The Adventures of Jell-O Man and Wobbly 1
August 4, 2014
The comic that makes the Adventures of the Kool-Aid Man seem grounded and logical.
(Linkara is on the futon masked with a confused look. He looks up and reads the title of today's episode. Note: If you're watching this on YouTube, you'd be confused about what he's doing, but at Channelawesome.com, it makes more sense)
Linkara: (long pause) Adventures... (another pause) WHAT?!!
(Opening title with theme, followed by title card, with the opening to "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd playing; fade to Linkara still confused looking at the comic)
Linkara: So, kids, wanna have a comic about a food mascot but the Kool-Aid Man is too busy teaming up with Captain Crunch to fight the Soggies? Well, look no more. We've got "Jell-O Man and Wobbly"! (beat) No, seriously. WHAT?!
(Cut to images of the Kool-Aid Man comic)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, speaking of the Kool-Aid Man, some people have questioned my... rather mystified and angry reaction to the mere existence of a comic book based around the Kool-Aid Man. In retrospect, it's probably an overreaction considering the legitimately awful works out there that I've seen: the offensive and the truly brain-numbing. It's just some harmless food comic after all. No, I guess my frustration is just more that the entire process behind its creation. That someone had the idea to get Marvel to make a Kool-Aid Man comic, MULTIPLE Kool-Aid Man comics in fact, and then said about writing them, drawing them, editing them, and just NOBODY in the entire process stopped themselves from making it.
(Clip from Jurassic Park)
Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum): You're so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.
Linkara: But hey, Marvel, you got money out of it, no doubt. You make comics regularly, so this was probably just some sweet business deal for you. (chuckles) Not quite seeing that for this one!
(Cut to a shot of the Jell-O Man and Wobbly comic)
Linkara (v/o): Admittedly, the company that did publish the book, Welsh Publishing Group, was eventually sold to Marvel, but I'm almost dead certain that this was made before that sale. What little information I could find on the company indicates that they mostly did licensed stuff, and even then, they were more of a magazine publisher than a comic company. Either way, Kraft Foods apparently commissioned this thing as a promotional tie-in, and it wasn't even for sale normally. (looks at the issue cover) It's a "$1.25 value", but that's just equivalent pricing. And yet it's also a "collector's edition!"
Linkara: I'd say we needed a Mr. T trading card to give this collector's edition real value, but honestly, I don't think Mr. T would sacrifice his dignity for this.
(Cut to footage of a Jell-O commercial with Jell-O Man)
Linkara (v/o): I could only find one Jell-O Man commercial on YouTube, where he apparently has the voice of a cooler, more subdued John Wayne. Go figure. I also heard that, at the height of The Simpsons' popularity, there was an attempt to get Bart to be the spokesperson for Jell-O. They turned down the idea for it and instead created Jell-O Man. It just goes to show the wisdom that went behind this comic.
Linkara: But is there room in this world for such a thing like Jell-O Man to exist?
(Cut to a clip of Ghostbusters 2)
Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray): Oh, come on, there's always room for Jell-O.
Linkara: There, got that joke out of the way. (holds up Jell-O Man comic) Let's dig into "The Adventures of Jell-O Man and Wobbly #1".
Linkara (v/o): Before you ask, no, there is no second issue. Jeez, even the Kool Aid Man got a few issues. Poor Jell-O Man. His existence is already spitting at the face of evolution by being a creature with an O-shaped head and made of a material that is highly edible, but he only gets a one-shot. And what's the deal with his hair? Is it whipped cream? Is it actual hair? Eww, hair on my Jell-O! Oh, but there are so many other questions about his anatomy. The eyebrows, for instance. What are they attached to? Are they attached to him? What are they made out of? Does he have teeth? Does Jell-O Man need to eat, too? How does he hear anything without any functioning ears? Is it like reading the sound vibrations across the gelatin form? How are his legs pivoting? Does he have a bone structure? Wobbly appears to be a doglike creature. What are its legs and tail made out of? Eww, it has a tongue!
Contents: The Secret of Jell-O Man's Origin!
Linkara: The secret is that we consume his kind. (Whispers to the camera) Soylent Green is made from Jell-O.
Contents: Museum Mystery.
Linkara: I should really just do a Let's Play of Museum Madness at some point, but I feel like there's some other Let's Play series I should be working on.
Contents: The Outer Space Case!
Linkara: Kool-Aid Man did it first! (pauses to think about some strange question) You know, I'm actually legitimately curious. If the Kool-Aid Man boils in space, what happens to Jell-O Man?
Linkara (v/o): Hell, Jell-O Man is even is even trying to steal the Kool-Aid Man's shtick. Look, he's bursting out of a wall. (as Kool-Aid Man) Oh, no!! We open with... well, "The Outrageous Origins of Jell-O Man and Wobbly!"
Linkara: I've barely started this and already it feels like "outrageous" will be an understatement.
Linkara (v/o): We see two scientists walking into some kind of top-secret laboratory. It's the Secret Jell-O Research Center, according to a sign, not sure why they needed to have that on the inside of the lab, but I'm not a scientist, and we see... um, either images or TV screens featuring planes, boats, and trucks that all have Jell-O written on them.
Linkara: "US-1" never realized that his true enemy was the man in the Jell-O truck.
Dr. Snackens: It's amazing Dr. Goodtaste!
Linkara: Seriously? Doctor Goodtaste?! What kind of a dumbass name is that? Hey, Harvey Finevoice! Can you think of a dumber name than that?
Harvey Finevoice: (offscreen) In the middle of something, kid.
Dr. Snackens: How can this one computer keep every store in the world stocked with Jell-O desserts?
(Cut to a clip from a Dr. Insano informercial sketch)
Dr. Insano: With science, of course!
(Cut back to the comic)
Dr. Goodtaste: It's simple, Snackens!
Linkara: (slightly aggrivated) "Snackens". I should be pissed off, but really I'm just amazed that he didn't end up as a snack-themed supervillain.
Dr. Goodtaste: The computer is programmed to keep track of every store's supply. When they begin to run low, it automatically ships new Jell-O pudding, gelatin and all the rest.
Linkara: (as Goodtaste) We've put thousands of people out of work by making this entirely automated. We're the basis for an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Dr. Snackens: This computer is not only efficient. It's fascinating to watch, too.
Dr. Goodtaste: Make a note of that, Grabby.
Linkara: Make a note that it's fascinating to watch a computer work?
Linkara (v/o): Yes, the robot is named Grabby, and I guess his sole function is to take notes for them, hence the ticker tape coming out of his head. Grabby, however, is resentful of his duties.
Grabby: Kids everywhere enjoy Jell-O all the time. Just because I'm a robot, I never get any delicious Jell-O desserts.
Linkara: Yeah! You're a robot! You don't NEED Jell-O!! I'm pretty sure you don't even have the ability to enjoy it!
Pollo: (offscreen) Doesn't mean we don't appreciate it being offered.
Linkara: Fair enough.
Grabby: But that's going to change... and soon!
Linkara: The true purpose behind Skynet.
Goodtaste: Let's go, Grabby! It's time to test our latest top secret project... the S.L.A.H.P!
Linkara: No doubt named for when you slap your own head when you hear that acronym.
Linkara (v/o): S.L.A.H.P. is apparently short for Secret Laser-Activated Hologram Printer.
Goodtaste: Our experimental machine should print the word Jell-O in a new, 3-D hologram form on every Jell-O package!
Linkara: You could just employ regular foil holograms or whatever on your packaging... or is this how hollow foil covers on comic books in the 90's came about.
Linkara (v/o): And much like the Adam West Batcave, everything apparently needs a sign on it, since our early version of a 3-D printer has "Secret Laser-Activated Hologram Printer --- Top Secret" attached to it. One wonders why the "top secret" part when "secret" is already part of its damn name.
Tom Servo: (whispering) Top Super Duper Maxi Extreme Ultra Secret.
Linkara (v/o): And so they activate the device and Grabby decides to use the test as his chance to absorb power and take over the master computer. And he does so, drawing in all the power from the machine as they begin doing... science or whatever to a giant brick with the word "Jell-O" written on it.
Dr. Goodtaste: Grabby? You did this? B-But why?
Grabby: Eep! Because I want all the Jell-O desserts in the world...
Linkara (v/o): Er, wait. I just realized something. Every time Jell-O is written in the dialogue, it's underlined. Were they worried they couldn't fit a trademark symbol into the dialogue so they just underlined it? Why? To try to remind us what the product is that they're shilling? As if anyone could forget that the thing is called "THE ADVENTURES OF JELL-O MAN AND WOBBLY"!!
Grabby: And now, I'm going to get them. The master computer will deliver it all to me!
Dr. Goodtaste: B-But then kids all around the world wouldn't have any?
Linkara: Are you seriously telling me that there are NO employees who would look at this and go, "Hmm, all the Jell-O is now going to one single place, our own laboratory. That's weird." (throws up his hands in disbelief) This system is stupid.
Linkara (v/o): Grabby speeds away, apparently moving too fast for them, according to the scientists, and proclaims that he's going to lock every door in the lab to keep them from stopping him. An alarm starts sounding, which according to Dr. Goodtaste, means that Grabby has bypassed the computer's security system. Seems to me an alarm would indicate that he hadn't bypassed it, but, then again, Kraft Foods is apparently staffed by all of two people in total.
Dr. Snackens: Now he controls the world's supply of Jell-O desserts, and no one can stop from stealing all of it.
Linkara: Grabby may rule.
Linkara (v/o): All of a sudden, the brick that they were testing their device on starts shaking and the letters pop off... and start talking.
Jell-O Man: No creepy robot's going to take Jell-O desserts from kids while I'm around!
Linkara: (horrified) WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!!
Linkara (v/o): Wobbly is formed out of the "J" of the word, but instead of barking he goes...
Wobbly: Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!
(Clip from Pokemans: The Adventure)
Announcer: Yeah, Pokemon, Yeah.
(Back to the Jell-O Man comic)
Dr. Goodtaste: T-The energy overload must have somehow affected the Jell-O hologram logo!
(Cut to a shot of the "Superman At Earth's End" comic)
Hitler Clone: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
(Back again to the Jell-O Man comic)
Dr. Goodtaste: B-But who are you?
Jell-O Man: Jell-O Man's the name!
Linkara: (as Jell-O Man) My existence is blasphemous and unholy.
Jell-O Man: Wobbly and I are here to make sure no one comes between kids and delicious Jell-O snacks!
Linkara: I would question how exactly he knows how to speak and how he has a name right after being conceived, (rolls eyes) buuuut my scientist gave life to a foam toy, so who the hell am I to judge?
Linkara (v/o): Mind you, the scientists in this comic should be questioning this more, but they just say they need all the help they can get. Just to show the foresight of the people who created this lab, all the doors are locked, but the windows are still open and unlocked. Once outside, they try to figure out a way to get to the master computer room to stop Grabby. The only way to get to it is a ventilation shaft, and thanks to Plot Convenience Playhouse, nearby there is a box labeled "Spare Parts" that contains large springs that allow them to bounce up and reach the ventilation shaft. And so Jell-O Man and Wobbly slip into the air duct and charge down at Grabby.
Jell-O Man: Okay, greed machine! The game is over. Direct the computer to send the Jell-O to its proper destinations.
Grabby: Eep! Forget it, Jell-O Brains!
Linkara: Technically, wouldn't his entire body be Jell-O and not just his brains?
Grabby: You don't scare me! I'm too smart to be beaten -- I'm a thinking machine!
Linkara: Says the robot that wants Jell-O.
Jell-O Man: Oh? Well, in that case, I'd better use my head, too!
Linkara (v/o): Aaaaaand he removes his own head and rolls it down his arm.
Linkara: (worried) I am beginning to suspect that none of this is real, that this is all a hallucination brought on by eating some expired Jell-O.
Grabby: Eep? Eep? Does not compute!
Linkara (v/o): I am right there with you, dude. Jell-O Man even starts rolling the head around and bowls it into the robot, destroying it.
Jell-O Man: Poor old Grabby! I guess I'd be all broken up, too, if I couldn't have my Jell-O!
Linkara: (laughs uproariously) You murdered him, you asshole!
Linkara (v/o): With Grabby destroyed, the other scientists enter and fix the computers and reroute everything. And as the scientists begin eating some Jell-O pudding, Jell-O Man wonders what they'll do with Grabby's remains.
Dr. Goodtaste: After I finish my pudding break, I think I'll rebuild that crabby Grabby as a video game!
(Cut to a clip of a Cyberman from Doctor Who)
Cyberman: There is... logic in what he says.
Linkara (v/o): And so, our story ends with Jell-O Man and Wobbly walking off into the sunset, stating that: "Wherever kids are in danger of losing their Jell-O to uncool dudes, they'll be there to help!"
Wobbly: Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!
Linkara: I'm guessing that Wobbly will eventually grow up to become (shows a still shot of...) Lil Jon.
Linkara (v/o): Ho, but sadly, we're not done yet. There are still two more stories in this comic, believe it or not. Next up is the "The Natural History Mystery", which features a fourth-grade class going to the Natural History Museum. Fortunately, the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids are nowhere to be seen. So what's the disaster that requires Jell-O Man's attention?
(In the kitchen, a French-accented chef worries over something; three guesses what that is...)
Chef: Zut alors! Zee Jell-O pudding snacks I put out for dessert -- it is gone! All except one serving! And it's almost -- how you say -- lunchtime!
Linkara: I really hope the pudding wasn't gonna be their entire lunch. How bad is this museum doing if that's the only thing they can cook?
Linkara (v/o): Minutes later, the class has arrived.
Miss Sherman (the teacher in the comic): No dessert? But that's awful! What'll we do?
Linkara: (more than a little annoyed) That's not awful, THAT'S LIFE! ARE THESE KIDS STARVING?!? THEY DON'T GET ANY DAMN PUDDING TODAY! THEY'LL GET OVER IT!! THEY CAN'T HAVE THEIR PUDDING IF THEY DON'T EAT THEIR MEAT!!!
Student: No problem, Miss Sherman! I can take care of it with a phone call!
Linkara: (as student) I know some guys. May have to rough up a few people a bit.
Linkara (v/o): The phone call is made... and apparently Jell-O Man and Wobbly spend their free time on the side of an actual Jell-O box. I'm just throwing my hands up at this kind of thing. Actually, wait, the kid made the phone call? What, is it like the old Teen Titans comics where all the kids knew about contacting them when there was a problem? Er, whatever. The two parachute down to the museum... Wait, where did they parachute from? And the situation is explained. Jell-O Man suspects that the culprit is still around and takes the remaining pudding. The two begin patrolling the museum looking for clues.
Jell-O Man: Hey look -- the fish has legs! Pretty neat, huh, Wobbly?
Wobbly: Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!
Linkara: (as Jell-O Man) In a few years, some moron will use "fish legs" as the basis for a philosophical idea in his comic called "Marville". Won't that be fun? (as Wobbly) Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah! (as Jell-O Man) No, it won't be. You're an idiot, Wobbly.
Linkara (v/o): They then pass by some dinosaurs, one of which is shaking slightly.
Narrator: Suddenly, Jell-O Man spots something...
Linkara: (as narrator) He spots a far more interesting story and prays for the chance to be in it.
Jell-O Man: This calls for my special see-behind-you glasses.
Linkara: They are glasses with mirrors attached to the sides! Don't pretend this is something unique to you, Jell-O Man! YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN HEAD ROLL! YOU DON'T NEED GADGETS!
Narrator: What does Jell-O Man see in his see-behind-you glasses? Check out part two of "The Natural History Mystery" on page 17 to find out!
Linkara (v/o): And indeed, it skips from page 12, which is an advertisement, to page 17.
(In between, there is another comic, devoted to, of all things, Sonic the Hedgehog, who apparently originated from an ordinary brown hedgehog)
Linkara (v/o): What's missing from my copy at this point is a mini-comic insert that got reviewed over on the website "http://4thletter.net/". You know what it is? A frickin' origin story for Sonic the Hedgehog! Dear Lord, I wish I was reviewing that right now. A blue hedgehog with razor-sharp back spikes makes so much more sense than a mascot right now. No idea about the tie-in there. If I get my hands on it, maybe I'll review it for Comic Book Quickies sometime.
(Cut to the second half of "The Natural History Mystery")
Linkara (v/o): But yes, of course, this is split into two parts in the same comic. What Jell-O Man sees is... uh, a blue dinosaur moving. He calls it a "snackosaurus". He just knows that.
(Cut to a clip of The Simpsons, showing Groundskeeper Willie lying dead on the floor with an axe in his back and Maggie Simpson standing on top of his body, holding her pacifier in her hand)
Maggie: (actually speaking – with a voice of James Earl Jones) This is indeed a disturbing universe.
Jell-O Man: Give that Jell-O back!
Snackosaurus: Nooo! Snackosaurus love Jell-O pudding snack!
Linkara: Who would've figured Bill Jemas was right? Dinosaurs can talk.
Linkara (v/o): Jell-O Man swiftly defeats the snackosaurus by tossing the remaining pudding cup into its arms, I guess it was hiding the pudding cups up its ass or something, since otherwise how the hell did nobody notice it holding them before, and then bowling his head into the snackosaurus and knocking it over.
Linkara: It was not an asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, it was Jell-O Man.
Linkara (v/o): And so the story ends with Jell-O Man returning the pudding cups to the class.
Jell-O Man: So how about a ride back to town? Can't exactly parachute back out of here, you know!
Linkara: I'm still not sure how you parachuted in to begin with.
Linkara (v/o): Our final story is... "The Outer Space Case".
Jell-O Man: This certainly was a cool idea, Wobbly-- introducing the kids of the planet Gumongo to great-tasting Jell-O Gelatin.
Linkara: (losing his sanity) HOW DID YOU GET INTO SPACE?! HOW DID YOU GET INTO SPACE?!!! (runs up to the camera and shakes it around) HOW!!! DID YOU!!! GET INTO SPA-A-A-A-A-A--
(While shaking the camera, the screen suddenly gets cut off by static, then cutting to a "technical difficulties" cover, showing an insane Linkara in a straitjacket, while gentle music plays in the background. Then, through more static, we cut back to Linkara, who is lying on the futon with his glasses askew on his face)
Linkara: (faint) How did you get into space? How did you get into space?
Linkara (v/o): The planet is inhabited by these pink sea monkey-looking things who are eating Jell-O and also by this demonic creature who has shovels for hands. From what I gathered, he is known as The Shoveler... Yep...
Shoveler: (thought bubble) Also, you've introduced me to a new place to steal Jell-O Gelatin.
Linkara: (losing his sanity yet again) IT'S SOLD IN GROCERY STORES!! JUST STEAL IT FROM THERE!!! JUST STEAL IT FROM THE GROCERY STORE!! AAAAAAHHH!!!
(Again, he runs up to the camera and shakes it, and once again, static cuts off the video, replaced by the same "technical difficulties" card as before, before cutting back, again through static, to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): So, uh, after the Jell-O Man delivers Jell-O to the good people of... whatever... he decides to make it a vacation since things have been quiet on Earth lately. However, the Jell-O in the village soon gets stolen, and Jell-O Man is called back into action. And after the kids complain about the lack of Jell-O to Jell-O Man, he rightfully points out that they can just make more! But whatever, they lay a trap for the Shoveler, who I just realized has two wheels for feet... Is he a robot, too? ...and attack.
Shoveler: Jell-O Man!
Wobbly: Yeah Yeah Yeah!
Jell-O Man: Sorry, Wobbly. Didn't mean to step on your line.
Linkara (v/o): Wait, when did you step on his line? WHAT?! Whatever. Apparently, he made giant Jell-O Jigglers – I love alliteration – outside the house the Shoveler was robbing, and when the Shoveler tries to escape, he just bounces around the Jigglers.
Shoveler: Hey, man!
Jell-O Man: Man? That's my line, Shoveler!
Linkara: What, so you're the only person allowed to say the word "man"? Kind of ironic, considering you're not HUMAN!
Linkara (v/o): The Shoveler manages to bat away Jell-O Man's head, but it seems the alien population is able to throw their heads, too.
Linkara: (looking at comic incredulously) Why did I not bring any alcohol to this?
Linkara (v/o): And so our comic ends with the Shoveler buried underneath a pile of alien heads. And yet, this is not a horror comic. Oh, yeah, and twice now, they made the "there's always room for Jell-O" joke. Huzzah.
Linkara: Okay, in all seriousness, (holds up comic) this comic does not suck, but it is really stupid.
Linkara (v/o): The origin is just so... bizarre, and we never get any explanation where stuff like the snackosaurus or the Shoveler come from, or how Jell-O Man can just freely travel to another planet. You might say I'm overthinking a promotional comic for Jell-O. I say it's a promotional comic for Jell-O; what was the thinking to begin with? Here's a neat little factoid: Kurt Busiek actually wrote the history mystery story and apparently was really excited when someone brought a copy for him to sign. Well, at least he's proud of his work.
Linkara: And hey, while I think the comic is really bizarre and idiotic, I've got to admit, it does make me hungry for Jell-O, so... kudos there.
(Linkara throws the comic down and gets up and leaves; credits roll)
(It's possible the "stepping on his line" remark is actually Jell-O Man saying "Yeah Yeah Yeah," but that's not stepping on his line, that's STEALING his line.)
(Somehow I feel the original pitch for this comic was just to give evolution the middle finger.)
(Stinger: Cut to the inside of Lord Vyce's secret hideout)
Linkara: (offscreen) Three. Two. One. Detonate!! (nothing) I said detonate!
Pollo: (offscreen) I'm trying. It's not working.
Linkara: (offscreen) Oh, fine. We'll do this the hard way.
Pollo: (offscreen) Actually, it looks like the door is unlocked.
Linkara: (offscreen) Seriously?
Pollo: (offscreen) Seriously. But I have already disabled the trip mines that were attached to it.
Linkara: (offscreen) Hmm? Disable our bombs then.
Pollo: (offscreen) Considering they didn't detonate, that won't be difficult.
(Linkara opens the door and steps into the basement, armed with his magic gun. He looks around to find no one here.)
Pollo: He's not here.
Linkara: What do you mean he's not here?
Pollo: He was here. I'm picking up a residual energy trace from his Shade body, but it's decaying rapidly.
Linkara: How long ago?
Pollo: No more than a day. Nimue is already connecting to the computer systems and downloading what she can. Looks like he left in a hurry.
Linkara: Dammit all! DAMMIT ALL!!
Pollo: Your anger won't help.
Linkara: First lead we've had on Vyce in MONTHS and he's long gone!! We could have been here sooner if Ninja Style Dancer would've actually shown up when he was supposed to. Where the hell is he?
Pollo: Linksano said he saw him leave in a hurry.
Linkara: You know, I'm getting a little sick and tired of everybody just coming and going without a word. Maybe I should just build more Cybermats to help me out.
Pollo: Speaking of, the Cybermats are infiltrating other areas of this bunker. They're reported pieces of technology that Vyce had to leave behind.
Linkara: What does it look like?
Pollo: Armor plating and metalworking tools.
Linkara: He's probably trying to rebuild his old suit. And Linksano is sure he's not going to be able to get back onto the ship again?
Pollo: Positive. (several bleeps alert Pollo) Nimue has managed to get into some of his files. Most of them have been deleted, but some of them are still there, (Pollo walks to a shelf on his right as to search for clues) in particular what he was looking at most recently.
Linkara: What do we got?
(Pollo detects something within the shelf)
Pollo: A poem it would seem.
(Linkara walks toward Pollo's side and investigates)
Linkara: A poem?
Pollo: Yes. Specifically, it appears to be about The King of Worms.
Linkara: (reads) "The King of Worms wears a crown of terror/ In the Court of Worms there is none fairer/ We are all equal beneath the surface layer/ Our souls are screaming and begging in prayer".
Pollo: Sounds pleasant.
Linkara: Download everything you find here and have Nimue pull up the files that Vyce had on fighting the entity again. If he was worried about it, maybe we should be, too.
(Linkara walks away from the shelf and toward the other side of the hideout. He unknowingly walks past a cardboard box with a cybermat resting on top of it. Camera zooms in on the cybermat not long before it dives back in to the box. Cut to black)