The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino)
September 13, 2016
(After the intro, we see a happy-looking NC hanging out at Niagara Falls)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. And this is Niagara Falls!
(Various, beautiful sights of Niagara Falls are shown before cutting to NC among a crowd full of walking people)
NC: I'm at one of the largest waterfalls in the world. And to celebrate, I'm gonna let you...yes, you, the people...decide what I'm gonna review next here at Niagara Falls.
(We then cut to NC at a con panel, speaking to the audience)
NC: So how about it, everyone? You have me here at Niagara Falls. What would you like me to review?
Audience: The third animated Titanic movie! (NC frowns) The third animated Titanic movie!
NC: Really? 'Cause I...could've sworn you were gonna choose the Marilyn Monroe movie Niagara.
(We see clips of that movie)
NC (vo): The romance between her and Joseph Cotton has been described as a raging torrent of emotion that even nature can't control.
Audience: The third animated Titanic movie!
NC: But Monroe plays a...
NC (vo): ...tantalizing temptress that kisses fired men's souls!
NC: You can't deny such poorly worded smut!
Audience: The third animated Titanic movie!
NC: (Reluctantly giving in) All right! Fine. I'll review this movie that has nothing to do with Niagara Falls, but you guys have wanted me to review for years. Will that make you happy?
(The audience cheers, as NC angrily mocks their joyfulness, flips them off and leaves. We then see NC walk toward a hotel room alongside Malcolm and Tamara)
Malcolm: But what about the script?
NC: It doesn't matter! The people have made up their minds!
Tamara: But I wanted to play Marilyn!
NC: Oh, come on. It's a Nostalgia Critic review. You know Malcolm would get the part.
(Malcolm chuckles in satisfaction)
Tamara: But what about the guest stars?
NC: We're just gonna have to can them, too. (Opens a hotel room door and yells at the guest stars inside) Show's cancelled!
(He closes the door. We see that the guest stars that are sitting in the room are James Rolfe, Brad Jones, Dante Basco and Cricket Leigh. Note: Cricket Leigh is the actress that voiced Mai in Avatar: The Last Airbender. After a beat, Brad claps his hands)
Brad: Well, I know a gaggle of hookers soon to have my name on them. (Walks to the door and attempts to open it, but cannot) It's locked from the outside.
James: Well, that goes along with him cutting the phone and the TV.
Cricket: Who does that?
Dante: He said that it would keep us in character.
Cricket: As what? Amish bed-testers?
Brad: Is that why he also took our phones and deep-fried them?
Dante: I really should have drawn the line at that.
James: Why do we do things with him?
(Meanwhile, we cut to NC at his hotel room, which is actually completely similar to his review room)
NC: For those who don't know, years ago, I've reviewed an...
(Clips of the first Titanic animated movie are shown)
NC (vo): ...animated Titanic musical known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On. Not only was it an obvious rip-off of the James Cameron film, but it had racist singing mice, a forced happy ending, and a rapping dog. Yeah. A rapping dog on the Titanic. It was one of the most tasteless abominations ever!
NC: At least it was, until I found another...
(Clips of the second Titanic animated movie are shown)
NC (vo): ...animated Titanic musical called The Legend of Titanic! It had racist singing mice, a forced happy ending...
NC: But...no rapping dog. No, no, no, no, no. That was replaced with...
NC (vo): ...a glove-sniffing fetishist, sharks that escape from jail that sink the ship instead of an iceberg, and a giant puppy dog squid who puts the ship back together so that everyone can get out alive. Good chocolate-coated God!
NC: As if having two of these in existence wasn't enough for Skynet to wanna kill us, this last one actually got a sequel...because...sinking the Titanic was clearly just Part 1!
(Clips of the third Titanic animated movie, In Search of the Titanic (Tentacolino), are now shown)
NC (vo): The sequel's the one we're looking at today called In Search of the Titanic. Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any stupider in a world that focuses on the sinking of the Titanic, what does this one throw in? Atlantis! Yeah. Titanic and Atlantis now exist in the same universe!
NC: Well, I guess it is the next logical step. It just keeps going in descending order.
NC (vo): Titanic in Atlantis, Titanic in Space, Titanic Assignment Miami Beach, and, of course, Titanic in the Hood.
(A clip of Kazaam is shown beneath the last fan-made poster)
Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it!
NC (vo): The funny thing is, this wasn't even originally called that. It was originally called Tentacolino, the name of the puppy-pus in the last one, even though he's barely in it! But his name was changed from the Italian version to something more simple...
NC: (confused) ...whatever they choose to call him.
(Several characters are shown talking with Tentacles the octopus, calling him a new name with every clip that's shown)
NC: Yeah, any of these. (A list is shown showing the names of the octopus in the movie: Otti? Ahchi? Oggi? Oddey? Aw-Gee?)
NC (vo): And thus, it became a Titanic movie once again, meaning I have to review it. And believe it or not, this is actually, no joke, not kidding, even worse than the other two! Not one hint of sarcasm, this is the worst one!
NC: Now, I do have this tradition of drinking a rather large bottle of Jäger every time I view one of these. And seeing that this is somehow the absolute worst out of all of them....it's time to push the button.
(He brings out a remote and presses a button. A bright explosion occurs in outer space, an explosion that is visible for Malcolm and Tamara, who are walking outside. When the light clears, we see a planet-sized Jägermeister bottle in space as a chorus sings. Tamara smiles)
Tamara: I know where I'm vacationing this week!
(She and Malcolm run off. Cut back to NC)
NC: Let us begin.
(The movie's opening credits roll)
NC (vo): We start with the recap of the last film, and...if you think you know the story of Titanic and don't need a recap...
NC: ...you clearly haven't seen it from writers whose everyday dinner looks like this. (An image of a jar of Elmer's Rubber Cement is shown)
(The credits show the Titanic in all its original glory)
NC (vo; as Rose from the 1997 film): It was called the Rip-Off of Dreams. And it was. It really was. (Normal) It says the film takes place three years after the Titanic sunk. (A new ship is shown unloading a giant sphere-shaped submarine into the ocean) Where, apparently, there's been quite the technology boom in those short years.
NC: I guess the 2001 (A Space Odyssey) aliens are dropping monoliths on marine biologists.
(Inside the submarine are the characters from the last movie, Elizabeth and "Joe", their pet dog, and the two mice Connors and Ronnie)
NC (vo): But it looks like they only got half the enlightenment, because the only people going down to search for the Titanic are the two passengers and their dog from the first one.
NC: Um...are they really qualified?
NC (vo): Just because they were on the Titanic doesn't mean they can find the damn thing. Hey, I know where Amelia Earhart is because I watched an episode of Star Trek she was on!
NC: Millions of research funds, please.
NC (vo): I guarantee, though, they're gonna see stranger things in this Yellow Submarine than the Beatles ever did, starting with their dog who can talk to them now.
Dog: It seems to me that there are a lot of nasty-looking sharks out there.
NC (vo): Ohh, it must be those magic moonbeams in the last film that came from the woman's tears that...
NC: You know, life is too precious, it's not worth the time.
NC (vo): And don't forget about the little mice friends from the last one, who are just as afraid of the sharks watching them as the dog is.
Joe: We're at sea. This is their home. Honestly, there really isn't anything to worry about.
Dog: Sharks, indeed. They're worse than cats.
Joe: Even cats eat mice.
(Connors and Ronnie laugh)
NC: (laughs) We lose thousands of lives to your house pets every day! It's funny, it's funny!
(We see the camera moving across the underwater world)
NC (vo): Cut to immediate style change...Christ, is Lara Croft swimming through here? (Footage of an old Tomb Raider game is briefly shown)...as we're shown a...
(We see the criminal shark from the other film in his lair...performing a rap song!)
Criminal Shark: (rapping) Yo, yo, yo, look at my teeth / This whole shark is wide as...
NC: WHY DO THESE MOVIES NEED RAP SONGS?!
NC (vo): I just don't see the connection! Was the... (Footage of the rapping dog from T:TLGO is shown briefly) rap song in the other film such a worldwide phenomenon that the movie said...?
NC: Hey! We can make it whiter!
Criminal Shark: (rapping) Yeah, there's no one cooler than me / I'm the great blue genius that lives in the sea.
NC (vo): Ooh, man, you better look out. There's gonna be a rap battle between this and the (Footage of...) Polar Express chefs who sing the Hot Chocolate song.
(The seashells join in singing the rap song, but their words are too hard to understand)
NC (vo): What the hell are they even saying? It's so gargled that I think we're just supposed to interpret our own lyrics.
(Those interpreted lyrics are shown via captions and several images)
Seashells: (singing) Oh, Hugh (Grant), Hugh (Jackman), there's no wacking out of you. Oh, Mew, Mew (the Pokemon), there's no walking on the moon.
NC (vo): So the head of the sharks is told about the Simpson testicle, and he tells his minions to attack it. Why? His detailed reasoning will send shivers down your spine.
Criminal Shark: Are you sure it's yellow? I hate that color. I can't stand yellow!
NC: (nodding) Macbeth (An image of Macbeth is shown) had the inner duality of acquiring power while holding on to his humanity. Ahab (An image of Ahab is shown) demonstrated how revenge can destroy others as well as yourself. This character (The criminal shark is shown) hates yellow. If that brilliantly established motivation doesn't give you goosebumps, I weep for you!
NC (vo): So he orders the sharks to start sinking their teeth into it.
(The sharks attack the sphere submarine)
Elizabeth: What's happening?
Joe: Calm down, Smile. Relax. It must have been an underwater current.
NC (vo; as Joe): It couldn't be those things I said wouldn't attack us attacking. Let's make another joke about cats.
Criminal Shark: Let's cut the cables!
NC (vo): They chew on the cables so discreetly that they don't make any sound effects...
(The sharks are shown chewing on the cables, but with no sound effects)
NC: Must be on silent running.
NC (vo): ...as they're tossed around inside.
Joe: Try to stay calm.
NC (vo): Yeah, because it worked so well before. What was your advice on the Titanic? Read a book? (One shark cuts the cable fully, causing the submarine to sink down) The cable is cut, but the sharks don't want to finish them off just yet. The reason?
Criminal Shark: Right now, I have to go and brush my teeth.
NC: A lot of people underestimate the importance of shark dental hygiene. (An image of a shark with Photoshopped human teeth is shown)
NC (vo): But in a bizarre twist, the sharks are also in cahoots with the bad guy from the first film... (Everard Maltravers is shown in a ship's room communicating with the criminal shark) ...as they communicate via jellyfish telegram.
(A clip from The Departed, showing Sullivan (Matt Damon) frowning at something, is shown)
(Back to the movie, showing Everard)
Maltravers: Jeffrey, now this is important. I want our mini submarines to be in a permanent state of alert.
NC (vo): Jesus! How many submarines did they have back then?!
NC: If your evil plan was to get rich, I'd say mission already accomplished!
(We see Tentacles the octopus discovering the submarine and attempting to pull it out)
NC (vo): Our Muppet tentacle porn comes across the sinking sub, but can't pull it out, even though he was originally strong enough to put the Titanic back together. Who can he get to help?
(A group of underwater humans riding on horse-pulling chariots appear. NC has his hands on his face in total disbelief)
NC: It begins!
NC (vo): Yep, an army of every 80s girl toy that ever existed arrive and tell the crap-topus that they can help. (The water humans pour bubbles on the good guys' heads, allowing them to breathe) Thank God they used their advanced technology of Bubble in a Can... (FUCKING BUBBLES!) ...and ride their literal seahorses to the city of Atlantis. Their dog Smile wakes up to see what's happening.
(Smile the dog wakes up to find himself being carried by the Atlantis citizens)
Smile: Help! I'm dead!
Woman: Keep calm. You're all safe.
Smile: No, I'm dead. And you're taking me to Doggie Hell.
NC: Oh, thanks for putting that idea into kids' heads! Did your puppy ever bite you? He could go here. (An image of a dog standing in a Photoshopped image of Hell is shown)
NC (vo): They take them to Doctor Calamity Jane as our heroes discover that Atlantis is kind of like a creepy comfort-in, except somehow even more hostile.