwater with Spider-Man escaping through a pipe that the Lizard can't follow through)

NC (vo; as Spider-Man): Well, that's ironic. Down came the rain and washed me out. (normal) Peter gets away, but in easily the dumbest scene in the movie, he leaves his name on the camera! Major genius, my ass! That's like Clark Kent taking his Superman outfit to be dry-cleaned! (An image of the Superman costume hanging on a door is superimposed)

(The Lizard sees that the camera has the label "Property of Peter Parker" on it. Cut to a clip of an episode of The Simpsons)

Bart Simpson: D'oh!

(We then cut back to the movie, showing Peter recovering at Gwen's house, then we see the Lizard slowly taking over Connors' mind and soul, and then goes on a rampage, looking for Peter at his school)

NC (vo): After a funny and even touching moment where Gwen helps mend Peter, Connors goes more and more crazy, tracking Peter down to his school.

(The Lizard smashes through the doors of the school)

NC (vo; as hall monitor): Sir, you need a hall pass.

(The Lizard and Peter, now Spider-Man again, fight in the school, part of which goes through a classroom, where Stan Lee makes an appearance, wearing headphones. The Lizard throws a table at Lee, but Spider-Man catches it with his web before it can hit him. Lee walks off, oblivious to the fight because of his headphones)

NC (vo): The fight scene is fun and leads to one of my favorite Stan Lee cameos, as well as something I bet you never thought you'd see in a Spider-Man film up to this point: a girl do something!

(As the Lizard is attacking Spider-Man, Gwen suddenly arrives and attacks the Lizard with a trophy, causing the Lizard's attention to focus on her)

The Lizard: Gwen!

NC: Oh, come on! Clearly, you should be falling off a building or hanging onto something.

(Ask and you shall receive. The Lizard throws Gwen out a school window and she starts to fall, but Spider-Man shoots a web at her to save her. She swings onto an overhang to safety)

NC (vo): That's both! Okay, I'm impressed. The Lizard gets away, and we see something else I bet you never thought you'd see in a Spider-Man movie back then: the police kicking ass!

(The police fire machine guns at the Lizard and then close in on him as he cringes and backs away. He then falls over in a pile. The police stop shooting and move in)

NC: (as a policeman, pretending to hold up a gun) Well, how about that, men? We may get a policeman comic coming soon...

(Suddenly, however, the Lizard comes to...)

NC (vo; as a cop): No, shit, we still suck!

(...and throws a gas canister at the police, which emits a green gas that engulfs the police and turns them into lizard creatures themselves)

NC (vo): He releases a gas, turning the cops into lizards, as he believes that'll create a stronger race. Gwen starts working on an antidote, while the cops knock out Spider-Man in their search for the Lizard.

(One policeman pulls off Spider-Man's mask)

NC (vo; as Peter): Taking off my mask? (Peter Parker's face is revealed) Oh, shit, they are...! (He fires his webs at the police, knocking them down) Okay, you die, you die, you die, all of you die!

Captain Stacy: (having discovered Spider-Man's identity) Parker!

Peter: He's headed to Oscorp, and your daughter's there right now!

(Spider-Man, wounded by a gunshot from the police earlier, struggles to make it to Oscorp's tower, but with the help of several crane operators, he is given a path to swing safely towards Oscorp)

NC (vo): He convinces the police captain to let him go. In yet another attempt to recreate the first one, a bunch of New Yorkers band least the crane operators. Which they are a lot of...conveniently, all on this long stretch...who help Spider-Man swing towards the Lizard.

(Spider-Man swings through New York)

NC (vo; as New Yorker #1): Yeah! You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York! (as New Yorker #2) Uh, we don't have to say that this time. (as New Yorker #1) Oh, thank God!

(Meanwhile, Gwen is in the building, trying to develop a cure for the Lizard's chemicals, but is forced to hide when the Lizard comes in)

NC (vo; flatly): Oh, no. Looks like Gwen's gonna be the damsel in distress...

(Not quite, however, as the second the Lizard discovers her hiding place, Gwen blasts the Lizard's hand with a flamethrower)

NC: (mimicking a loud fanboy denying that there's anything good in this film) Clearly, everything was better in the other films. (Clips of the first three movies are shown of Mary Jane screaming as she faces some kind of peril) That's just good writing.

(Despite Gwen's attack, the Lizard still manages to grab the device for his plan to turn the citizens into lizard beings like himself, and Gwen goes to tell her father)

NC (vo): Granted, he did still get the device he needed to turn everyone into lizard people, but she tells her dad what's going on.

Gwen: You don't understand!

Captain Stacy: I do. Your boyfriend is a man of many masks. I get it.

NC: (as Capt. Stacy) We're both written as competent in this. It'll take a little getting used, but I think it's a good thing.

(Spider-Man and the Lizard face each other in a final confrontation)

NC (vo): As you'd imagine, fighting the Lizard is a difficult task, even for the webslinger.

The Lizard: (having an unmasked Peter in his grasp) Poor Peter Parker.

NC (vo; as The Lizard): ...picked a peck of pickled peppers. (The words "EVERYBODY'S MADE THAT JOKE!"; normal) I know, but it is so funny!

Captain Stacy: (confronting the Lizard) He's not alone! 

NC (vo; as Capt. Stacy): Thank God I arrived with no backup.

(Stacy fires a shot at the Lizard)

NC: I mean, maybe he radioed them in and they're on their way, but time was of the essence, so he had to head up there early... (becomes aggravated) I just want to believe there's smart cops in movies! 

(Eventually, Peter stops the Lizard's plan and uses the cure to restore Connors and other victims to normal, and Peter runs over to a wounded Stacy, who was stabbed by the Lizard earlier)

NC (vo): The captain is hurt, but Parker turn Connors back, and they stop the...lizard bomb from going off. 

Captain Stacy: I was wrong about you, Peter. The city needs you. You're gonna make enemies. 

NC (vo; as Capt. Stacy): Maguire fanboys mostly. (as Peter) The guy that's been memed a million times? (as Stacy) Don't try to understand it, just promise I won't be a meme in the next movie. (as Peter) Umm... (as Stacy) I just guaranteed it'll happen, didn't I? (as Peter) Yeah, you did. (as Stacy) Fucking Internet!

(Later, Peter and Gwen attend Stacy's funeral, with Peter not talking to Gwen during this event, and Gwen later goes to speak with him at his house)

NC (vo): The captain dies, and Peter keeps his distance from Gwen, trying to honor his wishes. Oh, Christ, we have to go through yet another forced breakup we know isn't gonna last and the characters are too stupid to figure it out...?

Gwen: He made you promise, didn't he? To stay away from me? (Peter looks depressed)

NC: (stunned) Okay, this is a comedy show; I have to hold on to some stupid characters here. 

(The film's final scenes play out, with Peter giving up his quest on finding Uncle Ben's killer, instead preferring to use his Spider-Man identity to protect New York City from other forms of injustice, and at school, Peter hints to Gwen that he may still see her in the future)

NC (vo): I guess it does end on kind of a...confusing note, as Gwen and Peter's relationship isn't the only thing pointlessly open-ended. We have the mystery of Peter's parents and the mystery of Uncle Ben's killer...which isn't a mystery, it's this guy. (The robber who tossed Peter the milk before later killing Ben is shown) What was even gonna be discovered with that? 

NC: (exaggerating) Oh, my God! He's a singer for Nickelback! Now I hate him even more!

(The movie ends with the city street reflected in Spider-Man's eyes before he swings off through the city)

NC (vo; as Spider-Man): Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: (slightly quickly) "If you can do good things for other people, you have a moral obligation to do those things. That's what at stake here: not choice; responsibility." Just rolls right off the tongue.

(The camera ends on a freeze of Spider-Man as he fires another web in mid-air)

NC: And that was The Amazing Spider-Man. Is it good? (shrugs) In my opinion, clearly, yes. (pauses awkwardly, then holds up index finger) But...

(We cut to footage of this movie one last time as NC gives his final thoughts on it)

NC (vo): The previous films are more unique, iconic, and I can see why people would like them more. I get the feeling this film was chopped up a lot in editing, as when you watch the teaser, there's tons of breathtaking shots that make you feel like you're free-falling. And in the film, we get bits of that, but not for very long. The reason I bring that up is, had the film utilized more of those long shots and some of the more colorful sequences, I think we could have had one of the great Spider-Man flicks. It would have helped give it more of an identity. As is, its strength is in its performances and its dialogue, as I really like these characters and want to see them in more good movies. I think Garfield is a great Spider-Man, and while not an authentic young Peter Parker, he is still an interesting young Peter Parker. (Cut to a shot of Peter Parker in the comics) Remember, he does evolve in the comics from a dweeby teen boy to a strong confident man. And I just get that latter half much more from Garfield than I do Maguire. If somehow, we could have Maguire as young Peter Parker and Garfield as older Peter Parker, I think we'd have a perfect combo there. For a while, this was the Spider-Man movie that was more my speed. I dug the realistic conversations over the Adam West-style dialogue, but I do see now this is a bit more run-of-the-mill. I will never forget what happens in the Raimi films, where with Webb, I remember more the feelings in the moment, but not a ton else. I don't think the strengths of the film should be pushed aside, though. The acting is good; the dialogue feels real; the web-slinging scenes, when they hold on him long enough, really make you feel like you're swinging through the air. After all the other superhero films and even Spider-Man films that came out after this, I can definitely see why some couldn't get on board with this flick. But it's still worth acknowledging what worked in it, especially knowing the time frame and limitations they had to work with. Is it amazing? I guess not. But in my opinion, it's still a decent Spider-Man.

NC: And that's the end of March, so that's the end of Spider Month! Thank you all so much for watching! (pauses awkwardly) I mean, I guess I could go one day more,'d have to be like something really special. I mean, something really big. (laughs) It'd have to be the absolute worst Spider-Man movie ever made!

(Smash cut to the following words: "NEXT WEEK: THE WORST SPIDER-MAN MOVIE EVER MADE")

Channel Awesome taglineCashier: If you can't afford your milk, just step aside.

(The credits roll)

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