The Adventures of Pluto Nash


Alternate pluto nash title nc.jpg

April 5, 2016

(NC 2016 opening. We cut to the Nostalgia Critic on his phone. After a while, he notices the viewers watching)

NC: Really? You clicked on this? You know this is Pluto Nash, right? This is, like, one of the biggest box office bombs that ever existed. I'd much rather you watch a video on the sidescroller (shows image of the Vessel Side Bar) than put me to work through this. It's really okay, I won't mind. There's lots more interesting videos. Look. There's Cinema Snob reviewing...

(Cut to a title card with the Snob in the foreground)

NC (vo): ... How Naked Kirk Cameron Saved Naked Michael Myers on Naked Christmas.

CS: The twist is, it's really Naked Kwanzaa.

NC: Wouldn't you much rather watch that? (sighs) Okay. If you're so insistent, let's go ahead and take a look at this stinker.

(Cut to Malcolm and Tamara celebrating and pouring a bottle of champagne next to a whiteboard that says, "Day Off!!!")

Tamara: Whoo-hoo!

Malcolm: Day off, baby!

Tamara: Yes!

NC: No, no, guys. They're watching the video.

(Malcolm and Tamara are stumped)

Malcolm: They are?

Tamara: But... they know it's Pluto Nash, right?

NC: That's what I told them, but they're still watching.

Tamara: But we were gonna get drunker than... someone who watched Pluto Nash!

NC: Yeah, I know, but they wanna see a review of it, so get in your costumes!

(Annoyed Malcolm and Tamara walk away while glowering at the camera)

Malcolm: Thanks a lot, dickholes.

Tamara: You can take your love of Eddie Murphy and shove it up your ass!

NC: Funny, most Eddie Murphy movies don't stop a drinking bender, they usually start them.

(We see the movie's title, followed by the movie's clips)

NC (vo): Known as the most expensive yet lazy comedic bomb since (shows image of...) Netanyahu spoke at the UN, Pluto Nash lacks any sort of charm, originality, and yes, even comedy, in what's supposed to be a charming, original and comedic film. This movie's put on God knows how many worst films ever lists, and in many respects, I can understand. But in others, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. Hell, they didn't even put the effort into convert it to Blu-Ray, they cared so little!

NC: It's so not worth the effort, I am literally phoning in this review right now. (Cut to the video being played on a cell phone) Yeah, I'm not even here. I'm not wasting my time on this shit. I'm actually preparing for the next review.

(We cut to NC in his dressing room, holding a Batman costume and a Superman costume. He notices the camera)

NC: I swear this isn't a clue.

(Back to NC in his room)

NC: So let's start off with the joke I know you're all waiting for me to make.

(Cut to Nash Bozard with a picture of Pluto beside him)

Nash: Trust me, this is trying harder than anything in the film.

NC: This is Pluto Nash.

(The movie starts)

NC (vo): After reading a slew of actors, thinking to yourself, "Oh, yeah! They were a thing because they were in that... thing," we see Jay Mohr doing horrible as a musician in a bar.

NC: How do we know he's doing bad? Because he has an accordion, of course.

(We see Anthony Frankowski (Mohr) performing on a stage with an accordion)

NC (vo): Apparently, we still like this nerdy cliche.

NC: Oh, what? Was the taped-up glasses, bow tie and holding books musician not available? (We see a photo of that exact-looking person)

NC (vo): He also seems to be the owner of the bar, who serves his friend just because the script says he's his friend, Eddie Murphy.

(We see Anthony serving Pluto Nash (Murphy) a drink)

Pluto Nash: Wow.

Anthony: Here you go, Pluto.

(An alarm sounds as a large caption saying, "INSERT IMMEDIATE PROBLEM" is shown)

NC (vo): Insert immediate problem!

NC: When you hear the name "Pluto Nash", what's the first thing that comes into your head? (brief cut to Nash) After that... B-movie, space adventures, goofy characters, shooting laser guns.

NC (vo): But the strange thing about this film is, there's surprisingly not much of that. Don't get me wrong. There are some space suits and robots and such, but the story is mostly a straightforward mystery. Hell, it surprisingly kind of takes its storyline very seriously. Just look at all these serious conversations they have.

(We see a montage of some characters talking seriously)

Rowland: Marucci had the bucks, he had the background.

Dina Lake: Why is he so set in buying your club?

Pluto: He's got into the city council 'cause they're about to approve gambling in this town.

Rowland: A claw doctor named Runa Pendankin.

Mona Zimmer: Runa was dealing with some pretty heavy characters, but she didn't tell me who.

NC: So if you're gonna be lame enough to actually tell us we're supposed to take this story seriously, how seriously can we take it if we're constantly hearing...?

(Another montage of characters saying Pluto's name is shown)

Man: Pluto!

Rowland: Pluto.

Anthony: Pluto.

Bletcher: Pluto.

Dina: Pluto!

Man 2: Pluto!

Rowland: Pluto.

Man 3: Pluto?

(Cut to a clip from a Disney cartoon known as Pluto and the Armadillo)

Mickey Mouse: Pluto! Hey, Pluto!

NC: Not much!

NC (vo): Greatest irony is Murphy talks to Mohr about changing his act as well as his name because it sounds so ridiculous, but this could just as easily be him talking about the movie's name and act. If the movie (represented by the poster) sat down next to Murphy saying its name was Pluto Nash, he'd be like...

Pluto: That's not even a thing. Did you make that up? Horrible. It's horrible. You know what you need to do? You need Tony Francis. You like that? (the movie nods) Change your name.

NC: Or something more sensible like (picture of) Jupiter Jones.

NC (vo): So, Pluto is busy doing... unexplained occupation... as Adrian's brother comes in, proving once and for all that less should equal more.

Anthony: Pluto's my best friend.

(A funnel is shoved in Anthony's mouth as the mobsters plan to pour battery acid down his throat)

NC (vo; as Anthony): Please, kill my career! My biggest claim of fame is working with Mafia. (as mobster) You mean us? (as Anthony) (poster for Mafia!) No, the comedy that bombed almost as big as this one!

Gino: He's a little backed up.

NC (vo): It looks like Mohr owes them money, but Pluto - God, I hope I never get used to saying that - steps in and says he'll cover his debt with mysterious income as well as buy the bar.

Gino: My gift to you.

NC (vo): We cut to a mere seven years later in...almost the exact same establishing shot... (The two shots are shown side by side)

NC: Yeah, they're showing this city from so many angles like "above shot" and "slightly left of the above shot".

NC (vo): the bar is really taken off and turned into a dance club. (Shots of the crowd dancing to the music are shown) Hey, everybody, do the Not-Trying. Okay, place your bets now. Eighteen and under club, or Mormon rave.

(The polls are in as he looks at them. 18 and Under Club: 20%. Mormon Rave: 10% Ironic Space Mutiny Party: 70%)

NC: Oooh, a third option. (Clip of Space Mutiny plays) Ironic Space Mutiny Party.

NC (vo): So Pluto - God, what cruel parents - comes across a young waitress looking for work to pay her way home, played by Rosario Dawson.

Dina: My moon card expired and I was told you were the one person in town who might actually overlook that.

NC (vo): (sighs) Rosie, you said "yes" to a movie that had the word "moon card" in it.

NC: What's next? (Poster for Clerks II appears) Clerks II? Only if there's a love scene with a donkey.

NC (vo): Actually, to Dawson's credit, even when she's in bad movies, she always looks like the only one who's ever freaking trying. Everyone else acts like they can do this role in their sleep. In fact, I think Murphy is half the time.

Pluto: You know what time it is? Don't be calling me this time of night. What's wrong with you?

NC: (as Pluto) Oh, sorry. Sometimes I sleepwalk with my eyes open. Was I talking in my sleep, too?

NC (vo): But two representatives of Rex Crater—

NC: Okay, did they steal these names from the C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? (Poster for Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa)

NC (vo): —want to buy his club for $10 million dollars. Or as they call it, 10 million Hillarys. (The money has Hillary Clinton's face on the bills)

(NC is stunned by that joke)

NC: Okay, this is a tough one, because at of the date this review is coming out, I don't know if this is incredibly clever or incredibly dated. So, for the first time ever, I am giving you a multiple choice joke.

(A caption pops up saying "Choose After November 8, 2016")

NC (vo): Just come back after November 8th and choose from one of these options.


NC: Well, they can obviously throw that prop in the fire. It wouldn't be the first time she felt the Bern. (he means Bernie Sanders)


NC: Well, she bought the rest of Hollywood to get the Presidency. Are we really surprised by this?

Or C: (which happened to be just correct...)

(Cut to statues of Donald Trump in the background as NC, dressed like a Nazi (with a T in place of a hooked cross), rants in mock German about keeping out Muslims and building a wall, before cartoon hammers goose-step past him to build The Wall)

NC (vo): Pluto turns them down and asks his bodyguard android (Bruno), played by Canada's most dangerous criminal, Randy Quaid, to escort them out.

Bruno: Model sixty-three.

Man: Talk about ancient.

Bruno: Your sister didn't seem to mind.

Man: Screw you, robot!

(Bruno grabs the man and throws him into a chair)

NC: Boy, that metal plate in (picture of Cousin) Eddie's head had bigger consequences than I thought.

NC (vo): After Dawson slips into her most comfortable hatching out of a vagina made out of cray paper outfit...

NC: Come on, ladies, you all know you have one.

NC (vo): ... both her and Pluto drink some moonshine...

NC: (not impressed) I'll spit on that joke later. (takes scene and throws it to the ground) Why wait? (spits on the scene)

NC (vo): ...and he looks over his finances on plastic paper. Because, you know, plastic paper equals THE FUTURE! (THE FUTURE comes on screen as music plays)

(An explosion occurs as Pluto and Dina drop to the floor for cover)

NC (vo): But his club is blown up by Rex Crater's goons. This looks like a job for his finest water pistol!

Dina: (pointing to a goon speaking into a phone) Bruno! Bruno, I think that's one of them!

Bruno: I'll intercept the call. "Nash is alive." (speaking the same words as what the goon is speaking into a phone; the goon is seen inside an egg shape) "He took off after Jimmy who is headed for the back."

NC: (confused) Thanks for the Cadbury Egg cam...

NC (vo): How exactly did layout work on that?

NC: (looking offscreen) "So, Mr. Director, what should we do for this scene?"

(A clip of a Cadbury Eggs commercial is shown)

Cadbury Bunny: Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-BWAAAK!

NC: "We're on it! Gosh, I'm so glad they didn't replace you with that other director."

(A clip of a second Cadbury Eggs commercial is shown: a lion wearing bunny ears)

Lion: (trying to cluck like the Cadbury Bunny) BWARK!

(Back to Pluto Nash)

NC (vo): They escape the gangsters and hide out as Pluto tries to ask some questions about what's going on.

Pluto: I got to get to Rex Crater.

Rowland: Forget it, nobody gets to him.

Pluto: Who the hell is this guy?

Rowland: He lives in a penthouse above the Lunar Grand Hotel. Never comes out.

Pluto: Rowland, you was a cop for twenty years. You got to have some kind of idea of who he is.

Rowland: Some people think he's a clone.

NC (vo): By God, it's amazing how not interested they are. This movie should have a menu of not-caringness.

(To Beethoven's "Fur Elise", the Critic opens up a menu, labeled "Movie Menu", and looks over the menu items on there; everything he says happens appropriately in the movie)

NC: Hmm, yes. I might want the disinterested acting with a hint of tiredness, though I've heard great things about the half-assed acting with a splash of who-gives-a-shit. (puts down menu) Oh, who am I kidding? I'm saving myself for the dessert of disappointing conclusion. I hear they're the most popular of Eddie Murphy movies nowadays.

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Dawson stays behind to look after Randy Quaid's rape face until some answers can be discovered.

Bruno: Where did the boss go?

Dina: I don't know. Out. He said to wait for him here.

Bruno: Out?!

NC: Okay, was he modeled after the Thermians from Galaxy Quest? (a shot of the Thermians appears in the corner)

Bruno: Where are we going, boss?

NC: (imitating Mathesar) You will find my voice as grating as a blender on your nads!

NC (vo): He gets a tip that a makeover lab might have some clues to draw him closer.

Makeover artist: What exactly did you have in mind?

Pluto: We could start with some ass resculpting (points to Dina) for her to get a little more, uh, bubblage.

NC (vo): Yeah, thanks for your help on this case. Now let me reward you by insulting your goddess-like body! How the hell does this joke even make sense?!

(In the film, the makeover artist provides Pluto and Dina with some images of them with muscular physiques)

NC (vo; flatly): Yay, that was probably impressive at the time, but now it's most likely an app on your phone!

NC: THE FUTURE! (once again, THE FUTURE comes on screen as music plays)

Pluto: (as he and Dina pose for their image) I'm thinking that you need to rethink the ass enhancement work to help out. I'm talking titties galore. Let's have titties really flowing. (in the image, Dina's breasts enlarge; Pluto is impressed) Yeah, like that! (Dina feels embarrassed as she clutches at her breasts while Pluto looks her over; her butt enlarges, too!)

NC (vo): Okay, movie, did you just forget that Rosario Dawson's body is flawless?

NC: This isn't a "d'oh, little-B men" scene.

NC (vo): This is a "what the Christ is wrong with you, you selfish asshole" scene! It's like getting (an image of a tank appears in the scene) a tank for Christmas and being like, (an arrow points to a rear wheel on the tank) "Oh, I wanted one more wheel!"

NC: Why are you such an ungrateful jackass?!

(In the movie, Pluto walks up to his mother, played by Pam Grier, who has a gun)

NC (vo): Hey, look! Pam Grier is his mother! (Pluto kisses her, and she says something, but the audio is too quiet to know what it is) There's... literally no reason for this character except to say that, so... moving on! (fast forward past this scene) They figure out they need to go to the far side of the moon to figure out who's behind this, which means leaving their incredibly, phenomenally bland city. Yeah, maybe ten or fifteen years prior to this, these designs would look cool, but...

NC: ...something really weird happened when the movie Blade Runner...

(Cut to a montage of shots from Blade Runner)

NC (vo): ...came out. For whatever reason, everybody said, "Yeah, let's make every single future city in any sci-fi film look like that!" And that's what we got for years!

(Cut to a montage of images of futuristic cities similar to those in Blade Runner and Pluto Nash, as seen in...)

NC (vo): Super Mario Bros., Judge Dredd, A.I., Total Recall (the 2012 remake), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Cloud Atlas, Demolition Man...

(Back to Pluto Nash)

NC (vo): They all look like the exact same town!

NC: I mean, were the movie gods watching from afar, saying...

(Cut to Malcolm and Tamara dressed as gods, complete with robes and gold leaf crowns, in a heavenly environment; they look grudging as they hold hands, raise their index and middle fingers together in the air and roll their eyes toward the sky; heavenly choir music plays)

Malcolm: (flatly) Now here this, every future city in film are to look exactly the same.

NC: Oh, come on, you're barely trying with that performance! (heavenly music stops)

Tamara: Yeah, because no one gives a shit if we try on this one!

NC: That's not true! These poor people are sitting through this review, hoping, nay, praying that something beneficial can finally be connected to Pluto Nash!

Malcolm: I don't even get it. We're... movie gods?

Tamara: Yeah, did you put any time into this joke?

NC: Probably not. It's Pluto Nash!

Tamara: Well, how come you get away with half-assing it, but we can't?

NC: You don't understand. I've sat through this buffet of blandness. I've tasted the nectar of indifference. I've suffered enough!

Malcolm: But we can't be making things any better! For as it is told, every time the name Pluto Nash is uttered, an accountant drags himself out into the streets and shoots himself.

NC: That is complete nonsense!

(Suddenly, he hears the sound of a gunshot; he looks toward the front door to see the body of a person lying dead on the ground outside the door)

NC: And apparently, we live next door to accountants, but nevertheless, (points to Malcolm and Tamara) you do this with passion!

Tamara: (irritably) Fine!

(They raise their index and middle fingers in the air again and hold hands again; the heavenly choir resumes)

Malcolm: (flatly) Now here this, every future city in film should look exactly the same.

NC: Hey, I said with passion!

Tamara: We are! Just with the passion of Kevin Costner. (Malcolm nods)

NC: (looks up in thought) Okay, good enough.

(We then cut to a commercial break, but the music for it starts up slowly, then suddenly dies)


(After the commercial break, we return to the review; this time, the music plays normally)

NC (vo): Our heroes end up stealing a car so they won't be tracked. Because nobody would be looking for a stolen car! And it apparently has the A.I. of John Cleese not being funny.

James: I'll give you to the count of three before I alert the authorities. One...

Pluto: I have disconnected your alarm relay.

Bruno: (holding a gun at James) So get moving, Jimmy boy.

James: (seeing the gun aimed at him) Good God, I'm being stolen!

NC: Hey, everything else from this movie is stolen. Why not you, too?

(The stolen car is seen racing down the highway and passes by a billboard labeled: "Trump Realty - If you lived here... you'd be home by now!")

NC: (eyes looking around shiftily) Again, not sure if clever or wishful thinking. (shakes head slightly)

NC (vo): Thus, they partake in a romantic scene that'll have you saying: "Boy, they memorize those lines."

Pluto: It's nice, it's nice. Look at this.

(He pushes a button on the car; the roof retracts, revealing the night sky and the signs passing by above)

NC (vo; as Pluto): Aw, come on, it's a beautiful bad green screen out tonight.

(Pluto takes some champagne glasses and gives one to Dina)

James: Don't touch those, they're for guests! (Pluto uncorks a champagne bottle and pours some champagne into the glasses) By God, he's gonna get her drunk and have his way with us!

NC: (disinterested) What do you even say to a line like that? Boo?

NC (vo): Dawson imitates the audience by falling asleep, but wakes up when they finally seem to be doing some actual space stuff: getting on space suits and jumping outside with little gravity. (after doing some of that space stuff, they go inside the lair) Well, enough of that shit! Come on, this is Pluto Nash! You were expecting more with a title like that?

NC: No, no, no, we know how invested you are in the mystery, so we're mostly gonna focus on that again!

Pluto: Computer's got no information on our mystery man.

Dina: Number said WZW, not MZM.

Pluto: Initiate search...

NC: This movie is like Mars Needs Moms. (poster for that film appears in the corner) You don't think it's gonna be good, but... you'd think you'd get something that represents the title Mars Needs Moms!

NC (vo): Instead, you get something dark, angry and upsettingly boring!

(Pluto and Dina look at an oh-so-futuristic TV screen, set to Court TV, where they see a man named M.Z.M., played by Alec Baldwin carrying a briefcase, while mobbed by TV news reporters)

NC (vo): And here's the mascot of everything dark, angry and upsettingly boring, Alec Baldwin, as he plays a character who they think is behind everything.

M.Z.M.: (to a cameraman) What're you waiting for? A dance? (prods him with briefcase) Huh? Huh?!

(The cameraman was standing too close to a stairwell, and M.Z.M.'s prodding knocks him down the stairs, to everyone's horror)

Reporter: Oh, my God!

M.Z.M.: Oh, mano. I forgot the stairs was there.

Reporter: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NC: I don't even think he's acting. I think this is just a...

NC (vo): crew witnessing a usual Baldwin outing. Oh, and for the record, he never comes back. (Pluto and Dina zoom in on the camera, revealing the briefcase's initials: "MZM") Yeah, I'm not kidding. That's his only appearance in the film. I don't know if they're tying to throw us for a loop, making us think he's the villain, but if you have a star for only a few seconds and then say, "Hey, maybe it's him!", it's probably not him.

NC: It's like thinking the surprise villain in a Spider-Man movie is (shows an shot of...) Bruce Campbell, it's probably not gonna happen! As awesome as that would be. (in the opposite corner, images of Campbell as the first three movies' respective villains pop up) I've already worked on three designs, that idea is so cool. Man, that would've saved the third movie!

(Dina pulls out a cryogenically-frozen dog from a freezer)

NC (vo): Hey, look, a cryogenically-frozen dog!

Pluto: Pop that little bitch in the particle wave for two minutes on "defrost", she'll be... (mimics dog yapping) ...running all around the room.

NC: Well, that went nowhere. Let's just throw that in the dumpster, (takes scene and throws it to the ground) with all the other scenes that seem to have no purpose.

(A black-and-white movie is being shown on the futuristic TV when the screen suddenly freezes, and a phone icon appears; the old America Online logo appears, accompanied by the call being from an unlisted number)

NC (vo): Okay, now, that joke...

NC: (pointing) ...I know I can say is dated! Unless their new catchphrase is...

(The scene plays again)

NC (vo): (as email announcer voice) "You got hosed." (normal voice) But, finally, we get a little bit of moon action, as the gangsters find them and they have a little battle outside.

(The explosion from the gangsters' bazooka-fire launches debris in all directions, including the frozen dog; a gangster catches it and looks at it with curiosity)

NC (vo; as the gangster): Eh, anybody lose a directionless joke?

(The space vacuum starts sucking things away; a maid clings for dear life to a pipe; her dress flies away, leaving only her undergarments)

NC (vo): Hey, look! The maid lost her dress!

NC: (disinterested) I don't get it either, so... (takes scene, throws it to the ground, and then spits on it)

(As two gangsters keep firing into the lair, Bruno sneaks up behind them and slams their two helmeted heads together, knocking them out and sending them bouncing and floating through space)

NC (vo): Oh, come on, their heads didn't even touch! And even if they did, the gravity slowing everything down would be the equivalent of a light push.

NC: (sarcastically) Careful! (blinking his eyes rapidly) He might blink really hard at you next!

NC (vo): So they zap their ray guns and get in their space cars. (Pluto, Dina and Bruno take off in their car, with the gangsters in hot pursuit in their car) Well, at least this sounds like something that would be in a movie called Adventures of Pluto Nash. The only downside is, it's about as exciting as a Phantom Menace pod race.

(As the gangster pursue, Pluto speeds up his car, pulling away from the gangsters)

Gangster: (to another gangster) Go, go, go, go, go!

NC: Great strategy. Maybe you can throw in the word "now" to emphasize the detail of your plan.

NC (vo): They escape and come across a man named Felix, who says he can take them to the city where Rex Crater lives. But not before recharging their bodyguard.

(Felix takes a jumper cable and places it on Bruno's... er, strategically-placed terminal; electric sparks fly as the cable connects and Bruno springs to life, grimacing)

NC: (looking quite disturbed, scratching his neck) Mmm... You know, I usually jump at the opportunity to make a dick joke, but in this case... I feel like I'd be robbing a future dick joke that was worth much more effort. So... I'm just gonna steal one from my Labyrinth review. (pushes a button on the desk; to the sound of a cash register ringing, the image of David Bowie with two silver balls pops up, along with the message "Dick Magic Dick") I know it doesn't really connect, but... mmm... (shrugs)

NC (vo): So they go from one every-other-future-city to another every-other-future-city, where they try to sneak around in disguise, because, clearly I would never pick them out of the crowd. But (exaggerated voice) uh-oh! This slot machine is a bit of a slut machine, as it has the hots for Randy Quaid!

Slot machine: (sexy female voice) Hey, good-looking. How about slipping up to your room and playing with me for a while? Come on, big boy. Right here in the lobby. (Bruno reaches out to grab the slot machine lever) Oh, baby! (Bruno pulls down on the lever so hard that he breaks it off the slot machine, causing sparks to fly from it and the slot machine screen to distort and malfunction) You sick bastard! (rolls away) SECURITY!

NC: Who would program a machine to do that?! (an image of a Sex and the City slot appears in the corner) Are they all Sex and the City slots?

NC (vo): Now we have a machine pressing charges on a machine. Isn't it like a toaster suing a microwave? Does anybody really gain anything? But hey! Remember the advice Jay Mohr got from Eddie Murphy? Well, it turns out that transformed him into a superstar singer, selling out theaters every night!

NC: How the flying hell did that happen?! In a one-minute conversation, you changed...

NC (vo): ...this (Frankowski playing an accordion in the bar) into this?! (Frankowski performing a song-and-dance number) That's like saying...

NC: ..."You know, maybe if you take off those (shows a photo of a homely woman in glasses drinking) glasses and change your hair, you'll look more attractive." (to the sound of a harp glissando, the photo of the homely woman is replaced by another of another woman, looking very hot and attractive) "Whoa! I'm amazing, I guess!"

NC (vo): But more gangsters are hunting them down, so Pluto goes in for a kiss so they won't be noticed. (imitating Dina, being kissed) Mmm! Tastes like fading career!

Pluto: (pulling away) I think that worked. (Dina is quite impressed by that big kiss)

NC (vo): Uh, yeah, 'cause if there's anybody who'd be aroused by that, it's Rosario Dawson, not Eddie Murphy.

NC: But then again, she does have that non-impressive ass. Movie, what you want?!

NC (vo): Speaking of which, she tries to break Quaid out of his holding cell for damaging the slot machine.

Dina: (seductively) Well, you would be a real peach...if you could get me that bill.

NC (vo; as a guard, in a dopey voice): Well, I do have a penis, so... why not? Your ass could use a little work, though. (Bruno punches the guard) (normal voice) Dammit! That's the last time we put stereotypical dumb guard bot on duty. But they get caught immediately after, so....

NC: For those keeping track at home, that's an hour and seventeen minutes. (accompanying that is green letters at that bottom with the time stamp and "time you're not getting back")

NC (vo): As they manage to capture Pluto as well, and show him the man behind everything. (The chair turns around to reveal Eddie Murphy, playing Rex Crater)

Rex: So, you got it all figured out, huh?

(Rex smokes his cigar as the camera zooms in, and the words "To Be Continued..." appear at the bottom of the screen)

NC: (waving dismissively) No, they don't do that! Lord knows this movie deserves a sequel.

NC (vo): But they end up doing this weird thing where they have him look left and right for some reason.

(Rex takes out the cigar and looks left and right, before putting the cigar back in his mouth and applauding)

NC (vo): Why the hell would he do that? Yeah, I'm not concerned about what a weak, pointless, out-of-nowhere twist this is; I'm more concerned about why the hell he just did that weird head turn! Was he showing off his earrings? Was the doctor checking his balls and he just forgot to cough?

NC: Or maybe he was distracted (pretends to wave a check in the air) by the check...

(An image of a check (worth $22,180.22) is seen waving back and forth in front of Rex's face, causing him to do his head turn as he follows it)

NC (vo): ...they were constantly waving in front of him so he wouldn't run off set!

Rex: (chuckles evilly; applauds)

NC: Yeah, with that excitement, it must've been the check.

NC (vo): So I know what you're thinking: what the hell was the plot of this again? Because when you really look back and remember it, it's spectacularly uninteresting. Pluto was cloned years ago by a businessman who wanted to use him as a puppet. But Buddy Love didn't want to be a puppet, so he killed the guy who cloned him, allowing him to take control.

NC: What does this mean for Pluto Nash?

NC (vo): Well, his clone just wants to buy his bar. That's it.

NC: Yeah. (beat) Who cares?

NC (vo): Why the hell is this the least bit interesting? Nothing of any real value is on the line. Even at the beginning, he just sort of bought the bar to save a friend. He didn't really have that much interest in it. So nobody really gives a crap about what happens in this movie!

NC: If you told me the goal of the film was to save a toy anus, (a picture of said object appears) THAT would have me more sucked in than anything that they just showed! (beat) Unless it was used (image of Rosario Dawson appears) as a joke and made fun of Dawson's ass. I'm sorry, I'm not letting that go! That is perfection!

NC (vo): So Murphy has the most symbolic battle representing his career as he fights himself over who's going to kill him faster. Thank God they both happen to be wearing the same suit! Lucky, lucky!

NC: Actually, to the film's credit, there is one brilliantly funny scene.

(Pluto punches a mirror, which shatters and reveals Rex, who punches Pluto)

NC (vo): It was only a second, but by God, that simple staging is frigging hilarious!

NC: I'll definitely give that a point. (the word "Points" appears with the number 1 under it) Unfortunately, next to all the negative points, (the words "Negative Points" appears with the number -3,058,973,489,5... under it) it doesn't really balance out.

NC (vo): (as Pluto, punching Rex) This is for Daddy Day Care. (punches Rex) This is for Norbit. (punches Rex again, then shoves him against a window) This is for Meet Dave. And this is for defending Bill Cosby when everybody knew he was guilty! (throws Rex through the glass, shattering it) Yeah, look it up! (mimics Rex's scream as he falls) I did thaaaat!

(Rex crashes onto a gambling table in the middle of a game)

Dealer: Craps, you lose!

NC: Oh, sorry, I mean, a man has fallen to death on the table! Sorry, I always confuse that for craps.

NC (vo): So... seemingly, nothing really changes, as Pluto goes back to his club, and everything seems to go back to normal. The only difference is, he lets Dawson become a singer, which he probably would have done anyway, and lets Quaid run the place, which he also probably would have done anyway!

Bruno: But no robot's ever been in management.

Pluto: You want the job or don't you?

Bruno: Ohhhh, boss!

NC (vo; as Pluto): Just remember, we can't serve (shows and image of C-3PO and R2-D2) droids here. My hypocrisy only goes so far. (normal voice) We end on Murphy doing his creeper face, and we're cheerfully reminded of the ultimate lesson.

NC: If a clone of you wants to turn your bar into a casino... don't let him. (looks over at Tamara and Malcolm, who are impatiently waiting) Go get drunk.

Tamara and Malcolm: Yes!

(Malcolm pulls of the bottle of booze from nowhere)

Tamara: (as she and Malcolm are walking out of the room) Where were you keeping that?

Malcolm: You don't want to know.

Tamara: Okay.

(Footage of the movie plays as NC gives his final thoughts)

NC (vo): This movie is not only a bad comedy, but half the time, I don't even know if it's trying to be a comedy. It is so unimaginative and so boring that I don't even know if it's worth getting angry over. It's just... forgettable. Pretty much nothing to take away from it. I guess as a failure, it's a very interesting kind of failure, one that has so much money thrown at it and yet it still turns out so bland. But aside from that, this is one I doubt anyone's gonna be looking to come back to anytime soon.

NC: And thank God, 'cause I don't know how much more of this I could've phoned in–

(The video freezes, then cuts to the cell phone from earlier, video still frozen. We then cut back to NC in his dressing room, still holding Batman and Superman costumes. He notices the camera again)

NC: I still swear this isn't a clue.

Angry Joe: (steps in) What were you reviewing?

NC: You don't wanna know, man. C'mon, let's talk about something that matters.

(The credits roll)

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Pluto: I'm talking titties galore. Let's have titties really flowing.

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